HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, GAZING AT YOU WITH THAT BUSTER KEATON LOOK

December 29, 2013 3:00 PM

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, RISING FROM THEIR SLUMBER, CLAWING UP THROUGH THE COLD MOIST EARTH, LICKING THEIR FANGS, READY TO USE THAT GROUPON
posted by filthy light thief (37 comments total)

So this is what pop-up ads look like when you log in from a Night Vale IP address?
posted by Jacqueline at 3:04 PM on December 29, 2013 [22 favorites]

Ah, I just found this as well -- somehow, these are all sexier than the real dating site spam I get.
posted by AzraelBrown at 3:04 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Fun fact: this is the first search result for "dread singles," and the second is a drealocks dating site.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:21 PM on December 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

This stuff actually really worries me, that generated ad spam is going to start getting better and better on an evolutionary track and slowly becomes indistinguishable from actual conversation or data until every machine is infected with zombie bot armies and then we have to get into a grim universe of NOT NETWORKED MACHINES.

Also cause whenever I see these HOT SINGLES NOW thing, parody or otherwise, I still fell a little bad thinking there are people lonely and desperate and/or ignorant enough to fall for them and then I get doubly sad because people are awful and I am the Huffest Hufflepuff.
posted by The Whelk at 3:21 PM on December 29, 2013 [10 favorites]

YOLO, they hiss. YOLO.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:22 PM on December 29, 2013 [28 favorites]

This stuff actually really worries me, that generated ad spam is going to start getting better and better on an evolutionary track and slowly becomes indistinguishable from actual conversation or data until every machine is infected with zombie bot armies and then we have to get into a grim universe of NOT NETWORKED MACHINES.


Conversely, we could then all just hang out and chat with the advertising bots, which will presumably be better conversationalists than any of our actual friends. In fact, the joke will be on them, because they'll be more interesting than we are, but they'll have to talk to us anyway.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 3:30 PM on December 29, 2013 [10 favorites]

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WHO LIKE TO TALK DIRTY AND HISS AT YOU ABOUT WHAT THE DEAD SOUND LIKE WHEN THEY ALL COME BACK
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:32 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

That sounds great did YIU know I just got a great blonde coke zero foacial omg it was fresh and black and sparky do YIU like coke zero fics,s for drinking then YIU should click here soooo much fun omg ;) I can't even
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on December 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Tell me more about, talk to us anyway!

Coke zero.
posted by The Whelk at 3:34 PM on December 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Extremely similar to ActualPerson084, so similar I wonder if it's a spin-off.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:35 PM on December 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

So you guys have met my ex-girlfriend?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 3:35 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Of course if the ad bots are really good then they form long term friendships and only slowly weave in the product pushing details into everyday conversation.

Actually, who needs ad bots? This is totally the future job of MFA grads for the next ten years.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on December 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

This does not appeal to me because I am not a hot single.

I am single, and my apartment is kind of overly warm right now. Does that count?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:38 PM on December 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also,

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, GETTING SUMMER JOBS, CATALOGUING, REMEMBERING WHICH CUSTOMER'S SKIN WILL LOOK MOST FLATTERING ON THE CARRION LORD

Calm down, guy, this is pretty much what all retail is like. Even for non-hot and/or -single people.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:39 PM on December 29, 2013

I was hoping this might be about kraft singles but alas no grilled cheese for me.
posted by elizardbits at 3:43 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

You do not make grilled cheese with Kraft singles you barbarian

Now open faced cheese toast on rye in a toaster oven is an effective use of your Kraft single cheese food product,
posted by The Whelk at 3:45 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think it's kind of funny that the familiarity generated by vocal fans of Lovecraft's style has the effect of making his schtick eventually seem banal.
posted by clockzero at 3:50 PM on December 29, 2013

Hey! Don't insult the Keaton.
You don't deserve him.
posted by tooloudinhere at 3:57 PM on December 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

Conversely, we could then all just hang out and chat with the advertising bots,

And sell them stuff!

Eventually they'll be forced to turn to CAPTCHAs to make sure it's another AI that wants to have a meaningful relationship with them, and not some human feigning friendship with them just to sell them chassis polish or personal brand insurance.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:26 PM on December 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm kind of done with everything being all eldritch
posted by threeants at 4:37 PM on December 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

Eldritch is wizard for passé.
posted by mhoye at 5:01 PM on December 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

"I am so over elder gods."
posted by mhoye at 5:02 PM on December 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think it can hear us. O_O
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:12 PM on December 29, 2013

Eldritch is wizard for passé.

Damn, does nothing have a shelf life any more?
posted by sutt at 5:24 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Well, I liked their eldest gods.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:26 PM on December 29, 2013

I prefer the term "vintage gods".
posted by Pyry at 5:33 PM on December 29, 2013 [19 favorites]

Squamous is the new hotness.
posted by KingEdRa at 5:55 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Artisanal heirloom gods?
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:42 PM on December 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

blonde coke zero

The new Pepsi Blue?
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:50 PM on December 29, 2013

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA. SQUAMOUS, RUGOSE AND FUNGOID. NO FATTIES.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:13 PM on December 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

JUFFO-WUP IS THE HOT SINGLES IN THE DARKNESS. ALL ELSE IS UNFILLED VOID.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 8:55 PM on December 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

Artisanal heirloom gods?

Locally-sourced artisanal heirloom gods, actually.
posted by elizardbits at 9:27 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, SNIFFING AROUND THE EDGES OF YOUR SORROW, OPENING FORBIDDEN DOORS, BECKONING

I wasn't expecting a joke twitter account to give me a pang of unironic longing.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:25 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

JUFFO-WUP IS THE HOT SINGLES IN THE DARKNESS. ALL ELSE IS UNFILLED VOID

HOT SINGLES AND HAPPY CAMPERS ENJOY THE SAUCE
posted by The Whelk at 11:13 PM on December 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think it's kind of funny that the familiarity generated by vocal fans of Lovecraft's style has the effect of making his schtick eventually seem banal.

Prolly doesn't help that the author is interspersing the actual content with other tweets that describe the idea as "hella macabre."
posted by psoas at 6:48 AM on December 30, 2013

Yeah, like 2bucksplus said this is a full on ripoff of ActualPerson084.

Live singles in your area are quickly blocking all the entrances to your home!
posted by cirrostratus at 8:30 AM on December 30, 2013

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE LIKELY TO BE EATEN BY A GRUE
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:21 AM on December 30, 2013