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Survival Research Labs makes a proposal to Google
March 7, 2014 8:50 PM   Subscribe

"I want to make fictional worlds, inhabited by large robots and machines, all over the Google campus" Google has recently shown a great deal of interest in robots, snapping up companies right and left. Mark Pauline, a noted expert in the field, offers his services to the search behemoth.
posted by mecran01 (28 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 


If I am a billionaire from Dogecoin / cryptos I fuckin' promise to do this. Like when you hear giant robot death arena is established, that will be me breaking the anonymity of this account.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 9:14 PM on March 7 [5 favorites]


Internet user enters search string for cake recipe.

Menacing arms sprout from their computer tipped with flamethrowers, chainsaws and a gatling gun that shoots 2x4s. The robotically reanimated corpse of a jackrabbit lurches out and spews blood everywhere before bursting into flames and igniting a bucket of thermite, which turns the entire contraption into a glowing puddle of slag. The 2x4 gatling gun arm begins firing and waving drunkenly around the room, shooting door-sized wholes in the walls and ceiling, shattering furniture and windows until a cloud of shredded household goods hangs in the air. The flamethrower ignites, spewing a thick stream of burning gasoline. The finely shredded debris explodes like a grain silo, blowing the house into flaming matchsticks.

Internet user blinks, gaping at the sudden destruction all around, sitting unharmed in the open air on the one remaining piece of furniture. Inexplicably there is a cake on their lap. The cake is delicious. The best cake they've ever had.

As they eat their cake placidly their neighbor's house explodes. The neighor is chased naked and screaming from the flaming down the street by a snarling velociraptor jauntily sporting a massive human penis.
posted by loquacious at 9:16 PM on March 7 [24 favorites]


At the risk of a derail, can I just point out that I still have no idea how Google gets money? Is it really all just advertising? And those little "sponsored link" things in the search results?

Robots...they work for us...FOR NOW.
posted by ShutterBun at 9:22 PM on March 7


It's like advertising 3 levels deep. Ads in online games for online gaming ad networks that promise to put ads in your online games which might themselves be product ads.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 9:34 PM on March 7 [1 favorite]


Here is the most recent financial overview from Google from this past quarter. They bring in billions of dollars from a variety of sources ($16 billion last quarter before costs), with "Google Sites" being listed as the majority income, which would include their advertising businesses, as well as for-pay services like Google Business. I am sure you could discern what you need from that.

But summary, yes, primarily advertising.
posted by jscott at 9:35 PM on March 7


The idea of a large robot corps is great, but wait until you're between one and the last panini in the lunch queue.
posted by arcticseal at 9:51 PM on March 7 [1 favorite]


Perfect for after-hours death raves. And death rays.
posted by b1tr0t at 9:54 PM on March 7 [1 favorite]


The idea of a large robot corps is great

CITIZEN! PUT DOWN THE CRULLER AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY!

On the other hand, the state troopers seem to consist entirely of bald-shaven, steroid-addled early-thirdie vets. When the Little Old Lady crashed into my car, the State Trooper kept going up on his tippy-toes and puffing out his chest when dealing with me, while calling me "Bro". This is post-surgery, I get the impression he would have gone catatonic or called in the Air National Guard if I was still 375lbs.

(The little old lady was very nice, and so was I, and no-one was hurt, and I traded up from a Kia to a Subaru. The guy in the jodhpurs and strathconnas and broad-brimmed hat was weird in VerHoeven/Gilliam sort of way.. )
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:19 PM on March 7 [2 favorites]


Imagine the package delivery drone that SRL could design.
posted by mecran01 at 10:19 PM on March 7 [9 favorites]


I cannot favourite anything SRL related hard enough
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:49 PM on March 7 [4 favorites]




Indian food AGAIN this week ;) WTF HELP ON FIRE NEED UBER TO ER UBER TO ER
posted by benzenedream at 12:07 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]


Slap*Happy, the best part about that giant Congolese traffic warden robot is that it was invented by a woman!

/happy Woman's Day y'all..
posted by infini at 12:33 AM on March 8 [3 favorites]


At the risk of a derail, can I just point out that I still have no idea how Google gets money?

They provide an audience for advertisers. And like the broadcast television of old, the bigger the audience, the more they can charge. As part of the audience, you are getting lots of free things from them. They want you to stick around.

On the other hand, if you have a small business and want to be noticed on the web so you can get customers, if you go to them, you will find out exactly how they make money. They will not be giving you lots of free things. They will be telling you how much you have to pay (and it is plenty).
posted by eye of newt at 1:04 AM on March 8


Was chatting with someone who did ergonomics studies for the military. We were half-joking that in a couple of decades, it'll seem wonderfully quaint that we used to have actual people do our killing for us.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:29 AM on March 8


The whole SRL endeavor feels doubly relevant now that the US actually deploys death robots in Pakistan and Afghanistan with some regularity, albeit flying death robots. Although SRL's work is too obviously menacing, with the fire and the barely-controlled mechanical violence. Not quite the terror of never knowing if there's a silent, nearly-invisible drone about to bomb your cousin's wedding.

I've got the perfect specific Google site location for SRL: Hangar One, at Moffett. Right now in its current giant skeleton form. The 200' high ceilings might even allow for some indoor drone action.
posted by Nelson at 8:47 AM on March 8


SRL isn't robotics so much as big welded remote controlled machinery. It doesn't seem like a great fit for Google, but it would be a campus installation second to none. So whichever way they decide, Google isn't wrong :-)
posted by anonymisc at 9:54 AM on March 8


If someone turns down the option of hosting SRL, they are wrong. Every time.
posted by aspo at 10:04 AM on March 8


If someone turns down the option of hosting SRL, they are wrong. Every time.

And if someone from SRL says "hold this", don't jump at the chance.
posted by jscott at 10:22 AM on March 8 [3 favorites]


SRL isn't robotics so much as big welded remote controlled machinery.

I think Mark Pauline's suggestion that he pair his machines with Google's autonomous piloting technology was not so much of a suggestion for collaboration as it was a sly peek into a hyperreal dystopian nightmare. Imagine a Google Car™ with autonomous armored tentacles, each with a fire breathing head attached.
posted by mecran01 at 10:47 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]


Hey! Keep my sexual fantasies out of this!
posted by aspo at 12:03 PM on March 8 [2 favorites]


Hey! Keep my sexual fantasies out of this!

Which, the velociraptor with the giant human penis, or the autonomous armored tentacles with fire breathing heads?
posted by loquacious at 3:51 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]




Which, the velociraptor with the giant human penis, or the autonomous armored tentacles with fire breathing heads?

Yes. While an orchestra plays Bolero.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:50 PM on March 8 [3 favorites]


A robot orchestra.
posted by yoHighness at 1:11 AM on March 9


I just hope they bring it to the New York campus. I want to see them light up 16th St. and 8th Ave.. Pleeasssse!!!
posted by cleroy at 10:03 AM on March 9


Speaking of robot orchestras-- nothing still quite tops Eric Singer's LEMUR bots
posted by cleroy at 10:27 AM on March 9


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