Join 3,430 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


I'm gonna eat a shit ton more ants.
January 1, 2014 9:47 PM   Subscribe

New Year's resolutions for an anteater.
posted by hydrophonic (28 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
Eat ants, not too much, mostly ants.
posted by 2bucksplus at 9:53 PM on January 1 [46 favorites]


I for one welcome our new ant overlords, while secretly working for their downfall with the help of this guy.
posted by JHarris at 10:04 PM on January 1


I would eat them in a boat.
I would eat them with a goat.
I would eat them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree -
They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will eat them in a box.
And I will eat them with a fox.
And I will eat them in a house.
And I will eat them with a mouse.
And I will eat them here and there.
Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 PM on January 1 [7 favorites]


I wonder if installing a beehive on top of an anthill would keep the anteaters away. Us social animals need to stick together.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:16 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]


I guess if the New York Times can ape Buzzfeed, the New Yorker can ape McSweeneys.
posted by bpm140 at 10:31 PM on January 1 [24 favorites]


Good. Come over and eat these fuckers that piled up on my back doorstep in just a few days time.
posted by planetesimal at 10:45 PM on January 1


I make these resolutions EVERY year! :P
posted by mazola at 10:51 PM on January 1


Wait. Anteaters eat ants?? That's disgusting.
posted by Random Person at 11:00 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]


I'm gonna ape a shit ton more lower-pretense periodicals.
posted by mistersquid at 11:22 PM on January 1 [6 favorites]


Reminiscent of one of my favorite Onion articles: "Hey, You Got Something To Eat?" by A Goat
posted by outlaw of averages at 11:44 PM on January 1 [8 favorites]


This reminds me a bit of Danny's op-ed From 2003.
posted by blueberry at 12:11 AM on January 2


Thanks, ants. Thants.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:29 AM on January 2 [10 favorites]


Anteaters never get sick. Because of all their anty bodies, you see.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:24 AM on January 2 [25 favorites]


Honey Badger don't care about goddamn anteaters.
posted by Mezentian at 1:30 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]


We took my kid to Boston's Franklin Park Zoo on New Years Eve, and it was awesome! Between the date and the discouraging cold (which we had planned for and bundled against), we saw fewer than 20 other patrons the whole day.

Because (I'm assuming) it was very quiet, the animals were exceptionally active and visible. The giant anteater, who usually snuffles around furtively at the rear of his enclosure, was up near his half-height glass and we spent about 10 minutes with him.

His body has the same general proportions as a tall, lean dog like a wolfhound but he's comically fluffy. Of course, everything above his neck is ridiculous. He was just going through every crevice in the front of his space with his snout, quickly but methodically looking for ants. I had picked up my five-year-old to give her a view over the glass and set her down when he got close. She pressed up to peer at him, and he came to her.

"I wonder if there are any ants on this little girl," he thought and he put his tiny mouth next to her. Of course, his whip-like tongue merely slid along the glass, but he tried to lick her a few times before wondering if there was anything on my boots.

On the way home, my daughter was musing about what it the zoo would be like if you could feed the animals, and mentioned the giant anteater.

"What would you feed him?" I asked rhetorically.

"Well, he's an ant eater, Daddy. I'd feed him a cup of ants! I bet he'd love that!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:39 AM on January 2 [20 favorites]


Like I'd take any advice from a stupid, worthless anteater /overdrawnatthememorybank
posted by The Whelk at 4:12 AM on January 2 [6 favorites]


This joke:

Q. What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
A. "Dead ant, dead ant... dead ant, dead ant, dead ant..."

has never made any sense to me at all. He was the Pink Panther, not the Pink Anteater. Is there a subtle subtext I'm missing where the PP saves the dead ants to later give to the blue aardvark? Were they even friends? The Ant and the Aardvark always just seemed like hired guns, filler in between the main attraction's cool pink antics.
posted by item at 4:23 AM on January 2


It sounds like the pink panther theme item.
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 AM on January 2 [11 favorites]


I doubt it. If ant-eaters could make new years resolutions, they would probably resolve to stop eating so many ants.

"I swear I'm only going to eat a few ants at a time this year. God look at my bulgy stomach. And my fur! It's all matted with dead ants. This is easy, I can do it, just a few ants, then a brisk walk around the pond, then a few more. Oh crap I just ate a whole anthill. OK don't give up, I still maybe could change my ways, just try harder!"

That is the way New Years Resolutions work. Even with anthropomorphized creatures.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:18 AM on January 2 [2 favorites]


Honey badger don't give a shit about anything. Including ants.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:59 AM on January 2


obligatory
posted by hypersloth at 9:06 AM on January 2


also
posted by hypersloth at 9:10 AM on January 2


Item, if the person/people telling you that joke didn't sing the punchline, they were telling it all wrong.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:38 AM on January 2 [4 favorites]


I guess I'm the only naysayer here. Doesn't anyone else think that this is grossly stereotyping the anteater? If you box the anteater into a corner, even in jest, I think you do the anteater and yourself and all the rest of us a grave disservice. Let's all take a New Year's Resolution to consider the effects of our words and to put ourselves in the other guy's shoes before we make fun of him, shall we?
posted by janey47 at 10:31 AM on January 2


...put ourselves in the other guy's shoes...

Because anteaters are extremely empathic and totally do this, and they're cute, too.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:49 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]


Nobody puts anteater in the corner!
posted by blueberry at 11:00 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]


Massive slam on anteaters out of nowhere.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:04 PM on January 2


If I was an anteater I'd use my tongue to steal loose diamonds.
posted by planetesimal at 3:11 PM on January 2


« Older freeindiegam.es has posted a bunch of "Best of 201...  |  Why Procrastinators Procrastin... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments