MAN BITES SHARK!
October 25, 2013 7:16 AM Subscribe
It was, in his own words, "do or die." "Horton then rolled toward the beast, grabbed its fin with one hand and with the other hand... lit that fish up."
It's a short news item, but I'm just sitting here re-reading it and going "fuck ... holy ... fuck ... " over and over again. Incredible.
posted by gauche at 7:22 AM on October 25, 2013
posted by gauche at 7:22 AM on October 25, 2013
Only me indignant on behalf of the shark? Dude, you were in its house. Glad you're alright, and all, but if you will invade a creature's space for fun it's gonna stand its ground...
posted by billiebee at 7:27 AM on October 25, 2013
posted by billiebee at 7:27 AM on October 25, 2013
nope I think I'm pretty ok not being indignant for the shark in this case
posted by ominous_paws at 7:28 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ominous_paws at 7:28 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
It was life or death - for his board.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:29 AM on October 25, 2013
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:29 AM on October 25, 2013
Horton himself only had a few scratches from his opponent's prick-ish skin
OK, you beat the shark, no need to get abusive about it.
posted by Segundus at 7:29 AM on October 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
OK, you beat the shark, no need to get abusive about it.
posted by Segundus at 7:29 AM on October 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Can't wait for the rematch.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:36 AM on October 25, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:36 AM on October 25, 2013
At one point, a few surfers spotted a fin and tail in the water, but weren’t worried.
“I didn’t think much of it,” he said.
Does no one watch Jaws anymore?
posted by billiebee at 7:40 AM on October 25, 2013
“I didn’t think much of it,” he said.
Does no one watch Jaws anymore?
posted by billiebee at 7:40 AM on October 25, 2013
Only me indignant on behalf of the shark?
Good lord. I'm all for conservation and halting the fin trade and leaving the sharks be. But all our other sins notwithstanding, humans have a right to use the water just like any other animal. And you'd better believe that if a shark decides I look like prey I'm going to do my best to dissuade him just like any other animal would.
posted by rocketpup at 7:45 AM on October 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Good lord. I'm all for conservation and halting the fin trade and leaving the sharks be. But all our other sins notwithstanding, humans have a right to use the water just like any other animal. And you'd better believe that if a shark decides I look like prey I'm going to do my best to dissuade him just like any other animal would.
posted by rocketpup at 7:45 AM on October 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Next week on transposed headlines, MAN BIKES SHART
posted by zippy at 7:58 AM on October 25, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by zippy at 7:58 AM on October 25, 2013 [6 favorites]
MAN BIKES SHART
Not a good combo with lycra shorts.
posted by Herodios at 8:07 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Not a good combo with lycra shorts.
posted by Herodios at 8:07 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Only me indignant on behalf of the shark? Dude, you were in its house. Glad you're alright, and all, but if you will invade a creature's space for fun it's gonna stand its ground...
The castle law of the ocean.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:11 AM on October 25, 2013
The castle law of the ocean.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:11 AM on October 25, 2013
Dude, you were in its house. Glad you're alright, and all, but if you will invade a creature's space for fun it's gonna stand its ground...
It was Hawaii, not Florida.
posted by headnsouth at 8:14 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
It was Hawaii, not Florida.
posted by headnsouth at 8:14 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
[ze frank morgan freeman voice]:
"Here is a picture of a land shark. As you can see, they are virtually indis-ting-uish-able from a sea shark. One way to tell the difference is that the land shark delivers tasty, tasty pizza to your home and then eats you. Do not answer your door.
If you meet a sea shark, just punch that sucker in the eye and yell 'it's you and me, sea shark, mano y mano, come get some' and then it will probably eat you."
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 8:18 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Here is a picture of a land shark. As you can see, they are virtually indis-ting-uish-able from a sea shark. One way to tell the difference is that the land shark delivers tasty, tasty pizza to your home and then eats you. Do not answer your door.
If you meet a sea shark, just punch that sucker in the eye and yell 'it's you and me, sea shark, mano y mano, come get some' and then it will probably eat you."
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 8:18 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Only me indignant on behalf of the shark? Dude, you were in its house. Glad you're alright, and all, but if you will invade a creature's space for fun it's gonna stand its ground...
You're right! He should have just thrown up his hands and said, "Well, shark, you got me. Here, have my foot."
posted by kbanas at 8:26 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're right! He should have just thrown up his hands and said, "Well, shark, you got me. Here, have my foot."
posted by kbanas at 8:26 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Serious question - I thought that "lighting [something] up" in colloquial American meant either lighting something on fire, rioting, or shooting at something repeatedly with an automatic weapon. Is it common to refer to punching something as "lighting [it] up"? I have never heard it used in this manner before.
posted by cmonkey at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by cmonkey at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is it common to refer to punching something as "lighting [it] up"?
I've heard it used that way plenty. Maybe an east coast thing?
posted by orme at 8:48 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've heard it used that way plenty. Maybe an east coast thing?
posted by orme at 8:48 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Serious question - I thought that "lighting [something] up" in colloquial American meant either lighting something on fire, rioting, or shooting at something repeatedly with an automatic weapon. Is it common to refer to punching something as "lighting [it] up"? I have never heard it used in this manner before.
Michigan reporting in. I've heard it used that way plenty, too.
posted by kbanas at 8:55 AM on October 25, 2013
Michigan reporting in. I've heard it used that way plenty, too.
posted by kbanas at 8:55 AM on October 25, 2013
Dude, you were in its house. Glad you're alright, and all, but if you will invade a creature's space for fun it's gonna stand its ground...
You gotta read the whole article. It clearly indicates the shark isn't really pissed.
"The shark, meanwhile, isn't pursuing any charges."
Though we all know he's probably already consulting with the notorious undersea law firm: Sebastian & Flounder, LLC for "damages" due to his pain and suffering...
fuckin' sharks.
posted by Debaser626 at 9:07 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
You gotta read the whole article. It clearly indicates the shark isn't really pissed.
"The shark, meanwhile, isn't pursuing any charges."
Though we all know he's probably already consulting with the notorious undersea law firm: Sebastian & Flounder, LLC for "damages" due to his pain and suffering...
fuckin' sharks.
posted by Debaser626 at 9:07 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is it common to refer to punching something as "lighting [it] up"?
TFA says Horton's a boxer. As the kids say now, let me google that for you.
Remember rule 37:
a) When discussing war, use sports metaphors.
b) When discussing sports, use war metaphors.
posted by Herodios at 9:18 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
TFA says Horton's a boxer. As the kids say now, let me google that for you.
Remember rule 37:
a) When discussing war, use sports metaphors.
b) When discussing sports, use war metaphors.
posted by Herodios at 9:18 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Behind the headlines: Horton couldn't keep up with the payments on his board. It's never a good idea to engage with predatory lenders. That shark will be back for his pound of flesh.
posted by roue at 9:30 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by roue at 9:30 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wow, tough crowd... I'm here all week, try the (other) fish.
posted by billiebee at 9:30 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 9:30 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
billiebee: "Wow, tough crowd... "
You're gonna need a bigger joke.
posted by zarq at 9:56 AM on October 25, 2013 [12 favorites]
You're gonna need a bigger joke.
posted by zarq at 9:56 AM on October 25, 2013 [12 favorites]
Ouch. I'm being unfunny in my natural habitat. C'mere til I punch you in the eye.
posted by billiebee at 10:07 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 10:07 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
With the sociopath who beat an octopus to death and this surfer throwing fists with a shark, it seems like Fight club is going underwater.
posted by three blind mice at 10:13 AM on October 25, 2013
posted by three blind mice at 10:13 AM on October 25, 2013
Now that is badass. Not only did he battle the shark with his fists, he rode the shark! The impact rolled Horton off the board and onto the shark, and he latched on. He was, he said, riding a shark. And then to get back to shore, he didn't just paddle while crying like a baby as I would have, he caught a sweet wave!
posted by bepe at 10:14 AM on October 25, 2013
posted by bepe at 10:14 AM on October 25, 2013
Serious question - I thought that "lighting [something] up" in colloquial American meant either lighting something on fire, rioting, or shooting at something repeatedly with an automatic weapon. Is it common to refer to punching something as "lighting [it] up"? I have never heard it used in this manner before.
It gets used in football a lot. A big hit will sometimes be described as "he lit him up." I recently heard an interview with a quarterback who found himself trying to stop a defender who intercepted a pass, and got crushed on a block. He said "Vince Wilfork lit me up."
posted by azpenguin at 2:28 PM on October 25, 2013
It gets used in football a lot. A big hit will sometimes be described as "he lit him up." I recently heard an interview with a quarterback who found himself trying to stop a defender who intercepted a pass, and got crushed on a block. He said "Vince Wilfork lit me up."
posted by azpenguin at 2:28 PM on October 25, 2013
and with the other hand... lit that fish up.
Put me with the group that thinks punching something is not even remotely close to 'lighting it up.' This (with Spanish subtitles) is lighting a shark up.
posted by LeLiLo at 3:39 PM on October 25, 2013
Put me with the group that thinks punching something is not even remotely close to 'lighting it up.' This (with Spanish subtitles) is lighting a shark up.
posted by LeLiLo at 3:39 PM on October 25, 2013
It's clear that what finally dissuaded the shark was not the vicious beating, but the weight of this man's giant brass balls.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:19 PM on October 25, 2013
posted by DWRoelands at 6:19 PM on October 25, 2013
Dude, you were in its house.
just because it has running water doesn't make it a house
posted by pyramid termite at 6:19 PM on October 25, 2013
just because it has running water doesn't make it a house
posted by pyramid termite at 6:19 PM on October 25, 2013
Lit him up, punched his lights out, lit him up again.
posted by Segundus at 12:47 AM on October 26, 2013
posted by Segundus at 12:47 AM on October 26, 2013
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