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November 15, 2013 10:31 AM   Subscribe

Apparently we've been eating apples incorrectly. If each of us eats an apple a day, and we are all wasting 30 percent of our apples at $1.30 per pound, that's about $42 wasted per person per year—which is $13.2 billion annually, thrown in the trash or fed to pigs.
Taking a cue from a video entitled "How to eat an apple like a Boss", the Atlantic encourages us to be less wasteful.
posted by arcticseal (162 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
"Creeping shits, man! Must you do that? You know the black alchemists make fish poison from the seeds of those damn things."
posted by WidgetAlley at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2013 [10 favorites]


oh my god if I saw someone doing that in public I would alert Men In Black immediately
posted by theodolite at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2013 [31 favorites]


The video says at the end, "don't eat the seeds, but doesn't give much advice on avoiding them. I guess if you eat from the bottom, they wouldn't be too hard to pick out. I'll have to try this.
posted by rikschell at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2013


I've been eating my apples that way for years. Admittedly I do it mostly for shock value.
posted by zinon at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


That's just freaky weird, man.
posted by slogger at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2013


Um, what about the stem? Am I supposed to let it logjam through my colon? Is there a prize when I recognize it later?
posted by Renoroc at 10:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [21 favorites]


I slice my apples into quarters and cut out the round bit in the middle. Don't need any extra stuff in my teeth.
posted by cthuljew at 10:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [13 favorites]


I always think it's weird when people throw away apples with a ton of flesh left on the top and bottom. I always pull out the stem, eat the top and bottom and am left with a tiny star-shaped translucent pouch of seeds which I throw in the compost.
posted by 256 at 10:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


I eat two apples a day. That's down from the years when I was eating four+ apples a day. I have eaten apples like that since early childhood. (Well, I eat from the sides, but I eat the core and seeds). I am getting close to forty and exhibit no signs of cyanide poisoning.

By all means don't eat the seeds, but it's not going to kill you if you do.
posted by YAMWAK at 10:41 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


If each of us eats an apple a day...

False premise.

I don't see the relevance of eating from a particular direction when the difference is that you eat the core.

Also, if you live near an Apple orchard, go visit and look on the ground under the trees around harvest time, and then complain about wasted apples. There are hundreds of them sitting there rotting under every tree.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 10:41 AM on November 15, 2013 [16 favorites]


Hooray, another task that I have to min/max (OK, just max) and perform "like a boss." Sigh.

I eat the juicy, delicious parts of apples. The stem is gross and so is that belly-button thing at the bottom. The seeds are bad for you and the core flesh around the seeds is hard and usually more bitter/astringent. I compost, so some nearby organism benefits from the last 30% of the apple even if I don't; it's not "wasted." So there.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 10:42 AM on November 15, 2013 [54 favorites]


Isn't this partly possible thanks to modern apple breeding? My memory is apples 20+ years ago had much woodier cores. Now I need to go visit an old apple orchard gone feral.
posted by Nelson at 10:42 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


He's gonna grow an apple tree in his tummy.
posted by Mr.Me at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2013 [16 favorites]


I eat the whole thing, including seeds, have since childhood. Haven't died yet! I will, but probably not from apple seeds.
posted by sonmi at 10:44 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Cyanide
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:44 AM on November 15, 2013


Apple seeds don't contain much cyanide, and the cyanide precursors they do contain are rapidly metabolized.
posted by kenko at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2013


There's no way I'm going to eat my apples like this, but I have to give you a golf clap for the title of the post. :)
posted by blurker at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [9 favorites]


Cyanide
posted by 256 at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


le me, appleing like a bau5.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I eat the whole thing, including seeds, have since childhood. The only thing left is the stem, which I use to pick my teeth.

I go in from the side, to the core; eat the core carefully, then the bottom, remaining side, then the top.
posted by jazon at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2013


How not to eat an apple like a boss: red delicious.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:49 AM on November 15, 2013 [42 favorites]


Eh, maybe. I eat the entire apple if I'm in the car and don't have anywhere to put the core.

On the other hand, this cupcake thing is genius.
posted by Ham Snadwich at 10:49 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


Cyanide

Now I'm just waiting for the apple-based reboot of Dahl's short story The Landlady, where instead of tea the kindly old lady passes Billy a tray full of like 50 apples and instructs him to eat them like a boss.
posted by phunniemee at 10:49 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


Yup. I usually eat everything, seeds included. I ain't died yet. I find the best technique is to eat as you normally would, but when you're down to just the core (where most folks quit), you bite off the bottom and then bite off the top (careful of the stem). Then you're left with a little packet of cellulose and seeds that you can toss. Easy peasy.
posted by that's candlepin at 10:49 AM on November 15, 2013


Oh Shit. If we eat all apples this way we eliminate waste but rely on waste to carry the apple seeds. Not sure about this one. I do hate waste though.
posted by manoffewwords at 10:50 AM on November 15, 2013


God I hate hate hate watching people eat apples. And listening to them is even worse. It totally squicks me out and makes me feel all ragey. I don't know why I clicked on this. That was stupid of me, I admit it. This video just took my discomfort and twisted it all around on itself. This is literally one of the worst things I have ever seen. I will never get over it.
posted by treepour at 10:50 AM on November 15, 2013 [16 favorites]


I will not be moved by this blatant attempt at appleshaming.
posted by elizardbits at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [24 favorites]


Like a boss or like a horse?
posted by Linda_Holmes at 10:53 AM on November 15, 2013 [44 favorites]


How not to eat an apple like a boss: red delicious.

Yes. The only excellence to be sought in apple eating is knowing which ones are tasty.
posted by straight at 10:54 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


The only excellence to be sought in apple eating is knowing which ones are tasty.

Pink Lady or go home.
posted by cthuljew at 10:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


I used to be a murderous honeycrisp evangelist but that super mild winter we had a few years back had some sort of unbearably ensweetening effect on them and the next year's crop was tooth-shatteringly cloyingly obnoxiously sweet and I have not been able to stand the thought of them since.

stupid mild winters
posted by elizardbits at 10:57 AM on November 15, 2013


Pink Lady or go home.

I have Pink Lady apples at my home this decision is impossible for me oh god logic please help send help
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:57 AM on November 15, 2013 [23 favorites]


I hate that we're told to think about this as waste, because it's only waste if I'm going to buy fewer apples because of that. Otherwise, it's just 30% more apple that I'm eating, when I was perfectly happy with the amount of apple I was eating before.

Of course, I also get angry when cashiers try to guilt me into buying the 2 for 1 specials on things where I really only need one of them.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:58 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: I ain't died yet.
posted by goethean at 10:59 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


There's this new kind of apple. Olympia Tartsnap. Straight out of Washington State. It's insane. I can get you some for $60/peck or $200 if you need a whole bushel.
posted by theodolite at 11:01 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


On the other hand, this cupcake thing is genius.

The real problem with cupcakes is the 2:1 frosting:cake ratio.
posted by jason_steakums at 11:01 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


When did doing things "like a Boss" become a good thing?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2013 [11 favorites]


Stayman-Winesap is clearly the best apple.
posted by Ham Snadwich at 11:04 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ah, but have you tried a Reverse Stayman-Winesap? Make your head spin.
posted by cthuljew at 11:05 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


So yeah my 1.5 year old has already figured this out. The first time it happened, I was all, weren't you eating an apple a minute ago? What did you do with it? Now I'm used to the whole thing just disappearing. Keeps him busy for a good 10 or 15 minutes. No ill effects yet.
posted by Xalf at 11:05 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Remember a few years ago somebody decided the "right way" to open a banana was bottom to top and then every time I ate a banana around anyone for like a year I had to hear "You know, they recently determined . . ."? I hope this isn't like that. Also

>2013
>eating an apple that isn't a honeycrisp
posted by ND¢ at 11:06 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Honeycrisps aren't as good as they used to be, it's true. Luckily at my fancy organic grocery store they've got at least 8 varieties of apples at any given time so I've been able to branch out. Cameo and Opal apples are my current tops. Don't care for Pink Lady apples, something about the texture?
posted by Mizu at 11:06 AM on November 15, 2013


Arkansas Black are also excellent, but yeah. Something horrible happened to Honeycrisps a few years back and they just haven't been the same.

RIP HONEYCRISP
posted by offalark at 11:07 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Red apples are just apples that are blushing from embarrassment that they aren't good enough to be Granny Smiths.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:08 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


When did doing things "like a Boss" become a good thing?

Like a Boss (SNL video). It's one of those things that started out as satire and shifted to unironic use over time.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 11:08 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Granny Smiths are the superior apple. Ubiquitous, crisp, and not oversweet
posted by Tabs at 11:10 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


Sweetango is best apple. But not exactly easy to get your hands on them. St. Louis supposedly is one of their few markets, and they were here and gone in a couple of weeks (and kind of sad-looking in that second week).

About 3 years ago there was Sweetango cider available. Nectar of the gods.
posted by Foosnark at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I eat my watermelons the same way.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


Even people who eat the apple the "before" way don't just leave the core with all that flesh on it. All I could think of was the "As Seen on TV: A Tribute to Doing It Wrong" supercut.

I usually use an apple wedger. (In our family, we call it, "the apple thinger," because I could never remember the actual name.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Well, thanks for explaining "Like a Boss." I didn't get the title.

I would have called it How to Eat an Apple Like a Norwegian, because that's how I remember my friends in Norway eating apples. Bottom to top. I'm going to start eating them like that again.

Thanks, Metafilter!
posted by kozad at 11:12 AM on November 15, 2013


A friend of mine would eat other people's apple cores. I didn't have to eat the core or waste it.

Crispin/Mutsu 4 lyfe!
posted by domnit at 11:13 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hapless Apple Anoraks is going to be my best house band.
posted by The Whelk at 11:13 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Its really from Slim Thug - Like a Boss. The one from SNL is a parody of that.
posted by Ad hominem at 11:14 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I used to eat apple cores when I was a kid. I stopped when I realized that I didn't really like them.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:15 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Black Arkansas, oh, yeah, offalark. Around here I can only get them at one farmer's market, for about two weeks, three if I'm lucky. Worth the effort, though. Granny Smiths aren't bad for an easy-to-get apple, but lately I've found store bought apples all have some kind of off flavor from the time-delay ripening/anti-aging process they subject them to.
posted by mollweide at 11:17 AM on November 15, 2013


We would eat the core on the tiny, green, sour apples that grew on our neighbor's tree when I was a kid. But I just don't like the taste of the core of other apples. It's not "waste" any more than avoiding the bitter rind on an orange.
posted by muddgirl at 11:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


You all can take your nicest apple controversies over here if you wish. I owe some of my appl-thusiasm to Common Ground, whose Apple Day is a good thing, if you like your apples with a side order of just-possibly-ersatz-Englishness and are prepared t risk outbreaks of Morris Dancing.

I tithe 10% of my apples to the church.
posted by aesop at 11:20 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Eating an apple in the traditional way I don't leave anything like 30%. Basically I leave a very thin fibrous core with a bulge in the middle for the seed package. By volume I doubt it's even 10% and by weight even less, and consists entirely of Do Not Want so you can hardly call it wasted.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:21 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Around here I can only get them at one farmer's market, for about two weeks, three if I'm lucky. Worth the effort, though. Granny Smiths aren't bad for an easy-to-get apple, but lately I've found store bought apples all have some kind of off flavor from the time-delay ripening/anti-aging process they subject them to.

The secret to this is to strip off the waxy coating on the peel, microwave the apple for ten seconds, shock the apple in an ice bath for 34 seconds, then throw the apple in the compost and wait another year until you can buy decent apples again from the farmer's market.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:21 AM on November 15, 2013 [17 favorites]


No way is the actual core anywhere near 30% of the apple. If people are throwing away 30% of the apple, it's not because they're not eating the core, it's because they're stopping before they get anywhere near the core. But I guess the idea that you don't eat the core is significant in these people's habits because it gives people who don't actually like apples the permission they need to stop early.
posted by baf at 11:22 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


...that's about $42 wasted per person per year—which is $13.2 billion annually, thrown in the trash or fed to pigs.

"Fed to pigs" is not wasting. It is transmogrifying apples into pork, which can then be eaten with more apples, continuing the cycle of life.
posted by TedW at 11:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [14 favorites]


I dunno about y'all but I snatched one of these vintage Reading 78 peelers up when I saw one selling for cheap just for sheer awesome points. The peeled apples are a bonus.

That thing does apples right.

And really, I wish I had access to the good apples y'all must be seeing. I mean I get good ones for home but most common apples I see in break rooms or where-have-you only taste halfway decent for a few bites anyway, the deeper you go the worst they feel/taste. I think that's probably a big part in why people are throwing away more apple than they ought.

That said, I'll be trying the new top to bottom method with some delicious Braeburn apples sometime soon.

Obligatory threadshit: Pears > Apples 4eva!
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:26 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


In other news: 50% Of Corn Wasted By Non Cob-Eating Bastards
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:27 AM on November 15, 2013 [33 favorites]


When I was living in Japan the apples were giant like a grapefruit and everyone said not to eat the skin. Japanese apples were more delicious with or without skin and apple cores taste bad. I'm gonna eat apples less like a boss and more like a salaryman and love it.
posted by Hoopo at 11:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Obligatory threadshit: Pears > Apples 4eva!

Ugh, pears. I love them, but only when they meet my very specific optimum eating time requirements. (Namely, they must be ripe enough that I can pierce the skin with a fingernail, and a knife must go through with barely any resistance.) Crispy pears are an abomination. Apples, on the other hand, have a much longer optimum eating window, so I end up eating a lot more of them. Never the core though, it is gross.

Also, Pink Lady apples 4 lyfe. I find they're great for both eating and cooking. I've made absolutely delicious crepes with Pink Lady apples.
posted by yasaman at 11:33 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Works nicely with a Gala, eaten bottom to top. Part of the fun is waiting for the seeds to finally come into view in that pretty pattern. I think this is the closest I will ever come to being an MRI machine.
posted by maudlin at 11:33 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


i sequester carbon by keeping all my apple cores in the basement in drums of used motor oil.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:33 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Arkansas Black are also excellent, but yeah. Something horrible happened to Honeycrisps a few years back and they just haven't been the same.

Unfortunately this seems to happen to any apple cultivar which becomes popular. People find a tasty variety and begin buying it which leads to more orchards. But the industrial orchards don't particularly care about flavor and start selecting solely for the outward attributes which increase sales in the short term; size, shape, color. Over time you get crazy mutant apples which look beautiful but taste lake cardboard.

That's exactly what happened to Red Delicious apples. They became more and more Red and less and less Delicious. It is in the process of happening to Honeycrisps. And, most sadly, it has even begun with Granny Smith Apples which have been my favorite for 30 years but now are getting larger, greener, and more uniform... and losing the wonderful tart flavor.
posted by Justinian at 11:34 AM on November 15, 2013


When I was living in Japan the apples were giant like a grapefruit and everyone said not to eat the skin.

In China the apples are huge because they are raised on radioactive waste, the ground bones of the innocent, and smelter tailings, but lord are they fresh, crisp, and delicious!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:36 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


(More orchards growing it. I left out that important phrase).
posted by Justinian at 11:36 AM on November 15, 2013


yasaman, your take on pear eating requirements -- and how they completely align with mine (but actually puts them into words even though I never have) -- makes me feel less alone in the world.

As for apple cores, feeding them to pigs isn't waste. That's bacon seeds.

(Johnny Baconseed is my new stage name... for what I'm not sure. Maybe some hipster stripper cook off.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I like the Jona-joints, you know, Jonamac, Jonagold. Also sometimes a Ginger Gold goes down nice. In fact after I slice ginger I typically cut up an apple without rinsing the knife. This adds zing to more insipid varietals like Gala. Tempomandiblahs keep me from biting right in.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Besides, if I eat the core, what do I give to these guys?
posted by Ham Snadwich at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


When I was living in Japan the apples were giant like a grapefruit and everyone said not to eat the skin.

Aomori apples are giant and very sweet. I used to think I disliked apples until I tried those. Still can't stand unpeeled apples. Peel and slice forever!
posted by betweenthebars at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013


what do I give to these guys

hugs and smooches and tummy rubs obvsly
posted by elizardbits at 11:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Sweetango is best apple. But not exactly easy to get your hands on them

I must concur. Sweetango > Honeycrisp > Braeburn > all other apples. I think a deal with the devil was made to develop the Sweetango.

As long as we're apple bean-plating, the management and politics around the Sweetango apple is kind of fascinating:

Managed to perfection, though this is not without some controversy in the market

Full article not available online, but The New Yorker did an article on Sweetango. "Like Honeycrisp, SweeTango has much larger cells than other apples, and when you bite into it the cells shatter. The bursting of the cells fills your mouth with juice."
posted by mcstayinskool at 11:40 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


As a kid someone told me if I ate an fruit/vegetable seeds that the plant would start growing in my stomach. It was at an impressionable age and to this day I don't eat enough fruit or veggies probably due to getting freaked out about seeds as a kid.
posted by birdherder at 11:46 AM on November 15, 2013


My new favorite apple variety is ambrosia. Crisp and taste amazing. Grab some if you can.
posted by curious nu at 11:47 AM on November 15, 2013


>Arkansas Black are also excellent

QFT, but hard to find here. The jealousy continues.
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:47 AM on November 15, 2013


Why stop there?

Eat a whole orange.
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:50 AM on November 15, 2013


I can't eat apples or corn on the cob the "normal" way. Damn you Jew-nose.
posted by humboldt32 at 11:51 AM on November 15, 2013


I actually do enjoy the taste of orange peel from time to time, but I don't pretend that gives me moral superiority over people who "waste" their orange peel.
posted by muddgirl at 11:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


My little kids love when I eat the WHOLE apple. It tastes great!
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 11:59 AM on November 15, 2013


FWIW, Honeycrisps were granted a patent in 1988, and have since gone off patent, if that explains things. Their prices haven't gone down though.
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:01 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Opals kick ass real hard, is all I came here to say.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 12:01 PM on November 15, 2013


I actually do enjoy the taste of orange peel from time to time...

Me too!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:03 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't believe in apple cores. I have never encountered one.

"An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away" -- B. Kliban
 
posted by Herodios at 12:04 PM on November 15, 2013


My method of eating apples involves this applied to the apple first. I'm still wasting some of it and the size I can have is limited, but it means I don't have to try to unhinge my jaw to eat an apple.
posted by immlass at 12:06 PM on November 15, 2013


Thing is, there are way more apples produced than eaten, so waste is inevitable. Eating more of each apple would presumably just translate into eating fewer apples, so more apples go uneaten and thus go to waste. Same difference.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:07 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


(P.S. Gala apples are the best apples.)
posted by Sys Rq at 12:09 PM on November 15, 2013


Cut down on apple waste by drinking more cider and applejack!
posted by jason_steakums at 12:09 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah that's pretty much how I eat apples. Too lazy to throw the core out if I can just make it go away.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:10 PM on November 15, 2013


I'm allergic to apples.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:13 PM on November 15, 2013


More importantly: Apples are monstrous. They are monstrous when they come pre-sliced and pre-doused with citric acid in a small plastic bag; they are monstrous when shaved into a sandwich or snuck into a salad; they are monstrous by themselves and they are monstrous with cheese; they are monstrous freshly plucked from the damned tree and they are monstrous hauled out of a cellar in mid-January. Put peanut butter on it, if you like; now you have a messy apple that smells like peanut butter.
posted by Jonathan Harford at 12:14 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I don't understand how a grown man can make such a fuss over eating an entire orange. In my Grade 1 class, we all watched in awe as Susan Z. ate her daily orange like an apple, neatly and modestly.
posted by maudlin at 12:15 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Related. (Warning: autoplay.)
posted by maudlin at 12:17 PM on November 15, 2013


Apples give me the wildies. I suspect the core would give me the Screaming Wildies. Do. Not. Want.
posted by JeffK at 12:22 PM on November 15, 2013


"Wildies?" I mean, I can guess, just never heard that one before.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:23 PM on November 15, 2013


For anyone who needs more apple names to trot out in casual conversation, I give you the Orange Pippin apple variety directory.
posted by slogger at 12:23 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


(I personally enjoy a good Uttwiler Spätlauber* apple.)

*Actually, no I don't. I just wanted to drop an esoteric apple name.
posted by slogger at 12:25 PM on November 15, 2013


Today I saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
posted by namewithoutwords at 12:26 PM on November 15, 2013 [10 favorites]


The Honeycrips, Haralson, and SweeTango are all Minnesota apples. The reason that Honeycrisp have sucked is that they released the trees into the marketplace and all kinds of morons decided to grow them which significantly decreased quality. So, when they released the SweeTango, the UofM decided that every commerical farmer had to be a part of a cooperative. The farmers sell the apples to the coop which then only releases the "acceptable" apples to the general public for sale.
posted by mfu at 12:27 PM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


My problem with eating an apple is that I have a hard time getting past the Gorilla glass. Please Advise.
posted by pjern at 12:28 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm allergic to apples.

I used to be allergic to apples (and a whole slew of other things via this allergy). It's been 8 long years since I bit into an apple without taking anti-histamines first, or baking them.

I still experience a very slight amount of tingling, but it's a tiny fraction of what I used to feel. Possibly non-coincidentally, this year, my (often crippling) pollen allergies were almost non-existent for the first time in 20 years. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I've been gorging on apples constantly because I never know when my mouth will feel like it's been stung by a million hornets again. But for now, I eat all the apples (except you Red Delicious, I don't miss you at all)
posted by raztaj at 12:29 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've been eating apples that way since I was really young. My dad first did it, and I though it was nuts, because, "core, gross." But he said that some of the best apple is at the core. So I started eating them that way, and realized that you get some good, tart apple right at the end. Also, I was pretty lazy and hated running stuff to the trash, so I'd just eat the whole thing and keep on watching TV.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:31 PM on November 15, 2013


After years of lusting after dwarf apple trees but not having the room for one (really two, they need a pollination partner), I was unexpectedly given permission to plant things in an elderly neighbor's yard. I happily procured a Caville Blanc d' Hiver since I love medieval things and my sister is a champion pie baker (and a Sweet Sixteen on Bud 9 rootstock, but that's not relevant as it was the Caville Blanc I had long wanted to try). Had them staked, lovingly took off all but one of the Caville Blanc buds (because my trees were too young to be having babies, you know, but that nice lady at the orchard had said one wouldn't hurt) and settled in to watch that one apple develop.

As summer went on I took pictures from every angle and monitored each and every spot to make sure it wasn't getting a disease. I compared it to pictures online to make sure everything was developing normally. I looked up maturation and typical harvesting dates in my area. As October began I (well, my minions, at least) gave it a bit of a twist every morning, to see if it was ready to come off the branch. We prepared a bit of pastry crust so we could pop the lone apple into a tiny pie as soon as it was fresh off the tree. And then one morning, after seeing racoons roaming around the night before, my apple was gone.

I surmise it fell from the tree overnight and a racoon ate it. Fressen instead of essen!

It was probably delicious. And I like wildlife, I really do, but there's a little part of me that hopes it choked on it.
posted by Soliloquy at 12:31 PM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


I'm kinda partial to the Jazz cultivar, but the Honeycrisp and SweeTango are good as a treat sometimes.

I don't know if I've actually seen Junami available yet but it seems like it will be a nice new cultivar as well but I'm not sure US growers have started licensing it yet.
posted by vuron at 12:33 PM on November 15, 2013


Stayman Winesap forever. Also, this video made me squirmingly uncomfortable with all the...noises? And juices? Ugh.

Anyhow, I cut my apples off the core like a civilized person. Then I flick out the seeds and feed the cores to my dogs as their very favorite treat in the world. You eat an apple like this in my house and you're going to be mauled to death by three small dogs trying desperately to figure out where the hell you hid their treat.
posted by MeghanC at 12:38 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Obligatory threadshit: Pears > Apples 4eva!

Apple Pears > Apples or Pears

But yeah Jazz apples are great. As are most things with jazz in the name.
posted by kersplunk at 12:39 PM on November 15, 2013


humboldt32: I can't eat apples or corn on the cob the "normal" way. Damn you Jew-nose.

Unless your 'normal' way of eating corn-on-the-cob involves positioning it vertically between your eyebrows, I'm not sure how your nose might impact eating it.

I say this as an expert on 'attempting to eat whilst possessing a genetically Jewish nose'
posted by hanov3r at 12:41 PM on November 15, 2013


domnit: "A friend of mine would eat other people's apple cores. I didn't have to eat the core or waste it."

So... he's like a wino, but for apples? A cider-o? Pre-cider-o?

Nah, those names are silly. Let's stick with "freak."
posted by IAmBroom at 12:44 PM on November 15, 2013


But yeah Jazz apples are great. As are most things with jazz in the name.

Counterpoint: The Utah Jazz
posted by Ham Snadwich at 12:46 PM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


And if we're talking cider, Lohrs Orchard in Maryland makes the best cider. In the world. I am not kidding.
posted by Ham Snadwich at 12:48 PM on November 15, 2013


But yeah Jazz apples are great. As are most things with jazz in the name.

Shouldn't "jazz apples" be ones where the farmer just plants random apple seeds and whatever nature improvises are what they are?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:55 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Realistically Jazz apples should contain naturally occurring THC.
posted by The Whelk at 12:58 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Shouldn't "jazz apples" be ones where the farmer just plants random apple seeds and whatever nature improvises are what they are?

Actually because of the way apples grow, planting any seeds as a way of growing apples will pretty much result in improvised apples. You have to graft to control what types of apples you get.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:03 PM on November 15, 2013


I've always eaten the entire apple, stem excluded, ever since I can remember.

I'm thankful for this thread for confirming that indeed honeycrisps did turn rubbish a few years back and telling me why. I had been wondering. A similar thing happened with Mutsus too, so far as I can tell. Those used to be the bomb but have been a real disappointment recently.

Put me firmly in the Pink Lady camp for current favorite, though I will put in a word for Fujis when they are organic and not the size of your head. Apples really are one of the things that are dramatically more flavorful when organically grown.
posted by pascal at 1:06 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ater all this I fully expect David Cameron to appear in the news punting some hard-to-refute/impossible-to-legislate crowdpleasing soundbites on how it's shocking that Britons have been for years eating their apples the wrong way. It's shocking and wrong, etc.
posted by aesop at 1:10 PM on November 15, 2013


Dwarf rootstocks can be used to produce very small trees

Aww, those sound adorable.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:11 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


You have to graft to control what types of apples you get.

Exactly, it's what DOESN'T grow that makes them jazz apples, man!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 1:11 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Apples do aspire to be Applejack. In college, I lived in house that had for many years housed horticulture students. In the backyard, we had the most awesome apple tree that produced no fewer than a dozen varieties of apples. Tons of 'em. Even gorging on them, we couldn't keep up with the production. Inevitably, a mess of them would end up on the ground and end up producing the most violent vinegar smell you could imagine. Apples: Born to ferment.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 1:11 PM on November 15, 2013


Apples suck, if I ate one a day I would be more worried about my acid burned teeth and eventual suicide from bland fruit
posted by Napierzaza at 1:13 PM on November 15, 2013


Or you could just opt for the Justice Souter approach and just eat the apple in toto.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:13 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I eat the core, the seeds and the stem.

The stem is quite bitter, but it's a nice way to "cleanse" the palate afterwards.
posted by flippant at 1:18 PM on November 15, 2013


It's true you don't see many female dwarf apple trees. And in fact, they are so alike in appearance, that they are often mistaken for male dwarf apple trees. And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no female dwarf apple trees, and that dwarf apple trees just spring out of holes in the ground!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:18 PM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


A boss? I'd rather eat an apple like someone in a Warhol movie.
posted by Obscure Reference at 1:39 PM on November 15, 2013


My Dad had a trick he liked to play on his poor unsuspecting 8 year old son: "My, that apple looks good. Do you think I could have a bite?" Share and share alike thinks I and hands the fruit over. My Dad proceeds to bayonet the helpless spheroid on his lower incisors and gently rotate the apple gulletwards until at least half the fruit is engulfed in his straining maw. Flecks of juice and foam spill and slide down the apple's flanks. He makes the final incision with the upper incisors and pulls, a rending, popping noise as sunders the pippin and removes the spent remains, handing over what's left to me with an unabashed smile. I got my revenge: 9 years later I went to art school.
posted by aesop at 1:53 PM on November 15, 2013 [19 favorites]


give me (lunchbox) Fujis or give me death
posted by Existential Dread at 2:15 PM on November 15, 2013


I just want to be on the record as having tried this newfangled method and hated it.
My issue is that I'm all about texture and consistency, the flaws introduced by flecks of unchewable annoyance are not worth my effort and interfere with most bites.

That said, I make an effort to get very close to the core and often finish the bottom and top off.

Crazy kids.
posted by varion at 2:49 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


hanov3r:

Most of my Jewiness lies in the hooked tip rather than higher up in the hump. The tip of my nose drags through the kernels above where I'm biting, usually filling my nostrils with bits of half-bit kernels.
posted by humboldt32 at 3:01 PM on November 15, 2013


Is this some cryptic ad for Eve Online?
posted by swr at 3:04 PM on November 15, 2013


Please. You should see how I eat a lobster.
posted by exit at 3:07 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Numero Uno: Apples are eaten with knives that serve to cut out the good parts and get rid of the stupid parts. Then you add some sharp cheddar cheese. This is known to all peoples.

Numero Deux: Bosses don't know how to do shit.
posted by jammy at 3:16 PM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


> I eat my watermelons the same way.

I did when I was very small. It was just too much of a pain to pick the seeds out so I sort of mushed the melon flesh up in my 4 year old mouf' (without crunching the seeds) and then swallowed the nice pink mush seeds and all. They're flat and slippery, they go down real easy.

I don't do it that way any more and it has nothing to do with maturity or becoming boring and conventional or any of that. What happened to me was that one day at kindergarten recess I found that there had been a party or large picnic or something on our playground that involved lots and lots of watermelon eating because all the trash bins were jammed with watermelon rinds (and yellow jackets) and the ground was covered with seeds. The seeds were now bone dry and I collected a handful of them just because small children pick up handfuls of stuff. A little girl saw me picking something up and came over to see what it was. Rubies, who knows?

By coincidence that was a banner year for webworms. Fuzzy malacosoma caterpillars beyond counting, humping along on every possible surface. The little girl looked at the seeds in my paw, saw what they were, and said "Those are caterpillar seeds." I regarded my little collection for a moment and then dropped them all back onto the ground. All at once. The next time I was offered watermelon to eat I picked the seeds out first.

It has of course been decades since I thought there was any chance that Malacosoma caterpillars come out of watermelon seeds. But I still pick them out of my watermelon before eating it. Somehow the damn things just aren't very appetizing.
posted by jfuller at 3:47 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I saw a swiss friend eat the entire apple when I was 15, and thought it was amazing. I love food. I've been eating whole apples ever since.

Plus, think of the efficiency. Why pack something (to work, home from the store, etc) you're not going to eat?
posted by faceattack at 4:30 PM on November 15, 2013


> Crispy pears are an abomination

My aunt-in-law is a pear orchardist, and she eats her pears when they're ripe: that is to say, when they're as crisp as an apple. I personally prefer them soft, the same as you, but it turns out we're Doing It Wrong.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


How can eating when maximally nums possibly be wrong?

But y'know what is wrong? Looking at the label of a "Pear" cider and discovering it's apple cider with "pear flavoring". Harmings should be administered to those who perpetrate this, and said harmings should be vigorous and many.

Of course the proper stuff should say "Perry" on the label anyway.
posted by George_Spiggott at 5:08 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Numero Deux: Bosses don't know how to do shit.

Yeah, IME eating an apple "like a boss" would involve them doing it wrong 30 times in a row and then calling up IT really frustrated to say that the apple has crashed but it turns out that they were trying to eat a banana all along and when they finally do get an actual apple they make you eat it for them and then complain that they never got an apple.
posted by elizardbits at 5:09 PM on November 15, 2013 [13 favorites]


Pink Lady or go home.

More Ashmead's Kernels for me, I guess.
posted by kenko at 5:09 PM on November 15, 2013


Later when the 100 apples you have been forced to eat for "quality control" make you sick you are forced to use one of your vacation days to go to the doctor.
posted by elizardbits at 5:10 PM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yes but none of the people who have died from eating apple cores would be in this thread would they?

Selection bias people!!!!!
posted by dry white toast at 5:41 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I always use a knife for apple eating because it's less work and less trouble. I waste less than 30% but if I waste 10 or I waste 20 is not something I bother to consider. One thing I have learned in the recent past courtesy of my local supermarket is that the different varieties differ on a sweet to tart scale and the tartest common apple is the Granny Smith. Mostly I eat the Granny Smiths because I am a sourpuss not a sweetheart.
posted by bukvich at 5:45 PM on November 15, 2013


Why are you people eating soft pears when you can poach them in wine or brandy instead?
posted by The Whelk at 6:03 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


I've been enjoying Envy apples lately. I'm not sure if they're an attempt to replicate the Jazz, or just Jazz apples outside of the Jazz trademark regime, but whatever the case is, they're pretty nice.

The bigger the apple (or pear) the better too. The ratio of volume to surface area goes up, and so the big ones are the least to go 'off'.
posted by wotsac at 6:32 PM on November 15, 2013


I eat apples using the horse method; the whole thing in three bites, preferably with some pieces of hand included.
posted by happyroach at 6:39 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Since you all wanted my opinion, +1 for Jazz, Braeburn and Pink Lady apples. Honeycrisp are overrated. Gala were amazing 15 years ago but they have steadily become the blandest. (Could just be a problem with the BC and Washington Galas?)

Today I had a Spartan (basically a giant McIntosh). They taste good, but they best part is the smell. They remind me of autumn growing up in Ontario.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 6:55 PM on November 15, 2013


Cameos are surprisingly good this year, around here.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:01 PM on November 15, 2013


Just got a half bushel of Winesaps from Boa Vista and two Blackberry Apple Sour Cream Pies from Bodhaine Ranch and you're showing me how to eat MORE apple?!?

Man, I am gonna be beyond regular.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 7:12 PM on November 15, 2013


In high school I dated a guy whose folks owned a pick your own orchard. One day we went around and tasted every variety they grew. I almost made myself sick. My favorite was the Opalescent, which I have never had again. The smell of apples on a windy fall day will always bring me back to the Saturdays we spent working in the apple store, sneaking kisses in the chilly storage room.
posted by Biblio at 7:24 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


All these people here telling us about how they have eaten several whole apples a day for years and they haven't died.

The thing is, there could be many mefites who did this, and then died. But they aren't around to tell us about it.
posted by eye of newt at 8:02 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


TedW: "...that's about $42 wasted per person per year—which is $13.2 billion annually, thrown in the trash or fed to pigs.

"Fed to pigs" is not wasting. It is transmogrifying apples into pork, which can then be eaten with more apples, continuing the cycle of life.
"

And, mentioning pork, you should have said, "continuing the delicious, delicious cycle of life".
posted by Samizdata at 10:25 PM on November 15, 2013


When I was a teenager, I watched one of my uncles eat far more of an apple than I was used to seeing.
When I asked him about the little wad of apple core he had left, he said,
"Most people eat the apple until they get bored with it. I eat the apple until I am done with it."

Later that same afternoon, he was doing a crossword puzzle. He put it down with about half the words filled in, proclaiming, "I'm done with this."

I thought, but didn't say, "You know, most people do the crossword puzzle until they're done with it..."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:04 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I do not want to eat the mummified blossom in the belly button of the apple. Yuck. I use a knife. I am opposed to apple-dwelling fauna, and had a childhood encounter with a yellow jacket? Wasp? Angry winged insect, in any case, inside the apple that I had just bitten a chunk from. AAAAAGHHHH!

Cox Orange Pippins are the best apples, but I only see them from orchards and farmer's markets. Mutsu are pretty tasty too. Citrusy.
posted by janell at 11:32 PM on November 15, 2013


The thing is, there could be many mefites who did this, and then died. But they aren't around to tell us about it.

The comments on that page led me down a rabbit hole of idiocy.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 12:01 AM on November 16, 2013


My SO eats entire apples, and apparently this was learned based on advice to help keep bears out of the garbage cans while living in Montana for a while.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:19 AM on November 16, 2013


I prefer oranges, but there's really no comparing the two.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 2:21 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


I was pretty skeptical but just have this method a try on a nice Gala apple.

Since you take a big bite of flesh, the dry blossom and woodier bits are basically lost in the mix and unnoticeable. Since you approach the seeds from the bottom you can just bite the bottom of the seed pod off and then just shake out the seeds. So I really was just left with seeds and a stem.

The only real downside was it was a little more awkward because you are sort of trying to bite the face off a sphere instead of eating around a cylinder.

Overall, seems like I good idea but not sure if it's enough of an improvement to switch how I'm used to eating apples.
posted by delicious-luncheon at 5:52 AM on November 16, 2013


...you should have said, "continuing the delicious, delicious cycle of life".

Or perhaps the Red Delicious cycle of life?
posted by TedW at 6:18 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't enjoy eating the hard bits at the core, so I don't. Ever noticed how wasteful nature is? Not all seeds grow a new plant, trees with a new set of leaves every year, nipples for men. I compost apple cores and don't lose sleep about the bits of fruit and veg. I don't eat.
posted by theora55 at 10:27 AM on November 16, 2013


"You are old," said the youth, "And your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
posted by jfuller at 11:29 AM on November 16, 2013


As an equestrianess, I have never wasted any apple. Also, my dogs like apple.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:35 PM on November 17, 2013


the industrial orchards don't particularly care about flavor and start selecting solely for the outward attributes

Which is why buying apples from the grocery store is so disappointing. Luckily, I can get awesome apples from Wynne and Scott of Jerzy Boyz for a good chunk of the year at the farmers market. Seriously, if you're in Seattle, head down to the University District farmers market some Saturday between August and December and try some -- Scott will cut you a chunk of anything they have to sample. Or don't, if you want to be able to enjoy an apple from a supermarket ever again.
posted by hades at 8:32 PM on November 17, 2013


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