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July 17, 2014 12:46 PM Subscribe
Which early Christian heresy are you?
Yes, it's one of those internet quizzes.
Unlike other quizzes you may have answered, this one involves logico-rhetorical fallacies, theories of God, pomegranates, obscure Scandinavian composers, and the Council of Chalcedon. You may or may not learn something about early Christian heresies.
Yes, it's one of those internet quizzes.
Unlike other quizzes you may have answered, this one involves logico-rhetorical fallacies, theories of God, pomegranates, obscure Scandinavian composers, and the Council of Chalcedon. You may or may not learn something about early Christian heresies.
Lo, the Lord grew angry with Uquiz, and smote its server. Or my connection is just slow.
posted by mittens at 12:52 PM on July 17, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by mittens at 12:52 PM on July 17, 2014 [19 favorites]
I'm not sure that's a heresy so much as a good idea, elizardbits.
posted by gingerbeer at 12:52 PM on July 17, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by gingerbeer at 12:52 PM on July 17, 2014 [16 favorites]
Gosh, I hope I'm a gnostic. If I'm not, then all that time I spent reading Philip K. Dick as a kid was just wasted.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:52 PM on July 17, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:52 PM on July 17, 2014 [13 favorites]
I don't think sodomy is a heresy. You're sadly going to have to settle for Pelagianism or Nonhomoousianism.
posted by Thing at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Thing at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Aww, don't ask me to choose what my favorite logical fallacy is! I love them all!
posted by aubilenon at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by aubilenon at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm still chuckling at "Phlogiston Awareness Week."
posted by HumanComplex at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by HumanComplex at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I feel as though colonizing this lemon will come back to haunt me.
posted by elizardbits at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Gosh, I hope I'm a gnostic. If I'm not, then all that time I spent reading Philip K. Dick as a kid was just wasted.
What are you talking about? Who's "Philip K. Dick"? And of course you're gnostic, we all are.
cue X-Files Theme
posted by griphus at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
What are you talking about? Who's "Philip K. Dick"? And of course you're gnostic, we all are.
cue X-Files Theme
posted by griphus at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
ugh im an imperialist swine
posted by elizardbits at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 12:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
My whole life I have been waiting to combine my love of Internet quizzes with my love of Early Christian Heresies! WHY WON'T YOU LOAD SITE?!
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:55 PM on July 17, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:55 PM on July 17, 2014 [16 favorites]
Your mother's a Manichean
(it won't load for me either)
posted by scody at 12:56 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
(it won't load for me either)
posted by scody at 12:56 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
My whole life I have been waiting to combine my love of Internet quizzes with my love of Early Christian Heresies! WHY WON'T YOU LOAD SITE?!
Because everyone else on the entire internet has also been waiting their whole life for those two things.
posted by aubilenon at 12:57 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Because everyone else on the entire internet has also been waiting their whole life for those two things.
posted by aubilenon at 12:57 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Come on Pelagianism. I wasn't raised UCC for nothing!
posted by khaibit at 12:58 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by khaibit at 12:58 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
Phlogiston gets a bad rap. It's a perfectly reasonable theory that just happens to be wrong on every point.
posted by Thing at 12:58 PM on July 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Thing at 12:58 PM on July 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Aww, don't ask me to choose what my favorite logical fallacy is! I love them all!
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:59 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:59 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Origenism for certain. (Is that an option. I hope it is.)
posted by oddman at 1:00 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by oddman at 1:00 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I find the council's attempt to impose uniform doctrinal standards inherently imperialist.
welp
posted by elizardbits at 1:01 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
welp
posted by elizardbits at 1:01 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
What are you talking about? Who's "Philip K. Dick"? And of course you're gnostic, we all are.
Pardon, when I said "Philip K. Dick," I meant Horselover Abendsen, that alternate-history writer with the books set in a universe where Emperor Constantine successfully convened a council in 325 that established a uniform Christian doctrine called the Nicene Creed.
His stuff is really weird. Like, for example, in his novels Arianism is a heresy.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:02 PM on July 17, 2014 [14 favorites]
Pardon, when I said "Philip K. Dick," I meant Horselover Abendsen, that alternate-history writer with the books set in a universe where Emperor Constantine successfully convened a council in 325 that established a uniform Christian doctrine called the Nicene Creed.
His stuff is really weird. Like, for example, in his novels Arianism is a heresy.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:02 PM on July 17, 2014 [14 favorites]
Apparently my heresy is 504 Gateway Timeout!
posted by rtha at 1:03 PM on July 17, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by rtha at 1:03 PM on July 17, 2014 [17 favorites]
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
Isn't this an example of affirming the consequent??
posted by aubilenon at 1:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Isn't this an example of affirming the consequent??
posted by aubilenon at 1:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Aww, don't ask me to choose what my favorite logical fallacy is! I love them all!
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
I picked the Gambler's Fallacy. It's bound to pay off this time.
posted by griphus at 1:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [39 favorites]
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
I picked the Gambler's Fallacy. It's bound to pay off this time.
posted by griphus at 1:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [39 favorites]
You are Montanism!
Hm
Their prophets dyed their hair, stained their eyelids, and were allowed to play with tables and dice and lend on usury
okay then
posted by elizardbits at 1:06 PM on July 17, 2014 [19 favorites]
Hm
Their prophets dyed their hair, stained their eyelids, and were allowed to play with tables and dice and lend on usury
okay then
posted by elizardbits at 1:06 PM on July 17, 2014 [19 favorites]
Apparently my heresy is 504 Gateway Timeout!
Pretender! The true heresy is 503 Service Temporarily Unavailable!
posted by Thorzdad at 1:07 PM on July 17, 2014 [18 favorites]
Pretender! The true heresy is 503 Service Temporarily Unavailable!
posted by Thorzdad at 1:07 PM on July 17, 2014 [18 favorites]
I like to think of myself as a modern Christian heresy.
posted by malocchio at 1:08 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by malocchio at 1:08 PM on July 17, 2014
I would assume all of them
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
509 Bandwidth Limit Exceeded burns you both at the stake.
posted by elizardbits at 1:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 1:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
didn't we used to have a name for this... the metafilter hug?
posted by rebent at 1:13 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by rebent at 1:13 PM on July 17, 2014
Service Temporarily Unavailable
The server is temporarily unable to service your request due to maintenance downtime or capacity problems. Please try again later.
Uh, after patiently waiting a minute for each and every question to move along, I will not be revisiting 1982 300 baud patience tests again "later."
MeFi gots dis all blowed up.
Bye
posted by CrowGoat at 1:13 PM on July 17, 2014
The server is temporarily unable to service your request due to maintenance downtime or capacity problems. Please try again later.
Uh, after patiently waiting a minute for each and every question to move along, I will not be revisiting 1982 300 baud patience tests again "later."
MeFi gots dis all blowed up.
Bye
posted by CrowGoat at 1:13 PM on July 17, 2014
It took 30 minutes but I finished!
Antinomianism teaches that, since salvation is by faith alone, Christians are under no obligation to obey any moral law.
If anyone needs me, I'll be out doing crimes.
posted by aubilenon at 1:19 PM on July 17, 2014 [17 favorites]
Antinomianism teaches that, since salvation is by faith alone, Christians are under no obligation to obey any moral law.
If anyone needs me, I'll be out doing crimes.
posted by aubilenon at 1:19 PM on July 17, 2014 [17 favorites]
Final Result:
Pelagianism
You are Pelagianism!
Named after its most famous proponent, the British monk Pelagius, Pelagianism taught that human nature is not compromised by original sin and that the will is therefore capable of choosing to follow the moral good without God's aid. Pelagius's fiercest opponent was St Augustine of Hippo, whose writings insisted upon the reality of original sin and the need for divine grace to perform any good works. Augustine's position won out over that of Pelagius, and Pelagianism was condemned as a heresy by the Council of Carthage in 418, a decision that was confirmed at the Council of Ephesus in 431. Despite this apparent victory for Augustinianism, the precise relationship between grace and free will remained controversial, and a variety of "semi-Pelagian" positions were taught throughout the fifth and early sixth centuries.
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 1:22 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
I got antinomianism, too! Let's go do crimes!
posted by gingerbeer at 1:22 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by gingerbeer at 1:22 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Let's go eat some sushi and not pay for it!
posted by Pudhoho at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by Pudhoho at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014 [10 favorites]
Man mine was just some boring thing about Jesus not being as cool as god or something
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014
The site crashed for me. I guess they sent in Germanus before I could finish.
posted by Thing at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Thing at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
i wanna do crimes
posted by elizardbits at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
stupid lemon
posted by elizardbits at 1:24 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 1:24 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
What a delightful panoply of errors!
It'd be pleasing if we could re-imbue the digital version of "error" with some of the pre-modern sense of moral and religious failure, or indeed of heresy. For theyre Servers were awash in Error, and in theyre fallen State Five-Oh-Three'd more than they Functionned...
posted by RogerB at 1:26 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
It'd be pleasing if we could re-imbue the digital version of "error" with some of the pre-modern sense of moral and religious failure, or indeed of heresy. For theyre Servers were awash in Error, and in theyre fallen State Five-Oh-Three'd more than they Functionned...
posted by RogerB at 1:26 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Heresy? Blimey, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:27 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:27 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another one for Pelagianism here. I exercise my free moral choice to start a Pelaginian street gang.
posted by vibrotronica at 1:27 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by vibrotronica at 1:27 PM on July 17, 2014
Man mine was just some boring thing about Jesus not being as cool as god or somethingThat kind of sounds like mine - did you get Arianism?
posted by Flunkie at 1:28 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
That's ad mominem, surely.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:29 PM on July 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
That's ad mominem, surely.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:29 PM on July 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
Arianism? Really quiz? Is that what you think of me? I'm so disappointed in myself.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:29 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:29 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I forget, which of these was Trotsky purged for?
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:35 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:35 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
Ooh maybe I'll be a Cathar
posted by en forme de poire at 1:36 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by en forme de poire at 1:36 PM on July 17, 2014
I like that you get a summary of your answers at the bottom of the results page, but I wish these quizzes would let you see all of the possible results.
posted by oddman at 1:40 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by oddman at 1:40 PM on July 17, 2014
Ooh maybe I'll be a Cathar
hey guys it's crusadin' time
posted by elizardbits at 1:42 PM on July 17, 2014
hey guys it's crusadin' time
posted by elizardbits at 1:42 PM on July 17, 2014
Ooh maybe I'll be a Cathar
Only if you're a time-traveling early Christian heretic...
posted by Jahaza at 1:43 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Only if you're a time-traveling early Christian heretic...
posted by Jahaza at 1:43 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I like that you get a summary of your answers at the bottom of the results page, but I wish these quizzes would let you see all of the possible results.
You must be a Gnostic.
posted by Thing at 1:44 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
You must be a Gnostic.
posted by Thing at 1:44 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I got Nestorianism. Not sure if it was worth the wait.
posted by ursus_comiter at 1:48 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by ursus_comiter at 1:48 PM on July 17, 2014
You are Montanism! Fuck that noise! I'd be down with Pelagianism though.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:48 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:48 PM on July 17, 2014
Gah... I gave up. The web server is apparently considering adopting quietism.
posted by Jahaza at 1:53 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by Jahaza at 1:53 PM on July 17, 2014
I got Docetism, which is wrong, as Fascicle 5 of the Montpellier Codex clearly endorses Sabellianism. (Actually I was simply rooting for Sabellianism. Oh well.)
posted by Hactar at 1:55 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by Hactar at 1:55 PM on July 17, 2014
Another Pelagianism here. Go Pelagius!
posted by TheophileEscargot at 1:57 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by TheophileEscargot at 1:57 PM on July 17, 2014
Docetism. I choose to take this as meaning I am an illusionist, and therefore I can cast Prismatic Spray.
posted by graymouser at 1:59 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by graymouser at 1:59 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I was going to host a site like this, but I couldn't figure out how to put a TI-99/4a with an acoustical modem on Neptune.
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:03 PM on July 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:03 PM on July 17, 2014 [7 favorites]
Antinomianism
Antinomianism teaches that, since salvation is by faith alone, Christians are under no obligation to obey any moral law.
It's like I'm a privately held Christian corporation!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [12 favorites]
Antinomianism teaches that, since salvation is by faith alone, Christians are under no obligation to obey any moral law.
It's like I'm a privately held Christian corporation!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [12 favorites]
I am sad that "ad baculum" was not an option for logico-rhetorical fallacy.
posted by Zalzidrax at 2:10 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Zalzidrax at 2:10 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm taking it right now. It's very, very slow.
I'm going to persevere!
posted by Jalliah at 2:25 PM on July 17, 2014
Well it took a while, but I too got Pelagianism.
I know it's just for fun, but I really hate quizzes like this. I already know I'm a heretic, but I'm genuinely curious about how my personal theology fits into the named heresies. A bunch of questions that don't really have anything to do with anything are unlikely to elucidate my beliefs in a way that the result is valid.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:32 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
I know it's just for fun, but I really hate quizzes like this. I already know I'm a heretic, but I'm genuinely curious about how my personal theology fits into the named heresies. A bunch of questions that don't really have anything to do with anything are unlikely to elucidate my beliefs in a way that the result is valid.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:32 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Only if you're a time-traveling early Christian heretic...
THE BEST KIND.
Unfortunately I turned out to be a Pelagian instead. Knew I should have picked a different fascicle of the Montpellier Codex.
posted by en forme de poire at 2:32 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
THE BEST KIND.
Unfortunately I turned out to be a Pelagian instead. Knew I should have picked a different fascicle of the Montpellier Codex.
posted by en forme de poire at 2:32 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Monophysitism. Certainly not the most colourful heresy, I guess? Now off to find less mainstream quizzes to try!
posted by Harald74 at 2:36 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by Harald74 at 2:36 PM on July 17, 2014
The one true fascicle is #3, everyone knows that.
posted by elizardbits at 2:41 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 2:41 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
everyone who isn't an idolatrous dissident i mean
posted by elizardbits at 2:42 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 2:42 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
The heresy here is the "Proust is overrated" choice. Pick that one, and it's hell for you.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:42 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:42 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I picked the overrated one!!
Going to hell as a Pelagian I guess.
posted by Jalliah at 2:45 PM on July 17, 2014
Going to hell as a Pelagian I guess.
posted by Jalliah at 2:45 PM on July 17, 2014
Going to hell as a Pelagian I guess.
No, just the hell of reading 19th C literature. Imagine, if you will, a volume of Wilkie Collins falling on a human face forever.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:49 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
No, just the hell of reading 19th C literature. Imagine, if you will, a volume of Wilkie Collins falling on a human face forever.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:49 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
You are Antinomianism!
Looks like we've got a pretty good gang of thugs here on the Blue.
The Bavarian Model Airplane and Gnu Wrestling Association will soon benefit from the spoils of my plunder.
posted by Mystical Potato Head at 2:56 PM on July 17, 2014
Looks like we've got a pretty good gang of thugs here on the Blue.
The Bavarian Model Airplane and Gnu Wrestling Association will soon benefit from the spoils of my plunder.
posted by Mystical Potato Head at 2:56 PM on July 17, 2014
Arianism? Really quiz? Is that what you think of me? I'm so disappointed in myself.
Arians (probably because most of them were archaic Germans) had some of the best names, though: Odoacer, Grimwald, Thrasamund, Sigisvultus, Fritigern, etc.
Anyway, I got Docetism, which frankly owns hard. Who knew that Christ was so much like David Copperfield or a Euripidean plot device?:
"Docetism (literally, "to seem-ism") is the belief that Christ only seemed to be human and that his physical body was an illusion. Because he did not possess a physical body, Jesus's death on the cross could not really have taken place, and his apparent suffering was also illusory. Another variety of docetism held that Jesus was a normal human being but that Christ was an immaterial spirit who entered his body at his baptism, gave him the power to perform supernatural acts, and then abandoned him prior to the crucifixion, perhaps by switching bodies with Simon of Cyrene. Docetist Christology was criticized by a number of early Christian theologians, and was definitively condemned by the Council of Nicaea."
posted by Copronymus at 2:57 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Arians (probably because most of them were archaic Germans) had some of the best names, though: Odoacer, Grimwald, Thrasamund, Sigisvultus, Fritigern, etc.
Anyway, I got Docetism, which frankly owns hard. Who knew that Christ was so much like David Copperfield or a Euripidean plot device?:
"Docetism (literally, "to seem-ism") is the belief that Christ only seemed to be human and that his physical body was an illusion. Because he did not possess a physical body, Jesus's death on the cross could not really have taken place, and his apparent suffering was also illusory. Another variety of docetism held that Jesus was a normal human being but that Christ was an immaterial spirit who entered his body at his baptism, gave him the power to perform supernatural acts, and then abandoned him prior to the crucifixion, perhaps by switching bodies with Simon of Cyrene. Docetist Christology was criticized by a number of early Christian theologians, and was definitively condemned by the Council of Nicaea."
posted by Copronymus at 2:57 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Antinomianism
You would think if I was Antinomianism, I would have skipped ahead through the questions, ignoring the logic and strictures of the quiz. But I dutifully followed the very slowly loading pages. I call shenanigans.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:01 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
You would think if I was Antinomianism, I would have skipped ahead through the questions, ignoring the logic and strictures of the quiz. But I dutifully followed the very slowly loading pages. I call shenanigans.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:01 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Arianism, all day, every day. I don't need a quiz to tell me that. I mean, really, who hasn't already decided what early Christian heresy they are? This quiz is all late.
posted by nooneyouknow at 3:16 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by nooneyouknow at 3:16 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yay! Sabellianism! I'm quite thrilled because I never liked singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" much when I was a kid in church. The one with the fountains filled with blood was much more enjoyable.
Hmmm. These hymns would probably make for a good quiz. Rate a set of hymns and the divine machine will determine your favored theology.
Though I'm not sure why Sabellianism. Maybe because the flamethrower was a disproportionate response and therefore the trinity is only confusion.
posted by honestcoyote at 3:24 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Hmmm. These hymns would probably make for a good quiz. Rate a set of hymns and the divine machine will determine your favored theology.
Though I'm not sure why Sabellianism. Maybe because the flamethrower was a disproportionate response and therefore the trinity is only confusion.
posted by honestcoyote at 3:24 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
I got monophysitism, which is interesting, because last night I fell down a wiki-hole starting with looking up the concept of Hudna, after reading about a proposal to end the current Gaza situation, the chain then happened:
Hudna->Treaty of Hudaybiyyah->Quraysh tribe->Banu Hashim->Family tree of Muhammad->Qedarite->(leading to a bunch of begots and shit like that down to Noah and back up again)->Ishmaelites->Nebaioth->Arabic poetry->Pre-Islamic Arabia->(a whole crapton of other stuff including Arab Christians, Anno Mundi, and then back to Terah (father of Abraham))->Ur->Chaldea->Haran->Canaan->St. Stephen->Oriental Orthodoxy->Nestorius->Eutyches->MONOPHYSITISM!!!!
Mostly, what I figured from last nights meanderings is that a few thousand years later the world is kinda fucked because what amounts to an incestuous nomadic desert clan couldn't get the fuck along and sided with empires against each other way back when and as their relations spread, they kept at it and their myths branched out and they're still fighting to this day though they gave themselves different mythologies along the way, but they all trace themselves back to one fucking family from one dude waaaaaaaay back.
It'd be like if the hatfield/mccoy feud kept it up and somehow in the year 5000+/- there were a group of people who continued to pummel each other with laser guns and anti-gravity pods smashing into space-elevators, and damn it's all a bit depressing.
Poor poor Copts.
posted by symbioid at 3:25 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Hudna->Treaty of Hudaybiyyah->Quraysh tribe->Banu Hashim->Family tree of Muhammad->Qedarite->(leading to a bunch of begots and shit like that down to Noah and back up again)->Ishmaelites->Nebaioth->Arabic poetry->Pre-Islamic Arabia->(a whole crapton of other stuff including Arab Christians, Anno Mundi, and then back to Terah (father of Abraham))->Ur->Chaldea->Haran->Canaan->St. Stephen->Oriental Orthodoxy->Nestorius->Eutyches->MONOPHYSITISM!!!!
Mostly, what I figured from last nights meanderings is that a few thousand years later the world is kinda fucked because what amounts to an incestuous nomadic desert clan couldn't get the fuck along and sided with empires against each other way back when and as their relations spread, they kept at it and their myths branched out and they're still fighting to this day though they gave themselves different mythologies along the way, but they all trace themselves back to one fucking family from one dude waaaaaaaay back.
It'd be like if the hatfield/mccoy feud kept it up and somehow in the year 5000+/- there were a group of people who continued to pummel each other with laser guns and anti-gravity pods smashing into space-elevators, and damn it's all a bit depressing.
Poor poor Copts.
posted by symbioid at 3:25 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
The one with the fountains filled with blood was much more enjoyable.
Cowper! Always a delight.
posted by elizardbits at 3:30 PM on July 17, 2014
Cowper! Always a delight.
posted by elizardbits at 3:30 PM on July 17, 2014
I'm timed out too, but I don't regret it too much, since I'm betting they don't have my favorite early heresy, that of the Circumcellions:
posted by languagehat at 3:44 PM on July 17, 2014 [22 favorites]
The Circumcellions were a Christian suicide cult of the fourth and fifth centuries. Their religious practice consisted of delivering random beatings to strangers along the road, with the purpose of goading the strangers into killing them. If that didn’t work, they just threw themselves off a cliff instead.[...]I think you'll all agree that that is hardcore.
Sociologically, the Circumcellions were the Roman equivalent of trailer trash — rural, uneducated and less-than-notable in terms of contribution to the gross national product. The only job of a Circumcellion was simply “being a Circumcellion.” Despite this, members of the sect didn’t starve to death… because that would take too long.[...]
According to the gospels, Jesus told Peter to put away his sword in the Garden of Gethsemane, shortly before the Crucifixion. Many Christians have taken this command as an injunction to nonviolence and evidence of Christ’s pacifism.
The Circumcellions, on the other hand, took this passage to mean that they shouldn’t use bladed weapons. Instead, they favored large clubs, which they inexplicably called “Israelites.”
Using their “Israelites,” the Circumcellions whacked their victims around in the hopes of provoking their own martyrdom, all the while shouting “Praise the Lord!” in Latin[...]
posted by languagehat at 3:44 PM on July 17, 2014 [22 favorites]
You're sadly going to have to settle for Pelagianism or Nonhomoousianism.
But I love hummus!
posted by goethean at 3:48 PM on July 17, 2014
But I love hummus!
posted by goethean at 3:48 PM on July 17, 2014
The one with the fountains filled with blood was much more enjoyable.Cowper! Always a delight.
Sadly unrelated to the Cowper with the eponymous glands and fluid.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
The one with the fountains filled with blood was much more enjoyable.
I didn't know that Aretha Franklin had a black metal side-project...
posted by ennui.bz at 3:54 PM on July 17, 2014
I didn't know that Aretha Franklin had a black metal side-project...
posted by ennui.bz at 3:54 PM on July 17, 2014
If God exists and is both all-powerful and perfectly good, why is there something rather than nothing?
I appreciate linking theodicy to the problem of existence and the implication introduced by doing so in this way.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 3:59 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I appreciate linking theodicy to the problem of existence and the implication introduced by doing so in this way.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 3:59 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
I got "intaglio".
posted by boo_radley at 4:03 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by boo_radley at 4:03 PM on July 17, 2014
I found a couple more by the same guy in exactly the same vein, all of which I also loved. The writing style reminded me a lot of the old Holy Office Livejournal, or maybe Got Medieval. Anyway, the rest of the corpus:
Which Mid-Twentieth-Century Anglican Theologian Are You? - I got William Temple!
Which Obscure Renaissance Composer Are You? - I got Jo. Viardot! (Worth it for the Josquin question alone)
Which Preces and Responses Setting Are You? - I got Plainsong Responses!
posted by Copronymus at 4:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Which Mid-Twentieth-Century Anglican Theologian Are You? - I got William Temple!
Which Obscure Renaissance Composer Are You? - I got Jo. Viardot! (Worth it for the Josquin question alone)
Which Preces and Responses Setting Are You? - I got Plainsong Responses!
posted by Copronymus at 4:04 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
I wish there were more possible answers for "if god is all-powerful and perfectly good, why is there something rather than nothing?" Because it's a really good question.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:07 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:07 PM on July 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
languagehat gives me a smile for using the rotten library! there's so much treasure in that thing. a shame they don't update it anymore.
posted by gorestainedrunes at 4:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by gorestainedrunes at 4:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I wish there were more possible answers for "if god is all-powerful and perfectly good, why is there something rather than nothing?" Because it's a really good question.
In a similar vein, there were at least some Stoics who believed that everything in the universe happened in the best possible way. They also believed that the universe began in fire and ended in fire, from which a new universe would arise. But, since everything happened in the best possible way, the new universe would be exactly the same as the old universe. It's like multiple predesination!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:11 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
In a similar vein, there were at least some Stoics who believed that everything in the universe happened in the best possible way. They also believed that the universe began in fire and ended in fire, from which a new universe would arise. But, since everything happened in the best possible way, the new universe would be exactly the same as the old universe. It's like multiple predesination!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:11 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Gosh, this apocalyptic firestorm in which I am currently perishing sure is the best of all possible apocalyptic firestorms in which to perish.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:16 PM on July 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:16 PM on July 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
"if god is all-powerful and perfectly good, why is there something rather than nothing?" Because it's a really good question.
Right, I mean obviously nothing would be better than something.
posted by aubilenon at 4:19 PM on July 17, 2014
Right, I mean obviously nothing would be better than something.
posted by aubilenon at 4:19 PM on July 17, 2014
Nothing lasts forever! Nothing is worth fighting for! Yes, we have no bananas!
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:22 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:22 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Big fan of Ture Rangström's 1923 smash 'Hellö It's Me.'
posted by mintcake! at 4:44 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by mintcake! at 4:44 PM on July 17, 2014
Nothing is DEFINITELY better than broccoli or other cruciferous vegetables.
posted by symbioid at 4:47 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by symbioid at 4:47 PM on July 17, 2014
Pelagian here, I never did like St. Augustine, screwed anything that moved when young then got religion when he got old and condemned everyone else.
posted by mermayd at 5:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mermayd at 5:09 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, he was a total shit to his girlfriend. That's a dealbreaker.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:17 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:17 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
I forget, which of these was Trotsky purged for?
You mean gloriously martyred:
"Note how Christian, nationalist, communist and internationalist symbols blend in this work. The whole composition is unmistakeably Christian. The golden star behind Trotsky's head looks like a saintly halo, but the red star on his shield bears the communist hammer and sickle. He is dressed in a stylised suit of armour of a Russian medieval warrior – a nationalist symbol, but has red stars on boots and shoulders. The dragon wears a silky top hat, a traditional image in Soviet art for depicting bourgeois enemies."
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:18 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
You mean gloriously martyred:
"Note how Christian, nationalist, communist and internationalist symbols blend in this work. The whole composition is unmistakeably Christian. The golden star behind Trotsky's head looks like a saintly halo, but the red star on his shield bears the communist hammer and sickle. He is dressed in a stylised suit of armour of a Russian medieval warrior – a nationalist symbol, but has red stars on boots and shoulders. The dragon wears a silky top hat, a traditional image in Soviet art for depicting bourgeois enemies."
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:18 PM on July 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
I went with ad hominem because I say "your mom" a lot
That's ad mominem, surely.
Only in Philadelphia, and it perforce includes your mothers friends.
posted by evilDoug at 5:46 PM on July 17, 2014
That's ad mominem, surely.
Only in Philadelphia, and it perforce includes your mothers friends.
posted by evilDoug at 5:46 PM on July 17, 2014
What, no mention of Carlyle's crack that Christendom tore itself to pieces over a diphthong?
posted by Chrysostom at 5:47 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by Chrysostom at 5:47 PM on July 17, 2014
I am really surprised that Subgeniusism actually rises to the level of "heresy" but I'm pleased I got it.
Praise Bob!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:49 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
Praise Bob!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:49 PM on July 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
i got Arianism and i'm okay with that. i have long been fascinated with Alexandria. and it sounds like a fairly reasonable heresy.
posted by lapolla at 7:09 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by lapolla at 7:09 PM on July 17, 2014
The Circumcellions were a Christian suicide cult of the fourth and fifth centuries. Their religious practice consisted of delivering random beatings to strangers along the road, with the purpose of goading the strangers into killing them.
Sounds kind of like Fight Club?
posted by A dead Quaker at 8:02 PM on July 17, 2014
Sounds kind of like Fight Club?
posted by A dead Quaker at 8:02 PM on July 17, 2014
Now that I've got it to load, well...hmm. Really, I couldn't be more anti-antinomianistic.
posted by malocchio at 9:03 PM on July 17, 2014
posted by malocchio at 9:03 PM on July 17, 2014
So, just for kicks, I entered my name as Montanus (one of the only early heretics I know)... and got Montanism.
This quiz is freaking me out, man.
posted by Rangeboy at 10:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
This quiz is freaking me out, man.
posted by Rangeboy at 10:54 PM on July 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
The Circumcellions sound like ancient Juggalos.
posted by gingerest at 11:10 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 11:10 PM on July 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Forget heresy, I'm a loud and proud infidel.
Me and my well-armed posse are poised and growling at your gates.
Enjoy!
posted by Pudhoho at 2:01 AM on July 18, 2014
Me and my well-armed posse are poised and growling at your gates.
Enjoy!
posted by Pudhoho at 2:01 AM on July 18, 2014
I don't think sodomy is a heresy. You're sadly going to have to settle for Pelagianism or Nonhomoousianism.
Would-be sodomites could always opt for Bogomilism. The religious establishment accused the Bogomils of committing sodomy so much that the word "buggery" is believed to have derived from Bulgaria and the Bogomils who were located there.
posted by jonp72 at 6:56 AM on July 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Would-be sodomites could always opt for Bogomilism. The religious establishment accused the Bogomils of committing sodomy so much that the word "buggery" is believed to have derived from Bulgaria and the Bogomils who were located there.
posted by jonp72 at 6:56 AM on July 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Which Obscure Renaissance Composer Are You?
oh no this one is delightful as well and just as slow
posted by elizardbits at 7:02 AM on July 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
oh no this one is delightful as well and just as slow
posted by elizardbits at 7:02 AM on July 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
this triceratops is a jerk
posted by elizardbits at 7:02 AM on July 18, 2014
posted by elizardbits at 7:02 AM on July 18, 2014
Welp, I'm the third Monophysite Mefite.
I like it.
Fascicle 2, obviously, because it's in French, and has triple motets (woohoo) and counterpoint. Ha! Didn't think to ask about the musical interest of them, DID YOU! Heretics.
Chuang Tse:
posted by fraula at 7:36 AM on July 18, 2014
I like it.
Fascicle 2, obviously, because it's in French, and has triple motets (woohoo) and counterpoint. Ha! Didn't think to ask about the musical interest of them, DID YOU! Heretics.
Chuang Tse:
He who understands the music of heaven lives in accordance with nature in his life and takes part in the process of change of things in his death. In repose, his character is in harmony with the yin principle; in activity, his movement is in harmony with the yang principle. Therefore he who understands the music of heaven is not blamed by heaven or criticized by men. [...] It is said, "In action he is like heaven. In repose he is like the earth [...] Because his mind has found repose, therefore the creation pays homage to him."More Chuang Tse on music
posted by fraula at 7:36 AM on July 18, 2014
You are Pynchon!
A 1560 print of three-voice motets and chansons by Phalèse contains the motet "Summe Deus regnorum," with the single attribution to "Pynchon" (no last name). It is not known for certain whether this composer can be identified with the "Thomas Pinchon" whose six-voice motet "Confisus domino tua" appears in two late sixteenth-century German sources; a preliminary stylistic analysis suggests that the two are probably not the same composer. It is unlikely that either composer can be identified with the American novelist Thomas Pynchon.
I don't even have a wikipedia entry, dammit.
posted by elizardbits at 7:38 AM on July 18, 2014
A 1560 print of three-voice motets and chansons by Phalèse contains the motet "Summe Deus regnorum," with the single attribution to "Pynchon" (no last name). It is not known for certain whether this composer can be identified with the "Thomas Pinchon" whose six-voice motet "Confisus domino tua" appears in two late sixteenth-century German sources; a preliminary stylistic analysis suggests that the two are probably not the same composer. It is unlikely that either composer can be identified with the American novelist Thomas Pynchon.
I don't even have a wikipedia entry, dammit.
posted by elizardbits at 7:38 AM on July 18, 2014
Which Obscure Renaissance Composer Are You? yesssss I have been waiting for this one. And there are actually two amazing bits about Josquin.
And I am...
H. Hagenperger
You are H. Hagenperger!
The motet "Saepe expugnaverunt me" is the only known work by the composer known only as "H. Hagenperger." This motet is found in a single manuscript partbook thought to have been copied in Augsburg in the 1540s and now housed in the university library in Munich. Details about this composer, such as what "H." stands for, may well be revealed by future archival research, but unless other partbooks from the same set are recovered it is extremely unlikely that "Saepe expugnaverunt me" will ever be sung again.
Damn, that's hella obscure - doesn't get more minimal than one voice part of one motet.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:31 AM on July 18, 2014
And I am...
H. Hagenperger
You are H. Hagenperger!
The motet "Saepe expugnaverunt me" is the only known work by the composer known only as "H. Hagenperger." This motet is found in a single manuscript partbook thought to have been copied in Augsburg in the 1540s and now housed in the university library in Munich. Details about this composer, such as what "H." stands for, may well be revealed by future archival research, but unless other partbooks from the same set are recovered it is extremely unlikely that "Saepe expugnaverunt me" will ever be sung again.
Damn, that's hella obscure - doesn't get more minimal than one voice part of one motet.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:31 AM on July 18, 2014
Shit yeah Pelagianism!
posted by Navelgazer at 10:15 AM on July 18, 2014
posted by Navelgazer at 10:15 AM on July 18, 2014
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posted by elizardbits at 12:49 PM on July 17, 2014 [9 favorites]