Or, you can text me. Whatever.
September 2, 2013 5:22 PM   Subscribe

Permit me to construct for you the ultimate man cave.
posted by Sebmojo (47 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite

 
Well that was unexpected.
posted by knapah at 5:35 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


I....what.....I don't even........

I mean, sure, I want a nice lair with some secrete passages and such, but I'm more a nice set of escape passages then the sacrifice room and religious passages. Also I'd like it set up like Nero Wolfe's study in the old A&E TV series, can you do that?
posted by Canageek at 5:41 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]


I feel like Welcome to Night Vale is beginning to warp and mold the entire world now.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:01 PM on September 2, 2013 [13 favorites]


all that work is worthless without a wicker man
posted by elizardbits at 6:02 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]


We were looking at real estate in Ontario recently and I was appalled that realtors think that listing a "man-cave for the guys, away from the wife!" was a great way to get you interested in said house.
posted by Kitteh at 6:02 PM on September 2, 2013


Chhhh...oohhh...do you only wear the flesh of man over your blasphemous chitin or are you a real human? Because if you're a scuttling devourer of manpigs or born of free flesh I can work it out.

I keep forgetting how much I like SomethingAwful.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:10 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


...I was appalled that realtors think that listing a "man-cave for the guys, away from the wife!" was a great way to get you interested in said house.

I agree that pitches like this, designed to appeal to "the wife", are pretty sexist.
posted by maxwelton at 6:12 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


This was a fun piece. I didn't catch on all that early, so was thinking "are vaults you can pipe gas into a thing?"
posted by maxwelton at 6:15 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]


I keep forgetting that Something Awful isn't just the place for wildly immature boys that it was when I was such. This is pretty great.

Also, 'man caves' should have concrete floors, workbenches, no chairs, and sawdust over every damn thing.
posted by echo target at 6:17 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]


Needs more neon.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:18 PM on September 2, 2013


I'll bet he doesn't deliver on time.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:27 PM on September 2, 2013


Nonsense. He delivers in all times simultaneously.
posted by Wulfhere at 6:37 PM on September 2, 2013 [13 favorites]


I don't care for the term "man cave." I rather prefer "bro-doir."
posted by Tube at 6:38 PM on September 2, 2013 [46 favorites]


That is almost entertaining enough to get me over my revulsion towards hearing the word "man" used as a modifier or prefix. (Seriously. "Man cave?" "Mansplaining?" "Manhattan?" God.)
posted by JHarris at 6:39 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


(Zack has written for Night Vale).
posted by neuromodulator at 6:41 PM on September 2, 2013


I'd want a Druid Altar, like in Horror at 37,000 Feet.
posted by Artw at 6:46 PM on September 2, 2013


Actually, that closing paragraph -- "...just let me know, we are forever linked by the unseen cords of blood and bound in the mass waking nightmare that punishes us all." -- sounds waaay too much like the conversation we had with a contractor and a kitchen guy yesterday. *shudder* Those guys answer their phones really promptly.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:48 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]


uh, what kind of kitchen are you putting in, dr. lecter?
posted by elizardbits at 6:51 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


Batman has the Batcave. Presumably the man cave is property of Man-man. I'm picturing a guy walking around wearing a latex mask of himself.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:51 PM on September 2, 2013 [19 favorites]


It's missing a Hot Chicks Room.
posted by christopherious at 6:57 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]


MST3K: "Man-man! He has all the powers of a man, but, he's a man!" "Oh, I bet Man-man gets his powers from Robert Bly!"
posted by JHarris at 6:57 PM on September 2, 2013 [8 favorites]


I wonder if they handle the permits for all that stuff? I'd hate to find out my infinite pool of blood was breaking some bylaw or HOA regulation, I mean do you know how expensive it is to rip something like that out?
posted by blue_beetle at 7:06 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


What the hell is a wife stone?

echo target: "'man caves' should have concrete floors, workbenches, no chairs, and sawdust over every damn thing."

OMG I've got a man cave except it's got about 20% glass gibing more of a man atrium kind of feel.
posted by Mitheral at 7:31 PM on September 2, 2013


I want a man atrium.

Though I'm not sure if I want an atrium full of men, or an empty atrium in which I, a woman, can stare out the windows in a manly way. Possibly one of each.
posted by jaguar at 7:56 PM on September 2, 2013 [4 favorites]


My wife and I have separate offices in our house. I call mine a man cave but it's more like a nerd cave: 1000+ books, action figures, GoT bookends and calendar, two computers, iPad, quote from LOTR on the wall, guitar stuff, etc. Nonetheless, when I show it to male friends they slack jaw in awe. Women just complement my wife on the color coordination between the Rush poster and the blinds.
posted by Ber at 8:09 PM on September 2, 2013


Wow.
And yes, SA is great. It's where I hang out when I'm not here. And I'm a 40ish lady.
posted by Biblio at 8:13 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


I agree that pitches like this, designed to appeal to "the wife", are pretty sexist.

The assumption that a married couple doesn't actually have any interests in common and needs to be perforce segregated from each other in order to have fun is messed up, regardless of who it's more sexist toward.

Anyway, that was stealthily awesome. Elder gods, am I right?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:26 PM on September 2, 2013


This is the sort of creepy-funny-compelling social commentary/worldbuilding that Zack Parsons has become really good at:

If you like that:
Commencement of the 612th Annual Lebowski Fest
Great Battles of the New American Revolution
The Boing Boing Guide to the Post-Singularity
Please See Attached Contract Rider for Mr. Haw Haw's Appearance at Your Child's Birthday
How Dare You Attempt to Otherize My Undead Horde
posted by blahblahblah at 8:27 PM on September 2, 2013 [18 favorites]


Thanks blahblahblah. It looks like there's a lot of good stuff in the Zach Parsons archive.

Carl Sagan Explains the Sublime Majesty of What is Happening On Your Phone

On August 14th, at around 2:15 AM in the northern hemisphere, if you look down at your phone you might just see the reflection of the Astrid Meteors passing overhead. They travel from the distant cold of the oort cloud once every 600 years and create a show so spectacular that its passing has been recorded in texts almost 3,000 years old. But don't worry, someone will post a video of it. And you can watch that on the toilet, enjoying the boundless ingenuity of the upright two-legged mammals called mankind.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:10 PM on September 2, 2013 [4 favorites]


If the man gets a cave, the woman should also get a cave. Just sayin'.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:14 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


There was some stupid commercial showing a woman getting a shoe closet when her man got a cave. I don't want a shoe closet. I want an office lined entirely with books, with a mini fridge and an insanely comfortable (and nap-able) sofa, with a nice window view and very good reading lights for nighttime.

And then you may never see me again.
posted by emjaybee at 9:30 PM on September 2, 2013 [8 favorites]


We have his and hers caves. Hers is full of things that could cause you physical harm, while mine is more psychically challenging.
posted by inpHilltr8r at 10:04 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yes, everyone should have caves. Everyone.
posted by fallingbadgers at 10:15 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


Coscto has the 110 inch LG Plasma. 1080P

This appeared early enough that I looked to see how much it was. Sigh.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:25 PM on September 2, 2013


Yes, everyone should have caves. Everyone.

Actually the office sounds quite nice.
posted by Artw at 10:29 PM on September 2, 2013


Technically, I guess we all will have caves someday.
posted by koeselitz at 10:47 PM on September 2, 2013


That's no cave...
posted by Artw at 11:56 PM on September 2, 2013


>"Presumably the man cave is property of Man-man."

He was bitten by a radioactive man, and now he has all the powers of a man!
posted by kyrademon at 3:46 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


The ultimate man cave.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:52 AM on September 3, 2013


He was bitten by a radioactive man, and now he has all the powers of a man!

Was that a reference to Man Man??
posted by Kitteh at 5:39 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


My wife and I spent the entirety of our day at St. Peter's Cathedral wondering if their basement was like this.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


You should have checked out the man cave in the basement of the Basilica di San Clemente.
posted by Kabanos at 9:59 AM on September 3, 2013


OK, man caves, but what are Muhammad and Buraq doing there?
posted by Tom-B at 1:20 PM on September 3, 2013


The thing that sickens me about the idea of a "man cave" is that it implies that the woman gets the ENTIRE REST of the house. So much for that 50/50 partnership thing, I guess.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 4:02 PM on September 3, 2013


"I don't care for the term "man cave." I rather prefer "bro-doir.""

I've been calling them "bro-holes" for a while now.
posted by klangklangston at 5:08 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


> 'man caves' should have concrete floors, workbenches, no chairs, and sawdust over every damn thing.

Depends on what you're into. Mine has distilling apparatus and supplies for making whiskey covering every horizontal and most vertical surfaces. A vaguely yeasty and boozy aroma pervades it. Plenty of stains from spilled wash on the floor. Many a fine afternoon spent stillin' and chillin' in there.
posted by gregor-e at 2:24 PM on September 4, 2013


My husband has been bugging me for years to have a secret passage in his man cave.

WTF?
posted by stormpooper at 7:29 AM on September 6, 2013


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