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March 5, 2014 4:51 PM   Subscribe

Watch porn search terms appear on your screen LIVE, in REAL TIME. So relaxing. By @thomas_violence
posted by Greg Nog (216 comments total) 56 users marked this as a favorite

 
That is soothing.
posted by vrakatar at 4:53 PM on March 5


"Brazilian hairy"

...
posted by Jimbob at 4:53 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


One of the ones I got was "carpet pee".

I want you all to promise me that even if I beg, NO ONE EVER explain this to me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:54 PM on March 5 [16 favorites]


"billard wingers"

Doesn't that place have cheap drinks on Tuesdays?
posted by sendai sleep master at 4:58 PM on March 5 [6 favorites]


Follows link.

Sees nice hot air balloons.

Sees, in big letters, "rush limbaugh goatse".

Hurriedly closes window. Pretends the last 20 seconds never happened.
posted by Wordshore at 4:58 PM on March 5 [14 favorites]


"Irish pool"???

(closes web browser, douses the walls with gasoline, walks out the door throwing a match behind his head, drives hundreds of miles into the wilderness, crawls into the open mouth of a kodiak bear)
posted by selfnoise at 4:59 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]


Hardcore taters.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:00 PM on March 5 [20 favorites]


"claire"
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:03 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


"Erotic Soft Porn." Now that's almost quaint, isn't it?
posted by koeselitz at 5:06 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Someone please tell me how to set this as my desktop background. It's important.
posted by Golem XIV at 5:07 PM on March 5 [13 favorites]


"Amateur hospital"



The state of health care in this country is ridiculous.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:07 PM on March 5 [42 favorites]


"video gaming"
"travel agent"
"Norway"

Either the algorithm's a bit sloppy or I'm now afraid to google anything.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:08 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


"black grandpa"

WAT
posted by Doleful Creature at 5:08 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Television himself

Is that some sort of infinite regression video camera setup ala Escape from the Planet of the Apes?
posted by juiceCake at 5:08 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Ok, let's see who can have the best reaction to a search term:

"oklahoma"

(boxes up computer, ships it to an address on the other side of the country, buys the house it was shipped too, contract includes the computer sent previously, unpacks the computer, sets it up, screams loudly until head explodes)
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 5:09 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Here's a link to his data feed.
posted by Nelson at 5:10 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"Father with daughter." Yeah, not a desktop background that grows on you. I hope.
posted by valkane at 5:11 PM on March 5


"big turd masturbation"

Is that using a big turd to masturbate, or is it masturbating a big turd?
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 5:12 PM on March 5 [6 favorites]


"oops"
"twink fist"

HAAAAA!

"jerking off to dog"
"oily ass"


eep.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:12 PM on March 5


The fact that this is hosted on an Australian domain is just the deliciously ironic icing on the cake...
posted by theartandsound at 5:13 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


I want you all to promise me that even if I beg, NO ONE EVER explain this to me.

That goes double for "staple on."
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 5:14 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"Fucking Hipster" How did it know?
posted by valkane at 5:14 PM on March 5 [14 favorites]


So many new ideas, it's like Pinterest for porn.
posted by Foam Pants at 5:14 PM on March 5 [17 favorites]


My favorite so far is the simple beauty of lebian [sic].

(Although "hipster facial" is running a close second.)
posted by WidgetAlley at 5:14 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Not sure which is more of an abomination: the concept or that JSON.
posted by zippy at 5:14 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


I want you all to promise me that even if I beg, NO ONE EVER explain this to me.

If you don't see something that you never want explained to you within about two minutes than you are probably just looking at a picture of balloons.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:16 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"Jim DeMint" oh, no, wait, I'm watching the daily show on hulu. Disregard.
posted by valkane at 5:16 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


"quicksand"
posted by pete_22 at 5:17 PM on March 5


Wait, peasants? Peasants!?! Who let Dennis use a computer?
posted by WidgetAlley at 5:17 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"tube hairy"



NOPE
posted by louche mustachio at 5:17 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"3 cocks in one"

I read it in an infomercial voice.
posted by coppermoss at 5:18 PM on March 5 [33 favorites]


The fact that this is hosted on an Australian domain is just the deliciously ironic icing on the cake...


Especially since this is coming to us straight from the Democratic Republic of Nopeistan.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:20 PM on March 5


Whoever's looking for "Salma Hayak" is going to be very disappointed on multiple levels.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 5:20 PM on March 5


There are people interested in eating things that I, previously, did not think one could eat.

That is what I learned today.
posted by tracert at 5:20 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


So many new ideas, it's like Pinterest for porn.

These things never work, though. I saw this and wanted to try it at home, but this is how it turned out.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:22 PM on March 5 [17 favorites]


and just as I was losing faith in humanity ... porn mullet

also a great band name
posted by philip-random at 5:22 PM on March 5 [6 favorites]


mexican nalgonas?
posted by Thorzdad at 5:23 PM on March 5


I love how inexplicably in the middle of things like "shit fart" and "anal toy mirror" and "shemuscle" you suddenly see something like "sweet" or "bunnies" and then it goes on back into "dildo and cock amatira" or "shit orgy restaurant".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:25 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"pension almrausch"?

I've never been to Austria but surely if their B&Bs were sex tourism I'd have heard about it?
posted by gingerest at 5:25 PM on March 5


JURASSIC COCK
VERGIN
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:25 PM on March 5


"wasted abused", "girl fucked by piano" (ouch!), "violent facefuck", "brother grabs sisters tits". Ugh, I'm done.
posted by jokeefe at 5:25 PM on March 5


"gigantic genitalia"

I say, old chap, indeed it is.
posted by griphus at 5:26 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


I looked at this last night and saw a ton of predictably hilarious terms, and then the word "sweetheart." I stared at the screen, lower lip trembling, and then closed the browser window.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:26 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


Had to Google to iranian via Urban Dictionary.
posted by unliteral at 5:26 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Kit Kat Klub?

They know Caberet isn't actually a porno, right?
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:26 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


There are depths of depravity I haven't even begun to consider.
posted by naju at 5:26 PM on March 5


182 cm

Nice to see the metric system in use. As I always say when asked:

"How large is yours?"

"16"

"16 inches!"

"No. Centimetres. I"m Canadian."
posted by juiceCake at 5:26 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"turkish flour"


What aisle is that in at Trader Joe's?
posted by droplet at 5:27 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Now i'm just taking notes.
posted by valkane at 5:27 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Overflow? Is that like when the porn gets so sexy it gets extremely anti-sexy (assuming you have a signed horny level)?
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:27 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"compilation fail"?
posted by gingerest at 5:28 PM on March 5


Man, I wonder what would happen if you fed these into Google Image Search with safe search on and had those pop up.

I'd whip up the JSFiddle or whatever to do it, but I'm aggressively lazy tonight.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:28 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


oh my god i just saw "sarah palin" in the porn search terms

what fresh hell is this

posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:29 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


"Tumbl him" seems like it's on the same DVD as "hipster facial"
posted by WidgetAlley at 5:29 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"lesbian smoking cigarette"

How can you tell?
posted by griphus at 5:30 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


It's a cigarette that smokes lesbians. It does what it says on the tin.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:31 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"queen of england"
"fulfillment"
"sand"
"molluscs young"
"not mom"
"sorry"
posted by drlith at 5:32 PM on March 5


tiffany star foot?
posted by nasayre at 5:33 PM on March 5


Pornmd has a live search list as well. It was linked on reddit a few weeks ago and I wound up hypnotized for a good half hour watching it scroll by.

Of all the entries I saw that day, the one that baffled and delighted me the most was simply "Alex Trebek".
posted by mannequito at 5:33 PM on March 5 [13 favorites]


PornMD is the site this one is scraping.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:34 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Reamax
posted by hal9k at 5:34 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Insane anal reminds me of one of Stephen Colbert's fake drugs in a bit causing "Rectal Hallucinations."
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:35 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


So.... the text is selectable. Like you can highlight it with your cursor and copy it.

It seems like he missed an opportunity to make the links that just automatically take you the results for that term.
posted by oddman at 5:35 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Hanna Montada! What a wonderful phrase.
posted by ursus_comiter at 5:35 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"the two sexes."

I daresay this person will find quite a lot of material on the subject.
posted by saturday_morning at 5:35 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


(checks out PornMD site)

....."Kosovo"?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:35 PM on March 5


annnnd the PornMD, does indeed provide links.
posted by oddman at 5:36 PM on March 5


Can no one spell "Amateur" correctly?
posted by ursus_comiter at 5:38 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


There's a lot there that's pretty disturbing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:38 PM on March 5


propanal

wut
posted by hal9k at 5:38 PM on March 5


http://i.imgur.com/Gnaf6me.png
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:38 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


FYI, this also works on mobile.


Not sure if I don't want anyone looking over my shoulder or if I actually kind of do.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:38 PM on March 5


"jawa sex"
posted by Condroidulations! at 5:39 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


"meta filter ass" ?!!
posted by Wordshore at 5:40 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"southpark"

NO.
posted by yasaman at 5:42 PM on March 5


"man bored by shark"

(Shark continues reading aloud from particle physics textbook)
posted by capricorn at 5:42 PM on March 5 [16 favorites]


"i hate cum"

....Rather an odd thing for a porn search term, eh?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:43 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Wait, even better -

"heidi van horny"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:43 PM on March 5


"dirty pi" 3.1415926535dick97932384626
posted by capricorn at 5:43 PM on March 5 [7 favorites]


"pasta water"
"mermaid conference"
"thrust regular quince me"

"I just made all of these up"
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:44 PM on March 5 [8 favorites]


Why do I get the sense that gradually more and more of us are settling in to just watch that site in fascination?

Oh my god it's like the "food fight" chat room!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:45 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"naked irs collection" - that's some kind of US tax fetish, or something?
posted by Wordshore at 5:46 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"3 cocks in one"

I read it in an infomercial voice.



There have to be a bunch of short clips of people not being able to operate cocks
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:46 PM on March 5 [29 favorites]


"piss complication"

You know, I'd watch that once.
posted by item at 5:47 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


~"i hate cum"
~....Rather an odd thing for a porn search term, eh?


It's...it's actually a thing. And i'm ashamed that I know that.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:48 PM on March 5


"gay anal boy schwul." The hell?
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:48 PM on March 5


"moist mitt" - yeah, that would have made for an interesting presidential (mas)debate.
posted by Wordshore at 5:50 PM on March 5


If I've learned one thing today it's that it appears the internet has finally figured out how to spell 'masturbate' correctly.
posted by item at 5:50 PM on March 5


"warehouse wandering whore"

WTF?
posted by yoink at 5:52 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


The only thing now is to find the pipe where you dump this stuff in and start inputting metafilter usernames. Then we can all get embarrassed and leave. Or get excited and stay.
posted by valkane at 5:52 PM on March 5


Back when I had my own site, I once got a search hit for "Flintstones Porn."

Yabba Dabba Do Me?
posted by jonmc at 5:52 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Somebody actually searched for "www.xvideos.com" on PornHub. Jerry, you don't deserve the internet.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:54 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Sean Connery? Sean Connery!? I can take "mature milf son double fist", but I'm done here.
posted by WidgetAlley at 5:56 PM on March 5


If anyone is having trouble coming up with user names for metafilter...
posted by Fizz at 5:59 PM on March 5 [7 favorites]


Saw this on Twitter the other day and thought it was good. Still waffling over whether to post it to Facebook. Probably won't. Thanks for posting it here!

Also, thomas_violence is great in general, though he doesn't usually do stuff like this. His Twitter account is reliably funny.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:00 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"makeout"

aww
posted by saturday_morning at 6:04 PM on March 5 [6 favorites]


All that jelly and no toast.
posted by valkane at 6:06 PM on March 5


"Meanwhile in Russia..." Yes, with the ellipsis and everything.
posted by Canageek at 6:16 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


"died while sex"
posted by Sokka shot first at 6:16 PM on March 5 [16 favorites]


"Spanish Armature Threesome"

If you think long enough you'll figure out that one is actually pretty vanilla.

I'm holding out hope there's also a misspelling in "Prolapse Granny."
posted by pickles_have_souls at 6:18 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


There have to be a bunch of short clips of people not being able to operate cocks

Man places his cock on the family dinner table as the family sighs with boredom.

Man slaps cock against phone receiver and listens for a dial tone with an expression of disappointment.

Man is unable to fit cock into clearly too-small tupperware container and throws his hands up in defeat.
posted by griphus at 6:21 PM on March 5 [33 favorites]


"Meanwhile in Russia..." Yes, with the ellipsis and everything.

I hope it's just regular porn, but intercut with shots of cows grazing in Siberia and people working on their Ladas.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:22 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]


What do you mean "but"?
posted by griphus at 6:23 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


"Brazilian hairy"

The jumbo shrimp of the porn world.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:25 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


"giving birth"

I guess we've come full circle.
posted by swift at 6:26 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"duck dynasty"

...I hope that's a misspelling of "fuck dicknasty" or something.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:26 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


These are so deliciously wrong that I had to share the link with my friends immediately! I feel terribly naive now, though. I didn't know what many of those meant. Really confused by "her idea".
posted by _paegan_ at 6:28 PM on March 5


"feet workship"

Patrick O'Brian's cutting room floor.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 6:35 PM on March 5


"nice porn" - Awwww.
"sexy porn" - Well, I should hope so!
"painful dog fuck" - I hope whoever makes this stuff gets their head stuck in a fucking bear trap.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:37 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Man is unable to fit cock into clearly too-small tupperware container and throws his hands up in defeat.

It can't be done!
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:39 PM on March 5


"flying boobs"

gotta say I wasn't expecting that
posted by indubitable at 6:43 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Welcome to another round of "Band Name or Porn Search?"
Piss Pee Desperation
Babysitter Squirt
Enema Bride


Also: Big Ads? Someone has to go looking for those?
posted by pernoctalian at 6:45 PM on March 5


"Diarrhea explosive"

I thinkhope some poor soul mixed up PornMD with WebMD.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:52 PM on March 5 [7 favorites]


"mom eats young"

i hope that was redirected from national geographic
posted by indubitable at 7:02 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Polar bear fisting.

I wince even though I am Canadian.
posted by srboisvert at 7:06 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


When "futa" came up I became convinced it was just reading through my browser history.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 7:09 PM on March 5


Hahaha! "Louisiana" No recognition from Urban Dictionary. So confused.
posted by annsunny at 7:12 PM on March 5


extrusion mothers

quoi?

jokeefe: ""girl fucked by piano" (ouch!)"

I'm going to choose to believe that refers to the scenery and not the protagonist.

_paegan_: "Really confused by "her idea"."

There is lots of porn with the setup that whatever kinky thing is the focus (anal, bondage, sweaters, whatever) is introduced by the woman. IE: female enthusiasm porn. It's kind of a flip side to all the reluctant/forced porn.
posted by Mitheral at 7:13 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"ugly christmas sweaters"
posted by indubitable at 7:19 PM on March 5


There's also porn doge, a similar idea by one of my friends. Contains 100% more doge.
posted by tofu_crouton at 7:20 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"Internal milf"
posted by mothershock at 7:37 PM on March 5


I think I might have seen a person try to get more specific:
sasha blonde
Followed a minute later by:
\"sasha blonde\"
I assume the backslashes are just an artifact of the system, and the user actually typed in:
"sasha blonde"
The one I've liked the most so far:
jasmine indian boobs
For some reason I read that as a full name: "Hello, I'm Jasmine Indian Boobs. Pleased to meet you."

Weirdest one:
doge
And then there was this:
illegal
:(
posted by Flunkie at 7:37 PM on March 5


"Attack facials"?

"Scottish"??!

I am finding this difficult to masturbate to.

Also: the only word ALMOST as difficult to spell as AMATURE is TOUNGE. I like to think that if somebody searched for "AMATURE TOUNGE" while I was looking at this site, a siren would start going off, and money would start falling out of a slot on my computer.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:38 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Surprised this hasn't been linked yet. (Previously)
posted by JHarris at 7:46 PM on March 5


"sexy powerpuff grils porn"

I....just.....I mean.....I know this sort of thing has to exists (rule 34 and all that), but to see it written out just ended me.

I'm not sure what is making me laugh more. The results popping up, or our commentary on it.
posted by Twain Device at 7:46 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"Rosebud"

That's... Is there something profound I'm missing he-

"tean lesbien"

Nope.
posted by mrgoat at 7:47 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"JERKOFF INSTRUCTIONS"

A cry for help?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:51 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"husband of the year"

I assume this is the name of a specific video, but I really really want to believe there is someone out there trying to find a clip of hardcore fucking while the guy swiffers the mantlepiece with his spare hand or something
posted by threeants at 7:57 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Conversely, I want to believe that "Rosebud" is a request for Citizen Kane porn, but it's prolly just sphincters.
posted by gingerest at 7:58 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


"german grandpa"

"the simpsons xxx"

"plush"

I can't even.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 7:59 PM on March 5


The mellowness of the presentation begs for a chicka-chicka wow wow 70's instrumental soundtrack.

Or, y'know, Yakkity Sax.
posted by tspae at 8:10 PM on March 5


Ebony midget pounding ...









That is all.
posted by Relay at 8:18 PM on March 5


secret tamil college dorm
posted by [expletive deleted] at 8:20 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


OK YOU GUYS, I HAVE AN ANTIDOTE

BUT

You cannot take the antidote and look at the pr0ns site again or terrible things might happen to your brain and I cannot be held responsible.

ANTIDOTE
posted by louche mustachio at 8:20 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Polar bear fisting.

I wince even though I am Canadian.


Sometimes, you fist the bear;
Sometimes, the bear …
posted by zippy at 8:26 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"twins twins"
Sure.

"family guy xxx"
I uh...

"women with hands"
I'm... I'm just gonna go.
posted by xedrik at 8:32 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"arabic boob"

"indian representative porn"

I'm so far beyond "wow, that's not sexy" and into just abject confusion at some of these
posted by DoctorFedora at 8:37 PM on March 5


"swedish handjob" - this is a massage style, right??
posted by en forme de poire at 8:49 PM on March 5


also "homemade ball licking" invites more questions than it answers. Is it a reaction against the crass commercialism of industrialized ball licking?
posted by en forme de poire at 8:50 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]


Also, haaaahahahahaha @ "generic school sex scene"
posted by en forme de poire at 8:51 PM on March 5


"hr giger"
"salty licorice"
posted by zippy at 8:51 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


"JERKOFF INSTRUCTIONS"

A cry for help?


Odds are real good they aren't going for instruction...
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:52 PM on March 5


"bbc attack" doesn't sound so...oh god, no.
posted by furtive at 9:07 PM on March 5


These can't be real, right? I mean I am reading them all in the voice of Toki from Metalocalypse.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:08 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


"merry x mas"

Thanks?
posted by A Bad Catholic at 9:16 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Conversely, I want to believe that "Rosebud" is a request for Citizen Kane porn, but it's prolly just sphincters.

According to Gore Vidal, "Rosebud" was actually William Randolph Hearst's nickname for his mistress's clitoris. So, uh, something.
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:25 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


I'm only offended by the use of the wrong "your" on the info page. Especially from a self-professed "columnist".
posted by the_royal_we at 9:26 PM on March 5


"indian representative porn"

Rajan Vichare, Sena candidate from Thane, looked at himself in the mirror. His sculpted chest bulged above the skimpy towel cinched about his waist. He flexed his solid, masculine jaw and examined his high cheekbones that were like those of a male model. As his perfectly-proportioned nipple became pert, he considered several promises to voters made by present MP Sanjeev Naik.

"As a member of parliament, Sanjeev Naik laid more emphasis on gutter, water and meter works that mainly fall under the purview of any civic body," Vichare moaned to himself as his hand slipped under the towel, caressing his own rigid rod. "The C-bridge near White House in Koparkhairane was constructed spending Rs42 lakh, but hardly 42 vehicles move along this road today. The road was constructed only for the convenience of the guardian minister." A soft gasp escaped his mouth as he approached orgasm.
posted by threeants at 9:36 PM on March 5 [27 favorites]


"Scooby Doo porn"? Of all the cartoons you could pick, really?
posted by ActionPopulated at 9:37 PM on March 5


After getting a personal note from Mr. Thomas, I withdraw my comment and apologize.
posted by the_royal_we at 9:43 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


rosebud is a jeweled anal toy that at least used to have a hilarious website.
posted by nadawi at 9:47 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


threeants: "The C-bridge near White House in Koparkhairane was constructed spending Rs42 lakh"

The story is incomplete until spending under MPLADS scheme!
posted by vanar sena at 9:50 PM on March 5


I was just thinking that I probably didn't want to find out what "belly stuffing" meant, when "food ass" appeared...
posted by equalpants at 9:59 PM on March 5


"romantic freaky"

Compared to all the other search terms this one almost sounds quaint.
posted by mcmile at 10:21 PM on March 5


I'm watching all these crazy awesome search terms flash by and then I see "erotica." Yeah, guy, no shit.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:34 PM on March 5


I feel like there's something wonderful about how straightforward these all basically are. It's like 99% Invisible, except instead of being about architecture and design that you ignore in your daily life, it's about what gets people horny
posted by DoctorFedora at 10:59 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


"Hentai family guy" matter-of-factly greeted me after a moment or two of fairly routine porny words.

And then, a moment or so later, in teeeeny tiny little letters in the corner, "monster lesbian anal."
posted by desuetude at 11:19 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Searching for "porn" on PornMD is the equivalent of searching for "Google" on Google, no?
posted by Harald74 at 11:28 PM on March 5


Searching for "porn" on PornMD is the equivalent of searching for "Google" on Google, no?

If what you mean is they're both things my parents do on their computers, the answer is a very firm 'yes'.
posted by item at 11:33 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]


THOR
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 12:06 AM on March 6


A lot of these make more sense if you assume people are looking for something they've seen before. Like, "Oh, yeah, that one was great, she was... blonde? I think? And there was a piano nearby?" instead of "I have an overwhelming desire to see someone having sex near a piano"
posted by NoraReed at 12:07 AM on March 6 [3 favorites]


"Neck brace"
posted by univac at 12:31 AM on March 6


I will disregard NoraReed's reasonable explanation, as the other explanations are more entertaining to contemplate.
posted by Harald74 at 12:34 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"Brazilian vomit"

Try to rationalize that away, NoraReed!
posted by univac at 12:39 AM on March 6 [3 favorites]


"debt collectors". Not my idea of a great time, but Rule 34 I guess.
"Make me a vegetable"
"Hairy grandpa"
posted by Pink Frost at 12:48 AM on March 6 [2 favorites]


"Friendly fire facial"? Do you get a stern rebuke like in Call of Duty?
posted by professor plum with a rope at 1:04 AM on March 6 [2 favorites]


Searching for "porn" on PornMD is the equivalent of searching for "Google" on Google, no?

I think I can do one better. I just saw someone search for: "search for porn".

So meta!
posted by GrumpyDan at 1:34 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


propanal

wut


There was a place in Texas selling propanal and propanal accessories many years ago. It's something to do with having a narrow urethra iirc.
posted by longbaugh at 2:01 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"Friendly fire facial"? Do you get a stern rebuke like in Call of Duty?


Ramirez! Do everything!
posted by running order squabble fest at 2:49 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"Scooby Doo porn"?

Velma was amazingly hot, and I will accept no disagreement on this point.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:54 AM on March 6


Extreme roleplay? A few minutes apart: "electro torture" and "lightning" and "pokemon"
posted by DisreputableDog at 3:39 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


Why is this a thing?

bromas eating dykes [What the fuck is a bromas? No, don't tell me]
100 men [What? Why? What would you even do with them?]
sex clip libya [Like, Gaddafi porn?]
she makes him happy [Awwww, that's...sweet?]
nipples smoking [Ouch?]
squirt grool [Whaaaa?]
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:40 AM on March 6


"Fairly odd parents" and "birthday surprise" and "free fall fuck".
posted by DisreputableDog at 3:45 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"the house of porn"
posted by kostanti at 3:58 AM on March 6


"pilados"
"pippi"
"heimlich"
"milky"
"my husband"
"sweet sinner"

I have learned several new things today.
posted by Solomon at 4:02 AM on March 6


also "homemade ball licking" invites more questions than it answers. Is it a reaction against the crass commercialism of industrialized ball licking?

"Small batch artisan ball licking in mason jars at the farmer's market, you can also find us online at DaveAndKarensBallLicking.biz"
posted by Greg Nog at 5:08 AM on March 6 [5 favorites]


squirt grool [Whaaaa?]

I saw a phrase with "grool" in it too. I figure once is a typo, but twice is a thing. I looked it up and I guess it refers to the natural lubricant that vaginas produce. "Grool," really? It's like people are deliberately trying to make sex less sexy.

This also makes the Simpsons episode where they eat Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel a whole lot grosser.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:32 AM on March 6 [3 favorites]


Man is unable to fit cock into clearly too-small tupperware container and throws his hands up in defeat.

THANKS OBAMA
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:32 AM on March 6 [3 favorites]


Impregnatation

I've heard about giving birth in a swimming pool, but I guess there's no reason the conception can't take place there as well.
posted by HeroZero at 6:15 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


A lot of these make more sense if you assume people are looking for something they've seen before.

yeah - there's more besides just rosebud that i could explain to the class, but it is more fun this way. those of us who know the real reason can giggle at the people giggling at their imaginations of the definitions.

i will say that some here are probably slightly more aware of sasha blonde's work than they think they are, since she's in a pretty widely linked (photoshopped) NSFW picture peeing on a turtle (original).
posted by nadawi at 6:25 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


ActionPopulated: ""Scooby Doo porn"? Of all the cartoons you could pick, really?"

Velma is popular and there is a XXX Parody movie of the Scooby Doo.
posted by Mitheral at 6:27 AM on March 6


This is kind of making me wish there was such thing as improv porn.

"Could I get a combination of genders, please? Ok, can someone shout out the first orifice they used when they woke up this morning? And finally, you in the back, yes, if you were going to penetrate someone with a common garden tool, which would it be?"
posted by threeants at 6:41 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


"pussy covered" -- I'm imagining this as some sort of Cinemax erotica thing where the locus of penetration is tastefully covered up by a throw blanket.

"panty pop" -- pretty sure this is actually a new teen dance craze.

"stick in pussy" -- shit, dream big, why not go with a branch?

"looking for roommate" -- ...you're doing it wrong.

"shape" -- I just realized for the first time that there is a deep void in my heart where abstract expressionist porn should be. WHY IS THAT NOT A THING

"oh no" -- honestly this is a pretty good overall assessment.
posted by threeants at 6:50 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"flying boobs"

Absolutely my favorite old-school mac screensaver.
posted by The Bellman at 6:53 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


I guess I am mesmerized by this site. I laughed out loud when this popped up a second ago:

"fake hospital"

Picturing some kind of psychodramatic metaporn about people roleplaying as patient and sexy nurse within the script. Like Synecdoche New York, but with more dicks.
posted by threeants at 6:57 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"kansas" -- are they hoping to see midwesterners, or Steve Walsh, fucking?

"hirsute liz" -- this sounds like a really charming series of young adult novels from the 70s.

"extreme multiple" -- 89, 178, 267, 356, 445, 534, 623, MOTHERFUCKERS

"porno clip" -- BOY HOWDY U'VE COME 2 THE RIGHT PLACE

"gay parole" -- first you want civil unions, then marriage, now you want your own special parole? thanks obama

"message prostate" -- appreciate it but I'd rather not

"nautica" -- someone searching for the followup to the highly successful Banana Refucklick 4: Buttin' Down
posted by threeants at 7:12 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


I'm ashamed to admit how many of the terms I understand (or can rationalize, as per NoraReed). But this one:

"liverpool"

has me mystified in a good way, and I will not try to figure it out.
posted by nubs at 7:38 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"cheating anal bleach vid"

In a way, isn't anal bleaching always cheating?

"improve grades"

I can't decide if this is adorable or sad.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:44 AM on March 6 [2 favorites]


a lot of the location ones are people trying to find specific amateur clips or women with a state or city in their name. it could also be party porn in a certain locale.
posted by nadawi at 8:19 AM on March 6


nadawi: "rosebud is a jeweled anal toy that at least used to have a hilarious website."

I totally remember that but I'm pretty sure that's not what people are searching for. Since I don't want to actually describe it, check the urban dictionary defs here. 1, and 3 in particular, are what I've seen that term refer to in current extreme-ish porn.
posted by primalux at 8:27 AM on March 6


women with a state or city in their name

... Not a street name, or pet name?
posted by asperity at 8:28 AM on March 6


"really anal" -- a buxom woman fingers herself with one hand while using the other hand to organize an entire desk full of mismatched pens by size, color, and vivacity

"dirty talk compilation" -- /white titles scroll down screen, the ones playing lit up in yellow/ New this spring, Now That's What I Call Naughty Fuckwords 23! Featuring "harder, harder, harder, mmmmmmf", "I'm your nasty little whore, yes, yessssss", and last year's inescapable summer jam "I'm so hard right now, do you like my cock, do you like how that feels in you, unnnnh"

"sex avec animaux" -- well, it sounds classier in French, I'll give you that much

"chastity" -- yes, allow me to direct you to NOT PORN

"electro gyno" -- is this a new subgenre of EDM

"reality kings yoga" -- coming soon to the National Geographic Channel
posted by threeants at 8:33 AM on March 6


I would just like to say that "The Hills Have Size" is an amazing name for a parody porn. Thanks whoever searched that for bringing it to my attention.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:37 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


This is kind of making me wish there was such thing as improv porn.

The first rule of improv is to agree, and to say "Yes." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes, yes."

The second rule of improv is to say "Yes, and." "Yes, and the rest." "Yes, and your friends at the firehouse also." "Yes, and I also brought this."
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:39 AM on March 6 [3 favorites]


"Spanish Armature Threesome"

If you think long enough you'll figure out that one is actually pretty vanilla.


I, honestly, could not make that anything other that "Spanish Armada Threesome" for the longest time.
posted by yoink at 8:52 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


brains
posted by louche mustachio at 10:59 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


Some of the weirdness here is english-as-second-language stuff.
posted by werkzeuger at 12:07 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]


ha. it is not surprising to me that rosebud has grown to mean new things. having said that, i do see a surprising number of rosebuds the sex toy in porn to this day. i always laugh because they make me think of a troll's belly button.
posted by nadawi at 12:13 PM on March 6


Probably the weirdest thing about this link, for me, is that I woke up yesterday with the realization that someone, somewhere, was probably googling "yoga farts" and I was powerless to stop/confirm it

Thank you so much, Greg nog.
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:21 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]


hey my site got 2000 views from metafilter overnight. thanks greg nog, whoever you are
posted by unliteral at 4:29 PM on March 6 [8 favorites]


Only 2000?
posted by gingerest at 4:32 PM on March 6


1999 of them were me f5ing to find more flarf verses
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:52 PM on March 6


The first rule of improv is to agree, and to say "Yes." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes, yes."

The second rule of improv is to say "Yes, and." "Yes, and the rest." "Yes, and your friends at the firehouse also." "Yes, and I also brought this."


unnnf, are you off your crazy pills again, ahhhh this is all just a dream, Nicholas, ooooooowoof your name is Nicholas, we are Russian nobility and your name has always been Nicholas, you silly Tsarevoh
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:56 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]


unnnf, are you off your crazy pills again, ahhhh this is all just a dream, Nicholas, ooooooowoof your name is Nicholas, we are Russian nobility and your name has always been Nicholas, you silly Tsarevoh

Oh Grandpa, you always do that! And why are you drunk? I got you a gift, here, open it! Don't you love it? No, you tell me what it is. Oh no, I'm dying! Everyone is dying!
posted by threeants at 6:02 PM on March 6


MetaFilter: thanks greg nog, whoever you are
posted by threeants at 6:02 PM on March 6 [5 favorites]


secret tamil college dorm

this sounds like some sort of amazing South Indian take on Hogwarts. I would read the shit out of that book.
posted by threeants at 6:10 PM on March 6 [3 favorites]


i would totes magotes wear a shirt that said "thanks greg nog, whoever you are"
posted by nadawi at 7:25 PM on March 6 [5 favorites]


"grandpa buggers"

Dear old Grandpa Buggers. It's good to know that his legacy lives on.
posted by homunculus at 10:26 PM on March 6 [3 favorites]


This is mesmerizing, and everytime I think I'm going to shut it off something new comes on and I have to keep watching. Sometimes, I can't even tell if something is a typo, in the wrong search engine, or just a fetish far outside my (clearly limited) awareness. IDIC, indeed.
posted by barnacles at 10:36 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]


“thanks greg nog, whoever you are”

This is a phrase which, I am certain, is uttered several times daily by diverse and multifarious people, old and young, rich and poor, all over the world. They whistle and spit and hock out the words, they whisper it quietly as they drift off to sleep, they intone it solemnly under their breaths as they stalk the sordid streets, but all of them say it.

“thanks greg nog, whoever you are”
posted by koeselitz at 10:41 PM on March 6 [7 favorites]


I feel a tragic missed opportunity for what elizardbits would have done with this thread.
posted by gingerest at 11:02 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]


it would have been glorious
posted by louche mustachio at 11:03 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]


  • epic naked man

  • He has a ballad!
    posted by mannequito at 11:47 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]


    Two ballads!
    posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:37 AM on March 7


    "wrong hole, charlie brown"
    posted by the bricabrac man at 5:57 AM on March 7


    "divine"

    Heh.
    posted by ZeroAmbition at 6:15 AM on March 7


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