"Be Mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up."
November 13, 2013 4:52 PM Subscribe

Students at Richardson High School (Richardson, TX) was treated to a special, optional PTA-sponsored assembly during the school day. R U Dateable? founder and motivational speaker Justin Lookadoo came to let students know his big cool rules for dating, which included telling girls that they need to shut up and and let men lead.

Parents are angry about the religious nature of the assembly and the short notice given. The school district has yet to respond to inquiries.
posted by SNWidget (534 comments total) 53 users marked this as a favorite

My high school once got a sneakily religious motivational speaker. It began as some sort of combination basketball-and-drunk-driving-awareness presentation, but about 30 minutes in they started talking about Jesus. My principal was visibly furious, and actually took a couple steps toward the guys before thinking better of it. About half the gym was super into the Jesus part, the rest were weirded out. (To the school's credit, they apologized later.)

I have no idea how those guys managed to get a gig at a public high school without the principal knowing what their deal was- they had google in 2004 after all!
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:56 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nice try SNL sketch stop pretending to be real.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:58 PM on November 13, 2013 [19 favorites]

What does he say when you aren’t around?

"IT IS TIME TO FART"
*FARTS*

What is she thinking?

"IT IS TIME TO FART"
*FARTS*

Why does he do that?

BECAUSE IT IS TIME TO FART

What does she really mean?

*FARTS*
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:58 PM on November 13, 2013 [40 favorites]

I am soft and gentle, men are not. Noted.

(Why do some men do such a disservice to themselves!)
posted by stoneandstar at 4:59 PM on November 13, 2013 [8 favorites]

They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

I'm pretty sure that conquering lands is more about oppressing the oppressed.

His rules are full of contradictions, but that one really stands out.
posted by poe at 5:00 PM on November 13, 2013 [86 favorites]

That's right, girls. If your boyfriend leaves you, it's probably because you didn't let him open a ketchup bottle.
posted by scody at 5:01 PM on November 13, 2013 [28 favorites]

Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

I like how it's the guys job to keep the women "covered up".

We live in Saudi Arabia now, or what ?
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 5:01 PM on November 13, 2013 [57 favorites]

When I was in high school, the school district was burning thousands of dollars (I think actually probably tens of thousands) for "Character Counts!" merchandise and licensing that, so far as I can tell, is entirely secular but was still stupid. I do blame the church groups, mind, for doing this sort of thing, but I also suspect that schools with stripped-down budgets are flailing around trying to find cheap feel-good stuff to shove down students' throats and the religious groups are essentially winning the bidding war by being cheap/free. I suspect a lot of administrators are trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth when they schedule stuff like this.
posted by Sequence at 5:01 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Great pictures of Lookadoo with Jerry Falwell, et al. on his photos page. Also, lots and lots and lots of Christian rockers.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:03 PM on November 13, 2013

I am rather confused by the quiz.

Taking the boy one for myself, we have questions like

You’ve both agreed where you draw the line for physical stuff.

You push the physical as far as SHE will let you.
She’ll make sure you don’t go too far.

Putting these as "true", we get:

You’re close to really losing it. Don’t let your hormones take over. To be a man you have to control how far you go. Right now you’re way off.

Reversing all my answers, I get:

You da man! But don’t get cocky. You have to be tough and keep hanging on to self-control. You are totally focused the right way. Keep it up!

So yes uh

I guess consent isn't cool?
posted by solarion at 5:03 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

At any time did the presentation contain the sentence "I ain't wearin' no gunny sack"?

Justin Lookadoo

jesus
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:04 PM on November 13, 2013 [17 favorites]

Isn't this what The Reformation was all about? YOU TOO can read the Bible and call yourself an expert in, umm, dating.
posted by sneebler at 5:05 PM on November 13, 2013 [15 favorites]

"if she loved you, she would" marked true gets you a YOU DA MAN

so uh, yeah. into the industrial sausage machine with this dude.
posted by elizardbits at 5:06 PM on November 13, 2013 [25 favorites]

But I'm supposed to be untamed!

Stop sending me mixed messages rudatable.com
posted by Ad hominem at 5:06 PM on November 13, 2013

Looka-doodley-doo, neighbor!
posted by klangklangston at 5:07 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

Taking the girl quiz

You are served something you are allergic to so you talk about your health for the next 10 minutes.

Those fuckin' unbiblical annoying bitches!
posted by stoneandstar at 5:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [16 favorites]

Mr. Pterodactyl has spent the fourteen minutes since this was posted sharing bits of it with me while we both become increasingly furious and shout with each other about how wrong and stupid and awful it all is. Ugh ugh ugh I can't even pick one specific thing.

Of course, maybe I'm just bitter because since I'm apparently a shouty person and, even worse, the shouting is about my own THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS GOD FORBID I'm not datable. Also I put out.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [35 favorites]

You are a fear prisoner. Yes, you are a product of fear.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [29 favorites]

Also girl quiz:

You are every guy’s best friend.

... what? Is this another euphemism for being a lady of the night? Clearly undateable.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

I guess consent isn't cool?

To give the bleach-tipped his due, you didn't need to reverse "You've both agreed where you draw the line for physical stuff." With regard to the "as far as SHE will let you" question, his point is that the man should be exhibiting self-control for its own sake, and not just because the woman won't let him go further.

I don't share his beliefs about sex, but it seems unfair to say that the quiz is pro-rape.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

"if she loved you, she would" marked true gets you a YOU DA MAN

if she loved you, she would finish her sentences

_{though i guess stammering can be like nervous affection?

gosh dating is so confusing}
posted by solarion at 5:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

"Those fuckin' unbiblical annoying bitches!"

Shellfish ain' kosher, ladies.
posted by klangklangston at 5:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

Compare:

6. Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

with

10. Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent. She knows we are made for community. Needing each other is part of faith. She allows him to be needed at times, knowing he was called to serve just as much as she was.

I think I'm a boy.
posted by mochapickle at 5:10 PM on November 13, 2013 [41 favorites]

"if she loved you, she would" marked true gets you a YOU DA MAN

Nevermind, that's rapey.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:10 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Isn't this what The Reformation was all about? YOU TOO can read the Bible and call yourself an expert in, umm, dating.

Presumes actual reading of the Bible.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

You’re a wanted woman. Guys are dying to find out more about you. That’s what keeps ‘em coming back for more. Your phone’s probably ringing off the hook. You don’t tell people everything in the world about yourself. You know they can’t take it all in at once and so you only give them a little peek at a time. Keep being Dateable!

As an ex-Super Christian, this is just so very weird. I forgot the part of Proverbs 31 where the Godly Woman's phone is ringing off the hook.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [15 favorites]

To give the bleach-tipped his due, you didn't need to reverse "You've both agreed where you draw the line for physical stuff."

Yeah, fair call. But I'm still not happy with the implications of the quiz as it is because (I assume) getting a 6/10 puts you in the good zone but doesn't tell you what you got "wrong". So you can mark it that way and it'd all look hunky-dory.

This assumes people take it seriously, but you've always got to work under that presumption.
posted by solarion at 5:12 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

To give the bleach-tipped his due, you didn't need to reverse "You've both agreed where you draw the line for physical stuff." With regard to the "as far as SHE will let you" question, his point is that the man should be exhibiting self-control for its own sake, and not just because the woman won't let him go further.

I don't share his beliefs about sex, but it seems unfair to say that the quiz is pro-rape."

The full answer is: "You push the physical as far as SHE will let you.
She’ll make sure you don’t go too far."

That second part really does free the guy from any responsibility there.

But hey, the whole thing is pitched at making you dateable to some strip mall Guy Fierri XTREME GODLINESS tool, so whatevs.
posted by klangklangston at 5:12 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

And I'm in the DANGER ZONE ladies, so take a number!
posted by klangklangston at 5:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [16 favorites]

Also, I normally hate to do this, but it is really, really, REALLY weird in Christian conservative circles to be going around giving dating advice to teenagers without establishing that you are Very Happily Married as your credentials for Why This Works. Which this guy is... not doing. And to be honest, a lot of this reads like he's never actually spoken to a real live woman, much less a teenage girl. Or actually dated.

If he's actually not gay, I'm forced to imagine this (totally NSFW).
posted by Sequence at 5:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

I took the girl quiz and apparently I am dateless because there's no mystery.

Then I took the guy quiz and got this:

You’re close to really losing it. Don’t let your hormones take over. To be a man you have to control how far you go. Right now you’re way off.

So, um, I think my previous "way too shouty and aggressive" diagnosis might be spot on.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think I would find it much harder to get a date following these rules than otherwise. I require my inborn sexy rockstar charisma to snag a boy toy.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:14 PM on November 13, 2013

I am soft and gentle, men are not. Noted.

(Why do some men do such a disservice to themselves!)

Another one I enjoy is "the male form is inherently ugly"
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:14 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

Oh, hee! The twitter hashtag? #lookadouche!
posted by mochapickle at 5:15 PM on November 13, 2013 [12 favorites]

given, there's also no male quiz result for "you are painfully shy" either
posted by solarion at 5:16 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, sorry, friend I was chatting with did actually find an interview where it mentions him being married, but the general lack of emphasis on this in the presentation is still really unusual compared to everything I've been exposed to previously. I'm still not totally convinced said wife is not imaginary.
posted by Sequence at 5:18 PM on November 13, 2013

lol. "What up, fellow bro of God! You have no game!"
posted by stoneandstar at 5:18 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

I grew up in a very secular part of Canada in the mid-70's and 80's.

It was really weird when these Christian weighlifter dudes came to do a show in the gym in front of the whole school in the late 80's (ie, everyone looked and dressed like Kirk Cameron back then).

While praising Sweet Jesus! they inflated rubber hot water bottles until they popped just by blowing into them.

So strange.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:19 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

That's guy's a freak all right. Just not in the way he thinks.
posted by notsnot at 5:19 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

It was really weird when these Christian weighlifter dudes came to do a show in the gym in front of the whole school in the late 80's (ie, everyone looked and dressed like Kirk Cameron back then).

Was that the Power Team? I definitely saw them back in the mid 90s in middle school, but I know they've been around forever.
posted by SNWidget at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

Real men are not constrained by the reality of their opposite sex wives!
posted by stoneandstar at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Jesus. This like all the bad thoughts I had about myself as an adolescent into propaganda.
posted by angrycat at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

Imaginary wife? Given the scary pic on his bio, it's entirely possible that he ate his wife while on bath salts.
posted by kanewai at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [28 favorites]

So what's the over/under on this guy having a Ted Haggard style meth and rent-boys double life?

"Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed. "

Those men, those virile, sexy, untamed men, God just made them so much better than women you know? I mean, it's always hard to follow up on a masterpiece, but God, well god did his best with women. Wasn't good enough, so he had to put laws in place so that they'd date each other. Because really why would you want anything other than a bold, strong man?
posted by Grimgrin at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [41 favorites]

He was a Juvenile Probation office for almost six years
posted by solarion at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

I swear to fuck I've just bitten through my own knuckles
posted by billiebee at 5:21 PM on November 13, 2013 [23 favorites]

I wouldn't want anyone but me giving my children dating tips.

Stuff like this makes me roll my eyes. Got nothing to do with actual Christianity, even.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:21 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

Ladies, I'm in to long walks on the beach, beer with good friends, and the first one of you to kick Justin Lookadoo square in the balls.

Actually, that's not true. I'm in to the last one of you to kick Justin Looadoo square in the balls as well, and all the ones in between.
posted by eriko at 5:21 PM on November 13, 2013 [37 favorites]

Turns out I've been doing this whole "man" thing wrong for decades.
posted by The Potate at 5:23 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

He was a Juvenile Probation office for almost six years

He was a Juvenile Probation office for almost six years!

Highlighted for emphasis.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:26 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

he was the entire office, his name is legion, he contains multitudes
posted by elizardbits at 5:28 PM on November 13, 2013 [43 favorites]

Is it just me, or does rudatable.com sound like a place where you would go to order really crash furniture? Possibly carved out of rutabagas.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:29 PM on November 13, 2013 [40 favorites]

I need to lie down.

Softly.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 5:29 PM on November 13, 2013 [18 favorites]

a gibbering protean mass of flesh, millions of eyes gaping, millions of mouths screaming helplessly

"high five bro" it sobs, waving limbs that dream in their darkest secret moments of being hands
posted by elizardbits at 5:30 PM on November 13, 2013 [70 favorites]

From the guy's bio:

Justin has a biology degree.

But don’t call him a science geek! He graduated from Tarleton State University, where he spent a lot of time studying the body, especially how it works and how drugs and chemicals can mess up your insides as well as how gender differences impact the development of the human brain."

(emphasis added)
posted by Sys Rq at 5:31 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay.

Empathy is not weakness, nor is it safe.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:34 PM on November 13, 2013 [19 favorites]

Given the scary pic on his bio, it's entirely possible that he ate his wife while on bath salts.

Jesus. Dude appears to have inhaled a hedgehog with such force that it has exploded the back of his skull.
posted by scody at 5:34 PM on November 13, 2013 [76 favorites]

oh my holy motherfucking

are we all seeing what justin lookadoo looks like

are we seeing that his bio page takes you to

- a faq in PDF form

- his R U Dateable site

and

- his myspace

wait, no, sorry. i feel bad making fun of the guy. this is mean of me.

wait, what's that you say, justin's website?

But even with all of his success, he is the first to point out that his speaking ability is a gift. Just like Michael Jordan has the gift of being a great athlete, Justin has the gift of being a great speaker.

well, nevermind
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:35 PM on November 13, 2013 [11 favorites]

Empathy is not weakness, nor is it safe.

Seriously, right? Empathy makes strong men and women. This stuff is sad.
posted by stoneandstar at 5:35 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

Am I the only one who keeps seeing that website as Rude Table.com?
posted by jquinby at 5:36 PM on November 13, 2013 [31 favorites]

Hugging up on the Reverand Dr. Jerry Falwell

If I ever meet Jerry Falwell, I will certainly not be hugging him. Also, learn to fucking use a spell checker.

Excuse me, be right back, have to go punch something.
posted by arcticseal at 5:38 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ray Walston, Luck Dragon: At any time did the presentation contain the sentence "I ain't wearin' no gunny sack"?

Probably one of my top 5 Achewoods.

From the rules: The Dateable girl let’s God run the world

I assume he learned this during his time as a "Juvenile Probation office"
posted by dhens at 5:40 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

I am apparently dateable because I don't want to enable potential stalkers by telling them everything on the first date.
posted by immlass at 5:41 PM on November 13, 2013

LOL Famous Monster, I just came by to point out BRO HAS A MYSPACE TO CONNECT TO COOL KIDS

Because, I assume, his two photos were TOO EXTREME FOR FRIENDSTER
posted by klangklangston at 5:42 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

Sys Rq: "how gender differences impact the development of the human brain.""

Something impacted his brain. Maybe his mom was the one doing bath salts.
posted by notsnot at 5:42 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Here are some things Justin Lookadoo looks like:

Like a slightly melted Barbie doll that some kid cut almost all the hair off of.

Like an undercover cop who's about to ask a teenage girl if she likes Sugar Ray.

Like the love child of Martin Freeman's ugly brother and a blowfish.

Like Hellraiser: Miami.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:44 PM on November 13, 2013 [88 favorites]

Here are some things Justin Lookadoo looks like:

Like he will be photographed doing a perp walk sooner or later.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [20 favorites]

Metafilter: a gibbering protean mass of flesh, millions of eyes gaping, millions of mouths screaming helplessly
posted by Hairy Lobster at 5:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [20 favorites]

It's... well, not amusing so much as pathetic, how much all the "cool" in Lookadouche's hairstyle, dress, and website simply reeks of desperate uncoolness.

How on earth could anyone be fooled into thinking this loser could be motivational for teens or preaching any healthy messages about self-image and behaviour?

More importantly, who the hell booked this freaky fucking misanthrope, and have they been fired for their abysmal stupidity?

I am impressed, even thrilled, that a bunch of Texan religious teens recognized this guys bassackwards social and sexual ideas, and gave him hell for it. Gives one a bit of hope, it does.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:48 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

"Justin Lookadoo. The name says it all. He's a freak, let's be frank...But even freaks can have a point, and Justin’s is sharp enough to cut your heart out and serve it to you on a platter."

And this man, he works with children?
posted by clockzero at 5:48 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Justin has a biology degree. But don't call him a science geek!

Um, that imperative, that imperative there might indicate some assumptions being made, dude. Some, perish the thought, unwarranted assumptions, even. But you'd know about those, being so scientificy and all.
posted by seyirci at 5:49 PM on November 13, 2013

But even freaks can have a point, and Justin’s is sharp enough to cut your heart out and serve it to you on a platter."

Did somebody say bath salts
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:50 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

You're not making Christianity better, you're making rock and roll worse!
posted by Aizkolari at 5:52 PM on November 13, 2013 [46 favorites]

I can't even...just...inchoate...revulsion...
posted by Fists O'Fury at 5:53 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Did somebody say bath salts

Looks like somebody said that into a mirror three times in the bathroom of an abandoned elementary school and this creepy Christian sex leprechaun came bounding out
posted by clockzero at 5:55 PM on November 13, 2013 [57 favorites]

Roll video. It's exactly what you'd expect, and yet more horrifying.
posted by mochapickle at 5:59 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Submitted without comment.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:02 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

Wait, so this wasn't taking place OUTSIDE the school day but it was INSTEAD of classes that taxpayers were paying to have take place? I would want my $$ back if I were a TX taxpayer...
posted by Tandem Affinity at 6:03 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

So, courtesy of the look inside option on Amazon, we can read this excerpt, written by Lookadoo, addressed to teenage girls:

"Today I represent the guys in your life, and I'm going to fill you in on what goes on inside my head when I think of girls.

The biggest thing that I just love about girls is how soft your skin is. Mine's all rough and hairy, but yours is so soft that I just love it when it brushes up against me. And you know what makes your skin softer than mine? You body has extra fat cells. The fat cells that you love to hate are really the reason for your soft skin that I love.

And believe it or not, I love the fact that you're emotional, because that gives me something I don't have. It's an adventure I don't get to live on my own. Now, if you are psycho-overemotional, that's another issue. But emotions are so feminine and so not male that I love it. It's uncharted territory. It's a maze. It's a challenge. It's what makes you a girl and not a guy.

I love the way you talk. Three words in an e-mail can totally make a man feel like fighting a battle and rescuing a beauty. The kind and feminine things you say are stuff I would never get from my guy friends, and I need it. I need to hear your sweet words like "You're my hero," or "You're so strong." When an e-mail starts with "Hey, Doll," my face lights up. I know for sure it isn't one of my guy friends talking--that would be freaky!

I love the cute little clothes you wear. A guy would never be caught dead in ruffles, but on you it's so girly, and that makes it cute.

...

Quit saying all that negative stuff about yourself. When you do that, what you are doing is basically telling us guys that we are wrong. When you get upset when I say you're beautiful and say, "No, I'm not," you are calling me stupid. It doesn't matter what you think about you; let me think what I want to think. When you tell a guy he's wrong, you run him off. Why would a guy want to go out with a girl [and here the free preview mercifully cuts off the text]"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower.
posted by Tsuga at 6:03 PM on November 13, 2013 [53 favorites]

I am - for once - heartened by the comments in the main link.
posted by rtha at 6:05 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

From his programs PDF: Justin is the Humoticator™

Please die in a fire.
posted by GuyZero at 6:05 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

The Dateable girl let’s God run the world

I like to imagine this being a conversation between The Dateable Girl (pretty nice superhero, but probably not the one you're going to marry) and a friend, talking about their plans for world domination. "I wanna rule the world, but not, like, just rule the world. I wanna really rule the world. Like Stalin would. Or more than that.

Dateable Girl says, "Like God? With floods and pestilence, and smiting?"

"Yeah, Dateable Girl. Like God. Let's God Rule the world."

God wouldn't choose a messenger who lacked basic understanding of apostrophe usage.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:06 PM on November 13, 2013 [41 favorites]

What's a HUMOTICATOR?
posted by mochapickle at 6:06 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

mochapickle: "What's a HUMOTICATOR?"

$20, same as in town.
posted by jquinby at 6:07 PM on November 13, 2013 [51 favorites]

So, courtesy of the look inside option on Amazon, we can read this excerpt, written by Lookadoo, addressed to teenage girls [...]

I feel ill.
posted by northernish at 6:07 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

HUMongously idiOTIC alligATOR
posted by Sys Rq at 6:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's not just that they don't want you to have sex. They don't want you to date. Or, if you date, they want you to do it in as emotionally distant a way as possible: in public, before 10 PM, never getting your hopes up. Because once you feel fidelity for another person? That's when you stop doing everything they say.
posted by Apropos of Something at 6:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [8 favorites]

"Justin Lookadoo. The name says it all. He's a freak, let's be frank...But even freaks can have a point, and Justin’s is sharp enough to cut your heart out and serve it to you on a platter."

And this man, he works with children?

Reminds me of this.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

A guy would never be caught dead in ruffles

Ruffles, hose and a codpiece make me feel like a real man.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [20 favorites]

Seriously he sounds like Jame Gumb and I am Officially Creeped The Fuck Out.
posted by elizardbits at 6:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

The biggest thing that I just love about girls is how soft your skin is. Mine's all rough and hairy, but yours is so soft that I just love it when it brushes up against me.

Also, yeah, I have reasonably hairy arms -- my friends have said they haven't really noticed but that might be a lie and I'm super, super self-conscious about them so, um, thanks, asshole. Good to know that this makes me less datable or, perhaps, actually just not a woman at all.

Yes, I know that there are so many horrible problems with this guy that that's a dumb one to pick but seriously, everything he says makes me so angry I can't focus on anything else for a little while.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:11 PM on November 13, 2013

Every so often, I am reminded why I'm so happy to be above the baseline of what's required to be considered a decent human being.
posted by davejay at 6:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

IT MEANS YOU ARE SAFE FROM BECOMING HIS TIT SUIT
posted by elizardbits at 6:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [52 favorites]

Chapter Three: It Rubs the Lotion on its Skin
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:12 PM on November 13, 2013 [22 favorites]

Who wore it better?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 6:12 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Also, yeah, I have reasonably hairy arms -- my friends have said they haven't really noticed but that might be a lie and I'm super, super self-conscious about them so, um, thanks, asshole. Good to know that this makes me less datable or, perhaps, actually just not a woman at all.

If it makes you feel better, that sentence is no less insane, crazy, inaccurate and downright creepy than everything else he says. So if your reasonably hairy arms matter to anyone at all, it's just to him, and if that means he'll stay far away from you, you win!
posted by davejay at 6:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, elizardbits said it so much better than I did.
posted by davejay at 6:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: elizardbits said it so much better than I did.
posted by Tsuga at 6:15 PM on November 13, 2013 [89 favorites]

IT MEANS YOU ARE SAFE FROM BECOMING HIS TIT SUIT

Depending on his answer to item seven on the quiz: "You push the physical as far as SHE will let you. She’ll make sure you don’t go too far."
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:16 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

elizardbits: "
this man totally fucking has a sub-basement room made up of chest freezers full of the dismembered limbs of teenage girls, holy shit"

"It puts the lotion on its skin..."
posted by notsnot at 6:17 PM on November 13, 2013

The biggest thing that I just love about girls is how soft your skin is. Mine's all rough and hairy, but yours is so soft that I just love it when it brushes up against me. And you know what makes your skin softer than mine? You body has extra fat cells. The fat cells that you love to hate are really the reason for your soft skin that I love.

this man totally fucking has a sub-basement room made up of chest freezers full of the dismembered limbs of teenage girls, holy shit

Seriously. The thing that's most fucked-up here, I think, is that we should be actively teaching boys not to be like this font of creep, this Gollum-esque moral runt, this fellow who must have been freebasing a drug called creep in his trailer in the woods for the past few decades, and teaching girls to not trust men or boys who talk about women or their bodies like this. This guy should be a cautionary tale for all children of what to avoid, what not to be, and what not to trust. Jesus fucking Christ.
posted by clockzero at 6:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Wait until you hear the intro music he uses for his presentations.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:21 PM on November 13, 2013

IM DA MAN but I M DATELESS. Thank goodness for fucked up double standard gender roles or I would never know where I put my car keys.
posted by davejay at 6:21 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

So basically every brain here simultaneously flashed back to 1991
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:23 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

I will happily go on a date with anyone who sets this dude on fire.

Because that's dateable.

I was just going to link to a Tumblr-produced gifset of Hannibal eating "pork" with his classy, satisfied little smile, but my computer was being stupid slow. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I would eat this guy. For the good of the nation and our yutes, and also my own personal satisfaction, I would eat him. And I would use his hair as a modernist centerpiece at the dinner table.
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:26 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

I read the FAQ, so you won't have to! His favorite book is Green Eggs and Ham, you guys. His favorite superhero is Aquaman. And also, when you ask him how old he is, his answer is "Legal in every state."

(I wish I were making that last bit up to be funny.)
posted by BlueJae at 6:26 PM on November 13, 2013 [33 favorites]

THIS ONE WEIRD SECRET WILL HELP YOU DATE THE BIBLE
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:26 PM on November 13, 2013 [42 favorites]

And also, when you ask him how old he is, his answer is "Legal in every state."

WE SHALL BEAT TO QUARTERS
posted by elizardbits at 6:27 PM on November 13, 2013 [17 favorites]

In a way, I get it. There are so many of us out here who can't handle ambiguity, of "being off-script" or the idea that maybe a lot of the "rules" that we create do very little in preventing the chaos that happens in life or helps us manage interactions with other people whose feelings and motivations we can barely fathom even when they tell us, much less being able to control ourselves when we are barely conscious of our own motivations.

But hardly anyone gets up and tell young people that it's all a learning experience, all discovery, even when it hurts, even when we're confused, even when the flashes of "what IS this?" pops up in our heads in bed next to someone, or at the altar, at the project recap meeting while the manager drones on, or walking down a crowded street, right up to when we're dying. We're mostly trying our best to navigate through this, but for people like Lookadoo (and the secular versions of him), that's not enough, I guess, thus "rules", and quizzes with right and wrong answers on something as ambiguous as love and sex.

I think this incident says more about fears working in the adults who hired and OK'ed this assembly (and of Lookadoo too, for doing this) than it does about what kids need to learn at this stage in life.
posted by droplet at 6:28 PM on November 13, 2013 [22 favorites]

I thought this was how Jesus started out.
posted by mazola at 6:31 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

And also, when you ask him how old he is, his answer is "Legal in every state."

Am now watching the Julie Andrews episode of The Muppet Show to remind myself that there is some good in humanity.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:32 PM on November 13, 2013 [14 favorites]

Kids at a school were forced to listen to some stupid jackass' bullshit? In America?!!!! How did this happen. I blame Obamacare.
posted by humanfont at 6:34 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

He looks a lot like that Sham Wow guy. The Sham Wow guy ft in trouble for biting off the tongue of a sexworker. I think. Also, meth. At least what the Sham Wow guy was hawking could soak up an entire spilled 2 liter bottle of soda. Useful!
posted by atomicstone at 6:35 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

My alma mater!

Yay...
posted by rosswald at 6:39 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Yes! It's what I'm always telling my daughters, as their mother sits silently in the corner, not making eye-contact while I open all of the ketchup bottles: "Revenge belongs to God."
posted by chococat at 6:43 PM on November 13, 2013 [52 favorites]

One more quote, via:

"Don’t tease the animals. Have I mentioned that guys are visual? They get turned on by what they see. … So listen: please, PLEASE don’t tease us. To show us your hot little body and then tell us we can’t touch is being a tease. You can’t look that sexy and then tell us to be on our best behavior. Check yourself – if you’re advertising sex, you’re going to get propositions. … A guy will have a tendency to treat you like you are dressed. If you are dressed like a flesh buffet, don’t be surprised when he treats you like a piece of meat."

I just can't even...
posted by Tsuga at 6:44 PM on November 13, 2013 [14 favorites]

Right, okay. Why doesn't he just wear a shirt that says I TOUCH UNDERAGE GIRLS FOR JESUS.
posted by elizardbits at 6:46 PM on November 13, 2013 [54 favorites]

If you are dressed like a flesh buffet, don’t be surprised when he treats you like a piece of meat.

- Human Civilization, b. ~10,000BC, d. 2013

posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [20 favorites]

Flesh Buffet? Isn't that the new Lady Gaga album?
posted by bitter-girl.com at 6:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [18 favorites]

Oh man.

So his audience is 14-15 year olds. Are parents aware that he's referring to their daughters as having hot little bodies & flesh buffets? Isn't there some statute re: lewd behavior toward minors?
posted by mochapickle at 6:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [18 favorites]

Love the tweets of the kids who walked out.
posted by ColdChef at 6:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [34 favorites]

"YOUR HOT LITTLE BODY"

i am clawing at my face
posted by elizardbits at 6:48 PM on November 13, 2013 [16 favorites]

Does it make more sense to learn that he's loosely affiliated with a pray the gay away program?
posted by komara at 6:53 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Oh, hee! The twitter hashtag? #lookadouche!

Check out the full twitter feed for the hashtag starting at about 9 hours ago as of this post. The TFN page has some good examples, but the wider response of students calling this creep out offers a much needed counter to his ravings.
posted by audi alteram partem at 6:54 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

Well, at least I have learned that the term 'flesh buffet' somehow meets the trifecta of turning me on, making me hungry, and grossing me out.
posted by rosswald at 6:55 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Apparently he lives about 12 minutes from my house here in Texas. Huh.
posted by SNWidget at 6:58 PM on November 13, 2013

10 bucks says the school tries to punish the kids, sparking another uproar.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 6:59 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Check out the full twitter feed for the hashtag starting at about 9 hours ago as of this post. The TFN page has some good examples, but the wider response of students calling this creep out offers a much needed counter to his ravings.

Wonderful, wonderful! I am proud of those kids.
posted by mochapickle at 7:00 PM on November 13, 2013

I swear, he sounds like a closeted trans woman having an epic breakdown in public. I'm trans, so yeah, confirmation bias and all that, but the way he talks just sounds like a super repressed trans girl trying her hardest to "fix it".
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:02 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

More like Justin Wackadoo, amirite?
posted by octobersurprise at 7:02 PM on November 13, 2013

Cool Rule #1 for Girls: "Accept your girly-ness."
Cool Rule #1 for Boys: "Being a guy is good."

I guess we now know who rules and who drools.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:04 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

Must go watch 'High Diving Giraffes' to feel better... Otherwise I will get all Balkan on someone's ass after reading this.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 7:05 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Love the tweets of the kids who walked out.

Phew. Yay those kids. I was just thinking, I was in high school like 20 years ago (WTF) and people would have thrown things if we heard something like that. And we had lots of Mormons and conservative Christians in my school. But "soft skin" and "shutting up" NOPE NOPE.
posted by sweetkid at 7:07 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Cool Rule #1 for Girls: "Accept your girly-ness."
Cool Rule #1 for Boys: "Being a guy is good."

Also: Boys should believe in themselves. Girls should believe in their beauty.

This is like - and then we blame women for -

GRR
posted by sweetkid at 7:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

Homeschoolin's easier.
posted by Ardiril at 7:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

To show us your hot little body and then tell us we can’t touch is being a tease. You can’t look that sexy and then tell us to be on our best behavior.

Yes I can, thanks to the matriarchy!
posted by stoneandstar at 7:10 PM on November 13, 2013 [13 favorites]

Also I really do hate that the lesson is that being a man is awesome, and being a girl is OK because you can be a foil to how awesome a man is. Fuuuuuckkk you. Lick my boots.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [27 favorites]

To show us your hot little body and then tell us we can’t touch is being a tease. You can’t look that sexy and then tell us to be on our best behavior.

Sterek prompt or ~*misandry*~?
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

When I finally do turn to vengeance cannibalism it will be this man's fault.
posted by elizardbits at 7:14 PM on November 13, 2013 [22 favorites]

Failed the quiz. I am talkative, he apparently doesn't like that very much:

UR Dateless! The mystery is gone. You’ve probably told him everything about you so why would he want to see you again? But it’s not too late. Start talking less and listening more. Let him bring up things to talk about. Ask him questions about him. Stop talking about yourself so much. There is plenty of time for him to get to know you. Practice thinking about him and take your eyes off yourself so much.

That's the aroma of Christ I am smelling I think
posted by gerstle at 7:14 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Sterek prompt

What's this?
posted by dhens at 7:19 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Don’t tease the animals. Have I mentioned that guys are visual? They get turned on by what they see. … So listen: please, PLEASE don’t tease us. To show us your hot little body and then tell us we can’t touch is being a tease. You can’t look that sexy and then tell us to be on our best behavior. Check yourself – if you’re advertising sex, you’re going to get propositions. … A guy will have a tendency to treat you like you are dressed. If you are dressed like a flesh buffet, don’t be surprised when he treats you like a piece of meat."

Oh, God. Reading this gives me that feeling you get when, after a long night of heavy drinking, you suddenly KNOW that you're going to be sick, like right now. This is misogynistic propaganda. He's basically telling girls that they shouldn't ask for it while telling boys that some girls are just asking for it, so y'know, wink wink. He's openly inciting violence against women and girls. Why is this allowed?
posted by clockzero at 7:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [13 favorites]

Are you kidding me with this guy?!
posted by tittergrrl at 7:22 PM on November 13, 2013

Why is this allowed?

Because their version of christ's teachings is basically shitty hateful OOC fanfic written by bitter old ex-BNFs who hate canon.
posted by elizardbits at 7:24 PM on November 13, 2013 [50 favorites]

What's this?

not sure

but the night is dark and apparently full of it
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:25 PM on November 13, 2013 [12 favorites]

"Roll video. It's exactly what you'd expect, and yet more horrifying."

God that looks like bombing an open mike at the Chuckle Hut.

GIRLS DRIVE LIKE AIRPLANE FOOD
posted by klangklangston at 7:25 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

Another one I enjoy is "the male form is inherently ugly"

Uhm pretty sure David is modeled on an underaged person :|
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:28 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you are dressed like a flesh buffet, don’t be surprised when he treats you like a piece of meat."

elizardbits, I think that's your cue to begin with the vengeance cannibalism, unless you think my gender needs a few hours to marinate.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 7:28 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

What a waste of time. I've already sold my daughter to my cousin for livestock and illegal cable.
posted by Brocktoon at 7:28 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Uhm pretty sure David is modeled on an underaged person :|

Ack, didn't know that, thanks
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:32 PM on November 13, 2013

Don’t tease the animals. Have I mentioned that guys are visual? They get turned on by what they see. … So listen: please, PLEASE don’t tease us. To show us your hot little body and then tell us we can’t touch is being a tease. You can’t look that sexy and then tell us to be on our best behavior.

So I had another glass of wine and this whole part is still just a horror show-- it's insulting to everyone. Boys aren't animals. Girls aren't teases for owning their bodies, for wearing their clothing. Men don't get to beg to tell women to hide themselves. You want to touch*? You earn it by being a decent goddamn human being, not by shaming some sixteen year-old out of the dresses she likes or the swimsuit she wants to wear.

*considering that this is a dude talking to high schoolers, this is also hella creepy
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:32 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

He just deleted some posts from his Facebook page. One of them was his own -- a plea to comment in his favor on a local news station's page.
posted by mochapickle at 7:32 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

> hot little body
> hot little body
> hot little body
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:35 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Stop saying that!
posted by kiltedtaco at 7:36 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Now LOTS of posts/comments are gone. Oddly enough, he's keeping up a photo of himself wearing a toilet seat cover.
posted by mochapickle at 7:36 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

mochapickle: I think I'm a boy.

Actually... YOU DA MAN!
posted by dr_dank at 7:37 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Why why why did I go to his facebook page why
posted by rtha at 7:37 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

we need photos for the summoning
posted by elizardbits at 7:38 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

hot little... curiosity?
posted by mochapickle at 7:38 PM on November 13, 2013

Wow, that guy looks creepy disgusting. (I second the perp walk comment, especially with the comments about the hot little bodies.)"Trying to look cool," indeed. Also, he has to have made up that "last name," right?

On the plus side, who knew so many people in Texas were actually sensible about things like this? That's surprisingly cheering.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:40 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, oh, oh! A FB comment that's still up!

"Hi, I had a dating question. I was on a date with a girl who was sharing some very personal and pertinent information and she hit the nine minute mark. Should I have asked her, sorry, told her to shut up at that point or just ended the date right then?"

posted by mochapickle at 7:40 PM on November 13, 2013 [24 favorites]

This is a post on his Facebook page right now. I wonder how long it will stay up:

(From a man): "Hi, I had a dating question. I was on a date with a girl who was sharing some very personal and pertinent information and she hit the nine minute mark. Should I have asked her, sorry, told her to shut up at that point or just ended the date right then?"
posted by dhens at 7:40 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

his picture kind of reminds me of if Guy Fieri did all of the meth I made in that Clicking Bad game all at once
posted by en forme de poire at 7:41 PM on November 13, 2013 [20 favorites]

curses, mochapickle!
posted by dhens at 7:41 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also, he has to have made up that "last name," right?

It's real. His mom ran for a state rep chair last year.
posted by mochapickle at 7:44 PM on November 13, 2013

On the plus side, who knew so many people in Texas were actually sensible about things like this? That's surprisingly cheering.

From the TFN comments:

"someone shoulda warned him about texas girls and women. bless his heart."
posted by *s at 7:45 PM on November 13, 2013 [26 favorites]

Why why why did I go to his facebook page why

Well that comment made me want to lookadoo at it and how I wish I lookadidnt
posted by sweetkid at 7:46 PM on November 13, 2013 [40 favorites]

Apparently he lives about 12 minutes from my house here in Texas. Huh.

You should go immediately right now and spray paint pentagrams and 666 all over the outside of his house.

C'mon. Go. Now. You know you want to.
posted by soundguy99 at 7:46 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

Excuse me fellow witches of this coven, soundguy99 is an FBI informant.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:49 PM on November 13, 2013 [17 favorites]

Another post on his FB timeline (presumably under the radar because it is from April):

Rape Culture Warning:

In one chapter of the book Christian dating book "Dateable," by Justin Lookadoo (official) and Hayley DiMarco, there is a quote that says "If you dress like a piece of meat, you're gonna get thrown on the BBQ," and a doodle-like drawing (part of the book--not something someone scribbled in) of a building called "Tom's Meat Market," which has women's bodies hanging from meat hooks in the window.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
posted by dhens at 7:49 PM on November 13, 2013 [63 favorites]

Folks, we draw the line at "Let's go to his house" sort of stuff, be cool okay?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:50 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

Seriously that seems to validate some of elizardbits's theories...
posted by dhens at 7:50 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you dress like a piece of meat, then two people each dressed as bread and another person dressed as a piece of lettuce will hug you really close and then you will have to walk together.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:52 PM on November 13, 2013 [105 favorites]

Uhm pretty sure David is modeled on an underaged person :|

Wait what since when?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:53 PM on November 13, 2013

Also on FB (from the same person who posted about the meathook drawings):

One highly disturbing theme that's been emerging in my research of Christian dating books: describing sex as a man hunting, fishing, or conquering (while also describing women as "meat"). Take this quote from "Dateable" by Justin Lookadoo (official) and Hayley DiMarco:

"Guys love the battle. They love the adventure. The chase. If goes way back to the caveman days of clubbing Dino in the head for food. It's built into that Y chromosome. Hunt. Chase. Conquer. Ugh! We're the same when it comes to girls."
posted by dhens at 7:59 PM on November 13, 2013

In one chapter of the book Christian dating book "Dateable," by Justin Lookadoo (official) and Hayley DiMarco, there is a quote that says "If you dress like a piece of meat, you're gonna get thrown on the BBQ," and a doodle-like drawing (part of the book--not something someone scribbled in) of a building called "Tom's Meat Market," which has women's bodies hanging from meat hooks in the window.

Holy shit.

This man is actually evil.

Not merely stupid, not merely confused, not well-meaning but clumsy. Actually, really, unmistakably evil.

Doesn't the bible say something about how to treat other people? I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve meathooks and barbequing sluts.

36 “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?”
37 Jesus said unto him, “‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.’
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it: ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’
40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
posted by clockzero at 8:00 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

"Guys love the battle. They love the adventure. The chase. If goes way back to the caveman days of clubbing Dino in the head for food. It's built into that Y chromosome. Hunt. Chase. Conquer. Ugh! We're the same when it comes to girls."

Note the subtle implication that cavemen really did coexist with dinosaurs, and not just on the Flintstones.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:00 PM on November 13, 2013 [23 favorites]

Meathooks! So that's what I've been doing wrong...

...my meat costume will be unbeatable next Halloween
posted by Scattercat at 8:02 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Amazon reviews
posted by dhens at 8:06 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wait what since when?

I think the implication is that David was underage when he killed Goliath, not that the model for the sculpture was himself underage. I'm not aware of any evidence of who Michaelangelo's model actually was - given how long the sculpture took I'd imagine he used multiple models.
posted by en forme de poire at 8:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

clockzero: 36 “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?”
37 Jesus said unto him, “‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.’
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it: ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’
40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

41 YOUETH THINE MAN!
posted by dr_dank at 8:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Poring over the Amazon reviews...

"If somebody has a bad family you shouldn't date them?"

Holy crap, is this really a thing in his teachings? That is a new level of vile. That is a bonus level of vile. That is the Tubular of the Star World of vile.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:20 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

Blessed are the poor, though they are not our class, dear
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:21 PM on November 13, 2013 [16 favorites]

Blessed are the poor, though they are not our class, dear

What's worse is that at least somebody with that viewpoint would be happy to point out that the poor are free to date other poor people.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:23 PM on November 13, 2013

And another book quote someone noted in one of the Amazon reviews:

"this whole women's lib thing has less to do with women getting rights and more to do with men becoming pansies."
posted by Tsuga at 8:26 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Report from the local news/ABC affiliate
posted by warm_planet at 8:27 PM on November 13, 2013

From the report: "It's up to administrators to check up on speakers...since there were no complaints last time [8 years ago] he was welcome back."

YES, MORE FINGER POINTING SO HELPFUL.
posted by warm_planet at 8:29 PM on November 13, 2013

"It's up to administrators to check up on speakers...since there were no complaints last time [8 years ago] he was welcome back."

Seriously, no complaints the last time? Was it the same schtick? Because that's almost more alarming.
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:32 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

I almost feel bad for the guy because he is such a ridiculous person with such transparent Issues, like someone who constructed their entire self-image based on a Chick tract and two commercials they saw on Nickelodeon in '91, but then again, he is going around telling teenage girls that guys would like them better if they just didn't have so many opinions sooooooo
posted by en forme de poire at 8:37 PM on November 13, 2013 [10 favorites]

From a post on his fb, titled Can a nice guy get a date?:

Girls really don't want a bad boy. They want excitement. They want to be caught up in something bigger than they are. The problem is that somewhere between the modern church and the feminist movement guys have become weak. We have been taught to be really nice, quiet, polite, timid. Don't jump unless you test the waters for security. All of that is fine. But that is all we have become. The reason Bad Boys get attention is because they seem to be the only ones living what Jesus called, "Life to the fullest."

No comment because what the hell can I say that would be coherent.
posted by rtha at 8:37 PM on November 13, 2013 [13 favorites]

Lookadoo claims to have "different programs for different audiences" but given his general obliviousness, to wit:

Why did you tell girls to get out of abusive relationships, instead of telling guys not to be abusive in the first place?" one student asked.

"I've done about 4,000 programs, and that's never happened," the speaker said.

I'm very surprised he hasn't gotten pushback before.
posted by warm_planet at 8:37 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

I know that um infelicities with the 'ol English language are the least of the guy's problems, but still, from dude's website, selling a book called "The Hardest 30 Days of Your Life"-

He challenges youth to actually live out what they believe through practical steps like giving up their TV, Internet, PlayStation, and magazines for 30 days. The unique four-color design is eye-catching and appeals to any postmodern teen.

Um postmodern teen. Yeah, just reading some website, talking about those 'postmodern teens...'

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO EVEN MEAN?

I think I will wait for elizardbits to explain this, it seems like the sort of thing that she might know.

postmodern teen

yep, that's still weird.
posted by hap_hazard at 8:38 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

So, I filled out both quizzes honestly, and got the expected result (as a girl: dateless because I talk too much! as a guy: close to losing it!)

But I noticed that no one seemed to be getting any other responses here, so I changed the "girl" one so that every answer about how much I talked was "I never say anything at any time ever." The result? I was STILL dateless because I talk too much.

It was obvious that I was still "failing" because I had answered that I am such a whore that if someone asks me out on a Thursday for a date on Friday and I was free I might dare to say, "Sure", and so on. But the quiz does not have a you-are-a-giant-Friday-dating-slut response.

His concept of gendered differences is so ingrained that he cannot create a "you are close to losing it!" response for women EVEN WHEN IT MAKES NO SENSE NOT TO HAVE ONE BASED ON THE RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS BEING ASKED. It's like there's a short-circuit between the questions and the result. Women talk and don't like the sex; therefore if they are quiet and do like the sex ... *sizzle* *scorch* You Must Be Talking Too Much!
posted by kyrademon at 8:40 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

Um postmodern teen. Yeah, just reading some website, talking about those 'postmodern teens...'

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO EVEN MEAN?

Justin Lookadoo = #nodads
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:42 PM on November 13, 2013

...living what Jesus called, "Life to the fullest."

...
posted by junco at 8:45 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

one of the 5-star Amazon reviews said "my son plans to court instead of date."

People watch too many Little House on the Prairie re-runs
posted by ohshenandoah at 8:55 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh apparently that is the Moron's Exegesis of John 10:10. In which THE LORD says that through him believers might have a surpassing or extraordinary life ("ὁ κλέπτης οὐκ ἔρχεται εἰ μὴ ἵνα κλέψῃ καὶ θύσῃ καὶ ἀπολέσῃ: ἐγὼ ἦλθον ἵνα ζωὴν ἔχωσιν καὶ περισσὸν ἔχωσιν.") An Internet search reveals that this interpretation isn't idiosyncratic to this particular moron (how surprising).
posted by junco at 8:56 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

postmodern teens

there is no such thing as outside of the txts
posted by elizardbits at 8:57 PM on November 13, 2013 [23 favorites]

See, I'm maybe being charitable, but I'm not sure he's really a creep. It's certainly possible, but having run into, er, a lot of guys through church who turned out to be heavily closeted, there's a certain... performance of heterosexual masculinity? Like, he's taken what he heard in other people's stupid sexist lectures about human sexuality and then AMPED IT TO THE MAX because he thinks that's cool and edgy and the finished result bears no resemblance to how we earth humans actually think. Like he's having to actually sit there and think: What is it that men like about women? Um. Um. Um. Their... boobs? No, too overt. What else is different about women? Skin! Yes! That must be what men like about women. None of it like he really organically experienced being a straight teenaged boy.

I also say this at least in part because my standards for a good partner back when I dated men were about 50% drawn from stupid ideas about relationships that my religious mother kept trying to impart to me, and the other 50% from complete denial about the fact that I didn't really find them attractive and therefore kept self-sabotaging with weird and contradictory ideas about what was going to make me happy. Buuuuut, also, I'm overly idealist and the other option is that he's a total creep. So.
posted by Sequence at 9:09 PM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

It's all very nice to be outraged and all and everyone's jumping on the bandwagon of the pissed off because it's so obviously low-hanging fruit. But it's a bit like pointing at a pile of dogshit on a plate and saying, "That's on a plate."

More horrible and worrying are the fact that there's a lot of people who share those views, the unchallenged assumptions of rape culture that permeates the national media, or even people with nationwide platforms to propagate their bullshit.
posted by WalterMitty at 9:26 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

So, I filled out both quizzes honestly, and got the expected result...But I noticed that no one seemed to be getting any other responses here, so I changed the "girl" one so that every answer about how much I talked was "I never say anything at any time ever." The result? I was STILL dateless because I talk too much.

It's not like someone who so carefully proofreads his homepage could have a web quiz that had coding errors so it didn't even follow his own pin-headed logic.
posted by straight at 9:27 PM on November 13, 2013

Sounds like Sheik Hilali:

"If you take uncovered meat and put it on the street, on the pavement, in a garden, in a park or in the backyard, without a cover and the cats eat it, is it the fault of the cat or the uncovered meat? The uncovered meat is the problem."

posted by unliteral at 9:45 PM on November 13, 2013

Or maybe he just thinks women talk too much, period, and arranged his quiz to show that.
posted by happyroach at 9:46 PM on November 13, 2013

Oh man, just got around to taking the quiz. I'm not sure y'all can handle the DANGER ZONE, ladies.
posted by juv3nal at 9:54 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

> what Jesus called, "Life to the fullest."

Uh, can I get a cite on this?
posted by gingerbeer at 10:08 PM on November 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

I am a Richardson high school student and would like to inform all of the readers of the article that we were not informed that the presentation was optional until AFTER it was over. Whilst, many students, took it upon themselves to stand up and walkout, not to mention that two female students were punished for expressing their emotions. It was truly a waste of time, money, and it offened multiple students.

These people are losing their kids with this stupidity; it's sad.

I feel a little sorry for Lookadoo, too. He's clearly aging out of his own act, and his manic desperation shows that he is all too aware of it.
posted by jamjam at 10:10 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

OMG. According to his calendar, he's giving these talks to kids as young as middle school, who will not have the option of just walking out. Oh...hell no. We have to figure out some way to publicize that this guy is perving out all over schools in America and giving this misogynistic, rapey, women are evil, speech to kids as young as 9 and 10.
posted by dejah420 at 10:11 PM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]

His schedule says that he was also at Richardson High School on March 25th, 2009. Which is more recent than "eight years ago".
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:13 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

So, I filled out both quizzes honestly, and got the expected result...But I noticed that no one seemed to be getting any other responses here, so I changed the "girl" one so that every answer about how much I talked was "I never say anything at any time ever." The result? I was STILL dateless because I talk too much.

Well you answered the questions, didn't you?

YOU TALK TOO MUCH!

QED
posted by mazola at 10:21 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

And schools coming up:

November 19th, 2013: George West, TX - George West ISD
December 11th, 2013: Canadian, TX - Canadian ISD, Canadian Middle School
February 3rd through 6th, 2014: Saginaw, TX - Eagle Mountain ISD, Various Schools
February 7th, 2014: Tonawanda, NY - Tonawanda Middle School and High School
February 18th, 2014: Scottsboro, AL - Various Schools (TBD)
March 5th, 2014: Lufkin, TX - Lufkin High School, Student Council Conference
June 23rd, 2014: Richmond, KY - Eastern Kentucky University (Kentucky Center for Schools Safety), HS Youth Leadership event

posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:28 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

So his job is basically hustling school administrators to fly him out to speak to their kids? Who pays for this? Who does he sell himself to?

I'm starting to wonder if there isn't a whole cottage industry based around this kind of thing. He may not even be the worst example.
posted by heathkit at 10:38 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

February 7th, 2014: Tonawanda, NY - Tonawanda Middle School and High School

I think I just turned into a NIMBY. It feels wrong.

But hey guys, and I laughed at the jokes too, there are so many better reasons to mock this guy then using his looks. If this was someone we liked, the above jokes wouldn't be cool.
posted by pickinganameismuchharderthanihadanticipated at 10:41 PM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

"I'm starting to wonder if there isn't a whole cottage industry based around this kind of thing. He may not even be the worst example."

There is, but it's been around a long time. I imagine that it's bigger than it used to be. When I was in high school in a small town in eastern New Mexico (read: "actually Texas") in 1981, we had a mandatory assembly to watch a Christian rock band perform.

So I think there's been a nucleus of this Christian-guest-speakers-in-schools in the US's bible belt for a very, very long time. But with the rise of evangelism at the cost of traditional protestant churches, in combination with an evangelical youth focus, I feel certain that this sort of thing has spread outside of the bible belt to much of the rest of the country, though the core is still in the south and midwest.

The other cultural movement is the rise of self-help/motivational speakers in general and specifically within the Christian community.

So there really is a huge industry of this, it's not really "cottage". The part that's Christian speakers in schools is probably relatively small, but as you can see from his schedule, the larger part of his appearances are at Christian events.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:47 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

FLAMES. Flames on the sides of my face.
posted by emcat8 at 10:48 PM on November 13, 2013 [14 favorites]

Not only do I have the "rude table" parsing problem mentioned above, but now I find myself singing "A Dateable Girl let's (sic) God run the world" to the melody of "Buffalo Gal".

...AAAAND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON!
posted by gingerest at 10:50 PM on November 13, 2013 [11 favorites]

So, courtesy of the look inside option on Amazon, we can read this excerpt, written by Lookadoo, addressed to teenage girls:

Looks like Nice Pete's writing is coming along pretty well.
posted by St. Sorryass at 10:52 PM on November 13, 2013 [14 favorites]

Just ftr, I am very dateable everybody. Because I am Rulesy.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:58 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

~~Facebook page has been deactivated.~~ Still appears to be there.
posted by jokeefe at 11:21 PM on November 13, 2013

Justin Lookadoo = A Judo Loins Took.
posted by klangklangston at 11:43 PM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sterek, which the night is dark and full of, is Teen Wolf (TV Show) Fan Fiction of Styles and Derek. St for Styles, and erek for Derek. The syllable combination is inspired by Japanese naming conventions.

Sterek is also hella hot and ...yeah, thank goodness teenagers on tv are in their twenties, because I'd feel like a creep lusting after actual teenagers, but man they are hott.

If you dress like a piece of meat, then two people each dressed as bread and another person dressed as a piece of lettuce will hug you really close and then you will have to walk together.

I WANT SANDWICH HUGS.

Everyone deserves a sandwich hug from loving bread and lettuce and tomato... my sandwich needs tomato.

I am focusing on the Sterek and the sandwich hugs because they are so much nicer than rape culture. 8( Rape culture is a doody-head.
posted by Deoridhe at 11:53 PM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

Am I the only one who keeps seeing that website as Rude Table.com?

Almost. I had just looked at the elk vs. photographer thread and keep reading the website as "Rut A Table.com"

Also, I got "dateable" for the girls' quiz, which, considering others' results here, yikes. I was raised by evangelical Christians in a church that had seminars pretty much just like this and even though I have lived overseas since 1997, left the church openly in 1994 (had been dissenting well before that), and been nowhere near that sort of discourse in that time... wow, the dogwhistles are still firmly installed.

So, in the interests of those dogwhistles serving the greater, tolerant, egalitarian good, here are the answers that make you a dateable girl according to "I'M PSYCHED FOR JESUS AND MEN JESUS WAS A MAN AND SO IS GOD WOOOO MEN girl meat" dude. Questions translated to how our dogwhistle training taught us to interpret them (these are NOT my own, individual interpretations, mkay):
- "Honesty in all things!!" False. It's a trick question. Honesty is for MEN, a woman told Adam to eat the apple so we have to shut up.
- "Let's move fast hun-bun!!" False
- "I woman wuv your superior man knowledgez and findz tehm irresistebuhls" True
- "It's Thursday and you're at bible study and everyone knows Friday is the only day holy people go out so when he asks for Friday you say yes" True
- "You had a great first date last night, so you throw yourself at him" False
- "Your crush is totally clearly an upright Christian man who would never think to demean a woman by asking her out, so you ask him out" True (yep, it's another trick question, teh wimminz get to do independent-seeming things when it's in the service of a man's obvious superiority)
- "He asks what you are doing this weekend, and you admit you're not going to church, you godless whore" False
- "You are served something that makes you break out in hives, so you make like it's all about you, when dudes are godly and you are paying for Eve's sins" False
- "At the end of the date you are in the thrall of dude's obvious godliness and cannot possibly hope to integrate it in your puny sinful woman-brain" True
- "You don't respond to all of his texts because duh, only sluts think they're that interesting" True
- "You are a slut, you slutty slut" False

Result: "Congrats! You’re a wanted woman. Guys are dying to find out more about you. That’s what keeps ‘em coming back for more. Your phone’s probably ringing off the hook. You don’t tell people everything in the world about yourself. You know they can’t take it all in at once and so you only give them a little peek at a time. Keep being Dateable!"

Thank goodness it'll only take a few minutes to wash my brain of that stuff. Independence is sweet. Also reminds me of all the times I was told I was going to hell for all my guy friends, and I was like, "cool, from what you're telling me, hell will be filled with some pretty neat people."
posted by fraula at 12:57 AM on November 14, 2013 [18 favorites]

Will people local to this creeper please remember to post a follow-up to MeTa when he is charged? I want to know that the cops got him. I figure it'll be for statutory rape.

Thanks.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:22 AM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

Aside from the contents of that quiz, I love how there are there eleven questions for girls and only eight for guys.
posted by moody cow at 1:33 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

I decided to take the test as a serial killer:

Honesty means telling him everything about yourself.
False: That would ruin the big surprise!

You think the faster he knows all about you, the quicker he will like you.
False: He needs a little time and creative persuasion to accept his fate.

You like to ask him a lot of questions.
True: Like, "where do you keep the spare door key?" and "do you have good knives at home, or should I bring my own?"

It’s Thursday and he’s asking you out for Friday.
You’re free so you say, “yes.”
True: It's a full moon on Friday

You had a great first date last night, so you call him the next day.
False: I send a psychic message that only he can intercept and interpret

Your crush is totally shy, so you make the first move and ask him out.
False: Why introduce uncertainty when I can just show up at his door and get to work?

He asks you what you are doing this weekend.
You say nothing.
True: I say nothing. I stay mum. The less he knows about my weekend activities, the better.

You are served something you are allergic to so you talk about your health for the next 10 minutes.
False: I kill the chef and waiter later in the week.

At the end of the date there are still so many things you want him to know.
True: Like how murder means never having to say "I'm sorry"

You don’t respond every time he IMs you.
True: Blood on my hands makes the keyboard sticky

You are every guy’s best friend.
False: My only best friend is my neighbor's dog who sometimes speaks to me with the voice of Satan

Result: CONGRATS! You’re a wanted woman. Guys are dying to find out more about you. That’s what keeps ‘em coming back for more. Your phone’s probably ringing off the hook. You don’t tell people everything in the world about yourself. You know they can’t take it all in at once and so you only give them a little peek at a time. Keep being Dateable!

"a wanted woman" yep, sort of goes with the territory, what're you gonna do? FBI profilers gonna profile.

"Guys are dying to find out more about you." So true, so true.

"Keep being Dateable!" Yes, yay! Next up, taking the quiz as an international terrorist.
posted by taz at 2:18 AM on November 14, 2013 [61 favorites]

Leaving aside the purile horseshit of this moronic charlatan, whose philosophy deserves only ridicule, I prefer to think of this thread as providing clear examples of the thoughts and actions of various people, who (despite being located in a far-off land from myself) I feel admiration for and mental kinship with, namely:

1. "I am extremely troubled by the fact that Richardson High School would bring in an 'expert' speaker who holds the dangerous, misogynistic views that advance a rape culture such as those expressed on his website," [Dr. Jaime] Clark-Soles said; and

2. Sarah Roeschley, the associate director of senior high youth at King of Glory Lutheran Church in Dallas ... calls Lookadoo's ideas "antiquated and sexist, gender-stereotyped B.S."; and

3. ... students obviously found the rules, and reports on Twitter say the talk came across as "a rant against women." Several students are reported to have walked out of the assembly early.

Three cheers for our sisters in Richardson, TX.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 2:49 AM on November 14, 2013 [23 favorites]

> "It's Thursday and you're at bible study and everyone knows Friday is the only day holy people go out so when he asks for Friday you say yes" True

Huh, so that wasn't a question I was still getting wrong even when trying to be "no talking person". But apparently not going to church and throwing yourself at someone after the first date still counts as "talking too much", so I think I was still on the mark in principle.

fraula, I don't know if you can interpret the guy's version in a similar way, but if you can I'd be interested in seeing that.
posted by kyrademon at 4:51 AM on November 14, 2013

klangklangston: "But hey, the whole thing is pitched at making you dateable to some strip mall Guy Fierri XTREME GODLINESS tool, so whatevs."

So, that comes with the ranch hose then?
posted by Samizdata at 5:11 AM on November 14, 2013

immlass: "I am apparently dateable because I don't want to enable potential stalkers by telling them everything on the first date."

And I am apparently not dateable as I have yet to swing down from a tree, and beat a lion to death with the live python I had in my teeth, before chugging a 3 liter of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel, and then grabbing a nearby female, and jumping over 15 buses in a flaming monster truck on my way to dinner with her at Denny's on Half-Price Bacon Night.

That's why....

Right?
posted by Samizdata at 5:18 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

I kind of want to transform myself into someone that he trusts and will really listen to so that we can sit down and have a serious "You're Making Everyone Uncomfortable" talk, but it will feel like a serious waste of polyjuice potion when it turns out that this was just Nick Kroll workshopping a new character.
posted by doctornecessiter at 5:36 AM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

i know there's no stemming the tide of "texas has reasonable feminist people??" but, you know, ann richards was in texas, wendy davis is in texas, all the women who marched on the capital earlier this year are from texas, i really solidified my feminist beliefs in texas (not far from richardson, in plano). just like all of your states have tea party misogynists on the other side of the mountain or where ever, texas is full of awesome, progressive, feminist people. this sort of sexism is not a geographic issue, it's a cultural one.
posted by nadawi at 6:22 AM on November 14, 2013 [33 favorites]

on the other side of the mountain

ours like to congregate on an island near jersey and the only way they can get here is by boat so everyone wins. except jersey, i guess. sorry jerz.
posted by elizardbits at 6:42 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Here are some more things Justin Lookadoo looks like:

Like an undercover cop at an ex-gay meeting who is not fooling anyone on either account.

Like the guy who ducks out of a Nickelback show before the encore because he has work in the morning.

Like literally every youth minister who's over 30, ever.

Like Paul Giamatti would look if he were the kind of person who doesn't see anything wrong with wearing an Affliction shirt.

Like a professional wrestler whose gimmick is that he's an asshole.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:59 AM on November 14, 2013 [20 favorites]

I've been thinking about your comment, Nadawi...

Lookadoo has the the platform he has due to the overwhelming presence of traditionalists and non-feminists, not the absence of progressives in Texas or any other state. And that tends to be both cultural and geographic. If this happened in a public school in NYC or San Francisco, it'd be a non-story about a clueless quasi-religious dude who failed to read an audience.

And the quasi-religious thing bothers me. In some of his promo materials, he claims he uses Biblical principles but doesn't "hide behind scripture." But how can you speak knowledgeably about Biblical principles unless you cite scripture, which is supposed to be the word of God? It just seems lazy. (His FB essays describe the conversations he has with God, and I think he thinks this is enough.)
posted by mochapickle at 7:01 AM on November 14, 2013

but it will be happening in a public school in new york in a few weeks according to his calender. he certainly doesn't just shovel his shit below the mason/dixon.
posted by nadawi at 7:15 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

i mean, the reason this is a story is because students walked out and tweeted about it. this is a story because of the progressives, because of the feminists.
posted by nadawi at 7:19 AM on November 14, 2013 [9 favorites]

This dude reminds me of one of those Ghostbusters action figures that got all wild-take "scared" when you hit a button on their back.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:22 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

So after you successfully pass the quiz, you are given the option to Commit to the List, i.e., you sign a pledge to do the things below. I think they speak for themselves.

As a Dateable girl I will:
1. Shut up and be mysterious
2. Not lie to myself
3. Keep it covered up
4. Remember that I’m not one of the guys
5. Know that it will not last
Write your prayer below:

As a Dateable guy I will:
1. Stand up and be a real man
2. Not lie to you or for you
3. Control how far we go
4. Open doors and pull out chairs
Write your prayer below:

Also, fyi, nothing Deoridhe says about Sterek or Teen Wolf in general can be trusted because it's Stiles. Sorry, man, but if you can't get that right, then who knows what else you've gotten wrong.
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:42 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

"King of Glory Lutheran Church" - This is my next band's name.
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:43 AM on November 14, 2013

he certainly doesn't just shovel his shit below the mason/dixon.

Yeah, according to his calendar—which goes back to '05—he's played a lot of shows in places you might not expect: WA, CA, NY, NJ, ON, and fewer than you might think in the reddest of the red south. SC isn't even on the calendar. (For which, thanks! We're all filled up with the crazy; no need to import more!) He's a regular act just outside Buffalo, NY, at the annual Kingdom Bound Christian music festival at the Darien Lake theme park. I think it's true that what success this guy has owes more to playing the evangelical circuit than to merely geographical appeal.

And having looked at his website more closely, wow, dude is 100 pounds of wrongness jammed in a ten pound bag.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:54 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

@kt_byh2os - I would also like to point out that when @JustinLookadoo did interpretations of kids they were all African American sounding accents
posted by nadawi at 7:55 AM on November 14, 2013

I bet this guy's porn folder makes Two Girls One Cup look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:01 AM on November 14, 2013 [16 favorites]

In fact, THE ONLY WAY dude could be more wrong than he already is would be to join Vox Day on a tour of 8th grade Health classes.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:08 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

postmodern teens

Call me reactionary, but I still prefer post-painterly abstract teens. I feel like postmodern teens are too gimmicky.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:11 AM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

i know there's no stemming the tide of "texas has reasonable feminist people??"

Unless they were deleted, there were exactly zero comments like that preceding yours.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:20 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

We haven't deleted anything.
posted by jessamyn at 8:26 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

a quick scan brings me back to On the plus side, who knew so many people in Texas were actually sensible about things like this? That's surprisingly cheering. - positive yes, but still surprise that there are sensible feminists here. there were a couple other comments too but i'm not rereading the whole thread to find them.

i'm just saying, yes, there are lots of reasonable feminists in texas, you might have seen them swarming the texas capitol recently - yet still, people are shocked they're there.
posted by nadawi at 8:29 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

Oh man, he wiped his FB comments again and has deleted all posts by others. I am curious to see how this experience will change him. There's a Note from quite a while back about how if you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that yelps is the one you hit.

Throwing rocks at dogs(!) aside, I wonder if he still thinks we're all just yelping. That we're objecting to him because what he says is too, too true to for us to accept.
posted by mochapickle at 8:41 AM on November 14, 2013

Now I'm really confused. Am I raw meat, or am I a wild dog, or what? I already know I'm undateable because I talk too much. Thank god I'm married.
posted by rtha at 8:44 AM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

5. Know that it will not last

Know that WHAT will not last? Being a "dateable girl" (i.e., all women end up undateable eventually anyway)? That all the rules will go away once you find your HS Prince Charming and marry him? That the RELATIONSHIPS with anyone who finds you "dateable" won't last anyway? Not only are his rules sexist and passe, they're CONFUSING.

Finally--fun FB post from him this morning said that he had dropped his gum in the toilet and it was a new piece so he had to "go in headfirst"--accompanied by a picture of him with gum in his teeth. Yeah. Far as I'm concerned he could be spouting the wisdom of the ages and all I could think of would be the head in the toilet. He's DONE.
posted by dlugoczaj at 8:44 AM on November 14, 2013

"And I am apparently not dateable as I have yet to swing down from a tree, and beat a lion to death with the live python I had in my teeth, before chugging a 3 liter of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel, and then grabbing a nearby female, and jumping over 15 buses in a flaming monster truck on my way to dinner with her at Denny's on Half-Price Bacon Night."

You had me at "Half Price Bacon Night."
posted by romakimmy at 8:45 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Yeah, that really doesn't look like gum.
posted by mochapickle at 8:46 AM on November 14, 2013

looks like he has at least two adorable sons, maybe both adopted? that just makes me sad.
posted by nadawi at 8:54 AM on November 14, 2013

Call me reactionary, but I still prefer post-painterly abstract teens. I feel like postmodern teens are too gimmicky.

I think most teens are abstract-expressionist myself.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 AM on November 14, 2013

If my Secret Quonsar happens to read this, pretty please I really want a copy of his book "The Dirt on Sex"*

It includes valuable advice such as:
-what guys (and girls!) say about sex when the other isn't around
-how to deal when you wish you hadn't done it
-and much, much more

So guys (and girls!) look no further if you want to know what goes on in ~~postmodern teens'~~ weird middle-aged male minds about sex!

"I give this book 5 stars because it not only provides great drinking games, [Every time the author Justin Lookadoo says something sexist or writes an incorrect fact, take a shot. I promise that by page 7 you will be absolutely wasted out of your mind] but it can be used as kindling to start fires, or if you've run out of toilet paper."

* don't even think about it
posted by billiebee at 9:05 AM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

this is really making me want to go back and reread my teen dating tome - from first mate to chosen date.
posted by nadawi at 9:10 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

They think postmodernism means "everything is equally true and there is no one, singularly correct religion"

Ah, so it's this decade's "moral relativism."
posted by rtha at 9:11 AM on November 14, 2013

If this guy doesn't have a lot of suspiciously man-sized freezers in his basement I will buy a hate and eat it.
posted by The Whelk at 9:13 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

This actually cheers me up.

I ternd to get a bit of old-folks "get-off-my-lawn-ya-damn-kids" syndrome. A lot of the younger folks I know, it's like time stopped in the 50's, sometimes. "Gay" as an all-purpose insult, for example, or a girl's horror at being thought a "feminist." That they recognize this as bullshit, gripe about it, tweet about it, and better still, walk out on it, makes me feel more good than the one nutcase creep can make me feel bad.
posted by tyllwin at 9:14 AM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Wow, this is an interesting development. I wanted to show my friend rudateable, and I noticed a big change...

The information about his co-author, Hayley DiMarco, is now mysteriously GONE. There used to be a link to her web page under his, and a bio of hers on the bio page. Now it's just him, and a suspiciously empty right rail where her bio used to be.
posted by tittergrrl at 9:24 AM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

rtha, as they've been losing battles in the culture war I've seen them start using the term "cultural Marxism," which I absolutely adore.
posted by Corinth at 9:29 AM on November 14, 2013

Internet archive has the original page without her photo.
posted by jessamyn at 9:29 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Aha, and if you check her twitter account she posted a link to this blog entry where she seemingly apologizes for her previous writings and beliefs, and I guess marks a break with Justin Lookadoo.

Excerpt:

In the age of the Internet and social media, your past is inescapable. Imagine if you had written over forty books over a ten year period all on how to live life! For anyone that has read my first book compared to my last, you know how God has changed me. As a loving, caring, Heavenly Father, he is with me (and you) as we grow up saying, “your past does not define you, my love defines you.” Never be shamed by the past, or anyone. You are valuable not because of what ‘rules’ you follow or don’t follow but simply because of His love for you.

posted by tittergrrl at 9:29 AM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

jessamyn: The picture was assuredly there last night, dunno why the archive doesn't have it there.. though that snapshot is from July 2012.
posted by tittergrrl at 9:32 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

February 7th, 2014: Tonawanda, NY - Tonawanda Middle School and High School

I think I just turned into a NIMBY. It feels wrong.

Me too. I just posted on Facebook (which I almost never do) to warn all my old Buffalo peeps about this. I lived in Tonawanda for the first dozen years of my life.
posted by misskaz at 9:32 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

rudateable

I can't stop hearing this in my head as "rut-able."
posted by straight at 9:36 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

As a rule, I frown on ad hominem, and making fun of someone's name is real shitty. HOWEVER. This is the rare exception to the rule. #lookadouche
posted by disconnect at 9:38 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

> "I think most teens are abstract-expressionist myself."

Vorticist teens are pretty neat. But the COBRA teens are the ones who really shook things up.
posted by kyrademon at 9:51 AM on November 14, 2013

"Lemme break it down for you. "Postmodernism" is one of the current bugaboos in the evangelical community. If you hear a fundie say "postmodernism", they are not talking about literary criticism. They think postmodernism means "everything is equally true and there is no one, singularly correct religion", because that's what people like this dude stand up and tell them, and they don't actually do any research or reading of their own."

Which is one of those things that's pretty funny when you look at it in historical context. Prior to the angst over "postmodernism," fundies were fuming over "modernism;" in fact, they're still generally a profoundly anti-modern ideology. (Which is one of the fun connect-the-dots between fascism, Al Qaida and fundamentalist religion here — all are anti-modernist in rhetoric [though fascism's a bit more heterogenous than I'm gonna get into]).

But all of them are based on sort of an anachronistic traditional/romantic view of the world, with heavy emphasis on tradition, heroism, the importance of myth and legend, traditional gender roles, etc., and all of them reacted negatively to the materialism and tilling under of tradition that modernism (and progressivism) entails.

So while "postmodern" is a bugaboo, these folks are still working from a weird Great Awakening anachronistic point — arguably, they're more post-modern than modern.
posted by klangklangston at 9:56 AM on November 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

Metafilter: vengeance cannibalism.
posted by The Whelk at 10:16 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

See, I'm maybe being charitable, but I'm not sure he's really a creep.

Comment from a female student who was at the Texas speech:

"I can’t tell you how sick to my stomach his bullshit made me. He had students set up his props onstage and overheard my plans to cut off all of my hair for cancer patients, and told me I would look 'ugly' and 'less like a woman'. He told a friend who was sexually assaulted that she was damaged goods. He mocked a black girl as she was trying to speak by performing a minstrel show-esque caricature of a stereotypical black woman onstage."

He deserves no charity. None at all.
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:21 AM on November 14, 2013 [48 favorites]

It's funny the term "postmodern" is their current thing. When I was a kid, the fundies were all about "secular humanism" and how this philosophy was going to bring in communism, the Antichrist, and was the chief cause of women wearing pants.
posted by honestcoyote at 10:34 AM on November 14, 2013

This is a hell of a day to misplace my torch and pitchfork.
posted by humanfont at 10:36 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

The Atlantic just picked it up.
posted by arcticseal at 10:37 AM on November 14, 2013

You take some rudateables, a butternut squash and some potatoes and you can make a nice soup.
posted by RobotHero at 10:38 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Hayley DiMarco was definitely on that page last night. Someone engaging in a little distancing from the controversy.
posted by arcticseal at 10:39 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

The Atlantic just picked it up.

Holy shit that guy's eyes
posted by crayz at 10:45 AM on November 14, 2013

To be fair that hair is a conscious, time-and-effort-invovled choice totally under one;s control.
posted by The Whelk at 10:51 AM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

Looking at this guy, I'm starting to realize he's an alternate version of Mike Jeffries, Creepy Abercrombie CEO, who just went in another direction. I would love to watch a debate between the two on how preteen girls should properly behave, but I think all the bleach blonde tips in such close proximity would blind anyone nearby and render the space a chemical hazard.
posted by aintthattheway at 10:53 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

School's statement:

The high school said Lookadoo was carefully vetted, and had visited the school for an assembly several years ago. The district said Lookadoo was told in the morning not to discuss religion or mention rules outlined on his website, and he complied.

So they knew the rules were rotten.
posted by rada at 10:53 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh man ...Jeffries. You'd think someone with that amount of money would have access to the very best plastic surgeons the world has to ofter, but I guess they're doctors, not wizards and I can;t imagine they'll tell him "No I can't somehow turn you into a Bruce Weber photoshoot about rugby."
posted by The Whelk at 10:57 AM on November 14, 2013

It's funny how so many on the religious right are all "woo free markets yay" until it comes to the free market of ideas. Then it's all a lefty conspiracy when their bullshit falls on deaf ears.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:58 AM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Holy shit that guy's eyes

If he and Michele Bachmann ever stared each other in the face it'd be like crossing the streams.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:03 AM on November 14, 2013 [16 favorites]

Sorry, but his poisonous vomit doesn't rise to the level of truthiness. What he is spouting is spewthiness.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:09 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

and all of them reacted negatively to the materialism and tilling under of tradition that modernism (and progressivism) entails.

Well, only materialism in the "this world is all there is" sense. Materialism in the "God wants you to have lots of expensive stuff!"sense is A-OK.

And most religious conservatives in the US would assume that you meant "into a crypto-socialist hippie organic lifestyle" if you said you were anti-materialist, because that definition has taken over the discourse. Asceticism is for the poor/unloved of God, not His chosen.
posted by emjaybee at 11:19 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

that hair is a conscious, time-and-effort-invovled choice totally under one's control.

I know who he reminds me of! He looks like Rüdiger Vogler if Vogler flipped out and glued pieces of yellow straw to his head.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:22 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Well, only materialism in the "this world is all there is" sense. Materialism in the "God wants you to have lots of expensive stuff!"sense is A-OK."

Yeah, entirely. Materialism in rejecting supernaturalism/metaphysics. Not materialism in consumerism, though they're supposed to reject that one too, what with it being one of the big sins and all.
posted by klangklangston at 11:23 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Asceticism is for the poor/unloved of God, not His chosen."

Yeah, it's a shame that it's the worst parts of Calvinism that found purchase.
posted by klangklangston at 11:25 AM on November 14, 2013

I get that his world view does not include same sex couples. But even so I'm having fun imagining his response if a student had straightfacedly asked how the rules apply to same sex couples. The rules can't be literally applied, because if the guy is deciding how far you go, and there are no guys, then what? All the sex forever?
posted by slmorri at 11:27 AM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

JESUS CHRIST, PEOPLE, HIS PHOTO GALLERY IS CALLED PEEK-A-DOO
posted by scody at 11:32 AM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

Well, the rules don't make sense for a human, much less an identified gender.

Let (the other person) lead vs. want an adventure
Be mysterious vs. be honest with (the other person)
Be wild vs. need (the other person)

The instructions are counter. I suppose I could just date a woman and we could sit around being beautiful and mysterious, slowly starving because neither of us dares to open a ketchup bottle.
posted by mochapickle at 11:34 AM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

I honestly can't decide which is worse, the stuff that makes him sound like a serial killer or the stuff that makes him sound like a child molester.
posted by The Whelk at 11:35 AM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

the stuff that makes him sound like a serial killer or the stuff that makes him sound like a child molester

Two great tastes that taste great together!
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:37 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

It might be a good idea to leave that basement door closed!
posted by The Whelk at 11:37 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Two great tastes that taste great together!

With ketchup! THAT A MAN HAS OPENED
posted by scody at 11:42 AM on November 14, 2013 [12 favorites]

MOST KETCHUP BOTTLES ARE PLASTIC SQUEEZE THINGS WITH NO LIDS TO OPEN NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES SENSE
posted by The Whelk at 11:45 AM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

I honestly can't decide which is worse, the stuff that makes him sound like a serial killer or the stuff that makes him sound like a child molester.

Meathooks.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:45 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Meathooks.

Jesus.
posted by mochapickle at 11:46 AM on November 14, 2013

A comment on Amazon about his book made the point that the cover looks like there's a twelve year-old girl holding some thirty year-old guy's hand, and...yeah. Ick ick ick.
posted by misha at 11:47 AM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

Cover photo.
posted by misha at 11:50 AM on November 14, 2013

What was that line from Archer?

This man is living Probable Cause
posted by The Whelk at 11:50 AM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

the cover looks like there's a twelve year-old girl holding some thirty year-old guy's hand

Yeah, especially the way that the girl's hand is only holding the last two fingers of the man's hand, like toddlers and little kids do. Ugh gross no go away.
posted by elizardbits at 11:51 AM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

While you're over on Amazon, check out the LOOK INSIDE for The Dirt on Sex.

Maximum Squick.
posted by mochapickle at 11:52 AM on November 14, 2013

The Whelk: "MOST KETCHUP BOTTLES ARE PLASTIC SQUEEZE THINGS WITH NO LIDS TO OPEN NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES SENSE"

Plastic ketchup bottles with flip-up lids are due to feminism.
posted by Corinth at 11:54 AM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]

actually, the ketchup i have at home is this fancy artisinal small-batch stuff that comes in glass jars and has a twist off lid and ...
posted by yeoz at 11:57 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

the cover looks like there's a twelve year-old girl holding some thirty year-old guy's hand

11. Be tiny. Boys love tiny! Tiny, tiny, hot little bodies. Mmm.
posted by aintthattheway at 11:57 AM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Put more plainly, plastic ketchup bottles with flip-up lids are tiny feminist trojan horses obviating the need for men.
posted by Corinth at 11:58 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

No one has mentioned this guy yet?
posted by Twain Device at 12:00 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yes, ketchup should only be stored in glass bottles, or jars if it is home-made. And if it is home-made, it should be made by a woman, and stored with the other preserves in the basement, next to the special locked freezer that SHE IS NEVER ALLOWED TO LOOK IN!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:01 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

From the Atlantic article: "The school district later apologized for not informing parents or students about Lookadoo’s appearance or agenda, but hundreds of members of the community have already voiced their outrage."

That is egregious, those poor unsuspecting parents and students deserved ample warning about that hair.
posted by doctornecessiter at 12:02 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

actually, the ketchup i have at home is this fancy artisinal small-batch stuff that comes in glass jars and has a twist off lid and ...

Not sure if that's feminism or the Homosexual Agenda. Don't they sometimes collaborate?
posted by straight at 12:04 PM on November 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

next to the special freezer that SHE IS NEVER ALLOWED TO LOOK IN!

But a weak and feeble woman might ruin the precious Special Ketchup, the one that takes all night to make, the one we slave for in the three am of our soul, our sin, our pride, our ....condiment.
posted by The Whelk at 12:04 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

Put more plainly, plastic ketchup bottles with flip-up lids are tiny feminist trojan horses obviating the need for men.

Jam jars will be the next to fall.
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:15 PM on November 14, 2013

The feminist industrial complex has already made Smucker's Squeeze, jam in a plastic squeeze bottle.
posted by Corinth at 12:18 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Not sure if that's feminism or the Homosexual Agenda. Don't they sometimes collaborate?

We've got a weekly brunch and all. Join us any time!
posted by rtha at 12:20 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Please, tell me there isn't a theory that feminism is responsible for squeeze bottles.
posted by Annika Cicada at 12:26 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

From his Q and A page:

Q.

Is the Dateable program covered under federal grants?

A.

Yes.

Both the Dateable program and the book Dateable are covered under all the same programs, including Safe and Drug Free Schools, Title I, Title IV, Campus Improvement, Character Education, and more.

Is there a way to change that?
posted by Bort at 12:31 PM on November 14, 2013 [15 favorites]

Please, tell me there isn't a theory that feminism is responsible for squeeze bottles.

It's a sinister plot to make mens weak and limp wrristed. Once they develop effective spider killing technology the matriarchy will move in to attack.
posted by The Whelk at 12:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

JESUS CHRIST, PEOPLE, HIS PHOTO GALLERY IS CALLED PEEK-A-DOO

I can't decide if leather pants-wearing Justin or dressing-like-a-twelve-year-old Justin is my favorite.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:34 PM on November 14, 2013

I finally pinged on why this was extra Speical creeping me out.

The advice is stated to be for High School aged kids, but the vocabulary and tone and content are all very obviously geared toward a much younger audience, think 10 and 11, not 16 or 17.

Say it with me now! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
posted by The Whelk at 12:38 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

*clears throat* Excuse me... Hey, Feminism: Please do something about squeeze bottle relish. Currently, one squeeze pretty much empties out the whole bottle. This is not acceptable. While you're at it, maybe fix the bit where the first three squeezes of mustard provides nothing but water, no matter how many times I shake the bottle first. Thanks!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:39 PM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]

And by "favorite," I mean "fills me with gibbering horror the most."
posted by octobersurprise at 12:39 PM on November 14, 2013

Squeeze bottles give us frail helpless women access to condiments, without the necessary intervention of the strong men. Therefore, clearly satanic.
posted by gingerbeer at 12:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Squeeze bottles undermine the traditional family!

Squeeze bottles for everyone!
posted by rtha at 12:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

FROM NIW IN ALL THINGS MUST BE PLACED IN SQUEEZE TUBE FORMAT

ALL. THINGS.
posted by The Whelk at 12:43 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Uh... you can stop squeezing now, Whelk.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:45 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Whelk, Sweden has that covered for you. And I really do mean covered.
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:47 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Ugh, I can't get all the remaining whelks out of the bottom of the whelk jar!"

*jangles knife against inside of jar uselessly*

"There's got to be a better way!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:48 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

He told a friend who was sexually assaulted that she was damaged goods.

i hate that this bs is still getting said. i was told the same thing from many a mormon priesthood holder - about how it would take an extra special man to make me a wife since i had already been defiled in the eyes of the lord, blah blah blah.

i pretty much responded by leaving the church and defiling my body on my own terms.
posted by nadawi at 12:54 PM on November 14, 2013 [30 favorites]

effective spider killing technology

I'm really on a tangent with this, but this makes me imagine a cross between a Roomba and a BattleBot with a cartoon glove holding a shoe, and it wanders around the house smacking things.

Know that WHAT will not last? Being a "dateable girl" (i.e., all women end up undateable eventually anyway)? That all the rules will go away once you find your HS Prince Charming and marry him? That the RELATIONSHIPS with anyone who finds you "dateable" won't last anyway?

I think this is meant to mean, "The relationship won't last, so don't have sex, because non-virgins are damaged goods."

I can sort of get behind telling teenagers to tone down their assumption that of course they are so deeply in love and they will be together forever. But I can't get behind anyone who would ever say "damaged goods" sincerely. (And that he applied it to someone who was sexually assaulted makes me want to punch his stupid face.)
posted by RobotHero at 1:09 PM on November 14, 2013

i was told the same thing from many a mormon priesthood holder - about how it would take an extra special man to make me a wife since i had already been defiled in the eyes of the lord, blah blah blah.

Incidentally, I love that Elizabeth Smart is really pushing back against this, not just within the Mormon church but more broadly.
posted by scody at 1:14 PM on November 14, 2013 [24 favorites]

I'm really on a tangent with this, but this makes me imagine a cross between a Roomba and a BattleBot with a cartoon glove holding a shoe, and it wanders around the house smacking things.

Almost there!
posted by emjaybee at 1:19 PM on November 14, 2013

From Americans United staffer Sarah Jones: A Dateable Debacle: Texas School Presentation Raises Serious Constitutional Questions
posted by audi alteram partem at 1:28 PM on November 14, 2013

Lookadoo: (-ing)verb, noun look-ah-dew

1. (n) An asshatty person so ignorant and out of touch they do not realize it.
2. (v) To take an asshatty or ignorant position in a discussion or debate.
3. (v) To refuse to acknowledge participating in asshattery when such actions are pointed out.

Usage:

1. "What a lookadoo!"
2. "Tea Party Republicans continue to lookadoo on the Obamacare debate"
3. "Hey, ten people have shown you ten ways you're lookadooing right now, so wake up and smell the coffee, lookadoo.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

i love the speaking out that elizabeth smart is doing. it's disheartening but not surprising to me that a church lesson (the gum/cupcake/present analogy) was taught in a utah school. it was one of the lessons that absolutely fucked me up for some years. that along with (future prophet) spencer w. kimball's book 'the miracle of forgiveness'*, and other such messaging were things i returned to again and again as i was struggling through the abuse. i absolutely think they kept me from telling for quite some time.

*“Also far-reaching is the effect of loss of chastity. Once given or taken or stolen it can never be regained. Even in forced contact such as rape or incest, the injured one is greatly outraged. If she has not cooperated and contributed to the foul deed, she is of course in a more favorable position. There is no condemnation where there is no Voluntary participation. It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.”
posted by nadawi at 1:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

To be fair that hair is a conscious, time-and-effort-invovled choice totally under one;s control.

Just picture this guy staring into a mirror all dead-eyed laboriously forming his EXTREME TO THE MAX! youth-relatable hair spikes

Haunting visions of unattainable swaths of desirable subcutaneous girl fat swim before his madman's eyes, but he must remain fixed at the task at hand

Each spike an act of submission before God, for this is what He has called him to do

Spike, spike, spike...

But is this living life to its fullest?

Is this the daily routine of a wild, savage, conquering man?

For a fleeting moment his hand trembles; the spike is ruined and must be molded anew

Spike, spike, spike...

In a moment of self-indulgence he imagines the spikes to be meathook tips, and for the first time that morning, he smiles.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:43 PM on November 14, 2013 [24 favorites]

He is the living embodiment of Babyface from Toy Story 2.
posted by peep at 1:53 PM on November 14, 2013

There's so many layers of mind-boggling terribleness to all of this. The book excerpt kept making me think of the creepy, creepy, insane, creepy PMs female friends of mine sometimes get on OK Cupid and the like.

Just, like. HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW WHAT YOU'RE WRITING WILL SEEM TO ITS AUDIENCE S:EIJFEOJFISE:OF#R*(#$*(@UJF:SWJ. Made even worse given that the book is targeted at teenage girls.
posted by sparkletone at 1:53 PM on November 14, 2013

check out the LOOK INSIDE for The Dirt on Sex.

You can find a few more excerpts on Google books. I was curious about the "born to be gay" chapter. Justin sez:

"It's a gay lie [that people who aren't attracted to the opposite sex might be gay]. People who are not attracted to the opposite sex get put in the "must be queer" pressure cooker, where they are seasoned and basted in gay rhetoric until they finally emerge as a flaming piece of converted meat."

Mm. Flaming! And a few pages later, in a chapter titled "Gurl2Gurl," he writes

"Listen, I would much rather hang out with the fellas than I would a bunch of girls. Especially with guys into basketball. We have so much more in common. We connect even more when we play ball together. That doesn't mean I'm going to switch teams 'cause I'm gay. Even when I slap a dude on the butt for making a good play, I am not acting out some suppressed desire that wants out. I mean, what else am I supposed to do, slap him upside the head?"

Basically, he thinks everyone talks themselves into being gay.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:58 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

Oh I guess that was just Toy Story, not #2. Anyway.
posted by peep at 1:59 PM on November 14, 2013

Made even worse given that the book is targeted at teenage girls.

Teenage girls and their "hot little bodies" with "soft velvety skin" that he likes to feel rubbing up against his "rough hairy body" I CAN'T EVEN, WHY HAVEN'T BENSON AND STABLER DRAGGED HIM AWAY ALREADY
posted by elizardbits at 1:59 PM on November 14, 2013 [19 favorites]

other GAY LIES:

You can still pull off those shorts, right?

Gingham shirts are still in fashion.

That fuaxhawk looks really good on you

Vodka has no calories

Restoration hardware is the best place

Nico is worth taking serious as a recording artist

Your on-again-off again boyfriend is totally not a speed freak using you to save rent

Johannesburg is totally a legit vacation destination
posted by The Whelk at 2:02 PM on November 14, 2013 [26 favorites]

Stabler doesn't work here anymore.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:02 PM on November 14, 2013

Those single-toe-loop flip flops you bought for $1200 were a steal!
posted by elizardbits at 2:03 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

converted ...meat...

I would not ...eat anything ..this man ...prepared.
posted by The Whelk at 2:03 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ok, well I guess we're back to being meat again.
posted by gingerbeer at 2:09 PM on November 14, 2013

Nico is worth taking serious as a recording artist

Are we talking about Nico Paffgen or Nico, the guy at bar who wants to sell me his best shit? I want to know if this is a lie or not.

Also, this red wine? That's how the French stay so slim.
posted by octobersurprise at 2:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

WHY HAVEN'T BENSON AND STABLER DRAGGED HIM AWAY ALREADY

The two old cranks from the balcony on The Muppet Show?
posted by heyho at 2:36 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

THAT'S WALDORF AND STATLER

Benson and Stabler are the creepy, hot detectives from Law and Order: SVU.
posted by sweetkid at 2:39 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

they are not creepy hdu
posted by elizardbits at 2:53 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

Benson: I don't see any wounds on him. What do you think killed him?

Stabler: At this show? It definitely wasn't laughter!

DOHHHHHHOHOHOHOHO
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 2:55 PM on November 14, 2013 [29 favorites]

they are not creepy hdu

Looks like someone hasn't seen Oz.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:57 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

UnStabler is now busy leading the Metropolis National Guard against General Zod's badtouchy Kryptonians in Man of Steel.

In the movie sequel in my head Stabler and sexily competent Kryptonian Lieutenant Faora are fighting their way through the Phantom Zone and having snarky buddycop hatesex, and it is the best movie sequel ever.

In other news, I'm pretty sure that Superman hanging out with his mom and Lois Lane and having emotions all the time and wearing tight tight space spandex means he's not a REAL guy.
posted by nicebookrack at 2:59 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sexily competent? Competence is sexy now?
posted by Grangousier at 3:01 PM on November 14, 2013

Only if you shut up about it.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 3:03 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Competence is the SEXIEST well duh
posted by nicebookrack at 3:03 PM on November 14, 2013

Sexily competent? Competence is sexy now?

Competence is always sexy.
posted by winna at 3:03 PM on November 14, 2013

jinx, nicebookrack!
posted by winna at 3:04 PM on November 14, 2013

Well, that explains a lot about both my desultory romantic history and my misshapen shelving.
posted by Grangousier at 3:20 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Y'all it is all your fault that I'm stuck at work with Man of Steel playing on loop in the TV department and all I can imagine is Lookadouche's sexist WTFery making sense because it's from a literal "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" universe in which men must be careful because they will explode soft delicate ladies by having sex with them.

That is the only situation in which it's not creepy and that makes it even creepier.
posted by nicebookrack at 3:22 PM on November 14, 2013

"But emotions are so feminine and so not male that I love it. It's uncharted territory. It's a maze. It's a challenge. It's what makes you a girl and not a guy."

I KNOW NAOW WHY YOU CRY

*jumps into molten steel*
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:25 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sexily competent? Competence is sexy now?

Chapter XXIX

In Which My Sexual Incompetence Is A Sign Of Its Opposite
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:26 PM on November 14, 2013

Oh, foo... The amazon page doesn't have the excerpt I was thinking of.

But Google does. Check out page 38 in lime green. The pull quote: "If you start giving oral sex to a guy, all you are to him is a hole."

And then skim to the Top Ten list on page 41.
posted by mochapickle at 3:30 PM on November 14, 2013

OH GOD IT JUST GETS WORSE
posted by The Whelk at 3:32 PM on November 14, 2013

The Whelk, there's a definite thing in conservative evangelical circles that goes part-and-parcel with the whole "don't you dare teach my kids about birth control" kind of thing that has been pushing more and more towards this idea of wanting adolescents to be entirely innocent of even knowing about a lot of things until they're of an age to be married. In the more extreme homeschooling parts, there are, like, couples who're still having trouble actually consummating their marriages because they're so clueless once they get there. Our idea of what sounds appropriate for 11 is probably pretty close to what they think 16-17 year olds should be comfortable with, and if they're any more mature than that it's because the awful evil world has corrupted them.

I used to work with some people in what was trying to be a teen ministry. It was for a very liberal church, but the people who'd volunteered to run it just happened to be our wingnuts who were pretty openly trying to get the new generation to follow them and not the shockingly progressive over-60 crowd. The kids would come and play basketball for awhile and then there'd be a message and then pizza. The message was always, like, insultingly oversimplified for high school kids who'd ever watched television, much less our actual crowd which included some teen parents, a couple recovering drug addicts, kids who knew full well how shitty the world could get. Two years and I couldn't get anyone else to see this.

Honestly, admitting that sex actually exists instead of only talking about it in lengthy metaphors about scotch tape probably means he's doing better at it than most.
posted by Sequence at 3:34 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

"If you start giving oral sex to a guy, all you are to him is a hole."

A hole lotta fun, amirite?!

(Don't listen to me, I'm undateable.)
posted by billiebee at 3:39 PM on November 14, 2013 [17 favorites]

The use of "sitch" in the extract mochapickle points out is totes believable.

Also, apparently ladyfolk don't have sex because it feels good or they are curious (etc.) but only to please/trap a dude.

I wonder what the book says about guys performing oral sex on gals? LOLJK that is not a real thing, amirite?
posted by dhens at 3:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Don't listen to me, I'm undateable.

Right there with you. High five!

o/*\o
posted by jessamyn at 3:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [12 favorites]

From The Dirt on Sex:

"The effectiveness rate [of condoms] for HIV is 80%. Did you catch that? Turn it around. 20% of the time condoms are not effective in stopping HIV. That means 20 out of every 100 people who were counting on condoms to protect them will die of AIDS."

Dude. No. That isn't what that means AT ALL.
posted by MaritaCov at 3:42 PM on November 14, 2013 [24 favorites]

I justed wanted to express my appreciation for that high-five emoji.
posted by dhens at 3:42 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

That means 20 out of every 100 people who were counting on condoms to protect them will die of AIDS.

HAHA MATH IS HARD, AMIRITE?
posted by scody at 3:47 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

I think there is (at least one) even deeper story here.

This guy was getting 10s to 100s of thousands of dollars from Texas public schools (federal and state funds) at a time when his mother, Mary Lookadoo, was Mineola School Superintendent.

I wonder if he mentions that in his talks.
posted by Bort at 3:54 PM on November 14, 2013 [25 favorites]

I CAN'T STOP HATEREADING ABOUT THIS GUY AAAAHHHHHH

send help
posted by Space Kitty at 3:55 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

"If you are dressed like a flesh buffet, don’t be surprised when he treats you like a piece of meat."

"If you dress like a piece of meat, you're gonna get thrown on the BBQ."

"... a doodle-like drawing ... of a building called 'Tom's Meat Market,' which has women's bodies hanging from meat hooks in the window."

"... where they are seasoned and basted in gay rhetoric until they finally emerge as a flaming piece of converted meat."

... I know I am not the only one who has noticed this, but what the hell IS this guy's thing about meat?
posted by kyrademon at 4:04 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

As this gets creepier and weirder and wronger, my respect and esteem for my Southern Baptist stepmom grows. She taught sex ed (actually, I think it was a constellation of classes called Family and Life Skills or something, and included budgeting, basic cooking, how to find a job, etc.) in the Louisville public schools. I was visiting her and my dad one summer and an ad for tampons came on the TV. I asked my dad what they were; he rustled his newspaper nervously and mumbled "Something for women." That night, when she came to tuck me in, my stepmom also brought a book - I wish I could remember now what it was - about puberty and told me that I was welcome to read as much or as little of it as I liked, and she was glad to answer any questions I had, any time. Thanks, Sharon.
posted by rtha at 4:12 PM on November 14, 2013 [20 favorites]

I happen to know, personally, two couples who met and became involved during their mid-teen years (16 - 17) who not only later married but who are still married, happily enough, and raising families some 35 40 [oh dear lord] years later. I'm related to one of the couples; the other I've known since high school. Of course they are all godless liberals and one is Jewish, so there you go. Just a data point for this prancing, preening, insufferable prick who likes to insult and degrade and patronize young people in the name of "education".
posted by jokeefe at 4:19 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

OH MY GOD.

From the Sex Dirt Book, in a section called (yikes) "Ask Grandpa":

"You know how I told you a woman's mind and emotions are unpredictable? Well, that's nothing compared to how her body can be."

ARRGH FUCK YOU.
posted by jokeefe at 4:28 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

WHAT'S THIS UNDERNEATH MY SKIRT

MY GOODNESS IT'S A .50CAL

WHO EVER COULD HAVE PREDICTED
posted by elizardbits at 4:32 PM on November 14, 2013 [36 favorites]

betwixt my thighs lurks a panzer division
posted by elizardbits at 4:35 PM on November 14, 2013 [27 favorites]

From The Dirt on Sex, saying that youths (girls only? it's unclear) should try to convince their friends to opt out of oral sex:

Operation Secret Freedom. It's time to go underground and take back your friends. ... You will have to go viral and infiltrate the DL [sic], because if you just bust up on some party, announce your revolt, and call for people to follow you, you will totally get Talibanned, and no one will be helped. Bust through the front door, and you're a mega-decibel weirdo. Sneak in the back, and you are the silent warrior of freedom.

Let's break this down:
• you will totally get Talibanned: Projection, anyone?
• you're a mega-decibel weirdo: No comment
• Sneak in the back: I thought he was against "technical virginity."
• you are the silent warrior of freedom: Silent, but deadly (effective)
posted by dhens at 4:41 PM on November 14, 2013

The wonderful "hole" quote isn't in the Google books excerpt available to me. But I did get page 56 where he says, "I have not found one person who had pure motives for being gay."

And then as an example: "A girl I spoke with at the end of the school year said she was gay. When we got down to it, her dad was verbally and sometimes physically abusive."

Though this guy didn't pop into existence from a void. Enough people believe all these same things for him to make money instead of just being some timecube guy that nobody listens to.
posted by RobotHero at 4:42 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

betwixt my thighs lurks a panzer division

"Vagina dentata, motherfucker: do you fear it?"
posted by scody at 4:43 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Lookadupe ran his fingers through his starchy hair and gazed in wild-eyed wonder at the glory before him. If only he could predict what the young woman's body would do when he asked it to put on the raw meat costume. Would it run away, like all the others had? Impossible to tell with these creatures.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:44 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

A girl I poke with!

HEEEEEE.
posted by mochapickle at 4:44 PM on November 14, 2013

A girl I poke with!

As fun as that was, I've used the edit.
posted by RobotHero at 4:48 PM on November 14, 2013

Ah, now my comment just looks dirty.

He hasn't updated FB. I wish he would update FB.
posted by mochapickle at 4:52 PM on November 14, 2013

WOW I was so distracted by his epic pedo serial killin vibe that I missed this the first time around: "When you get upset when I say you're beautiful and say, "No, I'm not," you are calling me stupid. It doesn't matter what you think about you; let me think what I want to think."

Ladies, it does not matter what we think about our own bodies! It only matters what men think of them! We must allow them to think whatever they want and never have our own opinions, because a woman having her own opinions is exactly the same thing as a woman telling a man he is stupid!

brb setting fires
posted by elizardbits at 4:55 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

RobotHero: "But I did get page 56 where he says, "I have not found one person who had pure motives for being gay." "

Well, we already know that his "motives" for being straight are creepy. Cripes, these words don't even make sense in that order - he's not *even* wrong!
posted by notsnot at 4:55 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

"When you get upset when I say you're beautiful and say, "No, I'm not,"
Hmm, this seems like it could be leading to a fruitful discussion of how people are often harsher on themselves than others are...

you are calling me stupid.
wat

It doesn't matter what you think about you; let me think what I want to think."
dafuq
posted by dhens at 4:58 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

When you set me on fire you are calling me evil. It doesn't matter if you think I'm evil, stop setting me on fire and let me get back to collecting souls from the talking meat.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:02 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

I have to stop reading this.

In Dateable Rules, he says "Girls like to be complimented on themselves [...] But guys are a little different. They prefer to be complimented on what they have done [...] Compliment what he did, not him."

I don't get it. I have shiny hair and an oddly alluring bottom lip, but I'm female, so please oh please refrain from telling me you liked a story I wrote, or admire the adventures I've had, or applaud the movie I picked. I'd hate for you to note that I have a brain.
posted by mochapickle at 5:03 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

I can't believe it, but somehow this thing just gets more and more ICKY. He couldn't have invented a better persona to enrage every human being with above room temp IQ. How did he elude the Flaming Eye of The Internet for this long?
posted by Queen of Robots at 5:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up yet (maybe it has). The perfect encapsulation of his ideal woman:

Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!

Also St. Sorryass's comparison of him to Nice Pete is pretty spot-on.
posted by dhens at 5:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Is it a pretty brain? Would you let him see it? Could he have a taste?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I USED TO HAVE A PRETTY MIND
posted by The Whelk at 5:10 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

I guess what I'm saying is, when the zombie apocalypse comes, this guy is totally The Governor.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:11 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

please refrain from telling me you liked a story I wrote, or admire the adventures I've had, or applaud the movie I picked.

WHAT

GIRL WRITE STORY
GIRL HAVE ADVENTURE
GIRL PICK MOVIE

DOES NOT COMPUTE
posted by scody at 5:12 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

WHAT'S THIS UNDERNEATH MY SKIRT

MY GOODNESS IT'S A .50CAL

elizarbis u r so mysteriuz, are you free on fri
posted by en forme de poire at 5:13 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

Women's bodies are unpredictable! Like the creature in The Thing, always changing,growing, grasping, learning, sprouting new tentacles and forms to better consume and destroy everything in its path. We must all fear Women's Bodies.
posted by The Whelk at 5:15 PM on November 14, 2013 [13 favorites]

elizarbis u r so mysteriuz, are you free on fri

What? That's not mysterious at all - she told you the caliber and everything! All that's left is "hollow point or no?" if you catch my drift.

I'm not sure I catch my drift.
posted by komara at 5:16 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

WHY WOOD GUY RED YOR STORY LISTEN TO ADVENCHER OR LET YU PIK MOOVY?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:16 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Women's bodies are unpredictable! Like the creature in The Thing, always changing,growing, grasping, learning, sprouting new tentacles and forms to better consume and destoryingly everything in its path. We must all fear Women's Bodies.

Ia, Ia, Femthulthu f'tagn!
posted by Queen of Robots at 5:18 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

This

I

what

it would be unbelievable if it weren't, sadly, so believable
posted by KathrynT at 5:19 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

My motives for being a homo are totally pure: girls have such soft skin! It says so right in the book!
posted by rtha at 5:20 PM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]

Soft workable skin, to make skin suits easier to make!
posted by The Whelk at 5:21 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

And also because Satan duh
posted by rtha at 5:21 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Motherfucker should come round to my house, I have skin so soft it caused a Russian barber to yell at me. I have to believe in eight moisturizing creams before breakfast.
posted by The Whelk at 5:22 PM on November 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

are you free on fri

do u want me to crush the maignot line of your love
posted by elizardbits at 5:26 PM on November 14, 2013 [15 favorites]

And he's married. I found her picture -- she's an attractive brunette, a skydiver. He admits she has a mind of her own. So why profess all of this caveman-rapey philosophy when he's presumably happily married to a woman who breaks all of the rules he's outlining?
posted by mochapickle at 5:27 PM on November 14, 2013

This guy is just too perfect. It's like the 1700's vomited on a radioactive spider that bit Orson Scott Card.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:28 PM on November 14, 2013 [19 favorites]

Don't drag the 1700s into this. There are many enlightenment figures who would be repulsed by this guy, also many humanists and religious reformers.

ichabod Crane doesn't treat people like this!
posted by The Whelk at 5:30 PM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

Ichabod Crane doesn't even treat headless ghouls like this!
posted by nicebookrack at 5:32 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

From the Google excerpt, under "Calling all Virgins" (ickkkkk): "Holy Schlumpa!"

Why do I suddenly feel like this guy and Anastasia Steele would make the perfect couple? I bet she'd pass his 'Dateable' nonsense.
posted by Queen of Robots at 5:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

So why profess all of this caveman-rapey philosophy when he's presumably happily married to a woman who breaks all of the rules he's outlining?

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess money.
posted by heyho at 5:49 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Though this guy didn't pop into existence from a void.

yeah, super sadly that is not a rare viewpoint. the same people who told me i was damaged also told me that damage was the reason i kissed girls. i was like no! (like rtha) skin so soft! even you say so! also, you keep telling me you're sending the boys away for 2 years when they turn 19, who am i supposed to amuse myself with while they're gone??

not to mention, pretty much all the mormon boys i knew were like this and the pretty mia maids & laurels with their calf-length skirts and lip gloss were just more appealing to me.
posted by nadawi at 5:52 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

i bet if you really got into a conversation with the wife she'd profess to believing in the whole woman subservient to her husband thing. he doesn't use the SUPER COOL persona at home, i bet. he's probably like every other boring suburban christian dad who thinks he has a little edge, but the core values are probably exercised in their home.
posted by nadawi at 5:54 PM on November 14, 2013

I just don't understand how he can rail against "feminization" of men with bleached blonde hair, wearing makeup aka spray tan, a waxed chest and wearing a necklace.
posted by humanfont at 5:57 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

A CONCH SHELL NECKLACE
posted by The Whelk at 5:59 PM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

There should be a law -- no one can wear a conch shell necklace unless you have personally seen a conch. That conch. And turned it into a necklace yourself.
posted by mochapickle at 6:00 PM on November 14, 2013

i wondered about that - do you think they meant conch, or did they actually mean puka shell (which hilariously, at least in my results, suggest i might also want to look at "douche").
posted by nadawi at 6:02 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

The video that mochapickle posted yesterday has now been removed.

down the memory hole
posted by dhens at 6:06 PM on November 14, 2013

Haha, I was just coming to mention that! It's the same video that the Atlantic story describes. And I am sure that this guy has a whole rack of puka shell necklaces, but I think he was wearing a single shell on a leather thread in that video.
posted by mochapickle at 6:09 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

The puka shell necklace is the ultimate signifier of middle-aged dude uncomfortable with his middle-aged-ness. A friend of my boyfriend's* is a stand-up comic who tours pretty regularly, and we've noticed that whenever he posts footage on youtube from any of his college performances, he's always wearing a puka shell necklace. Since he pretty much never wears a puka shell necklace any other time, we theorize that this is his attempt to fit in with the Young People of Today, god love him.

*You might be asking how I can possibly have a boyfriend when I am a woman who possesses both strong opinions and a sexual history. The answer is KETCHUP BOTTLES.
posted by scody at 6:18 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

Ugh. Just when I thought I couldn't hateread any more, I come across the Youth Workers section of his site:

Dateable Quiz for Youth Workers

Do your kids need to read Dateable? Take this RU Dateable Quiz and find out if your group needs the Dateable curriculum!

1. In the past 12 months I've had two girls fighting over a guy.
2. I have a hard time getting my boys to be leaders.
3. My female students dress provocatively in short shirts (sic?) and low cut jeans.
4. My girls struggle with accepting their beauty. (WTF?)
5. My guys have trouble connecting their physical adventure and spiritual adventure.
6. My girls don't have any concept of shut up and be mysterious.
7. I have girls who think it is okay to ask guys out.
8. I have guys who think it is okay for girls to take the lead and ask them out.

The use of the possessive here is truly vomit-worthy. And I believe I am going to vomit right now.
posted by jokeefe at 6:29 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

betwixt my thighs lurks a panzer division

Wait...the 116th Panzer Divison Windhund? Or the Panzergrenadier Division Großdeutschland?

Asking for a friend.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

Dateable might be coming to a city near you—if you beg really hard.

It’s a day-long, well, almost a day-long journey into the mind of the opposite sex. We are asking youth groups from all over the area to come together for one big Dateable bang.

What the hell is wrong with this guy?
posted by jokeefe at 6:32 PM on November 14, 2013 [9 favorites]

i will now forever laugh every time i play panzer general.
posted by nadawi at 6:34 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Do these panzers make my thighs look big?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:36 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

> "8. I have guys who think it is okay for girls to take the lead and ask them out."

THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH.
posted by kyrademon at 6:39 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

7. I have girls who think it is okay to ask guys out.
8. I have guys who think it is okay for girls to take the lead and ask them out.

If you answered "yes" to both of these... it sounds like everything should work out OK?
posted by dhens at 6:40 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

In the Google books link posted above, I found the following set of excerpts.

First, the exact chewed-up bubblegum metaphor discussed above, but with cars ("I mean, what is more valuable, a beat-up car that everyone trashes, or a new car in mint condition?...Which girl is seen as more valuable, the one no one has ever touched, or the one everyone has touched?")

This is followed immediately by the following passage:

The Secret In the Garage

I have a friend who most days drives around in an old, beat-up, broken-down pickup truck...People make fun of him and laugh at his old truck. He accepts it. He takes it. He just shrugs it off as their own little judgement and opinion. Then he goes home and opens the garage door to the truth - a tricked-out, road-eating BMW Z3 convertible. He slides into the seat...then he hits the highway, and the truth sets him free.

---
I'll admit, I'm drawing a blank on what the hell course of action he thinks he's recommending here.
posted by heyforfour at 6:43 PM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]

Frequently MeFi threads about outrage-inducing things result in a big, angry pile on of the target in question, and even when I agree with the general response of commenters to the angry-making thing... Those aren't necessarily something I read much of because it's just an echo chamber and I don't always want to get that riled up over whatever...

But there's some magical thing where this guy is so egregiously, outrageously stupid and awful that the pile on is... hilarious? Some of it's the "laughing so I don't cry" thing. But I've been giggling all day at stuff in this thread.
posted by sparkletone at 6:44 PM on November 14, 2013 [9 favorites]

Wait...the 116th Panzer Divison Windhund? Or the Panzergrenadier Division Großdeutschland?

Have you learned nothing? Girls are supposed to be mysterious! Let elizardbits surprise her groom on their wedding night!
posted by gingerest at 6:45 PM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]

you laugh but today I asked my wife to open a pickle jar for me and now I am gay for Satan
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:51 PM on November 14, 2013 [42 favorites]

Ugh, all he does is contradict himself:

"Ladies, never ever, ever, ever lower yourself for a man so a guy feels like he's more." (vimeo)
posted by mochapickle at 7:04 PM on November 14, 2013

o/*\o

Qu'est que c'est?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:13 PM on November 14, 2013

Psycho killer.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:15 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

ROU_Xenophobe: Two people high-fiving (see my comment on emoji).
posted by dhens at 7:15 PM on November 14, 2013

now I am gay for Satan

Wait..WHICH Satan? Like a big ol' demon? A serpent? A fallen angel?

If we're talking Supernatural's Rough Trade Lucifer I can kinda get behind the idea.
posted by The Whelk at 7:16 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

Wait..WHICH Satan?

Dunno.

Which one do you recommend?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:17 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

Dudes always thought I was super mysterious until they got to know me and then they would realize that I'm just weird. It inevitably ended pretty quickly after that.

So, Laydeez, never speak your mind and continue dating men who prefer the person they imagine you to be rather than who you are!
posted by winna at 7:17 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

> "I'll admit, I'm drawing a blank on what the hell course of action he thinks he's recommending here."

Well, he appears to be implying that a virgin that has only a 1.9 liter capacity will be grossly underpowered; you should definitely look for at least a 2.2 liter model. Handling on your virgin is compromised for grip rather than comfort. The general handling characteristic of a virgin is a slight understeer, and reversing in your virgin is an acquired skill, as the roll-over bars and mesh wind deflector will reduce rear vision. However, you can expect the dampers on your virgin to last for at least 80,000 miles. Your virgin will have only limited storage space, and be careful with your virgin during winters. On the pro side, though, your virgin will last forever if properly maintained and driven.
posted by kyrademon at 7:25 PM on November 14, 2013 [24 favorites]

Ugh, 18 minutes into this vimeo, he's dissing Mr. Rogers for not being manly enough. Mr. Rogers. One of the godliest men of our time.

(Instead, he says that being manly means to be more like Braveheart.)
posted by mochapickle at 7:29 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

Sooo...drunk, anti-semitic, and wearing a skirt?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:35 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

And covered in makeup.
posted by The Whelk at 7:38 PM on November 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

romakimmy: ""And I am apparently not dateable as I have yet to swing down from a tree, and beat a lion to death with the live python I had in my teeth, before chugging a 3 liter of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel, and then grabbing a nearby female, and jumping over 15 buses in a flaming monster truck on my way to dinner with her at Denny's on Half-Price Bacon Night."

You had me at "Half Price Bacon Night.""

So, this, ummmm, means we can date?
posted by Samizdata at 7:44 PM on November 14, 2013

I got curious and looked him up on youtube and found this: How Far Is Too Far?

This guy, I mean.

This guy is like, a movie villain played by Vince Vaughn, in which the climax is Ben Stiller punching him in the face.

This guy is Tom Arnold's superego.

If 'douche' were an ethnicity, he would be a racist caricature.

I can't with this guy.

I couldn't tell you how offensive what he was saying was, because it was largely incoherent. He goes on about how dating is like car shopping, and physical intimacy is like breaking windows and tearing a hole in the seat and dumping a milkshake in it oh goddammit now I see it.

THIS GUY.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:47 PM on November 14, 2013 [15 favorites]

Asking for a friend.

is your friend poland
posted by elizardbits at 7:48 PM on November 14, 2013 [20 favorites]

octobersurprise: "JESUS CHRIST, PEOPLE, HIS PHOTO GALLERY IS CALLED PEEK-A-DOO

I can't decide if leather pants-wearing Justin or dressing-like-a-twelve-year-old Justin is my favorite."

They are both awesome, because LOOK HOW WACKY AND HIP HE IS!
posted by Samizdata at 7:50 PM on November 14, 2013

Elizabeth Smart has discussed the terribleness of telling girls that after sex they are used chewing gum.

“I remember in school one time, I had a teacher who was talking about abstinence,” Smart told the panel. “And she said, ‘Imagine you’re a stick of gum. When you engage in sex, that’s like getting chewed. And if you do that lots of times, you’re going to become an old piece of gum, and who is going to want you after that?’ Well, that’s terrible. No one should ever say that. But for me, I thought, ‘I’m that chewed-up piece of gum.’ Nobody re-chews a piece of gum. You throw it away. And that’s how easy it is to feel you no longer have worth. Your life no longer has value.”

posted by humanfont at 7:51 PM on November 14, 2013 [13 favorites]

is your friend poland

Umm...rhymes with 'Smelgium'.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:56 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

So ... I don't eat meat, and I also don't have a car. Apparently, this means I am pure!

But, wait, I take public transportation.

OH NO WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
posted by kyrademon at 8:03 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

When you engage in sex, that’s like getting chewed

this man has never before had A Sex
posted by elizardbits at 8:05 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

As part of my new-found Godly belief in ecological sustainability, I am willing to rechew gum.
posted by Samizdata at 8:07 PM on November 14, 2013

Yeah, if you chew on it, you're probably doing it wrong.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:08 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

smart's quotes about the lesson is so spot on. i really did believe that my eventual husband would be performing an act of charity by marrying me, or that i deserved guys that were jerks because i was damaged. i believed at times it would be better if i were dead. all because i was molested starting at the age of 8. these messages are dangerous in so many ways.
posted by nadawi at 8:10 PM on November 14, 2013 [9 favorites]

I really hope he has never had a sex, because I wouldn't want him going around chewing on people, ripping holes in them and then pouring milkshakes on them. He's like an entire year of Dan Savage columns rolled up into one.
posted by emjaybee at 8:10 PM on November 14, 2013 [9 favorites]

Having sex is just like chewing gum, you take the women into your mouth and then bite down, squeezing out juices and flavor as you chew chew chew along your way, rolling and shaping the woman in your mouth, and then you use your tongue to form the now tasteless women into a ball and leave her dry, grey, tooth print riddled body in the fresh. The whole process took two minutes. Just like sexM
posted by The Whelk at 8:10 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

Vince Vaughn, in which the climax is Ben Stiller punching him in the face.

Could it be Ben Stiller punching him in the dick?
posted by emcat8 at 8:11 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm not comfortable imagining he has a dick to punch.
posted by The Whelk at 8:12 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

No one should touch it, ever.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:13 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Could it be Ben Stiller punching him in the dick?

Yeah prolly.
posted by dhens at 8:14 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Lord I hope not all the hair is bleached and curled into awful little spikes
posted by The Whelk at 8:14 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Lord I hope not all the hair is bleached and curled into awful little spikes

Well, that would explain this expression. It couldn't be comfortable.
posted by mochapickle at 8:19 PM on November 14, 2013

I'm gonna regret asking this I'm sure, but... godly wives are somehow exempt from being used up gum when it's only their husbands that are chewing them? Is that how this (fucked up bullshit) works?

Why am I even trying to make sense of this?
posted by Space Kitty at 8:20 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Well, that would explain this expression. It couldn't be comfortable.

he looks like he belongs in the worst '90s rock band
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:27 PM on November 14, 2013

It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.

This seriously has to be the absolutely most vile thing I have read in a very long time-- to tell a girl or woman that she would be better off dead than to be a survivor of sexual assault. This makes me want to hurt somebody. Imagine that pain that this type of toxic shit has caused.
posted by jokeefe at 8:30 PM on November 14, 2013 [29 favorites]

well, johnny lingo taught me that if you pay 8 cows for a wife who is only worth 1 cow, your love will actually make her worth 10 cows.
posted by nadawi at 8:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

One of the current trends in fundie churches is a huge push for their members to have more sex. Married members, with their spouses, of course. The wonderfulness of sex is preached from the pulpit, women are told to do their wifely duty, and there was one prominent minister who staged a bed-in, with his wife, on the roof of his church as a way of promoting more marital intercourse.

So a young person, especially young women, unlucky enough to be stuck in such a church will get a lovely mix of messages. Sex is disgusting and terrible, and if you have it, you're no better than a piece of trash, soiled and unlovable, forsaken by God. But, once you're married, sex is absolutely wonderful, necessary, and sanctified. Especially if you're a woman. It's part of the job description of wife.

And these churches have no idea why the twentysomethings are leaving in droves.
posted by honestcoyote at 8:34 PM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

jokeefe - unfortunately an often repeated line. i've heard it as a "joke" that moms tell their daughters before they go off to college or on their mission.
posted by nadawi at 8:36 PM on November 14, 2013

your love will actually make her worth 10 cows.

They got this wrong, it's that at night, in bed, in the marriage room, she becomes ten cows. Ten actual huge mighty cows whose carnal needs and great and vast.
posted by The Whelk at 8:38 PM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

And from cows, we get milk. And from milk, we get milkshakes with which to pour on our shiny new cars.
posted by mochapickle at 8:40 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

Damn dairy cult.
posted by The Whelk at 8:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

he looks like he belongs in the worst '90s rock band

Do we actually know where this Lookadoo came from

I mean maybe it's possible one day in 1998 he was shat out of a Smash Mouth video

Extruded into our reality by accident
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:41 PM on November 14, 2013 [9 favorites]

And these churches have no idea why the twentysomethings are leaving in droves.

They'll be back when they're thirtysomethings though. It's a little strange reading the FB feed of a woman I went to HS with 20+ years ago who wouldn't put up with this shit then post crap about how that slut Miley Cyrus is destroying America.

Or the guys who used to wear hair down to their ass as a way to flaunt cultural norms bitching about kids with pants too low.

That contingent of cranky old people will never die off - more are made every day.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:43 PM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

As a 30 something person I'd just like to say I'm not "cranky old" nor did I give up my values.
posted by sweetkid at 8:58 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

And from cows, we get milk. And from milk, we get milkshakes

Hey, you boys! Get out of my damn yard! Some of us have work in the morning!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:01 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

You know.

I'll literally never be able to relate Lookadoo's view of the world at all. Not ever again. And to the extent I ever did, I was a misguided teenager being fed a damaged world view by people who thought they were helping.

But even as an adult with much healthier (I think?) perspectives on things, I realized that I actually have read something that feels a lot more to me like someone explaining fundamental truths about me relating to other humans than this guy's bullshit.

It's this.

:(
posted by sparkletone at 9:23 PM on November 14, 2013 [28 favorites]

sparkletone's link flagged for off-topic heartbreak
posted by nicebookrack at 9:46 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]

Yeah that cat poem hit me like a ton of bricks and now I feel like garbage

Lookadon't read that poem if you're in a bad place
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:48 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

I teased my cat today when he just wanted to nap and now I want to brick myself up in an abbey wall as penance
posted by nicebookrack at 9:55 PM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

What confuses me is that the poem is clearly written by a dog. Possibly my own incredibly sooky dog, who firmly believes that we leave the house for work just to spite him. The cat poem goes:

my cat is sad.

no one else in his family is a cat

we are all human except for him

he is superior to us in all ways

and yet he is the one who has to wear a fucking bell

he just wants to hunt

and scratch shit up

he looks at us with scorn

and disappointment

he says hello i am a cat why are you in my house

what is that/is it dead yet/please can i kill it

can i have some of you food and also the dogs food yes all the food

do you want to play with my toys? NO THEY ARE MINE NOW I WILL HIDE THEM

do you like scratching my soft furry belly

yes you do

scratch it some more

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING
posted by jaynewould at 9:59 PM on November 14, 2013 [34 favorites]

I'm gonna regret asking this I'm sure, but... godly wives are somehow exempt from being used up gum when it's only their husbands that are chewing them? Is that how this (fucked up bullshit) works?

How it works is teenagers do dumb things fairly often. But instead of trying to educate them or provide them with tools to make better decisions, because that's hard, just make a list (based on your gut reactions) of things they aren't supposed to do.

And then they'll do them anyways. But there couldn't possibly be a problem with your list of rules, or if there is, fixing it would require thinking it through, which is hard, so what you decide is the problem is the teenagers haven't been scared enough. So you have to scare them harder and then they'll follow the rules.

So you come up with the most visceral similes you can. They don't need to be coherent, coherent similes are for when you want to explain something to someone so they can make an informed decision. But as we've established, that's hard. You've already made the decision for them, you just need to make them do what you've decided they should. So you use whatever simile you think will do that, and then discard it like you would used chewing gum.
posted by RobotHero at 11:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [6 favorites]

dressing-like-a-twelve-year-old Justin

Live truthfully, and skate through life
posted by en forme de poire at 11:35 PM on November 14, 2013

She taught sex ed (actually, I think it was a constellation of classes called Family and Life Skills or something, and included budgeting, basic cooking, how to find a job, etc.) in the Louisville public schools.

When I was in 7th grade in Catholic grammar school, our teacher told us that we were going to have two afternoons off from class because someone from the diocese was going to come and talk to us about making good decisions and life skills. I knew that didn't quite sound right, but I remember being actually hopeful and excited that it WOULD be a workshop about life skills- I don't think I would have been able to articulate it then, but in retrospect, what I really wanted was to learn how to work hard, develop personal resilience, and identify and then live my values (which, at that time, had nothing to do with sex).

It took about three minutes for me to realize that, no, the workshop was all about not having sex. And that was it. There was a used chewing gum type exercise that involved tearing off pieces of construction paper hearts to symbolize "giving a piece of your heart" to each person you had sex with. Naturally you are left with a crumpled unrecognizable piece of construction paper at the end of the exercise. There was a similar demonstration with a jar of water that, once touched by food dye, could never be TRULY clear again. There was a misleading explication on the efficacy of condoms using sports balls of various sizes. I think at one point, the presenter said that there are no "good" or "bad" feelings, only "comfortable" and "uncomfortable" feelings, and that no one can "make" you feel anything. I wish I had said out loud that was unmitigated bullshit. I lived in a safe home, but I knew (from public school!) that some kids didn't and that THEY FELT BAD ABOUT IT and that their abusers made them feel that way.

It all just really sucked, and I remember, sort of, feeling like it definitely sucked but also that I had really wanted to actually learn life skills about how to be a good person and instead I just heard all this stuff that wasn't even relevant to me. I was 12 and 13 during most of my religious sex ed and I still (okay, I was really sheltered) didn't even know what the mechanics of sex were, let alone have any interest in actually having it with another person.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:42 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

Fuck me fuck me fuck me i just read 266 new messages about this piece of shit and fuck me i am pure impotent rage and fuck the churches and schools that pay that piece of shit and fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
posted by five fresh fish at 12:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

That thing about sexual assault makes me want to hurt the guy, but otherwise I'm not finding him infuriating so much as laughable.

The thing is, his horrifying regressive beliefs aside, there's a whole bunch of people like him working with children who think they "connect" but almost all the kids just find them a joke. Teens, especially, know and hate when they're being spoken down to.

Teens aren't his audience, adults are his audience. It's clueless parents who buy these books for their kids and it's clueless adults who book him for events. The overwhelming majority of the kids who encounter this guy, even the most sheltered, will see him for what he is. He has much less influence than he thinks.

It's his true audience, those reactionary adults, who are dangerous. They're the ones who are parents and teachers and community leaders and others who believe and further the reactionary ideas that he is repackaging. He's a sideshow clown, they're city council members and school board members and state representatives and teachers and doctors and nurses and ministers and guidance counselors and voters. They believe most of the things that he believes because he takes his cue from them — and they have the actual influence he lacks.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 3:12 AM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]

6. My girls don't have any concept of shut up and be mysterious.

BEST.
posted by spinturtle at 5:23 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

a little strange reading the FB feed of a woman I went to HS with 20+ years ago who wouldn't put up with this shit then post crap about how that slut Miley Cyrus is destroying America.

Or the guys who used to wear hair down to their ass as a way to flaunt cultural norms bitching about kids with pants too low.

One effect I've discovered that the onset of getting older has on a lot of "freaks" is revealing what their inspiration really is/was: They don't believe in challenging cultural norms, or the rights of the youth to be themselves; they believe that THEIR cultural "revolution" is the only one that actually mattered. Often times, they will simultaneously try and brag about their "grown up" life and achievements while reminding everyone about how they had a mohawk in college.

Adulthood, for these people, is another "scene".

The problem shows up when they realize they have to choose either accepting that youth trends are ephemeral and the fun times they had being marketed to and fawned over by the world at large are mostly over OR fighting against the change and defending their new "scene" against the invaders at the gate, with their lousy dubstep and emotions hair. They will also make strong, declarative statements about how music 'today' is terrible, and all music peaked during the time period that conveniently coincides with their high school years.

See, when THEY wore stupid clothes and listened to music to piss off the squares, it MEANT something man. These kids? They don't know what they're doing. And if they won't recognize how cool I am, then by God I'm going to make them pay.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:33 AM on November 15, 2013 [18 favorites]

He's a sideshow clown

Now that you mention it, there is a resemblance.

(Bonus: This interview makes me wonder if Justin attended the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too. And yes! There is a creepy meat metaphor!)
posted by octobersurprise at 6:41 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

More like the CREEPIEST meat metaphor.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:20 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

meataphor, if you will
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

6. My girls don't have any concept of shut up and be mysterious.

I've recently learned that "the girls" is a euphemism for breasts. So maybe this is for if you have loud breasts?
posted by Apropos of Something at 8:01 AM on November 15, 2013

my breasts are only loud on trampolines.
posted by nadawi at 8:03 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

They will also make strong, declarative statements about how music 'today' is terrible, and all music peaked during the time period that conveniently coincides with their high school years.

They're wrong about that, too. Music today is way better.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:10 AM on November 15, 2013

I've recently learned that "the girls" is a euphemism for breasts

Ha! Yes that's what I call mine! (Which sometimes makes me feel wrong because that's also how I refer to my two nieces)
posted by billiebee at 9:12 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

really hope he has never had a sex, because I wouldn't want him going around chewing on people, ripping holes in them and then pouring milkshakes on them. He's like an entire year of Dan Savage columns rolled up into one.

"If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing."

OMG you guys! This guy, he's a Reaver!

If you're lucky, he'll do it in that order.
posted by misha at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

I don't think you can blame the g-23 paxilon hydrochlorate for this one. I think he's just an asshole.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

This thread is fantastic. If I weren't laughing at all of your comments, I'd be crying right now, honestly. Thank you all for that.

This Justin Lookadouchebag is just a symptom of a bigger problem. There's this culture of ultra-religious "adults" screwing it up for the rest of us.

Like many of us, they both had typical teenage experiences, like falling in love and having sex at a young age and feeling confused and different (you know, the way we all do), and ALSO now are old enough to have kids of their own facing the same things.

This terrifies them.

That part is understandable, really. You don't want your kids to have to go through the same mental and emotional turmoil you did, being scared, bullied, anxious or depressed. You want to protect them, shield them from that hurt. Most parents, I think, know at some level that there is only so much we can do or say. We can try to help our kids navigate the waters, deal with the bullies and the heartbreak, but even when we do have the answers (which is by no means a given), we know our kids may not listen anyway. Heck, we didn't always listen to ours! We all screw up. The best we can do is love our kids and help them even when they--or WE--mess up. Hard lessons sometimes only get learned through experience (and introspection after the fact).

But this ultra-fundie religious culture can't accept that their kids are becoming more independent as a natural consequence of growing up. They still want their kids to be kids. Kids tow the line and obey the rules. Teens? They're an alien species. You can't talk to them, or reason with them! They are Not Like Us.

Naturally, they welcome this hip new overlord guy who seems to speak the language of the aliens. He doesn't get in the way of that fantasy. He pretends to give teens "straight talk" while really preaching abstinence. He tells girls to stay virgins until they get married, tells boys to "keep it in their pants." Girls who don't are damaged goods, boys who don't are animals. That might even be what their parents told them when they were growing up.

Nevermind that it didn't work for them, either! Never mind that it is sexist, condescending and ultimately more harmful by far than a couple teenagers having sex. To them, sex only becomes an issue when their child disobeys them. And kids who misbehave get punished.

It's maddening to me. These groups pat themselves on the back for being "good" parents who "protect" their children. But they aren't supporting their kids, helping them prepare for and navigate through through crises in their lives. They're just in denial, pretending the crises don't exist, because of course their kids are too young to have real problems. They are the parental equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
posted by misha at 12:23 PM on November 15, 2013 [15 favorites]

Phew, made it through the thread without hitting my favorites limit.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:43 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ivan Fyodorovich: "Teens aren't his audience, adults are his audience. It's clueless parents who buy these books for their kids and it's clueless adults who book him for events. The overwhelming majority of the kids who encounter this guy, even the most sheltered, will see him for what he is. He has much less influence than he thinks.
"

While I mostly agree with you, the ones I feel the most sorry for are the minority of kids, granted a small minority, that hear things like the "chewed bubblegum" analogy and believe it. They are out there. They are in this thread. I went to talks like this as a kid in a church and you bet your ass there are kids out there actively being damaged by this shit.
posted by Big_B at 3:16 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

Upstream, someone was mentioning how Hayley DiMarco was disappeared from the website. Here's the wayback machine's archive of the bios page from last year. The image isn't showing, but her bio is there. There's also a link at the top right that went to her site, which is not in the current version of Mr. SkinSnuggler McRapeyPants' site.

(For the record, her old website now redirects to ifuse, which is written by her husband, he has a lovely light lavender image "for the ladies" which goes to Hayley's latest endeavor: God Girls, where you can learn the value of being submissive. ((parenthetical parentheses: and it's not even submissive in the good way, with the Yes Mistress and the No Mistress and the moaning and the happy ending.))
posted by dejah420 at 8:06 PM on November 15, 2013

> Teens aren't his audience, adults are his audience. It's clueless parents who buy these books for their kids and it's clueless adults who book him for events.

The amazon reviews give that impression (mostly bought and reviewed by parents, not necessarily for their own kids but groups as well), but goodreads ratings (low friction, not purchase-oriented) unfortunately indicate that it's rated by teens and most of the time doesn't trigger the bullshit detector. Good on the students for calling it out.
posted by Tobu at 8:16 PM on November 15, 2013

So has anyone cross-referenced his tour appearances with a database on unsolved unsolved serial murders? Just out of curiosity.
posted by happyroach at 1:41 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]

"While I mostly agree with you, the ones I feel the most sorry for are the minority of kids, granted a small minority, that hear things like the 'chewed bubblegum' analogy and believe it. They are out there. They are in this thread. I went to talks like this as a kid in a church and you bet your ass there are kids out there actively being damaged by this shit."

Yeah, that's true and it makes me furious. But I think that the small number of kids who are credulous with this guy are credulous in general about adult authority figures of a certain type and so are going to get these toxic messages from them, anyway. They're hearing it from their parents, quite often. That's the case with those kinds of kids I grew up with. I don't really think that this clown is actually spreading his toxic message very much at all beyond where it already exists. That's not to dismiss the harm he's doing. But whacking him in this game of whack-a-mole isn't going to make much difference. I suspect that all this attention directed his way will hurt him much more than help him ... but someone will take his place. There's a machine behind him which generates these messages; he's just a cog.

"One effect I've discovered that the onset of getting older has on a lot of 'freaks' is revealing what their inspiration really is/was: They don't believe in challenging cultural norms, or the rights of the youth to be themselves; they believe that THEIR cultural 'revolution' is the only one that actually mattered. Often times, they will simultaneously try and brag about their 'grown up' life and achievements while reminding everyone about how they had a mohawk in college."

Yeah, that's one type. And this phenomenon is just generally disorienting and disappointing.

My best friend in high school, thirty years ago, has become very conservative. He's not a religious conservative and not that culturally conservative, but he's definitely in the Fox News crowd, the libertarian-inflected white male group. He still has his mullet, which is moderately unfashionable within his socioeconomic class (educated, high-tech industry), and he doesn't give a fuck. He has a very expensive motorcycle and he and his wife go to Sturgis. You get the idea.

He's a smart guy and when we were kids we were both impervious and contemptuous of adult conformist bullshit. Never would I have ever expected him to grow up to defend the harrumphing, reactionary power structure we rolled our eyes at in our youth. It wasn't and it's not about defiance or conformance for me, it's about narrow-mindedness, being judgmental and reactionary, it's about having some perspective wider than "this is unfamiliar and strange and therefore it must be morally wrong". I am still, in some deep sense, both shocked and disappointed that he's a Fox News conservative.

But, here's the thing: what he was, and is, is a contrarian. And now he thinks, as Fox News explains, that the conformist majority is people like us (mefites, progressives)! When we were teens, his contrariness validated his desire to listen to heavy metal music and have long hair and party. Now his contrariness validates his desire to say the politically incorrect, to defend his privilege against "those people".

The biggest reason why adolescent and early adulthood beliefs and politics aren't that predictive of where people end up, is because those early beliefs are at least as much posturing and reaction to local conditions as they are an expression of deeply-held values. Rebelliousness in adolescents and young adults is necessarily, in some sense, "progressive" because by definition it's the status quo that will be rebelled against. But adolescents and young adults are not always, or even usually, nonconformist as an expression of core progressive values, they're just contrary. And contrariness can be used to frame and justify any social position.

In the US, the single best predictor of long-term political affiliation is the political party of the President at the onset of adulthood. Which, if adolescents and young adults are generally rebellious and nonconformist, would be exactly the opposite outcome. But it's not. What's dominant when we first reach adulthood best predicts our political beliefs later in life. And that's because those outcomes of presidential elections tend to represent the political zeitgeist of the moment, and that zeitgeist is what is actually forming the core values of adolescents and young adults. The story they tell about how they got there will be varied. Some of them will eventually embrace the Reaganism of their hidebound parents and select a Judas Priest song to play at the GOP National Convention.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:43 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]

There's a bit about it on the Pew site in this paper on the 2012 election generation gap. But there they report it as ambiguous, but what I recall was something more in-depth with some statistical analysis showing a pretty strong correlation — more than other proposed predictors of generational trends in political affiliation. But that's the only source I found just now.

Youth voting pretty much always tilts toward change and against the status quo, which normally in the US has long equated to a liberal bias. And commentators consistently wrongly predict that this bias will continue to be reflected in each cohort for the rest of their lives and thus projected a decline of conservatism. And this, of course, keeps not happening. I find this amazing when you consider that hippy boomers of the sixties became the Reagan yuppies — why do people believe that it's necessarily the case that today's millennials, notoriously culturally progressive, will remain culturally progressive into their middle-age? Especially when you consider that the consistent leftward motion for many decades on cultural issues means that today's "shockingly" permissive cultural liberalism will be tomorrow's convention.

So young adult opinion on particular social issues, especially, may be reliable indicators for their continued positions on those issues, but are not reliable indicators for where on the political spectrum their future opinions, at any given moment in time, will lie. Today's young adults are very cultural progressive by today's standards. That doesn't at all indicate that they will be Democrats in twenty years.

I do think that other demographic factors in the context of the GOP's base is a more defensible basis for predicting a future decline among the middle-aged for GOP affiliation.

Putting that aside, though, if we're just trying to take a snapshot of today's young voters and use that to predict where they will be in twenty years, I think a better case can be made for looking at the entire political milieu of their formative years is a better predictor than their particular affiliation during those years. I wouldn't be surprised at all to see today's 29-year-olds begin to move rightward over the next twenty years while, in contrast, the 37-year-olds and the 21-year-olds will be more reliable Democrats even if the whole 20-40 group leans strongly Democratic presently.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:38 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

I find this amazing when you consider that hippy boomers of the sixties became the Reagan yuppies

Is this really true, though? I've always suspected that it just seems that way because we vastly overestimate the number of boomers who were hippies at the time (and that lots of boomers vastly exaggerate the extent of their former hippie identities) - it seems more likely that the majority of people have always been squares.

As for this Lookadoo hot mess...I think the thing that depressed me the most about it was reading the Amazon reviews - there are so many that are unironically positive. Ugh.
posted by naoko at 1:52 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]

(naoko, I can confirm that most people WERE squares during that time period. The hippies just got all the press.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:51 PM on November 16, 2013

"(naoko, I can confirm that most people WERE squares during that time period. The hippies just got all the press.)"

Well, yeah. I was five to eight years old from 1969-1972, with very young parents (they were in their early-to-mid-twenties), in a university town with a parent in school and both parents working at the university, and I think back and look at photos and marvel at the complete lack of hippies, anywhere. They were completely absent from my world (me and my mother in front of the married student housing in 1967, or so).

What I had in mind were the many examples of actual people who were hippies in the sixties and became Reagan conservatives in the eighties.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:07 PM on November 16, 2013

Yeah, it's a real thing - I didn't mean to suggest that there aren't any of them. I misread your comment as generic "how did the hippie generation get so conservative???" hand-wringing (which seems to crop up frequently).
posted by naoko at 7:38 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

Hate Don Henley all you want (I do!) but he had a point talking about that "Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac"
posted by notsnot at 9:57 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

An article about Lookadoo's previous endeavors: The Campiest Summer Camp.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:08 PM on November 17, 2013

Oh, and this: Updates on Ignite Student Outreach
Which was immediately followed by this: Ignite Student Outreach re-writes the past
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:14 PM on November 17, 2013

Hmm... No twitter or fb updates. I think it's smart of him to lay low.
posted by mochapickle at 9:02 AM on November 18, 2013

More outrage. "Vaginas Are Like "Little Hoover Vacuums," and Other Things Abstinence Lecturers Get Paid to Tell Teens"
posted by davidpriest.ca at 11:07 AM on November 18, 2013

I actually overheard the Richardson Lookadoo brouhaha being discussed on AM talk radio on Friday. When you're a Christian speaker being mocked on AM talk radio in the US, you're in trouble.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:26 AM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Vaginas Are Like "Little Hoover Vacuums," and Other Things Abstinence Lecturers Get Paid to Tell Teens"

According to the Casper Star-Tribune, she asked students, "Do you get closer to your God or do you get farther away when you have sex?" (The answer she wanted: "Farther away.")

So clearly wrong. Everyone who does it right name checks the Big Guy at least once during proceedings.
posted by billiebee at 12:37 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]

"Oh God, what a disaster."
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:38 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

OK, so there are some updates from FB and his website, but only in terms of deletions: He's removed all upcoming events from the events page (unsure whether this is because they're canceled, or because he doesn't want media to show). Removed pictures of him posing with young girls from FB, but hasn't removed new comments to older posts. Removed all traces of his co-writer from the rude table site.

Who knew all of those Spot The Difference puzzles we did in Highlights would come in so handy?
posted by mochapickle at 12:41 PM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

Dear NSA intern monitoring my web usage, please check that terrible man's hard drive for kiddie porn, thxbie.
posted by elizardbits at 12:52 PM on November 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

And to think these creeps get paid a few thousand bucks per appearance, hundreds of appearances a year, to tell outright lies to children.

Lookadouche almost certainly hauls in a million bucks a year to lie to children, to cause significant social harm, to indoctrinate young people, to spread his odious religion in the public school system, to basically destroy lives.

Paid from the public purse. It is disgusting.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:07 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Rev. Dr. Jaime Clarke-Soles (ordained Baptist minister) on Lookadoo:

Would a school dare to bring in a speaker with well-publicized controversial views on race or a track record of disparaging a particular ethnic group? Of course not! So why would they invite someone with similarly outrageous views on gender? . . . The Bible shows us that from the start God created variety in regard to genders, differently-able bodies, races, ethnicities, personality types, cultures, etc. And we can't deny the fact that the Bible portrays a variety of ways to express sexuality, including celibacy. Paul's stated preference was for ALL Christians to be unmarried (1 Cor. 7:8) and Jesus spoke of "those who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 19:12). I assume that eunuchs would be considered "undateable" for Lookadoo.

Lookadoo may have no room for independent women, but the Bible is FULL of them.

posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 4:55 PM on November 18, 2013

Paid from the public purse. It is disgusting.

Fortunately most of the public seems to agree with you, so I suspect that that public purse will be refunded soon (or at least dipped into much more carefully in future).

Sometimes a school gets a bait-and-switch on public speakers; I remember one junior high assembly where we had a bunch of guys who had a fairly decent garage band come in to give us a concert in our school gym, but then suddenly in the middle of the concert they started talking about how "we're not just rockers, we're in the military" and dropping heavy hints that signing up for the army reserves would be A Cool Thing To Do.

Someone must have spoken to somebody, because we never had any outside speakers at my junior high again after that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:24 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Vaginas Are Like "Little Hoover Vacuums"

In high school health class we had an anonymous question box. One of the questions that got placed in it was about vaginas being like vacuums. We all chuckled but our teacher answered it very seriously and explained how the vagina works. Now I'm really glad she did because maybe that question wasn't the joke my class thought it was.
posted by MaritaCov at 10:15 AM on November 19, 2013

I remember one junior high assembly where we had a bunch of guys who had a fairly decent garage band come in to give us a concert in our school gym, but then suddenly in the middle of the concert they started talking about how "we're not just rockers, we're in the military" and dropping heavy hints that signing up for the army reserves would be A Cool Thing To Do.

Ha! That was almost exactly a Simpsons episode.
posted by sweetkid at 1:12 PM on November 19, 2013

billiebee: "So clearly wrong. Everyone who does it right name checks the Big Guy at least once during proceedings."

Speak for yourself. I usually remain quiet throughout until it's time to invoke Cthulhu three times right before looking up at the picture of Matt Haughey, which I have glued to the ceiling, while simultaneously spreading my arms like a high priest and proclaiming in a loud but solemn voice "THE VINEGAR STROKES" thus concluding the proceedings. Unless the cats are watching. Then I'm too self-conscious to say anything at all.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 1:48 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

You say tomayto...

Btw The Vinegar Strokes is my new band name. All praise Cthulhu!
posted by billiebee at 2:16 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yea I need to wash my brain now.
posted by sweetkid at 2:31 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

imagine how mathowie feels
posted by billiebee at 2:47 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

Or Cthulhu
posted by sweetkid at 2:48 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

If he plays this right, he could end up with a heck of a book deal.
posted by mochapickle at 12:47 PM on November 20, 2013

I suppose it's too much to hope that given the response from fellow Christians, speaking out against his misogynistic, antediluvian preaching, and the approbation from the general public, Lookadoo will have a "come to Jesus" moment and actually, y'know, become a follower of Christ's actual teachings and behavioural model.

There's actually a sizeable number of Christians who think Lookadoo and his ilk are ridiculous, even Christians who consider themselves evangelicals. Slacktivist has been linked a lot here. One I've been enjoying a lot lately, even though it's very inside baseball stuff, is The Wartburg Watch, which hasn't mentioned Lookadoo specifically but has tackled a lot of the snake oil peddlers, abusive ministers, and ridiculous trends in the current Baptist / Evangelical community. The hypermasculinity and misogyny, typical of a lot of conservative ministers, is a regular target, as is the recent child abuse coverups by Baptists and other protestant groups.

Wartburg Watch's blogroll has links to several fellow travelers. So this should give you an idea of what a lot of Christians are thinking. It's not all in lockstep with clowns such as Lookadoo.

You also might enjoy Stuff Christian Culture Likes which is some great snark about conservative Christian culture written by a Christian.
posted by honestcoyote at 9:08 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

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