"We are playing D&D over Skype with our DM Vin Diesel..."
June 12, 2014 4:30 PM   Subscribe

Kafka on the Shore was frankly overrated in the genre of Japanese magical realism. I agree with Dwayn "The Rock" Johnson (fictional.)
posted by angerbot at 4:39 PM on June 12

posted by Greg Nog at 4:43 PM on June 12 [2 favorites]

Isn't Kafka on the shore easily amused as: magical stuff happens everywhere including with ones own mother?
posted by Xeiliex at 4:43 PM on June 12

Kafka, I'm reading a book
It's not Blue
posted by Mblue at 4:48 PM on June 12

For a guy who could only ever manage three or four fairly bland moves in the ring, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is a surprisingly versatile friend.

And he is correct about Kafka on the Shore.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 4:51 PM on June 12

this may be the finest thing ever posted to mefi since "replace heart with butt" and "herzog's letter to his cleaning lady"

flagged as fucking majestic
posted by elizardbits at 4:53 PM on June 12 [10 favorites]

Oh, come on. I'm sure Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has had real barbecue before. I call bullshit on this whole thing.
posted by neroli at 4:53 PM on June 12

this may be the finest thing ever posted to mefi since "replace heart with butt" and "herzog's letter to his cleaning lady"

Oh, man. I just looked up the Herzog thing. That is wonderful.
posted by brundlefly at 4:59 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

The rare case of "do read the comments", especially this anecdote from jorts:

"I have this bar acquaintance I watch college football games with in the fall, and one day I discovered that he knew Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson through a series of hometown and college athlete buddies. He told me an anecdote about being at a club with The Rock in which, on the dancefloor, The Rock picked this guy up and sat him on one shoulder while continuing to fist pump with his other arm.

I bring this up to say that scenes from your imaginary friendship with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson probably aren't all that different than scenes from a real life friendship with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson."
posted by tavella at 5:03 PM on June 12 [12 favorites]

I'm more proud of the fact that I've been in The Toast than being in The New Yorker.
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on June 12 [8 favorites]

Brian Posehn over at Nerd Poker has been trying to get Vin to play D&D with him for a year now. (His circle includes people like Patton Oswalt, so there's a fair chance he may yet succeed.)
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:09 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

I dreamed about "Celebrity Dungeons & Dragons" as a really cool reality show on Comedy Central. You'd have a core group of players (who would sometimes drop in and out) and have a special guest player every week. Vin Diesel was going to be Dungeon Master; Stephen Colbert was going to be host/commentator. The Rock would've been one of the regular players. (I think I had a list of other regular players but I can't remember who they were at this point.)

So if this piece is fantasy, I refuse reality.
posted by darksong at 5:09 PM on June 12 [11 favorites]

I have basically the same relationship with Jackie Chan.
posted by valkane at 5:12 PM on June 12 [2 favorites]

The Toast is basically fan fiction all around. Which I support.
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:28 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

Please tell me there's nothing particularly awful about Vin or The Rock so that I can continue enjoying the fact that they defy nerd stereotypes and it makes me squee as if they were small fluffy animals instead of men who can lift other men up on one shoulder whilst dancing. Heeheeheee
posted by sio42 at 5:50 PM on June 12 [2 favorites]

Please tell me there's nothing particularly awful about Vin or The Rock so that I can continue enjoying the fact that they defy nerd stereotypes and it makes me squee as if they were small fluffy animals instead of men who can lift other men up on one shoulder whilst dancing.

Make a saving throw.

No, there's not.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:57 PM on June 12

If you haven’t heard already, I would be thrilled to be the one to tell you that Vin Diesel really wants to star in a new Guys and Dolls movie.
posted by nicepersonality at 6:00 PM on June 12 [4 favorites]

Oh man I keep forgetting how awesome The Toast is. Thanks for reminding me.

Also I had a friend in college who claimed that Dwayne The Rock Johnson is a distant cousin and sometimes shows up to family reunions in Vegas, guitar-in-hand.
posted by Doleful Creature at 6:31 PM on June 12

I had no idea, before this post, that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has the voice of an angel. My life, before this post, now seems wholly wasted and without worth.

By which I mean, I love this post and thank you!
posted by blessedlyndie at 6:38 PM on June 12 [1 favorite]

Speaking of defying nerd stereotypes the guy at work who always wants to have lengthy deep-dive discussions with me about D&D, beekeeping, and which Dragonlance books are worth re-reading is also championship bodybuilder and looks like A golden god.

He wants to learn guitar so he can write children's music

he is a falconer


I SWEAR I'm not making any of this up.
posted by Doleful Creature at 6:49 PM on June 12 [18 favorites]

i'm not SAYING he's probably a god in disguise but you should prolly challenge him to a game of riddles just in case
posted by elizardbits at 7:00 PM on June 12 [14 favorites]

either that or you may want to surprise him to see if he calls his mount to him (assuming he's at least a 4th level paladin) otherwise you might have to cut yourself real bad and ask for the ole laying on of hands
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:09 PM on June 12

His assistant always forwards my calls to him and knows when it’s my birthday and suggests presents for me to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson which are always perfectly attuned to my taste.

This is how I know the author identifies as a woman. You see, in my imaginary friendship with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, he shows up with Mick Foley, as Mankind, and they defeat Destro and Cobra Commander (who have been besieging my workplace, which I have been bravely defending) in a steel-cage match. After the count-out, Dwayne reaches into a cooler he had snuck into the ring to cheat with and pulls out a bottle.

"Happy birthday, dude! Beer!"

Then explosions and monster-trucks and my neighbors are forced to admit I am actually friends with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and not just making stuff up again for attention.

I may have not explained that very well.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:53 PM on June 12 [6 favorites]

My sudden and puzzling adoration of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was the clue to the fact that I had reached that mystical time in a woman's life known as her "sexual peak", said to come in her mid-thirties. I did not think I could get any peakier than my wild twenties, full of skinny guitar players just as my teens had been, but when I suddenly came to the understanding that I wanted to have all of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's babies, and also just sit around with him talking about life, that's when I understood the whole "women hit their peak around their mid-thirties" thing.

This took place right around the time that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson started appearing in a lot of live-action kid-friendly movies, when my children were at an age that they began to enjoy non-cartoon movies. Reader, we saw ALL OF THEM. Sometimes we even went during non-matinee times.

It's an incredible stroke of luck that I married a man that I originally knew as a skinny guitar player who matured into a bald muscley guy, or I'd be pretty much having to explain myself every time I suggest we watch "Tooth Fairy" for the nth time.
posted by padraigin at 8:07 PM on June 12 [3 favorites]

I find it absurdly comforting to know that other people have Imaginary Celebrity Really Good Friends like I do.

And now I feel bad that maybe I have been too much of a snob to invite Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson over to hang out and cook Thai food.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:08 PM on June 12 [3 favorites]

I have a daydream where when we're playing D&D the doorbell rings and Vin Diesel's outside being like "Uh, my car broke down, can I come in and...hey, wait, are you guys playing D&D?" and then he joins us and is like "Oh my goodness Mrs. Pterodactyl, what a creative campaign. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this and it was worth it; the gameplay is superb." And then we become good friends and Ludacris and the Rock start hanging out at our house being charming and delightful and Han from the various Fast and Furious movies realizes he's always been in love with me and Vin Diesel DMs our wedding.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:15 PM on June 12 [17 favorites]

This kind of celebrity crush is basically all of my celebrity crushes. I know I've really gone over the moon about someone when I've stopped objectifying them (well, likely just their butts) and begin crafting elaborate scenarios of deep discussions, picnics and epic times at the slightest provocation.

Imaginary Really Good Celebrity Friend Stock Fantasies, fill in whoever you want:

-On a +4 hour flight, you find yourself bumped up to first class, where you are sat next to Celebrity. Overcoming your staunch desire not to be a giant fan in their face, you introduce yourself and they respond positively. You have a good talk - comparing notes on how best to use the hot towels, etc - and when they feed you (they do that in first class) it turns out the things on your salad you don't like are the things they like, and vice versa! Suddenly you're salad swapping buddies. Later, after watching a dumb movie that Celebrity wasn't in, you fall asleep and gently nap on each other! They drool too so it's okay.

-Picnic. You teach Celebrity how to craft flower chains. They're surprisingly impressed. There's a dog and a frisbee. The potato salad is extremely delicious. You take cool sunglasses selfies and talk about the importance of finding small moments of happiness.

-Celebrity calls you up. "[Name]," they say, "I just really need a break. Let me take you out for dim sum." You leap up out of bed and are fully clothed and meeting them in -30 seconds. At the dim sum place you join an enormous chinese family who welcomes you with open arms and don't recognize Celebrity at all. You end up on an adventure that involves participating in a parade, rescuing a small child from bullies, and a makeover montage. (For Celebrity, not you. You're perfect just the way you are, they say.)
posted by Mizu at 8:26 PM on June 12 [16 favorites]

I thought I really liked Vin Diesel and Dwayne, but I'm feeling like an rank amateur at liking things here.
posted by straight at 8:44 PM on June 12 [8 favorites]

No, there's not.

Intending no disrespect, but Vin does kinda look like a giant Mini-Me and some people might view his breakdancing instruction video as less than completely cool.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:01 PM on June 12

Mr. The Rock -- that's what we call him around here -- can just do no wrong though. That is one charming motherfucker.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:02 PM on June 12 [5 favorites]

That video of him singing and playing guitar, though, it's just not fair. A lovely singing voice, slightly bashful but no false modesty, no, just smiling and pleased that we're enjoying his singing and playing, and GOD, CAN THE MAN HAVE AT LEAST A SINGLE FLAW?
posted by Harald74 at 11:49 PM on June 12 [4 favorites]

Regarding Vin Diesel, you haven't lived (as a Vin fan) until you have discovered his Facebook page, in particular the adorably cringey and inspirational photo montages he apparently makes himself. He is the 14 year old nerd we all aspire to be.
posted by fight or flight at 3:05 AM on June 13 [4 favorites]

This is surprisingly tender and earnest while also very funny. Those things make a nice smoothie sometimes.
posted by echocollate at 6:18 AM on June 13

She's a fool. Being friends with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is nothing like that.
posted by Drexen at 9:49 AM on June 13

Storm of Smegma is a lifesaver.
posted by homunculus at 12:57 AM on June 14

inspirational photo montages

omg vinbook is the only social network that matters
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:23 AM on June 14

This reminds me of something that happened to me not long ago.

So, after a night of drunken excess during which I watched The Pacifier on TV between rounds of boozy cocktails, I had a very peculiar dream in which Vin Diesel was putting together a Broadway show about Nazi's in which the show-stopping number was a sad little song by Der Fuhrer on a rainy rooftop entitled "Does Anyone Really Love Me?". Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson didn't feature in this dream, but he should have. It was a very pretty song. Vin, baby! Call me!!
posted by ninazer0 at 2:40 AM on June 15 [1 favorite]

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