An Immodest Proposal
February 27, 2014 6:58 AM   Subscribe

EAT CELEBRITY MEAT: BiteLabs grows meat from celebrity tissue samples and uses it to make artisanal salami. "If it's just a joke—as any half-concious participant in the age of viral marketing ploys and social media hoaxes immediately assumed it to be—then its creators are willing to take it pretty far."
posted by Pater Aletheias (60 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Delany had this exact stunt in Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand in 1984. Prank harder. Somewhere other than my lawn, if you please.
posted by BrashTech at 7:02 AM on February 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


What's the compensation structure? Do the celebrities receive residuals?
posted by sourwookie at 7:04 AM on February 27, 2014


I'll take a pound of Bill Murray and two pounds of George Takei, please.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:04 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


How is this different from Entertainment Tonight?
posted by srboisvert at 7:04 AM on February 27, 2014 [8 favorites]


Huh. I was just doing my normal googling of "kanyesalami" and hit "I'm feeling lucky" and it brought me here. Not what I expected.
posted by mcstayinskool at 7:14 AM on February 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


This is basically the premise of the Brandon Cronenberg movie, Antiviral.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:15 AM on February 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


EAT AT JOE'S
posted by yoink at 7:21 AM on February 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


And yet some wonder why there's fear and mistrust of science these days.

Not helping!
posted by tommasz at 7:22 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Jimmy Dean sausage (I got nothing)
posted by infinitewindow at 7:24 AM on February 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


I tried the Shia LaBeouf but it tasted a lot like the James Franco from a couple of years ago that had gone bad.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:29 AM on February 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


Hufu, anyone?
posted by kmz at 7:30 AM on February 27, 2014


This is the grossest thing I've ever heard.

But then when you think about it, eating meat in general is gross. This just makes it obvious.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:33 AM on February 27, 2014


As a musician, I'm excited about the possibility of meat merch.
posted by frenetic at 7:35 AM on February 27, 2014


Shouldn't we be doing this with the rich instead?
posted by blue_beetle at 7:36 AM on February 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


This is the grossest thing I've ever heard.

Especially since the diets and lifestyles of most celebrities make factory-farmed meat look postively wholesome. With those cows and pigs and chickens, you can take comfort in not knowing where they've been, since they are not allowed to tweet....
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:38 AM on February 27, 2014


Eat the rich
posted by Napierzaza at 7:44 AM on February 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


The potential for actual validity of this idea aside, due to the fact that whenever I read that someone is "Pushing the boundary of x" in a press release/article/blog post/etc. the result is most usually offensive, tasteless, disgusting or stupidly pointless (sometimes all of the above)...

I hereby declare that humanity has reached its full potential for good, and we should all degenerate into anarchist cannibal sociopaths at once. If only to give future generations the ability to push boundaries without being creepy and/or gross.


Just.... ew.
posted by Debaser626 at 7:46 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oh man, I just had a great idea for a Sunday Mass prank.
posted by ODiV at 7:52 AM on February 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


Celebrity meat? I dunno... Are they salty? I don't like salty.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:54 AM on February 27, 2014


"Enjoy the Jimmy buffet, but please, eat what you take!"
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:55 AM on February 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


This is basically the premise of the Brandon Cronenberg movie, Antiviral.

True story: Just in the last week, I caught two of my Facebook friends having a conversation about catching diseases from celebrities. One says he caught a cold from taking a selfie with Karen Gillan at a Doctor Who con, the other is pretty sure she caught the flu last year from a guitar pick thrown by an ailing Joan Jett. Neither of them thought my B. Cronenberg joke was very funny.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:06 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is basically the premise of the Brandon Cronenberg movie, Antiviral.


its on nexflix for anyone who is interested in a gross, hilarious disturbing ride. the only thing that made it feel off for me was just how silly and unlikely it all seemed... AND YET HERE WE ARE.
posted by young_son at 8:27 AM on February 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


So dump a bunch of scabs in the meat mix and have yourself a feast?

There. I just ruined lunch for 80% of this population.
posted by stormpooper at 8:36 AM on February 27, 2014


You mean when Alec Baldwin tells the paparazzi "Bite me," he's just doing some aggressive marketing?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 8:49 AM on February 27, 2014


It's man devouring man, my dear
And who are we to deny it in here?
posted by onlyconnect at 8:50 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Eat the rich.
posted by mazola at 8:54 AM on February 27, 2014


Which I mean to say, bite me.
posted by mazola at 8:54 AM on February 27, 2014


Which I mean to say, I got nothin'...
posted by mazola at 8:55 AM on February 27, 2014


Metafilter: just doing my normal googling of "kanyesalami"
posted by vorpal bunny at 8:59 AM on February 27, 2014


I would love to read the ethical debates that would spring up if something like this were ever seriously proposed. Would eating lab-grown human flesh be considered cannibalism? I don't know of any reason why it would be any different from any other lab-grown meat in terms of safety, and I understand "long pig" is pretty tasty. I don't see an argument besides "ewww" as to why it would be illegal, provided the initial tissue samples were donated voluntarily.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 8:59 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


I once dropped a match into my hand and made a fist to put it out. It hurt like hell but man did it smell good.
posted by ODiV at 9:10 AM on February 27, 2014


Would eating lab-grown human flesh be considered cannibalism

Well, we in the traditional, artisinal cannibal community consider this kind of corporate, Big Science cannibalism to be a mockery of everything we hold dear. Hopefully we'll be able to persuade Congress to act soon on our "Truth in Labeling" initiative that will reserve the cherished USDA "suitable for cannibalism" stamp to genuine human cadavers harvested the old fashioned way.
posted by yoink at 9:11 AM on February 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


Aw, man. For the past two years my bullshit elevator pitch has been along the lines of "hold on to your hats-- three words. Legal. Celebrity. Cannibalism." Now I'm going to have to find a new line. Thanks, Obama.

Still looking forward to that first Beiberburger, though. That and upholstering my Chevy convertible with John Tesh's luxurious hair.
posted by phooky at 9:15 AM on February 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


I still prefer Bonsai kittens.
posted by Berend at 9:29 AM on February 27, 2014


I imagine that Steve Buscemi would be pretty stringy, but who do you think would be the most well-marbled?
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 9:50 AM on February 27, 2014


BTW, it's completely cannibalism, but it's simultaneously far more ethical than any other meat. Man is the only meat that can legally consent. Just try getting Elsie the cow to sign a release form. (And good luck finding a goat lawyer that won't just eat the paperwork.)
posted by phooky at 9:56 AM on February 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


Ugh, I will address this via the novels I've read - this turns my stomach as I'm more than halfway through Margaret Atwood's Maddam and have read the rest of that series, and it is reminiscent of William Gibson's food explanations in the Neuromancer series.

Cannibalism was researched and explored by Mary Doria Russell in The Sparrow series, however, Jane Smiley's Moo indicated that unscrupulous food chains that back into cannibalism can compromise animal and human health.

That is my fiction. Reality can be strange, but, ew...
posted by childofTethys at 10:01 AM on February 27, 2014


who do you think would be the most well-marbled?

For some reason, John Travolta was the first name that came to mind.
posted by valkane at 10:07 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Cannabalism may seem gross, but the yuck factor in this case has no basis in reality. Whereas cannabalism in the wild risks disease transmission, when said meat is produced in a sterile lab that risk is moot. Personally, I don't see how this is any more gross than consuming any other kind of animal flesh. Far less so given that it (a portion of it, at least) wasn't once a living-breathing-sensing-feeling-thinking creature.
posted by tybeet at 10:08 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Is cannabilism legal? Or is it one of those things that you shouldn't have to be told not to?
posted by vorpal bunny at 10:14 AM on February 27, 2014


vorpal bunny: "Is cannabilism legal? Or is it one of those things that you shouldn't have to be told not to?"

Depends how you define cannabalism. Would you classify placenta consumption as cannabalism? What about foreskin? Or semen? Sorites paradox, and all that.
posted by tybeet at 10:29 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


... Now I want to reread Transmetropolitan, where this was totally a background detail. "Long Pig" franchises. Thanks, the Internet.

Also:
True story: Just in the last week, I caught two of my Facebook friends having a conversation about catching diseases from celebrities. One says he caught a cold from taking a selfie with Karen Gillan at a Doctor Who con, the other is pretty sure she caught the flu last year from a guitar pick thrown by an ailing Joan Jett. Neither of them thought my B. Cronenberg joke was very funny.

Cannibalism is one thing, but... what?
posted by mordax at 10:33 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


of course they would be called chicken nuggets, because they had to call it something, and mr. and mrs. middle america aren't ready for people nuggets.
posted by bruce at 10:40 AM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


lady gaga fingers they taste just like lady gaga fingers
posted by entropicamericana at 10:58 AM on February 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


I have eaten
the kanyesalami
that was in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for lunch

Forgive me
it was delicious
so salty
and so bold
posted by tonycpsu at 11:14 AM on February 27, 2014 [7 favorites]


Shouldn't we be doing this with the rich instead?

The rich have amazingly bad taste these days.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:16 AM on February 27, 2014


Here, have another strip of Cumberbacon.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:38 AM on February 27, 2014


Legal Celebrity Cannibalism.

Ah crap. Gotta change the band's name again.
posted by mule98J at 11:39 AM on February 27, 2014


True story: Just in the last week, I caught two of my Facebook friends having a conversation about catching diseases from celebrities. (SNIP)

Cannibalism is one thing, but... what?


If it means anything, I don't think they tried to catch the diseases from the celebs on purpose. But they were kind of semi-bragging about it...
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:44 AM on February 27, 2014


Kevin Bacon bacon, anyone?
posted by youngergirl44 at 12:02 PM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Only if it's the Fiona Applewood smoked kind.
posted by tonycpsu at 12:04 PM on February 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Especially since the diets and lifestyles of most celebrities make factory-farmed meat look postively wholesome.

It would be rather satisfying to eat some of the celebrity PETA shills, and as a bonus, they're usually vegan, which has to be the cannibalistic equivalent to grass or grain fed meat.
posted by NoraReed at 12:06 PM on February 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


I have mammalian cell culture experience. Watch for my competing product, HumanomsTM.
posted by exogenous at 12:08 PM on February 27, 2014


I would just like to thank this thread for the mental image of goat lawyers with half-chewed contracts sticking out of their mouths and slightly distant, thoughtful expressions.
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:02 PM on February 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


Those that respect the lawsocial media hoax and love sausage should watch neither being made. - after Twain
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:15 PM on February 27, 2014


But then when you think about it, eating meat in general is gross.

That's a matter of opinion, and this is coming from an ex-vegan. Meat is just meat. It's muscle, fat, and some other stuff. Some animals eat other animals. Some animals eat plants, which also happen to be alive. Circle of life and all that. Leave it to a human to overthink it and make nutrition 'gross'.
posted by Malice at 7:58 PM on February 27, 2014


Okay, I was scrolling down the front page, as you do, and I posted in the Disney Motorcycle Gang thread that I had officially seen everything. I was wrong. Now — dear, sweet Lord, I can only hope — I've seen everything.
posted by ob1quixote at 8:59 PM on February 27, 2014


If I get a pound of kanye will it be self browning?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:52 AM on February 28, 2014


Better eat up quick, or he'll never let you finish.
posted by forgetful snow at 9:04 AM on February 28, 2014


Beyonce made the best salami OF ALL TIME
posted by knownassociate at 4:38 PM on February 28, 2014 [1 favorite]


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