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M&M’s Grossest Flavors of All Time
February 20, 2014 1:50 PM   Subscribe


 
Oh, man, those coconut ones. I love Mounds, but the M&M version was just execrable. There's just no excuse.
posted by Etrigan at 1:52 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


I have to hang my head in shame because I kinda liked the coconut ones even if they tasted like old coconut rum.
posted by drewbage1847 at 1:54 PM on February 20 [13 favorites]


I had no idea M&Ms came in any flavor other than shitty chocolate. Carrot cake. who knew?
posted by Nelson at 1:55 PM on February 20 [11 favorites]


Huh... the ones they list which I've had I've liked, and the others sound pretty enticing. I mean, in a if I was still eating M&Ms kind of way.
posted by kmz at 1:55 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I've always taken my life-long hatred of every variety of M&M as the foremost evidence of my alien parentage.
posted by invitapriore at 1:55 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Huh. These flavors are so gross they are blocked at my office.
posted by trip and a half at 1:56 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


I liked the coconut ones, and I would like to try some candy corn ones and cherry cordial ones. Once.
posted by deezil at 1:56 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


I kind of want to get custom-printed M&Ms for my next party though.

I mean, not with my face.
posted by joannemerriam at 1:57 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


White Chocolate Carrot Cake M&M’s: Okay, I can kinda see that

Coconut M&M’s: Ooooooooh. That sounds good

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s: WTF were they smoking when they came up with that one?

Cherry Cordial M&M’s: NOPE NOPE NOPE YE GODS NO

White Chocolate Candy Corn M&M’s: EVEN THE RED M&M ON THE BAG THINKS THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA

Pumpkin Spice M&M’s: "Here Timmy, have some M&M's! Wait, why is Timmy crying?"
posted by zarq at 1:58 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


The author is welcome to send their unwanted cherry cordials my way.

(The confection, not the M&M approximation.)
posted by Iridic at 1:59 PM on February 20 [15 favorites]


Basically, we’re just saying that if you have a friend that walks up to you munching on coconut flavored M&M’s, we’re so sorry but nothing of them remains in that fleshy husk, you need to flee town immediately.

This is not true. I and many of my perfectly normal hu-man friends enjoy the taste of the coconut M and M candies. There is nothing to be afraid of. Have some.
posted by The Bellman at 1:59 PM on February 20 [45 favorites]


The candy corn ones have some of the same awful/addictive appeal as real candy corn.
posted by Jeanne at 1:59 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Next to the coconut, what part of every box of chocolate gets thrown out more than cherry cordials?

Nothing in my life experience growing up has prepared me for this. If this is true, I feel like my family is the Phelps clan and I just discovered for the first time that gay people don't have horns.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:00 PM on February 20 [30 favorites]


On not preview, what Iridic said.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:00 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I got the candy corn ones because I JUST HAD TO TRY THEM and shoved a handful in my mouth then blurted "I've made a huge mistake" in the saddest possible voice, or so my wife tells me but her inability to stop laughing may not make her a neutral party.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:01 PM on February 20 [80 favorites]


Also, I think your advertising team has taken a wrong turn when you are pre-empting awful Halloween costumes with your package design. The world was really not in need of a sexy M&M mascot.
posted by invitapriore at 2:01 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


I've always taken my life-long hatred of every variety of M&M as the foremost evidence of my alien parentage.

You must really like Reese's Pieces, then?
posted by XMLicious at 2:01 PM on February 20 [14 favorites]


Do they make them in Smarties flavour?
posted by pipeski at 2:02 PM on February 20 [19 favorites]


So, then, none of these were meant to be used as suppositories?

Ha!

I knew that.
posted by metagnathous at 2:02 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I have to hang my head in shame because I kinda liked the coconut ones mostly because they tasted like old coconut rum.

Even the artwork for Strawberried Peanut Butter couldn't be worse, they actually look like straight up peanuts in feces. And that is just not the imagery you want to be bringing to the table when marketing your peanut related product.
posted by mediocre at 2:02 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I got a package of the cherry cordial M+Ms in my stocking one year. My comment to my wife, upon trying them, "Couldn't find coal at the last minute?"
posted by COD at 2:05 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]


This author is trying ever so hard to make it sound like the flavors of strawberry and peanut butter would be just awful together, but the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had for lunch is pretty strong evidence to the contrary.
posted by darksasami at 2:05 PM on February 20 [34 favorites]


Has the blogger actually tried any of these? I really liked the coconut ones, and I had a coworker who bought out a few stores. I haven't tried any others, but I regret that I missed out on the carrot cake one.
posted by payoto at 2:05 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Yeah, I really don't understand the shock about strawberry + PB.
posted by kmz at 2:06 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


This author is trying ever so hard to make it sound like the flavors of strawberry and peanut butter would be just awful together, but the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had for lunch is pretty strong evidence to the contrary.

OK, sure, yes, but a PBJ has peanuts and fruit in it. Whatever the hell chemical is in the "Strawberried* Peanut Butter" M&Ms is clearly not related to either of those things.

*I bet this is along the same "truth in advertising" principle that allows things containing no real chocolate to be described as "chocolatey."
posted by psoas at 2:08 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


Whenever I open a bag, I only find W & W's.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:09 PM on February 20 [7 favorites]


"white chocolate sacrilegiously altered to taste like waxed sugar cane sap."

Oh come on, there isn't any white chocolate that doesn't taste like waxed sugar cane sap. That shit is nasty in candy form, and only appropriate in unsweetened form as cocoa butter hand lotion.

I think the real take-home point in this article is that one should pay attention to the expressions on the M&M mascots' faces before purchasing. If they look angry, uncomfortable, or judgey, steer clear of the flavor.
posted by asperity at 2:10 PM on February 20 [20 favorites]


Ever go to M&M's World? There's one in Las Vegas. It has four floors of M&M products and memorabilia. Four floors.
posted by Melismata at 2:11 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]


I have tried the pumpkin. They are mildly weird - as if someone covered my M&Ms in nutmeg. Which isn't really what I want in my candy. But at least it's better than Adashim.
posted by Sophie1 at 2:11 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Oh candy corn, dear dear candy corn, simply nothing makes me as nauseous at the mere mention of it's name like you.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 2:11 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Sure, I'll buy that maybe they were actually gross, psoas, but that's not at all what the author says.

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s
We know what you’re thinking. "Oh God, that’s a disgusting combination. That sounds just foul. That has offended me in ways I didn’t know I could be offended..."

posted by darksasami at 2:12 PM on February 20


Oh come on, there isn't any white chocolate that doesn't taste like waxed sugar cane sap.

white chocolate : chocolate :: smooth jazz : jazz
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:12 PM on February 20 [29 favorites]


The candy corn ones have some of the same awful/addictive appeal as real candy corn.

So none, then?
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:13 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Anyway, all this article really did is remind me that I still kind of want to try some Japanese Kit Kat flavors.
posted by darksasami at 2:15 PM on February 20 [14 favorites]


This author must be soft as a marshmallow peep to be so intimidated by all of these normal ass flavors. Carrot cake? Coconut? Candy Corn? This is not exactly the yawning mouth of the freezing abyss, especially when there are highly nasty breeds of candy hellscapes out there in them dark city streets that won't even pretend to be your friend.
posted by SharkParty at 2:25 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


OK, sure, yes, but a PBJ has peanuts and fruit in it.

Only the organic varieties. Maybe.

The coconut and cherry cordial flavors were ok lowest common denominator chocolate, made at the cheapest price possible for a mass produced and overpriced shelf item with extreme longevity. But nothing to write home about.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:27 PM on February 20


Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s
We know what you’re thinking. "Oh God, that’s a disgusting combination. That sounds just foul. That has offended me in ways I didn’t know I could be offended..."


Apparently they don't know what I'm thinking because that one sounded like a Peanut Butter and (strawberry) Jelly combo plus chocolate, which actually sounds worth a try to me.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 2:28 PM on February 20


liquorish

...is a wonderful spelling attempt, but it already means "lecherous."
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 2:28 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


In 1941, Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder Frank C. Mars, patented a process for tempering a hard shell of chocolate around chocolate pellets in order to prevent the candies from melting stole an idea and stamped an "m" on it.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:28 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]


The worst M&M flavors:

- Ape Pain
- Durian Razor
- Wizard Lymph
- Fart (actual hot farts from Henry Kissinger - $ THESE ARE COLLECTIBLE NOW $)
- Water With A Fingernail Floating In It
- Boar Bristle
- Roasted Red Pepper That Wriggles And Whispers
- Literally A Ball Of Antimatter
- A Hydrogen Bomb With The Word "CANDY" Stenciled On The Side
- Your Own Head, Covered In Chocolate, That You Are Somehow Tricked Into Eating, Through A Nightmare Made Of Equal Parts Escher And Cronenberg
- Coconut
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:29 PM on February 20 [150 favorites]


The coconut M&Ms did not sound terribly offensive, but then, I rather like Mounds and Almond Joy.

I'm a fan of the pretzel M&Ms, myself.
posted by thomas j wise at 2:30 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


Why do they make this crap when they should be making nothing but dark chocolate almond? (I'll also accept dark chocolate peanut)

Their raspberry flavor is also disgusting.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:30 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Never eat or drink anything flavored as "pumpkin spice". Especially not a drink. Especially especially not an alcoholic drink.
posted by echo target at 2:34 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


dances_with_sneetches: "Whenever I open a bag, I only find W & W's."

Brian, there's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says, "oooooooo."

Peter, those are Cheerios.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:36 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]


Are there any M&M knockoffs made with better quality milk chocolate? Like, some magical European version of M&Ms that actually taste of chocolate? I like M&Ms just fine for the nostalgia value, but nowadays if I'm going to indulge in chocolate, it's going to be good chocolate. (Except for Reeses cups. Those are my exception. I know there are far better peanut butter cup options out there, but sometimes you just want Reeses.)
posted by yasaman at 2:36 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]


In 1941, Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder Frank C. Mars, stole an idea and stamped an "m" on it.

Ironic that the ones called "Smarties" weren't the ones to figure out they needed a US Patent and grew their business into a global multinational.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 2:37 PM on February 20


I was partial the the gingerbread flavored M7M's that were out this past Christmas but that's about it in terms of "wild & crazy" M&M flavors.

Know what needs to be brought back, though? Mint Kit Kats.
posted by KingEdRa at 2:39 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Apparently they don't know what I'm thinking because that one sounded like a Peanut Butter and (strawberry) Jelly combo plus chocolate, which actually sounds worth a try to me.

Pssst. Don't noise this around, The 10th Regiment of Foot, but have I got a sure-fire tip for you!
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:40 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


they actually look like straight up peanuts in feces

Originally they were, but they got sued by Feces Pieces.
posted by yoink at 2:43 PM on February 20 [24 favorites]


Ironic that the ones called "Smarties" weren't the ones to figure out they needed a US Patent and grew their business into a global multinational.

Since the buyout of Rowntree's in 1988, Smarties are made by Nestlé. Nestlé is a good three times bigger than Mars, Inc., makers of M&M's.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:43 PM on February 20


yasaman, I think you're looking for Smarties.
posted by darksasami at 2:44 PM on February 20


The strawberried-peanut butter and the candy corn ones were actually kinda tasty, I thought.
posted by jonmc at 2:44 PM on February 20


The coconut ones were awesome, but the pumpkin spice ones went right into the trash.
posted by Big_B at 2:44 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I really love how the on the package of Candy Corn ones, the red M&M just looks sad and unhappy inside the candy-corn shell thingy.

Even he knows it's a terrible idea that will only come back to haunt him later.
posted by Kadin2048 at 2:44 PM on February 20


> The world was really not in need of a sexy M&M mascot.

That's bad, but not as bad as the commercials with human women who clearly want to have sex with an M&M.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:46 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]


Also, M&Ms are coated in shellac - which is extruded from the rear end of the lac bug, a type of scale insect.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:47 PM on February 20


As bad as those M&M flavors might be, they can not be as bad as the writing in that piece.
posted by Splunge at 2:51 PM on February 20 [10 favorites]


I still mourn the discontinuation of Crispy M&Ms.
posted by Kitteh at 2:52 PM on February 20 [19 favorites]


yasaman, I think you're looking for Smarties.

No, I don't think you are.

I compared them over Hallowe'en, and found M&M's to be slightly superior, if only because Smarties are more flat, which translates into a more even candy:chocolate ratio and an overall more candy-like experience. (The quality of chocolate is about even, since both Mars and Nestlé lie about halfway between the "waxed crap" of Hershey and the fatty goodness of Cadbury.)
posted by Sys Rq at 2:52 PM on February 20


I've had the white chocolate candy corn M&Ms. They tasted a hell of a lot better than candy corn.

What really strikes me about this is that the authors seem to be condemning these flavors based just the idea of the flavors. But I know from experience that the one that sounds worst to me (the White Chocolate Candy Corn) was actually a distinct improvement on its inspiration.
posted by lodurr at 2:53 PM on February 20


Here's a taste test of Candy Corn M&Ms (from 2:30) by Lindy West of Jezebel. With this bonus observation.

The best crisp-shelled chocolate (and the only mainstream gluten-free one) is the Mini Egg.
posted by ambrosen at 2:55 PM on February 20 [10 favorites]


Are there any M&M knockoffs made with better quality milk chocolate?

In the UK there are Minstrels, which are flatter and wider than M&Ms but essentially milk chocolate in crispy shells. They are very mass produced low end but more chocolatey then the M&Ms sold in the UK.

Along similar lines there are Revels, which are a mix of six kinds of chocolate coated sweet (plain milk chocolate similar to but less crunchy than a minstrel, chewy, orangey, coconut, maltesers (sort of honeycomb) and raisin (replacing peanut, to avoid the anaphylactic Russian roulette hinted at in their adverts)). The advantage with these is that when you get to the last one you can say 'Our Revels now are ended', if you don't mind sounding like a chocolate stuffed ballbag.
posted by biffa at 2:55 PM on February 20 [16 favorites]


The candy corn ones weren't really all that bad. I mean, they were arguably better than actual candy corn.

Anyway, all this article really did is remind me that I still kind of want to try some Japanese Kit Kat flavors.

I keep debating ordering the Passionfruit Kit Kats on Amazon.
posted by maryr at 2:56 PM on February 20


BTW, I can affirm that the Candy Corn Oreos are truly awful. As are Sherbert Oreos.
posted by maryr at 2:58 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


I no longer fear coconut M&Ms, for I have eaten licorice Skittles.
posted by yellowbinder at 2:58 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


the candycorn oreos truly are a travesty, yes. oreo blondies aren't half bad, though.

but the trader joes oreo knockoff blows them both out of the water.
posted by lodurr at 2:59 PM on February 20


The Whole Foods Candy Cane oreos were pretty fantastic.
posted by maryr at 3:01 PM on February 20


Roasted Red Pepper That Wriggles And Whispers

Helooooo sock puppet.
posted by The Bellman at 3:02 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


oreo blondies aren't half bad, though.

They aren't. (If any Canadians miss "real" Girl Guide cookies -- 'cause seriously, fuck this newfangled "thin mint" bullshit -- they make a good substitute.)
posted by Sys Rq at 3:02 PM on February 20


I had no idea there was anything but plain and peanut.
posted by octothorpe at 3:03 PM on February 20


i actually love candy corn even though i know they are objectively gross and horrible (a weird nostalgia thing?) and buy a bag of them every halloween. but the candy corn oreos are not good. not good at all.

also gross (though my boyfriend will eat them, but only if there are no other cookies in the house): the cookie dough oreos. there's just... no point.

double stuf or go home.
posted by misskaz at 3:03 PM on February 20


Maybe Smarties went way downhill with the Nestlé buyout. I'm used to Smarties being one of those things the rest of the English-speaking world likes to hold over American heads.
posted by darksasami at 3:07 PM on February 20


The "Live Bees" flavored M&Ms were pretty disastrous, IIRC.
posted by indubitable at 3:12 PM on February 20 [7 favorites]


At first I misread that as "Gossett M&M flavors" and I thought "I don't want to know what Lou Gossett Jr. tastes like and I sure as fuck don't want an M&M that tastes like the drill sergeant from An Officer and a Gentleman."
posted by MikeMc at 3:12 PM on February 20 [8 favorites]


squeak.
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:15 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


These are no worse than the pesto-flavored Life Savers from the early 1990's, pale yellow riddled with those little green flecks of artificial basil.
posted by Pudhoho at 3:27 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


I, too, loved the Crispy M&Ms! They were like Krakle bar bites.

The only variation on a sweet that I liked better than the original was the inside-out Oreos. They were vanilla cookies with a chocolate center. I could literally eat an entire sleeve.
posted by MoxieProxy at 3:33 PM on February 20


A few years back there were dulce de leche Oreos which were fucking awesome.
posted by jonmc at 3:41 PM on February 20


They should try making some chocolate flavored M&Ms.
posted by jamjam at 3:41 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


The coconut ones are good, though only in that Mounds/Bounty/so-processed-it's-not-really-coconut kinda way. They taste only slightly more like coconut than banana Laffy Taffy tastes like banana.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:51 PM on February 20


In a former life, I had a co-worker who'd spent a year teaching English in Japan.

Her desk was a very popular place to hang out when her former students would send their regular care packages of Pocky and oddly-flavoured KitKats. The banana ones were surprisingly nice.

M&Ms come in three varieties, in ascending order of goodness: peanut, plain, peanut butter.

All else is an abomination.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:13 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


"...but then, I rather like Mounds and Almond Joy."

Fuckin-A. I love good European chocolate. I don't like American chocolate or candy bars. But I love Mounds and Almond Joy. But I really like coconut.

Coconut seems to be one of those polarizing flavors.

And, yeah, Smarties/M&M-style candies but with quality chocolate ... that's a great idea. Someone needs to get on that.

Oh, also? I am a chocolate snob and I really like white chocolate. What's wrong with you people? (No actual judgment there. Probably.)

"A few years back there were dulce de leche Oreos which were fucking awesome."

Really? That sounds especially fucking awesome.

A while ago I went a little overboard and bought four different flavors of 12oz tins of Schokinag drinking chocolate (Extreme Dark Chocolate, Dulce de Leche, Triple Chocolate, Chocolate Mint, if you must know) and the Dulce de Leche turned out to be my favorite. I used up the whole tin before I made a dent in the others.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:17 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Coconut M&Ms are delicious. The author is obviously broken.
posted by MrBobaFett at 4:23 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: A Nightmare Made Of Equal Parts Escher And Cronenberg
posted by Danf at 4:25 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


Hey KingEdRa, I just saw some mint KitKats in a candy store here in Canada. It was in the section where they keep the U.S and U.K. chocolate bars, so there is a chance they are available where you are.

Despite my username, I was there for the Pop Rocks.
posted by fundip at 4:28 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Costco was selling supposedly "natural gourmet" M&M knockoffs, but they were super disappointing.
posted by 1adam12 at 4:32 PM on February 20


Anything pumpkin spice tastes to me like licking a scented candle.
posted by HeroZero at 4:41 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


I'm not afraid to say I fucking love the coconut m&m's. They don't taste exactly right when you first experience them but I still love them. GO TEAM COCONUT!
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 4:41 PM on February 20


Whenever I open a bag, I only find W & W's.

You must be getting ones that were supposed to go to the other hemisphere.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:47 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


I had the strawberry peanut butter ones. I may have mis-purchased them. I can safely say, however, that there's not enough weed in the world to make them appealing.

Also, BRING BACK THE CRUNCHY ONES NOT THE PRETZEL ONES BUT THE CRUNCHY ONES I COULD EAT A POUND OF THEM IN ONE SITTING

on second thought KEEP THE CRUNCHY ONES FAR AWAY THEN THANKS

posted by Spatch at 4:50 PM on February 20


Two of my friends have serious food allergies: One of them to peanuts, and the other one to strawberries. I used to brag that I could murder them both with a PB&J sandwich. Now all I need is a single M&M...
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:04 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I buy those cherry cordial ones by the SHELF-FULL at Christmas -- I routinely clean out the grocery store -- and I make oatmeal cookies with cherry cordial M&Ms. They are DELICIOUS. The M&Ms by themselves are meh, but the taste set against an oatmeal cookie is JUST RIGHT. People get very excited about them when I give them as Christmas gifts, and then sad when they find out the M&Ms are seasonal and they're out of luck this year for making their own.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:06 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


Crispy M&M's were the best kind. I still attempt to look for them whenever I see a limited edition flavor on sale because I keep hoping they'll bring them back. That, and Pepsi Holiday Spice.

People don't like cherry cordials? I almost bought the Cherry Cordial M&M's when they first started selling them [again?] last year but I wasn't about to pay $6 for a bag of M&M's after the god-awful White Chocolate Candy Corn flavor (two things I happen to enjoy, but not together or in M&M form).

(Coconut M&M's are pretty good, too).
posted by Redfield at 5:07 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Actually, I have to admit that I love the idea of those cherry cordials more than I like the reality of them. Cherry is one of my favorite flavors, I have a serious weakness for anything with cherries or cherry-flavoring, and of course I love chocolate. So cherry cordials never fail to entice me, and then upon eating one I'm always sort of disappointed.

Nevertheless, I will fall for chocolate+cherry EVERY TIME. So, yeah, I'd eat those M&Ms.

Also: B&J's Cherry Garcia DOES NOT DISAPPOINT ME.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:10 PM on February 20


Redfield: "I almost bought the Cherry Cordial M&M's when they first started selling them [again?] last year but I wasn't about to pay $6 for a bag of M&M's "

They're not very good as M&Ms, they have a very cloying flavor (which is offset nicely when you put them in oatmeal cookies), but it turns out if you buy them at half-price the last week of December, they still taste basically the same the next November.

Just in case, uh, they're worth $3/bag to you. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:11 PM on February 20


Who doesn't like cherry cordials? They are freaking delicious. I haven't tried the M&M version, but actual cherry cordials are the best.

On the other hand, pretzel M&Ms are horrible. As a basic combination, pretzel and chocolate is a sound choice. But the ratio of chocolate to pretzel is completely off, and the texture of the pretzel itself is creepy and wrong. It's all crumbly inside and no crunchy outside, and what is the point of a pretzel without the crunchy outside? Also, possibly by reason of lack of crunchy outside, they are not salty enough. Finally, the candy shell is bringing nothing to the party.

Pretzel M&Ms, ptui.
posted by BrashTech at 5:12 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


These don't sound that bad; I was expecting to see pizza-flavored M&Ms, or spinach, or habanero, or something.


Oh candy corn, dear dear candy corn, simply nothing makes me as nauseous at the mere mention of it's name like you.

I bet you never had any Necco Wafers. Too late now...
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:13 PM on February 20


Oh, God - I was wrong. They're still making Necco Wafers. I thought they'd been banned as cruel and unusual punishment.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:16 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]


"I was expecting to see pizza-flavored M&Ms..."

I'd love an M&M-shaped pizza snack. You know, without the chocolate or sweetened coating. Maybe a crunchy salty coating, with a pepperoni and cheese flavored interior.

Maybe I'm just sort of hungry. *wanders off in search of snacks*
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:17 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Also, the Chinese have some very ... unusual candies. Perhaps you'd enjoy some "machinery mouth freshener fresh strips."
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:20 PM on February 20


I wanted to love the mint ones, but I could never get over the sickly aftertaste. You can just feel the oily "mint" coating sloughing in your mouth...and that doesn't really go away.
posted by T.D. Strange at 5:24 PM on February 20


I never liked spring surprise. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.
posted by jenkinsEar at 5:44 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Maybe a crunchy salty coating, with a pepperoni and cheese flavored interior.

Here you go.
posted by Kadin2048 at 5:52 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


For the sake of our waistlines and sugar levels, my wife and I have determined that we need to keep the pretzel M&Ms out of the house.
posted by lodurr at 5:56 PM on February 20


I'd love an M&M-shaped pizza snack. You know, without the chocolate or sweetened coating. Maybe a crunchy salty coating, with a pepperoni and cheese flavored interior.

Combos! (Yes, they're Snausages for people.) They're not really M&M shaped, but they are made by the same company.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:10 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]


Also, M&Ms are coated in shellac - which is extruded from the rear end of the lac bug, a type of scale insect.

And just wait until you hear where this so called 'milk' comes from. Spoiler - cow titties. That's right, the same beast we use to make leather shoes from. MADNESS AND/OR SPARTA
posted by FatherDagon at 6:21 PM on February 20 [16 favorites]


I no longer fear coconut M&Ms, for I have eaten licorice Skittles.

I am stoked to hear about this. Where can you buy these?
posted by vogon_poet at 6:23 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Necco Wafers aren't bad. The tropical pack has banana! Speaking of bananas and divisive candy: Circus Peanuts are pretty good, too, if you limit yourself to like, three.

Black liquorish, though, is repulsive. And Red Vines. I stay away from traditional jelly beans, too. They like to trick you by sometimes making the black liquorish flavor purple.

Do people like Big Cherries? Those are magnificent, but they don't seem to be all that common.

Eyebrows McGee: I could have purchased them for less, since I had a 20% discount, but every time I would bring them to the register, somebody would comment on them, and I'd be like, "Yeah, you're right," and I'd just grab two boxes of the actual cherry cordials that were on the shelf above the M&M's.
posted by Redfield at 6:28 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


And just wait until you hear where this so called 'milk' comes from. Spoiler - cow titties.

Most water and organic molecules have been pissed out or shat out by something at some point in history. That's why I'm in favor of space exploration - I'm looking forward to buying exhorbitantly-priced bottled comet water that has touched no orifice of man or beast and artisanal free-range asteroid farm lichen.

The fish pee and shit in the water they breathe... think about it... JUST THINK ABOUT IT
posted by XMLicious at 6:30 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


I'm surprised M&Ms haven't yet fallen prey to the fucking disgusting vomitous salted caramel pandemic.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:31 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I am stoked to hear about this. Where can you buy these?

Sadly you'll need a time machine and plane ticket to Germany, 2001. Once there, thrill to such flavours as:

Black Liquorice (black)
Liquorice Aniseed (green)
Liquorice Mint (white)
Liquorice Spice (red)
Liquorice Vanilla (orange)
posted by yellowbinder at 6:54 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


No salted caramel, but the Wizard Lymph mentioned above *is* surprisingly available, albeit in *extremely* limited edition.
posted by jeremias at 6:54 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


I'm surprised M&Ms haven't yet fallen prey to the fucking disgusting vomitous salted caramel pandemic.

How do you feel about dulce de leche* as a form of um, salted caramel, FelliniBlank?

*Note: sadly, everyone else seems to agree with FelliniBlank. But whatever, world: I know the truth. Dulce de leche M&Ms were the best.
posted by librarylis at 7:04 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


By my calculations a heaping fistful of M&M's (Nomonoms) should take about 0.05 seconds to proceed from your mouth and travel directly down your neck. It doesn't matter what flavour they are, if you're tasting them at some point between the bag and your stomach, you are eating Nomonoms wrong.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:26 PM on February 20


Along similar lines there are Revels, which are a mix of six kinds of chocolate coated sweet (plain milk chocolate similar to but less crunchy than a minstrel, chewy, orangey, coconut, maltesers (sort of honeycomb) and raisin (replacing peanut, to avoid the anaphylactic Russian roulette yt hinted at in their adverts))

Hmm, I'll have to see if I can get my hands on some, thanks for the recommendation! Though blech, raisins.
posted by yasaman at 7:30 PM on February 20


Necco Wafers aren't bad. The tropical pack has banana!

Banana flavored chalk? ... nah.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:37 PM on February 20


Might I suggest these soon-to-be-bestsellers:

Frito-Lay's Cheetos M&M’s
Taco Bell Beef Chalupa Supreme M&M’s
Captain Dick Stevenson's sourtoe cocktail M&M’s
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 7:57 PM on February 20


I know the truth. Dulce de leche M&Ms were the best.

I remember when these were out in test markets, in the early 2000s. My LiveJournal friends (like I said, early '00s) who lived where they were sold raved about them. I looked for them for months, and they never ever came to my city.

I want to know what asshole decided not to release dulce de leche M&Ms nationwide and then turned around and greenlighted that "strawberried peanut butter" atrocity.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:57 PM on February 20


When I was a young Catholic, and unaware that one's First Communion was supposed to be a Big Thing, thought that hopping on the communion bandwagon ASAP would be a good thing for my soul. I mean, damn, communion was supposed to nourish one's soul, and I was like five whole years old, so having not had communion my whole life meant my soul must've been starving.

Anyway, I saw everyone else going up to get communion at mass and hopped in line. I knew what to expect- the priest would pop you a Necco Wafer, you'd sign the cross and go back to your seat. That's right- God was so awesome that every week he trans-substantiated his flesh into candy. Man, was I surprised when I got up to the front of the line and it turned out the priest was handing out kinda-waxy-seeming bread. Took a while to go back.
posted by Jpfed at 7:59 PM on February 20 [5 favorites]


Forget M&Ms, Maltesers are where it's at.
posted by arcticseal at 8:01 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


Wait, people don't like cherry cordials? I love them! Also, I like candy corn. Mmmmm! Although I never eat M&Ms, because the chocolate is terrible now... except peanut, which are delish.

Last Friday, I had the best cupcake. It was chocolate, with chunky peanut butter frosting, and raspberry jam. OMG it was soooooooo good! Here, if anyone is interested. They have several different varieties of cupcake every day.
posted by annsunny at 8:06 PM on February 20


There are people who don't like Necco Wafers? I mean, sure, the chocolate ones, and clove's mood-dependent, but... people don't hate Canada Mints too, do they?

I miss Canada Mints.
posted by Earthtopus at 8:06 PM on February 20


Are there any M&M knockoffs made with better quality milk chocolate?

There's a company called UNREAL who make higher quality versions of popular candy like Snickers and Reese's cups. Most of them are good but not really in any danger of unseating the kings.

EXCEPT the M&Ms knockoffs, which are so much better tasting than the real thing that you will get angry and depressed knowing the bag is eventually going to be empty.
posted by SharkParty at 8:23 PM on February 20 [1 favorite]


No one has mentioned the birthday cake-flavored M&Ms. The wrapper is a sort of medium blue. Blame CVS for carrying this variety. I tried one...just one. Into the bin went the rest. So sweeeeeet it was more like frosting. The chocolate center had colorful speckles in it. I'm sure my DNA was somehow altered.

But the almond M&Ms? Those were wonderful. They made me a better person, and somewhat wider.
posted by datawrangler at 8:38 PM on February 20 [2 favorites]


Haha, I saw the title and my immediate reaction was FOR SURE THE COCONUT ONES RIGHT, and I was not disappointed.
posted by town of cats at 11:07 PM on February 20


I find the pretzel ones awful.
posted by scottymac at 11:29 PM on February 20


That's because they are.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:32 PM on February 20


RedditGifts has opened signups for a Snacks exchange, hint hint.

(yay gift ideas!)
posted by divabat at 1:07 AM on February 21


Redfield: "Circus Peanuts are pretty good, too, if you limit yourself to like, three."

My revulsion for Circus Peanus is so strong that if you were to throw me naked into a swimming pool full of them, I would hover six inches above the surface, screaming.

Circus Peanuts. *shudder*
posted by namewithoutwords at 5:05 AM on February 21 [9 favorites]


Sadly you'll need a time machine and plane ticket to Germany, 2001

yeah, what is it with licorice and northern european candy? I was in Iceland in 2005 and I bought a candy bar that looked nice*, bit into it, and immediately was at risk of losing a crown to a tar-consistency core of licorice toffee.

I went back to my room and made it my business to learn the word for 'licorice' in all of the languages in which candy was packaged, there (danish, german, swedish and icelandic, and each spelled differently IIRC [though i've blotted it out of my memory]). that's when I learned that you almost couldn't get candy in iceland that wasn't licorice-flavored.
posted by lodurr at 5:38 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


Here in the UK we onlyget chocolate and peanut. Oh, yeah, and your beloved and mourned crispy M&Ms. Bwuahahaha!

So, we get the ones you love, but we can only get the peanut butter ones from american import stores that charge about $3 for a little bag. Want the almond ones? Mortgage your house.

But, while we're discussing chocolate, how come the UK only gets KitKats in chocolate, orange, mint, and coconut when Japan gets flavours that aren't even real flavours? Even the US seems to get more flavours than us, and we invented the bloody things...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 5:47 AM on February 21


how come the UK only gets KitKats in chocolate, orange, mint, and coconut when Japan gets flavours that aren't even real flavours? Even the US seems to get more flavours than us, and we invented the bloody things...

There are flavored KitKats? Seriously? I guess you can mix flavor into anything, but that's a concept I have never in my life considered. Wow.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:21 AM on February 21


*The coconut ones would have been great if they used actual coconut--like mini Mounds.

*Aren't these all just an excercise in reducing the use of increasingly expensive chocolate? As I understand it, all the candy manufacturerers have taken on the challenge of getting us to buy chocolate bars while phasing out chocolate as an ingredient.
posted by sourwookie at 6:36 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


for I have eaten licorice Skittles.

I'd eat the heck out of those
posted by likeatoaster at 7:15 AM on February 21


>> I've always taken my life-long hatred of every variety of M&M as the foremost evidence of my alien parentage.

> You must really like Reese's Pieces, then?


E.T. started out being tempted with M&Ms, but Mars said no to an advertising tie-in deal.

The novelization by William Kotzwinkle still has M&M's and the "m"s on the candy are part of the allure for E.T. Kotzwinkle also wrote the novelization of Superman III and he wrote The Fan Man, which has 3 pages of titular character (a.k.a. Horse Badorties) saying "dorky" on Dorky Day as an anti-ego exercise.
"Dorky dorky dorky dorky dorky dorky dorky" "Hey what's with all this dorky?" "Dorky dorky dorky dorky"
posted by morganw at 7:32 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


As I understand it, all the candy manufacturerers have taken on the challenge of getting us to buy chocolate bars while phasing out chocolate as an ingredient.

I'm convinced that this is why white chocolate exists.
posted by asperity at 7:39 AM on February 21


How do you feel about dulce de leche* as a form of um, salted caramel, FelliniBlank?

Dulce de leche, whether the original pudding/custard, or ice cream flavor, or coffee flavoring, or candy, or what have you, is caramel, not salted caramel. Two different animals entirely.
posted by FelliniBlank at 8:09 AM on February 21


Dulce de leche rocks. Salted caramel is the grossest thing ever.
posted by FelliniBlank at 8:09 AM on February 21


I don't believe in god, but white chocolate makes me believe in the devil.

Also, I know two different kids who played Catholic mass with necco wafers.

At least there's not a salmiak m&m.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:13 AM on February 21


asperity: "As I understand it, all the candy manufacturerers have taken on the challenge of getting us to buy chocolate bars while phasing out chocolate as an ingredient.

I'm convinced that this is why white chocolate exists.
"

White chocolate is just chocolate minus the cocoa butter, so pretty much.
posted by Big_B at 8:20 AM on February 21


Er no. White chocolate is chocolate minus the cocoa. White chocolate is basically pure cocoa butter.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:25 AM on February 21


So, better used as hand lotion. Got it.
posted by asperity at 8:26 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Meh. I quite like white chocolate. I also like super-dark.

I contain multitudes &c
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:28 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


Are there any M&M knockoffs made with better quality milk chocolate? Like, some magical European version of M&Ms that actually taste of chocolate?

Mars tried fancying things up with "M&M Premiums" which I have not tried but this review does not make me optimistic. It sounds like they just used a different sort of bad chocolate, and the lack of a crunchy shell makes them arguably not M&Ms at all. Most of the comments agree:
My dog watched my husband eating a handful of these last night, and actually barked EACH TIME he lifted one to his mouth. I think it was her attempt at a warning.
posted by mikepop at 8:29 AM on February 21 [4 favorites]


Oh yeah whoops. Had that backwards. MORE COFFEE.
posted by Big_B at 8:38 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


The thing about the coconut MnMs is that they are not, as you might think, actual coconut and chocolate in a candy shell. It's chocolate with artificial coconut flavoring mixed through in a candy shell. The texture is the same as plain MnMs just with a chemical coconut flavored aftertaste. So the determining factor of whether you'd like them is not whether you like coconut candies like Bounty or haystacks, but whether you like artificial coconut flavor.
posted by Karmakaze at 9:16 AM on February 21


The problem with the coconut M&Ms was in their wasted potential. Why couldn't they just make tiny, tiny Mounds with a candy shell?
posted by Wordwoman at 9:52 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Wordwoman: "The problem with the coconut M&Ms was in their wasted potential. Why couldn't they just make tiny, tiny Mounds with a candy shell?"

Almond Joy Pieces come slightly closer to that goal, but still don't really manage.
posted by Karmakaze at 10:38 AM on February 21


A lot of these actually sound good to me, but that's just the names, god knows what they're actually made of. Cherry+dark chocolate = best thing ever, PB and Strawberry J = damn good, and pumpkin spice, if it actually tasted like a pumpkin pie, would actually be pretty nice.

All that said I'm perfectly willing to believe these M&M interpretations of the above are complete shite, but this reviewer is a little parochial.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:06 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


The first time I encountered coconut M&Ms was 15 hours into a sleep-deprived road trip, at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, several states away from home. I'd been the passenger for a few hours, and was woozy from silently watching the telephone wires dip and rise as we drove along.

As I walked into the gas station looking for a restroom, I passed a cardboard display case full of coconut M&Ms. They didn't quite register in my mind until I was locked in the bathroom stall. I sat on that toilet for a good 5 minutes thinking, "Coconut M&M's don't exist, so this must be a dream. If I let myself pee, I'll actually be wetting the bed.* But I really have to go, and everything else seems so real, so maybe I am awake. But my memory of the last few hours is pretty hazy, so maybe this is a dream."

I tried to levitate, which is a great way to prove that you're dreaming if it works. Unfortunately it proves nothing when it doesn't work, and in that case it didn't. I even pinched myself a few times, though I tend to doubt the efficacy of that trick. I don't remember whether I eventually convinced myself that I was awake, or if I just decided to go and damn the consequences, but I did finally manage pee.

Back at the car my husband and I decided that we needed some louder music, and that the coconut M&Ms I had purchased were actually kind of ok. I mean, they're nowhere near the holiday miracle that is mint M&Ms, but they were certainly not the abomination that this writer makes them out to be.

* Peeing is like dying, in the sense that if one of them happens in your dream it will happen in real life too. At least that's what I've heard.
posted by vytae at 11:08 AM on February 21 [14 favorites]


I tried to levitate, which is a great way to prove that you're dreaming if it works. Unfortunately it proves nothing when it doesn't work, and in that case it didn't. I even pinched myself a few times, though I tend to doubt the efficacy of that trick.

Count your own fingers. It's a weird little detail that your sleeping mind often gets wrong. Do it two or three times and you'll almost always come up with wrong (and differently wrong) numbers if you're dreaming.
posted by Etrigan at 11:15 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Of late I have been peeing in dreams and waking up to discover I did not IRL. So now I'm wondering if this means I took the blue pill at some point...
posted by lodurr at 11:19 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


So, the author didn’t actually taste any of these, but just wrote a long snarky rant about how the sound like bad flavors? Has the whole world become C-list stand up comics?
posted by bongo_x at 11:49 AM on February 21


MetaFilter: I did finally manage pee
posted by scrump at 7:51 PM on February 21


Man, was I surprised when I got up to the front of the line and it turned out the priest was handing out kinda-waxy-seeming bread.

Communion Wafer Taste Test!
posted by Evilspork at 10:27 PM on February 21


Count your own fingers. It's a weird little detail that your sleeping mind often gets wrong.

Or pick up a book and try to read it! It is quite impossible in dreamland.
posted by Wordwoman at 10:30 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Another great way to tell if you're dreaming: pay your rent. It won't work in a dream! Your landlord will just ask again the next day. What a jerk! You are literally oppressing me because I dare to dream.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:01 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]


I hadn't given this a whole lot of thought before, but the main problem with a bathroom stall (in this kind of situation, anyway) is that contains very few potential reality-testing opportunities. There are no books to read or landlords to pay, no people who look like one person even though you know they're somebody else, almost nothing that you'd want to touch to see if it works as expected. And a road trip is full of almost-but-not-quite-the-same gas station bathroom stalls, much like a dream where you keep finding yourself in the same place. Throw in a weird candy flavor, and it's no wonder I got confused. Right guys? It could happen to anybody, right?

With any luck this'll never happen to me again, but I'm saving that "counting the fingers" tip for future use.
posted by vytae at 8:44 AM on February 22 [3 favorites]


I kind of like the coconut M & Ms.

Kitteh: "I still mourn the discontinuation of Crispy M&Ms."

Me too! I have no idea why these were discontinued, but they need to come back.
posted by SisterHavana at 10:22 AM on February 22


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