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December 3, 2013 6:14 PM   Subscribe

There’s nothing better than spending a night out to dinner at one of your favorite restaurants, reveling in the food and the service, and those quality after-dinner mints in the little wrappers. Until you run into one of these people: The 44 Worst People in Every Restaurant
posted by bayani (112 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
or you run into the two authors, who apparently hate humanity.
posted by gorestainedrunes at 6:20 PM on December 3, 2013 [49 favorites]


They forgot the guy/girl who talks about whatever the latest, greatest listicle on Buzzfeed is, and insists on showing everyone at the table on his or her i-device.
posted by anewnadir at 6:21 PM on December 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Ugh, saw this come across my FB feed a few days ago. My thought was that at least half of the people listed aren't hurting or bothering anyone, and the author thus comes off as an obnoxious busybody who demands that everyone else enjoy a restaurant in the same way that they enjoy a restaurant, or not at all.

Why do you care if someone is eating alone (without reading material! heavens!), or keeps their coat on during a meal (how many restaurants even have a coat check any more?), or a couple who dares to sit together without speaking (oh yes, they must be eavesdropping on you, because you are the most interesting person in the world). Did it ever occur to you that maybe the party table really is having fun, and not just trying to convince you and themselves that they're having fun to justify what you believe is an empty life?

And that tends to water down the argument the author would make against legitimate and serious offenders, maybe about 10 of those listed.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:28 PM on December 3, 2013 [36 favorites]


Yeah, the eating alone thing got my goat. That's practically a hobby of mine. It's fun!
posted by brundlefly at 6:30 PM on December 3, 2013 [38 favorites]


Instagrammer is worst. I used to feel kind of sad for people who spent their entire vacation taking constant photos no one will EVER look at instead of actually experiencing the moment first hand. Now in the 21st century we have classless morons in the front row of concerts who watch the entire thing thing through their phone screen (yo, reality is like, totally higher def).

Worst of all: the people who haven't had a meal in the last five years that hasn't been photographed and published. It's like they found a niche in things that no one gives a shit about and leveled up to 99. Liek omg, you totally had the free-range rabbit with a lemongrass arugala vinegrette and herbed french fries??? Tell me more about the meal that's currently festering in your bowels, really, we're all jealous of your culinary fashion sense.
posted by WhitenoisE at 6:31 PM on December 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Many of these of these seem a bit overly critical like "The Sad Solo Diner" and "The Joined-at-the-Hip Couple" - definitely not a problem - and very judgemental. Looks like they were added to pad out the article.

For me, this cold be cut down to one... "The Waitstaff Abuser" - cannot stand these people.
posted by greenhornet at 6:32 PM on December 3, 2013 [9 favorites]


I'm not afraid of the coat check. I just like to keep my coat near me.
posted by Area Man at 6:32 PM on December 3, 2013


The list is half funny and half weirdly obnoxious in a "you think you’re better than me?" way.

But seriously, IT’S NOT SAD JUST BECAUSE YOU"RE EATING ALONE!. Believe it or not, there are people who don’t mind, and under some circumstances may prefer it, and can actually be alone without the TV on or staring at an electronic device. And they’re not even sad or anxious the whole time! I know, mind blowing.
posted by bongo_x at 6:35 PM on December 3, 2013 [8 favorites]


Liek omg, you totally had the free-range rabbit with a lemongrass arugala vinegrette and herbed french fries???

I, for one, actually do enjoy seeing things like this from people I know. And even if I didn't, Instagrammer would still fall solidly in the "not hurting anyone" category.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:36 PM on December 3, 2013 [9 favorites]


They forgot the guy who orders everyone who's left in the restaurant 5 minutes before close into the walk-in refrigerator and then shoots them.
posted by Flashman at 6:36 PM on December 3, 2013 [20 favorites]


This reads like the eavesdropping couple wrote it.
posted by The World's End at 6:38 PM on December 3, 2013 [7 favorites]


Do the authors point out which of the 44 they most emulate? Because I refuse to believe they are The Perfect Restaurant-Goers Who Never Do Any Of That Shit Ever.

And fuck the solo dining stigma. I frequently dine alone and it's lovely. Even better, I can bring a book and have people stare at me like I've got two heads, then bring out their phones en masse to tell the Internet about it.
posted by Spatch at 6:39 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


This list was written by a bag of foul smelling pressurized fluids on a slowly dying rock hurtling through space.

I mean, so was everything I've ever read, but this list really brings it home.
posted by poe at 6:40 PM on December 3, 2013 [58 favorites]


I’ve only been once with people who took pictures of their food, because I won’t normally associate with those kind of people. I would have got up and left, but they did fly all the way across the country and we were at a fairly expensive restaurant and they were paying. I did mock them mercilessly though.
posted by bongo_x at 6:40 PM on December 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty firmly convinced that there's only like a couple dozen real, actual Guilt-Tripping Vegans out there, and most of the people described as such are people who just happened to order a vegetarian dish one time within earshot of some overly-sensitive prick.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:40 PM on December 3, 2013 [30 favorites]


My friends are contractually obligated to let me taste their food. In fact, if we aren't ordering family style anyway, chances are we will not dine together again. I share soups. With multiple people.
posted by spamandkimchi at 6:41 PM on December 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


- The corpse. Stop being dead, loserbro! Get a life...literally! In the most literal sense possible! Stop being dead!

- The monster who eats other patrons. What's the deal, buddy? The menu not enough for you? Why don't you use those chompers on some apps, brotherman?

- The live hydrogen bomb in a wheelbarrow. Uh, hey, um, excuse me, could you please not detonate in my restaurant? Because, glurg, fnarr, hello, I live here, and the fridge isn't large enough for all of us to avoid the blast?

- The image I see of my self in the mirror. Don't think I don't see you there! I've broken too many of you guys by head-butting the mirror while hooting. You're not real! You're just always doing the same thing that I do, except backwards and with the fear-haunted eyes of a soulless automaton. Not cool, O ephemeral silvery Xerox of mine own visage!

- All living things. Yeah, uh, hi, I'm trying to work in a restaurant here, except what I actually want to do is to scour the Earth of all human life. Because, like, oh my god, to live is to lie with your every breath, and the only solution is to embrace the nothingness! Dogs must turn on their masters. The heart must poison the host. Meat into ash, to feed the gray, bleeding trees of the apocalypse. Bones twisted into scythes, which thresh the hair and nails of all the world's life into a dust that obscures both darkness and light. Hey, "person who's alive", why don't you stop fretting over the salad choices (only a ACTUAL WASTE OF EXISTENCE would order the Garden Greens!), when you could instead let your wilting, pathetic life energies fuel an eldritch golem which exists only to record the final screams of the innocent? Because I'll tell you one thing, cutting the tax from the tippable total will not delay the oncoming velvet eternity that will envelop us all in a final silent embrace. Don't worry - the pain will last forever, but you will no longer have a mind to know it.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:42 PM on December 3, 2013 [84 favorites]


When your list of wrongdoers runs to 44, you're the one not making the mark.
posted by Abiezer at 6:42 PM on December 3, 2013 [12 favorites]


45. The Judgmental Fuckwit.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:43 PM on December 3, 2013 [26 favorites]


"The Gluten-Free Evangelist Stop giving us murder eyes when we go for the bread basket. No one cares what it’s done for your “energy”."

Oh god the gluten free people, and to be fair most of them are fine. Occasionally you get the one like I have at my office. "Ah, so you read 'Wheat Belly' and now you're an accredited dietician, plant geneticist, and biochemist, and are happy to explain at length why our diet is wrong and unhealthy. It's a good thing the cigarettes you go out and smoke every hour are gluten free, otherwise you might seem like a boorish hypocritical dirtbag".
posted by Grimgrin at 6:44 PM on December 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Solo Diner is not Sad. He is merely assuring himself of good company.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:44 PM on December 3, 2013 [37 favorites]


The Waitstaff Abuser
The Tip Minimizer
The Substituter


and

The “Friends” of the Owner
The Waitress Pick-Up Artist
The Expense Account Flaunter


These almost always are the same people, sometimes all six at the same time. Yes, expense account dude(tte), it's normal for a 17% minimum gratuity for large parties. No, this didn't just now become a thing. Seriously, you're not paying for it, I'm sure throwing down an extra 3% for requesting a fucking unbreaded chicken parm without the cheese is not going to kill BoozAllen's bottom line.
posted by zombieflanders at 6:44 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Left off "speakerphone guy", two different versions of whom I've encountered, a year or so apart in the same restaurant. WTF? Phone on table, speaker on, shouting into the thing, and I can hear every word of yours AND the person on the other end. WTFWTFWTF? One time he was actually shouting his account number into the phone; I was tempted to butt in and ask "Four nine TWO five? Did I get that last part right?" Argh. Soul-destroying.

I'll put up with some guy wearing his coat indoors over that any old day.
posted by Fnarf at 6:45 PM on December 3, 2013 [14 favorites]


46. TipsForJesus Guy
posted by etc. at 6:47 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, that's not how you pronounce prosciutto, either.
posted by lydhre at 6:49 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


The Extremely Temperature-Sensitive Girl
“Why is it SO [FREEZING, HOT, UNCOMFORTABLY TEMPERATE] in this restaurant?!?”, she asks, EVERY SINGLE TIME.


Probably because like my cousin SHE HAS CIRCULATORY ISSUES, YOU FUCK.
posted by zombieflanders at 6:50 PM on December 3, 2013 [10 favorites]


See also: being pregnant.
posted by zombieflanders at 6:52 PM on December 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


I’ve only been once with people who took pictures of their food, because I won’t normally associate with those kind of people. I would have got up and left, but they did fly all the way across the country and we were at a fairly expensive restaurant and they were paying. I did mock them mercilessly though.

I'm one of those kind of people! I don't do it all the time, but sometimes food is presented so artfully I want to save a picture of it before I eat it. I also occasionally post on Chowhound about restaurants and post pictures of food. Sometimes it can be hard to get an idea of what the food is like without seeing a picture of it.
posted by pravit at 6:57 PM on December 3, 2013 [10 favorites]


People on this list more annoying than this list:

The Waitstaff Abuser
The Tip Minimizer

And I'm not sure about the second one.
posted by 256 at 7:01 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's a good thing the cigarettes you go out and smoke every hour are gluten free, otherwise you might seem like a boorish hypocritical dirtbag".

Related to the junkie that insists that everything be "organic", gets super nit-picky about the specifics of their food, talks about how clean they eat, then goes and shoots up in the bathroom. Dude/dudette, we know what’s happening in there.

I eat gluten free, because it makes me sick. I want the pizza, I want you to have the pizza. I am not judging you, I’m scowling and maybe pouting a little.
posted by bongo_x at 7:09 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


They also left off "Dude who talks so loudly the entire restaurant can hear him" and "Dude who is an EXPERT in this cuisine and wants to make sure you know."(maybe this is the 'ethnic menu over-pronouncer'?) Just on Sunday I experienced both of these in one person. I was in a Sichuanese restaurant and this guy wanted the entire restaurant to know, "I've been going here since wayyyy back...I found this place before all the ASIANS did!"

Besides taking pictures of my food with my phone, I've definitely been part of the couple who doesn't say anything. And eaten alone with no book. I may have blown my nose or not checked my coat once. Or left too much food. Or took the last piece from a communal plate. Or sat on the same side of the table as my wife. Man, Thrillist has got a lotta hate.
posted by pravit at 7:12 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


If you meet an asshole, well, there's plenty of assholes out there.

If you meet nothing but assholes...
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:13 PM on December 3, 2013 [15 favorites]


What about "Guy Who Says Fuck Over And Over And Over Again Fifty Times In One Sentence?" That's an interesting one to run into in a restaurant while out with your mom.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:14 PM on December 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


I was sad solo diner plus always burger guy for a long while and I can confirm I/it was awesome.
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:15 PM on December 3, 2013 [23 favorites]


I like that they whine about the "gluten free evangelizer" (thanks, they thought my nephew was catatonic-level autistic until they took him off gluten, and now he's a normal kid), but then turn around and bitch about the "unsolicited recommender" setting off the shellfish allergy.

Like, MY allergy is real, YOURS is just for attention, amirite?

Fuckwits.
posted by notsnot at 7:17 PM on December 3, 2013 [14 favorites]


"I've been going here since wayyyy back...I found this place before all the ASIANS did!"

Cut to a disheveled man in the pouring rain. He crouches in an empty lot. He shoves fistful after fistful of gritty clay into his mouth. His crazed, red-rimmed eyes show focus and determination.

He mutters to himself: "must eat...must discover...the Asians will be here soon..."

SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "THE RESTAURANT WOULD NOT BE BUILT FOR ANOTHER YEAR"
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:18 PM on December 3, 2013 [22 favorites]


Alan Richman

The first time I read this, I thought it said Alan Rickman, and thought that was just bizarre.

The second time I realized I had read it wrong. This time I thought it said Adam Richman (of Man vs. Food, etc.) and I thought, well I like him as a TV host OK, but at least I can understand he has the sort of on-screen personality that can rub some people the wrong way.

The third time I read it correctly and had to Google the name.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:29 PM on December 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


If you meet an asshole, well, there's plenty of assholes out there.

If you meet nothing but assholes...


...you're in LA?

[Jokes, jokes, not LA-ist]
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:32 PM on December 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


Yeah, however annoying some of these people are, I'm pretty sure that Kevin Alexander and Matt Lynch are the worst.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:33 PM on December 3, 2013


DevilsAdvocate, I thought the same as you. I googled the name after I read your comment.
posted by Fnarf at 7:34 PM on December 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


I haven't done it in a while, but when I've been on vacation, I've taken photos of my food. It's a wonderful way to remember it. I will do it again! I make no apologies! (I'm always subtle and quick about it.)

And yes to eating alone! Boo to the vegan comment (I never guilt-trip anyone for what they're eating)! And boo the gluten-free one! I've been in restaurants with people who can't eat gluten without being in bed for two days. They're always seriously polite and calm about it.

Yeah, certainly some of these people can be obnoxious, but I've seen worse behavior, really. Many of these just fall into "minor annoyances."

I'm a fan of restaurants and people who work in them! I am a great restaurant patron, though, and I almost always over-tip.
posted by darksong at 7:34 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]



Also, that's not how you pronounce prosciutto, either.

YES THANK YOU.

Plus when you're dining alone you can pretend you're scoping out the place as an elegant gentleman spy.
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 PM on December 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


The pictures I can't understand are the ones some people take of their dirty plates and wadded napkins at the end of the meal. But since I never have to look at their photo albums I'm content to be mildly bemused instead of genuinely annoyed.
posted by ceribus peribus at 8:05 PM on December 3, 2013


The funny thing about that pronunciation of "prosciutto" is learning about Slovene pršut.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:05 PM on December 3, 2013


Plus when you're dining alone you can pretend you're scoping out the place as an elegant gentleman spy.

I like to hold up a newspaper but not really pay attention to it, look around the room over the top of my sunglasses, and check my watch a lot while just sitting there acting super regular before quickly putting everything down, throwing some bills on the table and leaving quickly.
posted by bongo_x at 8:11 PM on December 3, 2013 [8 favorites]


The Ethnic Menu Over-Pronouncer

There is an entire Judge John Hodgman episode devoted to this - two friends who have come to crisis over the proper way to order "pho".
posted by R. Mutt at 8:14 PM on December 3, 2013


"pen15"?
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:24 PM on December 3, 2013


> Also, that's not how you pronounce prosciutto, either

I think people who do that, and "mozarell," are trying to sound like Tony Soprano.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:25 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]



I like to hold up a newspaper but not really pay attention to it, look around the room over the top of my sunglasses, and check my watch a lot while just sitting there acting super regular before quickly putting everything down, throwing some bills on the table and leaving quickly.


*Walks in, orders a drink, goes to restroom, leaves a silver metal briefcase ontop of the toilet in the far stall, leaves without finishing drink.*
posted by The Whelk at 8:26 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't think the 44 is a coincidence.

88 lines about 44 women

88 lines from the song.
posted by the Real Dan at 8:27 PM on December 3, 2013


I don't understand "the Food Waster." Why do you care if I'm less hungry than the people in the kitchen think I should be?
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:28 PM on December 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


I love eating alone. I saw this list last week and was bewildered that anyone would care to look at me and think I was pathetic or anything. I have no trouble getting people to come out for dinner with me, but I love to eat alone. I've only cut back recently because of concern for cost and calories, and I also love cooking alone.

Sorry, I'm great company.
posted by sweetkid at 8:30 PM on December 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


*sends covert message to sweetkid across the dining room via a carefully considered spill of the wineglass, the red is out, repeat, the red has escaped.*
posted by The Whelk at 8:32 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Eavesdropping Couple: because if you can go 30 minutes without talking, your relationship is clearly a shambles.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:34 PM on December 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


The Whelk spilled the wine, but by the time the girl dug what was happening I was out the door. I dropped the newspaper in the trash can without slowing down or looking back, the envelope still inside. It was out of my hands now, in every way.
posted by bongo_x at 9:09 PM on December 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


The pictures I can't understand are the ones some people take of their dirty plates and wadded napkins at the end of the meal. But since I never have to look at their photo albums I'm content to be mildly bemused instead of genuinely annoyed.

These pictures show up on Yelp and Facebook from time to time, always with the caption, "Done!"

I find it charming.

It irritates me when people take pictures before eating (pictures of the food or anything else), but that's probably because hunger turns me into a jerk.

I like to hold up a newspaper but not really pay attention to it, look around the room over the top of my sunglasses, and check my watch a lot while just sitting there acting super regular before quickly putting everything down, throwing some bills on the table and leaving quickly.

That pretty much describes me eating out alone, but it's not because I'm a spy, it's because I'm fidgety.
posted by rue72 at 9:19 PM on December 3, 2013


Most of this is irritating overly-critical BS, but I agree that Waitstaff Abuser and Tip Minimizer are unforgivable. I would also add "Couple Who Makes Out at the Bar" -- doubly bad if the place is actually kind of empty so you end up constantly noticing the PDA and rolling your eyes. Just go home!
posted by axiom at 9:27 PM on December 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am Sad Solo Diner, like, all the time. I appreciate the authors' generous offer but I'm already producing enough anxiety on my own, thanks!
posted by Merzbau at 9:32 PM on December 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


So glad to see The Substituter on there. Man, what is wrong with those people? Why the hell are you even eating out if you're that damned particular? Here's the damned menu. This is what you can have. Don't like it? Go home and cook yourself. Preferably literally.

Bit unfair on people who eat alone, though. Some of us don't have any friends. But hey, I tip well, I'm nice to the wait staff and I never ask if I can have eggs Florentine but with Swiss chard instead of spinach.
posted by Decani at 9:53 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Guy Who Always Gets a Burger
Dude, we’re at a Thai place. How is this still happening?!?


Maybe because you're the kind of classy Thai place that serves burgers? Just a thought.
posted by Decani at 10:03 PM on December 3, 2013


The rule of substitutions is; You are allowed to change one thing.

Besides the annoying factors already discussed, the fact is the more changes you ask for the less likely you are to get anything like what you ordered. One change will be fine. Two, and you have a 50% chance of getting the right thing, and so on. The people who ask for a custom dish every time always act surprised and angry that their order is wrong, as if that’s never happened before.
posted by bongo_x at 10:11 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


Also, that's not how you pronounce prosciutto, either.

That's exactly how my immigrant Southern Italian grandparents and all their many immigrant siblings pronounced it.
posted by HotToddy at 10:11 PM on December 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


I really enjoy looking at food photos, even amateur ones in bad lighting. I'm interested in various ingredients and flavor combinations and how things are arranged on the plate. I'm interested in what the table in general looks like. I know that not everyone shares my tastes, but I get very confused by the visceral, hostile, anti-foodpic reaction of a lot of people. Look, I don't care about your baby photos or your religious/inspirational macros on Facebook, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Look, it's not that you find it tiresome -- I find lots of things tiresome -- it's just the, you know, weird sense of anger and the haughty assumption that everyone must feel this way, and the sneaking suspicion that the anti-foodpic person might have some ISSUES related to eating, if the mere suggestion of food grosses him out that much.

The only reason I can think of why it's empirically BAD to photograph your food is that the chef intends it to go out at a certain temperature and the longer you dawdle getting the right shot, the less it's going to taste like what the house wants it to taste like. But this is also why I don't like getting food to take out if I don't live close by the restaurant -- chances are that the carryover heat will overcook the food while the time it sits out will make it lukewarm. And forget about microwaving it, that makes it even worse.
posted by mirepoix at 10:39 PM on December 3, 2013 [5 favorites]




That's exactly how my immigrant Southern Italian grandparents and all their many immigrant siblings pronounced it.


well my uncles are from Northern Italy and thus will mock you horribly.
posted by The Whelk at 10:50 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


I am Sad Solo Diner whenever I forget my book, and I guarantee you those guys who're looking at me with pity in their eyes are the same guys who interrupt when I'm reading to observe, keenly, "So, reading at the pub, huh?"

YES YES I AM SO GO AWAY.
posted by gingerest at 10:57 PM on December 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


I used to be a regular one-half of the eavesdropping couple: yes we are judging you, you wouldn't believe how much disdain for humanity can be conveyed by eye contact alone.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:17 PM on December 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


I used to eat alone purely because I think it's relaxing and I enjoy it. Now that I know it has the additional benefit of making these dickweeds squirm and writhe in their seats, I may never eat with friends again. Sorry 'bout it.
posted by en forme de poire at 12:15 AM on December 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thanks for this post! It inspired some really classy comments.
posted by hat_eater at 1:31 AM on December 4, 2013


If your list extends to 44 people then it's probably time to get take out or learn how to cook better.

That said, I think there is a special place in hell reserved for those old student days favourites:

- people who order extravagantly because they know the bill is being split evenly
- people who count every penny of 'their' part of the bill, but always underestimate what they ate, drank, should tip etc
posted by MuffinMan at 2:08 AM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


TL;DR:
This person hates you if you're
- Too quiet
- Too loud
- Too mean to the waitstaff
- Too friendly with the waitstaff
- Too affectionate to your SO
- Not affectionate enough to your SO
- Too extravagant
- Too cheap
- Overdressed
- Underdressed
- Looking at your phone
- Not looking at your phone
- Eating too much
- Not eating enough
- Complaining you're cold (because you took your coat off)
- Not complaining you're cold (because you kept your coat on)
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:44 AM on December 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


Oh and:
- Complaining about your allergies
- Offering the author something to which the author is allergic
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:49 AM on December 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


I think I'm just a little mystified by the hatred of the "ethnic over- pronouncer". I guess this is me, at least with some cuisines, but what am I supposed to do? I don't even know the "not-ethnic" pronunciation on some stuff, and would find it really weird to purposely mispronounce a word even if I did.

Also, re tip minimizing, it may not be a dick move to tip pre-tax. I know I learned it that you double the tax, which works out to about 17% anyway, but is obviously pre tax. People in states with lower sales tax may have different variants.
posted by corb at 4:50 AM on December 4, 2013


TL;DR:
This person hates you if you're
- Too quiet
- Too loud


- Complaining about people who are too loud.

I'm surprised the author forgot people who complain about other people being too quiet. I assume that was just an oversight and the author would have included that if he thought of it.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:25 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


TL;DR:
This person hates you if you're


- Dining alone
- Dining as a couple
- Dining in a group
posted by Gelatin at 6:10 AM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Every time I read another one of these articles, I get the overwhelming urge to stiff a waiter out of their tip.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:16 AM on December 4, 2013


Yes I always figured that not pronouncing the last syllable of Italian words was a regional accent thing. Every Italian American I knew growing up in a blue collar neighborhood outside of Philly did that. They were certainly not upper class foodies.
posted by interplanetjanet at 6:18 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Noise-Averse Old People: You do know you came to this restaurant of your own accord, right? And aren’t you supposed to actually hear less as you get older?

I am so happy for people like the writer who will never get old, or handicapped in any way.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 6:23 AM on December 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Ugh. I got bored halfway through, this reads like Andy Rooney's constipated ghost. Also, this dude needs to look up the term "vicarious embarrassment" if shit like this is paining him so much that he remembers it and writes about it later. "I feel anxiety for you" and feeling sad for the couple that doesn't talk (without knowing anything about them) are *classic* examples, Mr. Hector-Projector-Listicle-Man.

Instgramming food pictures is A Thing, and it may be a fad but laughing at someone for it at this point in the game is just pathetic. Does he still make fun of the "losers" that do online dating? God, I bet he does.

And has this dude ever been to the South? Because a lot of places crank the goddamned air ON PURPOSE to increase turnover and keep the kitchen staff from melting. I didn't take the bait on "Sad Lone Diner" because whatever, but "Extremely Temperature-Sensitive Girl" is just... I mean, fuck you, guy. This guy would dig up turds and leave the truffles behind.

(On preview: yeah, authorS, plural, and I don't even care enough to edit. Maybe I'll find myself on their list of the 44 Worst Kinds of People on the Internet.)
posted by polly_dactyl at 6:50 AM on December 4, 2013 [5 favorites]



well my uncles are from Northern Italy and thus will mock you horribly.

Do they pronounce it with a German accent?
posted by any major dude at 7:04 AM on December 4, 2013


45. The oh god I am contractually obligated to bang out yet another 1,000 words of linkbait before I'm allowed to leave the office and I ran out of ideas like six months ago
posted by ook at 7:49 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I apologize for being Nose Blower, but I have severe allergies and during the spring pollenpocalypse I can't be arsed to get up every 30 seconds to go to the restroom

I try to do it quietly.
posted by Fleebnork at 8:25 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


When your list of wrongdoers runs to 44, you're the one not making the mark.

I think it's supposed to be over-the-top tongue in cheek. I mean, they can't be serious about "The Guy Who Chokes on His Food and Forces You to Save His Life." Some were pretty funny.

There is an entire Judge John Hodgman episode devoted to this - two friends who have come to crisis over the proper way to order "pho".

I once got in an argument about whether it's obnoxious to pronounce "bruschetta" the correct way, i.e. "broosketta," rather than the incorrect way, i.e. "brooshetta."
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 8:27 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have an unreasonable amount of anxiety over the pronunciation thing when I go to restaurants with Spanish-language menus, since I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household but I didn't learn Spanish as a child and so now my accent is merely okay and despite my background I would appear to a stranger as exactly the Ethnic Over-Pronouncer rather than someone with any real cultural justification for rolling my Rs, but if I just go with the anglicized pronunciation then I'm suppressing a part of myself for the sake of other people's perception of me, and ... long story short, I now place my orders at those places with a Spanish Speak & Spell.
posted by invitapriore at 8:32 AM on December 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


I never know how to order a gyro. I know how it's supposed to be pronounced, and I know how most Americans pronounce it, and whichever way I say it I've had waiters correct me.

So I usually get the souvlaki instead.
posted by ook at 8:51 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is not link-bait so much as it is social-anxiety bait.
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:03 AM on December 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


well my uncles are from Northern Italy and thus will mock you horribly.

Yeah well my uncles will kneecap your uncles. Butter eaters.
posted by HotToddy at 9:12 AM on December 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Actually they'd have to do it with their walkers, the few that are still alive. But still.
posted by HotToddy at 9:13 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


My family has become the over-substituters, ever since my 7-year-old daughter was diagnosed with wide-ranging and counter-intuitive food intolerances. So now we're the people who order the cheeseburger but with the French dip roll and yes I know the kids' meal comes with apple slices but can we please get fries instead and no don't bring ketchup we brought our own, and I see that you have a Cobb salad on the menu, can I get a sliced hard boiled egg on the side? And can I see the ingredients list for your ice cream?
posted by KathrynT at 9:14 AM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


reads like Andy Rooney's constipated ghost

This is perfect.
posted by HotToddy at 9:15 AM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


What about the waiter who complains that he never makes enough money but bitches every time he gets sat with a table and treats the customers like guests who won't leave his apartment when he really wants to go to bed because it's almost midnight and he has to wake up early the next morning?
posted by exit at 9:28 AM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Instgramming food pictures is A Thing, and it may be a fad but laughing at someone for it at this point in the game is just pathetic.

I know, why can’t people give silly fads the respect they deserve?
posted by bongo_x at 10:23 AM on December 4, 2013


24) The Guy Who Chokes on His Food and Forces You to Save His Life
Damn your refusal to take smaller bites and our refusal to not be selfless heroes in the face of grave danger.


I love Metafilter. Never stop getting wound up at people who take mild potshots at some random habit you have. Seriously, if you got to 24 and still thought this list was serious, I don't know what to say.
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:35 AM on December 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Yes, we're horrible people, making judgments of a listicle based on merely the first 15 or 20 items therein. We shouldn't form an opinion of Martin Luther if we've only read 92 of his theses!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:28 PM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Never stop getting wound up at people who take mild potshots at some random habit you have, like that stupid allergy habit, you should really cut that one out.

But seriously, pretty sure you're not the only one who figured out the secret code that lets you know the authors were joking. "Just kidding" has never once negated "being a prick", though.
posted by jason_steakums at 12:59 PM on December 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Regarding over-pronunciation: if the word would be in italics when written in English, then by all means try to pronounce it "correctly". If the word would not be in italics when written in English, such as "burrito", and you're an English-speaker in an Engish-speaking restaurant, then go with the English pronunciation. If you don't care about being seen as an over-pronouncer, then feel free to continue not caring.

Regarding "prosciutto": there are regional Italian pronunciations which make it impossible for there to be One True Way to say it. These regional differences have spilled over to America. Oversensitivity to "prashoot" should be treated by a competent medical professional.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:06 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Just kidding" has never once negated "being a prick", though.

True. But I don't define being a dick as grousing about your pet peeves on the internet. Sometimes people do things that annoy other people. Sometimes those other people then complain. And then sometimes other other people take those complaints as an affront instead of random venting. C'est la vie.
posted by nooneyouknow at 1:09 PM on December 4, 2013


If they can mock, then we can mock. I'm not too serious, either. Although, I do honestly think that we should pray for the magnificent silence of the end of all things.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:11 PM on December 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


If it were funny, it would be better at being not serious.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 1:27 PM on December 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


What is worse than the Clandestine Farter is the guy who should be called "The Bugler," or worse yet, "The Tuba Section."

"Hey, everyone! It's Octoberfest!"
posted by 4ster at 7:17 PM on December 4, 2013


The Guilt-Tripping Vegan
Is the exact moment I bite into my steak tartare really the time to bring up that expose you just watched on what really happens behind the scenes at slaughterhouses? Doesn’t matter -- I’m going to enjoy it even more out of spite.


This situation has been attested to exactly 38 times in US history, and 31 of those instances were on daytime sitcoms.
posted by threeants at 8:00 PM on December 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Also, that's not how you pronounce prosciutto, either.

That's exactly how my immigrant Southern Italian grandparents and all their many immigrant siblings pronounced it.


Sure, some Southern dialects pronounce it proshut, but that's definitely not the Italian pronunciation. Odds that those people saying proshut are knowingly honoring their Southern Italian ancestry, if they have any? Slim.

/irrationally annoyed Italian woman, if I hear brushetta one more time I stab someone with a fork.
posted by lydhre at 6:24 AM on December 5, 2013


Odds that those people saying proshut are knowingly honoring their Southern Italian ancestry, if they have any? Slim.

I don't know. The vast majority of Italian immigration to the US was from Southern Italy. I think that if basically all the Italians you know do it, it's reasonable to think it's correct. And for the older generation, Italian was basically ALL dialects--few people spoke formal Italian, so it wasn't incorrect any more than another region's dialect was incorrect.
posted by HotToddy at 9:30 AM on December 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


If minestron was good enough for Louis Prima it's good enough for me.
posted by interplanetjanet at 6:24 AM on December 6, 2013


Sure, some Southern dialects pronounce it proshut, but that's definitely not the Italian pronunciation.

This is like saying "y'all" is not a phrase that exists in English, or that "color" is not a way to spell "colour."
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:35 AM on December 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


I had heard that the Sopranos accent was based on those of immigrants from Southern Italy and was an adaptation of a Neopolitan accent in in which people cut off the end of words ("proschoot," "moozadell").

Here
is a detailed PDF of some of the cultural context of Sopranos, including accents.
posted by sweetkid at 7:59 AM on December 6, 2013


Is NJ particularly rich in Southern Italian immigrants? I first heard someone drop the "o" on prosciutto in a deli in Trenton.
posted by en forme de poire at 4:59 PM on December 6, 2013


Actually yes, NJ being full of Italian Immgrants Was A Thing.
posted by The Whelk at 5:13 PM on December 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yes, full of Italian immigrants. All of said Southern Italian grandparents and uncles were in NJ. Further info: 80% of all Italian immigration to this country was from Southern Italy, and here is a list of your counties with the highest percentage of Italian Americans.
posted by HotToddy at 5:43 PM on December 6, 2013


Before I clicked that I went " I bet Bergen country is near the top." and it was.
posted by The Whelk at 5:47 PM on December 6, 2013


Yeah, we were distributed among four of the "more than 20%" counties. It felt like a lot higher percentage than that though, really.
posted by HotToddy at 6:46 PM on December 6, 2013


there's only like a couple dozen real, actual Guilt-Tripping Vegans out there, and most of the people described as such are people who just happened to order a vegetarian dish one time within earshot of some overly-sensitive prick

And why does the Guilt-Tripping Vegan loom so large, as a mythic figure you hear complaints about all the time, if it's pretty clear that very, very few actual vegetarians act that way? Projection. The whole thing makes way more sense once you realize that that overly-sensitive steak prick is being a steak prick because he feels guilty, shameful, or confused, but he deals with it defensively, by projecting his guilt onto someone else (it's their fault I feel this way) because that's easier than working it out on his own. In my experience at least, the complaint "vegetarians are always guilt-tripping me" almost always really means "I don't know how to deal with my own feelings about killing and eating animals" — it's a psychological dynamic you can find in other forms, too, like the classic "gay people are always hitting on me."
posted by RogerB at 11:00 PM on December 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


The way I've long thought of it (coming from when I was vegetarian) is that vegetarianism is in the vast majority of cases a moral stance. As such, when somebody says "I'm a vegetarian", a lot of people hear an unspoken "...and I'm better than you because of it", whether the vegetarian in question meant it or not.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:56 PM on December 6, 2013


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