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Scroll Down to Riker
October 28, 2013 8:23 AM   Subscribe


 
This is nearly, but not quite, a "Hey Girl" Tumblr. At least that's how I am hearing it in my head.
posted by Kitteh at 8:26 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ha! I have been rewatching TNG for the first time since it was on television and he really is quite the ladies man.
posted by something something at 8:27 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was hoping that it would be an interactive Riker-sitting-down simulation.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:30 AM on October 28, 2013 [21 favorites]


Oh, so bookmarked for whenever I'm feeling down. Love the little blink on the scroll back up.

I never appreciated Riker properly in first run. I was all about Picard and Data, and tended to think of Riker as just another space swashbuckler hero type. But Frakes brought so much humor, emotional depth, and vulnerability to the role that I just didn't pick up on until I was a bit older and wiser.

Keep 'em comin', you big, sexy bear.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:32 AM on October 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'm a bit terrified that when I reach the end, I get Riker giving me a saucy smile and it says "Undefined" underneath him.

Undefined WHAT, Will? WHAT?
posted by Katemonkey at 8:33 AM on October 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


Oh now it works. Dammit, I was way too amused by the "Undefined". And the quick shot of Riker with other ladies.
posted by Katemonkey at 8:34 AM on October 28, 2013


Riker needs some more lines if he wants to woo me.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:38 AM on October 28, 2013


It didn't work for me until I turned off my Javascript-blocker.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 8:38 AM on October 28, 2013


The What button on the bottom right indicates these lines are only up to season 3 and more will be added.
posted by Twain Device at 8:39 AM on October 28, 2013


Undefined WHAT, Will? WHAT?

He's letting you make the first move, but he wants you to know he's up for anything.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:39 AM on October 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Also, if you look closely on the full-zoom in, the red in his eyes strongly suggests demonic possession. This may be an evil Riker.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:40 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


99% sure I'll be putting together a Riker costume for Halloween parties, and this just adds fuel to the fire.
posted by COBRA! at 8:41 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Riker? I hardly know her!
posted by eriko at 8:51 AM on October 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


Undefined is the name of Riker's jazz quartet. He plays trombone, Data's on vox, Worf's on Klingon concertina and Wesley Crusher "plays" the electric triangle.

They are terrible. Really, just awful.
posted by griphus at 8:51 AM on October 28, 2013 [21 favorites]


It's dead, Jim.
posted by briank at 8:52 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Black screen. "Scroll Down to Riker". nothing happens when I scroll. I assume that I'm missing some hi-larious in-joke.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:54 AM on October 28, 2013


We are -- and always shall be -- its friend.

.
posted by griphus at 8:55 AM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Apparently it works on some, but not all, browsers and configurations, DWRoelands. All I see is a static shot or Riker and "Scroll Down to Riker". Likewise, nothing happens when I scroll.
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:02 AM on October 28, 2013


Or, you know, a 503 page.
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:02 AM on October 28, 2013


What is this? Yeah, blank screen. Nothing here. There's not even a static shot of Riker here. Guess this doesn't work on Chrome? Seems like a bit of an oversight. Going to try it on Firefox now, I guess...
posted by koeselitz at 9:04 AM on October 28, 2013


Should I tell my girlfriend I think about Commander Riker when I sleep with her?
posted by TheAlarminglySwollenFinger at 9:04 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


TheAlarminglySwollenFinger: Should I tell my girlfriend I think about Commander Riker when I sleep with her?

I thought that was just assumed. There are people who don't?
posted by Rock Steady at 9:07 AM on October 28, 2013 [9 favorites]


Oh, hey, it's back up. Works fine on Chrome.
posted by griphus at 9:10 AM on October 28, 2013


you might need to disable adblock on that page - that's what worked for me
posted by titus n. owl at 9:11 AM on October 28, 2013


OK, for those of you for whom it doesn't work:

It starts out as a picture of Riker on the bridge with a serious face. When you scroll down, his face morphs into a twinkly-eyed grin, and a randomized Riker bon mot, such as "When in Rome, eh?" or "I dream of a galaxy where your eyes are the stars and the universe worships the night" appears at the bottom of the screen.

99% sure I'll be putting together a Riker costume for Halloween parties

PIXPLSKTHXBAI
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:14 AM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thank you for bringing this to my attention!

riker riker riker riker wooo
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 9:18 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ah, I see - at least I see on Firefox. Very nice.
posted by koeselitz at 9:19 AM on October 28, 2013


I never appreciated Riker properly in first run. I was all about Picard and Data, and tended to think of Riker as just another space swashbuckler hero type.

I would like to be proud that I can take credit for always thinking Riker was awesome.

Except I first watched TNG as a tween girl. It probably would have been better for my gentle young psyche if I had mostly been interested in Data.

One of the coolest things about TNG is that, years later, you can rewatch and find new things to be interested in. There seems to be a collective fascination with Riker right now which is interesting since when the show originally aired, fans were much more interested Data and Worf.

I don't know of a lot of other 80s/90s TV shows where people are rewatching and re-analyzing and discovering new angles like this. It really speaks to the depth of the original material.
posted by Sara C. at 9:19 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also OMMMGGGGGG how am I not going as Riker for halloween this is a travesty

(Anyone got a TNG-era redshirt uniform top I can borrow?)
posted by Sara C. at 9:20 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


W Key + Ctrl + Spacebar while scrolling swings my leg over your chair.
posted by The Riker Who Mounts the World at 9:27 AM on October 28, 2013 [13 favorites]


This may be an evil Riker.

Is Thomas Riker truely evil?
posted by dr_dank at 9:34 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Should I tell my girlfriend I think about Commander Riker when I sleep with her?

As long as everyone takes a shower I don't see what the big deal is.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:40 AM on October 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I don't know why everything is about Riker this morning but here's where I was at.
posted by cortex at 9:46 AM on October 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Should I tell my girlfriend I think about Commander Riker when I sleep with her?

As long as you're ok with her thinking about Uhura.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:54 AM on October 28, 2013


Needs more Data eye rolling in the background.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2013


Sara C., Old Navy has definitely been inadvertently selling Star Trek uniform sweaters the past couple years - I don't know how anyone can see those two colored sweaters colorblocked in gold and teal across the shoulders as anything BUT Star Trek uniforms. This year's version has differently colored sleeves.
posted by maryr at 9:57 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also OMMMGGGGGG how am I not going as Riker for halloween this is a travesty


You don't just "go" as the Riker. You inhabit Him, albeit temporarily. He graces you with a piece of His divine image and you consider yourself goddamn lucky that He finds you so attractive.
posted by Think_Long at 10:00 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


I recently watched the Voyager episode "The Disease", wherein Ensign Kim gets in big big trouble for getting romantically involved with an alien. Apparently there's a Star Fleet regulation where anyone who wants to get involved with an alien has to clear it with their CO first. This regulation is taken extremely seriously, and has grave consequences if violated.

All I could think was "Whoever wrote this Star Trek episode is not familiar with Star Trek."
posted by Flunkie at 10:02 AM on October 28, 2013 [17 favorites]


Voyager makes a lot more sense when you realize that Janeway's strict adherence to Starfleet protocol and the Prime Directive are her trying to desperately keep from going insane in the face of the all but hopeless mission before her, and taking it out on her crew.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 10:10 AM on October 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


"Captain Kirk, as the foremost officer on this planet, do you give Captain Kirk clearance to make sweet, sweet love with this beautiful Orioness?"
"You're damn straight I do, Captain Kirk."
posted by griphus at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2013 [19 favorites]


Also there's a chance that the med team on the Enterprises just treated Riker like a petri dish for outer space STDs.
posted by griphus at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I was hoping that it would be an interactive Riker-sitting-down simulation.
The guy who made QWOP should make that.
posted by Flunkie at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2013 [9 favorites]


All I could think was "Whoever wrote this Star Trek episode is not familiar with Star Trek."

Either that, or it was a brand-new regulation, written by an Admiral who read one too many reports labeled "Riker Got The Prime Directive Caught In His Zipper Again" and got fed up.

Anyone got a TNG-era redshirt uniform top I can borrow?

Why limit yourself to the uniform?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:14 AM on October 28, 2013 [10 favorites]


There was clearly a double standard.

Riker got to flout the rules while Harry Kim was never even promoted. Even Tom Paris was promoted. If I was Harry Kim I would have consulted a space lawyer.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:17 AM on October 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Voyager makes a lot more sense when you realize that Janeway's strict adherence to Starfleet protocol and the Prime Directive are her trying to desperately keep from going insane in the face of the all but hopeless mission before her, and taking it out on her crew.
As I get further into the series, I am developing an intense dislike of Janeway for basically this reason. She's a petty autocrat, she directly overrides fundamental rights of her crewmembers at a whim (even up to including their right not to be summarily executed just because she's sad), and she does it all with an air of "Oh, poor me, I have to do this because my crew needs me to do it". Once in a while, someone somehow gets her to change her mind about some of her worst planned excesses, but then she takes it as an opportunity to lecture that person about how moral she herself is and how great she is for teaching that person how to be good.

But even ignoring that, the whole "Harry Kim needs to be punished for having an affair with an alien" thing is just totally absurd. Even ignoring the usual suspects like Kirk and Riker, and even ignoring other series. Other than Tuvok and Seven, is there even a single member of the Voyager senior crew who hasn't gotten it on with an alien, to that point in the series? And even Tuvok wanted to, but he didn't because he believes love is the most dangerous emotion, not because of some previously unheard of Star Fleet regulation.

Hell, Janeway herself was making out with an alien just a few episodes earlier.
posted by Flunkie at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


then she takes it as an opportunity to lecture that person about how moral she herself is and how great she is for teaching that person how to be good.

Granted I haven't actually started watching Voyager yet, but you can really say the same thing about Picard. Patrick Stewart is just so damn good at speechifying that it doesn't occur to you to actually think about what he's saying.

There've been so many bad-guy characters on DS9 (especially Kai Winn, but also others) who've given Big Eloquent Speeches to justify their terrible decisions, and I always think, "wait a sec, if Picard was saying this, we'd all have tears in our eyes right now..."

If anyone other than Patrick Stewart had been cast as Picard, he would have come off as an insufferable asshole.
posted by Sara C. at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


Maybe about the moralizing, but not about the petty dictatorship, nor about the moralizing due to being convinced to rein in the petty dictatorship a bit.
posted by Flunkie at 10:27 AM on October 28, 2013


Picard always seemed to take his petty dictatorship urges out on primitive planets that Starfleet would probably also want to pettily dictate things to. So I guess he just knew where he could get away with it.

Also, Q.
posted by Sara C. at 10:31 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Captain Kirk, as the foremost officer on this planet, do you give Captain Kirk clearance to make sweet, sweet love with this beautiful Orioness?"
"You're damn straight I do, Captain Kirk."


I can't help hearing these lines as Nathan Fillion cosplaying Captain Kirk.
posted by JiBB at 10:33 AM on October 28, 2013 [29 favorites]


I recently (like a year ago) rewatched Voyager and Harry Kim is as much a lacuna as he was when I was watching the show while it aired. Like I know, intellectually, that there was an ensign on ops named Harry Kim but damn if I remember anything about him.
posted by griphus at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, and just to get it off my chest at long last: Neelix is Ned Flanders In Space. That is all.
posted by Flunkie at 10:55 AM on October 28, 2013 [10 favorites]


Ad Hominem: If I was Harry Kim I would have consulted a space lawyer.

Robert Piccardo's contract wouldn't allow him to portray Voyagers Emergency Legal Hologram. His activation catchphrase "please identify the tortfeasor" didn't test well in focus groups either.
posted by dr_dank at 11:07 AM on October 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


"Smooth as an android's bottom."

Uh. Thanks, Commander.
posted by cmyk at 11:13 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Anyone got a TNG-era redshirt uniform top I can borrow?

Stylish and practical.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:20 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


> 99% sure I'll be putting together a Riker costume for Halloween parties

I saw a Riker costume at my local Goodwill yesterday. Sadly, my local Goodwill is not your local Goodwill, if your profile is accurate. A Riker costume is one of those items you just want to make sure gets to the right home. I've always wondered what happened to the Stargate uniforms I dropped off there.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:20 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Smooth as an android's bottom.
posted by cortex at 11:35 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


JiBB: "I can't help hearing these lines as Nathan Fillion cosplaying Captain Kirk."

Flip it over, and imagine Worf answering back with

"We will...do the weird things. (glare)"
posted by jquinby at 11:42 AM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


I went as Riker last year and, like most of my costumes, it mostly reminded me that I need nerdier friends. These folks will overnight: http://www.wholesalehalloweencostumes.com/adult-costumes/mens-costumes/tv/R888979-star-trek-tng-adult-deluxe-red-shirt.html
posted by Skwirl at 11:56 AM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I find it vaguely offensive that they're still selling Spice Girls costumes, but there's no TNG uniform top for women.
posted by Sara C. at 12:03 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Last time I Rikered I was in the hospital for a week. No thank you!
posted by blue_beetle at 12:07 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I sent a copy of JiBB's comment to Nathan Fillion on Twitter.

Let's see if he replies!
posted by cmyk at 12:12 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Smooth as an android's bottom."

He'll hump anything once.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:27 PM on October 28, 2013


He is a noted trysexual.
posted by cortex at 12:30 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


posted by The Riker Who Mounts the World

AKA the Sockpuppet Who Is Worth Its Weight In Five-Dollar Bills. Well played, mystery MeFite.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:05 PM on October 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


She's a petty autocrat, she directly overrides fundamental rights of her crewmembers at a whim...

...and that screechy voice. Wouldn't've had that issue with Bujold in the chair.
posted by ovvl at 5:06 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Interestingly Harry Kim died and was replaced with a duplicate from another universe

Nobody noticed
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:47 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


...in either universe.
posted by griphus at 6:14 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why limit yourself to the uniform?
Great. Now don't ever do that again.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:16 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


We're getting new computers at work tomorrow.

The ones we have now are so old that they only showed an infinitely repeating wall of Rikers, that froze when I tried to scroll.

It was a bit terrifying.
posted by Jeanne at 7:37 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I find it vaguely offensive that they're still selling Spice Girls costumes, but there's no TNG uniform top for women.

Bwah? Shirts and dresses.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:48 PM on October 28, 2013


Interestingly Harry Kim died and was replaced with a duplicate from another universe

Nobody noticed
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:47 PM on October 28 [3 favorites βˆ’] Favorite added! [!]


Honestly, I loved that resolution, because the episode ended with "other Harry" walking with "Janeway Prime", and he outlines the absurdity of what happened, where Janeway just kinda goes "eh, Star Trek." and Harry kinda nods and the credits roll.

It was as close to a literal hand-wave as I've yet seen, and it was glorious.

(I also appreciate pro-wrestling for the same reason, so feel free to ignore my opinions on anything forever)
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:24 AM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


> Bwah? Shirts and dresses.

The shirts are unisex, which means "cut for men."
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:43 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I finally looked at this, and it's everything I could have hoped for.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:21 PM on October 29, 2013


You didn't scroll far enough then. Here. Ladies' tees and jerseys.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:41 PM on October 29, 2013


None of those are TNG related.
posted by Sara C. at 8:53 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, I feel your pain. I get that the TOS (specifically, the Abramsverse reboot) stuff is what's "current", but I think it's way past time for the TNG-era stuff to come back. Who's up for Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Next Generation?!?
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:02 PM on October 30, 2013


Looks like I spoke too soon: ST:TNG Pajamas.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:16 PM on October 30, 2013


I've been hoping for a reboot for about the last year or so. Though one problem is that a TV reboot would be either on CBS or Showtime. I'm especially salivating at a TNG where the writers looked to the original broad narrative arcs to create a more serialized show about Starfleet internal corruption in the face of a Borg invasion. You could then loop in some of the more interesting one-off episode ideas, and create a pastiche of the original TNG series and all the Golden Age Of Television types of storytelling that are possible nowadays.

In the case of the former, I'm just not sure it would be able to reach its potential and have a lot of those familiar "constant conflict with the network suits" problems that TOS had when it was on TV. CBS would want it to be NCIS In Space, not the tense, subtle sci fi drama that it could be.

In the case of the latter, I dunno, doesn't Showtime have two types of shows they go for, either sex-oriented stuff or things pegged to a female demographic? Not sure how a TNG reboot would fit into their brand. Though, sure, if you're asking, I would love a show about Dr. Crusher and Counselor Troi having brunch with Guinan, why the hell not?
posted by Sara C. at 1:31 PM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


On the other hand, a Voyager reboot would be BRILLIANT on Showtime. Except by reboot I mean take a hard 180 and just do a completely different show about a female starship captain.
posted by Sara C. at 1:34 PM on October 30, 2013


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