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He is tremendously tall and has a wonderful haircut.
April 9, 2014 1:22 PM   Subscribe

It's been over a month since our last Jon Bois post, and longer then that since the end of Breaking Madden, so feast your eyeballs on his newest series, NBA Y2K. In this first installment, he aspires to take the Philadelphia '76ers to an 0-82 season.
posted by Navelgazer (29 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite

 
Only complaint is that prospect Horrid Shithead looks more like a Wisconsin player than a Marquette player.
posted by drezdn at 1:30 PM on April 9 [2 favorites]


My favorite thing about Horrid Shithead is that he looks like everybody's first attempt at character creation in Oblivion.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:31 PM on April 9 [5 favorites]


Bobert Awful: Inspires an emotion in his teammates that is best described as "horror minus thought."

I don't even like sports and this article made me laugh until I cried, which is the highest complement I can give.
posted by Frobenius Twist at 1:32 PM on April 9 [10 favorites]


That story about his bike tire had me crying with laughter.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:33 PM on April 9 [1 favorite]


Oh my god, that bit about the peach farmers.
posted by jbickers at 1:40 PM on April 9 [1 favorite]


Defensively, they have no particular tendency to do anything.

So basically the Knicks.
posted by mullacc at 1:50 PM on April 9 [4 favorites]


Hope the refs trip, fall down a flight of stairs, and break their hips later on tonight.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:50 PM on April 9 [1 favorite]


Looks like he finally got something to capture video from his Xbox in HD. It's actually kind of weird seeing his stuff all crisp and detailed. Until now I've associated hilarious sports game antics with fuzzy screencaps.
posted by zsazsa at 2:12 PM on April 9


As someone who doesn't really follow basketball, I seriously had no idea that Milwaukee or Atlanta had basketball teams. Thanks, Jon Bois!
posted by Johnny Assay at 2:20 PM on April 9


he aspires to take the Philadelphia '76ers to an 0-82 season.

Isn't this what the real Sixers aspire to as well?
posted by T.D. Strange at 2:21 PM on April 9 [4 favorites]


I don't even like sports and this article made me laugh until I cried,

Same! Tears were streaming down my cheeks.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:34 PM on April 9


705 meters in diameter.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:35 PM on April 9


Isn't this what the real Sixers aspire to as well?

Indeed. Bois went to absurd lengths to create a completely impossible team that went 0-82. The Sixers traded away most of their assets for garbage and lousy draft picks, basically fielded a D-league team, and have only managed 17 wins.
posted by mightygodking at 3:05 PM on April 9


The Sixers traded away most of their assets for garbage and lousy draft picks, basically fielded a D-league team, and have only managed 17 wins.

Impressively, they haven't even managed to be the worst team in the NBA despite their .221 winning percentage, because the Milwaukee Bucks are somehow even worse at 14-63. I always feel bad for teams that can't even fail at failing.
posted by Copronymus at 3:22 PM on April 9 [1 favorite]


We will always have the season-opening win over the Heat.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 3:42 PM on April 9 [1 favorite]


My only complaint is that we didn't get to see Horrid Shithead in action.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:54 PM on April 9 [5 favorites]


I'm actually a little sad they didn't get the third pick in the lottery and watch as he went to Boston or somebody.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 3:56 PM on April 9 [2 favorites]


I'm watching that hilarious video, soundtracked by Neil Young's "Piece Of Crap", and i'm thinking, yeah, I always tell people I that I love Neil Young, and I admire Neil Young's chance taking, muse following, ups and downs, and the ups are legendary, but …..what I don't admit to myself is that when Neil Young fails, he fails fucking hard. He just sucks.
posted by C.A.S. at 4:14 PM on April 9


Just going by the player photos, I think that Blaine Sirus is going to transition nicely into a second career as a model who specializes in leaning beardfully against cars.

In seven years, Martin F-er is going to be resentfully tending the front cash and hitting on the fry cook. He used to be in the L you know.

Chris DiNardo gets to play four seasons for the Rockets (2 mpg, 1 ppg, 4 turnovers) because Lin likes talking DOTA2 with him on the bus.
posted by One Hand Slowclapping at 5:13 PM on April 9 [3 favorites]


He seems to ask for help guarding the void...

Don't we all.
posted by mcmile at 7:09 PM on April 9 [4 favorites]


Did you know that Jon Bois and Mallory Ortberg are married? IN MY HEART
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:29 PM on April 9 [6 favorites]


Potomac Avenue: I just put together that so many of my favorite things from The Toast are all Mallory Ortberg, so thanks! (Though I remain your bitter rival for another few days, of course.)
posted by Navelgazer at 4:14 AM on April 10


Dwight Howard is such a jerk
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:22 AM on April 10 [2 favorites]


Ooh, the Breaking Madden stuff was outstanding, here's hoping this is as good.

Seeing the epic slo mo camera move of the guy taking a huge shot from his own free throw line, and as the camera pans over the shot, you see in the background that he's taking this absolutely desperate last second type of three with 10:37 left and 22 seconds on the shot clock is what made me laugh until I cried.
posted by Sphinx at 5:29 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]


PLEASE POST EVERY INSTALLMENT OF THIS ON HERE SO I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MISSING ONE
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:40 PM on April 11 [2 favorites]


I am not even joking
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:39 PM on April 11


Jon Bois SB Nation RSS Feed
posted by Rock Steady at 7:10 AM on April 12 [1 favorite]


If you needed another reason to love Jon Bois.

I'm doing my homunculus impression in this thread.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:57 AM on April 14 [1 favorite]


The Kobes of past, present, and future
posted by Johnny Assay at 8:02 AM on April 20 [2 favorites]


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