Ask A Grown Man: Stephen Colbert
August 3, 2014 7:14 PM   Subscribe

 
I like that someone drew the green light from The Great Gatsby on the whiteboard in the background.
posted by brundlefly at 7:37 PM on August 3, 2014 [2 favorites]


That was terrific, and all really excellent advice.
posted by LooseFilter at 7:45 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think that this is great, and, given Colbert's large following, it would maybe be good if he dropped the facade now and then and did stuff like this on his show.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:45 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


It might take a few hundred years but I'm pretty sure Stephen Colbert will qualify as a genius and and a philosoper in our age of idiocy. I look forward to his new show.
posted by vapidave at 7:46 PM on August 3, 2014 [6 favorites]


Ask a Grown Man previously.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:46 PM on August 3, 2014


given Colbert's large following, it would maybe be good if he dropped the facade now and then and did stuff like this on his show.

He'll be dropping it entirely when he takes over The Late Show.
posted by hippybear at 7:47 PM on August 3, 2014 [10 favorites]


He is so awesome.
posted by dotgirl at 8:20 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


I am certain somebody will find fault with this.

it would maybe be good if he dropped the facade now and then and did stuff like this on his show.

I hate when I'm right.
posted by eriko at 8:37 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


I am certain somebody will find fault with this.

There was also that Twitter campaign to cancel his show a little while back...
posted by Sangermaine at 8:51 PM on August 3, 2014


metafilter: I am certain somebody will find fault with this.

(That was great)
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:53 PM on August 3, 2014 [6 favorites]


There's something wonderful about "Ask a Grown Man" when there's a (presumably) very expensive sculpture of what appears to be an Orc very prominently displayed in the background.

I kid because I love this.
posted by graphnerd at 9:01 PM on August 3, 2014 [6 favorites]


He gives very good advice. His answer about "how do you know if you are liked" made me wish that I had people in my life that treat me as if they liked me. That is hard to find, and when I do find it, it's invariably with someone who repeatedly pushes my boundaries - so I do wish he had touched on the notion of respect a bit in that answer as well.

He seems like he would be a great friend, husband, and dad based on how he talks about personal relationships.
posted by sockermom at 9:08 PM on August 3, 2014 [4 favorites]


Stephen, if you end up reading this, you'd be very welcome in Ask Mefi. Ask for a free signup and you'll get it.
posted by naju at 9:17 PM on August 3, 2014 [3 favorites]


it would maybe be good if he dropped the facade now

Wait... what?
posted by Pudhoho at 9:45 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


In my next life, that guy is either going to be my dad or my husband. Thanks for sharing, Stephen. Truly.
posted by metasav at 9:53 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


Wait... what?

Colbert has never been shy about how he has a persona which he inhabits during his show and how this isn't actually the person he is.

He's been pretty clear about this difference, and he's often done things which are in character and things which are not.

If you're not aware of this, you haven't been paying attention.
posted by hippybear at 10:03 PM on August 3, 2014 [2 favorites]


very expensive sculpture of what appears to be an Orc

That is a cave troll.

I know because we have one. He was a wedding present.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:08 PM on August 3, 2014 [19 favorites]


There was also that Twitter campaign to cancel his show a little while back...

Probably one of the most embarrassing internet pitchfork mob things to happen since the whole reddit Boston bomber debacle, too. Ugh.
posted by emptythought at 10:14 PM on August 3, 2014 [10 favorites]


I think if your impression is that I'm finding fault in it, you're scratching pretty deep and handling it pretty loosely and overall trying too hard to be irritated, when there are so many easier ways. I just think stuff like this needs a wider audience than Vimeo, which he already has. I forgot he was taking over from Letterman, so that's good news!
posted by turbid dahlia at 11:26 PM on August 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


See also: Ask Andrew WK.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 11:29 PM on August 3, 2014 [2 favorites]


Probably one of the most embarrassing internet pitchfork mob things ...

I keep seeing it referenced as a super-clever "gotcha" and a total victory for the lady who began that campaign in various feminist blogs, so I'm not so sure its universally seen as embarrassing.
posted by dabitch at 12:54 AM on August 4, 2014


Ah, so that's where Mr. Finch has been hiding.
posted by qinn at 1:36 AM on August 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


Echoing what a wonderful husband and father Colbert sound like. You can really feel the example of St. Joseph live within him.
posted by ruelle at 2:03 AM on August 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


I find the 'just ignore it' response of his to the query about people making jokes about rape rather infuriating. I find no need to pussyfoot around such a topic, especially considering the fact that we do live in a patriarchal society. You engage those attitudes and you tear them down. Validation through non-confrontation is damning.
posted by ZaneJ. at 2:54 AM on August 4, 2014 [5 favorites]


Yeah, didn't really like most of this.

I had rock bottom expectations of Colbert. Anyone who can play such an apathy-cultivating role on cable television probably isn't involved in social justice movements.
posted by sibboleth at 3:32 AM on August 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


I fear Colbert's [real-life] conservative views clash so harshly with the perception that some hold of him that when the backlash comes it is going to be horrible.
posted by fullerine at 3:42 AM on August 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


polychora: I thought his response to the catcall question was a reasonable one - as an individual woman you can have the most effect on people who actually know you and value your attention so you should tell them when they do things that you find hurtful. The others should be ignored because the risk/reward ratio is much, much poorer - they care very little about your opinion of them & challenging them in public carries more risk. He didn't say that catcalling was OK, or something she should just put up with: he said it was wrong & that in his opinion it was worth calling out some men but not others on it.

Yes, it's infuriating that it's risky for a woman to challenge strangers about their bad behaviour when that behaviour is so ubiquitous (for some women at least), but that doesn't change the reality of the situation. I think you're letting the perfect be the enemy of the good here - something I see over and over again in social justice circles where criticising those who are making a genuine, but imperfect effort is apparently more important than achieving an improvement in the status quo.
posted by pharm at 4:10 AM on August 4, 2014 [21 favorites]


I found his reply to the catcall question frustrating, too, but keep in mind that he's answering a question by a 14 year-old girl. To that audience, I think it's pretty reasonable advice to say "if you know them, address it; if you don't know them, stay away and ignore them."

Confronting strangers is scary and potentially dangerous, even as an adult.
posted by third word on a random page at 4:38 AM on August 4, 2014 [19 favorites]


polychora: "I dunno, some of this bothered me. I mean, am I interpreting this wrong?

He thinks that if a 19-year-old woman is too poor or unemployed to move out of her parents' house, then it's probably 'in her best interest' if her father doesn't 'allow' her to sleep at her boyfriend's house, because he might have a good reason, like wanting her to remain a virgin for marriage?
"
I find the whole idea of a father having any say at all in what a 19-year old does with her boyfriend to be completely mind-boggling, but then again I'm European. I was expecting the question to be from someone age 13-15.
posted by brokkr at 4:46 AM on August 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


I think his answer on the sleepover Q was a fair one; there are plenty of fathers who would never be cool with their teenager spending the night at a boyfriend's house, and I imagine he's one of them. Anyone who asked a similar question on AskMeta probably would have gotten similar advice- if you're 19 and you want to make your own decisions free from your parents' input, it will be really helpful to move out of your parents' house.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:34 AM on August 4, 2014 [14 favorites]


I liked his answers and I think they were thoughtful and just "parental" enough without being overbearing.

I sometimes think there's too much pressure on girls (and women!) to confront their harassers so I totally understand the "ignore if they're people you don't know" but that telling the people you know that it's Not Cool is appropriate advice, especially for a 14-year-old girl.

I can see how the one about the 19-year-old wanting to spend the night with her boyfriend is a bit more problematic, but my main takeaway from it was "Talk to your dad about why he doesn't want you to" and go from there. And I think that's fair to both of the people involved in that situation.
posted by darksong at 5:41 AM on August 4, 2014


Colbert is a devout Catholic and teaches Sunday School, which puts his answer to the 19-year-old in a bit more context.
posted by sockermom at 6:14 AM on August 4, 2014


Yeah, I was initially surprised at the "boyfriend sleepover" question too - but I was also surprised that the Asker was 19. I think the key to understanding where he's coming from is in his asking her to ask herself why her father's opinion/permission matters to her in the first place. It sounds a bit like she's trying to have things both ways - either you are going to give weight to your parents' opinion of your sex life, or you're going to take your own life into your own hands and make those decisions yourself. She's old enough to be making her own choices and her own decisions, I think was the point, so...why is she asking her parents for permission in the first place, then?

I think he was identifying that she valued and respected her parents' advice - possibly too much for someone who's 19 - and was pointing out that to say that you respect your parents' input but then turn around and complain when it isn't the input you want is either a bit childish, or a sign that maybe you don't value their input as much as you claim to. That's actually a different matter from someone being in a position to have to live with their parents - I technically still lived with my parents in summers between college, but I did not make my sex life their business because I was 19 and 20 and 21 and so fuck that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:49 AM on August 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think if a 19 year old writes to Rookie with the hope that a celebrity answers her question about spending the night at her boyfriend's, she's not operating at a maturity level that we here at MF think a 19 year old should automatically have. And that's not a slam at the 19 year old -- some 14 year olds are super-mature and some 25 year olds aren't.

I thought his answer to her was very kind and fair.
posted by kimberussell at 6:58 AM on August 4, 2014


...why is she asking her parents for permission in the first place, then?

"You follow my rules as long as you continue to live under my roof" is from what I recall, a not uncommon refrain. She may not have approached her father about it but rather, having done it once, been informed by her Father that to do so again would put her out on the street.

I respect the balanced thoughtful nature of his responses.
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 7:30 AM on August 4, 2014


He thinks that if a 19-year-old woman is too poor or unemployed to move out of her parents' house, then it's probably 'in her best interest' if her father doesn't 'allow' her to sleep at her boyfriend's house, because he might have a good reason, like wanting her to remain a virgin for marriage?

Her letter doesn't say why she lives with her parents, you're assuming that she hasn't moved out because she can't afford to. Colbert assumes that it's because, maybe subconsciously, she doesn't feel mature enough to live on her own and still needs that parental guidance. Or at least he suggests that she think about whether or not this might be the case.

He assumes that she is financially able to move out and his advice is based on that. I think either assumption is fair.
posted by VTX at 7:35 AM on August 4, 2014


That scenario is pretty bonkers to me. If you are 19 and can't figure out how to screw without explicitly informing your parents, maybe you actually SHOULD just chill on that for a minute.
posted by SharkParty at 7:35 AM on August 4, 2014 [16 favorites]


Nineteen year olds might still be idealistic enough to believe in 'honesty'
posted by Zalzidrax at 8:00 AM on August 4, 2014


Nineteen year olds might still be idealistic enough to believe in 'honesty'

Yeah, but being honest with your parents doesn't require that you inform them of every last jot and tittle of your life. I'm honest with my own parents, but there is stuff I just don't talk to them about because it is my own business and not theirs. And that was the case when I was 19 too. That's one of the privileges of adulthood - that you get to decide what stuff you share with others and what stuff you take responsibility for.

I think that was more his point - that she has the agency to assume full responsibility for her love life, but for some reason she has chosen to let her parents also keep having a say in it. And, well, if she still wants their input, then they're still gonna give it to her, even if it's input she doesn't like. That's more what he was getting at - "you're old enough to be making these choices on your own, but for some reason you still want to let them have a say. Which is fine, but if you do still want them to have a say, you can't make it so it's only the kind of input you like. Either you need to take that responsibility on for yourself fully, or you need to respect their input."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:13 AM on August 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm frankly appalled at his advice to the 19-year-old, and shocked to see so much approval of his reply here.

"You follow my rules as long as you continue to live under my roof" is from what I recall, a not uncommon refrain. She may not have approached her father about it but rather, having done it once, been informed by her Father that to do so again would put her out on the street.

I respect the balanced thoughtful nature of his responses.


A woman of any age should be put out on the street for having sex without her father's permission? Really? That's balanced and thoughtful?

Colbert is a devout Catholic and teaches Sunday School, which puts his answer to the 19-year-old in a bit more context.

Yes, I suspect that does explain it, but that doesn't mean that I'm not disappointed.

I fear Colbert's [real-life] conservative views clash so harshly with the perception that some hold of him that when the backlash comes it is going to be horrible.

That sounds quite possible to me.

I did leave home at nineteen for similiar reasons. I struggled a lot. While I was able to support myself, I never finished college, and life was harder than it would have had to be if I'd had parents with a more realistic view of me and of the world in general.
posted by marsha56 at 8:24 AM on August 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


A woman of any age should be put out on the street for having sex without her father's permission? Really? That's balanced and thoughtful?

....I didn't get the sense that the woman who was asking for advice would be "put out on the street" in this instance (I think that was just that particular commenter's interjection).

This particular situation is a bit more nuanced than that - this doesn't strike me as a "you will live by my rules or else we will disown you" kind of thing. This is more like, "I'm still inviting my parents to have a say in my life, but I don't like what it is that they're telling me to do." Kind of like my own parents - my mother made it clear that they loved me and supported me and respected my right to do as I wished, but at the same time, she didn't want there to be any knocking boots inside the house. If a guy came to stay overnight, he had to stay in a separate room, that was all.

So I just never asked if a boy could stay overnight at our house, and went out of the house to get busy instead. I never asked their permission first, because I was 19 and I did not require their permission. My parents were aware I was having sex, but I wasn't inviting their input, so they didn't give it, because I was of legal age. I'm sure if I had asked permission it would have been frowned upon; but that's why I didn't ask permission, because I was willing to assume responsibility for my own decisions.

In fact, the way that my parents found out I was sexually active was because Dad went to get the trash out of my room when he was making a run to the dump and they found some contraceptive packaging in there. And for three whole months, they said absolutely nothing to me on the matter, and would have continued to say nothing if I hadn't finally brought the matter up to them (broken condom paranoia that turned out to be nothing).

My parents didn't kick me out - they instead stayed out of my business and waited until I did ask for their input, and then they gave it. And when they gave it, I just took note of what they would be comfortable with and did other things and didn't invite their input on those things.

This is more like if I'd been asking their input from the beginning, and then when I heard what they had to say, thrown a tantrum about how "but that's not the input I wanted".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:38 AM on August 4, 2014


The 19-year-old woman's question was, "What can I do to convince my father to let me sleep over at my boyfriend's house." Colbert's answer was, essentially, well, you might not be able to convince him, but you can ask him about why he has a problem with it. If you don't like his answer, you're old enough to move out and live on your own. If not, there's not much you can do, but you can try to understand where he's coming from.

He's giving advice to the woman, not her father. What else was he supposed to say? Your dad's an idiot and you should do what you want no matter the consequences? He also doesn't know if the dad has a good reason for not wanting her to sleep at her boyfriend's house, which he addresses in his answer.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 8:48 AM on August 4, 2014 [19 favorites]


No, I know what this is like - this is like when someone asks a question in AskMe about something like how they're depressed or anxious and are wondering how they can get over their depression, but then when people suggest therapy or medication they're all "ugh, don't tell me to go to therapy or get drugs! Tell me what else I can do!" You know? It's kind of like, if you already knew what you wanted to do, then don't ask other people what you should do.

I completely understand that there are cases in which there is strict parental control upon girls, but I think this is a different situation from that. I really doubt that a young woman who was in a situation where she'd be disowned for having sex would be even dare to ask her father for permission to sleep over at a boyfriend's house in the first place. This is not that situation - this is a woman who was asking her father for permission, was denied that permission, and was trying to figure out a way to talk her father into changing his mind about that. Colbert's point was that she was old enough to not have to be asking permission in the first place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:49 AM on August 4, 2014


All the way through that second question I was thinking "You're nineteen... for Christ's sake, you're nineteen. You are not a child. You decide what you do." And then Colbert said "You're legally an adult, why are you still living at home?" I just about punched the air and yelled "Yes!" at that point. Jesus, when I was nineteen my mother wasn't happy about the fact that I was shagging, but there was damn all she could do about it. I was of age. It was my call, not hers.

I hate to come over as that "kids today" guy, but by god, they do make it hard for me sometimes.
posted by Decani at 8:55 AM on August 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


And then Colbert said "You're legally an adult, why are you still living at home?" I just about punched the air and yelled "Yes!"

To properly launch children these days, it is usually necessary to financially support them to some degree until they are 22 years old. And in the normal course of things, it often happens that both sons and daughters become sexually active sometime in their teens. We've got to accept that.

There has to be a way to allow teenage children to be sexually active that is honest, healthy and supportive. I realize that this is not the world we live in, but I hope its the world that the more enlightened of us are striving toward. I'm just disappointed that Colbert is apparently not on this bandwagon.
posted by marsha56 at 9:04 AM on August 4, 2014


Colbert's answer is definitely a somewhat conservative answer, and he basically acknowledges it as such ("I'm sure that answer did not go over great with everyone, but what do you want?")

My sexual politics aren't the same as Colbert's, but if you change the questioner's age to 15 I imagine basically everyone here would agree with him, so differences with him seem to be more a matter of degree than of kind.
posted by leopard at 9:58 AM on August 4, 2014


Anyone who can play such an apathy-cultivating role on cable television

This is so far divorced from reality that I don't even know where to start.
posted by flaterik at 10:12 AM on August 4, 2014 [17 favorites]


Ah man, kids sure are curious about relationships. Great video, and great conversation starter.
posted by rebent at 10:22 AM on August 4, 2014


A woman of any age should be put out on the street for having sex without her father's permission? Really? That's balanced and thoughtful?

Oof. I didn't think my comment would read that way. I was responding to a prior comment, offering an alternative reason for why a 19yr old would be asking that question.

I don't think my suggested scenario was the one to which Colbert believed he was responding.
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 11:57 AM on August 4, 2014


Yeah, didn't really like most of this.

I had rock bottom expectations of Colbert. Anyone who can play such an apathy-cultivating role on cable television probably isn't involved in social justice movements.
posted by sibboleth at 3:32 AM on August 4 [2 favorites +] [!]



What??? I don't even...
posted by stenseng at 1:34 PM on August 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


A woman of any age should be put out on the street for having sex without her father's permission? Really? That's balanced and thoughtful?

If that's really what your takeaway from this is, you are part of the cancer that is killing reasonable internet discourse.

I think a lot of people honestly have unreasonable expectations of Colbert, who, along with a lot of other pop culture figures people expect that once they say or do something good that gets reblogged/tweeted/posted a lot, that they're going to be some perfect progressive feminist figure and anything they do which doesn't conform to that ideal means they're satan and deserve to be thrown under the bus.

Part of what makes him a powerful force is his widespread appeal and penetration. A big part of how he accomplishes that is picking and choosing very carefully what, and when he "pushes" it, and when he plays to the cheap seats while being just ambiguous enough or throwing just enough of a bone to the progressives who like him not to scare them off.

Hell, he even qualified it afterwards by saying everyone might not be happy with that answer. Give it a fucking rest.
posted by emptythought at 2:33 PM on August 4, 2014 [5 favorites]


I think the Colbert answer is more compelling if you put aside the fact that the asker is 19 and treat it as a generic "my dad doesn't give me permission to have sex with my boyfriend" question from a teenager [which sounds incredibly icky when I say it like that but hey, that's basically the question as posed]. He gently emphasizes respect for the parental perspective while pointing out that someone who needs to ask the question is not quite an adult yet. Yeah, if you think of the asker as a fully mature woman who is being blackmailed into not having sex by an ultra-conservative parent because college is expensive and it's hard to get a job, Colbert is not being very supportive, but that's hardly the most reasonable interpretation to bring to the question.
posted by leopard at 3:03 PM on August 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


He gave an interview to Tim Russert in which he says that he doesn't let his children watch his show because he says things he doesn't mean, they're too young to understand and he wants to make sure that they know he is telling the truth when he says "I love you." In an interview at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard Institute of Politics, he stated that he has "no problems with Republicans, just Republican policies." He is a registered Democrat who campaigned for his sister who was running as a Democrat for the House of Representatives.

I have no clue what he will eventually reveal his beliefs to be in his new show, but I think the idea that he is a right wing conservative who will appall his more liberal fans is not supported by the evidence.

I am among those who liked his answer. He was being asked how to do something that might be impossible. (Getting dad to change his mind.) He advice was to listen to the other person, see if she could understand his point of view and if they couldn't come to an understanding that she was happy with that she could empower herself to change her situation. Seems like good advice for most interpersonal conflicts to me.
posted by colt45 at 1:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]


Colbert is consistently the most thoughtful, kind, decent, and humane figure on television today.
posted by stenseng at 11:14 AM on August 6, 2014


Yeah, didn't really like most of this.

I had rock bottom expectations of Colbert. Anyone who can play such an apathy-cultivating role on cable television probably isn't involved in social justice movements.
posted by sibboleth at 3:32 AM on August 4 [2 favorites +] [!]


How the hell is Colbert more "apathy-cultivating" than any other political comic actor? I mean, do you have a good example of a non-apathy cultivating comedian? I am genuinely curious about this entire train of thought.
posted by Lord Chancellor at 1:56 PM on August 6, 2014


If you're not aware of this, you haven't been paying attention.

What... wait?
posted by Pudhoho at 2:37 AM on August 10, 2014


Colbert is consistently the most thoughtful, kind, decent, and humane figure on television today.

Yet another testimonial to the power of clever marketing.
posted by Pudhoho at 2:38 AM on August 10, 2014


How do you figure?
posted by stenseng at 3:39 PM on August 11, 2014


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