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A Gift To You
December 27, 2013 9:58 AM   Subscribe

As the Christmas season winds down, but before New Year plunges a stake into its Dracula Corpse to end it, enjoy Matt Fraction, Maggie Serota and the War Rocket Ajax crew challening each other to create the worst Christmas mixtape. Not interested in audio format banter and such? There is a Youtube Playlist. WARNING: Mostly offensive for aesthetic reasons but there are some other terribles in there as well.
posted by Artw (34 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Needs more McCartney.

Somebody -- I refuse to Google and find out who -- recently covered "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" and added the T-Pain/Cher effect, because the damned song wasn't cheesy enough already.
posted by Foosnark at 10:09 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Until I heard this, I had no idea Tiny Tim had perpetrated that particular atrocity. Those were happier times.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:14 AM on December 27, 2013


Now hang on a minute: Last Christmas is awesome and does not belong in that company.

(I hated it as an 80s teenager -- oh god those awkward school discos -- but it has grown on me enormously with age. "Guilty feet have got no rhythm.")
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 10:19 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


That is discussed. I am of the opinion it fully belongs there. Do They Know It's Christmas Time is available as an alternate, but at least that gave money to charity.
posted by Artw at 10:20 AM on December 27, 2013


I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With a Dalek is an unimpeachable CLASSIC. Philistines.
posted by davros42 at 10:29 AM on December 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


Needs more Kay Martin And Her Bodyguards.
posted by pdb at 10:38 AM on December 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Every shop I went into this year seemed to be playing 'Rockin' Robin'... I was soon utterly loathing it.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:45 AM on December 27, 2013


Also those shops that won't pony up to play the proper Christmas songs so have some slightly off fake versions playing... for a few minutes it makes you think you've stepped into an parallel universe or something.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:47 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


CHRISTMAS WITH A DALEK HAS NO PLACE BEING ON HERE FOR SHAME.

I nominate "So This Is Christmas" cause I always know its the Holiday Time cause I hear the line "and what have you done?" out in the wild and it sends me into such a deep dark blackout funk that I inevitably wake up all unshaven and spooky 72 hours later staring catatonically at my own baby pictures with the words "TO DO: FIX LIFE" scratched into my inner arm.
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 AM on December 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


I actually like Gaga's Christmas Tree cause it seems to take place in some louche, low remt, ultra camp Joel Schumacher Gotham City universe where robotic Santa vixens dance awkwardly under neon Christmas lights in a permanent gloomy drizzle.
posted by The Whelk at 11:04 AM on December 27, 2013


Were I to compile some crazy Chris Sims 700 song long Christmas song playlist that one and the Dalek one are the two from here would be the ones that get in. It would probably be the *only* song on the playlist about oral sex, but who knows?
posted by Artw at 11:07 AM on December 27, 2013


Also Brick isn't a Christmas song, it's a song that takes place at Christmas, but no one is throwing it on at the card shop for that festive wintertime feel.
posted by The Whelk at 11:15 AM on December 27, 2013


Well, nobody is doing that with Pokemon Christmas Bash or the several racist songs either, or so I'd hope...
posted by Artw at 11:17 AM on December 27, 2013


Yeah but they where produced with the idea that they woud be. I don't think Ben Folds was going " Hey I got this great idea for a fun holiday hit, a gloomy song story about abortion with Christmas as a motif!"
posted by The Whelk at 11:19 AM on December 27, 2013


Also, no Christmas Shoes, which is offensive on all levels, aesthic, audio, morally, religiously, narratively, AND It spawned a completely nonsensical and more than borderline offesnive Made for TV movie ( WITH ROB LOWE) that is just as good as "Inspitired by a Christmas song." would imply.
posted by The Whelk at 11:20 AM on December 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


I was about to say that I had forgotten "Brick" took place at Christmas, and then I realized it's like the third goddamn word in the song. (Also I looooooathe that song. Turns out I sort of like BFF, but never gave them a chance because of that miserable turd.)

Also also my choice for worst Christmas song is either any version of Little Drummer Boy, or anything by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Which is guess is a pretty wide swath of crap.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:22 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


GRIGGADEEGIGGY

EEEYAH EEYAH

IT'S DOMINICK THE DONKEY

GIGGAHDEGIG

EEYAH EEYAH

THE ITALIAN CHRISTMAS DONKEY
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


I want everone to note that The Whelk is getting dangerously close to arguing that songs about alcoholism and spousal abuse have no place on a Best Christmas Sings mixtape...
posted by Artw at 11:25 AM on December 27, 2013


I mean just ..watch this review: The Christmas Shoes
posted by The Whelk at 11:26 AM on December 27, 2013


Who could have predicted that a frickin' Elton John Christmas song would be nine million times better than a Paul McCartney one?
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:26 AM on December 27, 2013


Also, no Christmas Shoes

It was actually one of the rules of the list. Because obviously.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:26 AM on December 27, 2013


It's a tone argument ArtW, also cause Brick isn't a terribly good song from people I expect better from.
posted by The Whelk at 11:27 AM on December 27, 2013


t was actually one of the rules of the list. Because obviously.

Also "No juggalos" and "No N-Words".
posted by Artw at 11:35 AM on December 27, 2013


> Needs more McCartney.

"YESSSSS!!!"
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:35 AM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


If this doesn't contain Jason Mraz's "Sleigh Ride", the autotuned-to-death cover of "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Michael Buble, or the stupid Jack Johnson version of "Rudolph" with the unnecessary additional verse, I call shenanigans.
posted by pxe2000 at 11:50 AM on December 27, 2013


Even better, Micheal Buble's cover of "Santa Baby" , "Santa Buddy." cause nothing says Christmas like a big dose of NO HOMO.
posted by The Whelk at 11:57 AM on December 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


NO HO HO HOMO

I don't get Michael Buble at all. If he's such a great vocalist, why are all his songs so heavy on the autotune?
posted by pxe2000 at 12:15 PM on December 27, 2013


You know, the real beauty of these lists isn't just the song contents, but also the worst transitions possible. Ying Yang Twins to Kidz Bop to Becky Kelley is effectively the musical equivalent of Eating two dozen jelly doughnuts, guzzling a bottle of pepto bismol, eating a plate of buffalo wings, and then getting on the tilt-a-whirl with a drunk and sadistic carney at the controls.
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:16 PM on December 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm fairly certain this is actually a war crime... it was certainly the low light of a review of this years UK Christmas releases I heard on the radio a few weeks a go
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:39 PM on December 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


My wife heard the awful, awful Faith Hill song Where Are You Chistmas? on the radio and we quickly decided it was the worst Christmas song, though the bizarre maudlin lyrics were eventually esplained when we found out it was a tie-in to the Grinch movie. Then again, that thing is a war crime in itself so I'm not sure that makes anything better.
posted by Artw at 1:25 PM on December 27, 2013


I think we can all just agree that there are plenty of awful Christmas songs to go around.
posted by Curious Artificer at 1:38 PM on December 27, 2013


FAAAAALLLLLLLLLL ON YOUR KNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEESSSS AND HEEEEAAAARRE THE OVERPLAAAAYED SSSDSOOOONNNNGGGGG!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:41 PM on December 27, 2013


Christmas take the wheel.
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 PM on December 27, 2013


cause I hear the line "and what have you done?" out in the wild and it sends me into such a deep dark blackout funk

Dan Fogelberg's "Same Auld Lang Syne" should be somewhere on your spontaneous regrets list. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STAY OUT OF THE FROZEN FOODS SECTION THIS SEASON.
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:03 AM on December 28, 2013


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