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May 8, 2014 7:35 AM   Subscribe

Passive Aggressive Missed Connections
posted by roomthreeseventeen (99 comments total) 34 users marked this as a favorite

 
You had all the time in the world while we were in line.

I also internally rage at people in front of me in a long line who eventually get up to order and act like they don't even know what kind of restaurant they are standing in.
posted by morganannie at 7:41 AM on May 8 [19 favorites]


> This just happened. Now I can see you writing a post about me online. So I’m doing the same thing. You’re still writing. Me too.

This sort of thing will forevermore comprise a statistically-significant percentage of all social media activity.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:47 AM on May 8 [5 favorites]


Is this the thread where we pet our peeves in public in an unseemly manner?
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:47 AM on May 8 [6 favorites]


Peeves should not be kept in confinement! They are wild! Do you have any idea how much suffering you're causing just for your own amusement!?! It's not cute at ALL.
posted by The Whelk at 7:49 AM on May 8 [16 favorites]


At a bar celebrating my friend’s birthday in midtown. You were wearing Google Glass. I tried to mouth, “You look like a moron.” Did you record that?



Since we're going there...

I was just at a really crowded bar. One guy had a 4 seat couch all to himself, no one even leaning on the arms. Then I see he's wearing Google Glasses and I almost, almost, felt sorry for him... It's like bringing your own mobile DMZ.
posted by rock swoon has no past at 7:53 AM on May 8 [6 favorites]


These are artisanal hand-raised peeves. Their delicate constitutions cannot survive in the wild and the shrink to mere vague annoyances (or even equanimity) if they are released! Only constant attention and petting can keep peeves strong!
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:54 AM on May 8 [21 favorites]


Google Glass, lol.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:54 AM on May 8


Really calm Sunday on the F line in Brooklyn. As I was exiting the subway, you and your friends seemed really stressed out that you might actually not get in in time and crowded the train's doors. I had to push past you to get out, but you didn't seem to notice. All your attention was focused on GETTING IN THE SUBWAY NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I wish I had shoved you harder and called you names. I hope someone stabs you next time you do this. Email me.
posted by Riton at 8:03 AM on May 8 [16 favorites]


Is this the thread where we pet our peeves in public in an unseemly manner?

The rules of the blue are clearly posted on the side:
* no bombing
* no petting
* no diving

There is a special place in hell for people who can't decide what they want to eat before they get to the front of the queue. I refuse to use my local drive-thru because they put the menu by the ordering window, meaning I can't even see what they sell before I'm asked what I want. If I drive-thru there, I'd have to reserve my place in hell...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 8:04 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


You: beating me to a post, something I was already in the process of posting to the front page.

Me: refusing to + favorite because I am that petty.
posted by Fizz at 8:09 AM on May 8 [12 favorites]


I sometimes use Twitter (and regular old-fashioned complaining to friends) to grouse about inconsiderate strangers. I usually feel like an ass afterwards. But I figure that cowardly complaining behind people's backs is ultimately the better choice: if I weren't so conflict-averse, I'd probably just punch people.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:19 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


One of these things is not like the others.

Hi. I saw you at the dog park. You had the German shepherd and I had the terrier. If this is you, please message me the name of the park and your address. Your dog was not well attended and I’d like to report you to the proper officials.
posted by psoas at 8:23 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


Train from Amsterdam to Utrecht. You were the fifty something year old with the oversized rucksack and no social graces. I was the dude you hit in the head with it when getting up from your seat. Would like to meet again to swing my laptop bag into your side and show you what it feels like.
posted by MartinWisse at 8:24 AM on May 8


When you start noticing stuff like that, you have too much free time on your hands, but when that stuff cheeses you off, you are officially having a mid-life crisis...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:25 AM on May 8


I must have been having a mid-life crisis when I was 21 then, cos the restaurant thing has always pissed me off.
posted by marienbad at 8:28 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


You, dude on the Lufthansa flight returning to Frankfurt. Me, chick on the aisle towards the back. For some reason, probably cultural, you decided that bathing and changing clothing during your stay in Miami was something you'd forego on your holiday. That being said, while the line for the aft restrooms are long, when you are harboring a stink that has singed the nosehairs of the guy who drives the shit wagon, standing with your arms resting on the luggage racks above the seats, is probably counter-indicated. Also, tell your wife to stop spraying her duty-free perfume, I'm about to throw up.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:29 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


So many of these seem like a job for Politenessman. (Vintage National Lampoon magazine comic strip. Tried to find a collection to link to but it's all on sites like pinterest and flickr which don't work well when you have adblock and cookie suppression goin' on.)
posted by George_Spiggott at 8:31 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


I take the commuter rail every morning and I usually sit in the designated quiet car, or as I like to call it, the passive-aggressive car.

The thing is, they don't have any signs or anything saying it's the quiet car, people just sort of have to know it. Sometimes the conductor will announce that "the first car is the quiet car" but people often don't know in which car they are sitting.

So often, very often, someone will start talking on their cell phone like it ain't no thing. You would think the thing to do would be for someone to politely request that they be quiet, or perhaps to gently mention that they're sitting in the quiet car. But, no, it seems the standard procedure is to publicly shame them by loudly saying things like "COULD YOU TALK ANY LOUDER WE CAN HEAR YOU!" or "DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ANYBODY ELSE?"

It's kind of hilarious. I could understand if there were signs or something, but there isn't. Even if there were signs, perhaps starting with a polite request would be the best approach before moving onto the public shaming.
posted by bondcliff at 8:32 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


I refuse to use my local drive-thru because they put the menu by the ordering window, meaning I can't even see what they sell before I'm asked what I want.
posted by sodium lights the horizon


Eponysterical
posted by Room 641-A at 8:34 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


the restaurant thing has always pissed me off

what is it life like for these people? Are they just constatly surprised? A never-ending parade of novel experiences where they're suddenly asked, for no reason, what food they would want when they're in a line to get food? Do they a really specific form of amnesia which causes memories related to food ordering not to form?
posted by The Whelk at 8:37 AM on May 8 [20 favorites]


You : Loudly moaning about how long I was taking to order my coffee
Me : Unable to think about anything other than how I tell my family I have cancer. Any tips?

You : Glaring at me for not moving my bag and letting you sit next to me on the crowded tube.
Me : Avoiding eye contact because you unnervingly look like the man who abused me for most of my childhood. Are you related?

You : Smirking at my husband and I as we fail to hide our nervousness at the expensive restaurant.
Me : Wondering if we'll ever get through our first night out since the death of our child. I miss her.


Hell : Other people.
posted by fullerine at 8:38 AM on May 8 [75 favorites]


So here I am typing the first reply to this post, and I just take a break to grab something to eat, and then the doorbell rings, and then a phone call. Anyway when I come back, what's all this I see.

Not cool.
posted by Gyan at 8:38 AM on May 8


At a bar celebrating my friend’s birthday in midtown. You were wearing Google Glass. I tried to mouth, “You look like a moron.” Did you record that?

I've seen one example of Google Glass in the wild here, and another on OKCupid. I passed the first guy on the street and of course I did a double-take, and then I spent the next block hoping he didn't think I was impressed, and then I realized I was being stupid. The guy on OKCupid was my favorite, though, because he had about 6 or 7 photos, and the first 4 of those were him, by himself, wearing Google Glass in a dim room.

Google Glass is the Segway of 2014. This will be true even if it becomes completely ubiquitous later on.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:41 AM on May 8 [4 favorites]


Central Park, 6:00 am. You were on a bicycle, going the wrong way around the loop. I yelled "wrong way" at you, but you pretended to either be deaf or not to speak English.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:43 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


Google Glass is the Segway of 2014.

And the bluetooth earpiece. I'm convinced these people wish they were cyborgs.
posted by malocchio at 8:46 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


Jeeeez fullerine . . . or should I say Debbie Downer?

Uhm, actually, I have a serious neurological condition for which I am regularly mocked in public.
posted by General Tonic at 9:03 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


You: orange/red chest, standing next to our garden, making peeping noises, pulling up worms. Me: barbecuing and looking at you while you went "peep peep peep". My cat: slinking behind my legs, trying to figure out what your deal was. Some bugs: flying around in the air. Well: that about covers it
posted by Greg Nog at 9:04 AM on May 8 [28 favorites]


They are convinced everyone wishes they were cyborgs.

I do wish I was a cyborg.
posted by grobstein at 9:04 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


Many menus at counter restaurants insist on twee hand lettering, Web 2.0 xx-small font, no paper menus or all three. Me with terrible eyesight, I often have to wait until I'm a few feet from the front to even understand my options.

When I perceive this fact may be too socially aggravating I have guessed, literally ordered what the person in front of me ordered, ordered whatever special was documented in a small sign before me, or, if I want my own torture, asked the counter person for help. For fear of inconveniencing those behind me.

Well I used to. Now I realize: fuck em, I deserve as much time as I need to consider my options once they are available and worrying about annoying someone will make you neurotic and passive aggressive.

Be gentle in your judgment of motivations. You don't know the reason and uncharitable assumptions say more about you than whoever is annoying you.
posted by abulafa at 9:06 AM on May 8 [25 favorites]


I yelled "wrong way" at you, but you pretended to either be deaf or not to speak English.

I have this interaction at least once a week. Do you think posting Missed Connections would help?
posted by asperity at 9:10 AM on May 8


You were sitting right next to me at an airplane terminal...

...is so geisty, i love it
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 9:13 AM on May 8


grobstein: " I do wish I was a cyborg."

*fires up chainsaw*

Now hold still....
posted by zarq at 9:14 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


You can post a message for an a-hole in the Philly City Paper. They may not notice it if they're in another city, though.
posted by orme at 9:17 AM on May 8


You aggressively tailgate and weave between cars, but magically we arrived at the red light at the same time. Thank you for making it so easy to like myself.
posted by waving at 9:18 AM on May 8 [11 favorites]


( to be clear, my ire is reserved for people who seem shocked, SHOCKED that they should be expected to order food when they reach the top of the line. These tend to be the same people who are similarly surprised when, after having rung up thier order, they are expected to pay as if this had been a charming social visit Suddently sullied by the unexpected financial transaction )
posted by The Whelk at 9:33 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


fullerine and abulafa have it exactly right; you don't know what is going on with other people. I'm sure I was inattentive and antisocial when my dog died. I was probably the person in front of you in the grocery store noisily fumbling for my credit card and trying not to cry. I was the person sitting at the stoplight a half-second too long because a sad song came on the radio and it knocked the wind out of me. You don't need to honk. You will still get to your destination, albeit 0.5 seconds later.

Why are we all in such a goddamn hurry? Life is so much easier when we give people the benefit of the doubt.
posted by desjardins at 9:35 AM on May 8 [18 favorites]


what is it life like for these people? Are they just constatly surprised? A never-ending parade of novel experiences where they're suddenly asked, for no reason, what food they would want when they're in a line to get food?

Also people at traffic lights. They're going to change! They're always going to change! Why is this something that takes you unawares so that it turns to green and you think "Oh, well, huh, look at that! I can move now! Guess I just have to select a gear and, oh, I suppose I could release this handbrake thingamedoody and..." Just fucking drive off or so help me I will ram you. I don't care that you're 83.
posted by billiebee at 9:36 AM on May 8


Why are we all in such a goddamn hurry?

Are we human beings with plans and things to do or cows in a field somewhere?
posted by acb at 9:36 AM on May 8 [13 favorites]


The rules of the blue are clearly posted on the side:
* no bombing
* no petting
* no diving


I was feeling confused;
Bound to lose.
I'd never posted gripes before.
(You mean she? Uh-huh.)
I thought there's no use getting
Into blue peeve-petting:
It only leads to trouble,
internetting.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:37 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


Please, fullerine, post your above comment to the New Yorker!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:38 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


Why are we all in such a goddamn hurry? Life is so much easier when we give people the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe they had their dying dog in the car and were trying to get to the vet.
posted by Brockles at 9:38 AM on May 8 [9 favorites]


acb: "Are we human beings with plans and things to do or cows in a field somewhere?"

My main concern is that the person behind me when I'm stopped at a light might have plans like:

billiebee: "Just fucking drive off or so help me I will ram you. I don't care that you're 83."
posted by zarq at 9:39 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


fullerine--if all, or any, of those things have happened in your life you have my sympathy and concern. However, I am surprised it was favorited by so many. While personal tragedy is extremely disruptive to ones day to day life one of the purposes of good manners and courtesy is to give us the skills to move through crises, disappointments and difficult time. While forgiveness of others inattentiveness is appropriate and courteous one hopes it is the exception and not the predictable.
posted by rmhsinc at 9:39 AM on May 8 [4 favorites]


I was the person sitting at the stoplight a half-second too long because a sad song came on the radio and it knocked the wind out of me.

I: was on a road-rage inspired rant.
You: were sweet and poignant and made me feel the size of a pea.

Lesson learned.

FWIW I never honk, I just swear. A lot. But no more! Probably.
posted by billiebee at 9:41 AM on May 8 [4 favorites]


Me with terrible eyesight, I often have to wait until I'm a few feet from the front to even understand my options.

Same here; glasses do a lot, but they can't make certain sizes and styles of print clear from certain distances. Familiar restaurants are OK, but in an unfamiliar place I may need a minute or two.

I've sometimes asked the staff to let the people behind me order first, but that can be awkward and time-consuming, too, depending on how things at the particular restaurant are set up and how flexible the staff is, and how many times I have to repeat myself explaining why I need the extra time, and how the people behind me react, and in the end, sometimes me just being a little slower is the most efficient option available.

Taking the time to explain that to everybody in the restaurant would take a lot more of everybody's time and effort than it would for everybody to just assume the best.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:43 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


True story from Philly that came out yesterday:

You: Masturbating on the public bus
Me: I am filming you masturbating on the public bus. I am telling you I am filming you.
You: Continue masturbating as I film you until finally you snap and yell at me for filming you; meanwhile, your penis is still out in the air.
Me: Traumatized to the point that I will need therapy forever and ever.
posted by angrycat at 9:48 AM on May 8 [5 favorites]


I was on the bus. It was rush hour. It was crowded. You were the lady who got on already talking on your cellphone. You were loud. Extremely loud. At one point you actually said "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT SOMEBODY ON THIS BUS FUCKING STINKS." Then you went on and on about how much you hated being on the bus. THIS BUS, in particular.

I don't want to meet up with you ever again.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:50 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


We all want mercy for ourselves and justice for others.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 9:53 AM on May 8 [21 favorites]


Or just to vent a little.
posted by morganannie at 9:54 AM on May 8 [5 favorites]


You: young man sprawled on the bus with your legs taking up all of the aisle so people getting on the bus have to step over them, and the elderly lady with the heavy bag trips over your legs, and you neither help her up, apologize, or move your legs.

Me: glaring at you, fuming.

There's a tumblr out there called something like mentakingupspaceontransit and it's awesome.
posted by suelac at 9:56 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


I got a lot more patient regarding people who stuff up at traffic signals after I started driving stick. There were... embarrassing incidents.

That being said, I have to confess that on one snowy and inhospitable night I was sitting behind someone who was trying to go straight in the left hand turn lane as the straight lane was partly blocked by snow. This is fine, except that they were not tripping the sensor in the straight lane, and hence the light was skipping it -- it was going for the cross traffic, left turn, cross traffic, left turn, etc. And they weren't moving. And they were completely blocking the left turn. They sat through, I am not kidding, at least three cycles of the light waiting for the straight green or for Jesus to come again, I'm not sure, while people piled up behind them. On cycle #4 I chirped. On cycle #5, after the arrow had turned green, I laid on the horn and did not let up until they started moving.

I still felt a bit of sympathy for them, because I'm sure they had some reason for doing that... but, man, at some point you just can't continue sitting there.
posted by sparktinker at 9:59 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


The bestworst part of that tumblr is the predictable, inevitable, unstoppable flood of "NOT ALL MENS!!!1!" anon inbox hate received.
posted by elizardbits at 9:59 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


Just search "lavaballs" in the little searchy box up top there, suelac, for much more discussion on this phenomenon.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:00 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


El Sabor Asiatico: "We all want mercy for ourselves and justice for others."

Well, the thing about other people is that they are not me, so
posted by invitapriore at 10:00 AM on May 8 [9 favorites]


You were on a bicycle, going the wrong way around the loop. I yelled "wrong way" at you, but you pretended to either be deaf or not to speak English.

It's not quite the same thing, but I fairly regularly see folks who are obviously Not From Around Here (rental car, out of state plates, etc.) and obviously lost going down the 16th Street Mall wondering why the lights look funny and they keep on hearing someone ringing a bell at them. I want to explain to them why, that the busses that are going dingaling at them are the only vehicles that are supposed to be on the street that their vehicle is presently on, and also to welcome them to our great city and direct them to one of the many fine establishments where they may buy the recreational substance of their choice.

Alas cars these days are pretty soundproof and also fairly fast even at "lost and wandering" speeds, and running up and knocking on the window just doesn't have that "welcome, honored guest" vibe to it.
posted by sparktinker at 10:09 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


I'm one of those people that sometimes doesn't know what I want to order when I get to the front of the line or who sits too long at the traffic light after it turns green. I don't do it on purpose, it's my attention deficit disorder. I wish I wasn't this way but I am and there's not a whole lot I can do about -- medication only helps me focus on a task for a few hours at a time, not be more attentive/alert in situations like the ones mentioned here. Feeling rushed / pressured by other people just makes me flustered and then I take even longer.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:11 AM on May 8 [6 favorites]


Sometimes one person is having a bad day. Sometimes two people are having bad days and they make things worse for each other.

And other times, you go to the grocery store or something and it's way more crowded than usual, and you think like it's a flash mob or something until you see the collective thought bubble above everyone's head reading, "What the fuck are all these assholes doing here?" And everyone has a bad day.

Sucking: Everyone does it.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:12 AM on May 8 [7 favorites]



Sometimes one person is having a bad day. Sometimes two people are having bad days and they make things worse for each other.


And sometimes people are just rude.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:14 AM on May 8 [7 favorites]


No. Nobody is ever rude.

No such thing.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:18 AM on May 8


My point above was not that I never get annoyed by other people's behavior. However, I try to recognize pretty quickly that getting upset at relatively innocuous slights never makes things better. I've had enough legit reasons to be upset lately, why add to the pile? It only hurts me - the guy blasting the bass at the stoplight already doesn't care how I feel.

There are some people who say they feel better after they swear at someone or cut them off or whatever, but I don't believe this, because next time something happens, they get just as upset again. Why not choose a longer-term solution rather than reacting to ever perceived slight? You can't control other people's behavior, only your own.
posted by desjardins at 10:19 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


desjardins: "You can't control other people's behavior, only your own."

Speaking from personal experience, I think this is the core of it. Nobody likes the idea of not having control, and in the short term getting mad at some asshole feels like a greater exercise of agency than just letting it go.
posted by invitapriore at 10:24 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


From my perspective the problem with "I was/am rude/thoughtless/inattentive because" is that there can always be a reason: I have the flu, my child is sick and I am not sure what is wrong, my job is in jeopardy, I think my partner is going to leave me, I should leave my partner, I have xxxx condition, I had to work a double, I can not find a job, I am underprivileged, I am privileged, I have to defend my dissertation, last night there was gun fire next door, and the list is endless. Thoughtfulness is one of those things that makes living just a little easier for everyone. Everyone is rude sometimes but there is no excuse for being rude more than "sometime"
posted by rmhsinc at 10:24 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


rmhsinc, but in the case of someone you only see once, like a stranger on a train, you have no idea if that guy is a model citizen the other 364 days of the year and you just saw him on his worst day. I'm not saying to give everyone a pass to do whatever they want; certain situations need to be dealt with, like the guy who won't give up his seat for an old lady.

Coworkers who use speakerphones at their desk can just die in a fire, though.
posted by desjardins at 10:31 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


I see more of my coworkers than basically any other person in my life, so in that case I feel pretty well-qualified to enumerate their (extensive and critical) flaws.
posted by invitapriore at 10:40 AM on May 8


You: young man sprawled on the bus with your legs taking up all of the aisle so people getting on the bus have to step over them, and the elderly lady with the heavy bag trips over your legs, and you neither help her up, apologize, or move your legs.

Quite a few times lately, the entire front section of the bus has been entirely full of leg-sprawled young men playing with the phones in their crotches, so that the whole aisle is transformed into The Gauntlet Of Touching Knees. Occasionally, one or two might respond to an "excuse me," but most of the time you have to just ram your way through as best you can. And, of course, the bus has already started to move by the time you've crashed through the first two or three knee-gates. It's an interesting way to start and end the day.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:43 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]



most of the time you have to just ram your way through as best you can.

One of my favorite things about living in NYC was people would refuse to move all the way into the center of the subway car, so you'd have huge clumps of people standing by the door like a bamboo grove blocking the entrance, but two feet away, there'd be this big open space that they refuse to shuffle back to. So I would just gently but firmly puuuuush myself into the car like some hideous oversized version of the Snuggle bear being used to load a musket. It felt slightly less rude than the other strategy I would see, where strangers are angrily shouting "MOVE IN, MOVE IN"
posted by Greg Nog at 10:51 AM on May 8 [5 favorites]


I try to make this painful for the owners of these legs.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:52 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


desjardins--you are absolutely right. I seldom call someone on what I perceive as thoughtlessness. Just let it pass unless--it is likely to go one for sometime, a repeat offender or is causing significant inconvenience.
posted by rmhsinc at 10:53 AM on May 8


I also have terrible eyesight (and other issues) so it can take me substantial time to get oriented to new surroundings and things. But I try like hell to go places I am familiar with and have the menu memorized or go to a new place when it is slow and my problems getting oriented won't impinge on others, or otherwise keep my issues from shitting on total strangers who have no idea what they are (though, granted, there are times I just have to suck it up and be rude -- it happens).

So I would be happy to stand in line with The Whelk and roll our eyes at the jerks in front of us, trying to not be seen by them. Or patiently waiting until later to talk shit about them behind their backs. Or on twitter. Or whatever. It's not like we are doing this to their faces. And given my long list of personal issues and that I generally manage to have my shit together enough to order in a timely manner, I feel like 10x as entitled to talk smack about people later.

I kind of hate having threads like this ruined by the empathy police. It should be a place for petting peeves. Life needs more petting generally. (Especially my life. It is so bereft of petting.)

(Some years ago, when I still drove:)
Me: I was driving slowly and responsibly at about 20mph on the 55mph highway because of the deep snow everywhere, just like all the other sane people following the serious snow storm.

You: Zoomed past in your zippy red sports car, as if you felt like having a sports car made you immune to physics or something.

Me: Laughs up sleeve minutes later as I pass your sorry ass in the ditch where you belong. Glad you weren't hurt. But I would laugh more if I learned your pricey car got scratched up or something.
posted by Michele in California at 11:10 AM on May 8 [7 favorites]


Gramercy Park yesterday afternoon. You were wearing a scarf, a T-shirt, thick-rimmed glasses, and cowboy boots. I think that if we met I would find you insufferable.

Really? How rude. What someone wears is so minor in the grand scheme of irritating things.
posted by droplet at 11:14 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


The Whelk: "A never-ending parade of novel experiences where they're suddenly asked, for no reason, what food they would want when they're in a line to get food?"

When you put it that way, it sounds delightful. Everything is new! Always!
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:16 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


For over a decade I have dealt with a significant commute (excepting three years I worked from home), and when I get very annoyed with other people on the road, I compose these to myself.

Me, in a gold Honda on the QEW, driving at the same speed as the person in front of me. You, with the nose of your red Jeep Wrangler shoved so far up my bum I could see the pores on your face. I was shaking my head at you, and you were gesturing wildly while talking on your phone. I really wished I had a sign that said, "Douchebag" that I could hold up as you cut off the guy in the next lane to go around me. Did you feel it too?

I've often been tempted to start posting these on Craigslist for private kicks. But never have.
posted by routergirl at 11:19 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


abulafa: "Now I realize: fuck em

Be gentle in your judgment of motivations.
"

These two thoughts you expressed in the same comment, they are not congruent
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:20 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


I was biking to work this morning and you rudely stepped out in front of me without even looking both ways. I would put the specific address down but that doesn't make sense because I'm speaking of the collective "you", as every single pedestrian on my way to work did this. If it helps "you" to remember, it was at the intersection where I'd just run through that stop sign.
posted by mcstayinskool at 11:20 AM on May 8 [8 favorites]


A never-ending parade of novel experiences where they're suddenly asked, for no reason, what food they would want when they're in a line to get food?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the next great Paul F. Tompkins character.
posted by Shepherd at 11:20 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]


Gramercy Park yesterday afternoon. You were wearing a scarf, a T-shirt, thick-rimmed glasses, and cowboy boots. I think that if we met I would find you insufferable.


I want to shake this person's hand.
posted by the_royal_we at 11:33 AM on May 8


As someone with ADD who has had to learn a bit about themselves, this all falls into the bucket labeled "mindfullness". Many of us are so caught up in ourselves that we don't concentrate at the task on hand, which, when we're in public, can (sometimes significantly) inconvenience others.

I think the trigger for many people's peeves is the person they're fuming about isn't actually engaged at all, and this is especially true when the task is something no one really enjoys and just wants to be over. Waiting in line or taking transit is not something the vast majority of people "enjoy", it's something that has to be done to be able to do something more enjoyable.
posted by maxwelton at 11:35 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]


This feels like the right place to share today's Mallory Ortberg thoughts.
posted by maryr at 11:39 AM on May 8 [7 favorites]


There are some people who say they feel better after they swear at someone or cut them off or whatever, but I don't believe this, because next time something happens, they get just as upset again. Why not choose a longer-term solution rather than reacting to ever perceived slight? You can't control other people's behavior, only your own.
posted by desjardins at 1:19 PM on May 8

There's a fairly pernicious idea that the way to deal with anger is to 'let it out', because holding anger in is bad for you. Now, it's true that bottling things up without a healthy outlet can be bad, but getting angry releases endorphins and adrenaline: it 'feels good'. The idea that not holding back when you get angry is not only ok, but psychologically beneficial is a self-fulfilling prophecy holding hands with addiction.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 11:57 AM on May 8 [3 favorites]


This morning, approximately 9:05. You came out of the coffee shop near my office, and walked diagonally across the sidewalk, directly towards me. You had a coffee in one hand, and were engrossed in texting with your other. At the last minute you looked up, and narrowly avoided plowing right into me. You then gave me a look of mild annoyance. If you're reading this, I'd like to know where you got your green slacks.

And then slap you.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:02 PM on May 8 [7 favorites]


I try to make this painful for the owners of these legs.

Lavaballers are terrible people, but: please keep in mind that there are also people who have big long legs and huge feet and just had knee surgery and still have to take the bus and despite trying to keep ourselves out of the aisle as much as possible may not totally succeed ...and getting stepped on/knocked around hurrrrrts. #freshthismorning
posted by psoas at 12:22 PM on May 8


I take your point. Though I think lavaballers are not that hard to tell apart from people who are trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to not be in the way. But I'll definitely keep that in mind before getting annoyed next time.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:27 PM on May 8


Also, sorry to hear about your knee, psoas. Heal fast!
posted by Omnomnom at 12:29 PM on May 8


suelac: "There's a tumblr out there called something like mentakingupspaceontransit and it's awesome."

This drives me insane on airplanes. Even when I am taller than them and have longer legs, about 50% of men seem to think they deserve a third of my legroom because their balls require SO MUCH SPACE that their leg angle can't go below 90º. Only firmly planting your knee at the edge of your allotted space will prevent your territory from being taken over.

Also to those who stick their feet into the dark aisle on overnight flights, I don't care if you are trying to prevent blood clots, I still secretly hate you for tripping me and then not even having the decency to move the foot that I have just tripped over.
posted by insoluble uncertainty at 12:36 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]


Yeah the appearance ones are weird, like if you actually said that what would you expect? "Oh wow, I never noticed my outfit / Google Glass / whatever looks that way, I shall remove it immediately and thank you good sir!"

Whereas backpack / armrest people, for example, deserve public floggings.

(Also, the answer to "Are you recording me" is properly "No, get over yourself, you're not that interesting")
posted by wildcrdj at 1:00 PM on May 8


You and your two daughters stood in line in front of me in the very long line for a cupcake. I'm already really annoyed at my friend because it's already taken her 20 minutes to decide where we're going to eat and I'm so hungry I'm ready to chew off my own damn arm. But now, she's decided we have to stop in and get a cupcake at this stupidly trendy suburban cupcake shop because her husband loves them and they'll be closed by the time we're done eating.

So back to you...you guys stood there for a good twenty minutes behind everyone else, there are only five cupcakes left in the shop by the time you get to order. The whole time you were narrating what kind of cupcakes they are and how they'll taste and the advantages of each cupcake over the other. And two of them are red velvet. You're very fond of red velvet. I know this because you've said 1500 times. Once you get to the front of the line it takes you 15 minutes to discuss which cupcake each daughter wants and now it's finally time for you to pay and move on.

Only...there's two gift cards. Great. One daughter's card works perfectly, but the heavier daughter's card doesn't work. No matter how many times the poor girl behind the register runs it, there's nothing there. You moan and whine that it doesn't work and the poor girl behind the counter can't do anything to give you the cupcake because there's no damn money on the card. Instead of being a kind mother with a soul and paying for your child's freaking cupcake, you tell the poor child she'll just have to go without and share with her sister. The slightly skinnier sister blanches at the thought of having to share, and then you say the most horrible thing, "It's not like you need a cupcake."

Fuck you bitch. I lean over your horrified daughters and hand the cashier some money. "For fuck's sake. Here. This should cover the kid's damn cupcake."

You sputter, shocked by my kindness wrapped in seething hostility, "God bless you. That's so sweet."

"God isn't involved lady. I just couldn't bear to listen to you anymore." I turn to the sisters, "Everybody needs a damn cupcake. Got it?"

Both sisters nod in unison, "Thank you."

I hope your daughters put you in one of those nursing homes that are featured on 60 Minutes.
posted by teleri025 at 2:02 PM on May 8 [47 favorites]


Man, I was all ready to rant about the people on the train/bus/plane who play games with the volume on, but after Mean Cupcake Mom everything else just seems kind of like small potatoes.
posted by naoko at 2:40 PM on May 8 [11 favorites]


Me: I'm in my car waiting for pedestrians to cross a chaotic intersection during a power outage ( signals not working). Buses, cars, all tentatively negotiating the mess.

You :A young woman in a large 4WD trying to turn right across my path , swearing, honking, and fist shaking for me to hurry up.

Calm down, we'll all get where we're going, and nobody needs to die.
posted by small house at 3:11 PM on May 8 [5 favorites]


Wow, this thread isn't going the way I expected it to. Much more passive aggression and much less snark. Still, if all the cool kids are doing it...

You: the woman who decided to avoid the long queue of traffic by cutting through a bus lane and driving down the central cross hatched box.

Me: the guy you swore at for blocking your route and refusing to let you get back into the stream of traffic at the junction. I just wanted to tell you that I have a bigger car than you, good insurance, and practice at out staring cats - you are no challenge.

Actually, also...

You: the woman who decided to force her way onto the roundabout, then try and force some old boy into the wrong exit just so you could try and force another car to let you turn a two lane road into a three lane one.

Me: the guy in front of you who stopped and let both of your victims in in front of him, causing you to flip out and hurl stuff around your car. I wanted to tell you... Well, the same thing, actually.

Most days the arseholes are middle managers in BMWs and Audis. Today it was middle aged women in tiny hatchbacks.
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 4:31 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]


You: shirtless dude power walking and power dancing down a major street on the first warm day in about eight months, behind whom I was fated to walk for nearly a mile and a half, over which distance you never stopped power dancing for more than five steps

Me: Just in awe, dude, keep on keepin' on.


You: neighborhood nuisance who made disgusting sucking noises at me as I walked past

Me: I already flipped you off to your face and called you a jagoff, so I'm over it.
posted by like_a_friend at 5:01 PM on May 8 [4 favorites]


rock swoon has no past: "I was just at a really crowded bar. One guy had a 4 seat couch all to himself, no one even leaning on the arms. Then I see he's wearing Google Glasses and I almost, almost, felt sorry for him... It's like bringing your own mobile DMZ."

Geez does this work on transit because it would be worth the price of admission.
posted by Mitheral at 6:42 PM on May 8


We're on a city sidewalk, downtown. You're walking and texting, I'm in a power wheelchair just chugging along. We started off side by side, but you don't want to be "stuck" behind a wheelchair, even though at my normal speed my wheelchair is three times your walking speed, four times your walking speed when you're involved with your phone. So ... when you charge out in front of me, I let you go without even a squeak - I'm used to the game. I'm careful to stay at least 10' behind you and putter along so you don't feel like I'm going to run over you; that's more courtesy than you deserve, but again - I'm used to this game.

So we chug on down the sidewalk until you STOP! Right dead in the middle of the sidewalk, you just stop - because you have to re-read whatever message you just got or because you didn't push the right buttons and now have to figure out how to undo your mistake, or whatever -
you just stop - and I damn near plow into you.

You turn around and glare at me. I'm a cute little old white-haired lady and so I have a reputation to uphold, so I just smile at you instead of flipping you the bird like I'd like to do.
posted by aryma at 10:07 PM on May 8 [9 favorites]


Living on a military base in Japan. While it's healthy to leave base often, it's also just damn easy to shop & acquire food on base.

You: My coworker who I work with every day who also happens to be in the grocery store. "Oh, hey, Dog!"

Me: Stop acknowledging that I exist. I only have 2 days to do the same to you before we return to hell.

You: Striking up a conversation.

Me: If you have to bullshit with me anywhere, do so at work where bullshit is a distraction (unless I never talk to you because every time you speak it kills an undiscovered Amazonian species). You are currently implying you have nothing better to do than bullshit with me on your day off.

You: "Oh, by the way, work question/reminder/statement."

Me: Even if I had two fucks to rub together, I wouldn't give them to your sad charity obviously dedicated to resolving "Work On The Brain". I hate you and will purposefully forget what you just said. Your annoyance at my apparent forgetfulness on Monday is a balm to my soul and more enjoyable than the Shamwow Jam.
posted by DisreputableDog at 12:17 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


You: Masturbating on the public bus
Me: I am filming you masturbating on the public bus. I am telling you I am filming you.
You: Continue masturbating as I film you until finally you snap and yell at me for filming you; meanwhile, your penis is still out in the air.
Me: Traumatized to the point that I will need therapy forever and ever.


As they say, “if they don't want to watch you masturbating, they shouldn't be sitting next to you on the bus”
posted by acb at 3:13 AM on May 9


It was evening rush hour. You were standing in one subway turnstile. You dug through your large purse by resting it atop the arm of the next turnstile directly atop its card reader. Your small child was standing in the third turnstile, obeying your admonitions to not go through until you did.

Lady, there are only three turnstiles at this station and you were blocking all of them with your self-absorbed nonsense.
posted by desuetude at 8:29 AM on May 9


angrycat: "You: Masturbating on the public bus
Me: I am filming you masturbating on the public bus. I am telling you I am filming you.
You: Continue masturbating as I film you until finally you snap and yell at me for filming you; meanwhile, your penis is still out in the air.
Me: Traumatized to the point that I will need therapy forever and ever.
"

Oh I didn't think she sounded traumatized, I loved that she called him out and didn't back down when he yelled at her.
posted by desuetude at 8:35 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]


This is what it's like to be a polite person. Quietly putting up with other people's rude behavior is not a huge deal in the scheme of things; that's why polite people usually go to any length to avoid making a scene in public, because it is almost never worth it. (Almost never. If you were at the DMV that one time in 1998 I do apologize, but shouting at the top of my lungs was my last resort after a protracted, months-long kafkaesque battle to get a California driver's license. And it worked.)

We don't really dwell on these little encounters or even remember most of them specifically (except for you, nasty little old lady I saw walking down the beach 25 years ago, going out of your way to kick over unattended sand castles) but it doesn't mean that they aren't sometimes annoying as hell. Commiserating about them with other polite people is all we've got.
posted by usonian at 9:43 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]


aryma, you're a better person than I am. I say excuse me maybe three times and then I just start plowing, my footrest of my chair hitting people in the back of the calf like the thing they put on the front of trains for snow or cattle, me yelling SORRY EXCUSE ME as people shriek and limp away.

This once ended in a weird moment for me when I got called the n-word before the the n-word sayer turned and saw my Irish whiteyness
posted by angrycat at 10:34 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]


I've gotten much better with my passive aggressive driving issues (thwarting tailgaters by matching pace with the car in the next lane; randomly pumping my brakes to make them back off) but my biggest issue right now is people who are incapable of understanding how to merge around road work.

You know the ones, they try to merge in the middle of the previous intersection or 200 yards from the actual merge sign.

And when you finally push your way into the lane, I whip right by, to merge 200 yards and 30 minutes faster, to all the angry looks of the sheep in the crammed up lane.

Gah, I don't think I'm going to leave the house for the rest of the weekend now.
posted by drinkmaildave at 3:31 PM on May 10


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