Denise Richards, nuclear physicist

December 17, 2013 1:16 PM

50 Performances That Ruined Movies [deslided version here]
posted by Chrysostom (366 comments total)

How do you say Tommy Wiseau's performance ruined The Room? Tommy Wiseau's performance is The Room; if you take it away, there's nothing left but a confused-looking Denny.
posted by COBRA! at 1:20 PM on December 17, 2013 [47 favorites]

50 Performances that Failed to Save Already Terrible Movies
posted by Think_Long at 1:20 PM on December 17, 2013 [61 favorites]

Seriously, this is delusional. Taking Nic Cage out of The Wicker Man leaves nothing. SHARON STONE in Showgirls?! Shut up, just shut up.
posted by psoas at 1:21 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

Wicker Man really could have been something greater.
posted by destro at 1:21 PM on December 17, 2013

Wicker Man really could have been something greater.

Wicker Man already was something greater.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 1:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [83 favorites]

50 List Entries that Belong To Several Different Lists
posted by muddgirl at 1:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [42 favorites]

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen as Connery's worst? Somebody blocked out the trauma of The Avengers.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [12 favorites]

This whole list is like saying your blueberry pie was ruined by the fact that there were blueberries in it. If you don't like blueberries, maybe don't order that kinda pie.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 1:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [27 favorites]

Is there a single movie in this terrible-ass slideshow BS that is actually good minus the mentioned actor? Do words in English even have a meaning?

*ahem* In any event, the correct answer is Orlando Bloom in "Kingdom of Heaven". Not a great movie, but desperately needed a leading man that had actually achieved puberty.
posted by selfnoise at 1:24 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

Buuut hey, maybe it's worthwhile to compile our own damned list:

1) I wouldn't say that Sally Field ruined Lincoln, but she seemed like a community theater castmember who'd wandered in.
posted by COBRA! at 1:25 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

Wow, apparently I am a genius or remarkably prescient. I have only seen three of the movies in this list. So, unfortunately, not enough data to know whether there's any merit to the list as a whole.
posted by janey47 at 1:26 PM on December 17, 2013

And honestly, I can't think who else would have made Chris Tucker's role work in The Fifth Element. He was supposed to be a patience-testing motormouth.

I have SO MANY italicized feelings!
posted by psoas at 1:26 PM on December 17, 2013 [99 favorites]

1970s Antihero: "Wicker Man already was something greater."

Eponysterical.
posted by Chrysostom at 1:26 PM on December 17, 2013 [13 favorites]

Chris Tucker The Fifth Element (1997)

The Performance: Screeching his way through this otherwise divertingly daft sci-fi, Tucker sounds like a litter of cats slowly drowning in a futuristic river. We’re always up for a little camp silliness, but this one's a serious patience tester.

No! This misses the point! Ruby Rhod is a celebrity sex-god in the future! That's how weird and off-putting this future is! That's how we identify with Dallas' everyman schtick.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:26 PM on December 17, 2013 [123 favorites]

Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element?

bzzz!

zzzzzz!


BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:27 PM on December 17, 2013 [146 favorites]

Woah yeah I just got to that one what kind of monster hates Ruby Rhod?
posted by jason_steakums at 1:27 PM on December 17, 2013 [71 favorites]

Yeah, I disagree about the Chris Tucker thing too.

But Andie MacDowell? Absolutely right.
posted by ambrosia at 1:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [18 favorites]

Think_Long: 50 Performances that Failed to Save Already Terrible Movies

... is less catchy than their title, or the shorter title "50 mediocre to bad movies."
posted by filthy light thief at 1:28 PM on December 17, 2013

I could buy the one about Timothy Olyphant, at least. The dude was just painfully out of his depth on Deadwood.
posted by invitapriore at 1:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

50 lists that ruined internet content.
posted by TrialByMedia at 1:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

...how about Quentin Tarantino's appearance in any Quentin Tarantino movie? Again, I don't think they ruin anything, but he's usually the worst actor on the screen by a country mile.
posted by COBRA! at 1:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

Woah yeah I just got to that one what kind of monster hates Ruby Rhod?

Let's attack them with this ORB OF PURE HATE.
posted by The Whelk at 1:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [20 favorites]

At first I was going to say that "Tommy Wiseau's performance ruined the Room" is one of the stupidest sentiments I'd ever heard, but now I'm perversely fascinated by the idea of a Wiseau-less version of the film. Like Garfield Minus Garfield, just digitally excising Wiseau from every single scene and leaving the rest of the movie as-is.
posted by Greg Nog

AKA "How to make weird sex scenes even weirder."
posted by COBRA! at 1:29 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Chris Tucker was so damn good in The Fifth Element.
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:30 PM on December 17, 2013 [41 favorites]

"90% of directing a picture is casting the right actors."

-- Kevin Costner
posted by i_have_a_computer at 1:30 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Also, why even bother mentioning Pauly Shore? Pauly Shore in anything pretty much immediately ruins it.
posted by ambrosia at 1:30 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

a Wiseau-less version of the film

A touching story about a woman and her goiter.
posted by phunniemee at 1:31 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

John Voigt was GREAT in Anaconda.
posted by Mocata at 1:31 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

50 Movies and then a Picture of Each One and then the Name of Somebody Who Was In It and then Another Thing and then One Other Thing Over By That First Thing. Wait Until You See #37 ... I'm Still Picking My Jaw Up Off the Floor.
posted by jbickers at 1:32 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

#35 Stallone as Dredd: How It Could've Been Rescued: By revealing at the end of the movie that Stallone’s Dredd was actually an imposter

15 years in the IsoCubes for Jimping.
posted by charlie don't surf at 1:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

50 lists that list single list lists.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

ambrosia: "Also, why even bother mentioning Pauly Shore? Pauly Shore in anything pretty much immediately ruins it."

He was a critical factor in Pauly Shore Is Dead.
posted by Chrysostom at 1:34 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

a few things:

-"physicalality" is a neat typo made up word
-Isn't the fact she seems to give it her all in a "this could be my big break" way in Showgirls kind of the meta point? I feel like it'd be less interesting otherwise.
-maybe I'm just a dork, but I love the Chris Tucker scenes in The Fifth Element
posted by ifjuly at 1:34 PM on December 17, 2013

Denise Richards, nuclear physicist

FPP favorited for title alone. but yeah, it's mostly ...

50 Performances that Failed to Save Already Terrible Movies

or more to the point, dragged them even deeper. With a few exceptions like the idiot in Scanners, because that's an otherwise quality film. And yeah ...

Chris Tucker was so damn good in The Fifth Element.

my favorite part of the film.
posted by philip-random at 1:35 PM on December 17, 2013

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen as Connery's worst? Somebody blocked out the trauma of The Avengers.

Highlander II.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:35 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

On #33, Anthony Michael Hall in Johnny Be Good: "Want somebody to play a football jock? Maybe you should hire somebody who looks like a football jock. Anthony Michael Hall didn’t back in 1988, what with being more famous as that geek from Sixteen Candles."

Not disagreeing, but worth noting that just two years later AMH played the jerk jock in Edward Scissorhands and actually looked the part. ("He's grown as an actor," a friend wryly commented upon seeing him in that role.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:35 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

What, no 'Italian best friend dude' from Titanic that obviously thought he was in a Super Mario Brothers movie?
posted by sexyrobot at 1:35 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Movies are ruined???
posted by OHenryPacey at 1:35 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

> The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen as Connery's worst? Somebody blocked out the trauma of The Avengers.

/clears throat

Zardoz.

G'night everyone!
posted by davelog at 1:37 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

"90% of directing a picture is casting the right actors."

-- Kevin Costner

Oh god, don't remind us that Costner beat Martin Scorsese for Best Director.
posted by Etrigan at 1:37 PM on December 17, 2013 [8 favorites]

I'm just stunned someone found the acting in Bram Stoker's Dracula to be worthy of consideration enough to criticize. That movie is all icing, no cake, and makes absolutely no attempt to conceal the fact. If you told me it was written, shot and edited in a treehouse full of excited neighborhood kids in Coppola's backyard, I'd believe you.
posted by griphus at 1:38 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

Chris Tucker should be in every Bruce Willis action movie, as Ruby Rhod, including Die Hard.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:38 PM on December 17, 2013 [56 favorites]

Oh god, Taylor Lautner in Abduction. It would have been a terrible movie without him but he was damn awful in it. I only watched it because I had watched them film a scene and my house is in it for about 2 frames but wow was that a miserable waste of time.
posted by octothorpe at 1:39 PM on December 17, 2013

sexyrobot: "What, no 'Italian best friend dude' from Titanic that obviously thought he was in a Super Mario Brothers movie?"

Hey-a, Jack! We're-a going to live forever-a, no? Mamma mia, she's a spicy meatball!
posted by Chrysostom at 1:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [8 favorites]

Create Controversial Listicles with these 50 Simple Tricks!
posted by mrbill at 1:41 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

Dan Aykroyd in Nothing But Trouble!

Am I doing this right?
posted by Carillon at 1:41 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, when I got to Chris Tucker I was out.

He is hands down my favorite character in that movie.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

also, Annie McDowell in Four Weddings + a Funeral -- that opens a can of worms for me. Because yes, she's awful, the lone American in the cast, a part doubtless cast (and written) to pander to the American market. But in a way, she's the only one who gets it right. Because beneath its veneer of quality (the Brits are so good at that), it's an ugly, ugly film. Or as a British friend put it --

"When you've got a key character casually mentioning he's the heir to one of Britain's wealthiest families, and playing it for sort of screwball laughs, you're effectively shoveling shit into the mouths of the working classes and centuries of inequity."

He thought the movie would've worked far better as a period piece, set in Nazi Germany with all the key characters either members of the Nazi party, or certainly war profiteers. Every now and then, when things got truly hilarious, you could have a train full of cattle cars trundling past in the background.
posted by philip-random at 1:43 PM on December 17, 2013 [33 favorites]

Don't blame Ahmed Best or Hayden Christensen when we all know the real problem with the Prequels: They exist.
posted by tommasz at 1:45 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

Also maybe don't pad out your bad movies list with Jar Jar in 2013, because that dead horse has long since been beaten into atoms.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:46 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Timothy Olyphant, at least. The dude was just painfully out of his depth on Deadwood

We are through the looking glass, people. Through. The. Looking Glass.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:47 PM on December 17, 2013 [14 favorites]

Don't blame Ahmed Best or Hayden Christensen when we all know the real problem with the Prequels: They exist.

Nonsense. I can think of many, many ways the Prequels could have been better. The main one is that no one was able to tell George Lucas "No, that's stupid."

"That alien talks like how? No, that's stupid."

"Midichlorians? No, that's stupid."
posted by Etrigan at 1:47 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

In fairness, the list is from 2011.
posted by Chrysostom at 1:47 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Chris Tucker The Fifth Element (1997)
The Performance: Screeching his way through this otherwise divertingly daft sci-fi, Tucker sounds like a litter of cats slowly drowning in a futuristic river. We’re always up for a little camp silliness, but this one's a serious patience tester.

And this is wear I stopped reading because these people are clearly idiots.
posted by nooneyouknow at 1:47 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

If Jar Jar Binks was played by a competent actor - say, Ian McShane - Episode I would today be remembered as one of the defining films of the decade.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:49 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

This makes the top 10 terrible listicles.
posted by clvrmnky at 1:51 PM on December 17, 2013

Every time I read "Denise Richards," I think of Denise Crosby.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:52 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sean Connery's greatest moment regarding The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen wasn't on the big screen. No, it was on opening day during an interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show.

Lauer: "So haven't been lucky enough to see it yet, but I hear you're really good in this movie."
Connery: "I was lucky enough to work with a cast of very talented people, yeah."
Lauer: "There's a lot of really great buzz surrounding your performance specifically, though. Did you get to do a lot of action scenes?"
Connery: "Well, I did my share, yeah."
Lauer: "So I know this is just opening day and perhaps this is a little premature but what do you think... If they do a sequel, would you be on board?"
Connery: "Well, er... I... uh... I sort of die in this one."
Lauer: *horrified blank stare*
Connery: "Sorry."
Lauer: "Uh... did I just ruin the movie for hundreds of thousands of viewers?"
*loud laughter from the studio crew in the background*
Connery: "It's still a good movie. You should all go see it."
posted by zarq at 1:52 PM on December 17, 2013 [28 favorites]

Mesa called Jar Jar Binks, cocksucka...
posted by 2N2222 at 1:52 PM on December 17, 2013

Just the mental image alone of Jon Voight playing the role of the anaconda made reading this terrible list worthwhile.
posted by mannequito at 1:54 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

There's no mention of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
posted by mochapickle at 1:54 PM on December 17, 2013 [48 favorites]

I saw a preview for The Hobbit Part Deux or whatever the other night, and was struck by how weak of an actor Orlando Bloom was for the thirty seconds I saw him on the screen. Now that I think about it, he's kind of been terrible in everything.


I could buy the one about Timothy Olyphant, at least. The dude was just painfully out of his depth on Deadwood.

Totally agree.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:54 PM on December 17, 2013

I wouldn't say he ruined it, but anybody less film-starrish than Brad Pitt as a replacement for him in 12 Years a Slave would nudge it closer to perfection.
posted by Artw at 1:56 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Stopped reading at Chris Tucker, came to the comments to see all the yelling, was not disappointed.
posted by Kwine at 1:56 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

Nothing was going to save most of these movies, who is this guy kidding?
posted by Artw at 1:57 PM on December 17, 2013

If you replaced Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element, you'd ruin the movie. If you replaced Bruce Willis, nobody would blink.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

Well hey; I'll speak up for Costner's Robin Hood, which I have a huge soft spot for.

The trick is to realize that the entire movie is gloriously, batshit silly. It's a very old-fashioned action/comedy romp; if it were staged rather than filmed it'd be veering towards pantomime. (Alan Rickman clearly realized this, his performance is pure panto villain.)

Anyway, if you accept that: Costner's hammy acting and wobbly accent is no longer a problem -- it's a bonus.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

Now that I think about it, he's kind of been terrible in everything.

He was pretty good in POTC as an attractive yet eminently forgettable love interest.
posted by elizardbits at 1:59 PM on December 17, 2013

If you replaced Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element, you'd ruin the movie. If you replaced Bruce Willis, nobody would blink.

What if you replaced Bruce Willis with Beyonce though
posted by elizardbits at 1:59 PM on December 17, 2013 [45 favorites]

Um you would have the most amazing movie of all time
posted by jason_steakums at 2:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [22 favorites]

but it would be over in 5 minutes when she tells the ball of pure hate to knock it off and it does
posted by The Whelk at 2:01 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

I always remember Barry Norman reviewing Anaconda... They played a clip which finished with this... after which Barry remarked nonchalantly 'That's not just a leer... that's a King Lear'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:01 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Yet another example of why I am hatching seditious plans to eschew lists in 2014. Down with the tyranny of Internet lists!
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:01 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

I would pay the full $200 or however much it costs for a movie ticket these days to see Beyonce just do the "we're sending someone in to negotiate" scene.
posted by griphus at 2:02 PM on December 17, 2013 [16 favorites]

Ronald Reagan in that entire reality series he did back in the eighties.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:02 PM on December 17, 2013 [19 favorites]

What if you replaced Bruce Willis with Beyonce though

More to the point, what if you digitally replaced Bruce Willis with Beyonce in every episode of Moonlighting?

And had her rerecord The Return of Bruno?
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:02 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

If you replaced Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element, you'd ruin the movie. If you replaced Bruce Willis, nobody would blink.

What if you replaced Bruce Willis with Beyonce though?

I would watch the hell out of that movie.
posted by sexyrobot at 2:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Beyonce in Unbreakable, Beyonce in all the Die Hard movies... somebody ring up Disney and tell them to divert the new Star Wars cgi team to start work on this, pronto.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

Beyonce, mad with power, remakes Hudson Hawk.
posted by The Whelk at 2:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [41 favorites]

How to make a list of performances that ruined movies:

1. Make a list of all movies.
2. Remove all good movies.
3. Remove all movies that would have been salvageable if not for one character.
4. Remove all movies for which that character is perversely beloved for their awfulness, our whose presence is representative of larger flaws in the filmmaking process.
5. Remove all remaining movies for which no actor could reasonably have portrayed that character well.
6. Remove all remaining movies on the list, and create a new list with a bunch of recognizable over-the-top performances that will draw readers.
7. Add some movies with hot women in otherwise-forgettable bland performances, so you'll have some sexy thumbnails for your clickbait.

posted by Riki tiki at 2:05 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

Also imagine all the Lethal Weapon movies remade where Mel Gibson is replaced by Grumpy Cat
posted by elizardbits at 2:06 PM on December 17, 2013 [30 favorites]

Especially the scene where he trashes the South Africans' house with his truck.
posted by elizardbits at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

I want to see Beyonce play Wonder Woman
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2013 [17 favorites]

And Santa
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Also imagine all the Lethal Weapon movies remade where Mel Gibson is replaced by Grumpy Cat
posted by elizardbits

Or Bobcat Goldthwait.
posted by COBRA! at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

MATTHAU/LEMMON

FACE/OFF
posted by griphus at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2013 [38 favorites]

Also imagine all the Lethal Weapon movies remade where Mel Gibson is replaced by Grumpy Cat

How about the same trick with Gallipoli? I can see it working...
posted by kjs3 at 2:09 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I want to see Beyonce play Wonder Woman.

"Play"?
posted by Etrigan at 2:09 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

Beyonce, mad with power, remakes Hudson Hawk.

The choreographed, singing break-in scenes would be amazing. I actually really want to see this.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:09 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

I agree with the Four Weddings and A Funeral choice. Man Andie MacDowell was TURRBLE in that. It was decent otherwise, but it's been a while.
posted by sweetkid at 2:09 PM on December 17, 2013

Also imagine all the Lethal Weapon movies remade where Mel Gibson is replaced by Grumpy Cat

Or Bobcat Goldthwait.

nah, I'm going to have to go with Chris Tucker doing Ruby Rhod here. But Mel would do good work in a Shakes The Clown remake.

Also, once Beyonce's done with the Willis filmography, she needs to take on Charlton Heston. Then we'll finally be in the 21st century.
posted by philip-random at 2:11 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

GenjiandProust: "More to the point, what if you digitally replaced Bruce Willis with Beyonce in every episode of Moonlighting?

And had her rerecord The Return of Bruno?"

Don't forget his soulful Seagram's wine coolers commercials.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:11 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

If technology can digitally superimpose a porn stars genitals on Shia Lebouf and call it art... Then it can do these things. We are in a golden age.
posted by Artw at 2:11 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

For those who don't want to slog through 50 pageclicks...

1. Nicolas Cage The Wicker Man (2006)
2. Taylor Lautner Abduction (2011)
3. Orlando Bloom – Pirates Of The Caribbean (2003-2007)
4. Tommy Wiseau The Room (2003)
5. Andie MacDowell – Four Weddings And A Funeral (1994)
6. Sean Connery – The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
7. Madonna Body Of Evidence (1993)
8. Morgan Freeman Wanted (2008)
9. Tommy Lee Jones Batman Forever (1995)
10. Denise Richards – The World Is Not Enough (1999)
11. Vinnie Jones X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
12. Kevin Costner – Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991)
13. Mariah Carey Glitter (2001)
14. Jon Voight Anaconda (1997)
15. Jennifer Lopez Gigli (2003)
16. M. Night Shyamalan Lady In The Water (2006)
17. Bruce Willis Ocean’s Twelve (2004)
18. Elizabeth Berkley Showgirls (1995)
19. Sage Stallone Rocky V (1990)
20. Chris Tucker The Fifth Element (1997)
21. Timothy Olyphant Hitman (2007)
22. Ahmed Best – Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)
23. Lorraine Bracco Medicine Man (1992)
24. John Wayne The Conqueror (1956)
25. Darren Ewing Troll 2 (1990)
26. Mark Wahlberg The Happening (2008)
27. Halle Berry Catwoman (2004)
28. Steven Seagal Exit Wounds (2001)
29. Rob Lowe Youngblood (1986)
30. Marlon Brando Candy (1968)
31. Sofia Coppola The Godfather Part III (1990)
32. John Lydon Copkiller (1983)
33. Anthony Michael Hall Johnny Be Good (1988)
34. Demi Moore Striptease (1996)
35. Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd (1995)
36. Laurence Olivier The Betsy (1978)
37. Robert De Niro Frankenstein (1994)
38. Saffron Burrows Deep Blue Sea (1999)
39. Robin Williams Patch Adams (1998)
40. Paul Newman The Silver Chalice (1954)
41. Elvis Presley - Stay Away, Joe (1968)
42. Harrison Ford - Random Hearts (1999)
43. Hugh Marlowe – The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)
44. John Travolta - Battlefield Earth (2000)
45. Pauly Shore - California Man (1992)
46. Amy Lalonde Diary Of The Dead (2007)
47. Stephen Lack Scanners (1981)
48. Keanu Reeves Dracula (1991)
49. Steve Guttenberg – Can’t Stop The Music (1980)
50. Hayden Christensen – Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones (2002)
posted by crapmatic at 2:13 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

Also, replace Arnold Schwarzenegger with Janelle Monae in the Terminator movies (also all of his movies).
posted by jason_steakums at 2:13 PM on December 17, 2013 [19 favorites]

If technology can digitally superimpose a porn stars genitals on Shia Lebouf and call it art

why would technology do that

that is bad
posted by elizardbits at 2:13 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

How did Showgirls and The Fifth Element make this list? They are bloody excellent movies.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:14 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

crapmatic: "For those who don't want to slog through 50 pageclicks..."

I did include a link to the deslide single-pager version in the FPP.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:16 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

If technology can digitally superimpose a porn stars genitals on Shia Lebouf and call it art

why would technology do that

that is bad

Lars Von Trier!
posted by Artw at 2:16 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

I was watching Showgirls the other day for the first time in many many years and it struck me that MAYBE, perhapsily, possibly, just maybe Elizabeth Berkley was playing Nomi like that ... ironically? Maybe all the times where she seemed incapable of acting were because she was playing the role of a talentless dimwit? Also she is a painfully awkward and terrible dancer, which upsets me on a cellular level.

i was really high on arthritis medication while i had these thoughts, though
posted by elizardbits at 2:17 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

It has more or less the same plot as Star Wars, but about stippers, how could that be bad?
posted by Artw at 2:18 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

PULP FICTION 2014

with

FOREST WHITAKER as VINCENT VEGA
KEN JEONG as JULES WINNFIELD
SHARON STONE as MIA WALLACE
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL as MARSELLUS WALLACE
CHRIS TUCKER as THE BRIEFCASE

and

BEYONCE as BUTCH COOLIDGE
posted by psoas at 2:19 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

I mean if you look at it in the sense of someone accurately portraying a self-deluded mediocre performer with a wildly overblown sense of their own talent then she actually deserves an Oscar.
posted by elizardbits at 2:20 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Technology!
posted by Artw at 2:20 PM on December 17, 2013

9. Tommy Lee Jones Batman Forever (1995)

Do they have a Nicole Kidman-shaped blind spot?
posted by troika at 2:21 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

And if you view the movie as a scathing indictment of how women are forced to compete to sell their bodies to all the awful men in Hollywood (and by extension, the world) then it's a A Good Movie.

Granted I was also super-high when I thought this.
posted by The Whelk at 2:22 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was watching Showgirls the other day for the first time in many many years and it struck me that MAYBE, perhapsily, possibly, just maybe Elizabeth Berkley was playing Nomi like that ... ironically?

There is a commentary track on the Showgirls DVD done by a scholar of that movie. elizardbits, I think you would love it.
posted by troika at 2:23 PM on December 17, 2013

I thought the whole point of Showgirls was that the actors weren't in on the gag. (Except Gina Gershon--- I refuse to belive that Gershon didn't see through Verhoeven and then go full trashy camp anyway).
posted by bonehead at 2:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

I don't object to lists per se, but this reviewer does not know films. Scroll down for cheap shot at Keanu Reeves (they have to bring up 'dude' comment).
Leaves Mickey Rooney's tragic turn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, a film that survived as a classic in spite of the fact of his lynch-inciting performance.
Leaves out Peter Sellers in Lolita, Tom Hanks in Bonfire of the Vanities, I would argue Glenn Ford in Gilda, Heston in Touch of Evil, etc.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:23 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm glad to see all the support for Ruby Rhod. Y'all are super green.
posted by Fleebnork at 2:24 PM on December 17, 2013 [16 favorites]

(it might not be a scholar but that's something I'm not thrilled about googling at work. Some guy that has clearly studied the movie very closely.)
posted by troika at 2:24 PM on December 17, 2013

Yeah, GG was clearly having a fucking ball throughout. I kept expecting her to do the Eddie-Murphy-looking-at-the-camera thing like "can you fucking believe this shit?"
posted by elizardbits at 2:24 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

(Except Gina Gershon--- I refuse to belive that Gershon didn't see through Verhoeven and then go full trashy camp anyway).

I need to find this interview (I think it's on the A.V. Club maybe?) but this was very explicitly acknowledged to be the case by someone involved.
posted by psoas at 2:25 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Couldn't help but snicker at Stallone's pic. TOTAL HAM.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:28 PM on December 17, 2013

AV Club interview with Gershon.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:29 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

The dude was just painfully out of his depth on Deadwood.

The Broom of Justice will sweep every corner of your sacrilegious temple. He is the Rod. He is the Staff.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:31 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Granted I was also super-high when I thought this.

What did you win?
posted by Artw at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2013

"For those who don't want to slog through 50 pageclicks..."

I missed that... if the mods want to delete my post, I'm totally cool with it.
posted by crapmatic at 2:33 PM on December 17, 2013

Like Garfield Minus Garfield, just digitally excising Wiseau from every single scene and leaving the rest of the movie as-is.

Ha ha ha! What a story, Mark Greg Nog!
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:35 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Andie MacDowell in anything, ever.
posted by humboldt32 at 2:35 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

I met a screenwriter some years back who told me he knew a number of people who worked on Glitter, and they told him everyone knew from the first day of filming that it was going to be a complete and unmitigated disaster. Mariah Carey had days when she refused to come out of her trailer, and she and Mira Sorvino were at each other's throats constantly. The director was often seen out behind some trailers smoking and looking despondent. At least one of the people who'd told the screen writer I met all of this didn't work in film again for nearly a year after Glitter wrapped, because, as he said, "It just isn't worth it."
posted by orange swan at 2:36 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

RTFA my A, I ain't flippin' through that lessn' there's an all-on-one-page link.

I just came in here to say oh yeah like casting a different actress would have made "I've always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey" a good line.
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:36 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

This person doesn't seem to understand what they're trying to write (Chris Tucker was absolutely of a piece with The Fifth Element and if you were in for the rest of the movie, you were in for him as well), but they're right - sort of - about Jar Jar Binks.

I say sort of because Ahmed Best's performance wasn't the problem - anyone's performance would have crashed on the same rocks - but I'm fairly positive that without Jar Jar Binks, the reception for Episode One might still have been less favorable than the previous three, but not quite on the same level. Jar Jar was what really made the film turn the corner from "Well, he hasn't really done this in a while, a little rust is understandable" into "Well, fuck you too, Lucas."

Same deal with Christensen. No one in the fucking world could have done anything with the dialogue he was given.

Also, fuck this writer - John Travolta did not ruin Battlefield Earth. He singlehandedly saved it. The movie would be a boring, unwatchable piece of shit without him, instead of the glorious mess it wound up being.

Not far off the mark about Keanu and Dracula, though. But Keanu sucks in pretty much every non-Bill and Ted movie in which he's not playing a dim-witted asshole.

If you want performances that actually did ruin movies, we need to define criteria: A role where there were no glaring deficits in the writing, and in which the movie probably would have been pretty good without this one performance, but the movie winds up being bad. So, no good movies that happen to contain a bad performance, and no overall bad movies in which there is also a bad performance.

With that in mind, here are some:

Jean Dujardin wrecked The Artist by never making his character likable for a second. Because of his performance, the movie is about an asshole everyone loves, until they don't anymore, but then he's still the same asshole but now they love him again.

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein could have been fun enough for what it was, but De Niro wasn't the problem. Branagh was. He's usually a good actor, too, so I have no idea what he was thinking. Wait, yes I do: "You know what would make for a good movie? Me setting my jaw a lot."
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:37 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

50 performances that made awesome movies somehow more awesome.
1. Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element
2. Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element
3. Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element
4. Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element
5. Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element ad Rubyrhodinitum...
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:38 PM on December 17, 2013 [19 favorites]

I often wish to see the film that Alan Rickman was in instead of being in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. He's acting on a whole other plane and what little bleeds through in his performance is a far superior film.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:39 PM on December 17, 2013 [18 favorites]

I see that this has already been well-covered in the comments here, but I still can't help myself:

Slide #20: Chris Tucker The Fifth Element (1997)

I... I... I... what?
posted by Flunkie at 2:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Also, thank you for the deslided link. There is a special level of Hell reserved for people who put fifty different list entries on separate individual pages.

(It is a huge, trackless desert, completely featureless except for an intricate mechanical water cooler at the very center. Before getting a drink, the user must read twenty pages of detailed instructions, during which he is required to press NEXT after every single letter.)
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

The Fifth Element is deeply flawed...

...in that it should be part 1 in a long running series of films.
posted by Artw at 2:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [50 favorites]

George_Spiggott: "RTFA my A, I ain't flippin' through that lessn' there's an all-on-one-page link."

Not to beat a dead horse....
posted by Chrysostom at 2:44 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Kenneth Branagh in Celebrity - don't get me started.
posted by davebush at 2:48 PM on December 17, 2013

I would like to see a mashup of the Fifth Element and Twelve Monkeys.

Twelve Fifths of a Monkey Element.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:49 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

Andie MacDowell in anything, ever.

Her debut performance in the unwieldily-titled Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes is curiously fascinating, because the filmmakers had cast a 25-year-old model as Jane but I suppose learned at some point that she could not shed her Texas accent, so her lines were redubbed by another obscure actress: Glenn Close (largely known as the second female lead in The World According to Garp when G:TLoTLotA was filmed). By the time the Tarzan film arrived, Close had made a splash in The Big Chill so it is damned odd to see a film with one recognizable voice coming out of someone else's recognizable face.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:49 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Godfather 3 had some other issues to it, but Sophia Coppela's performance is so damn wooden she's practically a sideboard.

M Night Shyamalan is also terrible whenever he's on screen... at least Tarantino can act a little bit
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:50 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Andie MacDowell in anything, ever.
In St Elmo's Fire, she was a good foil for Emilio Estevez. Her roommate was better though, especially when she sees him smell the pillow.
posted by soelo at 2:50 PM on December 17, 2013

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein could have been fun enough for what it was, but De Niro wasn't the problem. Branagh was.

I thought that that the screenplay was the big failure in that movie. All that annoying back-story character motivational crap for Frankenstein missed the whole point of the novel and reduced a story about someone blinded by his skill and ambition to a weepy melodrama about him trying to get over his mother's death.
posted by octothorpe at 2:51 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Will Turner: Orlando Bloom was terrible, but what those movies needed least was more Johnny Depp.

Juggernaut: um, he's not supposed to be a subtle and clever character. Leave it alone.

Jar Jar Binks: yeah, that was a gimme.

Patch Adams: to be fair, removing Robin Williams would improve most Robin Williams movies.

...and that goes double for Pauly Shore.

Travolta Whatever: doesn't matter, that movie would still be unwatchable.


Plus, what everyone said about Ruby Rhod. He was super green.
posted by Foosnark at 2:52 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Costner's hammy acting and wobbly accent is no longer a problem -- it's a bonus.

If he was hamming it up, the movie would at least be watchable. Instead, he managed to make Robin Hood, of all people, boooooooring.
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:52 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I saw Fifth Element in a theater when it came out. I was all excited because I'd just read a review of it, written by Roger Ebert, which predicted that it would be its generation's Star Wars.

I was ten when Star Wars came out, and I was pretty religious about it. So I went into Fifth Element with my expectations set all wrong. It embarrasses me to say it, because I despise humorlessness--but I didn't enjoy the movie very much, mostly because I wasn't prepared for its sense of humor; and I was PARTICULARLY irritated by Chris Tucker.

On successive viewings, I was surprised to discover that he's the best thing in it, arguably better even than Milla Jovovich wearing adhesive tape. So, yeah... fuckin' supergreen.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 2:54 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Leaves Mickey Rooney's tragic turn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, a film that survived as a classic in spite of the fact of his lynch-inciting performance.

This. A gazillion time, this. Absolutely the gold standard in "WTF were they thinking?"
posted by Thorzdad at 2:54 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Like Prometheus, Fifth Element should really be in French.
posted by Artw at 2:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

to be fair, removing Robin Williams would improve most Robin Williams movies.

Heh. Dead Poets' Society is one of my favorite movies. Robin Williams plays a character who is rather un-Robin-Williams-like. But, as if to emphasize your point, there's one particular cringe-inducing scene where his character is very Robin-Williamsesque. And I feel the movie would be better without that scene.

Robin Williams: at his best when he's not acting like Robin Williams.

(See also: Will Ferrell in Stranger than Fiction)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

to be fair, removing Robin Williams would improve most Robin Williams movies.

My theory is that Robin Williams is a spice best applied sparingly. He's really fun in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and just great in Shakes the Clown. In my opinion, he makes Dead Again with a great performance where everything right and wrong with the character is laid out with admirable economy. The more time and space he's given, the more Williams' performances get either diluted into sentimentality or made bombastic beyond anything he can support. Give Williams 10 minutes of a film, and he'll be great. Give him 90 minutes and, well....
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [8 favorites]

soelo: "In St Elmo's Fire, she was a good foil for Emilio Estevez."

Yeah, she's only in it for maybe two minutes, though. She's certainly no worse than anyone else.

Except Jules's gay neighbor who was David's dad on 90210. And Martin Balsam.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:05 PM on December 17, 2013

I actually believe Robin Williams to be an excellent actor who has wretched taste in scripts.
posted by orange swan at 3:05 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Robin Williams confuses me...he's clearly talented but his SCHTICK is OMG enough already.
posted by sweetkid at 3:06 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

Zardoz.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2013

Robin Williams exists to be the exception that prices the rule about cocaine ruining careers.
posted by Artw at 3:09 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

The overwhelmingly pro-Chris-Tucker-in-Fifth-Element sentiment here is exactly why I like all of you.

The misguided belief that Zardoz is not an amazing film is why I don't come to the Thanksgiving dinners, though.
posted by byanyothername at 3:13 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

For anyone who hasn't seen The Happening, the greatest moment in it is when Marky Mark is trying to work out a plan and he says:

"Be more scientific, douchebag!"



With lines like that, Mark Wahlberg is not the problem.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:24 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

How about fucking everybody in Elysium? Ah thank youuu..
posted by phaedon at 3:25 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Copley was great! The fucking plot though...
posted by Artw at 3:26 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

"How It Could've Been Rescued: By revealing at the end of the movie that Stallone’s Dredd was actually an imposter - and he's about to get the shit kicked out of him by the real Dredd."

As played by Karl Urban, yes?
posted by sendai sleep master at 3:28 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

Andie MacDowell in anything, ever.

I'm not actually sure if I've ever seen her in anything else, but: Groundhog Day was the perfect movie, and you cannot possibly convince me otherwise.
posted by Flunkie at 3:29 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

I am almost sure that anyone who owns Breakfast at Tiffany's would buy a $10 bare-bones Blu-ray that just excises as much Mickey Rooney as possible. I can't imagine it will do too much damage to the artistic vision of casting him as a walking, talking Ally propaganda poster.
posted by griphus at 3:32 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Willams is good when he's not doing coked up Williams or sentimental Williams... he's okay as dead-eyed killers and pretty excellent in The Fisher King
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

Oh and just about every celeb musician and chef cameo in Treme... there's so much wood there I think you could just about repair all of the Katrina damage with it alone
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:37 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Denise Richards, nuclear physicist

With the Bond film and Starship Troopers, it makes me wonder if she wears a vapid grin in every film she's in.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:38 PM on December 17, 2013

Was Williams any good in One Hour Photo?
posted by Chrysostom at 3:40 PM on December 17, 2013

I wish somebody would recut Heat and take all the girlfriend shit out. I swear to God you'd still have a solid movie.

I make sure to have a remote in hand when I watch that movie. Diane Verona doing her best strung-out Andie McDowell impersonation, Amy Brenneman just playing Andie McDowell straight up. The Heat of the Ghost of Andie McDowell. How many times am I going to misspell her name?

And don't forget to take fuckin' Natalie Portman on your way out
posted by phaedon at 3:40 PM on December 17, 2013

I got as far as Ruby Rhod and came back all ready to be totally incensed and then got full of warm fuzzy feelings that Metafilter had, once again, had far better taste than anywhere else on the internet.
posted by Sequence at 3:45 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Was Williams any good in One Hour Photo?

That and Insomnia.
posted by Artw at 3:45 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Denise Richards. Hmm.


How It Could've Been Rescued: By explaining that Christmas Jones just thinks she's a clever scientist; in reality, all the other scientists only keep her around because she looks nice.

jweglkjlk. I keep trying to respond coherently but I just can't. Seriously? Because that's an acceptable meme for people to have in their heads? Thanks, I don't have enough stereotype threat issues already. blkjweg.
posted by nat at 3:48 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

How the fuck is Gina Gershon 51 years old. HOW.

spoiler alert: if you say LOL BOTOX i come to your house and i crap in your pillowcase
posted by elizardbits at 3:56 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

I wonder if sites like this compile a yearly, for-internal-viewing-only list titled "50 Clickbait Lists That Made Us The Most Money This Year", from which they plan next years' list strategy.
posted by davejay at 4:02 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Seriously, there's this prominent site that has articles with clickbait titles, and you read it to discover the author's saying "why no gee I don't really know the answer to my clickbait title, why don't you tell us what you think the answer is in the comments", and then a week later those comments show up on the site aggregated into A Clickbait List and I don't know what to think any more
posted by davejay at 4:03 PM on December 17, 2013

spoiler alert: if you say LOL BOTOX i come to your house and i crap in your pillowcase

it is at times like this that I wish I wasn't a contrarian
posted by davejay at 4:03 PM on December 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

I have to say that since I think Twelve Monkeys is the most magical love story of all time, replacing Bruce with Beyonce would make it even more magical.

But I would settle for her Hudson Hawk complete with Bob Fosse dance numbers.
posted by winna at 4:08 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, there was this big snafu when I was in grad school with a chemistry professor talking about Denise Richards in that movie. He was teaching freshman chem and he put up a slide of her and basically said, "because THAT'S what scientists look like, right? HAHAHAHAH!" and the students understandably were a little pissed off.
posted by gerstle at 4:08 PM on December 17, 2013

One big thing in Denise Richards' favor, she can laugh at herself - see 30 Rock. That alone puts her a step above critics who think she's somehow fully to blame for not salvaging a horribly-written female character in a freaking lesser Brosnan Bond flick. Christmas Jones wasn't any more awful than Xenia Onatopp.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:10 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: i come to your house and i crap in your pillowcase
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:12 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Anyone complaining that Rob Lowe lacks the "allure" to be a believable hockey player probably hasnt watched enough interviews with real hockey players. If anything the guy brought too much personality to the role of Youngblood.
posted by Hoopo at 4:16 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

All this talk about Andie MacDowell has had "Don't Talk to Me About Gene Hackman" stuck in my head all afternoon.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:17 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

There was a silver lining... Halle Berry showing up to accept her Razzie Award for "Worst Actress." Classic stuff.
posted by drstein at 4:17 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

ZARDOZ FOREVER.
posted by epersonae at 4:18 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Also imagine all the Lethal Weapon movies remade where Mel Gibson is replaced by Grumpy Cat

"Diplomatic Im-meow-nity..."
posted by stenseng at 4:20 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

in fairness, Andie McDowell didn't hurt to watch in Four Weddings more than Julia Roberts did in Notting Hill. I'm no fan of McDowell but it really doesn't help her case that Richard Curtis can't write female characters.
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:20 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Also imagine all the Lethal Weapon movies remade where Mel Gibson is replaced by Grumpy Cat

"Diplomatic Im-meow-nity..."

Years later, he will famously have a drunken, bigoted rant about the Mews.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:22 PM on December 17, 2013 [15 favorites]

9. Tommy Lee Jones Batman Forever (1995)

Do they have a Nicole Kidman-shaped blind spot?

Batman Forever should not be on this list. Rather, it should be on a list of Bad Movies that Damaged People's Careers rather than this list. Because I don't give a shit who you are, nobody is going to do anything good with that pile of crap pretending to be a Batman film. The film was ruined before Jones, Kidman or anyone else showed up on set.

And then Schumacher had to go and top it with Batman and Robin, which is a monumental pile of crap that damaged not only everyone involved but also the audience in the next theatre over just by extension.
posted by nubs at 4:26 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

I am almost sure that anyone who owns Breakfast at Tiffany's would buy a $10 bare-bones Blu-ray that just excises as much Mickey Rooney as possible. I can't imagine it will do too much damage to the artistic vision of casting him as a walking, talking Ally propaganda poster.

Firstly: half the reason to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's is to become ridiculously incensed at Mickey Rooney's performance.

Secondly: when I read this, I pictured Mickey Rooney's head on top of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, even though I know that 'ally' is the first-person singular of 'allies'. And I thank you for that. It was a mental visualization both disturbing and entertaining.

Also, Ruby Rhod. Yes, thank you Metafilter. Just when I think all of you are insane, you revive me.

Also, Keanu Reeves in whatever Shakespeare movie he was in was far more devastating than his offense listed here. "Verily....whoa..."
posted by umberto at 4:30 PM on December 17, 2013

He didn't torpedo Much Ado, but he did make it impossible to discuss the movie without mentioning his, uh, singular performance.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:33 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

"Much Ado..." thank you. I think I had blocked that. He was not nearly present enough to fully destroy something that featured far finer performers, but --as you say-- memorable in his limited (in so many ways) appearances.
posted by umberto at 4:36 PM on December 17, 2013

I love Wes Anderson, but you cannot convince me that the preying mantis in a blonde wig that he cast as Margot in The Royal Tenenbaums was the ideal actress for that role. Why was she not on the list?
posted by pxe2000 at 4:38 PM on December 17, 2013

49. Steve Guttenberg – Can’t Stop The Music (1980)

Not even close. Guttenberg showed fine form, on and off of roller skates, in this film - it's Bruce Jenner (!) who chewed up the scenery.

The Village People did just fine.
posted by porn in the woods at 4:38 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

And then Schumacher had to go and top it with Batman and Robin, which is a monumental pile of crap that damaged not only everyone involved but also the audience in the next theatre over just by extension.

I still maintain that the failure of Batman and Robin is that they half-assed making the glorious piece of camp that took the piss out of grimdark modern Batman that they clearly were aiming for in some parts (but completely missed). It was like halfway there, but most of the campy stuff came across as half-baked because they couldn't commit to it and, for some reason, tried to tack on a shitty serious story about Alfred dying, among other choices that ruined the tone. Somebody could have made an amazing movie with the same sets, costumes, characters and actors if they scrapped the script and just embraced the ludicrous neon insanity.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

OMG new genre Grimcamp first I call first
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:43 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

49. Steve Guttenberg – Can’t Stop The Music (1980)

OMG this movie is so bad. So so so so so very bad.
posted by stenseng at 4:45 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

I can't stay mad at Guttenberg after Party Down, it completely erased every terrible movie he's done for me.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:48 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

Then how did he write the Bible, smart guy?
posted by Etrigan at 4:54 PM on December 17, 2013 [27 favorites]

With a printing press.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:57 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

>>Steve Guttenberg never actually existed.

>Then how did he write the Bible, smart guy?

With a printing press.

Oh, Metafilter, have I told you recently how much I love you? This thread has sparked the magic all over again!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:02 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

I didn't see Candy, but I'm willing to take their word for Brando's having ruined it, based on the other movies I have seen him ruin. Go watch The Missouri Breaks and tell me he didn't completely destroy it. Or Apocalypse Now - I always tell people it's a great film, but as soon as Brando appears, they can get up and leave. He doesn't ruin it, because he's stuck at the end. If he had a part that showed up throughout it, he would have destroyed it.

You can have your Chris Tucker in Fifth Element, but he is what's wrong with Rush Hour.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:11 PM on December 17, 2013

Of course Guttenberg exists, he's a known Stonecutter.
posted by Chrysostom at 5:11 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

Stopped reading at Chris Tucker, came to the comments to see all the yelling, was not disappointed.
posted by Kwine at 11:56 AM

I had this exact same experience.
posted by lostburner at 5:20 PM on December 17, 2013

Do they have a Nicole Kidman-shaped blind spot?

It's right next to the Tiny Lister blind spot. Bastard damn near ruined Dark Knight, too.
posted by phaedon at 5:24 PM on December 17, 2013

Of course Guttenberg exists, he's a known Stonecutter.

Shut uuuuppp!
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:26 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

But Keanu sucks in pretty much every non-Bill and Ted movie in which he's not playing a dim-witted asshole.


To be fair, in the original Dracula, Jonathan Harker is basically a dim-witted asshole. Keanu's main problem was his accent- not public school enough. They should have had Boris Johnson consult.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:34 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Darren Ewing Troll 2

Yup, he's totally the problem with Troll 2. Well spotted, there.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:43 PM on December 17, 2013 [18 favorites]

Hayden Christensen – Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones (2002)

His performance is so terrible even with the ghastly dialogue. I used to get him mixed up with the kid who played Reese in Malcolm In the Middle, who would have made the prequels so much better.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 5:53 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think Hayden Christensen gave exactly the performance George Lucas wanted.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:56 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

yup, George Lucas hates us
posted by philip-random at 5:57 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think this is unfair to Orlando Bloom. He's not exactly a great actor, but there's only so much that could have been done with his role. The same for Knightley. They're an obnoxious, prefab love story that's shoehorned in. The films would have been better off without the soap opera bullshit that those characters brought.

Also, YOU LEAVE RUBY RHOD ALONE!
posted by brundlefly at 5:57 PM on December 17, 2013

You know that Ruby Rhod was supposed to be played by Prince, right? Here is the interview with Gaultier meeting Prince for costume concepts.
posted by jadepearl at 5:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [12 favorites]

I've long been convinced that for the prequels, George Lucas just got the actors to recite the lines, saying, "Don't worry, I'll CGI the acting in later, in post."
posted by gadge emeritus at 5:58 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Andie MacDowell in anything, ever.

Around here we just cut to the chase and call her Andie MacStupid.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:58 PM on December 17, 2013

I wonder what the prequels would have been like with Paul Walker in that role. Apparently he was passed over for it.

.
posted by brundlefly at 5:59 PM on December 17, 2013

Somebody could have made an amazing movie with the same sets, costumes, characters and actors if they scrapped the script and just embraced the ludicrous neon insanity.

Yeah, absolutely. Both of Schumacher's Batman movies had all the ingredients to be fun and even had moments of genuine brilliance -- re-watch Batman Forever under the assumption that Edward Nigma obsession with Bruce Wayne and subsequent transformation into the Riddler is a coming-out story -- but on the whole, they just weren't. The plots were haphazard and not in the fun Silver Age way, and not in the fun way, and the brilliant set dressing (yes even the nipple suit) was totally wasted.
posted by griphus at 6:00 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

The misguided belief that Zardoz is not an amazing film is why I don't come to the Thanksgiving dinners, though.

Are you also in the camp that it's a pretty shockingly ahead-of-its-time movie about the singularity and posthumans that happens to be saddled with some pretty silly hippy-dippy trappings?

Or are you just an unfortunate heretic?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:01 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

With the Bond film and Starship Troopers, it makes me wonder if she wears a vapid grin in every film she's in.

s/wears a vapid grin/constantly wonders who farted/

posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:02 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also, fuck this writer - John Travolta did not ruin Battlefield Earth. He singlehandedly saved it. The movie would be a boring, unwatchable piece of shit without him, instead of the glorious mess it wound up being

It was a boring unwatchable piece of shit WITH him. That movie would have needed a better plot, better dialog, better special effects and above all better actors to even approach "glorious mess" status.

They made FOREST WHITAKER look like a shitty actor. FOREST. FUCKING. WHITAKER. Who can actually ACT! Like, FOR REAL. I know this because I've SEEN him do it!!! But noooooooo, perfectly talented actor and the script sucked all the life out of the man and vomited something unrecognizable all over the screen.

I'm not bitter....
posted by zarq at 6:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

Hell just look at the Riddler's costume from the finale of Batman Forever. That is the perfect storm of inspired and misguided.
posted by griphus at 6:04 PM on December 17, 2013

Joseph Gordon-Levitt should have played Anakin Skywalker.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:10 PM on December 17, 2013 [10 favorites]

Little things, like Bane yelling "BOMB!" every time he places a bomb, are so great. There are these little bits of really fun movies in Schumacher's Batman flicks that stick out like a sore thumb when surrounded by all the terrible stuff.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:10 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Earlier this year, I went to a bar after styling my white-boy brun hair to look like Chris Tucker's character in the Fifth Element. It looked basically on point, but it took a solid twenty minute hot shower the next day to get out all of the Murray's Pomade I used.

I can't say that I had the slightest inclination to do the same for any M. Night Shyamalan movie characters.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:16 PM on December 17, 2013

You know that Ruby Rhod was supposed to be played by Prince, right? Here is the interview with Gaultier meeting Prince for costume concepts.

I love Prince.

I love Prince so much.

But I like Chris Tucker for Ruby more.
posted by winna at 6:17 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

I wonder what the prequels would have been like with Paul Walker in that role.

He would have lost the pod race because he was granny shiftin', not double clutchin' like you should.
posted by cmfletcher at 6:27 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt should have played Anakin Skywalker.

George Lucas should have hired a screenwriter
posted by philip-random at 6:27 PM on December 17, 2013 [8 favorites]

You know that Ruby Rhod was supposed to be played by Prince, right?

Holy *SHIT* that would have sucked. I like my Ruby over the top, loud and funny, not smarmy, wiggly and obsequious.
posted by kjs3 at 6:29 PM on December 17, 2013

Little things, like Bane yelling "BOMB!" every time he places a bomb

Tangent...but have you seen the multitude of Bane "fiber" memes? Funny stuff.
posted by kjs3 at 6:34 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dan Aykroyd in Nothing But Trouble!

Am I doing this right?

No, no you are not. That is legit one of my favorite films.
posted by dhens at 6:38 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Also, fuck this writer - John Travolta did not ruin Battlefield Earth. He singlehandedly saved it. The movie would be a boring, unwatchable piece of shit without him, instead of the glorious mess it wound up being

You saw a different movie than me, apparently. In a role that had every opportunity to bring the over the top, Travolta delivered....craptacular. Awful and boring and stupid. Should have gotten a pro wrestler...Randy Savage would have been perfect; he even had the hair and boots.
posted by kjs3 at 6:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Nothing But Trouble is awesome.
posted by Windigo at 6:42 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Nothing But Trouble is awesome.

Well, it's official. I'm home.
posted by phaedon at 6:47 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Artw: "If technology can digitally superimpose a porn stars genitals on Shia Lebouf and call it art

why would technology do that

that is bad

Lars Von Trier"

I just imagined you saying that as if it were "The Aristocrats!"
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 6:48 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Terrible list. But uh ... Kim Basinger in Cellular? O_o
posted by Eyebeams at 6:52 PM on December 17, 2013

to be fair, removing Robin Williams would improve most Robin Williams movies.

You should try World's Greatest Dad. It's quite a film, and a great performance by Williams.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 6:57 PM on December 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Joely Richardson in Lady Chatterley's Lover (an arsenal of one facial expression), Garrett Hedlund in Tron: Legacy (ditto), and Dennis Quaid's accent in The Big Easy, a sound with a life of its own that should have been trained/beaten out of him by a dialect coach.
posted by datawrangler at 6:57 PM on December 17, 2013

Windigo: "Nothing But Trouble is awesome."

With 2 Pac! And Digital Underground!
posted by Chrysostom at 6:58 PM on December 17, 2013

The Aristocrats!
posted by Artw at 7:00 PM on December 17, 2013

I'm old, but I'd nominate Ernest Borgnine for his hamfuckery in The Black Hole. It's partly due to the fact that the dialogue through the entire film is awful, but he, in particular, stinks up the place, which is why, on the black & white silent film recut I'm planning to do of The Black Hole one of these days, I will remove him to but a tiny, tiny role.

Speaking of Von Trier—I would nominate the entire set in Dogville.
posted by sonascope at 7:03 PM on December 17, 2013

I guess the article author and I are the only two people in the world who hated Chris Tucker in Fifth Element.
In fact it was the only one in the list I agreed with.
posted by rocket88 at 7:20 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sonascope, the music in "Black Hole" is what makes it so amazeballs! John Barry!
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:31 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

You saw a different movie than me, apparently. In a role that had every opportunity to bring the over the top, Travolta delivered....craptacular. Awful and boring and stupid. Should have gotten a pro wrestler...Randy Savage would have been perfect; he even had the hair and boots.

You're claiming - due to an overabundance of laudanum, one assumes - that Travolta in Battlefield Earth did not deliver "over the top," so yes, I saw a different movie than you. I saw the movie in which he went through scenery like a runaway combine harvester and delivered lines like YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR SKULLBONE and YOU WOULDN'T LAST A DAY AT THE ACADEMY and oh, that movie.

That wonderful, idiotic, shitsplosion of a movie.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:41 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

That wonderful, idiotic, shitsplosion of a movie.

I was stationed in Germany when Battlefield Earth came out. We got movies a month or two after they came out in the U.S., so we'd all heard about how gloriously fucked up this thing was, and of course we all went. We had our little rituals when it came to movies -- especially bad ones. We all changed out of our uniforms, went to dinner and then went to the movie. Two hours later, we staggered out of the theater and just stood in a small circle. One of our rituals was that everyone waited for me to smoke a cigarette right after the movie and before we went to the bar. I took one out of the pack, and someone snatched it out of my hand.

"No, we're going to the bar now. I am not waiting another fucking minute before I wash that shit out of my head." I could not, in good conscience, let my nic fit get in the way of that noble cause.
posted by Etrigan at 7:59 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

I worked with someone who saw it while it was in the theaters, here in the US, because he'd heard about it and he couldn't not go see it. The next day, I asked him how it was. There was a pause, and then he said, in the most serious tone he could manage:

"I give you my word as a Psychlo that it is a good movie."

What's funny is, no one says anything like that in the film but I knew exactly what he meant and it's a perfect review that sums up the spirit of basically all the dialogue.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:14 PM on December 17, 2013

humboldt32: "Andie MacDowell in anything, ever."

I thought her stiltedness and studiedness worked well in sex, lies, and videotape.

GenjiandProust: "Give Williams 10 minutes of a film, and he'll be great. Give him 90 minutes and, well...."

My mother (a theatre director) used to say that what Williams needed was a director who could and would say "Okay, Robin, that was great. Now, pull it back in for the take…"

elizardbits : " spoiler alert: if you say LOL BOTOX i come to your house and i crap in your pillowcase"

Upside: elizardbits comes to my home. Downside: I have two cats who have the inappropriate crapping franchise nailed down for this apartment.
posted by Lexica at 8:40 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

I will watch any old shit with spaceships and lasers... I couldn't successfully watch Battlefield Earth.
posted by Artw at 8:44 PM on December 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

Superimpose genitals on LeBeouf

That is bad

Why would technology do that

Lars von Trier has

Enough of a budget

To show even just one Aristocrat

Burma-Shave
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:47 PM on December 17, 2013 [6 favorites]

My mother (a theatre director) used to say that what Williams needed was a director who could and would say "Okay, Robin, that was great. Now, pull it back in for the take…"

Apparently that's what happened on the set of World According To Garp. Day one, Williams started improvising on his first take. The director (George Roy Hill) let him go nuts for a while, then called "cut", pulled Williams aside and said, "Well, that's the end of that. From now on, we're doing the script as written."

Or something like that.
posted by philip-random at 9:04 PM on December 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I couldn't successfully watch Battlefield Earth.

First two sentences from Roger Ebert's review:

"Battlefield Earth" is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way.
posted by philip-random at 9:06 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

I don't understand the premise of this list. Most of these films are awful and the awful performances match the films perfectly.

Denise Richards, nuclear physicist? Sure, in a film as terrible as The World Is Not Enough, do we even notice?
posted by crossoverman at 9:16 PM on December 17, 2013

I hate you all.
posted by George Lucas at 9:29 PM on December 17, 2013 [20 favorites]

We figured that out already.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:31 PM on December 17, 2013 [11 favorites]

Denise Richards is my next wife and if you mock her I WILL FIGHT YOU.
posted by LarryC at 9:39 PM on December 17, 2013

Artw: "I will watch any old shit with spaceships and lasers... I couldn't successfully watch Battlefield Earth."

I saw Battlefield Earth in the theater with my friend and his dad. When we were done, my friend was pretty enthusiastic about it and asked us for our opinions. I was too stunned to say anything, but his dad said something about how the cavemen flying airplanes seemed like a bit much. I was half-set to really tear into the whole thing, but it seemed like my friend had genuinely never seen a bad movie and didn't really have the tools to process it all, so I said something about the airplanes, too, and then shut up because I didn't have it in me to break his spirit any further.
posted by Copronymus at 9:53 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

I thought her stiltedness and studiedness worked well in sex, lies, and videotape .

She also totally nails the character of a certain type of Southern wife, in a way that really roots that movie to a certain time and place. I don't think you're meant to think of that film as being about Baton Rouge, Louisiana, but it absolutely is, and part of that is in how Andi McDowell plays the role. Any other actress would either have lost that subtlety or laid the Southern on too thick.
posted by Sara C. at 11:32 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

51. Dolph Lundgren - Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
52. Cate Blanchett - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
53. Ben Affleck - Pearl Harbor (2001)
54. John Gavin - Psycho (1960)
posted by zooropa at 12:22 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

35. Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd (1995)

I suggest that Armand Assante is the real "problem" with judge dredd. He is so good as Rico that he make everything else look obviously bad in comparison.
posted by Hicksu at 12:53 AM on December 18, 2013

I'm so happy that The Fifth Element and Ruby Rhod in particular is Something That Metafilter Likes. Supa green y'all!
posted by like_neon at 1:52 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Stalone was the problem that ruined Judge Dredd? What about Rob Schneider?

I agree that Armand Assante was completely excellent, but there were plenty of excellent actors in that film - even Stalone, who would have been fine if he had kept his helmet on.

I still like so much of that movie. But Schneider!
posted by Auden at 2:18 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

in fairness, Andie McDowell didn't hurt to watch in Four Weddings more than Julia Roberts did in Notting Hill. I'm no fan of McDowell but it really doesn't help her case that Richard Curtis can't write female characters.

It shows what an amazing actress she is that Emma Thompson has knocked it out of the park twice in Richard Curtis films (The Tall Guy and Love Actually).
posted by Summer at 2:45 AM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

Also, fuck this writer - John Travolta did not ruin Battlefield Earth. He singlehandedly saved it. The movie would be a boring, unwatchable piece of shit without him, instead of the glorious mess it wound up being

It's moronic in the first place to suggest that a movie could be improved if only the one person who actually wanted the movie to be made wasn't involved in it. No Travoltra, no Battlefield Earth.

This goes for more entries on the list of course.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:52 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

I used to rent a decent-sized house with a couple of coworkers I was friends with. We had a housewarming party in which there was a lot of drinking and Battlefield Earth.

I was tremendously drunk and cheeful, and I couldn't take more than a few minutes of Battlefield Earth.
posted by Foosnark at 4:54 AM on December 18, 2013

I have this fantasy that someday we'll be able to watch a movie, virtually substituting good actors for the bad ones. Tops on my list of actors who stand out like sore thumbs in movies I love: Kevin Costner displaying his usual woodenness in Bull Durham--I'd love to hear his speeches from an actor who understand pacing and inflection--and Daryl Hannah in Roxanne.

I'd also like to see Easter Parade with Gene Kelly, as originally cast until he broke an ankle. Not that I dislike Fred Astaire in the movie; on the contrary. But it would be a different movie with Gene Kelly and I'd like to see that one, too.
posted by not that girl at 5:17 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

And Andie MacDowell in Groundhog Day.
posted by not that girl at 5:20 AM on December 18, 2013

"90% of directing a picture is casting the right actors."
-- Kevin Costner

The other 10% is being anyone but Kevin Costner.
posted by spitbull at 5:29 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

35. Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd (1995)

I suggest that Armand Assante is the real "problem" with judge dredd. He is so good as Rico that he make everything else look obviously bad in comparison.

Stallone having script control was certainly a big problem with that movie - Danny Cannon was quite open about that before he decided he'd sooner salvage his career.
posted by Artw at 5:47 AM on December 18, 2013

Darren Ewing Troll 2

He's responsible for one of the legendary moments in the film, and it's superlative. What brings the film down is the ling sequence with the community theater goth.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:04 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Although The Conqueror is only 24, it should be a good bit higher. After all it was so bad it killed many of the cast and crew, including John Wayne.
posted by TedW at 6:12 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would add to this list Richard Crenna in First Blood. Before shooting, Kirk Douglas was meant to play Colonel Trautman, but when Stallone and the producers realized it had sequel potential and rewrote the end without Rambo's suicide, Douglas quit in disgust, leaving us with the execrably artificial Crenna ruining every scene he's in. Can you imagine Brian Dennehy contending with Kirk Douglas instead of that smug dick Crenna?

Also, "You're gonna need a bigger boat" notwithstanding, Roy Scheider sucks shit in Jaws. Spielberg clearly agrees, since he fades at least one scene out during a stretch of Scheider dialog, cutting him off mid-sentence. Scheider made a career of appearing lost on set.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 6:15 AM on December 18, 2013

what?
posted by philip-random at 6:27 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

John Voigt was GREAT in Anaconda.

What this list fails to realize (other than stop it with the Internet listicle thing already) is that Voight's performance falls into that fun category of a good actor who recognizes he or she is in a bad movie and decides to just have fun with it (for crying out loud, he winks at the camera in his last scene!). Another example would be Alan Rachins (you may remember him as the uptight managing partner in LA Law) cranking the sleaze to 11 as the director in Showgirls.
posted by Gelatin at 6:32 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

You're gonna out that opinion in Jaws? Roy Scheider's in Jaws. Our Roy Scheider.

(Laughs. Singing:)

Farewell and adieu to you fine Ice Cream Socialist ...
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:35 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wait, did I say something wrong?
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 6:38 AM on December 18, 2013

I'm not going to waste my time arguing with a man who's lining up to be a hot lunch.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:40 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

That doesn't mean you have to serve me up as smörgåsbord!
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 6:45 AM on December 18, 2013

/later scars are compared in MetaTalk.
posted by Artw at 6:46 AM on December 18, 2013

And then we drink to our legs!
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:50 AM on December 18, 2013

You're certifiable, Bunny! You know that?
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 6:54 AM on December 18, 2013

Same deal with Christensen. No one in the fucking world could have done anything with the dialogue he was given.

Exhibit A: Natalie Portman has shown in other movies that she can act, and she's terrible in the prequels, too.
posted by Gelatin at 6:57 AM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

instead of that smug dick Crenna

I see what you did there!
posted by Carillon at 7:01 AM on December 18, 2013

Exhibit B: George Lucas made Samuel L Jackson boring.
posted by bonehead at 7:19 AM on December 18, 2013 [13 favorites]

Ewan McGregor is pretty bad in Phantom as is Liam Neeson

Jake Lloyd is just flat out awful... some of his line readings are school nativity standard
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:30 AM on December 18, 2013

Another amazing thing about Battlefield Earth:

I don't know what the current edition of the DVD looks like (I assume it's the same), but the best and most accurate testament to the movie's quality was the pull-quote on the back of the DVD case.

Right at the top, it said:

"...great scene transitions and some of the better special effects of the year...the film was fast, furious and just a good ol' time at the theaters."
- JoBlo's Movie Emporium

The second half of that is still more of a compliment than the film deserved (and in the full context of review it's not as much of a compliment as it seems), but let's take a second and think about what we're reading here.

It means that, even if you widen the playing field to include the internet - in other words, pretty much every published opinion about the movie - that even then, the nicest thing anyone had to say about Battlefield Earth was that it had great scene transitions.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:39 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Around here we just cut to the chase and call her Andie MacStupid.

Why would you be so vulgar as to change her name when you could just acknowledge that a dowel is an inanimate wooden rod?
posted by psoas at 8:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Around here we just cut to the chase and call her Andie MacStupid.

Why would you be so vulgar as to change her name when you could just acknowledge that a dowel is an inanimate wooden rod?

For that matter, why not Andie MacDull?
posted by Etrigan at 8:07 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Note: Andie MacDowell has a southern accent of South Carolina/border-with-North Carolina variety, not a Texas accent.
posted by raysmj at 8:11 AM on December 18, 2013

I saw Battlefield Earth about two weeks after it opened. There were maybe ten other people in the theater at the time. By the end, everyone there was openly and loudly mocking it. I have rarely been in an audience with such unanimity of opinion.

"Don't worry, boys- Molly Hatchet is here! And they brought the Harrier jump-jets!"





My mother (a theatre director) used to say that what Williams needed was a director who could and would say "Okay, Robin, that was great. Now, pull it back in for the take…"


Ironically, that's pretty much the advice that Williams gives in The Birdcage.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:06 AM on December 18, 2013

The opposite of that is why George C. Scott never worked with Kubrick again after Dr. Strangelove.
posted by griphus at 9:10 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think what does it for me with her accent in sex, lies, and videotape isn't so much that it's from the right place (nobody in suburban Houston, Shreveport, Tampa, or wherever the movie is supposed to specifically take place actually has that kind of accent). It's that it sets her as just that specific sort of uptight sorority girl with the strand of pearls that dominates those sorts of towns.

It's not even so much her accent. Julia Roberts has a similar accent and is arguably a better actress. But MacDowell nails that particular sort of Southern homecoming queen tightly strung thing that makes that a particular character I actually recognize as opposed to Any Wife in Anytown, USA. Despite the fact that she otherwise can't act worth a damn.
posted by Sara C. at 9:10 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Sara C.: "Julia Roberts has a similar accent and is arguably a better actress."

Julia Roberts is not a better actress than anyone, ever.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:42 AM on December 18, 2013

Yeah, I'm no fan of Julia Roberts, but she's generally unobjectionable in most things. Andie MacDowell is one of those "CANNOT ACT" punchlines.
posted by Sara C. at 9:59 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Monica Potter has the exact same voice as Julia Roberts. I'm convinced that that's how she started getting roles. Nationwide should just have hired her to do voiceovers, woulda been cheaper.
posted by sweetkid at 10:06 AM on December 18, 2013

Andie MacDowell is one of those "CANNOT ACT" punchlines

True, and also has anyone even seen Rebecca Pigeon in The Spanish Prisoner? Ugh, so bad.
posted by sweetkid at 10:07 AM on December 18, 2013

davelog: Zardoz

I avoided watching Zardoz for years because its outer surface is made of pure cheese. After finally watching it, I found it surprisingly profound and sophisticated. Some of its cinematography reminded me of David Lynch.

It's weird, but it kind of rules.
posted by Ratio at 10:10 AM on December 18, 2013 [9 favorites]

Am I the only one who favorited every mention of Chris Tucker or The Fifth Element in this thread?
posted by i less than three nsima at 10:15 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Julia Roberts is not a better actress than anyone, ever.

She was perfectly cromulent in Steel Magnolias, although Shirley MacLaine walked off with that movie.
posted by ambrosia at 10:16 AM on December 18, 2013

True, and also has anyone even seen Rebecca Pigeon in The Spanish Prisoner? Ugh, so bad.

I thought that was on purpose... Her character is carefully constructed, both stilted and charming at once.
posted by mochapickle at 10:16 AM on December 18, 2013

I think it was sorta supposed to be on purpose, it being Mamet (yea I know they're married)...but it was just bad. I haven't seen the film in a long time and I don't think I've seen her in anything other than Mamet (on looking at her film history, I guess I saw her in Shopgirl too but don't remember). I remember her being terrible in the Winslow Boy, too.
posted by sweetkid at 10:22 AM on December 18, 2013

Come on Metafilter...where's the pedantry? Pauly Shore was in Encino Man not California Man. I think the guy gave up towards the end. Nailed it with Hayden Christensen though.
posted by chisel at 10:33 AM on December 18, 2013

I always got the impression that Andie MacDowell was in everything for the same reason that all the "that guy!" character actors are - shows up, does above-average-if-not-exceptional work, doesn't cause any problems, gets the job done. And she's inoffensive vanilla with, if not broad appeal, at least no real broad dislike.
posted by jason_steakums at 11:12 AM on December 18, 2013

I avoided watching Zardoz for years because its outer surface is made of pure cheese. After finally watching it, I found it surprisingly profound and sophisticated.

the secret is to see it for the first time on late late night TV while coming down from your first acid trip ... in the 1970s sometime.
posted by philip-random at 11:29 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Give Williams 10 minutes of a film, and he'll be great. Give him 90 minutes and, well....

What about Branagh's Hamlet, though? I know Osric is a ludicrous part to start with, but Williams grins his way through it like a TV gameshow audience spot-prize winner who's been invited onstage to smile and wave during the credits roll.
posted by Sonny Jim at 12:04 PM on December 18, 2013

Can't remember what film was, but I do remember a review saying the only thing it had to recommend it was 'Andie McDowell under heavy artillery fire'.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 12:28 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Harrison's Flowers is the "Andie McDowell under artillery fire" movie.
posted by Chrysostom at 12:35 PM on December 18, 2013

I would hesitate to compare Andie MacDowell to a "that guy", if only because so many "that guys" are that guy because there's something colorful and awesome about them.

However, I'm a bit surprised to see so much MacDowell hate. She's bland, for sure, and I have no particular affection for her work, but I would never single her out as awful. Maybe I haven't seen her in enough things.

(I have never seen Four Weddings and a Funeral.
posted by brundlefly at 12:54 PM on December 18, 2013

I haven't seen enough of her stuff to really care one way or the other, and as I've said she has one movie where she really fucking works, whether that's down to her talent or just the casting choice in general.

I think she's one of those people who is infamous for being a bad actor, but probably doesn't quite live up to the hype.
posted by Sara C. at 12:57 PM on December 18, 2013

MetaFilter: It's weird, but it kind of rules.
posted by Gelatin at 12:58 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I liked her in Groundhog Day and didn't mind her in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Otherwise, I just can't work up any nerd rage over her. Probably because she hasn't been in anything else I care about, that I can think of.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:02 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

My impression is that her whole career got sort of a Michael splashback. It's not a very good movie and her performance is pretty phoned-in.
posted by muddgirl at 1:07 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm a little surprised Michael didn't make this list. Though it's really hard to single out who you could remove to make that movie OK. It is categorically not OK.
posted by Sara C. at 1:10 PM on December 18, 2013

Michael would have been an okay movie if it had been called Gabriel, starred Christopher Walken, and he had immediately killed Andie MacDowell.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:16 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

Another movie that would have been 100x better if the main character was digitally removed.
posted by muddgirl at 1:20 PM on December 18, 2013

A list of great performances in terrible movies would probably be way cooler and a lot less like shooting fish in a barrel.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:20 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oo! Oo! Oo! Fiona Shaw in Super Mario Brothers - cackling like a Batman villain and shouting that SOON THE UNIVERSE WILL BE MINE!
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Although The Conqueror is only 24, it should be a good bit higher. After all it was so bad it killed many of the cast and crew, including John Wayne.

I've read a bit about the unusually high cancer/mortality rate of the cast and crew of that production, but lets not forget that the Duke was a pack a day guy for like, fifty years, so I think there's more to it than nukes...
posted by stenseng at 1:37 PM on December 18, 2013

A list of great performances in terrible movies would probably be way cooler and a lot less like shooting fish in a barrel.

Richard E. Grant - Hudson Hawk
posted by stenseng at 1:39 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Are you trying to imply that Hudson Hawk is bad?
posted by brundlefly at 1:48 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

A list of great performances in terrible movies would probably be way cooler and a lot less like shooting fish in a barrel.

Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight.
posted by mochapickle at 1:51 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Jack Nicholson as the Joker in Batman would work pretty well on the original list, actually.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:55 PM on December 18, 2013

Are you trying to imply that Hudson Hawk is bad?


Oh yes. It's god AWFUL. I *love* it, own it on DVD, and a friend of mine and I once bought hudsonhawk.com just because we could, but yeah, it's a giant steaming pile of shit.

Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July.
posted by stenseng at 1:56 PM on December 18, 2013

great performances in terrible movies

Grace Jones in A View to a Kill.

Seriously, even the horses in that movie are bad. They're always looking directly at the camera.
posted by troika at 2:00 PM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]

...I take it you haven't seen Michael.

Hudson Hawk is incredibly campy but it's a competently-executed movie. I unironically enjoy it from time to time. It's one flaw is not enough Sandra Bernhardt.
posted by muddgirl at 2:01 PM on December 18, 2013

Hudson Hawk is incredibly campy but it's a competently-executed movie. I unironically enjoy it from time to time. It's one flaw is not enough Sandra Bernhardt.

Everything about this comment is incorrect. Especially the Sandra Bernhardt part. I'd add her to this post's list, if Hudson Hawk weren't such a beautiful trainwreck in general... She's the worst thing in a movie full of not so good things.
posted by stenseng at 2:03 PM on December 18, 2013

great performances in terrible movies

Woody Harrelson, the single bright moment in the simply awful 2012
posted by mochapickle at 2:07 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Everything about this comment is incorrect.

I don't unironically enjoy the movie from time to time?
posted by muddgirl at 2:09 PM on December 18, 2013

A list of great performances in terrible movies would probably be way cooler and a lot less like shooting fish in a barrel.

Peter O'Toole in My Favorite Year ... and he got an Oscar nod for it. That's how good the guy is/was. Seriously, try to imagine any other actor making that movie worth watching.
posted by philip-random at 2:09 PM on December 18, 2013

I don't unironically enjoy the movie from time to time?

Do you? Do you really? :)
posted by stenseng at 2:10 PM on December 18, 2013

Peter O'Toole in My Favorite Year ... and he got an Oscar nod for it.

Oh, is that why Tumblr, Pinterest, and Facebook are full of stills of him in that, and not for any of the hugely iconic films he's done?

Sorry, that's really been bothering me. Lawrence Of Arabia is a beautifully shot film, and you fucking teenagers choose a bunch of stills from My Favorite Year to memorialize him?

The internet is the worst.
posted by Sara C. at 2:14 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

...yes? It's not like the writers, directors, and actors all thought they were making their generation's Citizen Kane but ended up with Hudson Hawk. For what it is, it is an enjoyable movie. I can't say that about a bunch of other movies.
posted by muddgirl at 2:15 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

The internet is the worst.


The trick is not minding that it hurts.
posted by stenseng at 2:15 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

METAFILTER (and Lawrence): The trick is not minding that it hurts.
posted by philip-random at 2:17 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oo! Oo! Oo! Fiona Shaw in Super Mario Brothers - cackling like a Batman villain and shouting that SOON THE UNIVERSE WILL BE MINE!

Oh I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, but Raul Julia in Street Fighter hits the same notes and his performance is the only worthwhile thing about that movie.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:24 PM on December 18, 2013

Val Kilmer in the Island of Dr. Moreau.
posted by philip-random at 2:27 PM on December 18, 2013

Mm. I think the only one on the list who single-handedly brought down a movie was Sofia Coppola, not because she's a bad actor, but because she's not an actor at all, just someone who's doing her dad a favour by walking through these scenes - that has a terrible knock-on effect on the credibility of the whole film and deflates it dreadfully. If they'd got a merely professional actor to play that role, the movie would have been OK; if they had actually got Winona Ryder at that time for it it might have been quite remarkable. As it was, I remember sitting in the cinema being distracted by the fact that there was something quite wrong with what I was watching. I suppose what we would now call the Phantom Menace Effect.

No one else on the list has single-handedly had that effect on a movie.
posted by Grangousier at 3:39 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh! Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands . Though to me that falls into movies that weren't great necessarily to begin with. However his performance really just put me out of the whole thing. I certainly don't know if I'd love it without him, but I can imagine someone who's less Johnny-Depp-like doing a more serviceable role.
posted by Carillon at 4:00 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's weird, I don't hate Johnny Depp, but I do hate Johnny Depp as directed by Tim Burton. Which is especially odd considering their decades-long collaboration.
posted by Sara C. at 4:02 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Performance that ruined a movie: Rachel Weisz in Constantine.

Could just as well throw Helena Bonham Carter in there and go straight to video.
posted by phaedon at 5:51 PM on December 18, 2013

I have a love/hate relationship with Constantine: I love Constantine, and I hate myself for loving it.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:52 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Tilda Swinton, Peter Stormare, and Djimon Hounsou make Constantine a far better movie than it should be.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:58 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

There are apparently parts of Constantine that don't have Tilda, Stormare, or Djimon in them, but I've never seeing.
posted by The Whelk at 6:08 PM on December 18, 2013

Constantine is pretty great. The worst parts are really more middling than bad, the good parts are really good. It's just not a good Hellblazer movie.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:41 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

In an ideal world, it would have sat in development hell and reemerged years later rewritten as a Supernatural movie, somehow keeping Swinton, Stormare and Hounsou attached in the interim.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:43 PM on December 18, 2013

Constantine, Shoot 'Em High, MI: III, Jack Reacher, Dredd, Sin City.. I will never apologize for loving all of those movies. Nolan really pissed me off with that last Dark Knight movie. And Avengers, Captain America, Thor, X-Men etc. can all go screw.
posted by phaedon at 6:49 PM on December 18, 2013

...but there were plenty of excellent actors in that film - even Stalone, who would have been fine if he had kept his helmet on.

Now I have to rewatch this as I seem to have forgotten the impact the Rob Schneider parts. I remember them sort of, but my memory just sort of glosses over them.

Note: I do like that Rob Schneider always seems like he is working hard and doing his best even if he doesn't quite work out well in a part.
posted by Hicksu at 6:56 PM on December 18, 2013

The actors who tend to take me out of filmsare outsized over-the-top comics in bit parts: Will Farrel, Jack Black, Kristen Schaal, Ken Jeong. I can't think of too many performances with Robin Williams in a small role, but I'd love to see a version of Baron Munchausen with someone else as the moon.

I think Ben Stiller has starred in a LOT of movies that I might have enjoyed with a different actor.

Conversely, I think David Cross and Zack Galifinaikis have played a lot of parts completely against how they were intended, but with enough care where it adds to the film.
posted by elr at 6:57 PM on December 18, 2013

Encino Man was called California Man in the UK, and Total Film is a UK publication. As a 90's teen trifle I saw at the right age, I quite liked the film (though I imagine it wouldn't hold up to me today) and Pauly Shore in it, but he does only have one mode. Much like Rob Schneider, if you cast him you know exactly what you're getting.

This list needed much more in the way of actors whose egregious miscasting was the obvious worst part of an average-to-bad film, and fewer films which are just generally bad across the board, so that one poor performance doesn't stand out as being what sinks the entire endeavour. More John Waynes, Mickey Rooneys and Sofia Coppolas, fewer Nic Cages and Elizabeth Berkleys.
posted by gadge emeritus at 7:37 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Hilary Swank, obviously, in Amelia. And she was never to be heard of again.
posted by phaedon at 7:50 PM on December 18, 2013

Also, pretty much everybody in Any Given Sunday. What a horribly cast movie. Dennis Quaid? Cameron Diaz? Al Pacino? Ann Margret? Take your pick.
posted by phaedon at 1:14 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

SHARON STONE in Showgirls

what the actual fuck this is a movie that every gay boy in the 90s watched over and I DO NOT REMEMBER Sharon Stone in this film

ps movie night at my place tomorrow double bill Showgirls and Basic Instinct.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:27 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

And now to actually address the list:

Nicolas Cage The Wicker Man (2006) - nothing can rescue a movie from the black hole of charisma suckage that is Nicolas Cage. I have no idea how the man gets work.

Taylor Lautner Abduction (2011) - anything with Taylor Lautner is good because maybe he'll take his shirt off and excuse me for a few minutes

Orlando Bloom – Pirates Of The Caribbean (2003-2007) - The boy is insanely pretty. That's also all he's got. Thank god Legolas was such a relatively minor character in LOTR because watching him EMOTE! BECAUSE! RADA! GRADUATES! EMOTE! (Poorly) (Unless you knuh nuthin jon snuh)

Andie MacDowell – Four Weddings And A Funeral (1994) - I love this movie more than I can say. I also pretend that Teeth And Gums With Great Hair And No Personality wasn't actually in it. Also I think she ages backwards. The Portrait of something something.

Sean Connery – The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) - wait I'm sorry you can't polish a turd ruin a movie that unspeakably awful. If anything, Connery's godawful performance was the best thing in that festering feculent shitpile of a cinematic abortion.

Madonna Body Of Evidence (1993) - come the fuck on already this movie was fucking terrible in the best possible way and the addition of Madge was just the diarrhea icing on the shit cake. Only thing she was ever good in was Evita, and that was kind of playing to type; greedy little social climber trading on a few skills to become vacuously famous. NOT A STRETCH is what I am saying here. Also I love Madge and it's time to listen to Like a Virgin Who Never Tried To Act Ever. That's what the song is called right?

Tommy Lee Jones Batman Forever (1995) - Tommy Lee Jones is always awesome and if you say fucking otherwise I will cut your face.

Vinnie Jones X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) - Yeah ok this was just terrible

Kevin Costner – Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991) - I kind of view this movie as everyone else trying to teach Costner how to act and failing miserably. It's probably telling that I thought this when I saw it in the theatre when I was twelve goddamn years old. What happened to that assassination website because I have a name I want to put on it.

Mariah Carey Glitter (2001) - again, this list is about movies that were ruined. You can't fucking ruin a trainwreck like that one. And yet somehow she did.

Jennifer Lopez Gigli (2003) - ibid.

M. Night Shyamalan Lady In The Water (2006) - dude has made one decent movie, and it's only decent the first time if you've never heard anything about it and have been conveniently lobotomized before watching. This? Shit? Fuck off. Someone stop paying this man please for the love of Herzog.

Bruce Willis Ocean’s Twelve (2004) The awful sequel to a pretty damn great remake. HERE IS A HINT HOLLYWOOD when your movie relies on being totally contemporary yet relying on a MacGuffin far beyond current science, and you use an actress playing a character pretending to be the actress in question you have gone OFF THE FUCKING rails and just admit you're Michael Bey in disguise already ok?Bruce was very goddamn far from the worst thing in that movie.

Elizabeth Berkley Showgirls (1995) - fuck you this movie rocked.

Sage Stallone Rocky V (1990) - 1) Sage? Sylvester should be hung drawn and quartered for doing that to his child, 2) "Sadly, he didn’t check first to see if said son could actually act." Neither did Stallone's dad or agent or anyone who ever hired Stallone for a movie so can you really blame the guy?

Chris Tucker The Fifth Element (1997) - Whoever wrote this list is broken in many ways because holy shit it was amazing to see that guy play the faggiest (I'm a fag I am not being a jerk here) character in the history of ever and he was AWESOME like everything else about this movie so just shut up and take my money for the sequel thanks.

Ahmed Best – Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999) - Oh look they finally got something right.

Halle Berry Catwoman (2004) - So shitty damn movie with shitty damn actors is shitty? THIS IS MY SURPRISED FACE. Best thing about that movie was the final credits because YAY IT IS OVER NOW.

Steven Seagal Exit Wounds (2001) Come the fuck on you're just shooting fish in a barrel now.

Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd (1995) I am the law! Three Shells! I'm falling off a cliff! Honestly someone could just do a supercut of all Stallone's movies and I would still rather watch paint peel. Except Demolition Man was actually kind of cute and the only movie other than Speed and Miss Taming of the Shrew Congeniality I can tolerate Sandra I Am A Black Hole Of Charisma And Talent Bullock in.

Laurence Olivier The Betsy (1978) - You have got to be fucking joking. Three centuries from now when even his bones have turned to dust Olivier will still be able to out-act anyone you can fucking name anytime anywhere so go fuck yourself listmaker.

Robert De Niro Frankenstein (1994) - Everything about this stupid movie sucked sweaty goat balls and I saw it when I was fifteen and stoned out of my fucking mind and still thought it was awful. So why you're singling out an otherwise serviceable actor I don't even.

Robin Williams Patch Adams (1998) - I love Robin "I'll Plagiarize Any Comic Anywhere" Williams with the fiery heat of a thousand suns. And not one thing about this movie was any good. Wait no, some of the trees were quite nice.

John Travolta - Battlefield Earth (2000) & Pauly Shore - California Man (1992) - see turd polishing.

Keanu Reeves Dracula (1991) - ok I'll give them this one because you have to be extra special levels of suck to ruin a movie with Gary goddamn Oldman in it.

Hayden Christensen – Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones (2002) - See comments on Taylor Lautner above. Plus I've actually met the dude and he is even more heartthumpingly gorgeous in real life than you could possibly believe. You know when you look at Hollywood people and you're like "real people don't look like that without stylists and spackle"? Yeah, thing is on a Sunday afternoon when he's playing frisbee with his cousins in the backyard across from your friend's place and has a toke with you? Yeah, he's actually that goddamn gorgeous. We couldn't actually form coherent sentences when he looked at us.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:08 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nicolas Cage The Wicker Man (2006) - nothing can rescue a movie from the black hole of charisma suckage that is Nicolas Cage. I have no idea how the man gets work.

Cage is his own weird style of charismatic. It depends on the project. Sometimes you get boring Nicolas Cage (National Treasure), sometimes you get utterly bonkers Nicolas Cage (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans). When you get the later, it is magic.

Also: Raising Arizona.
posted by brundlefly at 8:30 AM on December 20, 2013

I need to watch more movies.

I did not see The Fifth Element at the movies. Around the time it was out Event Horizon was/had come out and EH, which I thought was a science fiction film, not a horror movie, pissed me the hell off and I avoided sci fi that wasn't Trek or Star Wars a while.

However, I went to a Digital Domain party in Orlando and caught playing on the video screens some incredible clips of the work they'd done for the movie, so we rented it shortly after. Absolutely a fun rocking time.

However, I'd totally be on board with Beyonce going in to do all of the Bruce Willis parts. And I'm curious to see what she'd do with The Whole Nine Yards.
posted by tilde at 8:40 AM on December 20, 2013

Yippeeee kaayYYYAAAAAAYyyyyyyyyyyshooooooooobedooooobbbaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaa motherfucker
posted by Think_Long at 9:07 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Cage is his own weird style of charismatic. It depends on the project. Sometimes you get boring Nicolas Cage (National Treasure), sometimes you get utterly bonkers Nicolas Cage (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans). When you get the later, it is magic.

On How Did This Get Made, they have divided this into Nick Tic and Cage Rage.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 9:12 AM on December 20, 2013

Are you cartooning me?
posted by griphus at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2013

Is there any particular reason to assume that Beyoncé can act? I get that people like her, but I'm not clear on why anyone thinks she would improve a movie.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

She was the best thing about the worst Austin Powers movie.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 9:16 AM on December 20, 2013

How do we know Beyonce can't act?
posted by tilde at 9:16 AM on December 20, 2013

How do we know Beyonce can't act?

The worst Austin Powers movie.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:19 AM on December 20, 2013

She was the best thing about the worst Austin Powers movie.

I consider that more of a long-form music video.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:20 AM on December 20, 2013

Whether or not she can act and whether or not she can improve a movie are two different questions. I don't know if she can act, but she would certainly improve any movie she's in.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 9:21 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Beyonce can't act.

For evidence, check out Cadillac Records.

She makes the aforementioned Andie MacDowell look like Oscar material.
posted by Sara C. at 9:22 AM on December 20, 2013

What if the entire movie is sung, Umbrellas Of Cherbourg style!
posted by The Whelk at 9:27 AM on December 20, 2013

Yippeeee kaayYYYAAAAAAYyyyyyyyyyyshooooooooobedooooobbbaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaa motherfucker

Wouldn't work. Beyonce has a thing about not swearing in public or on screen ever, because it would disappoint her mother or grandmother, I forget. See the video for Gaga's Telephone, it's why she covers her mouth during the scene in the diner.

She makes the aforementioned Andie MacDowell look like Oscar material.

Such hyperbole is unbecoming of a lady.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:51 AM on December 20, 2013

Andie MacDowell has received quite a few Golden Globe award nominations, for what it's worth. Unlike Pia Zadora, however, she has never won one.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 9:59 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Simple fix, every time there's supposed to be a swear word from Beyonce, you throw a big colorful Batman '66 BAM! POW! splash screen up to "bleep" it.

Also I would like to combine my wish for Beyonce in every Bruce Willis movie with my wish for Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod in every Bruce Willis movie plzkthnx
posted by jason_steakums at 12:25 PM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also also we're talking about her replacing Bruce Willis, seriously for 99% of his roles the acting doesn't matter
posted by jason_steakums at 12:27 PM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

This is going to make Death Becomes Her a really weird movie.
posted by The Whelk at 12:31 PM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

gender flipped remake of Death Becomes Her yessss
posted by The Whelk at 12:31 PM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm more confused about what the implications of this role reversal will be for the Bruno albums.
posted by Think_Long at 12:40 PM on December 20, 2013

That episode of Moonlighting where Beyoncé finally sleeps with Cybill Shepherd is going to be nuts.
posted by Chrysostom at 12:51 PM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

my wish for Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod in every Bruce Willis movie

ftfy
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:55 PM on December 20, 2013

Like seriously how they didn't do a Ruby Rhod spinoff movie I have no fucking clue.

And actually, weird as this may sound because Chris Tucker just can't act and annoys me deeply in everything else he's ever done, I respect his bravery in playing such a flamboyant character (yeah okay he bonks girls in the movie but hello, the character was gayer than Liberace in drag) so long ago. It was kind of a big deal as a queer teen to see such a guy's guy flame out so much and receive, if memory serves, zero criticism for it from the sources one might expect.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:57 PM on December 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Andie MacDowell has received quite a few Golden Globe award nominations, for what it's worth.

I'm sure the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association know how much it's worth. To the penny.
posted by Etrigan at 3:05 PM on December 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Commercial! COMMERCIAL!! Bzzzzzt!
posted by tilde at 5:25 PM on December 20, 2013

Three of the ten most-favorited comments on metafilter (at this time) are about how Chris Tucker was a perfect casting in the Fifth Element. The Internet has spoken.
posted by Going To Maine at 12:29 PM on December 21, 2013 [4 favorites]