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May 29, 2014 10:59 AM   Subscribe

Wanted: Explainer explainer. Our venture-funded vertical-driven content prosumer phablet platisher is rapidly growing and we need to add some Ninja Rockstar Content Associates A.S.A.P. See below for a list of open positions!
posted by Diablevert (50 comments total) 26 users marked this as a favorite

 
The ideal candidate has proven experience in correlating.

Sweet, a job!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:05 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Slutbox Junction
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:05 AM on May 29 [3 favorites]


These jobs are way better than the ones I'm seeing in my local paper.
Thanks!
posted by MtDewd at 11:08 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


OUTRAGE OPTIMIZATION perfectly describes so much of the stuff I see on FB these days.

It also sounds like a code name for an NSA intel project.
posted by mrbill at 11:12 AM on May 29 [2 favorites]


"Truly successful fat shamers will not limit themselves to criticizing the bodies of famous women but will be able to draw attention to regular women who have been forced into the news cycle, including victims of violence and the mothers of slain children—because who couldn’t stand to lose a few?"
posted by Diablevert at 11:19 AM on May 29 [5 favorites]


I could just sit in this thread all day quoting my favorite bits.
posted by Diablevert at 11:19 AM on May 29 [6 favorites]


I'd apply for them, except my experience is that jobs like that want to pay you $15k a year plus "exposure."
posted by klangklangston at 11:27 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Should I hang my head in shame that I've had the title "neologist"? Or happy it wasn't "neologizer"?

I think this actually qualifies as the native language of San Francisco's South of Market Area.
posted by Gucky at 11:29 AM on May 29 [2 favorites]


Boy, looking at the "help wanted" ads we just posted at my small local paper, we are doing it wrong.
posted by the_royal_we at 11:30 AM on May 29


Klanklangston - $15K. What do you think awesomeness is made of money? (Last line: "All positions are unpaid.")
posted by Gucky at 11:30 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Judging by my reaction to several of the descriptions, even knowing they were fake, I am confident that they can fill the OUTRAGE OPTIMIZATION position in-house.
posted by Nerd of the North at 11:31 AM on May 29 [3 favorites]


Well, thanks to this post I learned the word "platisher," so fuck you very much for that.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 11:32 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Explainer explainer.

Excellent if you are an explainer, but if you are not, not.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:32 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


These sound great! And after getting laid off from my news production job, I could really use that extra $0 each month.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:32 AM on May 29 [3 favorites]


And "vertical"! I thought it was an adjective but IT'S JUST BEEN NOUNED, DAWG!
posted by indubitable at 11:42 AM on May 29 [5 favorites]


I was asked yesterday to verticalize some content.

Bad, I understood what was meant.
Worse, I understood why.
Worst. Reader, I did it.
posted by Devonian at 11:50 AM on May 29 [20 favorites]


Full Stack Visionary is my favorite new job title. I can imagine every part of something that doesn't exist yet!
posted by mhoye at 11:58 AM on May 29 [4 favorites]


I'm really not a language purist. I'm totally okay with how English, as a language, evolves and changes over time. I really am. So if you want to use "literally" as an emphatic, or whatever, I'm not gonna be the guy that gives you a hard time about it.

But you know what? That neologizer posting fills me with SO MUCH HATE.
posted by mstokes650 at 11:59 AM on May 29


Sounds more like the title of an anime series.
posted by indubitable at 12:00 PM on May 29


"Synergymnast" is just fantastic though. (I leave it as an exercise for the reader to judge whether I'm trying to be ironic or not).
posted by TwoWordReview at 12:01 PM on May 29


"And "vertical"! I thought it was an adjective but IT'S JUST BEEN NOUNED, DAWG!"

Yeah, I just applied for a Mashable gig, and I thought that was kinda funny to see them be all AP IZ GOD in the description, then pepper it with shit like "Which vertical most speaks to you?" in the application. But because I am not trying to be too much of an old, I didn't reply with, "Do you mean section? Or 'desk'?"
posted by klangklangston at 12:03 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Oh god, reading that made me very grateful that I don't work in journalism/media/whatever field this is.

Although, someone once contacted me about the possibility of creating some nail art-based content for a website aimed at cosmetologists/salon owners. Which I was interested in, mostly because I might get some free nail polish out of it. Then I posted some STD-themed nail art on my blog and, whaddya know, I didn't hear anything more about that 'opportunity.'
posted by bookish at 12:04 PM on May 29


Why would you write blog posts to explain explainers? Don't you need video where you draw on a whiteboard to explain anything?
posted by RobotHero at 12:06 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


BINGO!

We are playing that, right?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:11 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


"Synergymnast" is just fantastic though.

*eye twitch*
posted by mstokes650 at 12:11 PM on May 29


klang, you must be pulling my leg, I'm in my late 20s, have never heard that usage before and can't turn up a definition through multiple search engines.
posted by indubitable at 12:12 PM on May 29


Vertical is short for vertical market, and has been pretty standard business jargon for a while.
posted by dhoe at 12:13 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


English, as a language, evolves and changes over time.

Obvs.
posted by jsavimbi at 12:40 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Lost it at "Slutbox Junction".

I think we can make "joyster" a thing. Might be bigger than fetch.
posted by Leon at 12:56 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


I'm on-board with synergymnast.
posted by oddman at 12:58 PM on May 29


I will take all of these positions! They can't possibly be less fun than my job search! And I'm used to being broke, so any crumbs thrown my way (in the form of beef jerky bought with dogecoin) will feel like manna from heaven!
posted by nicebookrack at 1:16 PM on May 29


My favorite part:
"All positions are unpaid."
posted by mfu at 1:20 PM on May 29


Totally rewriting my resume to include references to my previous rockupations.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 1:25 PM on May 29 [4 favorites]


A good piece of 'new-Media-hate' from an appropriate place, considering that "The Message" collaborative-blog-on-Medium (I see what you did there with that title) features such old-Web luminaries as Anil "Professional White Background" Dash and Andy Baio, who's currently reviving his 'sorry I sold out to Yahoo' upcoming.org (with a scarily successful Kickstarter).
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:35 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


also "a meerkat named Philbin"? That explains a lot about Regis (you explainer explainer).
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:37 PM on May 29


Sounds more like the title of an anime series.

Neologizer Genesis Evangelion
posted by gimonca at 1:43 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Disruptive!
posted by evidenceofabsence at 2:17 PM on May 29


Vertical is short for vertical market, and has been pretty standard business jargon for a while.

Sure. But applying that term ("a market in which vendors offer goods and services specific to an industry, trade, profession, or other group of customers with specialized needs," thank you Wikipedia) to a subpage on which people can read, say, just the sports stories seems pretty ridiculous.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 2:23 PM on May 29


The feminism one killed me. Laughing with bitter regret because it contained actual parts of the stories of Sassy, Jane, and Jezebel.
posted by jocelmeow at 2:32 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


Oh my so good.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:56 PM on May 29


They forgot Email Botherizer, to bother anyone whose email we got ever with content emails.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:57 PM on May 29


Wouldn't the position of explainer explainer actually be listed as explainer^2? Or maybe explainer2 if they can afford the high ascii?

Not listed but also needed: an emogi magi, (or maybe it's simply emagi ?) This position could also be split to include the role of snarkup artist, because no self-respecting platisher synergymnast should be allowed to take their work too seriously.
posted by mosk at 3:56 PM on May 29


I've heard of the emagi.😲
posted by octobersurprise at 4:16 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


STD-themed nail art

OK, you have my attention, now can I please have an explanation for that?
posted by hwestiii at 7:34 PM on May 29


I work at a marketing agency in a non-marketing capacity and I am ashamed to say that I know what "vertical" means. The me from ten years ago would *disown* me.

Also this post is great!
posted by brundlefly at 12:44 AM on May 30


...and has been pretty standard business jargon for a while.
You write that like it's a good thing.
posted by MtDewd at 4:42 AM on May 30


That neologizer posting fills me with SO MUCH HATE.

Looks like we got us our OUTRAGE OPTIMIZATION EXPERT.
posted by flabdablet at 7:31 AM on May 30


"Vertical" made sense to me because I like to drink at Schuba's in Chicago, and it was part of Schlitz's vertical integration scheme.
posted by klangklangston at 8:33 AM on May 30 [1 favorite]


Who is the ideal candidate? He or she is a fifth-to-ninth wave feminist who can speak with authority about the patriarchy while mollifying advertisers and reviewing panties, simultaneously appealing to men but never mentioning the issue of class.
These guys get it.
posted by clarknova at 9:28 AM on May 30


Primum Non Nocere - Empathy and explanation in emerging media.
The broader point, though, is the one stated in the passage from Fahrenheit 451: that explanatory journalism can trick us into thinking we understand something, just because we have certain facts about it. Another way to put it: explanatory journalism privileges those aspects of a problem which can be reduced to infographics. There’s much to be commended in the work done by FiveThirtyEight, or even Vox: but making problems seem smaller than they are is a harm that outweighs all the good..
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:49 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]


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