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A Song Of Rent And Maintenance
April 10, 2014 7:01 AM   Subscribe

An apartment for sale off NYC's tony Gramercy Park has been made up to look like a medieval castle.
posted by The Whelk (54 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
Really more Tudor, isn't it?
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:06 AM on April 10 [8 favorites]


It looks like the TV set of every prep school.
posted by maryr at 7:09 AM on April 10 [8 favorites]


I love it!
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 7:10 AM on April 10


Do you get a key to the park or not?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:15 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


This is actually a pretty common style in GraPaNo, especially since gentrification's been taking it over in the past year or so. I remember when that whole area was an affordable place to live, just a few scattered farms and clans warring for local dominance.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:17 AM on April 10 [35 favorites]


Does that $7MM price tag come with a parking space for your car or a stall for your horse?

Also, I see nowhere for me to keep my full set of Armor.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:17 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


Lovely medieval track lighting they've got there.
posted by wemayfreeze at 7:20 AM on April 10 [11 favorites]


( on an unrelated side note I'm going to once again express my jealously toward Greg Nog's family tartan which is a cool modern pattern cause mine is like, pink and yellow and looks like the result of several bad decisions by a drunken loom.)
posted by The Whelk at 7:23 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]


More likely pink and yellow were just the cheapest options.
posted by maryr at 7:25 AM on April 10


Why have you put your linenfold paneling on the ceiling? Whyyyyy? It would be so lovely on the walls, where it belongs, instead of the fake stone.
The strapwork is pretty nice, though.
posted by Adridne at 7:27 AM on April 10


I hope it comes with the furniture, because all my Ikea stuff is not going to match the rest of that interior.
posted by backseatpilot at 7:29 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]


Horrendous.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:30 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]


wemayfreeze: "Lovely medieval track lighting they've got there."

That was the first thing I noticed. The track lights look huge.
posted by zarq at 7:33 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


Much as I would have loved this when I was 12, I ultimately would have preferred a spaceship theme.
posted by postcommunism at 7:34 AM on April 10 [2 favorites]


Yeah... this is pretty bad. The building was done by Schwartz and Gross in 1929-30, but I'm betting the interior isn't the original!
posted by Jahaza at 7:35 AM on April 10


Just for fun, I like to peruse the luxury apartment layouts in the Sunday NYT Magazine. I certainly could never afford the maintenance fees, much less the rent/purchase, but one thing always strikes me: The more sleek and opulent the place, the less it looks like you could actually, y'know, LIVE there! This place, on the other hand, makes me want to order out a few casks of ale and wine, joints of beef, and invite everybody over for the weekend. Oh, and I wouldn't have a "study" or "office", I would relax in my Scriptorium!
posted by TDavis at 7:36 AM on April 10


Does it come with that painting of Peter Murphy in the four photo, or will I have to bring my own painting of Peter Murphy?
posted by griphus at 7:37 AM on April 10 [14 favorites]


I would relax in my Scriptorium!

Oh, heavens, don't install one of those! It was all the rage 10-15 years back, but they attract monks like nobody's business, and you have to keep bringing in Protestants to get rid of the problem.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:42 AM on April 10 [19 favorites]


Also "Tony Gramercy Park" sounds like the worst mobster name ever. Well, next to "Frankie SoBro."
posted by griphus at 7:42 AM on April 10 [6 favorites]


They call him Sal NoLita.
posted by The Whelk at 7:43 AM on April 10


Much as I would have loved this when I was 12, I ultimately would have preferred a spaceship theme.

Ideally, you could make half the apartment look like the castle, fading into the other half looking like the Holodeck.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:43 AM on April 10 [5 favorites]


Much as I would have loved this when I was 12, I ultimately would have preferred a spaceship theme.

Something like this, perhaps?
posted by corb at 7:44 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


The listing for this Gramercy Park North co-op brags that it "has not been on the market in over 45 years,"

If I'm reading this sale record correctly, it was sold to the current owners, Theresa Llorente and Janos Aranyi by the Jerome L Greene Foundation for $630,000 on April 9, 2013.
posted by Jahaza at 7:44 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


Are you fucking kidding me that co-op was sold for $630K in 2013?

Holy shit was it literally held together by rat feces and faulty wiring at the time or something?
posted by griphus at 7:46 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]


Also "Tony Gramercy Park" sounds like the worst mobster name ever. Well, next to "Frankie SoBro."

They call 'im "Jimmy East Williamsburg, Definitely Still In Williamsburg, Just An Easy Four-Mile Walk To The Lorimer Stop"
posted by Greg Nog at 7:47 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]


Low price sales like that are usually sales between friends/relations/some kind of complex tax dodge
posted by The Whelk at 7:52 AM on April 10


Does it come with that painting of Peter Murphy in the four photo, or will I have to bring my own painting of Peter Murphy?

If you didn't bring your own, would the place ever truly feel like home?
posted by Navelgazer at 8:01 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


Only 2 bedrooms. Where are you going to store all the Maidens that apartment is going to get you when your parents visit?

Cause clearly no woman is buying that place.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 8:05 AM on April 10


Does that $7MM price tag come with a parking space for your car or a stall for your horse?

Comes with a Tudor garage.
posted by Kabanos at 8:06 AM on April 10 [27 favorites]


My first thought:

"Was this the place that Jeff Bridges was trying to break into in 'The Fisher King?'
posted by Thistledown at 8:24 AM on April 10


Lovely medieval track lighting they've got there.

Really more Tudor, isn't it?

Like a Medieval castle, not in the exact same manner as a Medieval castle. "Like," in this instance, meaning "similar to."

I mean, I understand the urge to rush into threads, push back the spectacles, and act as pedants, but can you extend that pedantry to your own reading of the English language? Can you tamp it down for a moment to enjoy the spectacle of people's ostentatious preposterousness, or must they jot and tittle every tittle and jot for it to be above niggling every picayune detail?

Do you follow behind Mickey Mouse at Disneyland and say "Not really a mouse, then, are you?" and then glare at the Magic Castle and cry out "All of this can be explained by natural phenomena!"
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:37 AM on April 10 [10 favorites]


Look I know there were a lot of disagreements, but if you're going to critique my activity list for the Disneyland meetup, can you maybe go about it in a slightly less passive-aggressive manner, or, at the very least, not bring it up in a completely unrelated thread?
posted by griphus at 8:41 AM on April 10 [14 favorites]


No one ever does early medieval peroid style, who doesn't want to sleep in a big open hall with all your friends, family and livestock piled together?
posted by The Whelk at 8:42 AM on April 10 [5 favorites]


Listen, I was on board until you recommended shaming the PeopleMover whenever it is empty or not moving.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:42 AM on April 10 [2 favorites]


Whatever, BU. That track lighting is fucking horrible. The fact that it's not period-correct isn't the half of it.

They could probably double the market value by taking it out.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:44 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


The track lighting reminds me of the security cameras from Goldeneye for the N64
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 9:09 AM on April 10


"All of this can be explained by natural phenomena!"

I scream that out every 78 minutes, regardless of the situation or my surroundings.

Only twice have I been incorrect.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:10 AM on April 10 [15 favorites]


1) The track lighting, oh my fuck.

2) The layout is terrible A bedroom that opens off the dining room? wtf?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:14 AM on April 10


Who could convince their wife this is a good idea?
posted by shothotbot at 9:21 AM on April 10


I love/hate curbed. I could read this shit all day.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 9:24 AM on April 10


Do you follow behind Mickey Mouse at Disneyland and say "Not really a mouse, then, are you?"

I'm more bothered by the fact that Donald Duck is walking around without pants on while Mickey is decently covered.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:24 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


Meanwhile, you can buy a real castle for less. (warning: buzzfeed)
posted by fings at 9:26 AM on April 10


Who could convince their wife this is a good idea?

Maybe "the wife" like The Tudors cosplay. Hopefully not so much as to stage beheadings, but it's her salary that pays for the place....
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:26 AM on April 10


"All of this can be explained by natural phenomena!" he cried out, with a force that broke a tiny, tear-shaped icicle off Walt Disney's frozen cheek.
posted by achrise at 9:49 AM on April 10


Bunny Ultramod: "Do you follow behind Mickey Mouse at Disneyland and say "Not really a mouse, then, are you?" and then glare at the Magic Castle and cry out "All of this can be explained by natural phenomena!""

My six-year-olds do stuff like this.

"That can't be Clifford. Dogs don't grow that big."
"Daffy Duck can't be in space. You can't breathe in space without a space suit."
"Why doesn't Tom just wait until Jerry is asleep and then vacuum him up?"
"That coyote isn't very good at catching the roadrunner. He should just go to McDonalds instead."
"You know that's not Santa. I don't believe in Santa. That's just a guy with a white beard in a red sui- WAIT HE'S GIVING OUT CANDY!"

You learn to tune it out.
posted by zarq at 9:51 AM on April 10


From what I've heard, the owners have decided to leave New York because of all the damn wizards.
posted by happyroach at 9:56 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]


Does that $7MM price tag come with a parking space for your car or a stall for your horse?

Comes with a Tudor garage.


This deserves a massive slow clap. Good show.
posted by Think_Long at 10:20 AM on April 10


You learn to tune it out.

Or steer clear of 6-year-olds.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 10:27 AM on April 10


Yeah, but they're still funny and cute at this age. :D
posted by zarq at 10:44 AM on April 10


I thought the mid-century Scandinavian chairs really pulled the room together. Also, they tried to hide them, but a couple of chairs in the foyer escaped from Sterling Cooper.
posted by dhartung at 10:47 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]


roomthreeseventeen: Do you get a key to the park or not?

Yes. Last line of listing: Imagine living in your version of Downton Abbey and owning the much desired key to Gramercy Park!
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:13 PM on April 10


Cause clearly no woman is buying that place.

You are seriously underestimating how well Philippa Gregory sells.
posted by maryr at 1:23 PM on April 10 [1 favorite]


Doesn't Peter Dinklage live in New York? I'm just sayin'.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:30 PM on April 10


There was a similar duded-up duplex down the street from me that went for $700K. Location, location, location.

But then there's THIS. A steal at less than half the price of Medieval Tymes.
posted by lagomorphius at 5:44 PM on April 10


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