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Looking good for a 600 year old antediluvian patriarch, Mr Crowe
November 15, 2013 10:10 AM   Subscribe

The first trailer for Noah, the forthcoming Paramount Picture biblical epic, is online. With a budget of $130 million, and slated for release in March/April 2014, and with a cast of stars, this covers Chapter 6-9 of the Book of Genesis. Filming took place mostly in Iceland, with some scenes in New York State.

Test screenings have produced mixed results, and some tension in final film editing. The accuracy of the detail may be a focus for some:

'Producer Scott Franklin told Entertainment Weekly, "Noah is a very short section of the Bible with a lot of gaps, so we definitely had to take some creative expression in it. But I think we stayed very true to the story and didn't really deviate from the Bible, despite the six-armed angels."'
posted by Wordshore (262 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
This looks like a parody.
posted by skewed at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2013 [15 favorites]


The market for fantasy pictures is still hot.
posted by Chinese Jet Pilot at 10:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [9 favorites]


Aronofsky is such a great, unique director. I look forward to seeing this on a huge screen. I think it's got potential to be amazing.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


I was really hoping that this would turn out to be a straight adaptation of the Bill Cosby routine.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [15 favorites]


What's a cubit?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:20 AM on November 15, 2013 [22 favorites]


I hope you are right Cookiebastard because I feel the same way about him. And like all Shakespeare adaptations, I'm prone to feel warm about Biblical films because, hey, they are usually great story.

But unfortunately, this seems like, despite being proficiently made, and having a big giant boat, two of every animal, and a world-wiping out flood, it will be boring. And that's the biggest sin of all.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:21 AM on November 15, 2013


I hope there's a twist where they're just pretending it's an Ark until the French get too close and they can run out a broadside.
posted by jquinby at 10:21 AM on November 15, 2013 [24 favorites]


Oh man I hadn't heard of this and I'm really excited.

My family was effectively atheist, but I learned to read and was read myths, folk tales and so on from around the world. That included plenty of Bible stories, both New and Old Testament. In fact, I remember those the best because it was the Children's Illustrated Bibles that had the really lifelike, really vivid illustrations of stuff like a bleeding, blind Samson collapsing the temple and so on.

So I have all that stuff firmly in my mind as the bedrock on which I built my love for movies where spaceships get blown up and castles get raided by orc armies. And there is a serious dearth of non-religious Old Testament films. I don't care about faith and god and family (and, for that matter, talking vegetables) and all of that stuff that evangelizing Christians tend to make their Old Testament-based films from. I want to see a giant wave destroy the world and a dude try to hold out in a boat a voice told him to build.

So, fuck yeah, I hope this is awesome.
posted by griphus at 10:22 AM on November 15, 2013 [22 favorites]


The fact that the poster is using Teal And Orange puts this movie in certain company even without seeing it.
posted by rhizome at 10:23 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Aronofsky, ah so much better choice than Michael Bay, but I was so hoping for Terry Gilliam.
posted by sammyo at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


Two of my biggest loves are religion and disaster movies, so I'm going to try to stay upbeat about this.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2013


Who is this for? As a non-christian moviegoer, I watch the trailer and all I see is the most story destroying deus ex machina over and over again. How can you get emotionally involved in a story that's basically:

Noah, what are you doing?
Building a boat.
Why?
God said there's be a flood.
You cray.
[time passes]
Shit, Noah, look at all that rain.
Yep.
Can I get on your boat.
Nope.
My army says otherwise.
You try anything, God will kick your ass.
[God kicks his ass. Later, on the ark...]
Noah, this flood is too hardcore, we fucked.
Don't worry. God said everything would be fine.
[Everything is fine.]

On the other hand, I can't picture the kind of people that might go see this just because christian movie will be thrilled with the fast and loose action movie interpretation. I mean, these are people that picket productions of Jesus Christ Superstar, for Christ's sake.
posted by 256 at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2013 [16 favorites]


I am unreasonable about Aronofsky. I saw this trailer posted the other day and went into a fit of anger I dislike his films so much. And yet I have seen all of them and will likely see this one too.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think we're going to need a bigger boat.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [37 favorites]


This looks like a parody.

Honestly, that was my first thought. Then I went looking to see if it was the Christian studio who made "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" -- which is Walden Media, and very much not the studio behind this movie.

So…could be OK? I mean, it's not like we can expect them to copyright Shem and Ham and the rest of the Genesis cast if it's a block-buster. Right?
posted by wenestvedt at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2013


What's a cubit?

20 shekels, same as in town.
posted by griphus at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [89 favorites]


Are there dinosaurs on the Ark or not?
posted by dortmunder at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'd love this to have the same ending as Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [14 favorites]


I hadn't heard about this until literally a few minutes after I had finished Casino Jack, with this prescient scene near the end where Jack is trying to sell a producer in Hollywood on his big idea: Russell Crowe as Moses.
posted by odinsdream at 10:26 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


I want there to be at least a 20 minute slapstick comedy montage where Noah and his family track down reluctant species of animal and coax them into the boat. Ideally this will be set to Yakety Sax.
posted by elizardbits at 10:27 AM on November 15, 2013 [61 favorites]


Well I will see anything from Darren Aronofsky. He has this beautiful and harrowing style that I really enjoy.
posted by Mister_A at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Does anyone else feel like Russell Crowe is sort of calcifying into a living hunk of schmaltz? His emotion range seems to be cut down to stentorian, grim, and maudlin. Sad frowny face, serious frowny face, and frowny frowny face. And that's, like, it.
posted by Diablevert at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


It's Aronofsky. I will see it. The Fountain isn't the most technically excellent of his films, but damn is it ever my favorite.
posted by bfranklin at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


"I can't find another armadonkey, giraffelops or zebraroo. Any ideas?"
"Fuck it, just get in the boat."
posted by griphus at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2013 [14 favorites]


You know Aronofsky has gone tame when Noah's version of an ass-to-ass scene will probably involve donkeys being packed into a cramped boat with the rest of the animals.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2013 [28 favorites]


You forgot angry vengeance face.
posted by elizardbits at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2013


AKA my favourite face.
posted by elizardbits at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2013


Yes, Emma Watson drinking game!
posted by sammyo at 10:30 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


He can still do puckish rake face. And "I'm going to smash you with a phone" face.
posted by Mister_A at 10:30 AM on November 15, 2013


sammyo: "Yes, Emma Watson drinking game!"

Please let us in on the rules!
posted by Mister_A at 10:30 AM on November 15, 2013


I will watch this movie opening night, provided it has a scene where you see the ark towing a small raft way, way, waayyyy behind it with a pair of skunks on board.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:31 AM on November 15, 2013 [16 favorites]


Also I hope there's a scene where Noah goes into some forgotten back corner of the ark full of terrifying cross-bred monstrosities left to their own devices and just quickly drops the lot of them off in Australia.
posted by griphus at 10:31 AM on November 15, 2013 [18 favorites]


Wait, according to the cast list Moses' enemy in it will be Tubal-cain? What did Tubal-cain ever do to anyone, but give us an awesome name to say? Tubal-cain. Tubal-cain. So much fun.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:32 AM on November 15, 2013


They don't even mention Jesus once in the film! I bet there are going to be a lot of protests.
posted by Renoroc at 10:34 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


SPOILER: Turns out the real enemy is his son, Tubal-Ligation Cain.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:34 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


Are there dinosaurs on the Ark or not?

They were on-board at the beginning of the voyage...
posted by sammyo at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013


More (well, some, anyway) on Tubal-cain
posted by jquinby at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013


Are there dinosaurs on the Ark or not?
Don't be silly. The dinosaurs were destroyed when Satan and his fallen angels commanded them to destroy Noah's Ark as the Flood was starting.
posted by Flunkie at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013 [9 favorites]


Never thought I'd say this but I have zero desire to see this Aronofsky film.
posted by saul wright at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Are there dinosaurs on the Ark or not?

Yes. And they were delicious.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I loved A Beautiful Mind. This remake looks even better.
posted by GrapeApiary at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I want to see a giant wave destroy the world and a dude try to hold out in a boat a voice told him to build.

Griphus: I absolutely agree with you. For the first half of the trailer I was really into this, right up until we see God literally move the earth to rout the army, and see predator and prey calmly boarding the ship side by side.

If this was an Aronofsky movie starring these actors and with the premise of: Comet hits Earth, causing floods to drown entire cradle of civilization, and one crazy dude who thinks God told him to build a giant boat tries to weather the storm.

Well then, I'd be lining up to see it.
posted by 256 at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Don't be silly. The dinosaurs were destroyed when Satan and his fallen angels commanded them to destroy Noah's Ark as the Flood was starting.


I would watch the fuck out of the movie inspired by that illustration.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


Would be better with a subtitle. Like Noah: Last Man Standing. Something like that.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2013


Who is this for? As a non-christian moviegoer...

I'm a non-christian moviegoer too. The Great Flood Story is a far-reaching, almost universal myth. The Noah Story is the version of The Great Flood Story that most moviegoers would be familiar with. I love to see Great Myths done well by Great Directors.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


Trailer is seriously lacking a lot of beetles. And not even one easily visible armadillo or llama or penguin or kangaroo or kiwi or sloth? Boring.

Also, apparently Black people will have to come from the curse of Ham, because there weren't any before the Flood. Only Anglo-Saxons, who can play *everyone*.
posted by sukeban at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


(And no Nephilim-human hybrids. Bo-ring.)
posted by sukeban at 10:38 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


Tubal-cain = basically Forge, from X-Men.
posted by Iridic at 10:38 AM on November 15, 2013


The Guardian's brief overview is great.

They certainly spent a lot of money making that movie. I think that might be the nicest thing I can say...


I suppose every director has at least one truly bad movie in them.
posted by combinatorial explosion at 10:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


There is nothing in the cast listing re: who is going to play the Voice of God so I have decided it should be Fran Drescher.
posted by elizardbits at 10:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [33 favorites]


Does anyone else feel like Russell Crowe is sort of calcifying into a living hunk of schmaltz? His emotion range seems to be cut down to stentorian, grim, and maudlin.

He'll probably get a chance to ham it up more in the upcoming film adaptation of Winter's Tale - he plays Pearly Soames (a time-traveling gang boss from 1890's New York City who chases Colin Farrel into 1985).

....I kinda get the sense that if Russell Crowe has managed to talk the filmmakers into letting Alan Doyle have a part in a given film as well, it's a good sign that he'll be a bit looser himself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on November 15, 2013


Speaking of the curse of Ham, I'm pretty sure this tale will end before the whole "Noah's kid look at his passed-out-drunk-ass-body naked for some reason" and for that, I am disappointed.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


...So that maybe means that Aronofsky should have let Alan Doyle be Noah's-hertofore-unknown-wacky-comic-sidekick or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:40 AM on November 15, 2013


sammyo: "Yes, Emma Watson drinking game!"

Please let us in on the rules!


A sip whenever she makes that serious serious face.
posted by sammyo at 10:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


There is nothing in the cast listing re: who is going to play the Voice of God so I have decided it should be Fran Drescher.

Woody Allen
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:41 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Yep, sorry. I like Aronofsky, Crowe, Watson, and lumbering epics but this looks like a real steamer. Add Waterworld to Master and Commander, making sure to hit the ludicrous story beats (eg: 2 of every animal) required by the source material, and cover with the art direction of that stooooopid "IT'S TIMELESS, could be 2000 BC, could be 2000 years from now (but actually looks JUST EXACTLY like 1998)" school, and you have yourself a grade A shit sandwich.

Sorry, God.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:41 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm gonna get super-high and go see this. Or not go see it. It won't really matter.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2013 [12 favorites]


Aronofsky should have let Alan Doyle be Noah's-hertofore-unknown-wacky-comic-sidekick

Don't be ridiculous! Noah's comic sidekick is played by Bronson Pinchot.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


A trailer can make anything look bad.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Will there be Somali pirates?
posted by manoffewwords at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


I found playing this to replace the soundtrack of the trailer improved it by about a gazillion times
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2013


Finally the prequel to Waterworld we've all been waiting for!

The Fountain is a problematic movie, but it's a really interesting depiction of religious faith. So weird that the same man also made Pi. I'm curious to see what he does with Noah.

(Meantime, go watch Upstream Color to see someone out-Aronofsky Aronofsky.)
posted by Nelson at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Add Waterworld to Master and Commander

Master and Commander is actually good. Crowe can turn out a decent performance when he wants to.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2013 [21 favorites]


Hipster mode: "I liked the story better when the dude was called Utnapishtim."
posted by sukeban at 10:47 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Living in Iceland, I've been hearing about this over and over again. Some of the local news highlights about the filming have included:

- the cast and crew rented an entire village in south Iceland, even staying in peoples' private homes

- all traffic to the set has been strictly prohibited

- Hollywood people love Iceland (a refrain you can attach to pretty much any local news story about an American celeb who visits)

- a couple well-known Icelanders got to take part in the filming

- it will be a truly awesome movie for the ages and they could not have picked a better location

Personally, I don't know if I'll watch this. Probably, just to be able to spot locations I already know (though that wasn't enough to make me watch Oblivion) and to see how Aronofsky handles this myth.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:47 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


My Christian friends are creaming themselves over this. Which ain't a good sign.
posted by Caskeum at 10:47 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm going to be pedantic for a minute.

"...two of every animal..."

Actually, this is false. Well, sort of. The whole "2 of each kind" bit is from Genesis 6:19-20. But later in Genesis 7:2-3, God commands that Noah bring seven of every clean animal, and 7 of all birds. I know this because I got an F in Honor's English my senior year because I stupidly didn't read the sections and answer correctly about the whole 7 of each clean animal bit. Though, again, if you really want to argue about it, different versions of the Bible have different numbers. There's a Gnostic interpretation that the God who sent the flood wasn't the all loving God that many people attribute to their current religious beliefs. This is also the God who dropped a nuke on Sodom and Gomorrah.

There is also a time traveling contradiction, since the laws regarding clean and unclean animals aren't in the bible until the time of Moses, which is many generations after the Noah's Ark bits. So, yeah, go go consistency in myths.
posted by daq at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2013 [13 favorites]


My Christian friends are creaming themselves over this. Which ain't a good sign.

Who doesn't love a good Babylonian myth?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Does this film have dinosaurs?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:49 AM on November 15, 2013


There is nothing in the cast listing re: who is going to play the Voice of God so I have decided it should be Fran Drescher.

Ira Glass.
posted by straight at 10:50 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Does this film have dinosaurs?

Yeah, he's playing Noah.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR COLDPLAY.
posted by griphus at 10:51 AM on November 15, 2013 [31 favorites]


Actually, this is false. Well, sort of. The whole "2 of each kind" bit is from Genesis 6:19-20. But later in Genesis 7:2-3, God commands that Noah bring seven of every clean animal, and 7 of all birds.

Good to know. I was always confused by "two of each animal". Okay, the two animals mate and then their offspring... mate with each other?
posted by kersplunk at 10:51 AM on November 15, 2013


Does this film have dinosaurs?

It better have *unicorns*. Unicorns are in the Bible.
posted by sukeban at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


And a David Bowie cameo, as the unicorn who will. Not. Be. Left. Behind.
posted by newdaddy at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cookiebastard: Yes, as I implied above, there are many Great Flood stories I'd be interested in seeing, and I certainly have nothing against stories pulled from christian myth. There's a lot of good myth there.

But in this film, at least as the trailer presents it, Noah isn't the protagonist, God is. And he's a dick. It's really hard to make a good story about an omnipotent asshole protagonist just doing whatever he wants with no worthy adversary.
posted by 256 at 10:53 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also as an Irish person, 40 days and 40 nights of rain sounds like an unusually dry summer.
posted by kersplunk at 10:53 AM on November 15, 2013 [19 favorites]


Yeah - here in the Pacific Northwest we call that "drought."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Actually, rereading some of the gnostic tales about the whole flood and Noah thing makes me with that they had gone with Noah being married to Norea (instead of Naameh), who was a daughter of Eve and was like, way cooler and smarter than Noah. In the Gnostic tales, she burns down the Ark because she knows that it's basically Noah colluding with the Dark (False/Evil) God, and her name means "the knower of hidden things."

Also, there would be some awesome Dark Angel versus Good Angel super knock out brawling action, because the Dark God sends his angels to rape Norea for burning down the Ark.

I always thought the Gnostic stories were so much better than the mainstream Christian ones. Mostly because you can roll them right into Cthulu mythos with just a few tweaks. Aso, lots more angel fights.
posted by daq at 10:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


Okay, the two animals mate and then their offspring... mate with each other?

It was good enough for Adam And Eve's kids!
posted by The Whelk at 10:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


It's really hard to make a good story about an omnipotent asshole protagonist just doing whatever he wants with no worthy adversary.

I dunno, this sounds pretty much like Nixon, which I rather enjoyed.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:57 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


256: It's really hard to make a good story about an omnipotent asshole protagonist just doing whatever he wants with no worthy adversary.

Scarface? The Godfather? Breaking Bad?
posted by wenestvedt at 10:57 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


You know what? Screw you god. Sending down rain to kill everyone you don't care for. Sit on it and Ro-ro-ro-rotate!
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 10:57 AM on November 15, 2013


It was good enough for Adam And Eve's kids!

Cain and Abel?
posted by alasdair at 10:58 AM on November 15, 2013


Also, I realize this is me being a crank, but this incoherent series of flashy action scenes trailer thing really, really doesn't work for me.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:01 AM on November 15, 2013


Wikipedia mentions that a Christian screenwriter got his hands on a script and, well, didn't like it: Darren Aronofsky's Noah: Environmentalist Wacko
posted by FJT at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2013


straight: "Ira Glass."

If you're going to go NPR for the voice of god, it's got to be Carl Kasell.
posted by octothorpe at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


It was good enough for Adam And Eve's kids!

Cain and Abel?


And Seth and other sons and daughters.
posted by Etrigan at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Add Waterworld to Master and Commander ... and you have yourself a grade A shit sandwich.

Oh I beg to differ. Add Waterworld to Master and Commander and you have grade A awesome. If the movie is even half as good as the trailer looks it'll be the best fantasy movie since LOTR and the best apocalypse movie since Waterworld.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:03 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I wasn't previously aware of the fact that neither The Wrestler nor Black Swan were written by Aronofsky, which I think goes pretty far towards explaining the fact that they're the only two movies of his that I think are really good. This...looks like it will be pretty well in line with all the other movies he has writing credits on.
posted by invitapriore at 11:03 AM on November 15, 2013


Maybe this will be the first Aronofsky film in which the protagonist doesn't commit suicide.

Maybe.
posted by goethean at 11:03 AM on November 15, 2013


Great cast.
the CGI, um, looks creaky.
posted by Bwithh at 11:03 AM on November 15, 2013


Don't be silly. The dinosaurs were destroyed when Satan and his fallen angels commanded them to destroy Noah's Ark as the Flood was starting.

I would watch the fuck out of the movie inspired by that illustration.


Jurassic Ark
posted by burnmp3s at 11:04 AM on November 15, 2013 [18 favorites]


If you're going to go NPR for the voice of god, it's got to be Carl Kasell.

That's a really long answering machine message.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:04 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


Add Waterworld to Master and Commander

Master and Commander was an awesome movie which the critics and audiences loved.

Waterworld was an awesome movie which the critics and audiences hated.
posted by Bwithh at 11:05 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Master and Commander is actually good.

The greatest flaw of M&C is the casting of Billy Boyd as Barret Bonden, the bare knuckle boxing champion of the Mediterranean Fleet. Billy Boyd is a perfectly good actor but does not appear to be a person who could successfully fight with a small damp head of lettuce.
posted by elizardbits at 11:05 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


It better have *unicorns*. Unicorns are in the Bible.
posted by sukeban at 10:52 AM on November 15 [+] [!]


I think unicorn is Ancientese for rhino?
posted by Bwithh at 11:06 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Living in Iceland, I've been hearing about this over and over again.

Did the Hollywood people have any trouble with the local Icelandic elves?
posted by Bwithh at 11:07 AM on November 15, 2013


We Bought a Zoo 2: Antediluvian Boogaloo.
posted by Iridic at 11:08 AM on November 15, 2013 [12 favorites]


Man, Eddie Vedder is everywhere these days.
posted by narain at 11:09 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think unicorn is Ancientese for rhino?

Don't you know that the King James Version is the original script and the Inerrant (tm) Word of God? :P

(Yep, I'm being facetious for the funsies. Probably the writers meant some mountain goat or random ruminant)
posted by sukeban at 11:09 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think unicorn is Ancientese for rhino?

Likewise, "God" is Ancientese for "Weather."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [12 favorites]


Yes, 256! God is a dick in the Noah story, and throughout much of the Bible. It's why we love Him. Because He will SMITE YOU otherwise! Just like He did with Sodom and Gomorrah. Heck, that Job fella honored God more than anyone, and God let Satan do all kinds of evil shit to him. Yes, God is a dick!

The Noah Flood Story is integral to the development of the God character though. He kind of realizes what a dick he's been, and says He'll never do that particular dick move again.
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


NO, UNICORNS. I WANT UNICORNS ON MY BOAT.
posted by The Whelk at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013


But in this film, at least as the trailer presents it, Noah isn't the protagonist, God is. And he's a dick.

It's the Old Testament. There's, like, four paragraphs total where God isn't being a dick. It's almost like he had to send Jesus just to say "My bad."
posted by Thorzdad at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


Did the Hollywood people have any trouble with the local Icelandic elves?

Not since Orlando Bloom visited, no.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:12 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


No "based on a true story" title card? C'mon.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:14 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Rather than pen his own version, I wish Aronofsky had adapted Madeleine L'Engle's Many Waters, which goes all-in on the unicorns.
posted by Iridic at 11:15 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I can't believe they rebooted Evan Almighty already!
posted by blue_beetle at 11:15 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Scarface? The Godfather? Breaking Bad?

Himself. His very lack of omnipotence. Himself/Cancer.
posted by 256 at 11:16 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's really a shame Don LaFontaine isn't still around to cut a trailer for this: IN A WORLD THAT'S GONE TO HELL ... ONE MAN WILL BUILD A BOAT ...
posted by octobersurprise at 11:16 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


I'd be okay with the inclusion of unicorns, provided they handle it properly.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:18 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


There's, like, four paragraphs total where God isn't being a dick.

All of them being instances when some guy God decides to talk to says "hey, maybe less smiting?" and then they start hashing out exactly how much less and under what circumstances.

I suspect OT God can be tried under RICO just because all those 'sacrifices' seem to be a lot like protection money.
posted by griphus at 11:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: - a couple well-known Icelanders got to take part in the filming

Bjork and..... Bjork in a different hat.
posted by dr_dank at 11:22 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


She plays both swans.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:23 AM on November 15, 2013 [20 favorites]


I suspect OT God can be tried under RICO just because all those 'sacrifices' seem to be a lot like protection money.

The OT God always seemed too chaotic for organized crime. Like he just did what he wanted without thinking through the consequences, leaving a trail of broken people and destroyed lives in his wake. Less like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction, and more like Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:24 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


This is fun. I get to see how others view superhero movies these days. Will it be as realistic a depiction as possible, or will it be faithful to the source material? Because those two don't cross. A movie that looks to address both equally will be a failure, hated on both sides of the divide. A movie that strays too far to one side will be ridiculed by the other side, equally revered and reviled, and be a limited success. It needs to push far enough on one side to satisfy them without going so far as to alienate the other. From the trailer it sounds like it's tipping to the Biblical side, but then I hear religious test audiences were unhappy with it, so I have no idea how it will do.

Too much about the Noah story bugs me, so I don't think it's possible to make a version I'd like to see.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 11:25 AM on November 15, 2013


I honestly cannot imagine a way that this film will not be comedy gold. I can't wait.
posted by thivaia at 11:25 AM on November 15, 2013


I'm rather disappointed the line "He's going to destroy the world" wasn't followed by the click of a magazine sliding into a pistol and "...but not if I can help it."
posted by Greg Nog at 11:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [9 favorites]


Why is Noah WEARING PANTS?

Seriously, if Heston could make Biblical robes work as an action costume...
posted by warm_planet at 11:27 AM on November 15, 2013


Also at some point there should be a minor collision between two smaller boats and they should both explode into a dramatic fireball.
posted by elizardbits at 11:27 AM on November 15, 2013


I'm rather disappointed the line "He's going to destroy the world" wasn't followed by the click of a magazine sliding into a pistol and "...but not if I can help it."

Instead of building an arc, Noah beats God to death in a bare knuckle showdown in a rain storm. Basically, it's the ending to Lethal Weapon, only with fewer black people.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:30 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


only with fewer black people.

Judging by the current trailer, I mean.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:30 AM on November 15, 2013


If you're looking for a Christian-y gift for a kid, the most popular seem to be arc themed. Bib / lamp / &c with two donkeys, two elephants, &c. This always struck me as bizzare given the horrific nature of the story. Sure, two elephants were saved but there must have been thousands of rotting elephant corpses floating in the water along with those of the donkeys, people etc. Why is THAT the perfect story for young kids?
posted by TheShadowKnows at 11:31 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Noah runs in slow motion from an exploding dinosaur, lands in the mud next to Megan Fox.

"What's wrong?," she smirks. "You're acting like this is the end of the world."

Noah rolls his eyes. "I'm getting too old for this shit."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:31 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also all of the animals should be able to communicate telepathically with Noah.
posted by The Whelk at 11:32 AM on November 15, 2013


One: Shem needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine.
Two: Whenever Shem's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Shem?"
posted by Greg Nog at 11:34 AM on November 15, 2013 [10 favorites]


Remember in the first Spiderman movie where's a brief shot of a subway busker singing the Spiderman theme? Lacking unicorns, in this movie I'd like to see a cameo by Gordon Gano singing "It's Gonna Rain."
posted by octobersurprise at 11:36 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm rather disappointed the line "He's going to destroy the world" wasn't followed by the click of a magazine sliding into a pistol and "...but not if I can help it."
This reminds me that Macho Man Randy Savage died the day before the predicted Apocalypse a couple years ago, leading to one of my favorite pictures ever.
posted by Flunkie at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was hoping "He's going to destroy the world..." was going to followed by "...unless we stop him."

And then Kashmir starts playing.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


elizardbits: "I want there to be at least a 20 minute slapstick comedy montage where Noah and his family track down reluctant species of animal and coax them into the boat. Ideally this will be set to Yakety Sax."

Yeah, well I got news for you! I'm sick and tired of this whole mess. The whole neighborhood's out there laughing at me! They're all having a grand time at good ol' Noah there.

I went out there to my best friend, Larry: "I've been talking to the Lord, Larry." Larry said "Oh, really?" "Yeah! yeah! Lord, Larry, Larry, Lord." You walked off laughin'. And I hear 'em all laughing at me! You know I'm the only guy in this neighborhood with an Ark?!? People around here laughing, picket signs walking up and down. I'm sick and tired of this stuff here! People walking around here, "How you doin', Tarzan? How's everything up there?"

Sick and tired of this mess here! You supposed to know all and see all. You let me go out there and bring in a pregnant elephant! You give me no manual for delivery or nothing! Never told me the thing was pregnant. There's good old Naoh waitin' underneath the elephant there."

*Brrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooom*

Right on top of good ol' Noah. Sick and tired of this mess here. I've had enough! All this stuff for you runnin' around. You supposed to know all and see all, like I said before. You let me go out there and do all this stuff here. You never even looked in the bottom of that Ark! Have you looked down there? No? Who's gonna clean up that mess down there? That's me, that's who it is.

I tell you I've had enough of this stuff. I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm letting all these animals out, and I'm gonna burn down this Ark and I'm moving to Florida somewhere, 'cause you haven't done nothin'. I'm sick and tired of all this mess. You foolin' around. And you haven't done nothing!

[thunder and lightning]

And... you got... it... raining.

This is not a shower is it?

OK, Lord. Me and you, right?
posted by zarq at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


On non-preview: Curse you, Greg Nog! And smote you, too!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Like he just did what he wanted without thinking through the consequences, leaving a trail of broken people and destroyed lives in his wake.

"Hey, God, remember when you had me come up here for like a month and all those people were just hanging out because I brought them here and then vanished, stranding them in the desert with my older brother?"
"That sounds vaguely familiar."
"Well, it turns out that things didn't go so well and long story short he's got them worshipping a large hunk of metal."
"What?"
"Well, I mean, it's in the shape of a cow. And it's gold, so people like that."
"Didn't I tell them that they were only to..."
"Yeah, yeah, but, look, if I'm not down there, things go to shit pretty quickly so maybe we can make these meetings a little easier to get to?"
"I'll consider it. Now, about these calf-worshippers. How many are there?"
"Maybe three thousand that are really into it. The rest are just bored."
"Kill them."
"What, all of them?"
"No, just those three thousand. Make it look like they have a choice though."
"Uh, what about my brother? He started the whole thing."
"Hmm...he got all those people to worship an inanimate hunk of molten metal? Just, by, like, telling them to?"
"Basically. Look he's a good guy, he just gets a little mixed-up sometimes and..."
"Head priest."
"What?"
"Look, he clearly knows what he's doing. There's only so many camel-herders we need. This guy's good. Let's keep him around."
"...okay!"
posted by griphus at 11:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [23 favorites]


all I see is the most story destroying deus ex machina over and over again.

No, that's not what you see. Deus ex machina is when some powerful actor or force not previously mentioned in the story comes out of nowhere to fix everything. The reason it's a problem for plots is that the final resolution for the story is completely unjustified by anything that's happened in story so far. Doesn't even have to be divine intervention. Dorothy's freaking slippers are a deus ex machina in The Wizard of Oz, because tapping your heels together comes right the hell out of nowhere. Anything that swoops in to save the day at the last minute without any previous suggestion that said thing is in play is a deus ex machina.

This is a story about God acting in history. We know from the very outset that there's going to be divine intervention here, and the plot itself is about how that works itself out. You may not like that, but given that premise, having God do things is perfectly fine as far as the plot itself goes. If you don't want to watch a movie about God acting in history, watch a different movie. It's not exactly like this comes as a surprise.
posted by valkyryn at 11:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


And then Kashmir starts playing.

Surely When the Levee Breaks...
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:41 AM on November 15, 2013 [12 favorites]


Does it go into the part where repopulating the human race relies entirely on incest?
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:42 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


There is nothing in the cast listing re: who is going to play the Voice of God so I have decided it should be Fran Drescher.

She'd be my third choice, at best, after Keith Richards and Jackie Stewart.
posted by The World Famous at 11:43 AM on November 15, 2013


Ray Winston? I would have sworn that was Jon Favreau.
posted by gottabefunky at 11:43 AM on November 15, 2013


The market for fantasy pictures is still hot.

Adapted from the best selling novel!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:44 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


In purely dramatic terms, God telling Noah to build a boat isn't less believable than Obi-Wan telling Luke to go to the Dagobah system.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:45 AM on November 15, 2013


(Or Fool in the Rain)
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


And then Kashmir starts playing.
Surely When the Levee Breaks...
The Rain Song
posted by Flunkie at 11:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


MacArthur Park
posted by griphus at 11:46 AM on November 15, 2013


I hate this current style of art direction I blame on the Lord of the Rings movies: color filters on every scene, cg armies of weightless men blowing up, impossible overhead camera shots, cg that's not quite as convincing as they think, etc.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:48 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


In purely dramatic terms, God telling Noah to build a boat isn't less believable than Obi-Wan telling Luke to go to the Dagobah system.

Which makes Jar-Jar Binks... Moses?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:48 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


So Emma Watson gets left behind? "On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark"
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 11:49 AM on November 15, 2013


...And Emma Watson as the Ark.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:49 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


R2D2 is Moses and C3PO is Aaron.
posted by griphus at 11:50 AM on November 15, 2013


Instead of using CGI they should have shot it in the Aral Sea bed and used their massive, small-country-GDP Hollywood budget to flood it. That way they actually leave something better than they found it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:50 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Anthony Hopkins: 'I've already forgotten Thor: The Dark World'

Other choice quotes from Sir Anthony: "I'll act in anything, so long as the check clears."
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:52 AM on November 15, 2013


...used their massive, small-country-GDP Hollywood budget to flood it.
posted by George_Spiggott


Eponysteri-

[drowns]
posted by Iridic at 11:54 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd love this to have the same ending as Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Why not? They already ripped off Life of Brian for The Passion of the Christ.
posted by biffa at 11:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's all good news now, because we left the taps running for a hundred years. So drink into the drink...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:57 AM on November 15, 2013


So Emma Watson gets left behind?

Well she is a witch after all!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:58 AM on November 15, 2013


Does she weigh the same as a duck?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:59 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


God's got a quintillion planets to try again with but he won't stop dicking with this one.
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:01 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


In purely dramatic terms, God telling Noah to build a boat isn't less believable than Obi-Wan telling Luke to go to the Dagobah system.

The fact is, Obi-Wan didn't tell Luke to go to the Dagobah system. Luke was freezing to death and he had a delusional hallucination that he incorrectly interpreted as a vision from beyond. That green guy he met on Dagobah? Not Yoda at all. Not even real. Hallucination. Luke was all alone on that swamp planet running around for months, just making stuff up.
posted by The World Famous at 12:02 PM on November 15, 2013 [9 favorites]


i will watch this because a) clint mansell and b) i want to see noah fightin' round the world
posted by Lemmy Caution at 12:08 PM on November 15, 2013


Just say Noah
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:09 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


After seeing Les Misérables, I may never be able to take Russell Crowe seriously again.
posted by Jahaza at 12:10 PM on November 15, 2013


Not even real. Hallucination. Luke was all alone on that swamp planet running around for months, just making stuff up.

The fugue is a lie. Luke was cooking meth in the desert, when his landspeeder broke down.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:11 PM on November 15, 2013


The fact is, Obi-Wan didn't tell Luke to go to the Dagobah system.

No, in fact the only part of the whole saga that isn't part of a freaky drug induced vision quest/fantasy is the part where Luke gets hit in the head by the sand people and ends up in Old Ben's (Don Juan's) cave.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:14 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I will be quite disappointed if Aronofsky doesn't find a way to work in the line "ass to ass".
posted by me & my monkey at 12:19 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Dad, how should I arrange the pair of donkeys?"
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:20 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Not even real. Hallucination. Luke was all alone on that swamp planet running around for months, just making stuff up.

M. Night Shyamalan's Empire of Shadows
posted by griphus at 12:26 PM on November 15, 2013


TELL THE CICADAS TO SHUT UP
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:26 PM on November 15, 2013


There is nothing in the cast listing re: who is going to play the Voice of God so I have decided it should be Fran Drescher.

Duh? Stephen Fry as The Book Jeeves The Voice Of God.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:27 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Another one of those trailers that gives away the ending. Do they make it? Is the entire world destroyed? Well, I guess we know NOW.

Seriously though, I think this looks pretty cool. It's either going to be character driven or not, and I think it can succeed if it does the former very well. If not, no amount of anything else can save it.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:34 PM on November 15, 2013


No thanks, I am tired of the various universes in which the default voice of god is a white dude.
posted by elizardbits at 12:36 PM on November 15, 2013


I am tired of the various universes in which the default voice of god is a white dude.

I hear it's Morgan Freeman.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:38 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


It should be Beyonce.
posted by elizardbits at 12:38 PM on November 15, 2013


No thanks, I am tired of the various universes in which the default voice of god is a white dude.

I could really buy into Dave Chappelle as the voice of God. He could certainly convey His relentless peevishness.
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:39 PM on November 15, 2013


The Voice of God should be Chow Yun Fat, and spoken entirely in Mandarin.
posted by bl1nk at 12:42 PM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


And speaking of which, over 170 comments in and no WTF about the ancestors of modern humanity being played by white people?
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:43 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


My Christian friends are creaming themselves over this. Which ain't a good sign.
posted by Caskeum at 10:47 AM on November 15 [+] [!]

How are your pre-Christian friends reacting?
posted by Cranberry at 12:46 PM on November 15, 2013


Considering what is hanging up in every museum in every country that has a painting of Jesus, I can't really work up the anger to be mad at a major Hollywood production not starring an entire cast of Sephardi (Mizrahi?) Jews.
posted by griphus at 12:46 PM on November 15, 2013


Saw Danai Gurira, the actress who plays Michonne on The Walking Dead, interviewed on The Tavis Smiley show. She has an amazing voice. If her voice were the voice of God, things would be different around here, I'm telling you!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:46 PM on November 15, 2013


The voice of God should be GLaDOS.


"Yes I opened the heavens and the springs of the deep, and flooded the Earth; but at least I'm not the one who sailed off in a yacht and left all my friends and neighbors to drown. You monster."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:49 PM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


I have faith in Aronofsky.

All the caveats people have put forward about trailers apply here, particularly if the marketing is going to push this to an Evangelical audience. By necessity any previews are going to be unfortunately light on the six-armed angels that have been mentioned here and there in interviews. If Aronofsky made a spaceship out of a tree and a bubble in The Fountain (and made it spectacular), can't wait to see what he does with this.

Actually if he makes it like The Fountain in terms of awe and spectacle I'll be more than happy.
posted by ocular shenanigans at 12:49 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Voice of God should be Chow Yun Fat, and spoken entirely in Mandarin.

Sure, if you buy that whole "made in His image" stuff.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:50 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


The Great Flood Story is a far-reaching, almost universal myth.

Yes; would have been nice to see one of the other versions. Maybe even one of the ones (sharp intake of breath) which is older than the Old Testament.
posted by Segundus at 12:54 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


no WTF about the ancestors of modern humanity being played by white people

what are you talking about, jesus was a blond haired blue eyed dude

that was how they knew he was special, he was the only blond haired blue eyed dude in town
posted by elizardbits at 12:56 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Best Bartender In The Workd was the voice of God in some National Geographic thing a decade or so ago, so Id be totally fine if God sounded like a New England showgirl with a few decades of whiskey and cigarettes behind her.
posted by The Whelk at 12:56 PM on November 15, 2013


Woudn't it be funny if God was pulling another Isaac gag? "Ha! Just kidding. Nice boat, though."
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:57 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Sorry about the missus and the children, Job. Here, have another wife."
posted by sukeban at 12:58 PM on November 15, 2013


Yes; would have been nice to see one of the other versions. Maybe even one of the ones (sharp intake of breath) which is older than the Old Testament.

I'm sure you can find the Egyptian flood/creation myth reenacted online at a porn site that specializes in men masturbating in a bath tub/hot tub/swimming pool.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:58 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


The voice of God should be GLaDOS

the arc is a lie
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:59 PM on November 15, 2013


Master and Commander is actually good. Crowe can turn out a decent performance when he wants to.

He's also very well cast in Master and Commander: Jack Aubrey's written as impulsive, sometimes foolish, often almost brutish, and Crowe fit that role perfectly.

After seeing Les Misérables, I may never be able to take Russell Crowe seriously again.

Poor fella; he looked in his big number like he was trying so hard, but he simply didn't have the voice to pull it off. (And snark about his singing aside, a poor fit in the role I thought: Javert's supposed to be cold, precise, clipped; not a hothead.)
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:00 PM on November 15, 2013


There is nothing in the cast listing re: who is going to play the Voice of God...

It should have been Alan Arkin.

And Noah should have been played by Adam Arkin.

And the title should have been Arkin' Around.
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:00 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


The Gnostic version of the old myths is always better than the originals. They not only should have gone with the Gnostic version but carried it a bit farther to merge the Bible with the Avengers canon.

The god of the flood was an evil god and his name was Loki. Every now and then, he'd let his beard grow out, ditch his winter furs, put on robes and sandals, and then show up in the middle east to fuck with the locals, calling himself Jehovah.

He screws with Noah and convinces him the world is going to end with water, gets him to build an ark and fill it top to bottom with quarrelsome animals. And then he does create a big flood, however one that just covers a few square miles or so, but this is convincing enough for Noah, the backwoods yokel, who will think the world ended.

Loki will go on to pull the longest long con ever, starting with his visit to Abraham and followed with wacky shenanigans over the course of 4000+ years, but that's certainly too much for one film.

Anyways, the Bible does make a lot more sense, especially the Old Testament, if you think of it as trolling by a bored trickster god.

Would be a nice setup for the next Avengers flick.
posted by honestcoyote at 1:01 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Interior of ship. Noah is asleep on a rickety bunk, surrounded by various animals. He is startled awake by a thundering crash and rushes to the deck to find a gigantic ship passing by

Noah: Who the hell are you?!

Capt. Smith: We're the Titanic, headed to New York. Who are you?

Noah: Oh, uh… we're an… iceberg, uh, going to the… North Pole?

Capt. Smith: Well, carry on then! Our ship is unsinkablllllllllllllllle!

Noah turns to face animals

Noah: Let's haul ass!

Donkey wearing cool shades brays with excitement
posted by Turkey Glue at 1:04 PM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


And speaking of which, over 170 comments in and no WTF about the ancestors of modern humanity being played by white people?

I think we're all just relieved that Aronofsky picked someone other than Jared Leto, Mickey Rourke, or Hugh Jackman to play Noah. Then again, Crowe seems pretty predictable as the next name on that list.
posted by The World Famous at 1:06 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


OMG Sam Jackson as the voice of God. "Noah, point the Ark South." "But we have no compass, Lord!" "Is the sun coming up?"
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:07 PM on November 15, 2013


OMG Sam Jackson as the voice of God

Get those motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking ark.
posted by dortmunder at 1:16 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.

Yeah - didn't really have to change that one.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:21 PM on November 15, 2013


"Sorry about the missus and the children, Job. Here, have another wife."

You know, I wish I could find the comment someone made about the Book of Job which totally recast it for me - there's this passage in the Book of Job which usually gets interpreted as Job just generally complaining that his life sucks. But - and it kills me I can't find it - someone left a comment a while back that discussed a totally different interpretation, which is that that passage is Job calling God out on His bullshit, and thus the reason that God gives Job another wife is because God came to a much more sincere realization that "wow, yeah, you're right, I totally was being a Dick. Damn, I'm sorry."

I just tried to find it and link to it, without much success (searching for "Job" in the comment here was less than fruitful).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:23 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I had that one saved in Google Reader. Alas.
posted by The World Famous at 1:27 PM on November 15, 2013


There's no way this will be better than Jonathan Goldstein's telling.
posted by benito.strauss at 1:28 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Wait, "...despite the six-armed angels"? Can we get a count on the wings, eyes, mouths, and faces?

If your answers are "2, 2, 1, 1", then you're probably deviating from the Bible. If you have to use exponential notation, on the other hand, then you're on the right track. (Extra points if they're on fire.)

Honestly, if you're blowing your FX budget on rendering giant waves instead of biblically-correct angels, you would seem to be missing a great opportunity.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 1:30 PM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


The Gnostic version of the old myths is always better than the originals.

Gnosticism is fascinating to me. How does a just and loving God do terrible things? He doesn't. That's this other God, the one actually running the Earth. Why doesn't the good one stop the bad one? He can't. He's not a part of the physical realm; you have to go to him. Instead of the acrobatics required in resolving these two facets of God, into one, they don't even go there. If this were a crime novel, you'd be inclined to think there were two parties at work here. It's a pretty practical approach.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:31 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I dunno, I think killing off everybody except this one supposedly sinless guy and his family's got a bit of Pelagian heresy about it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:33 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


EmpressCallipygos: Here you go
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:34 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I will be quite disappointed if Aronofsky doesn't find a way to work in the line "ass to ass".

INT. ARK -- LATE AT NIGHT

Candles burn inside the ark as the camera looks down the ramp to Crowe's NOAH. The ping pong balls on his CGI motion suit are bobbling madly as the actor walks hurriedly and angrily and adverbily up a plywood plank. Computer-generated storm clouds build in the air behind NOAH. Logan Lerman's HAM is in his own motion suit, looking harried and tired from the 42nd take of pushing empty air.

HAM
Father, these animals cannot fit into
such small confinement. Any more lemurs and
we shall run out of space for these donkeys!


A frustrated HAM mimes the effort needed to push more empty air around. An enraged NOAH stops short and focuses on his son.

NOAH
Kid, we're running out of time!
I keep telling you: Ass to ass!
ASS TO ASS!


EXT. ARK RAMP - EXTREME CLOSEUP ON NOAH

NOAH turns away and storms down the plywood, leaving HAM to push around more empty air. A foley artist off-screen shakes out a piece of sheet metal to give the backdrop of thunder. We hear NOAH mumble to himself.

NOAH
Only three days until retirement.
I'm getting too old for this shit!


posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:46 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Read the review of the script FJT posted, and (spoilers I guess?) I for one will be very disappointed if there's not a Scooby Dooby Doors chase sequence with Noah and Akkad inside the ark.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:53 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


There better be a video game of this movie
posted by Bwithh at 1:59 PM on November 15, 2013


It's already based on a video game.
posted by The World Famous at 2:01 PM on November 15, 2013


Reading that thread about Job, I'm reminded again that Ezekiel really needs to be cinematized. I know most CGI fans would reach for Revelations, and sure, that's the safe choice. Ezekiel just has that special strain of WTF that I would love to see on the big screen.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:05 PM on November 15, 2013


"Noah approaches a race of giant six-armed [but wingless] angels known as the "Watchers" to rally them to his cause."

Graphic novel visualization here

Hmmm.
posted by Bwithh at 2:07 PM on November 15, 2013


Ezekiel just has that special strain of WTF that I would love to see on the big screen.

You mean like this?
posted by Bwithh at 2:10 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think I would love a movie in which it turns out the weirder Gnostic texts contain the actual inerrantly correct truths about the universe.

Starring Nic Cage as the reluctant hero and a CGI composite of a sea anemone and some old screen tests of Marlon Brando as Ialdabaoth
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:16 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


As Uncle Shelby told us a while ago, the unicorns were playing games and were late for the ark.
posted by Hactar at 2:27 PM on November 15, 2013


zarq: "OK, Lord. Me and you, right?"


[beat]
[beat]
....RIGHT!
posted by notsnot at 2:54 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


There's, like, four paragraphs total where God isn't being a dick.

One of my Catholic friends was taken aback when I pointed out that we Jews think it's perfectly cool to tell the Big Guy to, you know, just quit being a jerk. I mean, sure, He smites, but He can also appreciate a good argument now and again.
posted by thomas j wise at 2:57 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


That Old Testament God fella is as big of an asshole as Orson Scott Card, who's film is on track to grossing well below its $110M production budget, in significant part due to the boycott... so I have no problem with boycotting God and all his for-profit business endeavors, until he and his cronies stop being such asses.

It's a shame that Russell Crowe and got involved with such a shady character. I know that Crowe has been a bit of an ass in the past, but I had hope for him... but if you're hanging with invisible "let's kill nearly everyone and start over" / "kill everyone in the city and kill your wife for looking back, because I want to see you make it with your young daughters" creep like God, well... that's not only irrational, but it's also unkind. It's sad to say, but Russell Crowe is being the worst kind of enabler, while still pocketing his thirty pieces of silver.

I mean, I can understand why Jesus was too good a person to rip upon his own dad, but he also said that his dad's rules mostly didn't apply to him, which was a positive thing, frankly, that resonates with others who have had an abusive father.

...that said, if Jesus keeps doing things with Mel Gibson, I just might start boycotting him too.
posted by markkraft at 2:59 PM on November 15, 2013


Did we watch the same trailer? Jesus, I hope the movie is nothing like the trailer, which makes it seem like some terribly bad action film incredibly loosely based on its source material. But given the scenes in the trailer, it's hard to imagine that being possible.
posted by SollosQ at 3:05 PM on November 15, 2013


At best, this movie is a work of fiction, about a God that does not exist and holds humanity back, while indulging its audience with a profoundly antisocial bit of wish fulfillment, where the message is "I've got mine..." as he intentionally leaves his neighbors behind, with no hope or opportunity for human redemption.

At worst, it's true, and celebrates the first genocide, committed by a vengeful God who doesn't deserve to be worshiped and who should just go away already.
posted by markkraft at 3:11 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


At best, this movie is a work of fiction, about a God that does not exist and holds humanity back, while indulging its audience with a profoundly antisocial bit of wish fulfillment, where the message is "I've got mine..." as he intentionally leaves his neighbors behind, with no hope or opportunity for human redemption.

At best? I can think of a few at betters than that.

At worst, it's true, and celebrates the first genocide, committed by a vengeful God who doesn't deserve to be worshiped and who should just go away already.

Again, I can think of worse. For example, it could have a middle part where Russell Crowe eats chips and tells stories about his romantic exploits for half an hour.
posted by The World Famous at 3:14 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


The World Famous: "a middle part where Russell Crowe eats chips and tells stories about his romantic exploits for half an hour."

Good lord. Anything but that.

No one expects the Australian Exposition.
posted by zarq at 3:22 PM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


markkraft: " It's sad to say, but Russell Crowe is being the worst kind of enabler, while still pocketing his thirty pieces of silver. "

Enabler of what, exactly?
posted by zarq at 3:22 PM on November 15, 2013


Again, I can think of worse. For example, it could have a middle part where Russell Crowe eats chips and tells stories about his romantic exploits for half an hour.

Obviously we're discounting Russell Crowe's band here.
posted by Kitteh at 3:23 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Obviously we're discounting Russell Crowe's band here.

Aaaand I think I'm going to be participating on the other side of atheism threads from here on out.
posted by The World Famous at 3:26 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


I would love to see a Noah movie that takes seriously the psychological impact of being trapped on a zoo boat for an entire year while everyone in the world except your immediate family drowns and all the cities are washed away. To see him get off the boat, clear away the bones and bodies and start planting, rebuilding. No wonder the guy got wasted. Grizzled, drunken Noah with the worst case of survivor's guilt in history, naked and roaring, cursing his son.

I do hope this movie gets the rainbow right. I was not, as most Christians seem to believe, God's promise to us never to do that again. It was his reminder to himself--an eternally recurring message to the Almighty that he destroyed almost all earthly life once and regretted it. It's God leaving himself a note not to go down that road again.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 3:30 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I want the Noah's Ark movie about all the people who died.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:39 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


There better be a video game of this movie
here you go
posted by Flunkie at 4:15 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Evangelicals are going to eat this movie up with a spoon. It has everything: the lone Godly man listening to God when no one else will, and the violent destruction of everyone who goes against him. This is about me!!!, they'll squeal in their seats.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:16 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I will see this once it has been confirmed that there are 2-3 scenes in which Noah uses a 3d animal management interface projecting from his neck to keep track of the animals he has collected, and it is never addressed or explained.
posted by passerby at 4:17 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I want the Noah's Ark movie where he collects all the animals, two by two, "SO I CAN WATCH 'EM FUCK."

And he says that really creepily and grossly, but the scene is lit, shot, and scored as if this is a triumphant fulfillment of God's will.

And then the rest of the movie is just animals fucking.
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:20 PM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


The only redeeming thing about this film is who the money from all those "Born Agains" is going to go to...

Writer / Director / Producer Darren Aronofsky, who has a kid to support after his "living in sin" relationship with Rachel Weisz, was an active fundraiser for President Obama.

Clint Mansell, who is doing yet another Aronofsky soundtrack, was the singer / guitarist for Pop Will Eat Itself. He's a close friend of Trent Reznor, has no obvious religious beliefs, and is known to reblog things by the group Anonymous.

Emma Watson was born in Paris, France, and has stated that Barack Obama is one of her heroes.

Jennifer Connelly was brought up without religion at all, and voted for Obama.

Anthony Hopkins found his God in rehab, at the bottom of a bottle... but says he believes in "Einstein's God" and that “Everything is God. Everything is particle physics.” When he's not acting, Hopkins is involved with the environmental organization Greenpeace.

At least the money isn't going to Mel Gibson!
posted by markkraft at 4:24 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


For the record I will also accept a scene after the credits where a damp, tattooed giraffe hoof-claws itself onto a rocky beach, rears back and opens its maw and there is a tenth-second of horrid scream before a hard cut to black.
posted by passerby at 4:40 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


It's already based on a video game.

I hope you're referring to Pokémon
posted by aubilenon at 4:43 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Isn't Thunderball the one where God is going to get Noah, but then at the last moment Noah flicks a switch on his control panel, and the front half of his ark becomes a hydrofoil and he gets away? Or is it the one with the big fight scene with all the scuba guys with knives? I can never remember which is which.
posted by newdaddy at 4:44 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I hope you're referring to Pokémon

Are you kidding? Everybody knows the story of Noah is based on BurgerTime for Intellivision.
posted by The World Famous at 4:46 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


There is also a time traveling contradiction, since the laws regarding clean and unclean animals aren't in the bible until the time of Moses, which is many generations after the Noah's Ark bits. So, yeah, go go consistency in myths.

Or perhaps you could assume that God clarified clean/unclean for Noah and the details were not included in the write-up and leaving the rules lists to Leviticus. I see no conflict between this and God giving the clean/unclean rules to Moses too.

The story is ridiculous enough on its own; one needn't make up new problems.
posted by mountmccabe at 4:47 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would so watch a BurgerTime movie. Especially one directed by Aronofsky.
posted by mountmccabe at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Again, I can think of worse. For example, it could have a middle part where Russell Crowe eats chips and tells stories about his romantic exploits for half an hour.
Obviously we're discounting Russell Crowe's band here.


Obviously you're discounting Russel Crowe's Band here…
posted by Pinback at 4:49 PM on November 15, 2013


Ahh yes, 30 Odd Cubit of Grunts
posted by mountmccabe at 4:53 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Remember in the first Spiderman movie where's a brief shot of a subway busker singing the Spiderman theme? Lacking unicorns, in this movie I'd like to see a cameo by Gordon Gano singing "It's Gonna Rain."

Another option: Here's Your Future by the Thermals. This song (and this album) bring to the forefront how terrible these stories are.

These would also work well for end credits and alternate trailer accompaniment.
posted by mountmccabe at 5:21 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I really dislike Aronofsky apart from Black Swan and the Wrestler, but I actually sort of want to see this just because of how ridiculous it seems.
posted by codacorolla at 5:41 PM on November 15, 2013


Snakes on Boat

Starring that guy from Spartacus and the wizard Hermione.
posted by Mojojojo at 7:37 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm having an interesting conversation with someone elsewhere about what a rich source for art the old myths are. I don't know the guy well enough to really unleash my geekery - so I didn't get into the whole Jungian-archetype aspect of why myths can often resonate with us on such a psychological level. Whether or not the facts are true is sometimes beside the point - are the EMOTIONS true, is the question.

And y'know, maybe the reason that the stories of Job or Noah resonate with us isn't because of the "God will save us" bit or "God will smite the unworthy" bit, but maybe it's the survivors' guilt aspect that gets us. We've all had loss - some have had bigger losses than others. But we've all had a lot of loss, we've all had things fall down and totally go boom. Job deals with a personal level of loss; Noah deals with losing a society through a natural disaster. Yeah okay whatever, they get the family back or they get a pretty new earth back or whatever blah blah blah, but the real point is that they also see the same shit we see and they also feel that same sense of loss we feel, and that is what resonates with us, I think. That rock-bottom place. They've been there - like we have. Forget what God or whoever does with them the point is they've been in the shit and they still are able to go forward out of it. That's what's so intense is because we've been in the shit too and are looking for a way out.

committed by a vengeful God who doesn't deserve to be worshiped and who should just go away already.

Can we not do this?....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:43 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Job deals with a personal level of loss; Noah deals with losing a society through a natural disaster.

So you're saying Job's Batman and Noah is Superman?
posted by aubilenon at 1:05 AM on November 16, 2013


This is a real movie that actually got made?
posted by empath at 3:20 AM on November 16, 2013


What an odd thing.

I have to support such an insane act of filmmaking on principle, at least.
posted by Grangousier at 4:13 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hopefully the film will include the time the Ark got raided by Vikings.
posted by homunculus at 1:24 PM on November 16, 2013


look, the Metatron is Booger. what are you expecting?
posted by dorian at 1:50 PM on November 16, 2013


Good to know. I was always confused by "two of each animal". Okay, the two animals mate and then their offspring... mate with each other?

And this is why Adam and Eve never made sense to me.

I think maybe Cain killed Abel because Abel was trying to mate with him. Abel was the first man to die... and the first one to die from a hate crime.
posted by crossoverman at 5:39 PM on November 16, 2013


Let's not forget Seth And Some Other Sons And Daughters, appearing nightly at the Cabana Room Lounge!
posted by The Whelk at 5:48 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Good to know. I was always confused by "two of each animal". Okay, the two animals mate and then their offspring... mate with each other?

No matter what some dumbass Christian says, the story of Noah makes it pretty obvious that God and Jaysus are down with the ghays. That was a primo opportunity to wipe out the Unclean and He and His Son didn't take it. Either they are Cool or they are the biggest Wusses in philosophical history.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:19 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Good to know. I was always confused by "two of each animal". Okay, the two animals mate and then their offspring... mate with each other?"

"And this is why Adam and Eve never made sense to me.
"
The obvious answer is incest, which genesis is even pretty explicit about.

Ken Ham and company with the creation museum explain away the ick by saying, correctly, that incest is bad because of recessive harmful traits that children of incest get double whammies of and, incorrectly, that these recessive traits have built up slowly since 'the fall' and weren't present in the same way in Adam and Eve or their immediate descendants.

Of course the vast majority of churches no longer see either the story of Adam and Eve or that of Noah as a scientifically accurate account of the natural history of humanity, and for most of us these kinds of questions become trivial to the message these stories convey to us.
posted by Blasdelb at 5:06 AM on November 18, 2013


"At best, this movie is a work of fiction, about a God that does not exist and holds humanity back, while indulging its audience with a profoundly antisocial bit of wish fulfillment, where the message is "I've got mine..." as he intentionally leaves his neighbors behind, with no hope or opportunity for human redemption.

At worst, it's true, and celebrates the first genocide, committed by a vengeful God who doesn't deserve to be worshiped and who should just go away already.
"
I've got a joke for you,

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes, but at least one crowds around the old bulb to recite Bible verses at it until it changes itself while at least one more complains about the darkness around them.

This seems to happen in most threads even tangentially related to Christianity, or even in this case Jewish myths, but it is a strangely familiar variety of assaholism. Where the point is clearly not to serve as part of a conversation, or convince anyone of anything, or even just communicate anything other than a hostility meant to establish the piety of the speaker. Its a shitty and embarrassing thing to do.
posted by Blasdelb at 5:27 AM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]


Pater Aletheias: " I do hope this movie gets the rainbow right. I was not, as most Christians seem to believe, God's promise to us never to do that again. It was his reminder to himself--an eternally recurring message to the Almighty that he destroyed almost all earthly life once and regretted it. It's God leaving himself a note not to go down that road again."

I believe mainstream religious Judaism sees the rainbow as both. The rainbow is G-d's first covenant with humanity -- a promise to us that he will not ever again destroy us with a flood. My understanding is that we consider it a reminder for both G-d and humanity. The Torah's passage about the covenant (Genesis 9) appears to support this:
And God spoke unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying:
ט וַאֲנִי, הִנְנִי מֵקִים אֶת-בְּרִיתִי אִתְּכֶם, וְאֶת-זַרְעֲכֶם, אַחֲרֵיכֶם. 9
'As for Me, behold, I establish My covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
י וְאֵת כָּל-נֶפֶשׁ הַחַיָּה אֲשֶׁר אִתְּכֶם, בָּעוֹף בַּבְּהֵמָה וּבְכָל-חַיַּת הָאָרֶץ אִתְּכֶם; מִכֹּל יֹצְאֵי הַתֵּבָה, לְכֹל חַיַּת הָאָרֶץ. 10
and with every living creature that is with you, the fowl, the cattle, and every beast of the earth with you; of all that go out of the ark, even every beast of the earth.
יא וַהֲקִמֹתִי אֶת-בְּרִיתִי אִתְּכֶם, וְלֹא-יִכָּרֵת כָּל-בָּשָׂר עוֹד מִמֵּי הַמַּבּוּל; וְלֹא-יִהְיֶה עוֹד מַבּוּל, לְשַׁחֵת הָאָרֶץ. 11
And I will establish My covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of the flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.'
יב וַיֹּאמֶר אֱלֹהִים, זֹאת אוֹת-הַבְּרִית אֲשֶׁר-אֲנִי נֹתֵן בֵּינִי וּבֵינֵיכֶם, וּבֵין כָּל-נֶפֶשׁ חַיָּה, אֲשֶׁר אִתְּכֶם--לְדֹרֹת, עוֹלָם. 12
And God said: 'This is the token of the covenant which I make between Me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
יג אֶת-קַשְׁתִּי, נָתַתִּי בֶּעָנָן; וְהָיְתָה לְאוֹת בְּרִית, בֵּינִי וּבֵין הָאָרֶץ. 13
I have set My bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between Me and the earth.
יד וְהָיָה, בְּעַנְנִי עָנָן עַל-הָאָרֶץ, וְנִרְאֲתָה הַקֶּשֶׁת, בֶּעָנָן. 14
And it shall come to pass, when I bring clouds over the earth, and the bow is seen in the cloud,
טו וְזָכַרְתִּי אֶת-בְּרִיתִי, אֲשֶׁר בֵּינִי וּבֵינֵיכֶם, וּבֵין כָּל-נֶפֶשׁ חַיָּה, בְּכָל-בָּשָׂר; וְלֹא-יִהְיֶה עוֹד הַמַּיִם לְמַבּוּל, לְשַׁחֵת כָּל-בָּשָׂר. 15 that I will remember My covenant, which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
טז וְהָיְתָה הַקֶּשֶׁת, בֶּעָנָן; וּרְאִיתִיהָ, לִזְכֹּר בְּרִית עוֹלָם, בֵּין אֱלֹהִים, וּבֵין כָּל-נֶפֶשׁ חַיָּה בְּכָל-בָּשָׂר אֲשֶׁר עַל-הָאָרֶץ. 16
And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.'
יז וַיֹּאמֶר אֱלֹהִים, אֶל-נֹחַ: זֹאת אוֹת-הַבְּרִית, אֲשֶׁר הֲקִמֹתִי, בֵּינִי, וּבֵין כָּל-בָּשָׂר אֲשֶׁר עַל-הָאָרֶץ. {פ} 17
And God said unto Noah: 'This is the token of the covenant which I have established between Me and all flesh that is upon the earth.'
There is also a specific prayer in the Talmud that Jews may recite when they see a rainbow: "Blessed art Thou, O Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who rememberest the covenant, art faithful to thy covenant, and keepest thy promise."
posted by zarq at 7:19 AM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


EmpressCallipygos: " Can we not do this?...."

Axe grinders gonna axe grind.
posted by zarq at 7:20 AM on November 18, 2013


"And I will establish My covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of the flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. And God said: 'This is the token of the covenant which I make between Me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations..." *

*Offer does not include pestilence, war, famine, death, tsunamis, hurricanes, global warming, or other Acts of God. Offer not valid in Hawaii, Florida, or in areas not permitted by law.
posted by markkraft at 10:55 AM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


I really hope they're paying you.
posted by griphus at 11:09 AM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


markkraft, the passage is about the destruction of all life on the entire planet.

Disasters happen. Unjustified suffering happens. People die. Mainstream Jewish theology teaches that how we act in response is more important than blaming an unknowable deity for life being unfair. At least, that's my understanding of it.

For the most part, Jews believe they have free will. We are generally encouraged to focus on our ability to do good works and on our own power and agency. On the things we can control. As such, we are accountable to ourselves and each other for our own actions and responses in life.

I am not an expert in Christian philosophy, but my understanding is that this aspect of the Jewish view is markedly different.

Also, to nitpick, war should not be on your list. Global warming probably shouldn't be either. They are not "Acts of God" but rather "Acts of Man."
posted by zarq at 11:32 AM on November 18, 2013


Actually, I'm more surprised markkraft is getting the contractual-law verbiage wrong - his jokey "disclaimer" is clearly meant to imply "ooh God's trying to weasel out of the contract", but is completely overlooking that the exact clause markkraft quoted doesn't even make the claim that God will abstain from any of these exceptions in the first place.

Whether or not you feel God should have claimed to avoid any of these other means of world destruction is a separate issue - but dammit, if you're gonna use contract law as a tool of satire, at least have a proper understanding of contract law language, you know?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


EmpressCallipygos: "Actually, I'm more surprised markkraft is getting the contractual-law verbiage wrong - his jokey "disclaimer" is clearly meant to imply "ooh God's trying to weasel out of the contract", but is completely overlooking that the exact clause markkraft quoted doesn't even make the claim that God will abstain from any of these exceptions in the first place. "

Heh.
posted by zarq at 12:23 PM on November 18, 2013


"ooh God's trying to weasel out of the contract"

Not really. More "God is an invisible superfriend who's word is as credible as the superstitious guys who wrote it." Our notions of God are quite literally incredible, and will not save you from your mistakes or his. Not that he exists and is capable of making mistakes. In truth, bad things just happen. Acts of God aren't. The only contract that exists in Moses is between a scared human who wants reassurance and a superstitious, self-serving clergy thousands of years ago who made up such comforting sounds.

The ridiculous aspect here is talking about God and his contract as if there were valid reasons to believe such a thing, other than the possible health and stress benefits of lying to yourself about the fundamental nature of life.

(Besides, Harvey told me that God was lying his ass off, and he should know, because he's a pooka.)
posted by markkraft at 3:05 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, and "pestilence, war, famine, death" is a direct reference to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

(Yeah, I know, it's from the unauthorized sequel, but it was the top selling Horror fiction for hundreds of years, and gave birth to several successful film adaptations. It would've been better if Stephen King had written it, though.)

From a modern Christian viewpoint, God can, in fact, cause wars... and global warming is, more often than not, viewed as a hoax perpetrated by leftist intellectuals to control us. Both of these beliefs are, of course, patently ridiculous.
posted by markkraft at 3:20 PM on November 18, 2013


I'm writing this not as a Christian but just as another incorrigible Geek who loves studying this shit,
"God is an invisible superfriend who's word is as credible as the superstitious guys who wrote it."
Not everything in the Torah and New Testament is pretty, much less holds up to every lens applied to it, but dude, look at yourself. You've found yourself ignorant in a room full of people with a fairly intimate knowledge of the two and a half thousand years of scholarship surrounding this book that you plainly know nothing meaningful about and the best you can do is flail around trying to insult people with poorly examined dogma and sarcasm that is more incoherent than clever. What The Fuck? You've already made clear your status as self-important and pious and whatever the opposite of sheeple is, do you really need to derail the tail end of this thread too?
"Oh, and "pestilence, war, famine, death" is a direct reference to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

(Yeah, I know, it's from the unauthorized sequel, but it was the top selling Horror fiction for hundreds of years, and gave birth to several successful film adaptations. It would've been better if Stephen King had written it, though.)
"
That doesn't make sense according to either the Preterist or Prophetic interpretations of the passage in the Apocalypse of John(6:1-8), and the book is plainly an eschatological thriller not horror. You conspicuously lack the religious literacy to engage in a discussion of either Jewish or Christian theology with any authority in a coherent much less productive way, and no, your ignorance is nothing to be proud of. You should quit while you're behind before EmpressCallipygos wipes the floor with you.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:14 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]


[Folks at the point at which you are just having the same old argument about religion and not actually addressing the topic of the the thread anymore you should take it to MeMail. Thank you. ]
posted by jessamyn at 4:17 PM on November 18, 2013


This trailer is slightly different in places. I'm tempted to go watch the movie to see what Icelandic scenery and views they've used. Because, well, Iceland.
posted by Wordshore at 10:59 AM on November 19, 2013


Frankly I'll be disappointed if God isn't played by James Mason, Noah isn't played by Sean Connery, and the Ark isn't a speedboat which will make for great photos for the people in the bible.
posted by Len at 6:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


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