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The Orc misses Boromir
February 10, 2014 7:21 AM   Subscribe


 
Kinda reminiscent of Dwarf Fortress combat reports. Also, Boromir sure is lucky his sword never gets stuck in an orc while skewering it through the spine.
posted by Zarkonnen at 7:24 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


TIL Boromir has three attacks per turn.
posted by ersatz at 7:26 AM on February 10 [5 favorites]


Replace "orc" with "5-year-old" and this would probably make Reddit very happy.
posted by I Havent Killed Anybody Since 1984 at 7:34 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


So for anyone curious, the github page has the source code and lists it as using 3e D&D rules, but doesn't give Boromir's stats or the stats on the orcs. The orcs have a mighty generous 34 HP each, which should place them in the 6-8 HD range - it's not clear if they have class levels or anything like that.
posted by graymouser at 7:35 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


The Orc misses Boromir

Cheer up, maybe he'll write.
posted by Segundus at 7:36 AM on February 10 [38 favorites]


Works best with this playing in the background.
posted by oulipian at 7:38 AM on February 10




Boromir thrusts his longsword into the orc's spine for 10 damage!

So if you've got 34 hit points, you can survive having a longsword thrust into your spine three times?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:53 AM on February 10 [3 favorites]


So if you've got 34 hit points, you can survive having a longsword thrust into your spine three times?

Just a flesh wound.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 7:54 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


Result: 19 orcs tallied. Death by longsword through the eye.
posted by Iridic at 7:58 AM on February 10


Speaking of flesh wounds, INB4 that Skyrim knee thing.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:58 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


This would go a lot faster in MERP.
posted by pseudocode at 7:59 AM on February 10 [11 favorites]


Boromir needs to somehow figure it out that he has to successively PRAY nine times to summon the collective strengths of the other eight members of the Fellowship along with you--the player--in order to win in the battle against Giyagas the orcs.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 8:00 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


Cheer up, maybe he'll write.
Orcs are senitmental creatures, after all.
posted by plinth at 8:00 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


Orcs are senitmental creatures, after all.


As seen by all those Romantic orc-estral arrangements.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:02 AM on February 10 [7 favorites]


Great. Now I want to see the entire trilogy done this way.
Aragorn walks toward Rivendell.

Frodo follows Aragorn.

Sam follows Aragorn.

Merry follows Aragorn.

Pippin follows Aragorn.

Aragorn walks toward Rivendell.

Frodo follows Aragorn.

Sam follows Aragorn.

Pippin asks about breakfast!

Aragorn says they already had breakfast.

Pippin asks about second breakfast!

Aragorn walks toward Rivendell.

Merry doubts Aragorn's familiarity with second breakfast.

Frodo follows Aragorn.

posted by Naberius at 8:03 AM on February 10 [24 favorites]


Wow! The white-on-black presentation and the language really reminds me of the good times I had playing the Two Towers MUD years ago.
posted by The Confessor at 8:04 AM on February 10 [3 favorites]


Wow that was tedious. Need more realism like the dwarf fortress combat system.
posted by Joe Chip at 8:04 AM on February 10


doesn't give Boromir's stats or the stats on the orcs
  var boromir = Combat.Creature({
    name: "Boromir",
    gender: "male",
    isUnique: true,
    level: 15,
    str: 17,
    dex: 17,
    con: 13,
    hp: 104,
    parts: Boromir.WORDS.humanoidParts,
    stumbles: Boromir.WORDS.stumbles
  });

  boromir.equipWeapon(Boromir.utils.makeWeapon("longsword"));
  boromir.equipArmor(Boromir.utils.makeArmor("chain shirt"));

  function makeOrc() {
    var orc = Combat.Creature({
      name: "orc",
      gender: "male",
      isUnique: false,
      level: 4,
      str: 15,
      dex: 12,
      con: 13,
      hp: 30,
      parts: Boromir.WORDS.humanoidParts,
      stumbles: Boromir.WORDS.stumbles
    });

    orc.equipWeapon(Boromir.utils.makeWeapon("random"));
    orc.equipArmor(Boromir.utils.makeArmor("cloth"));
    return orc;
  }

posted by 7segment at 8:09 AM on February 10 [3 favorites]


It's all in source code: Boromir is level 15, with str: 17, dex: 17, and con: 13, with 104 hit points (and maximum charisma!), wearing a chain shirt and wielding a longsword. Orcs are level 4, though with similar stats.

Poor sod cleaved his way through 20 orcs before he was felled by a longsword to the stomach.
posted by Mayor West at 8:11 AM on February 10


SOUND THE HORN OF GONDOR
posted by nathancaswell at 8:14 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


(Frodo: SAN 54)

The Ring tempts Frodo!
Frodo loses 3 SAN!

posted by Iridic at 8:14 AM on February 10 [7 favorites]


This was surprisingly tense. My instance of Boromir was in fine form; there were several orcs who he dispatched without a single scratch, including a nail-biting run of three in a row when he was down to like 13 hp. He killed the Orc who landed the next-to-last blow, but facing the thirty-fifth Orc with a mere 5hp was too much; that one drove his sword through Boromir's skull for 20hp.

I think that last Orc may have been rolling on the MERP crit table.
posted by egypturnash at 8:15 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


SOUND THE HORN OF GONDOR

*fweee*
posted by Wolfdog at 8:19 AM on February 10 [3 favorites]


The code behind all that is rather refreshingly clear.
posted by underflow at 8:24 AM on February 10


That was FAR more epic than I expected:
(Boromir: 2/119 HP  orc: 34/34 HP)

Weary from battle, Boromir staggers for a moment...
The orc hammers his warhammer into Boromir's skull for 3 damage!
Boromir has been killed!

After killing 28 orcs, Boromir died.

posted by hanov3r at 8:24 AM on February 10


ok, this is a SUPER DUPER derail, but seeing a game and Boromir's death mentioned together triggered some sort of long-buried memory for me...does anyone remember some flash game from maybe 10-15 years ago that somehow involved archery? like, it involved using physics to shoot arrows? I think it had bright colors and made a really satisfying woody sound when you hit the target?
posted by threeants at 8:34 AM on February 10


It's awfully polite of the orcs to queue up in order for Boromir to fight them one at a time. Maybe around the corner, there's an officious Uruk-hai sergeant who requires the each member of the squad to take a number before they can have a go.

For all D&D's derivativeness of Tolkien, the game calls it a "melee round" for a good reason.
posted by Doktor Zed at 8:41 AM on February 10


made a really satisfying woody sound when you hit the target

ew
posted by 7segment at 8:45 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


Faramir: [solemn] You are a friend of Boromir?
Frodo: Yes, for my part.
Faramir: It would grieve you then to learn that he is dead.
Frodo: [shocked] Dead? How? When?


An orc wielding a dagger approaches!
The orc and Boromir close in and begin to fight!

(Boromir: 5/119 HP orc: 34/34 HP)

Boromir wounds the orc for 9 damage!

Boromir slashes the orc for 9 damage!

Boromir runs his longsword through the orc's midsection for 10 damage!

The orc launches himself at Boromir!

The orc drives his dagger into Boromir's head for 9 damage!

Boromir has been killed!

After killing 26 orcs, Boromir died.
posted by nubs at 8:49 AM on February 10 [7 favorites]


For all D&D's derivativeness of Tolkien, the game calls it a "melee round" for a good reason.

Yes, but we don't run games that way as a rule. This is why.
posted by valkyryn at 8:49 AM on February 10 [5 favorites]


So if you've got 34 hit points, you can survive having a longsword thrust into your spine three times?
If I remember my (old school first edition) Dungeon Master's Guide correctly, it's explained that only a very few (if any) of the hit points gained when you gain levels represent the ability to take actual physical damage. Rather, they represent skill at somehow avoiding the damage. So Boromir thrust his longsword at that orc, and if it weren't for the fact that the orc was a pretty skilled guy, it would have gone right through his spine and killed him. But the orc's skill enabled him to deflect it, or squirm out of the way, or whatever, and maybe it only gave him a little scrape on his side.
posted by Flunkie at 8:50 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


A 3e 15th-level fighter ought to be doing way more damage than that. Boromir's player sucks at character construction.
posted by oddman at 8:54 AM on February 10


Headbutts OP, as much damage as a longsword?
posted by waraw at 8:57 AM on February 10


A 3e 15th-level fighter ought to be doing way more damage than that. Boromir's player sucks at character construction.

He just kept taking the "Blow the Horn of Gondor" feat.
posted by nubs at 8:57 AM on February 10 [4 favorites]


This is why I said you gotta play a cleric, Paul! Dammit!
posted by waraw at 8:58 AM on February 10


The orc trips Boromir and he falls to the ground!
The orc runs his greatsword through Boromir's eyes for 8 damage!
Boromir has been killed!


Boromir, you've disappointed me greatly. I expected better from you than a yakety sax, three stooges death.
posted by cellar door at 9:00 AM on February 10


made a really satisfying woody sound when you hit the target

Allen or Toy Story?

On topic - this was mesmerising. I want to run this all night and make graphs.
posted by Fuka at 9:23 AM on February 10


What are these for? Picking the proper swearword to use when getting hit in a $body_part?

parts: Boromir.WORDS.humanoidParts,
stumbles: Boromir.WORDS.stumbles

posted by oceanjesse at 9:34 AM on February 10


Nevermind; I found the answer to my question.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:36 AM on February 10


My Boromir got his ribcage ripped quite a lot.

...perhaps he was huge, and had huge guts? (ob.ref?)
posted by aramaic at 9:43 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


Cheer up, maybe he'll write.

I was playing the excellent roguelike Brogue the other day, and my lovely other half looked over to see "Pink Jelly misses you!"

A new euphemism was born that day.
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:53 AM on February 10 [3 favorites]


I was expecting at least a few black feathered arrows.
posted by Daddy-O at 10:04 AM on February 10 [1 favorite]


made a really satisfying woody sound when you hit the target

Allen or Toy Story?


Boyd-slash-Harrelson. ("Kellykellykellykelly...")
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:22 AM on February 10


The orc slaps Boromir for 9 damage!

That orc must have been wearing a +7 Feathered Hat Of PimpSlapping to deal nearly as much damage as driving a dagger into someone's skull.
posted by CKmtl at 10:40 AM on February 10


This codebase should, more properly, be used to simulate Boromir performing a complex Georgian-era society dance with the orcs.
posted by aramaic at 10:40 AM on February 10


Different edition, but the journeys of the "Fellowship of the Bling" in Basic D&D are worth a read. With Elrond as their manager in a sort of Bill Lumbergh style sometimes.
posted by Gnatcho at 10:41 AM on February 10


Damn, it took 32 orcs to kill that guy. Have Gandalf magically clone him a few thosand times and he can surely roflstomp the whole Mordor host.
posted by Iosephus at 11:02 AM on February 10


Kinda reminiscent of Dwarf Fortress combat reports.

Boromir attacks the Orc but he jumps away!
The Orc charges at Boromir!
Boromir hits the Orc in the left shoulder with his ¤longsword¤, tearing through the (leather armor) and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Orc looks surprised by the ferocity of Boromir's onslaught!
The Orc is knocked over and stumbles backwards!
The Orc looks sick!
The Orc misses Boromir!
Boromir hits the Orc in the upper body with his ¤longsword¤, tearing through the (leather armor), tearing apart the muscle!
An artery has been opened by the attack!
The Orc looks even more sick!
Boromir bites the Orc in the left hand, tearing the muscle!
Boromir latches on firmly!
The Orc stands up.
The Orc faints.
The Orc has been struck down.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:07 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]


I thought if you lost more than half your hit points in a single round, you had to roll versus System Shock?
posted by Debaser626 at 11:13 AM on February 10


If there isn't enough realism in this for you I urge you to find a system that is and is also not completely tedious to play. I have gone down that rabbit hole and it isn't pretty.
posted by munchingzombie at 11:40 AM on February 10


This simulator will be handy. Me and my nephew frequently discuss the death of Boromir and this may provide new insight.
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 12:20 PM on February 10


See? This is why he needed the ring.*

The orc and Boromir close in and begin to fight!
> wear ring
Power floods your limbs!
(Boromir: 119/119 HP orc: 34/34 HP)
The orc strikes Boromir for 3 damage!
[...]
Boromir slashes the orc for 8 damage!
Dark voices whisper in your mind.
You have lost experience! You have lost a level!
> remove ring
You feel heaviness wash over you.
(Boromir: 110/110 HP orc: 12/34 HP)
The orc slaps Boromir for 7 damage!
[...]
Boromir drives his longsword into the orc's spine for 11 damage!
The orc has been killed!
You have gained experience! Congratulations on reaching level 17!
An orc wielding a longsword approaches!
The orc and Boromir close in and begin to fight!
(Boromir: 119/119 HP orc: 34/34 HP)


* Apparently this reasonably common D&D house rule is stolen from Diablo - but I could have sworn Angband and a handful of other roguelikes do it too.
posted by curious.jp at 3:20 PM on February 10


does anyone remember some flash game from maybe 10-15 years ago that somehow involved archery?

BowMaster Prelude?
posted by Robin Kestrel at 3:27 PM on February 10


Flunkie is correct, hit points are more of an abstraction that takes into account physical wounds, fatigue, skill in avoiding wounds and enemy anticipation of that skill, and how much you've pushed your luck to that point. That is why, in old school D&D, your ability doesn't decrease as you take damage -- for the most part, physical wounds are only really taken when you get down to the last few hit points.

Of course, the rules for magic damage, traps and healing obscure this, it's not entirely self-consistent. But it's how the 1E DM's Guide described it. I could look for the precise page if you wanted.
posted by JHarris at 4:20 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]


I was expecting at least a few black feathered arrows.

orc 34 fires an arrow and hits boromir in the chest for 3 hit points
orc 51 fires an arrow and hits boromir in the chest for 3 hit points
orc 45 fires an arrow and hits boromir in the knee for 2 hit points

boromir staggers around and cusses, swinging his greatsword as the orcs run away

orc 14 fires an arrow and hits boromir in the back for 7 hit points

boromir yells and calls the orc a cowardly ratfucker

orc 14 laughs

orc 17 fires an arrow and misses

etc etc etc

didn't the guy who wrote this READ tolkien?
posted by pyramid termite at 4:33 PM on February 10


This makes it all rather quicker. In Python 2.7:
import random

def fightstrength(level):
    return level ** (2.4 + ((random.random()-0.5)/8))

def fight(level1=1, level2=1):
	return fightstrength(level1)/fightstrength(level2)
The first parameter is the level of Boromir, the second of the orcs. The return value is about how many orcs Boromir can kill before going wherever mortal man goes in Tolkien's world 'cause it sure ain't the Halls of Mandos.
>>> fight(15,4)
21.117792944352374
>>> fight(15,4)
23.026519153461425
>>> fight(15,4)
22.0141304906726
>>> fight(15,4)
22.510508035400875
>>> fight(15,4)
24.984492664263758
>>> fight(15,4)
26.087051517924934
>>> fight(15,4)
24.42525971755691

posted by JHarris at 4:37 PM on February 10


(Yeah, it's not precisely accurate. But it beats rolling dice for half an hour.)
posted by JHarris at 4:38 PM on February 10


'ratfucker' sounds better in Elvish.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:49 PM on February 10


Everything sounds better in Elvish.
posted by homunculus at 11:43 PM on February 10


I dunno. "Nârîr" or "nyarro miqula" kinda don't do it for me, but maybe that's because as far as I know there isn't a legitimate Elvish word for "fuck."
posted by ob1quixote at 1:55 AM on February 11


That's because elves bud and rhizome.
posted by plinth at 3:54 AM on February 11 [1 favorite]




This would go a lot faster in MERP.

You're one of those people who memorized the crit tables, aren't you?

For some reason (probably the leisurely pace) I was reminded of shooting orcs as Legolas in the Konami Riders of Rohan game. I always wondered if there was an earlier game in that series where you could re-enact Boromir's death by dueling some insane number of orcs.
posted by mstokes650 at 7:52 AM on February 11


Everybody misses Boromir.

Every once in a while, it'll pop into my head to shake a tiny invisible fist at the stupid, stupid, casting director who made the decision to NOT cast Sean Bean in a double role as Boromir and Faramir in the movies.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:13 AM on February 11


For some reason (probably the leisurely pace) I was reminded of shooting orcs as Legolas in the Konami Riders of Rohan game.

Are we doing that thing where we're making up video games again?
posted by JHarris at 1:09 PM on February 11


Every once in a while, it'll pop into my head to shake a tiny invisible fist at the stupid, stupid, casting director who made the decision to NOT cast Sean Bean in a double role as Boromir and Faramir in the movies.

I love Sean Bean, and I am of the deep opinion that his death scene as Boromir transcends the original written one by Tolkien.

That being said, Faramir and Boromir are vastly different people in the story; IMO casting the same actor for both roles would've been a mistake. Faramir needs to be different from Boromir in multiple respects, and physical appearance and mannerisms helps with that on the screen.
posted by nubs at 3:26 PM on February 11


as far as I know there isn't a legitimate Elvish word for "fuck."

that's like expecting a legitimate hobbit word for "diet"
posted by pyramid termite at 4:38 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]


Are we doing that thing where we're making up video games again?

Nope!
posted by mstokes650 at 12:43 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]


Wow, published by Konami and Mirrorsoft. I wonder how much of that Konami contributed. I had been picturing an arcade light gun game like Sunset Riders.

There are a lot of weird little computer ports of arcade games around that time, including Commodore 64 versions of Metal Gear, Castlevania, Life Force (actually not too bad, that) and Bionic Commando. First I've ever heard of an original Tolkien game made by Konami and Mirrorsoft though. Nice find!
posted by JHarris at 1:06 PM on February 12



does anyone remember some flash game from maybe 10-15 years ago that somehow involved archery?

BowMaster Prelude?


No, wait, it was Bowman2 that had the satisfying "thunk" sound.
posted by Robin Kestrel at 11:47 PM on February 15


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