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America Unhinged
November 26, 2013 6:26 PM   Subscribe

Evidence suggests the Knights Templar maintained a fleet of pterodactyls and used them to colonize America years before Columbus. Some disagree with this theory, as clearly the Templars’ pterodactyls would not get along with their unicorns.

While we wait for the experts to hash this one out, check out Jason Colavito’s reviews of H2’s America Unearthed. He also reviews good ole Ancient Aliens, ancient history, and as previously seen on Metafilter, Lovecraft.
posted by robocop is bleeding (41 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
I was really excited for this to be an Assassin's Creed V post.
posted by elizardbits at 6:29 PM on November 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Evidence suggests the Knights Templar maintained a fleet of pterodactyls and used them to colonize America years before Columbus.

they were eaten by wolverines - just like columbus
posted by pyramid termite at 6:39 PM on November 26, 2013


An African pterodactyl maybe, but not a European pterodactyl.‎
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:41 PM on November 26, 2013 [15 favorites]


CROATOA.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:41 PM on November 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


i haven't even clicked the links because i so much want this all to be true and don't my joy ruined by some weird short story or anything except evidence this is THE TRUTH.
posted by sio42 at 6:44 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wow, this guy is pretty prolific! There's enough material in here to fuel many a fascinating library visit, or road trip--but I'll probably just sit here and read it.
posted by TreeRooster at 6:46 PM on November 26, 2013


Knight Templar riding a pterodactyl on a poster above the caption 'I WANT TO BELIEVE.'
Fox Mulder reaches for his wallet.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:46 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


The Knights Templar. AKA, The Knights Who Say, "Nickel."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:49 PM on November 26, 2013


Between this and the previous post on leaving New York, Metafilter has either lost its collective mind or is finally tearing apart the veil of lies that shield us from the truth.

Zalgo, that's what I say.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 6:51 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Pterodactyls are dinosaurs. And dinosaurs are reptiles. So are lizards. And dinosaur even means "terrible lizard".
I think you can see where I'm going with this, elizardbits.
Your connection to the Knights Templar is now exposed! Don't even try to deny any of this evidence!

Also, I'd like to hear what Mrs. Pterodactyl has to say about all this.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 6:52 PM on November 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


pyramid termite: "they were eaten by wolverines - just like columbus"

This is nonsense. I'm pretty sure Wolverine is a vegetarian.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:53 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Anything that was really a parody would not label itself as a parody. Therefore, QUID PRO QUO, FALSE FLAG. WAKE UP SHEEPLE
posted by bleep at 7:12 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Don't watch this! It's just what the History Channelluminati want you to think! False flag, sheeple!
posted by Sys Rq at 7:32 PM on November 26, 2013


There you go, spoiling next week's Sleepy Hollow...
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:32 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm pretty sure Wolverine is a vegetarian.

You know who else was a vegetarian?
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:33 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Professor X?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:35 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Those NYC wizards would probably be quite interested in this.

I theorize that this sentiment is virtually equi-relevant in any given thread
posted by clockzero at 7:51 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


FPP: Evidence suggests the Knights Templar maintained a fleet of pterodactyls...

FTFA's first sentence: Parody: America Unhinged - "Templar Pterosaur Army"

What... what sort of crap is this? Do you really expect us to believe this "mistake" accidentally? That this doesn't have anything to do with the subtle differences between the two?
Pterodactyl: 11 letters, "dactyl" means "finger.
Pterosaur: 9 letters; "saur" means "lizard".

robocop is bleeding, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM US?
posted by IAmBroom at 7:59 PM on November 26, 2013


Also, I'd like to hear what Mrs. Pterodactyl has to say about all this.

I have been waiting my entire life for someone to utter those words instead of being badgered into listening to my opinions until their eyes glaze over.

Here is what I have to say:

Fuck the Knights Templar and the hell with this man who underrates the great advances made in all endeavors by pterodactyls (not "pterosaurs" who, like, no offense, they're great guys but they're not, you know, PTERODACTYLS). We work hard. We are explorers, fire fighters, nurses, and accountants. We care for your children and mow your lawns. We create new programming languages and write novels and play board games. Pterodactyls work hard and we are among you at all times, living our lives, keeping our heads and wings down, proud of our community and our accomplishments.

Being referred to as "winged monsters" and part of a "fleet" instead of being recognized for our many accomplishments really hurts, you know? We're not immune to pain and sadness and we're not DRAGONS. We didn't threaten Adriadne as this so-called "expert" states (ANTI-PTERODACTYL PROPAGANDA) and the continuing calumnies with which we are faced wound us. I dream of the day when young pterodactyls grow up with the respect they deserve for all that pterodactyls have done for exploration and culture.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:09 PM on November 26, 2013 [75 favorites]


Fuck the Knights Templar and the hell with this man who underrates the great advances made in all endeavors by pterodactyls (not "pterosaurs" who, like, no offense, they're great guys but they're not, you know, PTERODACTYLS). We work hard. We are explorers, fire fighters, nurses, and accountants. We care for your children and mow your lawns. We create new programming languages and write novels and play board games. Pterodactyls work hard and we are among you at all times, living our lives, keeping our heads and wings down, proud of our community and our accomplishments.

Being referred to as "winged monsters" and part of a "fleet" instead of being recognized for our many accomplishments really hurts, you know? We're not immune to pain and sadness and we're not DRAGONS. We didn't threaten Adriadne as this so-called "expert" states (ANTI-PTERODACTYL PROPAGANDA) and the continuing calumnies with which we are faced wound us. I dream of the day when young pterodactyls grow up with the respect they deserve for all that pterodactyls have done for exploration and culture.


I love this. I just love this so much.
posted by clockzero at 8:16 PM on November 26, 2013


From Texas Pterosaurs (with old timey photos) at Texas Cryptid Hunter:
Periodically, people in South and/or West Texas report sightings of giant flying creatures. Sometimes, the animals are described as huge vulture or raptor-like birds; however, some report creatures resembling prehistoric "pterodactyls". It is this latter category of sightings that I'm going to address presently. Could a small population of pterosaurs have survived to the present day and be living in the arid Southwestern region of Texas? Could these creatures be behind at least some of the thunderbird sightings coming out of the area?
Watch the skies, y'all.
posted by cenoxo at 8:16 PM on November 26, 2013


This had better show up in Sleepy Hollow
posted by The Whelk at 8:40 PM on November 26, 2013


Did you people think Joust was just a game for children, and not an important historical artifact?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:47 PM on November 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Let me say this: Being a resident of the great state of Texas, everyone knows our leathery dinosaurs are in the Dallas suburbs.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:01 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


And here I thought your leathery dinosaurs were in the state house...
posted by evilDoug at 9:30 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why do conspiracy theorists love the Knights Templar?
posted by Ironmouth at 9:38 PM on November 26, 2013


Because they are cuddly and loveable.
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:40 PM on November 26, 2013


Because they're easier to blame than the Knights Kevlar.
posted by Dr. Zira at 10:16 PM on November 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


Also less thin-skinned than the Knights Mylar.
posted by Dr Dracator at 1:41 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


No fewer than two real doctors say it, it must be TRUE.
posted by daisyk at 1:48 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


All I get to wear is a hat with white feathers.

And the unicorn threat is old
posted by rough ashlar at 4:13 AM on November 27, 2013


Why do conspiracy theorists love the Knights Templar?

History. The group still exists.

There was the military efforts of the Holy Land back in the day. Then the money-tied actions of that time. Later, another shady group worked to kill off a bunch of them. On the 13th day of a month...a Friday if I am remembering correctly.

Later in history you have known conspiracies like the Bavarian Lodge, the P2 Lodge (ok - those ties are to the knights of malta but a middle aged knight is a middle aged knight - facts be damned) and the events that inspired the anti-masonic party in the US of A.

Information about conspiracies most people will consider actual conspiracy facts lead to an intersecting Venn circle of theories about conspiracies. And when one has a name and customs that traverse the flightpath of the arrow of time which include what will be called facts about conspiracies - is it any wonder to an informed mind that of course the Knights Templar will be weaved into the narrative about what may be active or under reported conspiracies?
posted by rough ashlar at 4:29 AM on November 27, 2013


Ridiculous. What good is a knight if he can't wrangle both his pterodactyls and unicorns?
posted by nowhere man at 5:08 AM on November 27, 2013


It stands to reason, therefore, that the reason that we can find no evidence of the “lost Templar fleet” or the ships the Welsh used to reach America because they flew on their trained pterodactyls.

If this isn't the best sentence I read today, I'll eat my pterodactyl-skin hat.
posted by regularfry at 5:08 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why do conspiracy theorists love the Knights Templar?

History. The group still exists.


The Knights Templar dissolved in 1319.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:18 AM on November 27, 2013




The FNORDs show up nicely against this blue background, don't you agree?
posted by hearthpig at 5:52 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was really excited for this to be an Assassin's Creed V post.

This stuff actually makes more sense than the meta story in AC III.
posted by nathancaswell at 6:07 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Next time, on Sleepy Hollow!
posted by charred husk at 6:12 AM on November 27, 2013


They also had a battallion of land-squid shock troops.
posted by TheRedArmy at 11:18 AM on November 27, 2013


Ghostride The Whip: "Let me say this: Being a resident of the great state of Texas, everyone knows our leathery dinosaurs are in the Dallas suburbs."

You mispelled "state Legislature".
posted by IAmBroom at 11:49 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


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