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Please enjoy this cyberpunk hacking adventure!
April 17, 2014 4:14 PM   Subscribe

High End Customizable Sauna Experience by Porpentine
posted by bile and syntax (46 comments total) 64 users marked this as a favorite

 
I did not know there was a hole in my heart the size of a huggable manta ray, till just now.

You have saved me from making many askme human relationship posts.
posted by bswinburn at 4:18 PM on April 17 [11 favorites]


Funny, I had that same experience

Also, I really want a cupcake.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:21 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


Yay porpentine! Wonder how long until the body horror starts...
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 4:21 PM on April 17 [3 favorites]


YOU HACK INTO A TOASTER OR SOMETHING AND FIGURE OUT WHERE ALL THE SHIT IS
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 4:22 PM on April 17 [8 favorites]


I eventually got a perfect customized sauna experience, but I feel a deep seated regret that I did not eat the Cupcake.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:30 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]


I ate the cupcake, but I got my huggable manta ray, too.
posted by jeather at 4:38 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


I ate the cupcake, but I got my huggable manta ray, too.

You are the worst person and I hate you.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:48 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]


Porpentine's terrific. Can you imagine what would happen if some crazy A-list publisher gave her an actual budget? It'd make System Shock look like The Sims, with tons of added glitch art.
posted by JHarris at 4:48 PM on April 17 [6 favorites]


Reminds me of this.

like, a lot.
posted by emptythought at 5:02 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]


THE IRONY IS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD REPTILES, DESPITE YOUR PROXIMITY TO A REASONABLY PRICED REPTILE SOURCE.

That was the point at which I realized this game is TOTALLY AWESOME
posted by aubilenon at 5:17 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


this game is everything i have ever wanted.
posted by en forme de poire at 5:19 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


If you've somehow not played it yet, you absolutely must play ULTRA BUSINESS TYCOON III.
posted by kmz at 5:20 PM on April 17 [10 favorites]


I never did get that reasonably priced reptile.
posted by ckape at 5:22 PM on April 17


**EXAMINE HACKER JOB NETWORK FOR RESPECTABLE HACKING JOBS**

THERE ARE NO FUCKING JOBS

**TURN TO LIFE OF CRIME**
posted by FatherDagon at 5:26 PM on April 17 [10 favorites]


"They should have sent a Porpentine"
posted by tychotesla at 5:29 PM on April 17


HACK THE CUPCAKE
posted by GuyZero at 5:31 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


good job hacker
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:35 PM on April 17


SEA ANEMONE TINGLE AS THEY MASSAGE YOUR FEET

PROBABLY SOME KIND OF VENOM BUT WHO CARES
posted by Wolfdog at 5:42 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]


YOU HACK INTO A TOASTER OR SOMETHING AND FIGURE OUT WHERE ALL THE SHIT IS

Thank god it was a UNIX toaster.
posted by Kabanos at 5:52 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]


Can you imagine what would happen if some crazy A-list publisher gave her an actual budget? It'd make System Shock look like The Sims, with tons of added glitch art.
If I had vast quantities of cash, I would be willing to throw as much as necessary at her so she could decline those big budget games and keep doing what she's doing.
posted by b1tr0t at 6:00 PM on April 17 [4 favorites]


"it's a UNIX system, I know this"
posted by en forme de poire at 6:06 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


their angelical understanding (tw: abuse, ableism, suicidal ideation, possible epilepsy trigger)
posted by haltingproblemsolved at 6:08 PM on April 17


CUTE OCTOPY CLIMBS UP ON YOUR SHOULDERS AND HAPPILY SLAPS YOUR FACE WITH TENTACLES

Of course I don't mind.
posted by jeather at 6:12 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


I loaded this up in the WiiU Internet Browser to see if the awesome screen shaking effect would work in it.

It does!
posted by JHarris at 6:52 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


Porpentine's terrific. Can you imagine what would happen if some crazy A-list publisher gave her an actual budget? It'd make System Shock look like The Sims, with tons of added glitch art.

Maybe i'm just a cynical ass, but often times this doesn't actually produce anything that great with all kinds of artists. A lot of people like this might make something like this over the space of one day, or over the space of a year. If someone hands them money and says "produce a product in x amount of time" they might either wait until the very end and blast out something not very good, cap off something they didn't really get to finish, or just generally...

I don't know where i'm going with this, just that a lot of people who make stuff like this for the love of it do not necessarily flourish when handed money and deadlines. I'm with b1tr0t on this.
posted by emptythought at 6:58 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]


Personally speaking, I dislike Porpentine for stealing the name of my imaginary rock band.
posted by uosuaq at 7:17 PM on April 17


porpentine is pretty rad. Since kmz already mentioned Ultra Business Tycoon, allow me to mention Howling Dogs as also worth checking out.
posted by juv3nal at 7:21 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WATER IN THE SAUNA

THAT'S NOT HOW SAUNAS WORK
posted by Sys Rq at 7:36 PM on April 17


I'm new to her work. UBTIII is incredible. Holy shit.
posted by mr_roboto at 8:42 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


That's bloody hilarious and awesome.
posted by Fists O'Fury at 9:02 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]


This is not terrifying, and you should definitely use headphones.
posted by mysticreferee at 1:02 AM on April 18


I came here looking for the ultimate sauna experience.
posted by infini at 1:16 AM on April 18 [1 favorite]


THAT'S NOT HOW SAUNAS WORK

This is a special cyberpunk sauna, dude. Just relax and enjoy it. The manta ray will hug all those doubts away.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:41 AM on April 18 [3 favorites]


POLLUTION KILLED ALL THE BIRDS :( SO THE GOVERNMENT INVENTED FAKE BIRDS TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER

Truly dystopian.
posted by ymgve at 3:39 AM on April 18 [1 favorite]


"Here at Phillips Petroleum, we've found ways to replace the environment. Take these self-cleaning plastic ducks." (MST has a quote for everything.)
posted by JHarris at 4:41 AM on April 18


Man, it was like I was back in the 80s version of what we all thought the 90s would be, and it was like being in a Patrick Nagel painting.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:51 AM on April 18 [4 favorites]


Thanks, everyone, for completely derailing my work day.

NOW OFF TO A LIFE OF CRIME
posted by Eyeveex at 6:31 AM on April 18 [2 favorites]


I would so kickstart a full length book from this person.
posted by odinsdream at 8:17 AM on April 18 [1 favorite]


I've been trying to find video games that my mom can play for a long time, but I sent her this one and she said that finally, I have sent her a game she can relate to, and I'm not sure what that says about her or about the game except that I apparently need to send her more things with huggable manta rays
posted by NoraReed at 9:55 AM on April 18 [7 favorites]


GOOD JOB HACKER!
posted by stenseng at 10:00 AM on April 18


Thank god it was a UNIX toaster.

From FEH Issue #1 (July 1st, 1995):

// 14. How to Hack A Toaster Oven by bl0ke


HacKZoRiNG Ah ToaSTeR OOOHHVeNN)#(*%)(*%
========================================
Author:
bl0ke:#$%HS@#H:dat niggah bl0ke:/home/bl0ke:/bin/tcsh
(k)opywr0ngeded 1995


+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| [=ThiS iS THu DEFiNITiVE GuIDE TeW HAxORiNG A ToaSTER)#(%*=] |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
****************************************************************
*******The Author of this text takes no responsibility for the**
*******actions that are performed on toaster ovens to try and***
*******obtain an access which the superuser does not want a ****
*******regular (l)user to have access to.***********************
*******The author also notes that this text is allowed only*****
*******to be used as a .motd after the site has been hax0red.***
****************************************************************

^^^--------NoTiCE MuH DOpE K-RAD KiLLa AK-AkII SKeeiLLZ()*#$


/*

This text covers the basics of hacking the Proctor & Silex
MoDEL:0225 SERiES:b4588 TyPe:02

This specific toaster handels 120 Volts A.C. *ONLY* 1400 WATTS

*/

CoNNECTiNG:
-----------

When CoNNECTiNG TeW SuCH A ToaSTER On ThU iNeT YeW WiLL b ProMPtED
4 aH LoGiN AnD PaSSwErD. ex:(This is a capture of a login.)



+-------------------+
| PROCTOR & SILEX |
| M:0225 |
| S:b4588 |
| T:02 |
+-------------------+


LaHGiN:bageL-n-KreAM/CheZE
PaSSWeRD:*************************************


LaHGiNN GRaNTiD
***************
------------------------------------------------------------

P&S VeRSiON 666.9.MuRRY_LenDER(*REVISION*)

------------------------------------------------------------

login on tty[tOaST]
last login from BAGeL_BaKERY.COM on tty[ChEZe] at 6:43a.m.

:/etc/motd not found


1: OFF
2: ToAsT StART
3: BRoWN
4: BuRNT
5: LiGHT
6: UNiX TyPE SheLL ENViRONMEnT




If YeW GhET THiS YEW ArE COOL)(#*$ Ok NoW CHEwZe No. SiX. AND RuN NE
Of ThU 8LGMz. They WeRK. DeW NoT WeRRIE BoUT WhUT THU 8lgM SaYZ iT
WiLL STiLL WeRK oN ThIS SYSTEM. AlLLL THu 8LGMz DeW()#*%&( ThE OtHER
CoMMANDs R NoT ImPOrTaNT.

SoME NeaT-O ThINGS. YeW CaN TaP the /dev/ToaST-N-CheEZe. YeW CaN FiND
A FeW PRoGRAMs ThAT ArE GeWD FeR ThIS SuCH SYTeMM.

ftp:ftp.elite.warez.feh.OrG

/pub/hax0ring_WaReZ/ToAsteR_HaxoRiNG_WaREZ

P&S_ToAsTeR_ReWTKiT.TaR.GZ -RooTKiT FeR ThiS TYPE o ToaSTER
PSNiFF.GZ -/dev/ToasT-N-CheEZe SniFFAH


SoME DeFUlTZ:
Login:Password
++++++++++++++
bageL-n-KreAM/CheZE:YuMMY
PoPALeNDER:STiNKY_Joo
POaCHeD_EGZ:HooKGNOZe
root:root
lpd:lpd
guest:hymienotyew


+======================================================================+
posted by scalefree at 10:09 AM on April 18 [19 favorites]


Wow, Porpentine has really mellowed out these days....
posted by silence at 10:50 AM on April 18


Everything you swallow will one day come up like a stone.
posted by juv3nal at 1:01 PM on April 18 [1 favorite]


That was fucking hilarious

No manta ray though :(
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:35 PM on April 18


AUGH I tried to play this again but I just installed cloud to butt and it breaks it
posted by NoraReed at 5:06 PM on April 19


This has given me unrealistic expectations for my next foot massage.
posted by homunculus at 9:58 PM on April 19


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