"Did I mention I'm Jewish?"
March 6, 2014 1:39 PM   Subscribe

"A lot of criminal defense attorneys will take your money, and then blow you off . . . "


" . . . that's not me."

posted by Think_Long at 1:43 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]

Better call Saul?
posted by localroger at 1:44 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]

As someone who used to do criminal defense work, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I love that the john has solicitiation and driving on a suspended license. Sometimes it seemed like half the people who committed any kind of crime in a car also had licenses that were suspended.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:46 PM on March 6 [6 favorites]

His mother must be kvelling.
posted by Sophie1 at 1:46 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]

Sometimes it seemed like half the people who committed any kind of crime in a car also had licenses that were suspended.

My dad's favorite legal advise: "Only break one law at a time, son. One law at a time...."
posted by Floydd at 1:50 PM on March 6 [6 favorites]

I heard Jamie Casino got a reality show, I would actually watch shitbird lawyers with awesome commercials showdown in traffic court and then cut to their family lives.
posted by phaedon at 1:52 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]

At least he's wearing a suit?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:53 PM on March 6

"You keep your trap shut and I'll keep your trap open"

I love this its perfect advertising the type of customers who understand this a. have money to pay b. really appreciate his concern for their business.
posted by Rubbstone at 1:54 PM on March 6

Maybe Stephen Glass should apply to Pennsylvania bar?
posted by mullacc at 1:54 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]

You keep your trap shut...

Meanwhile, he probably keep his trap shut about all the crimes his clients "committed." Shouldn't he be incapable even uttering that word without prefixing it with "allegedly?"
posted by cosmic.osmo at 1:56 PM on March 6

Never break the second law of thermodynamics if you're not willing to walk out on everything in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.
posted by Wizened Little Prophet Kid at 1:56 PM on March 6 [4 favorites]

I'd prefer Ron Funches.

"We tried!"
posted by saladin at 1:57 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]

Pay me now, thank me later.
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:14 PM on March 6

So proud of my fellow Pitt alum.
posted by MoonOrb at 2:18 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]

I'm completely ignorant here: is there that much money in defending what look to me as a lot of petty crimes (eg. soliciting while driving with a suspended licence)? I mean, I can understand if he's defending drug kingpins, but all that other random stuff? On another note, what with his being cross-eyed and having that neat racoon eye-mask, I had difficulty concentrating on what he was saying. Then again, those might be some of his secret weapons.
posted by VikingSword at 2:57 PM on March 6

If you do two easy cases a a day for 200 each, that's not bad money. You can probably handle more than that. And then when they get popped for something bigger, or know someone who does, they already have your number. Result: $$$
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:12 PM on March 6 [1 favorite]

During my law school externship a client actually said to me, out loud, "All right! I got a Jew lawyer!" So I think this is a winning strategy actually, at least among a certain segment of the population.
posted by 1adam12 at 4:28 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]

Can't. Stop. Laughing.
posted by epersonae at 4:52 PM on March 6

Sometimes it seemed like half the people who committed any kind of crime in a car also had licenses that were suspended

And only randomly operable.

Long ago when I was a trial lawyer I was in our main criminal court, which was sort of a controlled zoo of criminal defense attorneys and prosecutors milling about, and one of the court staff told one of the defenders that a client had called in to say they couldn't get to court for their hearing, because their car had broken down. Quick as lightning, one of the most seasoned criminal defense attorneys present commented, "Everyone I represent seems to own that car."

Of course lots of people charged with offenses are poor and can't afford regular car service (also why many people have suspended licenses -- can't pay their fines), which is not funny at all, but we were all jaded enough to still laugh our heads off.
posted by bearwife at 4:56 PM on March 6

It looks like a bad Rhett and Link rip off.
posted by bitdamaged at 5:36 PM on March 6

Not to mention that you have to pay not only the initial fines but also huge fees to the DMV to get your license reinstated. If you can't afford those and get pulled over again, you get even MORE fines and even higher fees, and you can basically never get things in order. You need to drive to your job to make the money that you need to pay off your fine. It's a trap for the poor, one they're never meant to escape.
posted by 1adam12 at 5:55 PM on March 6 [6 favorites]

Actually a real lawyer person, but he claims in tiny font and a fast voiceover at the end that it should be "taken as satire", which I guess might be a way to try and keep the bar from harassing him about this?
posted by vogon_poet at 8:11 PM on March 6

The shit with the Driedel at the end slayed me. This is who we need on the US Supreme Court.
posted by Renoroc at 8:20 PM on March 6

This is Dos Noun, a pretty prominent battle rapper between about 99-2003 (or so). He was a pretty funny rapper, and he seems to be a pretty funny lawyer as well. Good on him.
posted by still bill at 9:14 PM on March 6 [2 favorites]

Needs more flaming-sledgehammers-shattering-gravestones.
posted by mikeand1 at 10:22 PM on March 6

Are people taking this as real? It's not, surely, right?

R... right?
posted by Drexen at 11:39 AM on March 7

MoonOrb: "So proud of my fellow Pitt alum."

Me too. He's better than Rick Santorum, at least.
posted by octothorpe at 5:22 AM on March 8

Thanks, dan...
posted by Valued Customer at 6:03 PM on March 9

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