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In order to win at life, you need some Kim K skills.
July 22, 2014 9:00 AM   Subscribe

Are you playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood yet? Pretty much everyone is, including the EPA Office of Water. Your mission is simple: become an A-list celebrity through networking, flirting, modeling, promoting vodka, avoiding landlords and poking birds for money, and dating assholes in fedoras. Oh, and plenty of in-app purchases. Or you could just cheat.
posted by Metroid Baby (73 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
John Dingell
I'm the last original author of the Clean Water Act, but I have no idea who/what a Kardashian is and I rarely play games. You OK, @EPAwater?
I don't believe for a second that Rep. Dingell had anything to do with this tweet, but I still have to admire him for hiring someone who'd jump on it.
posted by Etrigan at 9:05 AM on July 22 [5 favorites]


The only winning move is not to play.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:06 AM on July 22 [31 favorites]


I love the idea of hacking the game to start with unlimited money. There's something so poetically beautiful about making it easier to win at a Kim Kardashian simulator by starting out rich.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 9:08 AM on July 22 [49 favorites]


The only winning move is not to play.

Great. Now you're going to tell me I have to teach Kim Kardashian how to play Tic-Tac-Toe or Vladimir Putin is going to nuke Seattle. Will the '80s ever be over?
posted by jonp72 at 9:09 AM on July 22 [10 favorites]


I'm playing and I am still not sure what the point of playing after you hit the A-list is. I guess some people want to be on the A-list forever? I'm going to hit the A-list in a few more days and then I will think, "This was entertaining, and now I am finished" and then take the game off my iPad.

Although I also really want enough stars to get that kitty.
posted by keli at 9:10 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


Sephora Fascism: My Life With Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
This is what makes up the events of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, the new mobile game supposedly on course to gross $200 million by year’s end. All that revenue comes from microtransactions, the devious psychological experiment conducted so profitably by titles like Candy Crush Saga. The basic currency in the game, aside from actual currency, is the K stars you can spend on everything from new outfits or hairstyles to property to favors. (“Charm will usually get things done more easily than money,” one character explains, elaborating on Pierre Bourdieu’s theories of cultural capital.) You get a handful of them every time you level up to a higher plateau of fame, but it takes quite a few baubles to buy a transparent plastic dress or convince stray cats to come home with you. The microtransactions in Kardashian: Hollywood are appropriately luxurious, rising to $99 for a treasure chest full of shiny Ks. If you tire of staring at your phone, recharging the in-game “energy” nearly every action requires, you can buy more of that too, and it is cheaper than cocaine.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:11 AM on July 22 [2 favorites]


My very favorite part of the game is all the sci fi references. Not even kidding.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 9:11 AM on July 22


The FPP directly after this one is about domestic workers in Seattle who've formed a workers' co-op to help working-poor women cope with the economic and societal dangers inherant in the kind of work they do.

I'm sure the juxtaposition of these two particular FPP's one after the other is something a sociologist could have a damn field day writing about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:13 AM on July 22 [4 favorites]


I am still not sure what the point of playing after you hit the A-list is

There has to be an inevitable crash, right? Just how crazy will the game let you get?
posted by InfidelZombie at 9:13 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


Hot tip from the Epoch Times article:

It may not be considered a cheat by some, but a good way to save money is avoiding paying your landlord.
posted by theodolite at 9:14 AM on July 22 [4 favorites]


I downloaded it, played it for like ten minutes, then forgot about it. But then I started getting all these daily texts from Kim, telling me to play more. They were kind of pushy and annoying, so I finally deleted the game. So it does seem to be a pretty accurate simulator of what I imagine is the experience of being friends with Kim Kardashian.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:20 AM on July 22 [19 favorites]


I'm playing and I am still not sure what the point of playing after you hit the A-list is.

The sages tell of a list beyond the A-list. A sort of Ø-list, where you are so incredibly famous that you are beyond the platonic ideal of fame, so famous that you are everywhere, so famous that your fame cannot be separated from the background radiation of the universe, so famous that no one knows who you are.
posted by Etrigan at 9:20 AM on July 22 [19 favorites]


Etrigan: "I'm playing and I am still not sure what the point of playing after you hit the A-list is.

The sages tell of a list beyond the A-list. A sort of Ø-list, where you are so incredibly famous that you are beyond the platonic ideal of fame, so famous that you are everywhere, so famous that your fame cannot be separated from the background radiation of the universe, so famous that no one knows who you are.
"

Eventually, you have a tiny little iphone game of your own life in your iphone game.
posted by boo_radley at 9:23 AM on July 22 [12 favorites]


There has to be an inevitable crash, right? Just how crazy will the game let you get?

Never go full Lohan.
posted by phunniemee at 9:26 AM on July 22 [9 favorites]


become an A-list celebrity through networking, flirting, modeling, promoting vodka, avoiding landlords and poking birds for money, and dating assholes in fedoras.

there seems to be something conspicuously missing from this list...
posted by nathancaswell at 9:27 AM on July 22 [6 favorites]


Based on the half-life of the Carbon-14 in the lining of this fedora, the asshole must be at least from the Late Cretaceous period.
posted by griphus at 9:32 AM on July 22


Re the EPA thing:

"I hope the Kardashians don't mind being associated with something that spends millions without contributing to society. @EPAwater"

Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) is probably a terrible human being, but that's a pretty good dis.
posted by box at 9:35 AM on July 22 [4 favorites]


While I don't know about this game, the Kardashians are an interesting example of the American immigrant "rags to riches" myth. Reminds me of Scarface.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:35 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


Reminds me of Scarface.

Yes, but saying "Say hello to my little friend" while motioning towards Kanye is just mean.
posted by phong3d at 9:38 AM on July 22 [17 favorites]


The part where the game gets you is the energy meter. Most actions require you to spend energy points, and you start out with a maximum of about 20. In the beginning, you can accomplish most things without running out of energy, but after a while you hit a wall, and your options are to wait for your energy to sloooowly recharge at the rate of one point per five minutes, or to buy more energy with real-world money. So, yeah, it's kind of like cocaine.

If you choose not to pay, you can just wait around an hour or so to get your energy back so you can poke at more crap. Most tasks have a set time limit of a few hours, so the game is really really good at getting you to check your phone every hour so you can successfully complete your missions to get money and points and occasionally some approval from Kim. Pretty sneaky, game.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:39 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


I hate the whole Kardashian thing (not the people, because...never met them, but what they represent in our culture), but a Kris Kardashian game would be fascinating. It's like she went down to the crossroads and sold her family's soul to the devil for pure fame instead of guitar skills.
posted by sallybrown at 9:40 AM on July 22 [2 favorites]


I was bingeing on TNG the other night. How is "Keeping Up With the Cardassians" not a thing yet.
posted by phaedon at 9:45 AM on July 22 [13 favorites]


Also, this can't possibly compare to the rush of blowing up rows and rows of sparkly candy and watching it cascade everywhere while your phone bleeps and bloops in ecstasy.
posted by sallybrown at 9:45 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


I have a tiny Disco Zoo simulation to run, I don't have time for all this petty capitalism.
posted by maryr at 9:47 AM on July 22 [6 favorites]


To be entirely fair, EPA has had far more embarrassing press to deal with in recent weeks.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 9:48 AM on July 22 [4 favorites]


NIH Bear could not be reached for comment.
posted by maryr at 9:51 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


I feel like that WaPo article deserves its own FPP really.
posted by elizardbits at 9:51 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


Like really what is the logical escalation from hallway pooping? Poop bombing from the roof? I'm not a federally funded poopologist so I couldn't really speculate with any authority.
posted by elizardbits at 9:53 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


Bret Easton Ellis couldn't even dream of coming up with a more vicious satire of celebrity than this.
posted by naju at 9:54 AM on July 22 [4 favorites]


The EPA probably has some of the best funded poopologists in the country. If they can't solve this problem, what can the rest of us hope for?
posted by maryr at 9:54 AM on July 22


Poop bombing from the roof?

Pooping onto passing trains, apparently.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:57 AM on July 22


there seems to be something conspicuously missing from this list...

Hey, it's Hollywood -- that particular omission is covered under "networking."
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:06 AM on July 22


It may not be considered a cheat by some, but a good way to save money is avoiding paying your landlord.

This is maybe even a more accurate example of America's wealthy than even the "starting out rich makes it easier to win" hack.

All that said, every comment I have read about this game makes me want to play it even more, so fuck you very much folks.

Related:

Now you're going to tell me I have to teach Kim Kardashian how to play Tic-Tac-Toe or Vladimir Putin is going to nuke Seattle.

I would fund the Kickstarter for this movie, even if it was started by Zach Braff.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:06 AM on July 22 [5 favorites]


It may not be considered a cheat by some, but a good way to save money is avoiding paying your landlord.

I prefer seizing control of the means of production.
posted by elizardbits at 10:11 AM on July 22 [13 favorites]


Is there a presaved/iFunBox cheat version of My Singing Monsters? Because, um, no reason
posted by Mchelly at 10:14 AM on July 22


elizardbits: "Like really what is the logical escalation from hallway pooping? Poop bombing from the roof? I'm not a federally funded poopologist so I couldn't really speculate with any authority."

The field is not so crowded that passionate amateurs are not dissuaded.
posted by boo_radley at 10:19 AM on July 22 [2 favorites]


I downloaded this to my kids' iPod Touches so they could be my in-game friends.

I am become Kris Jenner, destroyer of childhoods.
posted by padraigin at 10:20 AM on July 22 [21 favorites]


Is there any way to subvert this game in some amusing fashion? Like, can a bunch of /b/tards or SA Goons all spend five bucks and have KK superseded by Pete Rose as the sexiest girl in the world?
posted by sidereal at 10:32 AM on July 22 [2 favorites]


NOW IS THE BEGINNING OF A FANTASTIC STORY! LET US MAKE A JOURNEY TO THE KAVE OF MONSTERS!*

Are you a bad enough dude to be Kim Kardashian?*

*delete as applicable
posted by comealongpole at 10:59 AM on July 22 [2 favorites]


SPOILER ALERT: If you play all the way to the end...






... you get to peel the Kim avatar open and climb inside her skin, becoming her. It's just like Diablo.
posted by panglos at 11:04 AM on July 22 [3 favorites]


I was prepared to be outraged at this stupid game. But from everything I've read, this game is some sort of twisted girl fantasy, taking stereotypes of dating and networking and fashion to some gamer extreme. In other words exactly like every twisted boy fantasy video game out there, only with makeup instead of assault rifles and dating instead of murdering. It's fun to play crazy stereotypes in games, why not girly ones?
posted by Nelson at 11:15 AM on July 22 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: ...dating assholes in fedoras.
posted by Splunge at 11:26 AM on July 22


I was on a train last week: four seats at a table, the other seats taken by teenage women on their way to Blackpool (I think Atlantic City matches up). They were playing this game, in between chatting and messaging.

And it was just like my boy friends and I playing DOOM or LORDS OF MIDNIGHT back in the day. They like playing it, and chatting about it with their friends, and working out how to "win". Cool.

And, you know, it involves much less shooting people right in the fucking face than, say, ALMOST ANY GAME (implicitly) TARGETED AT BOYS.

So why don't we let the girls play their game without working out ways we might "subvert" it? Or do only girl games get to be held in contempt?

Now excuse me, I have to go play a game with street cred, a good game, a boys' game, a proper gamers' game, where I ram a fellow human's face into a spinning blade. Because, like, that's ART, man!

Sheesh.
posted by alasdair at 12:07 PM on July 22 [4 favorites]


Or what Nelson said, more coherently...
posted by alasdair at 12:08 PM on July 22


I don't really care about the game either way, but its success drives a certain set of male gamers, among them some grown-ass men, to comically ineffectual fury, which I think is just great.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:12 PM on July 22 [13 favorites]


(with one caveat: it's hilarious as long as it's just awful dudes yelling to each other on a forum about how this is casual gaming run amok, rather than awful dudes yelling at the game's fans, creators, etc.)
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:17 PM on July 22


Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) is probably a terrible human being, but that's a pretty good dis.

I also admire his skill at conveying the GOP philosophy in 140 characters.

I'm not a big fan of computer games so I think I'll pass on this. Or at least until I can play Bruce Jenner: Hot Mess.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:21 PM on July 22


It sounds hilarious and worth laughing about, but not for any reasons related to gender. Most people I know (men and women) are playing it with irony goggles fastened tightly to their face.
posted by naju at 12:24 PM on July 22


I was not playing it ironically

I was waiting at the mechanic's and thought it would be fun to get pretty and go on a lil date
posted by Greg Nog at 12:41 PM on July 22 [8 favorites]


I started playing this because people on ONTD and Tumblr were doing it. I'm not spending any money, so when I run out of energy I either have to wait for it to refill, or go from location to location tapping "hot spots" that occasionally puke up money, prestige, or energy icons. Both are tedious in different ways, but so far it's been worth it just to humiliate my mortal enemy, the fiendish NPC Willow Pape.

However, the best thing about this game is the hilarious outrage that erupted when the server went down last week and the masses took to the real Kim's Instagram to demand she fix it.
posted by brookedel at 12:43 PM on July 22 [1 favorite]


"I hope the Kardashians don't mind being associated with something that spends millions without contributing to society. @EPAwater"

Did he get that sentence backwards or is that the joke?
posted by JauntyFedora at 12:46 PM on July 22


Guys I can't beat the Brucejennerlisk at the end of the Beverly Center parking garage dungeon. My Louboutins are only +3, is that enough or should I grind ballers until I can get them all the way up to +5? Also, why can't I get the Clutch Purse of Holding to drop? It's supposed be lootable once Lord Seacrest gives you the third spinoff series quests but I haven't had any luck so far.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:46 PM on July 22 [2 favorites]


The writing is cleverer than you'd expect, which I think holds people's attention after the initial "lol Kim Kardashian" wears off. #Illuminati #Obamacare
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:50 PM on July 22 [4 favorites]


Dammit, now I'm going to have to play it and secretly love it
posted by naju at 12:58 PM on July 22 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Poking Birds for Money.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:21 PM on July 22


alasdair: "So why don't we let the girls play their game without working out ways we might "subvert" it? Or do only girl games get to be held in contempt?"

No, I'm pretty sure boys' games get to be held in contempt and subverted, too.
posted by Bugbread at 3:47 PM on July 22


Will the prequel be called Kardashian:The OJ years?
posted by Yowser at 5:00 PM on July 22


I'm playing it--if you want some hideous free clothes, my GameCenter name is the same as my Instagram one.
posted by box at 5:32 PM on July 22


Kim Kardashian: Hollywood: Gaiden
posted by Small Dollar at 8:21 PM on July 22 [1 favorite]


But seriously, the whole Kardashian/Jenner/West celebrity complex is so full of stories and weird details and connections to other people with their own lives that a game that treats specific incidents in the arcs of their lives as fantastical plot points could be incredibly deep. Sort of like how A Song of Ice and Fire started out about the turtles.
posted by Small Dollar at 8:33 PM on July 22 [4 favorites]


Etrigan: The sages tell of a list beyond the A-list. A sort of Ø-list, where you are so incredibly famous that you are beyond the platonic ideal of fame, so famous that you are everywhere, so famous that your fame cannot be separated from the background radiation of the universe, so famous that no one knows who you are.

It is called the Kimgularity, and it heralds the end of days.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:21 PM on July 22 [1 favorite]


Not gonna lie. I downloaded this game after reading the post about it. I'm now compulsively checking my phone and changing outfits. What has become of me?
posted by chatongriffes at 9:29 AM on July 23




It is called the Kimgularity, and it heralds the end of days.

The Botoxlers actually increase your overall Kpm by 10% though, so the Slightly Less Youthful Pact is only worth it for the achievements.
posted by maryr at 11:50 AM on July 23


I was what-evs about this until my 13yro told me she had scored poorly at the nightclub vodka promo and she now has a drinking problem.
Which is outstanding to my and her cynical eyes, but surely only moments away from being featured on tabloid TV as evidence of the downfall of the youth of today with accompanying pearl clutching.
posted by bystander at 2:24 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]


As of today I've played the game for all of twenty minutes and already I feel more genuine emnity towards Willow Pape than Bowser, Dr. Robotnik, Ganon, Mother Brain, Sephiroth, and their peers ever managed to incite.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:39 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]


I can't stop playing this game. I blame you, metafilter.

I suppose I should be embarassed about this.
posted by inertia at 6:08 PM on July 24 [1 favorite]


I am currently in a poly relationship with 2 other chicks - a celeb friend and a writer that KK set me up with but who's not happy that I haven't gone out of my way to impress her.

I have low energy give me a break!
posted by divabat at 8:20 PM on July 27






That Atlantic article is really great.

Playing the game is really nothing more than a bunch of mindless clicking while your character buys clothes, has a set of predetermined social interactions all constructed to further your pursuit of fame, has its picture taken, and gets insulted by everyone.

You can't have an interaction with another character in the game without knowing what their celebrity status is and trying to figure out how best to capitalize on it. Your character has no aspirations--s/he doesn't want to sing, act, dance, design, think, create, model--other than fame itself.

Knowingly or not, Kim takes Hollywood's basest expectations about women—its treatment of them as, essentially, walking sex dolls—and doubles down. Was this what you wanted? Kim's Spandex would like to know. Kim is self-satirizing, certainly, but it's an especially cutting form of satire. By laughing at herself, she also laughs at a system that allows for a Kim Kardashian to exist in the first place.

I'd love to think that Kim herself has played this game, and thought to herself that this is exactly what the Kardashian/Hollywood fame machine is about: an endless stream of mindless repetitive tasks, where every social interaction including romantic relationships is treated as a way to get ahead, getting shit on by everyone more famous than you. I want to think that this game is some kind of hidden message about the nature of capitalizing on self-objectification.

I also want to get that bag with the kitten in it.
posted by inertia at 11:32 AM on July 30 [1 favorite]


Good heavens that Atlantic review really is a masterful piece of writing.
Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is the game that Ayn Rand might have written, had Ayn Rand lived in the age of the smartphone and been a fan of bodycon skirts.
posted by Nelson at 2:32 PM on July 30


So hours before this thread is about to close, I finally got around to downloading it and now I'm on an imaginary date with a hot baseball player after watching 7 episodes of The Simpsons on FXX. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:26 PM on August 21


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