It Was Either That Or "I Will Remember You" by Sarah MacLachlan

September 27, 2013 7:00 AM

Steve Ballmer bid farewell to Microsoft employees today after nearly 14 years as CEO, and he did it in his usual understated fashion.

In addition to overseeing the the introduction of the Zune, the Kin, Surface, and Vista, Ballmer was also known for his low-key and understated presentations.

posted by entropicamericana (50 comments total)

HE HAZ SO MUCH LUV 2 GIV
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:02 AM on September 27, 2013

BILL

BILL

DIRTY DANCING IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE BILL
posted by middleclasstool at 7:03 AM on September 27, 2013 [12 favorites]

OK, now he has lots of time and lots of money. I hope he does something nice for people.
posted by pracowity at 7:09 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:10 AM on September 27, 2013 [19 favorites]

I like to think Ballmer likes to think every word he speaks in Zalgo text:

t҉h҉e҉ S҉O҉U҉N҉D҉ o҉f҉ M҉I҉C҉R҉O҉ S҉O҉F҉T҉
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:17 AM on September 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

Farewell, Old Yeller.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:18 AM on September 27, 2013 [10 favorites]

In every universe except this one Ballmer missed that one fateful introduction and is now approaching mandatory retirement age as the sweatiest, doughiest, most overbearing middle school gym teacher the world has ever known.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:21 AM on September 27, 2013 [34 favorites]

That guy.

I kinda feel sorry for him in a way - he clearly loved MS. Like... A little too much.

He just didn't have the chutzpah to see through on leading MS to where it could be.

It kinda says something that they're looking outside for the next leader, no? Especially from a car company? WTF?
posted by symbioid at 7:22 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Shhh. They're not telling him that they're going to take him out back and shoot him.

"Just look at the lovely campus, Balls. Isn't it beautiful. Isn't it so beautiful. That's where the developers live. Billy loves you, Balls. He loves you so much. He does. This...this hurts me more than it hurts you. This won't hurt a bi...."
posted by jimmythefish at 7:25 AM on September 27, 2013 [15 favorites]

I just found out that finding good Ballmer fan fiction is near impossible. Pretty much sums things up as far as I'm concerned. And I'm very concerned these days.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:25 AM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

I figured he'd go out with an unplugged version of Developers. Oh well.
posted by davelog at 7:25 AM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

The Onion's stories are far too indistinguishable from reality these days. And syndicating them to sites with real news is bound to cause extra confusion.
posted by Llama-Lime at 7:25 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Why did the Microsoft board let this incompetent CEO ruin the company for 13 years?
posted by bhnyc at 7:26 AM on September 27, 2013 [5 favorites]

On the final day of the countdown, Ballmer announces that he was run by a group of artists the whole time - who were also, surprisingly, the people behind popular "bot" Clippy - and everything since Vista was leading to the announcement of a new satirical choose your own adventure game, Blue Screen Ballmer.
posted by jason_steakums at 7:32 AM on September 27, 2013 [9 favorites]

This article is terribly written and terribly edited. The tagline is "BALLMER LEFT IN TEARS THROUGHOUT HIS SPEECH." Seriously? Does that even make sense? He left throughout his speech?
posted by koeselitz at 7:35 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

(Ah, perhaps that was passive – as in, he was left in tears throughout his speech? Still a bit awkward...)
posted by koeselitz at 7:37 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah I was picturing some Linda Richman Coffee Talk "I'm a little verklempt, talk amongst yourselves!" breaks in the speech because of that tagline.
posted by jason_steakums at 7:38 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Blue Screen Ballmer.

JUST SHUT UP & TAKE MY $7 ALREADY
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:39 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

In addition to overseeing the the introduction of the Zune, the Kin, Surface, and Vista,

It's easy to cherry pick his failures. On the other hand, he also oversaw the introduction of Xbox 360 and... and... umm....
posted by Dr-Baa at 7:40 AM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sharepoint?
posted by KokuRyu at 7:47 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

OMG STEVE BALLMER IS ACTUALLY DAVID BRENT ITS ALL SO CLEAR NOW
posted by fungible at 7:47 AM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

The tagline is "BALLMER LEFT IN TEARS THROUGHOUT HIS SPEECH."


I read it as he kept sobbing and walking out, then coming back to choke out a few more words, then walking out sobbing again for pretty much a full hour.
posted by Naberius at 7:48 AM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's easy to cherry pick his failures. On the other hand, he also oversaw the introduction of Xbox 360 and... and... umm....

Windows 7 and Sharepoint? The steady pattern of ten-digit year-over-year revenue increases also looks pretty good on his resume.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 7:51 AM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

Somewhere in Microsoft HQ some snarky employee is gonna blast "I've Had the Time of My Life" on their phone while screaming along to it tearfully as they leave at the end of their shift today.
posted by jason_steakums at 7:53 AM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

As Steve "I don't know what a monopoly is until somebody tells me." Ballmer at long last leaves the company, let us not dwell on his dismal performance as its CEO during its lost decade or his efforts to purge any and all candidates for his successor. Instead, let us remember his earlier high points, such as his expletive-filled, chair-throwing tirade in which he promised to "fucking kill Google" and his conspiring with Bill "Pearly" Gates to rip off MS co-founder Paul Allen when he'd been diagnosed with cancer.

Once Ballmer's obituary is the subject of an FPP, I've resolved to be sympathetic and generous. As long as "the Embalmer" is above ground, however, he gets no pity.
posted by Doktor Zed at 7:56 AM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

Ballmer jumps around to the music, leaping and shouting until he collapses mid-stage with tears streaming down his face. Two handlers enter and drape a velvet cape over his shoulders and escort him as he shuffles and stumbles off stage with his shoulders stooped and his head hanging in exhaustion. Suddenly he bolts upright, shakes the assistants loose and throws the cape to the floor as the music kicks in again and he resumes his running and leaping and yelling to thunderous applause.
Repeat ad nauseum.
posted by rocket88 at 7:57 AM on September 27, 2013 [13 favorites]

entropicamericana: "Steve Ballmer bid farewell to Microsoft employees today after nearly 14 years as CEO, and he did it in his usual understated fashion."

"There were no survivors."
posted by boo_radley at 7:58 AM on September 27, 2013 [25 favorites]

OK, now he has lots of time and lots of money. I hope he does something nice for people.

Going away and being very quiet for a long time would be a good start.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:05 AM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Every time I see that second video, I think for a moment that someone has accidentally linked to Howard Dean's campaign-ending yowl. But then it just keeps going.
posted by vytae at 8:19 AM on September 27, 2013

Steve "Dunning-Kruger Effect" Ballmer
posted by deanklear at 8:35 AM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ballmer left in tears throughout his speech

Hello, it looks like you're trying to write a tagline...
posted by Foosnark at 8:44 AM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

During his hourlong speech...

Oh my God what a jackass.
posted by four panels at 8:45 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! CAR BUYERS! WE GOT ACRES OF AUTOS WE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GET THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME AT STEVE BALLMER'S USED FORD LINCOLN MERCURY KIA SEE YOU THERE!!!
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:03 AM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

I am really going to miss the fact that we won't have Steve Ballmer to kick around any more.

Godspeed, you big palooka, godspeed.
posted by entropicamericana at 9:20 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

To be clear, this wasn't an hour-long goodbye speech. It was about 60 minutes of the usual kind of pitch he makes at company meetings, followed by about 20 minutes of "this is my last company meeting".

Oh my God what a jackass.

I guess you weren't there. It was pretty genuinely touching at times.

Also, I'm never going to hear Michael Jackson's "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" the same way again.
posted by Slothrup at 9:46 AM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

I know that the list of products in the original post was meant to be snarky, but consider where those products took MS -

Zune - formed the framework for the new Xbox platform

Kin - first step into catching up in mobile, now MS is #3 and just bought Nokia

Surface - Pro version is doing well and the devices worked as intended to spur people to adopt Windows 8 in general and on tablets (most made by mfgs playing catchup to MS)

Vista - Overly criticized, it became Windows 7 very quickly, which in turn took the throne from much trusted XP, which also launched under Ballmer - as did most of the products we know including XBOX. So, yeah, they were slow to react in the mobile market, Ballmer isn't always well liked, and they are always an easy target over at MS, but if you're going to point out products under Ballmer, call them all out.
posted by Muddler at 10:47 AM on September 27, 2013

Kin - first step into catching up in mobile, now MS is #3 and just bought Nokia

No. It was the competitor project to Windows Phone, and should have been killed before the ultimately astonishingly bad launch product and resultant complete lack of sales.

If only I knew who was responsible for big calls like that.
posted by jaduncan at 11:03 AM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh, and if you're looking for a big mistake that was poison to the company, it's stack ranking.
posted by jaduncan at 11:11 AM on September 27, 2013 [5 favorites]

Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish: "The steady pattern of ten-digit year-over-year revenue increases also looks pretty good on his resume."

True. But it was also a long, long period of stagnation too, profits gained due to continued sales of older products. Of their major flagship products, only Office showed regular updates for a long time. IE didn't get fixed until it was obvious they'd thrown away a huge percentage of their market share. XP didn't truly get replaced until Windows 7, and really, that only happened because of the backlash against Windows 8: Many that updated (especially in corporate, like at my Govt.-run institution) did so because they had to admit XP wasn't cutting it any more, and bought 7 before it was no longer available to avoid 8.

There were successes under Ballmer, true. But most of their new products - even the successes - have been loss leaders, and the money that they have been making is largely due to the existing legacy stuff they keep selling due to market share. Market share that is slowly eroding, mind you. The company was in a position to absolutely throttle most of the computing and software market when Gates left. This is no longer true.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:16 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Should have gone with that Green Day song.
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 11:22 AM on September 27, 2013

After the song ended, an emotional Ballmer paused to "enjoy this for a minute," with tears visibly streaming down his face. "You work for the greatest company in the world, soak it in."

55-gallon drums of Ballmer sweat were then rolled out for attending employees to soak in, whose increasingly panicked reluctance culminated in a violent stampede to the exit that left 283 developers horribly mauled.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:25 AM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Tell me about the rabbits, Bill."
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:44 AM on September 27, 2013

Was he really CEO for 14 years? Christ, I'm getting old.
posted by double block and bleed at 12:39 PM on September 27, 2013

I work for a tech company and it's hard to imagine our CEO ever acting like that and my God I like it here.
posted by A dead Quaker at 4:01 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I work at MS and while I can't say I agree with every decision Steve ever made, chances are our next CEO won't have been 'born' in the company and there's something a little sad there. His passion was genuine. I got a little misty watching him!

Also, he's still around until the new CEO is appointed, so reports of his death are the usual. He'll also remain a major stockholder and have a position on the board, so it's not like he'll evaporate.
posted by taterpie at 7:08 PM on September 27, 2013

Oh, and if you're looking for a big mistake that was poison to the company, it's stack ranking.

This is what I don't get. Why is Microsoft's stack ranking still around? Everyone agrees that's it horrible; that it saps morale and is counter-productive, rewarding backstabbing among team-members instead of cooperation. I just can't believe that it has lasted so long, and mind-bogglingly, continues. It's like taking pride in a company policy that dictates

"Per tradition, at the end of each quarterly meeting, those in attendance will play musical chairs. The person who doesn't get a chair will then be summarily shot."

posted by blueberry at 11:33 PM on September 27, 2013

If you've been waiting for video, prepare to have the time of your life.
posted by entropicamericana at 9:32 AM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm kinda speechless
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:44 AM on September 29, 2013

He really squirted his emotions on people there.
posted by jaduncan at 2:24 AM on September 30, 2013

Look, he's an overbearing weirdo I'm sure, but it's also a real and open moment. I can't imagine what it's like to be shown the door (however appropriately) from a fantastically successful company you helped build with one of your best friends.

Whatever else is going on here, there is also that.
posted by uberchet at 10:06 AM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]