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Go ahead. Make him a vampire. Make them ALL vampires.
July 10, 2014 3:26 PM   Subscribe

The Worst Muse is here to help.
posted by bswinburn (52 comments total) 35 users marked this as a favorite

 
Ha, I was just quoting this to mr. wintersweet this morning, but I couldn't remember the name of the account. Now I've followed it properly.

Corgis are hot these days, right? What about, like, werecorgis? Edgy, urban werecorgis looking for love in all the wrong places.

Scrivener > New Project
posted by wintersweet at 3:29 PM on July 10 [8 favorites]


Edgy, urban werecorgis looking for love in all the wrong places.

Best Muse.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 3:29 PM on July 10 [7 favorites]


This is great.
posted by asperity at 3:37 PM on July 10


"That 'said' looks awfully lonely," he quoted admiringly..
posted by Nerd of the North at 3:37 PM on July 10 [9 favorites]


Oh man. Now I need a twitter ... er ... thing just so I can follow this.
posted by Hypocrite_Lecteur at 3:40 PM on July 10 [4 favorites]


This is wonderful.

I do wonder, however, how many truly great movies / plays sound like they could come from her.

"Robots from space and the detective who hunts them."
"This guy runs a cafe and doesn't drink then he does then nazis miss everything that is going on."
"His ghost tells him to stop being a slacker and murder his uncle, then everyone dies."
posted by poe at 3:40 PM on July 10 [8 favorites]


This is fucking hilarious and I'm sending it to my wannabe-writer Facebook friends.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:41 PM on July 10


This twitter account has 17 tweets.
posted by boo_radley at 3:45 PM on July 10 [7 favorites]


This twitter account has 17 tweets.

If you hurry you can like it before it was cool!
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 3:50 PM on July 10 [10 favorites]


William Gass invokes the worst muse* more than once in The Tunnel: "There must be muses of malfeasance and misuse who bring our our vulgar verses like a sickness, inspire our musicals and movie scripts, our lying adverts and political bios, thundering the tongue about in its mouth like a storm on a stage. Yes ... dwelling in our sewers and dumps, squalid divinities surely do remain to encourage the profanation of the absent gods."

* Trigger warning for, I don't even know, disturbing language? Misognyny? Fascism? Trigger warning: monstrous humanity.
posted by Lorin at 3:51 PM on July 10 [3 favorites]


What would Charles Bukowski do?

Deliver mail? Drink a lot? Go to the track? Not horrible advice ... unless I've been living my life all wrong?!

Now I need a twitter ... er ... thing just so I can follow this

PROTIP: Or you can just hit Ctrl-D.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:51 PM on July 10 [2 favorites]


I was just thinking earlier about how Charles Bukowski delivered mail, and maybe I should consider a career with the U.S. Postal Service while writing on the side. That might not be the best idea I ever had, though.
posted by limeonaire at 3:57 PM on July 10


Joey Buttafoucault: "If you hurry you can like it before it was cool!"

I could be it:

"Farts. Describe them in the detail Anne Rice would give to crinoline or velvet wallpapering."
"Objectivism and fantasy worlds."
"Write about your protagonist's friend of color frequently. Compare their features to fruits, nuts or mixed drinks."
posted by boo_radley at 4:06 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


I wish this existed for other creative things, too.

"Remember, don't leave any of the colors out!"

"Rule of thirds? More like RULE OF NERDS; put everything in the middle instead."

"Just do that in post."

"Instead of designing a jacket, design a jacket for a sexy astronaut...from the court of Elizabeth I."

"Five spice? How about FIFTY HUNDRED SPICE?!"
posted by peachfuzz at 4:12 PM on July 10 [13 favorites]


I've been watching this damn thing spread like wildfire across the web and I'm so glad I got a front row seat to actually watch one of these THINGS being born.,
posted by The Whelk at 4:28 PM on July 10


(also 90% sure I know who's behind it cause the Internet is only fifteen people.)
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


Go ahead and inflict that incurable and debilitating medical condition on your protagonist. It will be heart-wrenching, and readers won't mind him recovering later if you have a good reason.

There is no reason that an earthly species with many close evolutionary cousins can't have actually been seeded here by aliens quite recently.

Time travel!

Her character seems kind of flat and Mary-Sueish. You should probably have someone rape her.
posted by agentofselection at 4:43 PM on July 10 [10 favorites]


peachfuzz: "I wish this existed for other creative things, too."

From the Donald Kaufman character in Adaptation: "Because of my multiple personality theme, I've chosen the motif of broken mirrors to show my protagonist's fragmented self"
posted by mhum at 4:45 PM on July 10 [3 favorites]


Instead of designing a jacket, design a jacket for a sexy astronaut...from the court of Elizabeth I.

Oh come on how is that not amazing.
posted by winna at 4:59 PM on July 10 [3 favorites]


Go ahead and kill that character you have spent a few thousand pages making your readers identify with.
posted by shothotbot at 5:14 PM on July 10


shothotbot: "Go ahead and kill that character you have spent a few thousand pages making your readers identify with"

GRRM Muse.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:23 PM on July 10 [6 favorites]


I wish this existed for other creative things, too

The muse that visits my clients:

"A Tuscan villa will look and work just as good in a relatively urban setting ten feet from neighboring buildings and with a 3-car garage as it does on a 16th century hillside farm."

"Now that you've seen it built, you really want it to look different, right? Shouldn't cost anything to fix."
posted by LionIndex at 5:24 PM on July 10 [5 favorites]


I despise Twitter. There have only been two feeds (now departed) that I didn't hate. This is the third.

werecorgis!
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:30 PM on July 10


Written by St. Slashe of Drabble, Patron Saint of Fan Fiction
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:42 PM on July 10 [2 favorites]


Edgy, urban werecorgis looking for love in all the wrong places.
I'm picturing a movie starring Jonah Hill, Jason Alexander, and Danny DeVito.
posted by concrete at 5:53 PM on July 10 [5 favorites]


"His ghost tells him to stop being a slacker and murder his uncle, then everyone dies."

I'm pretty sure that's either Strange Brew or The Lion King. Maybe one other thing.
posted by The World Famous at 5:54 PM on July 10 [6 favorites]


You SHOULD base your protagonist on you. Disguise him by giving him really intense green eyes and an ancestral weapon. You don't have those!
The main character for a couple of my web comics is based on me. And has green eyes. The only thing lacking is the ancestral weapon. (Though, to ref the title of the fpp, the adult version looks a bit like a vampire. Or, um, Frankenstein's Bride.)

So, I'm doing it wrong. Yes? Is this what you are telling me?

blink, blink
posted by Michele in California at 5:58 PM on July 10


I'm pretty sure that Rachel Edidin copped to being the power behind the throne.
posted by wintersweet at 6:24 PM on July 10


That "said" looks awfully lonely. Maybe you should give it an adverb friend. Maybe you should give them ALL adverb friends.

This is amazing.
posted by kagredon at 6:36 PM on July 10 [5 favorites]


It's Bad Decision Dinosaur's spirit animal. Or guide?
posted by maryr at 6:49 PM on July 10 [2 favorites]


She looked into the mirror and reviewed her face, button nose - check, generous mouth - check, eyes the color of the Cuyahoga -- oozing and on fire - check.
posted by dawg-proud at 6:50 PM on July 10 [7 favorites]


It's Bad Decision Dinosaur's spirit animal. Or guide?

He is an editor.

YESSSSS
posted by kagredon at 7:00 PM on July 10 [2 favorites]


SIIIIIIIIIIIII
posted by maryr at 7:08 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


What if my protagonist just has curves in some of the right places?
posted by straight at 7:33 PM on July 10


"Her eyes were like pools - cesspools."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:44 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


That "said" looks awfully lonely. Maybe you should give it an adverb friend. Maybe you should give them ALL adverb friends.

Oh man, am I guilty of this one. I know that "said" and other dialogue tags are pretty much invisible, I rail against the overuse of adverbs or picked-from-a-thesaurus dialogue tags in other people's writing, and yet I sprinkle goddamn adverbs all over the place anyway. It's a sickness.
posted by yasaman at 8:03 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


"She had curves in all the wrong places. A gently undulating earlobe, a voluptuous spot on the front of her right thigh, and what is even going on with that shoulder seriously there are like physics being literally defied right now"
posted by threeants at 8:26 PM on July 10 [15 favorites]


Oh man, am I guilty of this one. I know that "said" and other dialogue tags are pretty much invisible, I rail against the overuse of adverbs or picked-from-a-thesaurus dialogue tags in other people's writing, and yet I sprinkle goddamn adverbs all over the place anyway. It's a sickness.

It's called a Tom Swifty.
posted by empath at 8:33 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


"She had curves 33 degrees rotated counter clockwise from all the right places, like god's protractor had slipped during her creation."
posted by bswinburn at 8:34 PM on July 10 [8 favorites]


Corgis Unleashed: the next expansion to World of Warcraft.

Well, not really.

But this looks like it will be in game: the molten corgi
posted by honestcoyote at 8:35 PM on July 10


She had curves in all the wrong places.

My Non-Euclidean Mistress of the Shadowy Depths -- Lovecraft's little-known collection of erotica.
posted by honestcoyote at 8:37 PM on July 10 [7 favorites]


If you want a little more eldritch flavor, point out that her curves do not conform to the rules of any geometry that exists in the Universe of mankind's understanding.
posted by Lou Stuells at 9:13 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


It's kinda been done.
posted by empath at 9:23 PM on July 10


“You’re not like the other girls,” he said, hesitantly. “You have no curves at all. None whatsoever, not even in the right places.”

“I don’t think I was that way before the accident,” she said, doubtfully, “but I can’t be sure. Damn this retrograde amnesia!” She turned away from him and stared into the mirror, noticing for the first time how much her left eye resembled the tumbler of water on the marble top of the vanity. With a start, she realized that the glass eye for her right socket was in the bottom of the tumbler. “Damn this retrograde amnesia,” she repeated softly.

“It’s all right, darling,” he said lovingly. “Just as long as you remember to turn in your essay on The Great Gatsby after we get back from the motel.”
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:29 PM on July 10 [16 favorites]


I'm so sad that this isn't me because I make a lot of novelty twitter accounts and then run out of jokes but they aren't this funny
posted by NoraReed at 9:45 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


Those words are so small, how will anyone know how smart you are?
posted by shothotbot at 5:22 AM on July 11 [2 favorites]


As a spinoff to Fake AP Stylebook, I ran Fake NaNoWriMo Tips during November for a few years. The entries came from the various Fake AP folks. It got followed by a lot of NaNoers.

What I discovered doing this was that there is no writing tip so awful, so cliched, so obviously terrible that SOMEONE won't respond with, "I'm going to try that!" or worse, "Already doing that!" Sometimes NaNoers would give me a taste of what they were up to.

After three years of this I couldn't take it any more and stopped. So I'm glad someone is doing this, but gladder still it's not me.
posted by Legomancer at 6:03 AM on July 11


"Instead of designing a jacket, design a jacket for a sexy astronaut...from the court of Elizabeth I."

I'm pretty sure this was an episode of Project Runway.
posted by catalytics at 6:46 AM on July 11 [2 favorites]


I love Bad Muse in both idea and execution, but even if I didn't, I would have to thank it for making the bad muse that already exists in my head seem less bad by comparison.

"Instead of designing a jacket, design a jacket for a sexy astronaut...from the court of Elizabeth I."

I'm pretty sure this was an episode of Project Runway.


Attention fledgling designers:

There is no doubt in my mind that I would desire that jacket. Maybe I wouldn't be able to afford it. Maybe I wouldn't buy it because I would be afraid I couldn't pull it off. But I'm sure I would want it.

Make it work.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:20 AM on July 11 [2 favorites]


She had curves in no places. No places at all. All of her was straight lines and rectangles. It was then I realised that this was not in fact Julia but evil robot Julia come to horrifically murder me, but by then it was too late her head was coming apart and the mechanical knives extending from her fingers were boring themselves into the deepest regions of my skull, oh the pain oh the agony
posted by eykal at 9:14 AM on July 11 [3 favorites]


eykal: "oh the pain oh the agony"

"as she began the brain-flaying, my last thought was 'I can still change her'."
posted by boo_radley at 10:30 AM on July 11 [2 favorites]


Love it!

And it can't be too bad a muse, because it's pushed me into executing that Oblique Strategies parody I've been kicking around.

I give you: Bleeq Strategies.
posted by Iridic at 1:39 PM on July 11 [4 favorites]


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