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"50 Cent Believes In Us," I reassured her.
June 2, 2014 10:43 AM   Subscribe

50 Cent says: Make a vision board. Do it tonight, when you get home. Open your laptop. Create a new folder. Think about the things you want for your future. "I want you to Google pictures and put everything you want in this folder," 50 Cent says. "Everything. All right?" 50 Cent Is My Life Coach.
posted by Ghostride The Whip (22 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
50 Cent says: Make a vision board. Do it tonight, when you get home. Open your laptop. Create a new folder. Think about the things you want for your future. "I want you to Google pictures and put everything you want in this folder," 50 Cent says. "Everything. All right?"
I've only read the first paragraph and my Palahniuk meter is off the charts.
posted by Shepherd at 10:52 AM on June 2, 2014 [12 favorites]


Is a Palahniuk Meter like a Gonzo Meter? Like, a designation of how hard the writer is trying to echo Chuck Palahniuk, and failing miserably? Because I read the article a few days ago, and it doesn't read that way to me.
posted by KGMoney at 10:56 AM on June 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


As long as he's not my pitching coach.
posted by stevis23 at 10:58 AM on June 2, 2014 [16 favorites]


My vision board is just cereal and Ninja Turtle pudding pies.
posted by Redfield at 11:01 AM on June 2, 2014 [8 favorites]


holy shit 50 Cent is basically Ray Smuckles
posted by griphus at 11:02 AM on June 2, 2014 [43 favorites]


Is a Palahniuk Meter like a Gonzo Meter?

It's sort of a combination of short, choppy sentences, prescriptive orders to do something seemingly innocuous, and the high probability that everything can and will go terribly, terribly wrong when these instructions are followed.

I feel like "gangster rapper becomes life coach" is exactly the kind of premise that would make a B-grade Palahniuk novel, or an interesting sidebar in an Elmore Leonard book about something else entirely.

The article itself kind of unfolds in a very different and much more anticipatable way, but it was a terse, bullet-prose intro with the promise of unlimited mayhem to follow.
posted by Shepherd at 11:04 AM on June 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


I've been trying to parse this sentence for a while, and it just doesn't make sense to me:
He's wearing a Yankees cap and a snug, fatherly argyle sweater with horn buttons that keep getting snagged on his various enormous muscles.
So do the buttons or the sweater get snagged on his muscles? And how the hell does anything get snagged on muscles? Muscles can be distinct, but so shapely as to snag a sweater or buttons, as one would get snagged while passing too close to a low-hanging branch?

Anyway, I already have my way to make my millions: put 50 Cent's unpublished ideas into a book. "Life Lessons 50 Cent Wouldn't Publish" and BAM! Money in the bank.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:05 AM on June 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


But will these principles assist in the recovery of my diamond-encrusted skull?
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:06 AM on June 2, 2014 [8 favorites]


So do the buttons or the sweater get snagged on his muscles?

The Yankees cap, sweater, and buttons all keep getting snagged on his muscles. But only on the enormous ones.
posted by The World Famous at 11:12 AM on June 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


This is one of those "I started writing this article from a place of staggering ignorance and arrogance, but because of the article, I'm better now!" If you were that ignorant before, I find it hard to believe that you're not still very ignorant. And therefore I've just consumed the output of an ignorant person, which makes me more ignorant than I was before by association. So thanks for that? Now I just feel sorry for myself and for 50 Cent, who seems like a decent guy here. But the vague mentions of domestic violence make it seem like there's a lot missing. Do I have to go read Wikipedia now? Ugh, this article.
posted by bleep at 11:13 AM on June 2, 2014


Pope Guilty, this is more about hitting that ramp in your mind space.
posted by Gin and Comics at 11:17 AM on June 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


And how the hell does anything get snagged on muscles?

do u even lift
posted by threeants at 11:27 AM on June 2, 2014 [34 favorites]


Nancy already went through this with UTurn. That didn't end so good.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:27 AM on June 2, 2014


I learned from twitter that 50 Cent got mad when his Nana told him to take out the trash so he is not on my life coach list any more.
posted by winna at 11:55 AM on June 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


Anastasia went through this with Fitty too.

Still on my Best of MetaFilter shortlist.
posted by psoas at 12:05 PM on June 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


So do the buttons or the sweater get snagged on his muscles? And how the hell does anything get snagged on muscles?

He put his sweater on inside-out.
posted by sourwookie at 12:33 PM on June 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


But will these principles assist in the recovery of my diamond-encrusted skull?

There's a chapter devoted to that titled "Hit Dat Big Ass Ramp!".
posted by Reyturner at 12:56 PM on June 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


But will these principles assist in the recovery of my diamond-encrusted skull?

It's important to get into your mind into the Fifty Zone.
posted by dismas at 1:10 PM on June 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


holy shit 50 Cent is basically Ray Smuckles

fun for the fun god dogg
posted by octobersurprise at 1:11 PM on June 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


So do the buttons or the sweater get snagged on his muscles? And how the hell does anything get snagged on muscles? Muscles can be distinct, but so shapely as to snag a sweater or buttons, as one would get snagged while passing too close to a low-hanging branch?

an assemblage of words that is incongruous yet somehow appropriate can often produce a feeling known as humour; the resulting construction is termed a 'joke'
posted by Sebmojo at 2:39 PM on June 2, 2014 [1 favorite]




Here and I thought Jimmy Urine demanding a 20 from the audience was ballsy.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:32 AM on June 3, 2014


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