[largest amount of money you can possibly comprehend, plus $14,000]

June 23, 2014 8:38 AM

[Special person A] took an [unbelievable number of weeks] paid leave from her job as a performance art archivist and digital [string of four arbitrary letters that suggest a marketing-related acronym] strategist to commit to the search. "It was scary," she whispered, "My apartment was well below market rate at $8,000 a month—how was I going to find what I needed on such a limited budget?"

-Mad Libs: New York Times Real Estate Edition
posted by griphus (25 comments total)

Realtor Fabiana Chambray-Shantung

I have found my new sock-puppet account name.
posted by enn at 8:46 AM on June 23, 2014 [12 favorites]

Ugh, synthetic fiber rugs should be illegal.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:46 AM on June 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

an 18th-century garbage barge docked off of Governor's Island, infested with nutria.

Dude a garbage barge would have mad square footage, and you can eat the Nutria.
posted by The Whelk at 8:54 AM on June 23, 2014 [8 favorites]

A great percentage of barges, these days, are infested with doge.
posted by Pudhoho at 9:00 AM on June 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh satire, when you're done right, you burn so good.
posted by orange swan at 9:09 AM on June 23, 2014 [6 favorites]

Apparently New York realtor name jokes are similar to NPR correspondent name jokes.
posted by michaelh at 9:27 AM on June 23, 2014 [3 favorites]

stopping reading the Real Estate and Styles sections of the NYT is when I realized I was an adult.
posted by JPD at 10:01 AM on June 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

I like the nyt real estate "What You Get For $_AMOUNT" section because it always predictably makes me very irritated in a brief and satisfying way. Like a rage sneeze.
posted by elizardbits at 10:26 AM on June 23, 2014 [14 favorites]

What browser are you using? Every time I try to use that feature I just get a blank page with a photo of Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross, flipping me off.
posted by griphus at 10:38 AM on June 23, 2014 [9 favorites]

it's really niche you probably haven't heard of it
posted by elizardbits at 10:46 AM on June 23, 2014 [8 favorites]

Metafilter: Performance art archivists
posted by schmod at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just got a new apartment in Chicago and to make myself feel better about the price looked to see what would be available in NYC in the same range and the first thing on the Craigslist result page was in Connecticut.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:57 AM on June 23, 2014 [16 favorites]

you should really try "unbrowsing"
posted by threeants at 11:02 AM on June 23, 2014 [3 favorites]

I just got a new apartment in Chicago and to make myself feel better about the price looked to see what would be available in NYC in the same range and the first thing on the Craigslist result page was in Connecticut.

Now check and see how big a restored Victorian house you could get for the same price here in Buffamalo. Difficulty factor: finding a job in Buffamalo.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:05 AM on June 23, 2014 [8 favorites]

/me goes out and hugs his beat-up old $200k house in the rust belt.
posted by octothorpe at 11:12 AM on June 23, 2014

"All I ask is that we're within three blocks of a Quiznos" is pretty much my main criteria for everything.
posted by Itaxpica at 11:14 AM on June 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

In Brooklyn, proximity to a Quiznos raises the rental by $400/month, easily.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:16 AM on June 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

This was hilarous and also sad since I'm about to move to SF; for all its woes, at least the NYC area has housing stock to consider.
posted by psoas at 12:05 PM on June 23, 2014

Itaxpica: ""All I ask is that we're within three blocks of a Quiznos" is pretty much my main criteria for everything."

Oh, are there no Schlotzsky's where you are?
posted by boo_radley at 12:12 PM on June 23, 2014

Finding an apartment in SF is from what I understand the New Game+ of real estate.
posted by griphus at 12:13 PM on June 23, 2014 [5 favorites]

Can't you just grease up the sidewalks in the steepest parts of town and wait for things to sort themselves out in your favour?
posted by elizardbits at 12:15 PM on June 23, 2014 [4 favorites]

Finding an apartment in SF is from what I understand the New Game+ of real estate.

It's like if you rebooted Sonic the Hedgehog and VVVVV came up.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:21 PM on June 23, 2014 [2 favorites]

FTFA:

"I feel strongly that my clients need [therapeutic modality] as much as [practical skill]," she said.
Why the brackets? It's even more realistic without them.

posted by wenestvedt at 12:51 PM on June 23, 2014 [2 favorites]

The house next door just sold to flippers for $50k. The house 2 doors from that, for $60k. Our mortgage from 10 years ago is twice that. I am envious of those of you who aren't in a decaying rust belt city with terrible schools, horrible government and awful work opportunities. I can't wait to take a loss on this house, beautiful as it is, with all the effort we've poured into it, and flee for somewhere less bleak.

Anyone want a house?

I'll even install some locally-sourced sisal for you.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:26 PM on June 23, 2014

[largest amount of money you can possibly comprehend, plus $14,000] was my favorite line in the piece, but I have to admit that I have a deep, deep love of the absurd NYT Real Estate section and read the whole stupid thing every single week.
posted by kate blank at 2:32 PM on June 23, 2014