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March 5, 2014 5:45 PM   Subscribe

This guy is annoyed with his burrito. [SLMedium]
posted by jeoc (65 comments total) 23 users marked this as a favorite

 
"A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION " That made me laugh quite loudly. I hope I didn't wake the baby.
posted by MrBobaFett at 5:50 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


It's his own damn fault for ordering a burrito, the laughingstock of Mexican-ish food.
posted by item at 5:55 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm.

Between the burrito hat and this, I LOLed so hard I've got the hiccups.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:55 PM on March 5 [11 favorites]


You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this [...], and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

With judicious filling of the [...], this could be about every third comment in most MeTas....
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:01 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


"This is TUNA. I HATE TUNA!"
posted by Fizz at 6:02 PM on March 5


Without taking this too seriously, I will say this:

Burritos are for chill people, this guy doesn't seem like chill people.
posted by sendai sleep master at 6:04 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


I lack some context here so I'm not entirely sure if this piece is fictional or not (I'm thinking yes), but either way, how would one even go about assembling such a monstrosity? You'd have to rig up some kind of contraption that held an (empty, wrapped) tortilla upright while you piled layers down into it. This was really funny but some exploration of the trouble the assembler must have gone to would've made it even better. Like how when Ron Burgundy is kind of impressed with his dog for eating an entire wheel of cheese.
posted by axiom at 6:04 PM on March 5


"Further Reading: How to Control Your Anger"
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:04 PM on March 5 [11 favorites]


This made the rounds of my Twitter feed and FB about six months or more ago. This is the time where I am agape that this has not been flagged as a double. We're slacking here, Mefites.
posted by Kitteh at 6:05 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


I went looking but whoever posted it before didn't use the burrito tag!
posted by jessamyn at 6:06 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


To be quite honest, just looking at that abomination filled me with wrath.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:07 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


It's his own damn fault for ordering a burrito, the laughingstock of Mexican-ish food.

Oh come on. A burrito is big and full of yummy stuff.
posted by Hoopo at 6:07 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


A burrito is big and full of yummy stuff.

I always thought that a Reuben Burrito would be cool, but I'm not sure if you can make a toasted seeded rye tortilla.
posted by jonmc at 6:09 PM on March 5 [11 favorites]


I lack some context here so I'm not entirely sure if this piece is fictional or not (I'm thinking yes), but either way, how would one even go about assembling such a monstrosity?

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and am generally loathe to assume malice but somebody definitely did that on purpose.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:09 PM on March 5


It's his own damn fault for ordering a burrito, the laughingstock of Mexican-ish food.

Oh wow, are we really at that level?? We've seriously come to the point in the more-authentic-than-thou contest that an effin' burrito gets shat on? Not even a particular restaurant's burrito but the burrito as a concept! Burritos are amazing, that is objective fact, and you're a bad person.
posted by windbox at 6:14 PM on March 5 [83 favorites]


Clearly, the burrito was meant to be eaten oriented vertically, I see no problem with this.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:15 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


i think the last time i saw this circling the internet i posted about how i cut my burrito in half and eat it with a fork from the inside out. i also probably posted something about Illegal Pete's who do things the right way by using a spoon to stir up the ingredients of their burritos before they fold them.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:16 PM on March 5


I always thought that a Reuben Burrito would be cool, but I'm not sure if you can make a toasted seeded rye tortilla.
shutupandtakemymoney.jpg
posted by usonian at 6:16 PM on March 5 [7 favorites]


Hang on...I see he addresses this possibility in his tirade. Still.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:18 PM on March 5


pastrami burritos exist at those smaller shops in LA, which seem to do all sorts of food (every place proclaims "pastrami, burger, mexican, etc")

here's a link about ones in phoenix.

i also remember reading about rye tortillas, but cannot seem to find the link.
posted by raihan_ at 6:21 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


how would one even go about assembling such a monstrosity?

Take your tortilla and lay it in the tortilla warmer for 10 seconds.
Pull it out and place it on your tinfoil square.
Spoon rice and beans and meat onto the tortilla. Spread 'em around a bit.
Add additional toppings as needed. Spread 'em around a bit.
Now rotate your nascent burrito 90°*.
Grab the edges of the tortilla on each side and pull them up so that your chosen burrito fillings clump into the center.
Take the tortilla edge closest to you, along with the tinfoil, and wrap it up over the fillings, tucking them back towards you and underneath the tortilla.
Fold in sides, and continue to roll the burrito together.

* This is where the bad burrito magic happens. Yes I have seen it in action. Chipotle is the worst, that's why I get the burrito bowls instead.
posted by carsonb at 6:22 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


pastrami burritos exist at those smaller shops in LA, which seem to do all sorts of food (every place proclaims "pastrami, burger, mexican, etc")

The key lies in proportion and texture, I think. (and I realize I will offend Reuben purists by admitting that I hate Russian Dressing and always substitue mustard).
posted by jonmc at 6:23 PM on March 5


That's not a burrito, it's a quesadilla statue.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:24 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 6:26 PM on March 5 [9 favorites]


As someone who ate a restaurant burrito that had a bay leaf inside it, lodging its jagged leaf edges in my throat and forcing me to go to the emergency room where after putting the flexible camera on a wire thing down my nose, they put me under anesthesia to remove the leaf, I don't have much sympathy for this guy. The nadir of the burrito eating experience is not one in which things that are going to be mixed up in your stomach anyway are not properly mixed up beforehand but one in which there is a hidden painful dangerous surprise inside the burrito, causing you to tear up when you try to speak if you eat it as custom dictates without opening up the tortilla to inspect the enwrapped contents for inedible pain-inducing leafy serrated knife-edges. Seriously, fuck bay leaves, and this guy's zeroth world problems.
posted by Schmucko at 6:38 PM on March 5 [8 favorites]


I will offend Reuben purists

jonmc, that's nothing. I can't stand sauerkraut, and I'm not crazy about rye bread. I like my corned beef on white bread with mayonaisse, thanks.

/ducks, prepares for withering scorn
posted by Ghidorah at 6:39 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Burrito joints that do this are immediately added to my banned list, relegated to emergency tostada salad duty only. The worst is when you're stuck in rice purgatory for ages, gumming down bland rice bite after bite.

Bonus vaguely related link, because it can never be linked too often: The Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel.
posted by zachlipton at 6:40 PM on March 5 [8 favorites]


I liked this part the most: Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
posted by rtha at 6:41 PM on March 5 [4 favorites]


I can actually picture some clueless stoner fuck who has never actually consumed a burrito assembling a burrito in this manner, and thinking how he's doing everyone, like, a total favor by separating out all the fillings.

At my work cafeteria, there was a guy who made the breakfast sandwiches by wrapping up the cheese in the scrambled egg, so the cheese would all melt and collect in this giant cheese blister on one edge of the sandwich (the edge opposite your teeth) and then break open and spill melted cheese on your hands. And he thought he was being so clever because there wasn't melted cheese oozing out the sides of the sandwich.

It's been years, and I'm still very upset by this.
posted by rocketman at 6:45 PM on March 5 [6 favorites]


I am this very moment eating a burrito with a fork. I have never consumed a bay leaf.
posted by mochapickle at 6:45 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


I like my corned beef on white bread with mayonaisse, thanks.

My friend Pete likes to eat baloney and cheese sandwiches on everything bagels with mayo. I thought he was the most goyishe person I'd ever met. You are now neck and neck with him.

(disclaimer: I am only Jewish by marraige)
posted by jonmc at 6:48 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


I'm not entirely sure if this piece is fictional or not (I'm thinking yes)

One of his students made that burrito.
posted by unliteral at 6:53 PM on March 5


I like my corned beef on white bread with mayonaisse, thanks.

Scorn! Of course, I'm no paragon of Reuben purity, either. I love the rye and the sauerkraut and the Russian dressing, but I just can't stand Swiss cheese. I replace it with muenster.

(Oh, and protip: next time you make a Reuben, add just a dash of horseradish. It really takes the whole thing to the next level.)
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:00 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


... so wait, one of his students, who is probably making as much per hour as that burrito costs (and is trying to pay for her education), made that? (And I'm assuming this was a fast food or "fast casual" or a cafeteria situation.)

Yeah, I have a really hard time feeling sorry for him and that adequate burrito he had that one time.
posted by darksong at 7:01 PM on March 5


I have on occasion eaten (part of) a burrito with a fork, but only when it's leftovers from the burrito I didn't finish the night before. I hate eating cold burrito, so I strip the foil off and open it up lengthwise and nuke it. Then I eat the guts with a fork. But at that point, does it even count as a burrito?
posted by rtha at 7:01 PM on March 5


I replace it with muenster.

At my local beer garden they have battered deep-fried meunster. It's fucking delicious.
posted by jonmc at 7:05 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]


I like my corned beef on white bread with mayonaisse, thanks.

I know the goyishe mayo/white bread jokes are easy, but I actually have never tried this combination. It might be really delicious, for all I know. But for "reuben purists" to scorn the lover of corned beef and mayo is problematic regardless of taste; the reuben is a wholly treif concoction that may or may not have been created in Omaha (or possibly New York, or possibly who knows where).

Anyway, as long as reubens appear to be an acceptable thread derail, here's a picture of the best reuben I've ever had[scroll down a little]; come to Chicago and give it a try.
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 7:11 PM on March 5


the most goyishe person I'd ever met

my jewish mom said pretty much the same thing
posted by Ghidorah at 7:11 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]


I can actually picture some clueless stoner fuck who has never actually consumed a burrito.

Maybe it was that nice vegan I met who did up my order at Ben & Jerry's.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:12 PM on March 5


"I lack some context here so I'm not entirely sure if this piece is fictional or not (I'm thinking yes), but either way, how would one even go about assembling such a monstrosity?"

I saw this rant a few weeks ago, and then had a burrito from Chipotle a few days later that was very much like the one he describes, so it's definitely possible.
posted by jonathanhughes at 7:15 PM on March 5


When I was a teenager, I discovered two things on the same night that changed my life forever. Psilocybin mushrooms, and Ween. Specifically, Ween's "The Pod". A couple weeks later I was hanging out with a friend driving back home from a swimming trip, packing along with me my compact disc of "The Pod". With time, I have come to appreciate that even among Ween fanatics The Pod is something of an acquired taste. An album of hits and misses, an album that was seemingly made by The Brothers Ween with little to no interest in producing something that was in any way amusing or sensical to anyone but themselves. For every "Captain Fantasy" there is a "Pollo Asado". The latter of which came to be the subject of a lengthy rant when, captive in my vehicle during a long drive between Culver and Redmond, Oregon. I had come to enjoy the track as some guitar noodling in a vaguely psychadelic manner with some 100% babble dialog pasted on top of it presumably just for the purpose of justifying the title. A lengthy reading of a dialog between the man behind the counter at a Mexican restaraunt and the man placing an order for a number of things many of which do not actually exist and the sum total of the costs of the items makes zero sense. Even when taken out of context and attempting to find some pseudo-numerological meaning in the numbers separated, aggregated, or backwards elicits nothing. And while the song as a whole found meaning and interest to me in as much as it is directly associated with my first significant psychadelic experience, to him it was nothing but irritating gobbledygook. Irritating gobbledygook that by songs end second time through (I repeated the track to see if he would A. Notice or B. Lose it) he was uncontrollably ranting about his hatred of not just the song but how it has made him hate the world. He went on to make a somewhat lucrative career out of his ability to rant against the world in a humorous manner, I went on to produce a friends jokey rap song about cock punching.
posted by mediocre at 7:36 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


Ortega taco sauce makes my taco pop.
posted by Sprocket at 7:51 PM on March 5


this makes me really glad I quit facebook a few years ago, because it reminds me of the sort of terrible "Note" someone you took anthropology with in college who now kindasorta does comedy somewhere that is as close as you can be to the Chicago area without somehow being anywhere near Chicago posts and you wonder how long you have to wait to unfriend him so that he doesn't know why
posted by threeants at 8:01 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]


What a clucking wunt.
posted by MartinWisse at 9:56 PM on March 5


argh, if they just put the "this is a commercial" part at the beginning...
posted by gkr at 10:46 PM on March 5


I don't agree with the criticism for this article. Before I even started reading it I saw the diagram and my eyes narrowed and I hissed at the demon burrito. It was funny and he's right.
posted by like_neon at 12:30 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


Seriously considering driving to Beth's cause I don't know where the hell else I can satisfy my sudden-onset reuben craving at 1 am.
posted by Kwine at 12:52 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


When was the last time you ate a Subway sandwich? All but the most adept Sandwich Artists make slick lines of ingredients, obligating you to rotate the sandwich 90° before eating in order to get a find mix of ingredients. For the horizontal challenge, see crepes. I sympathize with the guy, but it's definitely not just a burrito failing!
posted by whatzit at 3:29 AM on March 6


Okay, that was funnier than I expected. And, yes, the 90 degree rotation is bad burrito magic.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:36 AM on March 6


Oh hey, this was written by a friend of mine. It wasn't intended as totally serious because, duh, come on. He's also a pretty funny guy on Twitter.
posted by secretdark at 4:09 AM on March 6


The burrito forks bit was hilarious, but I really lost it when the recommended "Further Reading" at the bottom was "How to control your anger".
posted by specialagentwebb at 5:30 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


"Welcome to Moe's!!!"
posted by aught at 5:43 AM on March 6


This is why I get the tacos at Chipotle. (Other places, I can go either way.)

Even if it isn't as bad as the diagram, you still have too much ingredient separation for my tastes.

Boyfriend uses a fork to put guac on every bite. So fancy!
posted by MsDaniB at 6:13 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


writing from new mexico. just about anything wrapped in a tortilla is good. but wrap it right. pretty much the same way you prep a hot dog..lengthwise. Roll, pick an end and chomp...
posted by judson at 6:45 AM on March 6


Rye tortillas

I've had them. There's enough rye taste there to do the job.
posted by Cyrano at 6:46 AM on March 6


... HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A FEW MINUTES ...

ME.
posted by The Bellman at 7:02 AM on March 6 [2 favorites]


This is why I get the tacos at Chipotle.

This is whyi get the tacos at the stand on Story and MacLaughlin. After that I just can't have crappy fast food. The sign says they do burritos, but I've never been able to get then to make me one. But those tacos, oh. my. God they are the best!
posted by happyroach at 7:16 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]


Pfft amateur.

Take note. What you need to do for a response is say write on their Facebook page and to their VP of brand management on how the mice carcasses and mice poo that are all over your house, so much so that you could send them a diorama of said mice carcasses. Post a pic of mice diorama on their Facebook page and then have a district manager come to your house the next day and twice a week to erradicate the problem.

This guy doesn't even have a free burrito coupon to stand on.

Chipotle loves me too. Wrote them on how I think they're awesome as hell yet my husband thinks they're shit. So I got 5 free burrito coupons to convert him. I emailed them back saying "screw him, I'm taking these coupons!" I think my letters are hanging in their office because they always respond.

Writing corporations is fun. Especially if I can use mice diorama in my arguments.
posted by stormpooper at 8:11 AM on March 6


I can actually picture some clueless stoner fuck who has never actually consumed a burrito

I can't actually picture that at all. Any stoner that is not familiar with burritos failed munchies 101.
posted by Hoopo at 10:28 AM on March 6 [4 favorites]


This is excellent, mainly for the mental picture of rancor eating a burrito sideways.
posted by cacofonie at 1:01 PM on March 6


Also, in all likelihood this mans burrito was formed in that manner in a one hundred percent deliberate manner. Perhaps this gentleman wronged the burrito assembler in some relatively insignificant manner at some point in their recent past. Perhaps he was just being surly for having to deal with his lot of being in a service industry but not a tip-earner. The author is not helpful in telling anyone where this was, but it is easy to surmise that it was Chipotle. Chipotle, while unfairly maligned for being subpar by the very people they primarily try to market themselves to (office workers who want an "authentic" Mexican experience) are not really all that terrible all things considered. However their employees are treated about as well as your average McDonalds worker by both management and the customers. One tip to Lucky Shirt, aside from learning to temper his rants with something more then pure rage, as this is the difference between being linked on Medium and being a career writer with a published book such as the individual I linked above is to go to a real carniceria tienda mexicana. The food will be a million times better, and probably cheaper. Service will not be as quick, and the product may not be the same every time, but everywhere else in the world this is a feature and not a flaw.
posted by mediocre at 2:22 PM on March 6


The illustration would have been been enough but the rant was much funnier than I expected.

pastrami burritos exist at those smaller shops in LA

OKI DOG: two hot dogs on a flour tortilla, covered with chili and pastrami and wrapped up like a burrito.
posted by Room 641-A at 3:34 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]


I went looking but whoever posted it before didn't use the burrito tag!

Wooo! Lazy tagging saves my post!

posted by jeoc at 5:50 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]


641A: i was talking about a pure pastrami burrito but i have had the oki dog*. it is deeeeelicious.

*=for breakfast
posted by raihan_ at 9:46 PM on March 11


Wooo! Lazy tagging saves my post!

Hey, quit harshing the next guy's buzz! ;)

My takeaway from this is I want to make Cobburrito Salad now. Hard-boiled eggs, guacamole, fresh tomatoes, beef, red onions, beans, cheese, salsa, cilantro, all arranged in neat little rows.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:22 PM on March 11


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