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May 16, 2014 8:07 AM   Subscribe


 
This is essentially the "Top Tips" feature from Viz in image macro form, isn't it?
posted by kewb at 8:10 AM on May 16 [7 favorites]




Okay, now I'm reading this thanks to kewb, and can fully say that I endorse:
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
posted by cthuljew at 8:14 AM on May 16 [4 favorites]


This is essentially the "Top Tips" feature from Viz in image macro form, isn't it?

Yeah that's what I thought too. The format of the writing is even the same.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:18 AM on May 16


Given that it's BF, there's a fair chance that the *content* of the writing will end up being the same too, non?
posted by ominous_paws at 8:21 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


Very nice, whatever its pedigree.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:25 AM on May 16


LEARN HOW TO READ A BOOK AGAIN BY STICKING "posted by elizardbits at 8:54 AM on April 25 [261 favorites +] [!]" AT THE END OF EACH PARAGRAPH
posted by straight at 8:25 AM on May 16 [84 favorites]


Isn't Buzzfeed an American site? Did they not realize most of these are Brit-centric?
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:26 AM on May 16


Being named after a town in Greater Manchester, #14 makes me realise that I've been wasting a my potential.
posted by frimble at 8:27 AM on May 16


Oh wait - I don't know how I missed it but there's a thing at the top which says:

From the always wonderful @TwopTwips.

and has a link to the Twop Twips page, which is a Twitter version of Top Tips and may in fact be run by Viz, I'm not sure.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:27 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


Huh. Now I think I need a QWOP Qwips service.
posted by aramaic at 8:30 AM on May 16 [6 favorites]


Isn't Buzzfeed an American site? Did they not realize most of these are Brit-centric?

Buzzfeed has a UK office, also, so some of its content is very UK-centric - I think the assumption is that the audience will find the right content for it.
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:31 AM on May 16


*drops mic, walks out*
posted by ominous_paws at 8:31 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


Okay, now I'm reading this thanks to kewb, and can fully say that I endorse:
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.


I occasionally work with an older gent from the south with a fun work ethic. One day we were on lunch, and were sitting on location waiting for 1pm when we were back to work. At 1:01, he rolled up a newspaper, tucked it under his arm and said "' going to the head. I'll be back in 15."

The boss said to him "We just got back from lunch. Why didn't you go then?"

He smiled, winked and said "Gentleman, never shit on your own time."
posted by nevercalm at 8:35 AM on May 16 [42 favorites]


All my electronics work better after I threaten them with a hammer. Simple, but it works.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:40 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


Computers in other states suddenly start working correctly if their owners consider calling me for help.

I have a Leatherman tool, and I've used it plenty of times on computers.... they sense this, and fear my wrath.
posted by MikeWarot at 8:42 AM on May 16 [6 favorites]


Life hacks are great. Here are some of my favorites:
  1. Set an alarm to wake up on time every day
  2. Save time by doing things faster
  3. Never put a new roll of toilet paper in the toilet paper holder; it only wastes valuable seconds. Put it on the floor instead.
  4. Wash your blender by filling it with soap and then turning it on and leaving it outside
  5. Only fly on supersonic airplanes
  6. Never punch a cop
  7. Eliminate snacking by eating your favorite food for every meal
  8. Free yourself from weekend yard work by letting grass die
  9. Form quick opinions by guessing what the linked article says instead of reading it
  10. Don't piss into the wind, piss out of it
Actually a few of these tips are kind of useful.
posted by compartment at 8:49 AM on May 16 [99 favorites]


Save Valuable Content-Creation Seconds By Taking Some Other Person's Tweets And Putting Them On Stock Pictures
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:51 AM on May 16 [16 favorites]


I remember years ago reading a diet book and , I swear, half of the advice boiled down to "Halve everything you eat", such as "Instead of eating an eight ounce steak, eat four ounces". To put it in MST3k terms, it was the diet book equivalent of Rock Climbing.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 8:55 AM on May 16 [4 favorites]


LIFE HACK: Hastur The Duke Of Hell will grant a greater boon if yiu answer this riddle with the offering of a black calf.
posted by The Whelk at 8:57 AM on May 16 [4 favorites]


I know it's British cuz there's a queue.
posted by symbioid at 9:16 AM on May 16


um I don't get the fenton one
posted by Legomancer at 9:22 AM on May 16 [9 favorites]


BuzzFeed and other content mill sites don't really seem like reasonable FPP links on their own. They're essentially scripted Stock Photos + Words.
posted by odinsdream at 9:25 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


Not to be a buzzkill, but the ghost one is kinda cruel. And the Guess Who one was weird too.

The rest are amusing, though. Certainly more clever than the normal Buzzfeed schlock.
posted by spiderskull at 9:25 AM on May 16


He smiled, winked and said "Gentleman, never shit on your own time."

If you need to lift your spirits during an otherwise mediocre-to-terrible day at work, this is a great way to do it. Like the Subgenius religious practice of Excremeditation, but with an extra pro-worker spin.
posted by asperity at 9:32 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


PAID2POOP
posted by straight at 9:37 AM on May 16 [2 favorites]


Also today in "Buzzfeed eating itself", you may enjoy 7 Incredible New T̞̰̥̥̹̞ͮ̅͢h̪̟ͭ̅̓ͦͥ͋ͩḙ̶̠̝̟͍̣̀͂ͧͯͦͥ̽sͥ&am.
posted by flaneur at 9:41 AM on May 16 [13 favorites]


um I don't get the fenton one
posted by Legomancer

Fenton, FENTON! Oh Jesus Christ
posted by msali at 9:41 AM on May 16 [31 favorites]


For a second there I thought Fenton was one of the deer.

2. Save time by doing things faster
*pencil* save. time....doing .... thgs ... fstr.

Or should I have used a pen?

Y'know #9 will work in the U.S. with the name "Bueller" for people who haven't seen that movie. If they have seen the movie, remove the fire extinguisher from the wall and spray them with it so you still have a prank thing going. Then steal a bus and randomly smash cars in the parking lot before escaping on the highway and ... I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Probably a memorable afternoon though. More than getting coffee anyway.


#7. If you can get away with it, hit a priest.
#14. Don't just poop at work. Poop in your pants at work. That way you can get the whole day off.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:47 AM on May 16 [8 favorites]


"If one of your shower curtain rings breaks,
buy another set of shower curtain rings.
They cost what, two bucks?
I think you can afford it, Mom."
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 9:48 AM on May 16 [3 favorites]


um I don't get the fenton one

I can't see a Starbuck's employee doing this with the necessary urgency. Personally I'd give the name "Bueller" for a more appropriate effect.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:54 AM on May 16


My favourite Top Tip from Viz was:

Save time crossing a one-way strett by only ever checking for vehicles in one direction.

J Smith
Fulchester

And then a bit further down the page:

When crossing a one-way street always look both ways in case a fucking removal lorry is reversing the wrong fucking way down a one-way street.

J Smith
Fulchester Royal Infirmary
posted by jontyjago at 9:59 AM on May 16 [21 favorites]


This is great. I hope the next big target for meme-satire is that insufferable hyper-edgy sweary instructional template - "get a fucking steak and put it in a fucking pan! yeah!! now you fucking know how to fucking cook! shit!"

It was funny for about a week but I am so unbelievably tired of it.
posted by dialetheia at 10:10 AM on May 16 [7 favorites]


Not to be a buzzkill, but the ghost one is kinda cruel.

Naah, it's Scooby Doo.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:11 AM on May 16


Wow, MetaFilter, you are hard to please.

As for me, I am going to get a yard sign with this one printed on it. I doubt the birds will take it to heart, but a public shaming will make me feel better at least.
posted by bjrubble at 10:15 AM on May 16


Also today in "Buzzfeed eating itself", you may enjoy 7 Incredible New T̞̰̥̥̹̞ͮ̅͢h̪̟ͭ̅̓ͦͥ͋ͩḙ̶̠̝̟͍̣̀͂ͧͯͦͥ̽sͥ&am.

Ha. Very FeedBuzz.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 10:26 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]


WHY WOULD YOU PUT QUINOA IN LAKSA GAAAHH

/malaysianfoodchauvinist
posted by divabat at 10:42 AM on May 16 [5 favorites]


Fenton, FENTON! Oh Jesus Christ

Related: Friends of Mr Findlay said he was considering renaming his pet.
posted by effbot at 10:50 AM on May 16


Fenton, FENTON! Oh Jesus Christ

Thank you so much for introducing me to that. LOL!
posted by dnash at 11:00 AM on May 16 [2 favorites]


compartment: "Wash your blender by filling it with soap and then turning it on and leaving it outside"

Um, brb, no reason
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:03 AM on May 16 [3 favorites]


I realized recently that I spend way too much time browsing the web and reading Twitter and not enough time reading books, so #8 is very helpful to me. Thanks!
posted by brundlefly at 12:50 PM on May 16


Also, I'm let down there were no jawdropping feats of breadcraft.
posted by brundlefly at 1:04 PM on May 16


straight: “PAID2POOP”
If you spend 10 minutes in the bathroom at work every day — five days a week, 50 weeks a year — over the course of a year that's over 41 hours. A week's pay for pooping.


Number 15 was my favorite. That's me with my phone when it decides to do whatever it is it does when it won't accept any input for 15 seconds.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:35 PM on May 16 [1 favorite]


Fill the ugly hole at the front of your house with a wooden door.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:04 PM on May 16 [7 favorites]


I end up having to spend a bit of time reading "lifehack" style shit so I have stuff to post to my deathhacks twitter account and even though I'm doing my own ridiculous lifehack joke project I really appreciate other people pointing out how obvious a lot of lifehack shit is because dear god.

Though this doesn't cover the ones that say they are lifehacks and they just post inspirational quotes, often ones that are sort of borderline ableist.
posted by NoraReed at 4:15 PM on May 16 [2 favorites]


Witch County Ohio supports Daily Deathhacks
posted by The Whelk at 4:19 PM on May 16


NoraReed, @deathhacks is great. I just followed it.
posted by brundlefly at 5:01 PM on May 16 [1 favorite]


compartment: "Free yourself from weekend yard work by letting grass die"

Shit, that's a *hack*?!? My neighbor just thinks I'm lazy.
posted by notsnot at 5:21 PM on May 16


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