Join 3,514 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs
October 13, 2013 1:03 AM   Subscribe

Kevin Smith has been given the green light to shoot his next film, a horror movie about a man forced to dress up in a walrus suit by a sadistic tormentor. The film will be called 'Tusk'. Smith was inspired by a real life advert placed on Gumtree earlier this year in which a man who had befriended a walrus called Gregory while living on a remote island off Alaska (now heartbroken, having returned to the UK), offered free rent in his Queen's Park flat for anyone willing to wear a walrus suit for two hours a day. The advert was a prank by a Brighton performance poet. I am not making any of this up.

The text of the original Gumtree advert reads as follows:
Hello, I am looking for a lodger in my house. I have had a long and interesting life and have now chosen Brighton as a location for my retirement. Among the many things I have done in my life is to spend three years alone on St. Lawrence Island. These were perhaps the most intense and fascinating years of my life, and I was kept in companionship with a walrus whom I named Gregory. Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house over looking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions. I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character. To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately two hours each day (in practice, this is not two hours every day - I merely state it here so you are able to have a clear idea of the workload). Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus - there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus - I believe there aer recordings available on the web - to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus. With the exception of this, you will be free to do whatever you choose, and will have a spacious double room, complete run of the house (with the exception of my bedroom and my workshop), and use of all facilities within. I am a considerate person to share a house with, and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accomodate.

Due to the nature of this position I will need to audition all applicants before agreeing to take the chosen candidate on as a lodger. Please contact me if you have any questions.
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED (48 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
The text of the original ad on Gumtree is still available if you click the "Read Full Description" switch. The full text includes a update:
"Update: I would like to thank everyone who has responded to this advert - I was not expecting such an overwhelming response, and I am sorry that I could not respond to everyone. The auditions that I have held were successful and I have now found myself a lodger. Thank you again for all your messages and expressions of interest, and I hope those who did not get the room are not too disappointed and find somewhere to live very soon. Wishing you all the best in any of your future endeavors."
posted by Bwithh at 1:08 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Disappointing to learn it was a prank, but at least the culprit is not another bloody conceptual artist.
posted by Bwithh at 1:09 AM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think Kevin Smith is wrong to choose the horror genre though. But at least he won't be tempted to revive the whole Jay and Silent Bob thing
posted by Bwithh at 1:13 AM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, I was thinking this could be an off-beat comedy, but of course Kevin Smith had to go and fuck it up and make it a horror film.
posted by crossoverman at 1:14 AM on October 13, 2013 [6 favorites]


Wasn't he retiring?
posted by Silentgoldfish at 1:15 AM on October 13, 2013


They're gonna shoot this in November and have it ready for Sundance in January? That's an insane schedule.

If its anything like Red State, I'm in. I really liked that one. Kinda bummed he never did that hockey movie and then retire though.
posted by dogwalker at 1:17 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Red State was pretty good until it reneged on its final promise. Had it followed through instead of pulling its punches, I'd happily call it The One Kevin Smith Film I Actually Like.
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 1:20 AM on October 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


Kinda bummed he never did that hockey movie and then retire though.

I have a feeling that Goon was the hockey movie he wanted to make. Look at Jay Baruchel's character in that and tell me Kevin Smith had anything to add to the genre. Kevin Smith got Kevin Smithed out of hockey movies.
posted by Hoopo at 1:35 AM on October 13, 2013


But at least he won't be tempted to revive the whole Jay and Silent Bob thing


Clerks 3 is happening.
posted by XhaustedProphet at 1:49 AM on October 13, 2013


I was actually quite excited by this when I heard Tarantino was going to be in it due to the potential of it being a complete car crash or just amazingly bizarre. Now, not so much.

This is really something that a director with a demonstrated sympathy with the material (English eccentricity, Hammer Horror) like for instance Edgar Wright, should be doing
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:16 AM on October 13, 2013


ha ha, I sent that ad to someone in my family who was needing a change of scenery...
posted by maggieb at 2:17 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I didn't dislike Red State, but it's really not a "horror movie" in any sense of the term, so I find it odd that he's doing another one.
posted by roll truck roll at 2:17 AM on October 13, 2013


I take it that the horror part is to be accordion-related.
posted by rongorongo at 2:18 AM on October 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


I am not making any of this up.


No offense to you or your imagination, but I doubt that you could.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:44 AM on October 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


Hey, keep spitting the vitriol about Kevin Smith...

Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.
Banky: That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.
Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!

posted by Nanukthedog at 2:50 AM on October 13, 2013 [5 favorites]


Hey, keep spitting the vitriol about Kevin Smith...

Yeah, he doesn't care. People can keep badmouthing him and he can keep making shitty films and the world keeps spinning.

But writing a scene into a film that calls everyone on the internet assholes and anonymous is pretty fucking old-man "get off my lawn" thinking. There have been plenty of people who have said his films are terrible and signed their names to it.
posted by crossoverman at 3:53 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accomodate.

OK this is where I lost it - the film should be canceled immediately, there is no way to improve on the glory of this ad.
posted by Dr Dracator at 4:03 AM on October 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Free horror movie pitch ideas:
Tonedeaf roomie hums endlessly.
Snaked drain reveals endless clog.
Paper cut doesn't heal for four weeks, lemon juice gets in it like every goddamn day.
Time travellers come here from future to document 'golden age of film'.
Tea party revealed to not be controlled by lizard people.

You're welcome Hollywood.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:10 AM on October 13, 2013 [8 favorites]


Rom-com. This really needs to be filmed as rom-com.
posted by cstross at 5:27 AM on October 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


Better yet: a buddy-cop movie.

THEIR BIGGEST CASE YET...

"We catch this guy, it'll be open and shut!"

AND THEIR PRIME SUSPECT...

"The absolute worst of the worst. He's a crafty one..."

...IS THIS MAN.

"The old guy?"
"Listen, he's been fishing here for over 40 years. If you wanna get close to him, there's only one way to do it..."
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:43 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Actual walrus are quite capable of killing a person, if so inclined. I can see the horror angle.
posted by spitbull at 5:45 AM on October 13, 2013


Also, to get technical (as a mefite who has made several walrus FPPs and who has actually been on the ice with them a lot) the horror could come with a simple kiss.

The cute mustache thing? It's like a steel wire brush and can take off skin if you rub against it with any force.
posted by spitbull at 5:50 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd agree with rom-com.

Jessica Hynes is the lovelorn scientist forced to leave her walrus, now living again in Brighton.

Kevin Eldon finds his wife, Julia Davis, cheating on him and is thrown out of the house. He applies for the position in desperation.

Written and directed by Chris Morris in Blue Jam style.
posted by elephantday at 5:51 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Rom com? A walrus penis ("usuk" in Inuit, if you are looking for new insults) is like 3 feet long.
posted by spitbull at 5:53 AM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well I was going to come here to pitch a Sci-Fi thriller approach, but the soundtrack for Horror is totally available:

Yellow mother custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.
posted by sammyo at 6:05 AM on October 13, 2013


But...but David Byrne said the internet would suck all creative content out of the world...
posted by nosila at 6:46 AM on October 13, 2013


Smith has very publicly said that Red State and Hit Somebody were to be his last two films ever. I don't listen to his podcasts anymore, but can anyone link to where he's explaining why he's going back into filmmaking?

(I suspect it's that podcasting isn't quite as lucrative as he thought.)
posted by xingcat at 6:47 AM on October 13, 2013


I think it's hilarious that Kevin Smith just spent the summer at an LA film school making podcasts/doing Q&A's with film students, saying the entire time that the reason he is doing this is that he is getting out of the film business. I don't get why the hell he's been claiming to quit in the first place when it sure seems like he just can't stop.

I don't know...I mean, I always have a soft spot for the dude, even if I have zero interest in seeing Red State or this one and I dunno about Clerks 3 or Hit Somebody. I kind of admire that he is making doing tons of podcasts into some kind of job because he obviously has a very good time chatting it up. And god knows I wish "chatting for a living" or something like that was an option for uh, me. But...it sure does seem like once he took up pot smoking, um.... it hasn't really done him a lot of....mental good? Look, I know I'm boring and sober and don't get the awesomeness of pot, and as far as I can tell pot is probably the least bad of the drugs out there, but once in a great while you find someone who actually doesn't seem to do so well on it, and he seems to be one of them. His movies have gotten...less good (okay, YMMV on this one), and I gave up on listening to SModcast on a regular basis because I got really sick of hearing about the Fleshlight or how Kevin is fascinated by gay men or whatever other lame/slightly squicky topic he keeps discussing to the point of overkill. He even came to my area with a Jay and Silent Bob cartoon movie and I didn't go because I figured I'd be paying to hear 2 hours of Fleshlight jokes and bear jokes and I stopped laughing at that stuff.

But I did like hearing Kevin actually talk about film and being inspiring and helpful and having a point for a change. It was nice. I wish he'd get back to stuff that felt like it had one. Try something else like Dogma that has a more challenging plot in addition to the dick and fart jokes. Mix it up a bit.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:25 AM on October 13, 2013 [6 favorites]


Safety Not Guaranteed
posted by stevil at 7:28 AM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


As long as we all agree that Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms, yo.
posted by delfin at 7:50 AM on October 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


even if I have zero interest in seeing Red State

Red State is actually a pretty great movie. It sucks that it doesn't have the ending originally planned, but in general it works to fulfill the promises it lays out at the beginning. I rewatched it recently with someone who had never seen it before or even heard of Smith, and seeing its effects on him was interesting.

I won't say I recommend it, as it is brutal and horrible on a lot of levels, but as a film, it does work pretty well.
posted by hippybear at 7:50 AM on October 13, 2013


You know how in Vaudeville, when a performer was bombing but refused to get the message, a comically long cane would come out from off-stage and forcibly remove them? I feel like we need to revive this tradition.
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:03 AM on October 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


Call the police.
posted by RobotHero at 10:01 AM on October 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm heartened to find out that I'm not the only one who thinks Kevin Smith needs to just stop already. Especially after promising us all that he would, now that's just unfair. He comes across as an asshole blowhard who smokes too much pot and has nothing of value left in him to warrant all the attention he somehow still gets.
posted by bleep at 10:13 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Surprised no one's linked to this yet. TUSK!
posted by JHarris at 10:14 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hmm.
posted by walrus at 10:52 AM on October 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


I wonder how many furries responded to this lodging ad.
posted by hippybear at 10:59 AM on October 13, 2013


louche mustachio: "No offense to you or your imagination, but I doubt that you could."

I read that as a figure of speech like "have you ever heard such a crazy thing?", not an attempt to put anyone down.
posted by stbalbach at 11:01 AM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Well..... I don't think he's completely terrible for the rest of his life, but I honestly think he needs to lay off the pot or cut it down or something. I've known some folks who smoked up for 8 years or something crazy and were just fine and productive, and a few folks who lost all ambition or stopped producing anything good, and Kevin seems to be heading towards the latter.

When he's talking about films and what he loves about them and making and critiquing them (the aforementioned LA Film School Fridays, and also that Hulu show he had for awhile), he's still fine and on the ball. But his plot ideas for films in the last few years seem to be either rehashing (Clerks 20) or something that only sounds like a good plot idea while high (this one). I mean, no wonder he supposedly wants to quit film if that's what he thinks up, plus the pot sounds like it's sapping his ambition. I thought Zach and Miri was so-so but had some laughs, but that seems to have been The Film That Broke Him, and then he turned into Bluntman for realz. Oy.

As for Red State, I generally hate horror flicks except for a handful or so (Cabin in the Woods, anyone?), and it just doesn't sound like anything I wouldn't hate. Oh well.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:57 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Look, whether talking about a spot on the board at fortune 100 or greeter at Wallmart, the one way to screw yourself over is to sound desperate. So the guy doesn't have any deals in the fire, yeah bummer, a lot of directors have slow periods/decades. But the one answer to an interview question about work is "I really really wanna wanna", but as soon as any bucks are waved in his face, he'll 'become available' even for a furry horror flick.
posted by sammyo at 2:51 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd say that you could say whatever you want about the man, but an offhand comment by his did inspire the creation of Catsby and Twisp, but since the Penny Arcade guys get about as much hate around here as Kevin Smith does, I guess that wouldn't really have a point.
posted by radwolf76 at 4:20 PM on October 13, 2013


Man if this isn't a bong-hit idea I don't know what is.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:30 PM on October 13, 2013


Disappointed to learn this is not an adaptation based on Fleetwood Mac.
posted by dhartung at 6:39 PM on October 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


("usuk" in Inuit, if you are looking for new insults)

I'm pretty sure that word's an insult in English already.
posted by msalt at 7:25 PM on October 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Usuk, we have wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen.
posted by Mister_A at 8:51 AM on October 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty sure that word's an insult in English already.
posted by msalt


Yeah, but don't you ever get tired of calling people "you fucking walrus penis?"
posted by spitbull at 12:29 PM on October 14, 2013


Shades of Slipknot and 'Purity', of all comparisons...
posted by Football Bat at 1:06 AM on October 15, 2013


3 Foot Walrus Penis is a term of great respect in my circles.
posted by msalt at 8:25 PM on October 16, 2013


« Older If you enjoy skeletons and terrible puns, this com...  |  Whittingham Hospital is a beau... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments