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What could have been
July 21, 2014 5:59 PM   Subscribe

Seven crazy ‘Harry Potter’ theories we wish had come true This week marks the seven-year anniversary of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. To celebrate, we pick out the seven best fan theories that never came true.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero (45 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite

 
Oh I loved the Potter books and some day I will reread them all, knowing where all the story lines are going, just so it will all be that much clearer. But criminy, what a daunting task!
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:15 PM on July 21




GOOGLE RONBLEDORE
posted by Rock Steady at 6:26 PM on July 21 [40 favorites]


I'm still blown away that Deathly Hallows came out *seven years ago*. Where does the time go?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:31 PM on July 21 [6 favorites]


The only one I was ever mildly interested in was #2 and even then I wanted Neville and Harry to share the role.
posted by bgal81 at 6:35 PM on July 21 [1 favorite]


But Neville was the true heir of Gryffindor, and he did did kill Nagini. I would argue that Neville was actually the chosen one, but nobody noticed.
posted by hydropsyche at 6:35 PM on July 21 [23 favorites]


I do pefer to imagine the HP series as one where the chosen one is a bit of crap and the actual Hereos ( Neville and Herminone ) just go about, fixing problems and saving the day and making shit work while the so called chosen ones just go through the motions cause that's what they need to do apparently.
posted by The Whelk at 6:39 PM on July 21 [12 favorites]


Harry Potter was the Heir of Gryffindor

This theory is too much for me. I'd love to know more about the founders (particularly why Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin were good friends when Slytherin was a bigot, and Gryffindor... wasn't), but you could do a better job than merely linking them to the main character, when they sound like interesting characters in their own right, based on what little we know of them.

I feel very strongly about these books okay
posted by supermassive at 6:40 PM on July 21 [1 favorite]


I do pefer to imagine the HP series as one where the chosen one is a bit of crap and the actual Hereos ( Neville and Herminone ) just go about, fixing problems and saving the day and making shit work while the so called chosen ones just go through the motions cause that's what they need to do apparently.

So basically Harry Potter=The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:45 PM on July 21 [7 favorites]


My pet theory was that Harry would grow up to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. Seriously, all the clues were there: how there was a new teacher every year as long as Harry & pals are at the school, how Harry was great at tutoring the other kids in book 5, how nobody in Britain could possibly have better practical skills and experience in against-Dark-Arts-defending -- and this way he could stay at Hogwarts to rebuild it, perhaps even becoming Headmaster one day with Dumbledore's portrait happily snoozing on his office wall...

I was honestly disappointed to the point of emotions that this didn't happen. WTF is this Auror bullshit

I feel very strongly about these books too
posted by saturday_morning at 6:45 PM on July 21 [19 favorites]


Ron as Dumbledore I can believe. I would love this.
posted by arcticseal at 6:48 PM on July 21 [1 favorite]


I'm still blown away that Deathly Hallows came out *seven years ago*. Where does the time go?

Picture the scene: Deathly Hallows has recently come out; I am 19 and home from college for the summer, and I have just stayed up all night reading it. I finally go to sleep around 8am, only for my mom to come in half an hour later, with an insurance agent on the phone who needs my permission to discuss my account with my mom. I am almost completely asleep at this point, despite apparently looking competent to talk to a professional stranger on the phone. So, my mom hands me the phone, and a voice in my ear asks me to confirm my name. To which I reply, with utter conviction,

"Harry Potter."

I am now thoroughly awake, as my mom and the insurance agent are laughing at me in stereo. I spend the next several hours sulking.

Seven years is not long enough.
posted by zeptoweasel at 6:52 PM on July 21 [58 favorites]


These were pretty good. I'm not sure I'll ever have the stamina to get through the books again. I'd really like to reread His Dark Materials and I haven't gotten around to that yet, either. I don't like Ron=Dumbledore. My favourite is the idea that maybe Harry traveled back in time and made peace with his parents.

Harry Potter and the clumsy attempt to reconnect with Cho Chang on Facebook (and others)

These are cool, but I would like them better if the riff on viagra etc. didn't do the sitcom thing where Harry is middle aged and bald, but Ginny still somehow looks 20 and perfect.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:01 PM on July 21 [2 favorites]


WTF is this Auror bullshit

If it makes you feel any better, having Potter be an Auror makes the most sense.

First of all, people usually never get a teaching position at their alma mater as their first job after graduation. Secondly, no offense to the teachers out there who might read this, but Potter's skills are far more important out in the field rather than in the classroom.

Sure, one day he'll probably return to Hogwarts and teach Defense Against Dark Arts, maybe as a sabbatical from his day job, or maybe as a form of retirement. Personally, I wish he had found a job somewhere else because too much of the books are wrapped up in Hogwarts + the Ministry of Magic. There has to more to the world than just school and government.
posted by honestcoyote at 7:11 PM on July 21 [5 favorites]


I came here for rombledore and I was not disappointed.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 7:17 PM on July 21 [2 favorites]


I've said this on the Blue before, but my pet theory has always been that after Harry retires from his Auror gig he returns to Hogwarts to serve as a Defense Against The Dark Arts professor - a job which he assumes is safe now because many others have held the job for longer than a year since he graduated.

He serves as a professor for one year before drowning in the Great Lake in a freak boating accident.
posted by Itaxpica at 7:23 PM on July 21 [29 favorites]


From what I remember, Harry doesn't accomplish anything significant or do anything at all really and in fact isn't that good at magic. I'd like to see some fanfiction where everyone catches on pretty early and they just let Voldemort kill him straight away.
posted by mrbigmuscles at 7:26 PM on July 21 [2 favorites]


Needs more Remus/Sirius OTP. I mean, Tonks was great and all, but we all know that Lupin lost the love of his life when Sirius fell through the veil.
posted by donajo at 7:31 PM on July 21 [13 favorites]


From what I remember, Harry doesn't accomplish anything significant or do anything at all really and in fact isn't that good at magic.

I think that's kind of the point (and I say that as someone who's read the books but hasn't delved into the cannon). Harry sure doesn't seem to have fooled himself that he's somehow "special" because of his ability; he seems acutely aware he's only special because he's a symbol. Sure, he's got some hit-or-miss psychic intelligence gathering leverage against Voldemort which is occasionally useful, and he's got one spell that's a game changer, but what he knows is exceptional people will rally around him if he can stay alive and get them all moving in the right direction. And that's pretty much what he does in the last 2 books.

Or did I completely miss the point?
posted by kjs3 at 7:41 PM on July 21 [7 favorites]


oh I GUESS that sounds right
posted by mrbigmuscles at 7:52 PM on July 21 [1 favorite]


Tonks was great and all

When Book 5 came out, I thought Tonks was super cool and was hoping I'd get to read about her going on secret missions and using her shapeshifting powers at work or something. Instead she spends the last two books sulking over Lupin, then gets pregnant and dies offscreen what the fuck

It didn't help that Teddy Lupin was meant to be a hamfisted analog to Harry, what with Lupin and Tonks dying.

Her character was totally wasted.
posted by supermassive at 8:03 PM on July 21 [40 favorites]


The Whelk: you should read Un Lun Dun.
posted by crush-onastick at 8:06 PM on July 21 [2 favorites]


My impression of Hogwarts is that there are no married teachers allowed there, and that's what rules Harry out of the job, because God forbid he not marry into the Weasley family.

(Which is to say: while I concur that "the Top Gun ending" is what I assumed Harry would do as well, Auror's not bad. He's pretty much a badass magical cop who goes after bad guys like Voldemort--and who could be better at it at this point? Let him be the DADA prof after retirement.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:13 PM on July 21


For those too lazy (or worse, skeptical) to GOOGLE RONBLEDORE, allow me to direct you to the posts by The Toast's Mallory Ortberg, the self-anointed preëminent Ronbledore scholar on the Internet: http://the-toast.net/tag/ronbledore/
posted by valrus at 8:26 PM on July 21 [5 favorites]


My own proposed ending for Harry Potter had Voldemort reduced to a snake who was promptly put on display in the London Zoo, for the endless edification of Muggles that would tap on the glass and shout, "Move!" Harry stops by to check up on Tom every now and then, but only Harry can understand that the snake is cursing at him.
posted by SPrintF at 8:34 PM on July 21 [26 favorites]


My impression of Hogwarts is that there are no married teachers allowed there

Word of JKR is that they are, and that Neville is both married and a professor in the future.

(There was a time when "Snape was in love with Lily" seemed about as likely as Knight To King/Ronbledore. Ah, bygone days of the long summer.)
posted by kagredon at 8:44 PM on July 21


I really wanted Harry Potter's Chosen One mojo to end up being that he grew in the ordinary Muggle World and that the series would conclude with he and Hermione defeating Voldemort without using magic at all.
posted by thivaia at 9:41 PM on July 21 [12 favorites]


He serves as a professor for one year before drowning in the Great Lake in a freak boating accident.

but the squid
posted by elizardbits at 9:51 PM on July 21 [2 favorites]


and conclude with he and Hermione defeating Voldemort without using magic at all

You know what's faster than saying avada kedavra? Handguns.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:11 PM on July 21 [21 favorites]


I was hoping that the final Horcrux wasn't just Harry's scar -- it was his power altogether.

Harry was born a Muggle, but raised into wonders by a tyrant's madness and his mother's love... but to truly defeat Voldemort, he would have to grow up.

A missed opportunity, I think.
posted by lumensimus at 11:28 PM on July 21 [5 favorites]


Needs more Remus/Sirius OTP. I mean, Tonks was great and all, but we all know that Lupin lost the love of his life when Sirius fell through the veil.

But that's the most depressing of OTPs. Fandom: if someone uses a secret vulnerability of yours as the basis of a dangerous prank on someone else, maybe they don't care about you so much. You shouldn't be a prop.
posted by rewil at 11:47 PM on July 21 [8 favorites]


Oh man, walking down the memory lane of Harry Potter fandom is my FAVORITE. Let us also remember:

-Snape is a vampire (I was convinced!)
-Dumbledore is not dead (because non-verbal spells were introduced in the same book and DUH Snape clearly did a different spell than AK because of the way Dumbledore fell from the tower)
-McGonagall is evil (something something HOW COME SHE WAS ON PRIVET DRIVE AFTER VOLDEMORT'S FALL something)

I always hated the Longbottom candy wrapper one--it's much more beautifully sad the way she wrote it--and am glad it did not come to pass.
posted by youarenothere at 12:46 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]




He serves as a professor for one year before drowning in the Great Lake in a freak boating accident.

but the squid


What do you think caused the "freak" accident?
posted by Itaxpica at 5:59 AM on July 22


I really wanted Harry Potter's Chosen One mojo to end up being that he grew in the ordinary Muggle World and that the series would conclude with he and Hermione defeating Voldemort without using magic at all.

They had the PM on speed-wand and no one bothers to phone in (or magic in) a couple of mortars to Hogwarts for the final showdown. I mean, he put all of his troops in the open to file slowly across a bridge.

And don't give me the 'muggle tech wouldn't work', its a mortar. If the Weasley fire crackers go off the bloody mortar goes off too. It not like you'd have to make the shells airbursting or anything.

I might be a little bit mad that they introduced the PM, painted Voldemort as the bad guy for not liking muggles, then failed to cooperate with muggles at all (we have all the right tools for the job/pitched-open-field-battle!) when they would very obviously have all been enslaved or worse after a Voldermort victory.
posted by Slackermagee at 6:31 AM on July 22 [2 favorites]


The Whelk: "I do pefer to imagine the HP series as one where the chosen one is a bit of crap and the actual Hereos ( Neville and Herminone ) just go about, fixing problems and saving the day and making shit work while the so called chosen ones just go through the motions cause that's what they need to do apparently."

I always enjoyed Terry Pratchett's take on this trope. His protagonists are generally the ones doing the cleaning up, while the "heroes" (in the background) are generally borderline-suicidal assholes.

As time goes on, I like Harry's character less and less. Neville is unquestionably the actual hero of the series.
posted by schmod at 6:31 AM on July 22


there was something else where a minor background/supplementary material character shared a (common) surname with someone else (it might have been Evans?) and everyone went WHOA WHOA SIGNIFICANCE and then JKR had to explain that, no, she'd just forgotten that she'd already used that name elsewhere
posted by kagredon at 6:32 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


It was Dudley's bullying friend from Order of the Phoenix.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:57 AM on July 22


What do you think caused the "freak" accident?

gasp!
posted by elizardbits at 8:16 AM on July 22


[I]t would be revealed in book seven that the Potters were direct descendants of Godric Gryffindor – and therefore, the Harry-Voldemort conflict would hark back to the days of the Hogwarts Founders, making it the ultimate showdown between House Gryffindor and House Slytherin (Game of Thrones-style).

Oh, dear God, I am so glad this didn't happen. How boring.
posted by brundlefly at 8:17 AM on July 22 [3 favorites]


The awesome Harry Potter ending J.K. Rowling didn't even know she had

That is easily the best and also the most tragic and horrific and noble. But I don't think I could have borne it if that had happened.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:55 AM on July 22


I still maintain it should have been Harry+Luna.
posted by nicepersonality at 9:04 AM on July 22 [11 favorites]


Ronbledore is a beautiful gift. I can't believe I've gone so long in my life without knowing about this. Thank you, Metafilter.
posted by Gordafarin at 12:38 PM on July 22 [3 favorites]


None of these really address the issue in the room in that Harry's a really horrible wizard! Either that or Hogwarts is a shitty school with low standards.
posted by Carillon at 12:56 PM on July 22


Aren't hogwarts standards pretty much just "are you a wizard in britain, y/n?"
posted by vibratory manner of working at 10:56 PM on July 22 [7 favorites]


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