Thanksgiving Etiquette: On Whether to Upset the Family Bigots
November 22, 2013 9:35 AM   Subscribe

 
Every time the usual slew of articles/FB status updates/etc come out about how horrible Thanksgiving is for people, I wonder if my family was an anomaly as the most animosity that ever happened was arguing over who was going to help clean the dishes.

(Of course, it also helped any and all extended family lived in either Texas or Florida and could not be present to potentially ruin our holiday.)
posted by Kitteh at 9:45 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


I came out to my mom (my dad already knew) the Sunday before Thanksgiving when I was a freshman in college. I really, really do not recommend mixing coming out and holidays if you at all suspect it's going to go badly. This doesn't mean don't bring your same-sex partner home, if you have one (DO!), but if you could let bigot relatives in advance know that you are bringing them, say, early November, and, like in this example, tell them if thy don't like it they don't have to attend, that would be better, I think.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:46 AM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


I wonder if my family was an anomaly as the most animosity that ever happened was arguing over who was going to help clean the dishes.

Probably, I can take my family members one on one but put them all together in the same room and it's a horrible stressful mess no one enjoys. I come from a large family and we don't even bother to meet up anymore, everyone does their own thing.

I love to cook and entertain I kind of hate Thanksgiving.
posted by The Whelk at 9:50 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Every time the usual slew of articles/FB status updates/etc come out about how horrible Thanksgiving is for people, I wonder if my family was an anomaly as the most animosity that ever happened was arguing over who was going to help clean the dishes.

I remember when I first moved to the US I was puzzled at how many people I met had such a deep affection for Thanksgiving, because the image I had of it from US popular culture was almost uniformly negative. American turkeys were, for some reason, almost impossible to cook; no matter what you did they came out of the oven frozen solid or a pile of cinders. American families stored up all their resentments for a year to pour them out in bitter vitriol at the Thanksgiving table. And, paradoxically, no one would be at the table because travel of any kind was impossible if it had the object of delivering you to your family for a Thanksgiving meal.
posted by yoink at 9:50 AM on November 22, 2013 [12 favorites]


Isn't there an old Adam Sandler comedy routine where he tells us he's going to perform a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, and, if you listen very closely, you might be able to hear his brother at the very end, and then he proceeds to act out a screaming fight, culminating in a tiny voice saying "I'm gay"?

I say why break a nice holiday tradition?
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 9:52 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


I hate that the conversation still has to go like "is it OK to come as LGBT to my bigoted relatives during the holidays?" rather than "is it OK to come out as bigoted to my LGBT relatives during the holidays?"
posted by Cookiebastard at 9:53 AM on November 22, 2013 [57 favorites]


"...one young man told me after that he had just come out to his family the week before and that his father told him he was never welcome at his home again and that he is no longer his son"

This disgusts and infuriates me, and yet I know it's not uncommon.

I can't condone outing someone without their permission, but "my son/daughter is gay; if that's a problem for you then fuck off forever" is pretty much perfect.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:56 AM on November 22, 2013 [16 favorites]


Every time the usual slew of articles/FB status updates/etc come out about how horrible Thanksgiving is for people, I wonder if my family was an anomaly as the most animosity that ever happened was arguing over who was going to help clean the dishes.

Same here - the biggest argument I remember at any of my family Thanksgivings was the time my father got the entire family embroiled in a spirited debate about the ethicicity of government food purity standards. (As in: "does it behoove a business to surpass the standard FDA requirements out of a sense of personal integrity, even if it comes at a cost?").

....My family is weird.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:57 AM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


Here's some of my keys to a happy Thanksgiving:

1) Have it at someone else's house.
2) Attend it only if it means not staying overnight.
3) Only attend if only the family you like is there.

We are meeting all three this year, for only the second time. The last time we achieved this, my aunt (who was in her 40s) who was hosting had a heart attack while working out that morning.

To bring it back on point of the article, it was also the first time anyone - my parents and siblings included - were meeting my new boyfriend.

We are hoping next Thursday is more uneventful.

I hate that the conversation still has to go like "is it OK to come as LGBT to my bigoted relatives during the holidays?" rather than "is it OK to come out as bigoted to my LGBT relatives during the holidays?"

Me too -- but to give the oft-backwards members of my family (none of whom I will see this year, fortunately) credit, those that have had a problem with it have always been super polite to my partners, proving that the WASPy etiquette of the Midwestern middle class usually trumps the fire-and-brimstone-inspired bigotry. (I think this particular side of the family lives by the rule 'Judge not, that ye be not judged, but since you're going to judge anyway, keep it to yourself and don't talk to me that way in front of people.')
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:01 AM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


I personally wish people would stop making excuses for old bigots. Oh, you're old? Then you've had even more time than the rest of us to recognize this bullshit for what it is. Oh, you grew up when racism/sexism/homophobia were more widespread and "normal"? Then you've seen firsthand (or should have seen, had you been paying attention) how destructive and ugly it is. Age doesn't excuse you from expectations of basic human decency.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:03 AM on November 22, 2013 [94 favorites]


I love to cook and entertain I kind of hate Thanksgiving.

It's because (speaking of my family for the last half-century anyhow) Thanksgiving is all about quantity, not quality. And for some, tediously re-enacting "traditions" that didn't have much meaning to begin with ("...no, we ALWAYS use the white candlesticks, the china gravy boat, and the gold napkins, so can you re-set the table?").

Though it was realizing one Thanksgiving when I was a teen that my dad (who had retreated to the tv with other adult male relatives while my mom and other women relatives cleaned up the crazy mess) had never washed a dish in his life that started certain progressive wheels turning in my still-forming brain. So I have that to be thankful for.
posted by aught at 10:04 AM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


The last full family thanksgiving I attended, my BIL went off on a rant about "spic mexicans" stealing contracting jobs from him and destroying america. Or something, I didn't listen too closely. But, I did say that he was a racist fuck and that maybe if he was good at what he did more people would hire him. And anyway to shut up. Things were quiet after that.

I invited my sister and him to my wedding, but he was busy that weekend. She came, and cheated on him with some guy she picked up at the hotel bar. My brother hooked up with my wife's sister which lead to another grandchild for our parents.

I miss my mom's huge Turkeyday spread*. My siblings.... I just don't know.

and leftover turkey meant turkey sandwiches and turkey soup and nom nom nom
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 10:06 AM on November 22, 2013 [8 favorites]


it was also the first time anyone - my parents and siblings included - were meeting my new boyfriend.

I burn some sage in your direction for good fortune.

Thanksgiving is all about quantity, not quality. And for some, tediously re-enacting "traditions" that didn't have much meaning to begin with ("...no, we ALWAYS use the white candlesticks, the china gravy boat, and the gold napkins, so can you re-set the table?").


This is why the best thing you can make are reservations. (what what Monument Lane wooo).
posted by The Whelk at 10:06 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I haven't attended a family Thanksgiving in years, solely because by the time I moved out and away from my immediate family, I worked retail and thus always had to choose when to have time off: Christmas or Thanksgiving? I chose Christmas.

But I loved the makeshift Orphan Thanksgivings that would happen after work. Either one of my friends would take on the mantle of trying to make a T'Day dinner or we'd just go to the bar.
posted by Kitteh at 10:06 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


turkey is bland and stupid like 90% of the time
posted by The Whelk at 10:06 AM on November 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


I dislike Thanksgiving and usually bypass the holiday entirely. I don't particularly love the food or family and I somehow got tricked into going this year because Thanksgivukkah. Damnit.
posted by Sophie1 at 10:07 AM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thanksgiving for me is an opportunity to be thankful that I'm an adult and no longer in an environment where family control my interactions. Thanksgiving as a kid (for me) was an opportunity for all kinds of subtle and not-so-subtle chances for the macho guys in my stepfamily (attendance at Thanksgiving at grandmother's house required or dire consequences would follow) to play macho games in the TV room with the football game turned up to top volume so as to muffle any giveaway sounds and physically harass me and bully and pick at me and to try to get me to trip myself up (I was in the closet at the time) by revealing, unwittingly or not, that I was gay. I am so fucking glad that those people are out of my life and that I will never see them or their progeny again as long as I live. That's my thanksgiving.
posted by blucevalo at 10:17 AM on November 22, 2013 [20 favorites]


Here's the secret to stress-free holiday cooking besides just not doing it (which is also fine).

Buffet-style room-temperature foods. Get a good production line going in the kitchen for small dishes and dedicate a table in the serving area for it. Bring out things as they finish so there's always a nice variety but not overwhelming. Everyone can serve themselves on disposable plates and cutlery. Cook only in disposable BBQ-style dishes. Leave out a generous punch bowl - Programtine liquor is a nice touch.
posted by The Whelk at 10:19 AM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


The upside of buffet-style service means everyone can find their own corner/grouping and not have to seated next to That One Person They Hate and have to pretend they don't want to jab a carving knife into.
posted by The Whelk at 10:20 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


I guess that I'm thankful that I have such an awesome and wacky family. The family members older than me are mostly old hippies who if anything are more lefty than I am. My aunt is probably the closest thing to being the family matriarch and she's this awesome septuagenarian Buddhist meditation teacher who hung out with Tim Leary and the Dead and such back then. The only political disputes are usually in the realm of Democrats vs. Anarchists, there's not a single republican in the group.
posted by octothorpe at 10:28 AM on November 22, 2013 [9 favorites]


The Whelk: turkey is bland and stupid like 90% of the time

And meatloaf is a dull slab of reconstituted meat parts, if done poorly. Because many people don't do it well is not a reason to strive for delicious foodstuffs.

Both sides of my family now do some sort of turkey brining, and while it is time-intensive, the results are fantastic, even for folks who are just following the steps in a decent recipe. As for meatloaf, if you're interested, I have a great recipe at home.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:32 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Champagne and Oysters: The Secrets to a happy thanksgiving.
posted by craven_morhead at 10:34 AM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


We have had the occasional political discussion - my extended family is a mix of mild-to-moderate republicans, my parents and immediate family who are Democrat, and a couple of random outlier way-lefties and a couple outlier nearly-in-the-Tea-Party folk of late. But fortunately we all seem to remember to play fair.

However, my family also used to be in the habit of playing really intense poker games after dinner, so maybe that's where we all channelled the aggression. And my aunts always loved that my father was willing to pitch in with the cleanup - one year he offered to take the whole job on by himself, so long as he was allowed to play Jethro Tull's "Thick As A Brick" while doing so. Like I said - my family is weird.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:35 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


octothorpe: I guess that I'm thankful that I have such an awesome and wacky family.

Same here. We have some awkward topics and a few shouty moments, but we generally get along and enjoy making (and eating) food. I'm tempted to invite my "internet friends" over, but I'm not in charge of cooking, so I can't throw that out there. But next year, if you're in New Mexico, we'll probably be here, too, and we'll probably have room for a few more folks.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:36 AM on November 22, 2013


turkey is bland and stupid like 90% of the time

The other 10% of the time, it is deep-fried. YUM.
posted by naoko at 10:36 AM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


I've got a large extended family, most of whom live in the same area. Many who live far away (like myself) will travel across the country to be back in Massachusetts for Thanksgiving or Christmas. As extended families go, we're a pretty tight-knit group at least by mainstream American standards.

We have a lot of diverse perspectives – most of my family are Democrats and we have quite a few Unitarian Universalists, but we span the political/religious spectrum all the way from radical left-wing atheists to Tea-Party Republicans and evangelical Christians. Somehow we always manage to make it through the holidays without any fights, despite there being one or two people who like to bait certain other family members into political or religious arguments.

Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings often top 40 people, and are usually held at my mother's house. They were held at the grandparents' house back in the day until my grandmother died (suddenly and on Thanksgiving no less, of complications from coronary bypass surgery) and I think that that matriarchal influence (which my mother has done her best to continue, though Grammy Joy's high heels are big ones to fill) really tied together the gatherings and put everybody in a mental place where it was understood that disagreements were OK but fighting was not allowed.

The best way to deal with gatherings like these is to not talk about charged topics. When they do come up and things are getting uncomfortable (like when my Tea-Party uncle starts baiting my left-wing mother about politics) the best response I've seen is to say something like "Relative, I love you but I am not talking about this with you. If you have to talk about this, go find somebody else." This works best when said in a clear voice so that other relatives can hear it, as they tend to know the dynamics and will back up the uncomfortable person.

If it were me, which it is not, I would recommend against coming out to the whole family at once at a holiday gathering. It may feel attractive to get it all over with in one go, but it's problematic. People obviously have a right to come out whenever they want, but if it were me I would want to have more control of the situation and not risk being forced to deal with potential unpleasant fallout for the rest of the day. I personally would also feel a bit selfish in doing this, as it would seem like it was making the gathering all about me when it was really supposed to be about the family as a whole.

Just one man's perspective, of course.
posted by Scientist at 10:37 AM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Why is the Thanksgiving feast so often upstaged by family dramas like this one?

Because it's the holiday in American culture that centers around a single meal attended by as many if not all of the members of an extended family many of whom have not seen each other all year and will not for at least another year.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:40 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Champagne and Oysters: The Secrets to a happy thanksgiving.
posted by nathancaswell at 10:41 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Here's the secret to stress-free holiday cooking besides just not doing it (which is also fine). Buffet-style room-temperature foods.

This only works for people who don't spend Thanksgiving with my slowpoke brother! The man can spend 15 minutes carefully assembling a sandwich, even with the sandwich components all set out in front of him already. Then he has to carefully assemble a sandwich for each of his two children.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:57 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]




I am celebrating Thanksgiving with an old friend and my cat. Since we are all pretty clear on each other's sexual identities (perhaps leaving out that cat, who has had little opportunity to explore his own and cares nothing of anyone else's unless it involves treats for cats somehow), I expect this will be a righteous non-issue. I hope everyone else has the same peaceful holiday, should they celebrate the holiday, and, if they don't, I hope, like my cat, they will get an extra helping of whatever treat they enjoy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:07 AM on November 22, 2013 [10 favorites]


Last Holiday Season:

My Mom: Does [your daughter] have a boyfriend?
Me: No, she has a girlfriend. I have told you this several times.
My Mom: No you haven't.
Me: Yes I have and so has [my daughter].

Subject gets changed. Room empties other than me and my sister's longtime partner.

Mari: That was a great thing that you just did.

Of course, my sister has had, as far as I know, serial monogamy with 3 or 4 different women through the years. But to this day she is not *out* and it drives her current partner crazy.

Families are funny.
posted by Danf at 11:08 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


My family's Thanksgiving got much more enjoyable after it underwent some cellular mitosis around 2000. Up until then it was still very much structured around my parent's generation and included most of their aunts and cousins. When those people split off to have their own family Thanksgivings, they took most of the more disagreeable and offensive political opinions with them.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:12 AM on November 22, 2013


My Mom: Does [your daughter] have a boyfriend?
Me: No, she has a girlfriend. I have told you this several times.
My Mom: No you haven't.
Me: Yes I have and so has [my daughter].


Here's how this scene would play at my Episcopalian/Unitarian/Jewish/Atheist family Thangs-giving:

Grandma: Does [daughter] have a girlfriend?
Me: No, Mom.
Grandma: Give her time dear, she's only been at college a few months!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:29 AM on November 22, 2013 [9 favorites]


Thanksgiving was never really a hassle until recently when a cousin married into an FFV family, the older generations of which takes great pride in their colonial descent. Family gatherings are now largely unbearable when those individuals are present, as they cling to their family elder status as a shield for all their genteel intolerance.
posted by elizardbits at 11:46 AM on November 22, 2013


Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Some years my birthday falls on it, and it's even better. When we were kids, it used to just be the nuclear family, 'cause we'd moved far away from everyone else, and we four enjoyed my stepmother's turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, green beans, salad, home-baked rolls and apple pie (never pumpkin). That was the only major holiday we spent with Dad and my stepmother. My brother and I spent the rest of the big holidays with our mother (she had visitation), and Christmas was with my stepfather's big Armenian family and there was some of that tension among cousins everybody talks about, but the food was great -- both American and Armenian traditional dishes -- and my brother and I were like royalty anyway because we were only around every so often and people wanted to be nice to us and especially to our mother, who only had visitation.

For a bunch of years after I moved to SoCal, I'd trek out to my Gramma's place in Palm Desert to spend Thanksgiving with her and my stepgranpa Leo (they never actually married). Gramma was a terrible cook, and over time I took over the duties in the kitchen. One year Leo was in charge and he made schnitzel (he was Austrian) instead of turkey, and that was awfully good. A couple years later, when Gramma and Leo had slipped their separate ways into dementia, and the families separated them into separate old folks homes, I started attending Thanksgiving at my uncle's place in Orange County. My step-cousin is a good guy (he works for UPS) -- charming and funny -- and while this is not a Thanksgiving holiday tradition, one of our Fake Christmas traditions (we had to have an extra, because of all the step-families), was meeting my step-cousin's latest wife. His most recent has been around for several Thanksgivings (and Fake Christmases) running. My aunt makes terrific stuffing.

Last year, when my Uncle was in the hospital, my Aunt decided she couldn't host, so we went up to my Dad's up north. His wife's family is big (not my stepmother -- she left a long time ago and her family was small) -- and there's lots of drama, but also lots of American and Central European food (they're Czech), and again, because my wife and I are from so far away, we are spared the brunt of it, save occasional asides to fill us in on where things stand. My dad's wife has several sisters and a brother, and it appears that the scheming and alliance shifting stretches all the way back to their childhood and so no hurt really lasts for long. This year will be kind of a downer up there, however, because the Patriarch of that big Czech family died a couple of days ago. I'm hoping they decide to hold off on the scheming over the estate for a few days -- at least until my wife and I are back home, and the planning for the Christmas shindig with her big family gets underway in earnest.

We always host.
posted by notyou at 11:47 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


This Thanksgiving should be fun. The Spousal Unit (thanks Metafilter, for that term) and I were married in October. We "came out" as Buddhist at the wedding, which was no shock to my immediate parents, spouse's parents, or our friends, but my father's side of the family is very very Southern Baptists and they did not know. We got a few snide "keep Jesus in your marriage" notes on the Paper Cranes we had the guests write on.

This will be the first large family event since then and it should be....interesting. It helps that they hold the get-together in the church my grandparents helped build.

We plan to keep a running counter as to how many passive agressive comments are made as well as many times we are asked about when we are having kids.
posted by Twain Device at 11:48 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


notyou --- I too have a birthday always falls on the day of/the day after/the day before Thanksgiving. It's really not much fun because you never get cake; you always get a slice of pie with a candle in it and oh ho yes that is the funniest joke let us repeat it every year dammit i want cake.
posted by Kitteh at 11:51 AM on November 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


one year he offered to take the whole job on by himself, so long as he was allowed to play Jethro Tull's "Thick As A Brick" while doing so. Like I said - my family is weird wonderful.

ftfy
posted by marxchivist at 11:53 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry, Kitteh. I always got cake.
posted by notyou at 11:55 AM on November 22, 2013


You know what's hard to deal with? The typical kind of half-assed, passive-aggressive bigotry you get in many families. People who send you lazy email forwards, who don't want a debate so much as they want everyone else to shut up and pretend they agree about the horribleness of (gays/illegal immigrants/atheists/liberals/etc.)

They want the field all to themselves, so they can continue to live in the world in their head, in which everyone agrees with them gays and immigrants are destroying America and that's good and natural and they are ok and nothing ever has to change. And everyone loves their delicious homemade pie.

When you do speak up, the bristling is not just about you disagreeing, but about you breaking that bubble that they are so very invested in. That's why you get chastised for "hurting their feelings" and "not having manners." It is rude, in a way, to publicly denounce someone's illusions while also eating their homemade pie. It can't help but be.

I don't think there's a right answer. I've learned only to a) always have transportation, so I can book out if need be and b) have some booze/something to read/something fun to do available to me.
posted by emjaybee at 12:03 PM on November 22, 2013 [10 favorites]


Thanksgiving was never really a hassle until recently when a cousin married into an FFV family, the older generations of which takes great pride in their colonial descent.

Oh Christ, are we letting them out of the state now? I suppose it's good that they're outbreeding at least; obnoxious as the FFV can be, one wouldn't want to see them all getting genetic diseases like European royalty or line-bred Cocker Spaniels.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 12:09 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


My extended family Thanksgivings are usually drama-free, but do serve to remind both my relatives and me why I live far away and why they have never lived outside of a 25 mile radius of where they were born.

Thanksgiving is when people who would otherwise never interact voluntarily spend time together, with alcohol. And people ask why that goes wrong...?

There's also the timing issue -- the reason so many kids come out to their parents on Thanksgiving, or where the issue comes to a head, is because for many who are at college far away from home, it's their chance to tell their parents in person, and occasionally it becomes an issue because of wanting to invite a significant other for the family celebration. It's heartbreaking to see that go really, really wrong.
posted by olinerd at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Flexible Fuel Vehicles? You mean driving a Prius is akin to a hate crime now? Man I'm behind on the times. I assumed it went the other way.
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


notyou --- I too have a birthday always falls on the day of/the day after/the day before Thanksgiving. It's really not much fun because you never get cake; you always get a slice of pie with a candle in it and oh ho yes that is the funniest joke let us repeat it every year dammit i want cake.

My birthday falls in the same time frame, and I always thought of it as a blessing precisely because I could demand sweet potato pie for my birthday and not get stuck having to eat inferior cake. Just the other day my wife asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday and I hemmed and hawed about how she didn't need to make me a cake, and she pressed, and I said no, no, don't bother, and then she pressed again, and I just shouted "PIE! THE ANSWER IS PIE! THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS PIE!"
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:14 PM on November 22, 2013 [11 favorites]


I just looked up FFV (First Families of Virginia, right?) - oh dear I feel sorry for you! I have one of those as a Facebook friend and she never shuts up about it.
posted by maggiemaggie at 12:22 PM on November 22, 2013


FFV = First Families of Virginia. Ultra-WASP plantation aristocracy: Custises and Lees and Byrds and so on for about 50 more family names. Often bigoted in a rather insular and thoughtless way, about a century and a half past their glory days. If nothing else the accents are usually sort of charming.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 12:23 PM on November 22, 2013


I thought elizardbits was saying her cousin married someone from Final Fantasy V. It was a confusing time.

I loathe Thanksgiving. Last year was the first where I successfully made my excuses and didn't travel home, and I still managed to get into a protracted screaming fight with my stepmother over the phone, and spent most of Orphan Thanksgiving trying not to cry in front of all of my work friends, so it was a lot more like Thanksgiving At Home than I'd really hoped for. We'll see how this year goes.
posted by kagredon at 12:26 PM on November 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


This is the first year we're hosting. The only guest we have is a good friend of ours who is at least as weird as we are. It's going to be great.
posted by Foosnark at 12:28 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is our first year hosting as well. Usually we go see my in-laws or they come to us, but my wife didn't want to travel this year, so we're staying put. The guest list is my parents, two former coworkers of my wife (different jobs, they've never met), one former coworker is bringing her dog and her brother, the other is bringing her boyfriend. There's no one in the group who has met everyone who'll be at Thanksgiving; two people keep claiming they're going to come dressed as a pilgrim and an Indian. I expect it to be a blast.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:33 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


As a queer person, I question coming out just before or during a *family* occasion. It seems self-centered and counter-productive if winning hearts and minds is the goal.
The holiday get-together - Thanksgiving (do Canadian queers come out for Canadian Thanksgiving?), Xmas, Passover, Easter, Eid, Diwali, whatever.... is not about any individual. If we know our coming out's not going to be well-received, why are we making drama? If we think people might be mean to our just-introduced significant other(s), what is the point we expect to make, and to whom?
Are we coming out to everyone at once to get it over with, which is at least a strategy? Are we saying "Queers do , get used to it"?

As for the food, brine (if it's not kosher and pre-salted) and then BBQ/hot smoke the turkey a la Cook's Illustrated. Leaves the whole kitchen/stove/oven free for everything else, and requires being attended to maybe three times (add coals if it's a big bird, turn it 180 degrees and flip over once). Even better: partially hot-smoke it and then dust with cornstarch and deep-fry it, whole. Mmmmmmmm.

posted by Dreidl at 12:33 PM on November 22, 2013


Because it might be the only time during the year when the entire family is present? And you can get it over with all at once?
posted by elizardbits at 12:35 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


This seems totally alien to me. Most of my post-college Thanksgivings were on the other side of the country from all of my relatives, so we almost always host a gathering of our friends, and when I was a kid, it was pretty much the same deal. I think of it as the low-stress holiday compared to Christmas, since I love doing big cooking shindigs occasionally anyway - it's one of the few things where I feel like a Real Adult. We just get together, eat a lot of tasty things, and catch up.
posted by tautological at 12:37 PM on November 22, 2013


People will either say "this is about family, don't make it about you and your sexuality". Or they will complain that you told them over the phone because you couldn't during family time.

If a holiday stops being family time because someone had the gall to let their family know something fundamental about themselves, it isn't a holiday worth saving. Sorry Aunt Bettie if you are too distraught to serve the turkey because your nephew is a sodomite. Poor Grandpa can't sip his rye because his granddaughter is a lesbian.

If that is making it all about you, then so is bringing your spouse and kids: something that yells out "hey, look at how hetero I am! I love fucking my wife's pussy so much we made kids!". If you can't have family time with all of your family you should just eat your pie and shut up, bigoted uncle Steve.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:46 PM on November 22, 2013 [22 favorites]


It's 2013. If someone has a problem with it, fuck 'em.
posted by kafziel at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

This is my fourth year hosting a Thanksgiving potluck for 'orphans' who don't have family around for the holidays. Mostly it's people who have family out of state (or country), but there's usually one or two people who cryptically have family nearby and mention they still prefer the holiday with strangers or coworkers. I personally use hosting Thanksgiving as an excuse for why I can't travel home for the holidays so no judgement here.

So a bunch of people come over and bring me food and beer and pie and board games. The few non-Americans try to figure out what marshmallows are doing on those sweet potatoes and everyone plays musical chairs with the serving spoons and sometimes with the chairs themselves. That's pretty much it for drama.

I think Thanksgiving potlucks with a mix of people I sort of know are way, way more fun than Thanksgiving with family ever was when growing up, so this is now my tradition and will be for the foreseeable future. I mean, as an adult you get to make your own traditions. I don't think people exercise that option enough.

We've only got 6-7 people this year so, um, if you are a Thanksgiving orphan in LA that doesn't mind most of the conversation probably being about games, there's a few spots open.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 12:48 PM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


Due to being the only person in my family who doesn't think that the President is a lying, cheating, communist, Muslim douchebag, I've decided to forego the drama and skip the festivities. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday so missing out on the turkey and dressing is going to suck, but I think it's a fair trade off to not hear about how St. Dubya will lead us all to the holy land.
posted by BrianJ at 12:56 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think it's a fair trade off to not hear about how St. Dubya will lead us all to the holy land.

Please, we all know that Saint Ronnie will come again to lead us into salvation.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:59 PM on November 22, 2013


Oh please, Saint Ronnie couldn't hold Dubya's jock and they KNOW IT!
posted by BrianJ at 1:01 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was born 51 years ago. I knew that there were gay people in the world pretty much since birth. I guess because we have a ton of gay family members, starting with our Great Uncle Matthew, we've had those generations to realize that "hey, to each his own."

I'm still baffled that it's even a discussion. As a straight person, I didn't have to go around telling everyone about my sexual preferences. I just live my life. I kind of wish it wasn't a discussion gay folks have to have. You like who you like and you bring them home for dinner. What's the fuss?

It's not about being closeted, it's about feeling like a goddam citizen of this world without having to explain things to people.

Now if some bigot feels the need to say something mean, I'm going to try my best to educate him or her. That goes for sexuality, race and religion.

Honestly, I am OVER this whole topic. Just introduce your lover to your family. They either like that person or they don't. Now pass the gravy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:01 PM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: just eat your pie and shut up, bigoted uncle Steve.*
Now pass the gravy.

*Sorry, I felt compelled to do this.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:09 PM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have a beautiful thanksgiving every year.

I wake up late, get Punjabi food, and spend the whole day watching movies in my jammies. There is no screaming or guilt or bigotry.

I strongly recommend it - feel free to substitute another kind of restaurant that is traditionally open on holidays.
posted by winna at 1:41 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


"...one young man told me after that he had just come out to his family the week before and that his father told him he was never welcome at his home again and that he is no longer his son"

Any parent who would no longer love their children upon learning about their sexuality didn't love them to begin with. Coming out is just an easy excuse for them to try to shift the guilt.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:49 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


AH, family. The ties that bind. And, sometimes, strangle.

When I was a kid we had nice Thanksgivings, but a lot of that is because they were often held at our uncle and aunt's house, who at least seemed a lot more progressive than the rest of the family. Now, it's not that Brunswick, Georgia Thanksgiving is contentious, it's that it's not -- it's a bunch of very southern people talking about and enjoying very southern things, and other than the occasional getting cornered by little kids asking for help with Pokemon (I still have that reputation as a video gamer even though I really don't play much off of a computer anymore) and adults needing computer advice, for the most part I just go, eat, and quietly leave.

To my knowledge, none of our family has ever admitted to the rest of the family that he or she is gay. I kind of wish someone would.
posted by JHarris at 1:59 PM on November 22, 2013


This is obviously the most effective way to get someone to quit being gay.
This was great, but there's a small chance it could fall flat:

When someone claims that "being gay" is a choice, an evil temptation, etc, that may just be because they're parroting propaganda... but it may be something they honestly believe themselves. Lots of bisexual people must be born into bigoted families, no? Wouldn't the upbringing sometimes take hold? If a bisexual bigot misdefines "being gay" as "acting on your homosexual feelings", they might simply mistakenly conclude that everybody experiences the same sorts of feelings but can choose whether or not to resist them.
posted by roystgnr at 2:02 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


subject_verb, I'm right there with you (and if we had more space, I'd happily expand the LA festivities at my place - as it is, we're probably going to have 14 people packed in our apartment, nerding out over board games and mocking the console wars.) Turkey Day with friends is delightful and inspires only competitive cooking.
posted by tautological at 2:18 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


If that is making it all about you, then so is bringing your spouse and kids: something that yells out "hey, look at how hetero I am! I love fucking my wife's pussy so much we made kids!". If you can't have family time with all of your family you should just eat your pie and shut up, bigoted uncle Steve.

Gah, thank you. I find it really odd that this guy makes exceptions for wedding announcements which are all about breeding and fucking, when it comes down to it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:28 PM on November 22, 2013


I get to have two Thanksgiving dinners this year. The first one, this Sunday, is with my wife's family, where, at various points throughout the day, I expect to be entertained as her nephew and his grandfather spew every anti-Obamacare talking point they've heard from FOX News and the talk radio klan. It's possible gay marriage will be on the agenda, too, since Indiana is running headlong toward enshrining a ban in our constitution. Joy.

On Thanksgiving day, we will be at my cousin's home. Where sanity prevails. And beer.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:43 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am the Scrooge of Thanksgiving. Useless holiday. Turkey isn't even GOOD. I mean, it's not bad, but it's no Christmas Eve Swedish Meatballs or Easter Potatoes au Gratin of The Lord.

My parents have been divorced since I was a baby. Since my mom's birthday is Christmas Day... that meant that Thanksgiving found me with my father's family and they never really heated the house properly and it was COLD and BORING and my Nana is one of the worst cooks in the history of food being cooked.

Add to that a long string of bad luck surrounding Thanksgiving: minor car accidents, semi routine hospitalization... Gddamn useless holiday. Family squabbles never even entered into it. That would have at least added some entertainment.

This year, we're hosting my parents and I ordered the whole dinner from Whole Foods to avoid the "COOK ALL THE THINGS" stress and I look forward to creating a new tradition : Today, We Eat Stuffing And Take Naps and Give Zero Fucks.
posted by sonika at 2:54 PM on November 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


If that is making it all about you, then so is bringing your spouse and kids

QFT. Thanksgiving is about celebrating family. This is also presumably the point of bringing your same-sex partner to meet your relatives, not to rub your edgy homosexuality in the squares' faces or whatever.

Where you should really not come out is in a moving car.

Turkey isn't even GOOD.

Pistols at dawn, even if we're not considering the zero-effort cold turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce the next day.
posted by en forme de poire at 2:57 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


If you have to slather on eight different herbs and spices and sauces and gravy on something just to make it palatable, then it is NOT GOOD.

This is the hill I will die on. Go make a series of ducks. Ducks are natures' most perfect food and suitable retaliation for letting them shit all over our nations parks and collection ponds.
posted by The Whelk at 3:00 PM on November 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


The Whelk,
You are cordially invited to the next time I cook a turkey. I will cook one especially for you if you like. If you like, I will use no special herbs besides salt and pepper. Personally, I like to use a few herbs - not eight mind you - but a few. I also like to use strategically placed bacon, a megaton of stuffing, and well, care.

I follow a very simple family recipe, modified one way by the addition of bacon (helps in the self-basting process). I've brined, I've deep fried, I've spiced, I've changed the stuffing, I've tried it all. To date, I prefer to think of my dad slaving in the kitchen all thanksgiving morning, the smell of butter and celery and onion on the stove, and him telling us tales of his mother, my grandmother, a lady whom I never had the opportunity to meet. Intermittently you can run back and forth to the television to watch the parade (let me know now, and I'll record it for you - I know... that sounds odd and all given where you are, but it is an important part). Periodically someone will hand you some french toast with real maple syrup and hot cocoa. You can hang out in your pajamas, your bathrobe and your slippers all morning if you like.

At noon, we'll have a little treat, I'll serve you the sweetbreads that aren't going into the gravy along with some cheese and some summer sausage with the sweet spicy mustard. Maybe we can set up a dartboard on the back deck. In my childhood, this was in the barn, but the whole point is to have a little comradare in the cold. We will eat around 3:00. There will be wine.

This invitation is good for whenever. It will be different than I remember, but we can all make it into an enjoyable experience together.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:14 PM on November 22, 2013 [8 favorites]


I had to come out as a vegetarian at Thanksgiving years ago. To this day, Thanksgiving is a day of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and rolls.

My family is loving and accepting and would still love and accept my partner and me if I were gay, but no one loves me enough to make a Tofurky for me.

I know how blessed/fortunate I am, but I still secretly suspect they are trying to kill me with a carbohydrate overdose.
posted by 4ster at 4:00 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Flexible Fuel Vehicles?

Final Fantasy V, at least according to Google Definition.
posted by sneebler at 4:10 PM on November 22, 2013


but no one loves me enough to make a Tofurky for me.

No one should make a Tofurky for anyone ever because it is awful, look to some nut-based veggie recipes or cous-cous garlic stuffing or even The Wonderful World OF Baked/Mashed/Fired winter gourds or an orzo soup with winter vegetables, figs dipped in honey and coated in sesame. Even a cranberry Cesar Salad or Waldorf is better than ToFurky.
posted by The Whelk at 4:18 PM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


If you have to slather on eight different herbs and spices and sauces and gravy on something just to make it palatable, then it is NOT GOOD.

Renaissance Festivals.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:26 PM on November 22, 2013


I thought this article was going to be about how to handle it when your family members say horribly homophobic or racist things. I used to be a take a deep breath and let it go person, but now I have a kid who understands most of what's going on and I need a new method.
posted by gerstle at 4:46 PM on November 22, 2013


Stabbings.
posted by The Whelk at 4:52 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


If you have to slather on eight different herbs and spices and sauces and gravy on something just to make it palatable, then it is NOT GOOD.

Really? I slather on eight different herbs and spices to make stuff go from merely tasty to stab-your-grandmother-for-the-last-piece delicious. But I know what I'm doing, which is going to make a difference. If there's any MeFites in Sydney over Christmas, I generally do a Christmas Day lunch for friends - you are cordially invited.
posted by ninazer0 at 5:47 PM on November 22, 2013


For a while we had to have renal diet friendly Thanksgivings, and we ended up getting into the habit of eating Cornish hens and leeks. Really a pretty big improvement, I mean if you're already being an idiot and not eating honey-baked ham anyway.

But meh, I hate holidays. It always feels like you're doing it wrong. Unless you get crazy drunk, maybe. Once I tried to go all out and do it *completely* wrong, which meant putting on only one light in the apartment and sharing re-heated lental-and-canned-tomato casserole with a friend. That kind of backfired, though, so now I try to sort of participate. And don't eat vegan casseroles anymore, bleh.

But if you're trying to do it right, and so you're getting crazy drunk...who *wouldn't* over-share about their sexlife in that circumstance? So I guess what I'm saying is that I come down on the side of coming out at the dinner table while blacked out. And you should do it every year, because if there's one thing holidays are about, it's tradition.
posted by rue72 at 5:55 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


The holidays should be like any good party, if you remember it then you're doing it wrong.
posted by The Whelk at 6:03 PM on November 22, 2013


I thought this article was going to be about how to handle it when your family members say horribly homophobic or racist things. I used to be a take a deep breath and let it go person, but now I have a kid who understands most of what's going on and I need a new method.

I told my dad privately that he and his siblings could either lay off the racist jokes and commentary on the holidays, or my kids and I could celebrate elsewhere. That was actually pretty effective for many years. I don't know what he told them, but they refrained while we were there, at least.
posted by headspace at 6:04 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nanukthedog: At noon, we'll have a little treat, I'll serve you the sweetbreads that aren't going into the gravy...

I went camping with my older son's Boy Scout troop two weekends ago. The troop's tradition is to invite the oldest Webelos (Cub) Scouts to join them (they sleep in a cabin), and then some of the adult leaders & dads cook a HUUUGE dinner while the Boy Scouts do stuff -- and then all the Scouts' families drive down to join in the meal.

This year we did 60lbs. of mashed potatoes and six turkeys, and just a ton of food. One of the dads works in a commercial kitchen, so as I stood there peeling spuds next to a pediatric dentist who minced onions and wept, we smelled this amazing smell. It was Bruce The Chef, who'd fried up all six livers with some salt and pepper.

We each grabbed a fork and had a bite. The first mouthful was strong, and some forks were dropped…but moments later the rest of us went back and wiped that plate clean. :7)
posted by wenestvedt at 7:17 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I used to be a take a deep breath and let it go person, but now I have a kid who understands most of what's going on and I need a new method.

The traditional method is alcohol and swearing in your grandparents' native tongue.
posted by elizardbits at 7:24 PM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


Ya know, I can't help but think: if it weren't for family revelations about homosexuality at holidays, there probably wouldn't be nearly as much social advancement in this area. It's one place where confrontations, and hopefully acceptance, are unavoidable.
posted by JHarris at 7:57 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd like to give my family racists a lecture except ...... they really have no idea they are saying anything offensive at all. So instead of a blanket Don't Be a Racist Asshole In Front Of My Kids lecture I have to sort of challenge individual statements .... and I hate to let it stand but I find it hard to do that well.

"Well son, he's making a joke that's predicated on the assumption that giving your child an extremely unique name is damnable and a sign of poor character, and that in turn is based on our common understanding that that is a Thing Black People Do, but really we know that people can be smart and awesome no matter what their names are! So ....... hope that cleared it up for you and that you won't be absorbing any awful stereotypes today! YUM, pumpkin pie, your favorite!"
posted by gerstle at 9:20 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Most of my family are 2/3rds of a continent away. This is on purpose. The few that are closer, would never be so crass as to suggest a holiday meal together. That's why I love them. Surprisingly one of the worse thanksgivings I ever spent was an orphan thanksgiving. Oh man, it's a hilarious story when I'm in the mood but I'm not now. So suffice that one friend accidentally insulted another friend who, quite rightly put her in her place. I will never have another holiday meal with that woman. Unfortunately, the friend who was correct will never have one with me. I hate holidays.
posted by evilDoug at 9:58 PM on November 22, 2013


I'm happy so many of you are turkey wizards, but frankly, I'd rather work less hard and have Ducksgiving with The Whelk. I am haunted by so many dry, tasteless turkey meals ya'll.

(I have already put family on notice that any Thanksgiving I have to host is gonna be pork ribs. They can still bring stuffing if they choose.)
posted by emjaybee at 11:15 PM on November 22, 2013


ALL HAIL DUCK

DUCK IS LIFE
posted by The Whelk at 11:17 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Aaaand the winner of the 'activate homesickness' award is Nanukthedog, although holidays with my family are generally intensely dull and my mother cannot cook a turkey to save her life.

I'm hoping to move a bit closer to London next year; I imagine the Thanksgiving service at St Paul's will become my new tradition.
posted by kalimac at 3:33 AM on November 23, 2013


Not a single person in my huge extended Catholic family has come out. It's statistically near-impossible that none of them are LGBT. I've always found this so sad; some of them must be desperately unhappy. I almost wish I were gay so I could pave that trail for them, as I already don't give two fucks what my bigoted family thinks.
posted by nev at 9:26 AM on November 23, 2013


So my son's girlfriend is going to Thanksgiving with us because her family doesn't approve of her not being christian and living in sin with my son. So we win!
posted by octothorpe at 10:19 AM on November 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


Two years ago my brother proved that you don't need a ton of herbs and spices on the turkey - all you need is bacon.

Our family Thanksgivings altered when my brother got married - his family alternates which in-law gets custody for Thanksgiving year to year, so I only see them every other year on Thanksgiving (we get them on Christmas those years). When he hosts Thanksgiving, that's when we get aunts and uncles and sets of cousins and their families all together again like the old days.

But the other years, the other cousins and relatives all go to their in-laws and it dwindles to just my parents, one aunt, and me. So a few years ago we all just started picking a restaurant and just having lunch there, on a weekend before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving proper, everyone else I know is all at their families' things, so I end up making myself something suitably indulgent, staying in my pajamas all day and watching trash TV. And every single time when I tell people about that, they hesitate, their eyes unfocus slightly as they think about it, and then they say, "that sounds fantastic."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:30 AM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


To my knowledge, none of our family has ever admitted to the rest of the family that he or she is gay. I kind of wish someone would.

But only if they really are gay. Not, you know, just to see if they can get a rise out of Aunt Ethel.

It's kinda nice to live in a boring family with no holiday drama. You're gay? That's nice, pass the gravy.

The gravy's all gone? WHAT THE HELL?
posted by BlueHorse at 6:13 PM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


I had to check the calendar on Thursday, because I wasn't sure if Thanksgiving was then, or next week. Isn't life grand? Not that I dislike that day. LOL! I _LOVE_ turkey. All this talk of "impossible to cook well" makes no sense to me. I only ever got poor results once, and that was when I tried "fresh". (I'm not a foodie. I prefer frozen/processed whole turkeys pre-basted with primarily turkey broth, the way God intended).

First time I had my own place and Thanksgiving happened, I had my own. I guess y'all call it "orphan" Thanksgiving. My roommate didn't have local family, and he hung with the international students, so we invited a bunch over for the American holiday. It was GREAT! I was the ripe old age of 18. :-))

I sometimes make turkey for the day, if I can find some I like. Sadly, I can't even seem to find turkey leg quarters this year. Breast pieces, yes, but that's boring. I like the strong taste of the dark meat. But mostly I don't really care, and just ignore the holiday. Maybe I'll make popcorn this year, just to mark the tradition. I don't do that very often.
posted by Goofyy at 12:59 AM on November 24, 2013


I could be that media and entertainment of all stripes love strife (it's so much easier to tell a story with conflict) but American portrayals or American thanksgiving, more than anything else, make me happy and proud to be a Canadian.
posted by mce at 10:03 AM on November 24, 2013


mce, IMO, Thanksgiving is actually one of the least stressful American holidays. You don't have to obsess over buying anyone gifts, you don't have to somehow get an entire tree From The Outside into your house and decorate it, you only have to deal with a single crowded store as opposed to dozens, etc.* Compare, for example, Christmas where my parents legit almost got a divorce over the goddamn tree one year. At Thanksgiving you just sit around with people you haven't seen in a while and stuff yourself and drink and tell stories and catch up with each other. Normal family awkwardness aside, this is pretty much everything I want in a vacation.

* (not counting Black Friday here because you can just stay the fuck inside and do nothing the next day and it is way better)
posted by en forme de poire at 12:39 PM on November 24, 2013


mce, IMO, Thanksgiving is actually one of the least stressful American holidays.

New Years. New Years is the perfect holiday.

There is no expectation that you spend it with your family (but you can if you want to!), it scales to however much time, energy, and tolerance for other people you have after the holidays (both staying in and watching TV in your pajamas and going out partying are considered valid ways to celebrate), most of the celebration happens at night and sleeping in is expected, it advocates drinking and kissing in a way that no other holiday does, the food is good (champagne, soup, oysters, gao, brunch food, rice cakes, liquor)*, and no matter how bad your year has been, it's all about looking ahead and optimism.

I love New Years.

although, I got into a weird conversation this week about how the blurring of lines between LNY and...solar New Years? is mostly a Hawaii thing, but--what are you supposed to eat when you're hung over the next day??
posted by kagredon at 1:03 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


oh, and I forgot the explosions. Drinking, kissing, explosions.
posted by kagredon at 1:11 PM on November 24, 2013


New Years has gotten better now that I live somewhere where I can walk home from a party. I'm generally the designated driver so I never could get too wild unless we stayed home. The transit system here shuts down at midnight and taxis are mythical so you're either walking or driving home from a New Years party. But fortunately we live in a neighborhood that is both walkable and loves a party so there's usually a semi-private party at the corner bar that's about a hundred feet from my front door.
posted by octothorpe at 1:45 PM on November 24, 2013


Oh dear...

Look, not that I don't appreciate the actions of the Mayors Against Gun Violence, but actively encouraging family argument about gun control by the use of a cutesy placemat just seems wrong on some basic level.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:54 PM on November 25, 2013


ALL HAIL DUCK

DUCK IS LIFE


Actually, just found out that my family *is* doing duck for Thanksgiving this year.

New Years. New Years is the perfect holiday.

Halloween is better. You get to do all the above, but it's warmer and everyone is in costume.
posted by rue72 at 4:01 PM on November 25, 2013


Every year I read about the awful family Thanksgivings that some people have, and I'm thankful, so very much, for the fact that the huge blended family Thanksgiving that my mother and stepfather put on every year at their Mississippi home is always such a delight.

My wife and I only go on alternate years (this was one; we split the big holidays between her people and mine), and it's a chore to get there (we live in Texas, and Baton Rouge is IN THE GODDAMN WAY), but it's nice. There's never yelling. The food is always good. It's sort of amazing, because we're talking about a group that includes, in a big year, as many as 40 people. My stepdad has 4 adult daughters, all with at least two children. My mom has my brother and I, and we're both married; he has a daughter. My mother's brother and his wife come nearly every year, though his kids have grown up and moved away and rarely come with him.

It's a large and diverse group, in age and education and politics and nearly everything else, but we all just cram in around the 2 or 3 or 4 tables, and enjoy seeing each other. I don't have much in common with most of John's side -- all the kids were grown when mother and John married -- but I like them fine. They're good people. I love seeing my uncle and his family, and my brother is one of my best friends. And as my mother (73) and stepfather (79) get older, it seems increasingly important to make the trip.

When you're little, you think all families are mostly like yours, even as your own changes and surprising and sometimes traumatic ways. The truth is I'm fantastically lucky, and always have been, where family is concerned. I wish I could share mine with more people.
posted by uberchet at 4:06 PM on December 2, 2013


Agreed, uberchet. The biggest conflicts that arose on Thanksgiving with my family came when my brother, my father and I -- who all of us can get a little territorial in a kitchen - attempted to cook together. My father and brother were getting in a lively debate over the proper application of the dry rub and I was there trying to elbow them aside all "fuck the dry rub I gotta roast the carrots somebody gimme a god-damn knife". I think my mother and sister-in-law were on the verge of pouring themselves wine and taking seats in the hallway so they could point and laugh.

The kids had just gotten two very loud and obnoxious toys from their babysitter, though, so I think we all were a united front against "that damn dog thing" and "that fucking firetruck". A couple times the adults resorted to hiding them in the laundry room, and when my brother fell asleep on the couch after dinner I actually weaponized them ("come help do dishes or I'm giving your son the fire truck" was the sternest thing I said to my brother all weekend).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:14 PM on December 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


Is this the post-mortem thread?

I had Gradsgiving twice this year because...reasons? There was one big dinner with about 20 people on Wednesday (because some people who had other commitments Thursday wanted to show up), and then a dinner with a group of about 7. Potlucks both. I made doughnuts for the first and collard greens for the second. Big Thanksgiving was about as traditional as you can do with about 20 grad students crammed into someone's living room--actual turkey, stuffing, potatoes, pie, etc., and a picnic table that got set up in the living room and covered with plastic tablecloths and decorations(!)

Small Thanksgiving was more relaxed, mainly because everyone was still tired from the day before, so there was ham because no one wanted to make a turkey, and we watched Die Hard 2 and yelled at each other over cards and then I agreed to make cake at about 10 pm, which was fine except that I was sort of drunk and following the recipe on the back of the Hershey's cocoa box and got lazy and decided I didn't want to dirty up my friend's hand mixer, so I just sort of stirred everything in the pan and this turned out to be a bad idea because I wound up with a vein of egg white on one side. But it was pretty tasty, and everyone who wasn't driving was also sort of drunk at this point, so we still ate it.

Also, I didn't talk to a single person I'm related to. I suspect this might be the key to Thanksgiving for me. (I did try to call at various points but it went to voicemail; I got in touch with my dad the next day and my grandparents on Saturday, and I'm still playing phone tag with my mom.)
posted by kagredon at 5:52 PM on December 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


« Older Tearing down barriers to accessing research, one...   |   Girls Skating in Afghanistan Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments