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October 31, 2013 10:01 AM   Subscribe

Text Messages From A Jack O'Lantern.
posted by mightygodking (34 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
rick
rick
rick
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this is getting awfully old now rick
posted by Curious Artificer at 10:04 AM on October 31, 2013 [7 favorites]


I had a terrible feeling that this was going to be sad. And it was. We have a jack o'lantern at home still but luckily we carved a picture on it instead of a face, so there is no temptation to personify.
posted by Frowner at 10:04 AM on October 31, 2013 [5 favorites]


rick
rick
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Now I am imagining that someone carved a jack-o-lantern out of a cat, and I am really sad. Thanks.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:05 AM on October 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


this is fake
posted by mullacc at 10:06 AM on October 31, 2013 [22 favorites]


Goddamn it stop finding new inanimate objects for me to feel sad about theres already infinity of them
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:09 AM on October 31, 2013 [23 favorites]


We got a ceramic one this year which I totally vetoed but no one listens. But, having read this, I am now happy that we chose immortality.
posted by mittens at 10:09 AM on October 31, 2013 [5 favorites]


It's sad, but think how much more exciting it was to be a Jack O'Lantern instead of just a regular pumpkin. At least he wasn't carved into pieces and his guts stuffed in a pie.
posted by Kevin Street at 10:09 AM on October 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I'm still not over Text Messages from a Ghost. Thanks a lot for making me sad about a whole new Halloweeny thing, Mallory Ortberg!
posted by yasaman at 10:13 AM on October 31, 2013 [4 favorites]


Now I am imagining that someone carved a jack-o-lantern out of a cat, and I am really sad

We tried to put one of our cats in a pumpkin we were carving last night to take a cute picture. She was very mad, especially when she couldn't get the feeling of pumpkin guts off her hind legs. So she went to our new couch, which she has been trained to treat with reverence, to wipe them off there, facing us the whole time.

She is beyond awesome.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:17 AM on October 31, 2013 [12 favorites]


hey, cool, i'm growing a fur coat
now i won't be so cold next time it snows

That's probably mold. You're rotting.
oh - i wondered why my face was falling in
No, that's just poor dental hygiene. You should floss more.
i don't have any hands
Good point. Too late now, anyway. You're rotting.
you said that already
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:17 AM on October 31, 2013 [7 favorites]


The saddest jack-o-lantern I ever carved was in 2004. Imagine, a rotting John Kerry O Lantern on your porch on November 4th, 2004.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:19 AM on October 31, 2013 [8 favorites]


Indistinguishable from what was happening on John Kerry's actual porch.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:20 AM on October 31, 2013 [14 favorites]


is snow a joke?

You got that fucking right.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:27 AM on October 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


it'sno joke
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:29 AM on October 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


I can't imagine a jack o'lantern lasting until December. A Californian jack o'lantern is probably like the whale from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: a moment of sentience before a swift, mushy death.
posted by book 'em dano at 10:29 AM on October 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


Is it me?
Is what you?
No one is coming
What do you mean, "no one is coming?"
the smaller giants - they walk by
you mean the children?
whatever, no one is coming
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 10:43 AM on October 31, 2013


That was unexpectedly heartbreaking.
posted by xingcat at 10:54 AM on October 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


xingcat: That was unexpectedly heartbreaking.

Not if you read Text Messages From A Ghost. Then it was expectedly heartbreaking.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:35 AM on October 31, 2013 [6 favorites]


A Californian jack o'lantern is probably like the whale from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: a moment of sentience before a swift, mushy death.
n my native Northeast you can expect a jack o'lantern carved a week before Halloween to last at least until the night itself. The one and only time I carved a pumpkin in southern California was kind of heartbreaking; it was covered with fuzzy mold within 24 hours.
posted by usonian at 11:48 AM on October 31, 2013


Apparently the solution is a brief soak in water, followed by sealing the entire inside and any cut parts with Vaseline. I have never bothered to try this though.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:52 AM on October 31, 2013


My favorite Mallory Ortberg is Texts from Emily Dickinson.
Toads can die of light you know
I believe you
Kills them right up
posted by en forme de poire at 12:10 PM on October 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


Not if you read Text Messages From A Ghost. Then it was expectedly heartbreaking.

I made the mistake of reading the sequel and now think I may be broken.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 12:18 PM on October 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


Texts From The Yellow Wallpaper

"Next thing you know, your dropsy is so bilious it makes ship fever look like barrel fever
And then where would you be"

posted by Rock Steady at 12:25 PM on October 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Goddamn it stop finding new inanimate objects for me to feel sad about theres already infinity of them

it's treatable
posted by tigrrrlily at 1:44 PM on October 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


*A Swedish man pulls in front of camera, his hair slick against his forehead from the downpour*

Many of you feel bad for this pumpkin lamp. That is because you crazy. It has no feelings, and the new holiday is much better.
posted by cyberscythe at 4:39 PM on October 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Not if you read Text Messages From A Ghost.

Oh god, Text Messages From A Ghost. "See you in a few minutes." Argh, all the feelings.
posted by jokeefe at 5:54 PM on October 31, 2013


Surely texts from William Carlos Williams also needs to be linked here. (it's not as lovely as the Ghost ones or the Jack-O'Lantern one though)
posted by aka burlap at 6:30 PM on October 31, 2013


Good point. Too late now, anyway. You're rotting.
Rotting? What's rotting?
You're breaking down into little bits that I'll add back to your patch.
My patch? I get to go back?
Yes, & part of you will grow you back for next year.
Oh oh oh .... Yay! Yes, please.
Goodnight, Jack. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely compost you in the morning.
posted by tilde at 9:04 PM on October 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


> Not if you read Text Messages From A Ghost. Then it was expectedly heartbreaking.

I just read Text Messages From A Ghost and found the last line rather poignant, then saw the link to The Return of Ghost and thought oh hey, it's OK, there's a sequel! But then

> I made the mistake of reading the sequel and now think I may be broken.

:( Yup
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:51 PM on October 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


God, I'm sorry I read that. So sad. It triggers every heartbreaking, hollow sensation in my soul and makes me want to rush to nurture something. Anything.
posted by Miko at 6:00 AM on November 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I see your sad pumpkin and raise you Self Aware ROOMBA, which made me sob at my desk one particularly vulnerable day. I thought it had ended when ROOMBA escaped the house via the cat flap (whirr), but I see ROOMBA went rogue for Halloween.
posted by vickyverky at 1:52 PM on November 1, 2013


Peppermint Patty has had to deal with these existential questions, too.
posted by bryon at 2:27 PM on November 1, 2013


I was totally going to mention ROOMBA in my comment. That one got me, too. This has a similar, innocent/hopeful voice.

It seems ridiculous that these little winsome things bring up really sad/painful feelings, but they do!
posted by Miko at 2:58 PM on November 1, 2013


It triggers every heartbreaking, hollow sensation in my soul and makes me want to rush to nurture something. Anything.

I have some croutons that need petting!
posted by en forme de poire at 4:27 PM on November 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


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