Tic Tac Toes in My Mouth
July 2, 2014 1:57 PM   Subscribe


 
No one told me that there would be a test.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:00 PM on July 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


Is there a "Dress up like Democratic President and have hate sex with the Republican Majority leader of the Senate" option? Or Optimus Prime option?

No? Then this worksheet is useless.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:03 PM on July 2, 2014 [6 favorites]


eponydisturbing
posted by The Gaffer at 2:04 PM on July 2, 2014 [35 favorites]


Less writing, more sexing. This is nerdy to the point of silliness.
posted by dbiedny at 2:17 PM on July 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


Is there a "Dress up like Democratic President and have hate sex with the Republican Majority leader of the Senate" option? Or Optimus Prime option?

this worksheet should have a "I'm sorry I asked" exit clause
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:17 PM on July 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


I don't think it's nerdy or silly. I know people who have EXTENSIVE worksheets or discussions about negotiating kink/bdsm activities, but don't discuss (or make assumptions) about sex related activities. I think they're comparable.

I'm someone who really prefers working within discussed parameters, so this makes a lot of sense to me.

Also, when you deal with people who are of various gender identifications/presentations/etc, the section about what gender to refer to someone as, what terms to use for parts, etc can be VERY important.
posted by HermitDog at 2:25 PM on July 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


For an interactive, somewhat more thorough, and semi-blind version of the same idea, check out Mojo Upgrade (previously on Metafilter). "Semi-blind" in that it only reports an activity if both partners express interest or one partner expresses interest and the other partner expresses willingness. So theoretically you can feel free to express your kinkier interests knowing that your partner will only find out if they express a similar interest or at least willingness to try it out.

But, yeah, if you think the Autostraddle worksheet is "nerdy to the point of silliness", then Mojo Upgrade is nerdy to the point of absurdity.
posted by Sockenpuppe at 2:31 PM on July 2, 2014 [5 favorites]


This worksheet makes a lot of sense in the emerging negotiate-consent-for-everything-erotic culture. It is exactly like a more visually creative version of the old BDSM checklists/negotiation guides. The negotiate-consent model was developed in the kink communities - specifically beginning with gay leathermen in the 1970s, I think. And more fully developed in the early leatherdyke support groups (yes, these were the only clubs for the kinky lesbos in the 70s/80s, and I got banned from one for cruising for new partners!)

I'm guessing a lot of the new visual/imagery clipping narrative style is because of the web and cheap image/color printing - in the 70s, we clandestinely mimeographed them from typed manuscripts.
posted by Dreidl at 2:56 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've long meant to create something like this as a website where partyA fills in the form and hits submit. PartyB gets emailed a link and answers the same questions. Then both parties get emailed a list of the things that they agree to, but there's no hint of the stuff that only one party was up for. So, if only one of you is secretly a furry, then your secret is safe. But it also means that if your other half is also a furry but didn't want to say, because they were embarrassed, then the site has done you a favour...

not judging furries, BTW - its just the first thing I could think of that was simultaniously kinky and work safe...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 2:58 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


It reminds me a lot of purity tests, except this seems more about realistic sex practices rather than every absurd thing the author could think of.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:03 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've long meant to create something like this as a website

I'm pretty sure you just described the aforementioned Mojo Upgrade.
posted by sparklemotion at 3:10 PM on July 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


Erm... Yes. Yes, I think I may have done. Good good...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 3:16 PM on July 2, 2014


This is really great. Thanks for sharing.* I'm sure there are people who think this would take away the mystery or something, but à chacun son goût and I think I would have benefited from this in probably every relationship I've been in. I tend to be pretty private about sex and yet I would be both turned on and relieved if a partner I trusted wanted to fill something like this out together.

*I am immature enough that I NEED to let the world know that I initially typoed this as "thanks for sharting", because I am losing my shit over it now. Figuratively.
posted by threeants at 3:41 PM on July 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


Less writing, more sexing. This is nerdy to the point of silliness.

Nerdy would be looking up half the items on the list on urban dictionary because you didn't even know it existed. This is a very nice tool, although I think it lacks a bit of the STI verification process (having regular checkups and sharing the negative results)...
posted by Chuffy at 3:44 PM on July 2, 2014


Are normal people talking about this sort of thing before they have sex with someone for the first time? Because in my own experience even when both people are totally sex-positive, talking about it before actually doing it always feels sort of presumptuous even if you both know that's where things are headed fast. So the first time finding out about WOAH PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH ME THERE AGAIN, and other unique properties that I'm sure most of us have, is "in the act", which doesn't always feel so emotionally great as either partner.
posted by threeants at 3:52 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


This looks about as sexy as a tax return. If someone I were interested in asked me to fill one out I might politely attempt to play along, but it would be a pretty clear sign that sex occupies a completely different part of their brain than it does mine, and I doubt we'd ever get around to actually trying any of the activities that this worksheet calls out in such excruciatingly specific detail. I mean... the challenge for me is not to figure things out, or to help my partner figure things out, but to convince the part of my brain that uses words to shut the hell up for a while so it stops getting in the way.
posted by Mars Saxman at 3:56 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


Is that a three page checklist in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
posted by octothorpe at 4:08 PM on July 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


I just did the Mojo Upgrade (Advanced version) and it took less than 10 minutes. I did not find it "nerdy to the point of absurdity" and chose it in preference to the Worksheet because it actually seemed less exhausting than the Worksheet and God knows clicking is a better UI than printouts and paper.

Anyway, it has sent an invitation to my beloved, and it will email me again when/if he completes it. I'm pretty sure that if/when he completes it, the email it sends will say ARE YOU SURE THE TWO OF YOU ARE MARRIED? DID YOU ACTUALLY, LIKE, HAVE SEX BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO DO THAT? Despite what every Cosmo quiz ever has tried to make me believe, it's interesting how little overlap is actually required for compatibility (or maybe we're just weird. I mean, I already know at least one of us is weird...)
posted by DarlingBri at 4:34 PM on July 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


So sex is like one of those restaurants where you circle the dishes you want and which extras you want on them on the paper placemats? Uh-uh...
posted by acb at 4:43 PM on July 2, 2014


I've been acquainted with this in a more free-form style for a while now thanks to Dr. Lindsey Doe's excellent Sexplanations series. The episode covering Want/Will/Won't lists covers it in a more open and free-form way than this spreadsheet, infographic-heavy style. After watching that episode, I did some other searching and found a quite extensive Want/Will/Won't set of worksheets too.
posted by jamuraa at 4:45 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


I gave this an eye-roll when I first saw it ("gawd, what is the big deal about just TALKING to each other"), but then I remembered that not everyone had the amazing funky course on human sexuality I had with the way cool sex-positive teacher and the awesome class discussions and the thought-provoking analysis on everything from gender roles to Why People Think Kink Is Weird Anyway that I did.

This is really personal, intimate territory for all of us, and there's that much more weird stuff surrounding it, so it can be hard to spark a conversation with someone about your own sexual needs, especially if you have been trained into believing those needs are BadWeirdWrong. Some people need a brace to get them on their feet in this area, and if this helps someone down that path I say more power to it.

(Seriously, that college course was the best damn move that 19-year-old me could have possibly made. I'd only just started having sex a few months prior, after a Catholic upbringing, and it COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY blew any and all hangups I had out of the water.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:06 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


Scarleteen made one of these too. It does not have a good UI. But I am a grown adult and have at least one grown adult friend that thinks it's awesome. I dunno, I think if you think this sort of thing is like a tax return, then ok, it's not for you, it is for other people. (Intentional ambiguity wrt whether it is or is not for me! It depends.)
posted by clavicle at 5:59 PM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


"Dress up like Democratic President and have hate sex with the Republican Majority leader of the Senate"

Bi Partisan Shipping?
posted by srboisvert at 6:11 PM on July 2, 2014


This worksheet makes a lot of sense in the emerging negotiate-consent-for-everything-erotic culture.

A history of that culture might also mention Antioch College.
posted by box at 6:19 PM on July 2, 2014


Maybe I LIKE having sex with my tax returns. Don't kinkshame.
posted by delfin at 6:28 PM on July 2, 2014 [4 favorites]


Brandon Blatcher: "Is there a "Dress up like Democratic President and have hate sex with the Republican Majority leader of the Senate" option? Or Optimus Prime option?

No? Then this worksheet is useless.
"

Page three is freeform, Go Nuts!
posted by Mitheral at 8:03 PM on July 2, 2014


This worksheet makes a lot of sense in the emerging negotiate-consent-for-everything-erotic culture.

I can't imagine ever using a worksheet like this, but I think any shift, however slight, towards a culture of consent is purely for the better.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:11 PM on July 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


Aww, you don't have to literally use the worksheet as a worksheet, you can use it as a template for info to exchange verbally, if that works better for you.

The "what do you want me to call your genitals, what is okay/not as hot to call your genitals, and what never to call your genitals" struck me as particularly awesome to just put out there as a legit survey question. It's such a common disconnect, and it can be really intimidating to "correct" a partner or "get corrected" about preferred terms, especially if there's a bit of a mismatch to be negotiated. I totally remember the lightening-bolt realization that talking about that is not scary or off-putting, it's often totally sexy, or at least totally fascinating and a lovely sort of intimacy.
posted by desuetude at 11:25 PM on July 2, 2014 [5 favorites]


Actually, someone up thread compared this to a purity test, and that'd also work to spark discussion if someone needed to talk this kind of stuff out. You know - you and your object d'schmoop start out taking it together just for funnies, but as you go through the questions, that leaves room for "well, I haven't done [foo] yet! but I've kinda wanted to" or "I don't know what [baz] even is, do you?....oh that's what it is?....Oooh. Let's try THAT."

And that actually can be fun. (Hell, now I'm thinking of trying that with the guy I'm dating now and I don't have any problems expressing myself typically.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:20 AM on July 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


I remembered that not everyone had the amazing funky course on human sexuality I had with the way cool sex-positive teacher

Sounds a lot better than my high school sex ed. We got the usual 'use condoms/get tested/communicate/blahblah', but it was inadequate, at best. What stands out most vividly is the time our school counselors sat us down and showed us these huge, vivid, black and white photos of genitalia afflicted by the most severe forms of various STIs. To this day, I still don't remember the point of the exercise, as those pictures are pretty much the only thing I remember of those classes. This was at a Catholic all girls' school in NYC about 10 years ago.

Needless to say, most of what I learned about sex I learned from the internet.

My SO and I make sure to talk about everything these days, but it took us a while to get there. Something like this list would have been a huge help, at least at the start of our relationship.
posted by supermassive at 4:43 AM on July 3, 2014


This is really personal, intimate territory for all of us, and there's that much more weird stuff surrounding it, so it can be hard to spark a conversation with someone about your own sexual needs, especially if you have been trained into believing those needs are BadWeirdWrong.

Well, bingo. Even people who are generally open about their sexual wants and needs may not be inclined to rush into spilling everything off the bat. I'm pretty much vanilla-but-openminded; my partner, who is unashamedly forthright in talking about a lot of his bedroom interests (they are many and varied!), waited over a year to bring up some activities he wants to explore. There's probably more to come (so to speak) and that's fine. Communication tools like this are a boon if people are willing to incorporate them.
posted by psoas at 6:55 AM on July 3, 2014


Sounds a lot better than my high school sex ed. We got the usual 'use condoms/get tested/communicate/blahblah', but it was inadequate, at best. What stands out most vividly is the time our school counselors sat us down and showed us these huge, vivid, black and white photos of genitalia afflicted by the most severe forms of various STIs. To this day, I still don't remember the point of the exercise, as those pictures are pretty much the only thing I remember of those classes.

Yeah, this was at NYU. The professor ROCKED - the class was called "Sexual Variations", and on the first day she gave us all a very stern warning that "this isn't going to be about, like, different positions or anything"; instead, she explained, it would be all about history and psychology and gender issues and, basically, getting down into analyzing "what do we think is 'normal', why do we think it's 'normal', who decided what 'normal' is, why did they get to be the ones to decide, and why do we need a 'normal' when it comes to sex anyway". In class discussions we talked about everything from same-sex activity in non-human animals to Boston marriages to fetishes to the Kinsey studies to Madonna.

A lot of it made my head swim - I remember that I read a lot of Michel Foucault, but I couldn't tell you what I read - but it left me with a foundation of "as long as everyone in the room is down with what's going on, and is cool with it, then awesome. If it ain't my thing, I don't have to do it, that's all." I don't shriek and run away if someone tells me that they're into being flogged with a sock full of pudding, if that's their thing; but I also have no problem politely saying if something just doesn't do anything for me. I've also had a couple paramours who've said they really appreciate how willing I was to "offer coaching" the first time they got busy - I credit this course entirely with my believing that "I have a right to ask for what I want here".

heh. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and give 19-year-old me a big hug and thank her ("you don't know it, but this class will CHANGE YOUR WHOLE DAMN LIFE").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:12 AM on July 3, 2014 [3 favorites]


EmpressCallipygos, I'm now going to run for president and my platform will solely consist of making that course available to every nineteen-year-old on the planet.
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:32 AM on July 3, 2014


Mmm, I did have a foundation in "different is okay" in a general sense from my parents already, which maybe helped. There were some people who were a little harder to reach - I remember one guy who was a bit of a "frat bro" type who seemed to need a few extra explanations when it came to women's issues, and one girl who needed help getting through the homosexuality discussions (I remember at one point in class she said something like "well, it's not like there are any lesbian cats or whatever," and the teacher just drily said that maybe not, but then launched into a long list of other animals in which lesbian activity had been observed).

But I still kind of remember them growing a bit by the end, now that I think about it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:42 AM on July 3, 2014


"you don't know it, but this class will CHANGE YOUR WHOLE DAMN LIFE"

Yeah, that sounds like a really awesome class. I'm glad I know what I know now, but I wish I learned it earlier, and not in fits and starts.
posted by supermassive at 7:57 AM on July 3, 2014


* Nods * Believe me, I realize how lucky I am.

But that's why (she said, bringing things back around to the topic) worksheets like this can be really beneficial. We even talked in class about how hard it is to talk about sex (I actually did my final paper on language use to describe sex acts, and how coming up with a personal term for certain things let you exercise a measure of control on what felt uncontrollable or some bullshit like that).

Sex can be scary to talk about because it's really, really personal, and it's hard not to get wrapped up in it to the point that if someone rejects what you prefer sexually it feels like it is a rejection of your all-encompassing worth as a human being. So people can tend to stay quiet and secretive and not speak up about things and hide some of the corners of their sexual selves from each other - part of it may be because of social conditioning, but part of it is because it is so personal, and you need to be able to trust the person you're with isn't gonna freak out about it, you know? But for a lot of things, the person you're with probably wouldn't have freaked out about it anyway, and even if it is something they don't like that may not necessarily be about you in the first place, it may be more about just the way they're wired. But it still feels scary and risky, and so people tend to clam up about this.

So anything that can get people talking means they're that much more likely to discover "wait, you actually want to try [foo]? Wow, I had no idea! SWEET!" and then they boink in an awesome way and everyone's all happy. Yay!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:21 AM on July 3, 2014


Metafilter, I'd like to offer you a Cadbury Flake. *waggles eyebrows*
posted by clvrmnky at 8:57 AM on July 3, 2014


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