Believe it or don’t, turtles are horrifically well endowed...
August 9, 2014 12:52 PM   Subscribe


 
Gamera is not friend to children!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:53 PM on August 9, 2014 [3 favorites]


This is tied in to the movie coming out this weekend, isn't it?
posted by hippybear at 12:53 PM on August 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


Strangely enough, that movie is Step Up: All In.
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:56 PM on August 9, 2014 [10 favorites]


If Skinny aint in it, I don't want to see it.
posted by cashman at 1:01 PM on August 9, 2014


I have said too much.
posted by cashman at 1:02 PM on August 9, 2014


Too much is right. @.@
posted by ZeroAmbition at 1:06 PM on August 9, 2014


Especially if you are a turtle.
posted by hippybear at 1:09 PM on August 9, 2014


Yesterday it was Idris Elba dick. Today, turtle dick. Tomorrow?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:09 PM on August 9, 2014


...one thing particularly eye-opening (no pun intended) about the turtle penis is its SIZE. It really is large and formidable in some species. It’s perfectly normal for some tortoise species to have a penis that is half the length, or more, of the plastron. I would guess that in a tortoise with a total length of 20 cm, the penis might be 8 cm long.

That's kind of mind boggling.
posted by Michele in California at 1:13 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


It turtles, all the way down
posted by The Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas at 1:16 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Brandon Blatcher: "Yesterday it was Idris Elba dick. Today, turtle dick. Tomorrow?"

Dik-dik dick? (SFW)
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:19 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


The turtle lives 'tween plated decks
which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
in such a fix, to be so fertile.


You lied to me Nash, you lied!
posted by Lorc at 1:24 PM on August 9, 2014 [3 favorites]


Cowabunga dude!
posted by Splunge at 1:30 PM on August 9, 2014 [3 favorites]


a tortoise with a total length of 20 cm, the penis might be 8 cm long.

That's 40% of it's body length.

To put that in perspective, that would be like if a guy who was 6 foot tall had a penis that was 2.4 feet long.




Uh. Yeah. Words fail me.
posted by Michele in California at 1:31 PM on August 9, 2014 [2 favorites]


Teenage tumescent ninja turtles?

Hydraulic intromittent organs is my new band name. Our first album is Seminal Groove.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:32 PM on August 9, 2014 [2 favorites]


I'm getting a real Bowser vibe from the turtle shaft cross-section
posted by edeezy at 1:39 PM on August 9, 2014




To put that in perspective, that would be like if a guy who was 6 foot tall had a penis that was 2.4 feet long.

You mean, most guys don't?

I'm 6'1"...
posted by hippybear at 1:41 PM on August 9, 2014 [4 favorites]




It's times like these that make me wish I'd never heard of Rule 34.
posted by argonauta at 1:47 PM on August 9, 2014


Do not think about Mitch McConnell.
posted by XMLicious at 1:58 PM on August 9, 2014 [7 favorites]


Not very picky, apparently...
posted by neroli at 2:01 PM on August 9, 2014


Turtles mating with Crocs... the world is in decline.

Scalia predicted this.
posted by hippybear at 2:03 PM on August 9, 2014


like a flower
posted by idiopath at 2:05 PM on August 9, 2014


I guess I have tended to sleep with short men, hippybear.



So maybe I am unqualified to answer that.
posted by Michele in California at 2:26 PM on August 9, 2014


The whole "well-endowed" thing is kind of anthropomorphic. Human beings have anywhere from 1"-10"+ plus. We don't seem to be suffering population growth because of it.

Turtles have evolved toward optimal efficiency given their environment and its constraints. They are what they are. If a turtle could talk, would it say it was well-endowed, compared to most other turtles? If they could talk, would they talk slow, like they walk? I wonder what a turtle would say about human sex - maybe something like "they should slow down?"
posted by Vibrissae at 2:26 PM on August 9, 2014


Based on the video of the turtle and the Croc, the turtle would probably say "why aren't you more noisy?"
posted by hippybear at 2:34 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]




Is this a good place to recommend PBS's Sex in the Wild? Because it is a fantastic and fascinating show on animal mating and birth for those of us who are anatomically inclined.
posted by Think_Long at 2:39 PM on August 9, 2014


Snapping turtle (Chelydra serpentina) with penis out. A response to being handled.

That's what we call having a hair trigger.
posted by mrbigmuscles at 2:51 PM on August 9, 2014


Spoiler: one of the TMNTs' mutations is extreme shrinkage.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:17 PM on August 9, 2014


Sure, turtles may be well-endowed, but for horrifically well-endowed, you really need to look into ducks.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:20 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


I learned this about turtles recently when The Onion did this.
posted by artychoke at 3:23 PM on August 9, 2014


> Spoiler: one of the TMNTs' mutations is extreme shrinkage.

Is that why Shredder was able to score with their lady friend?
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 3:25 PM on August 9, 2014


Vibrissae: They are what they are. If a turtle could talk, would it say it was well-endowed, compared to most other turtles?

From the article:

Usually while bathing or drinking, the turtle will submerge the front half of his body, rise up on his back legs, and drop his organ through the cloaca. It is a sight to behold, and one that can startle both novice and experienced herpetoculturalists alike.

I'd say “yes”.
posted by bouvin at 3:30 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Am I being willfully ignorant, or does neither this article or any of the MetaFilter comments mention the absolutely incredible Onion video "Comic-Con Exclusive: Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals"?
posted by Corduroy at 3:35 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


NEENER NEENER -- YOU'RE PENIS IS ONLY 39% OF THE LENGTH OF YOUR BODY. MINE IS 41%! I WIN!!!!!






Though I am also imagining (without having actually watched any of the turtle sex ed vids linked above) that if the penis is 8cm, then only like 1 or 2 cm of that is actually penetrative during coitus. The rest is basically a means to reach the gal at all, what with them both having shells.
posted by Michele in California at 3:37 PM on August 9, 2014


Yeah, that's the pretty obvious thing here.
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 3:58 PM on August 9, 2014


I was all 'I'm not clicking that link. I'm NOT clicking that link.' Then I clicked the link.

It was turtles, all the way down.
posted by sfts2 at 5:19 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


I spent most of the afternoon explaining foreskins to my eight-year-old boy who has one and wonders what happened to mine. There's some anxiety there about how I ever let that happen to me. Apparently, I should have fought the Evil Doctor tooth and nail with no teeth and a significant disadvantage in weight. When I was fed up with the line of questioning, I suggested we go down to the pond and throw cereal to the carp.

On the way, we see some rabbits making more rabbits. "What are they doing Daddy? Why don't they run? Ohh, it's using penises!" The sky was looking surly and goddessless me was praying for a lightening strike nearby or a tornado or anything that would distract boy from penises.

Hiking back, we find a box turtle that someone painted blue a long time ago. It peed on me when I picked it up. I didn't think it had an erection, but I guess I just didn't know what I was looking at. I thought it was extruded tumor from years of lead paint or something.

We just finished watching an old King Missile video to lighten things up. Then I come over here to get some relief from what has turned into All Penis All The Time Day and...

Thanks. Thanks a lot.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:37 PM on August 9, 2014 [11 favorites]


Just imagining Dinosaur wang as I type this.
posted by Renoroc at 7:26 PM on August 9, 2014


Wrong chat room.
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 7:55 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Just imagining Dinosaur wang as I type this.

Truly, you are insane.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:20 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]




Dino-erotica has already been done.

Note: link is merely to a review.
posted by eviemath at 6:00 AM on August 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Mr. Yuck, somehow I read your first comment repeatedly as "apparently I should have fought the Evil Eighth Doctor tooth and nail...." and was ready to nominate you for this year's Watterson Prize in amazing parenting explanations.
posted by deludingmyself at 10:46 AM on August 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


I got off the computer yesterday and began wondering what turtles would think of human ..um...plural of penis. I began imagining a conversation between three turtle bros that went something like this:

1: Man, you know, human males stick their penis all the way in the lady.
2: No way, dude. I mean how would the gal even survive?
3: Have you seen a naked human male? I mean, they're miniscule.
2: How do they even find it to have sex?
1: Magnifying glass. That's why humans invented science and stuff. And clothes -- to hide their shame.
3: Oh, come on, surely they were reproducing long before they had science and stuff.
2: I think he's been eating the catnip again.
1: Ooh, the pretty colors.
posted by Michele in California at 1:44 PM on August 10, 2014


You think you are ready. You look at the sonogram and see the appendage that foretells trouble. Then you wind up with this little thing that is half you. You have to love it. It's yours and it depends on you.

But it has a penis and can arc pee off the changing table as you dodge the stream. Maybe all erections are infantile, but you need to watch out if you are confronted by one.

IT ALL GOES RIGHT DOWN THE VENT IN THE FLOOR AND YOU CAN'T TURN OFF THE FURNACE BECAUSE IT IS COLD AND THERE ARE THOSE HOPPY CRICKET THINGS DOWN THERE THAT YOU ARE AFRAID OF BECAUSE THEY GOT IN THE WASHING MACHINE WHEN YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE GUY TRYING TO HELP MOM AND SO NOW EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE HEATED URINE.

Turtles are a safe way of discussing this. Not picking one up again anytime soon unless it is trying to cross the road.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:42 PM on August 10, 2014


I will add that my mind boggles not because it's a huge penis per se but because it's like the size of a third leg that they don't really use all that much.

I looked around and tried to confirm this and found this which indicates ideal ratio is your legs should be about 45% of your height. So, yeah, if a man had a penis that was 40% of his total height, it would be nearly the length of one of his legs.

I don't know how sexually active turtles are, but I have difficulty imagining they mate, like, daily or something. (Humans are relatively unusual in that regard -- most animals don't just screw all the time. They typically do it once in a while with specific intent to reproduce.) Yet they haul this thing around, it has blood supply, it adds weight, etc etc etc. And my mind boggles at the biological resources required to just have this thing then it isn't really used all that much. And then they manage to completely hide its existence part of the time. It has a "trunk" (the cloaca) to tuck it away into to protect it or whatever. It doesn't just dangle all the time. There is storage space on top of it being, you know, like a third leg that isn't used for walking.

That's quite the price to pay for having a shell. That shell must be worth a helluva lot. Because it adds this whole other huge burden, on top of its own weight and what not.

Okay, I think I am done now.
posted by Michele in California at 3:04 PM on August 10, 2014


Yet they haul this thing around, it has blood supply, it adds weight, etc etc etc. ... There is storage space on top of it being, you know, like a third leg that isn't used for walking.

I don't know specifically about turtle penises, but most penises that I do know something about (which aren't that many, but are enough to have some cross-species sample) are made of a spongy material which expands when required, so the mass that actually exists is much less than the mass of it when the sponge has filled with blood and expanded to its copulation size. It's probably also true with turtles, that the actual mass of the thing, the blood supply required to keep it healthy and alive, the storage space required for it, are much less than the appearance of it during actual mating might make one think is required.
posted by hippybear at 3:23 PM on August 10, 2014


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