What if NYC apartment brokers ran a bodega?

November 30, 2013 2:00 PM

Broker Bodega. (SLTumblr, excessive pun warning.)
posted by Anonymous (27 comments total)

****X-TRA ROOMY WELL-LIT CAT!!!**** WARM'N'COZY! THIS FE-LION IS THE _REAL_ BROOKLYN. L@@K AT THOSE PAWS. DONT LET THE ""CAT"" GET YOU'RE TONGUE CONTACT NOW ($3500)

*Wonder Bread not included
*Do not touch the cat
posted by griphus at 2:15 PM on November 30, 2013 [8 favorites]

Also this reminds me of the giant, dot matrix-printed sign the bodega across the street from my high school had. There was clip-art of a no-smoking symbol and it read

WE DO NOT SELL 'LOOSIES'

(Guess what they totally sold.)
posted by griphus at 2:18 PM on November 30, 2013 [8 favorites]

I like to imagine some kind of advanced degree you have to earn in order to be a broker in NY, like a really competitive and prestigious grad school program where they just teach you how to write ***~OBNOXIOUS _ALL CAPS_ CRAIGSLIST ADS~*** and they do internationally renowned research on what kind asterisks and tilde symbols patterns you need to optimize sketchiness and effectively piss off apartment-hunters.
posted by windbox at 2:21 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

To be fair most NYC building owners are basically dragons.
posted by The Whelk at 2:32 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

"When I saw the all-caps, underscores, and tildes I knew I had found the apartment for me," said nobody, ever.
posted by Spatch at 2:53 PM on November 30, 2013 [5 favorites]

I would rent an apartment that TRIPLED in size when wet.
posted by scratch at 3:22 PM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

ok now i really want to read a real apartment ad just for comparison
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:37 PM on November 30, 2013

Here you go, all of them you could ever want
posted by The Whelk at 3:39 PM on November 30, 2013

There you go.
posted by griphus at 3:40 PM on November 30, 2013

The direct mail marketing people use split testing to rigorously figure out whether or not their changes to copy are effective. Based upon this, they have a fairly pessimistic view of humanity and obnoxious headlines which are very well-thought-out to get the conversion they want.

It may be that the brokers stole those techniques to get the conversion they may think they want - people looking at the property, but miss out on the endpoint conversion, the sale of the property.

It also might be the case that they might have rigorously tried out alternatives and found the obnoxious method the best.

It might be the case, and I give the most credence to this, that there's a selection effect. That is, imagine that every week, the same number of well-advertised and crappily-advertised properties come into the market. The great majority of the well-advertised properties sell every week. Half of the crappily-advertised properties sell every week: then, look at Craigslist. The listings will be full of crappy advertisements.
posted by curuinor at 4:07 PM on November 30, 2013

When did the ~TILDE~ become a convention in NY real estate ad writing? It's sort of unusual.
posted by Nelson at 4:16 PM on November 30, 2013

oh god the prices

too soon
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 4:39 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

This isn't an accurate parody at all

Those photos are too sharp and well-lit
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:49 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

$2700 / 1br

Man, that's just insane. Around here that would buy a McMansion on 10 acres. But it's NYC, I know.
posted by crapmatic at 4:53 PM on November 30, 2013

Wait wait wait. Wait. Do you mean to tell me...

...do you mean to tell me that rent in NYC is super duper high??

I... I'm sorry, I need to sit down for a second.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:57 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

You might even say it's too dang large.
posted by The Whelk at 6:02 PM on November 30, 2013

My apartment was described as "sun-drained".
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 6:20 PM on November 30, 2013 [4 favorites]

Only the finest in vampire living.
posted by The Whelk at 6:33 PM on November 30, 2013

Still haven't wrapped my head around the idea of an apartment broker yet; I've never heard of one outside of NYC. Although come to think of it, I've never actually lived in an apartment as an adult.
posted by octothorpe at 7:05 PM on November 30, 2013

Came for the semi-nostalgic recollections of loosies sold at everyone's personal bodega of yore, was not disappointed.
posted by KingEdRa at 7:06 PM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

I've been out of the apartment market for a few years now. Has "L@@K" gone out of fashion?
posted by modernserf at 7:12 PM on November 30, 2013 [6 favorites]

Around here that would buy a McMansion on 10 acres.

Wait, where does twenty-seven hundred dollars buy a house on 10 acres?
posted by griphus at 7:41 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

$2700/mo pays said mortgage.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 7:42 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh! I was wondering if this amazing investment opportunity was in a swamp or the lunar surface.
posted by griphus at 7:45 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would rent an apartment that TRIPLED in size when wet.

The problem is that it loses 67% of its space when dry.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:28 AM on December 1, 2013

Bar in the corner #BOOM# done!
posted by bonehead at 6:36 AM on December 1, 2013

Here you go, all of them you could ever want

Those are just horrible.
It's like New York has breed the morlocks of real estate agents.
posted by Mezentian at 4:24 PM on December 1, 2013