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You will also sense the life when you see the house's beating heart.
August 21, 2014 7:27 AM   Subscribe

"I present to you Poseidon's Fortress (SYTL). Standing guard as you arrive is Poseidon himself as a winged muscular bronzed beast wielding his famous trident spear." One man's themed house in St. Cloud, Minnesota can now be yours. Turn on the laser light show for even more action and entertainment, enter the Cave Bedroom where if you leave the room disappointed you only have yourself to blame, and pump up in a gym complete with temple.

Surprisingly little else on the Web discusses 32208 County Rd 1, St. Cloud, which is reportedly owned and was remodeled by a local anesthesiologist. Then again, the video speaks for itself.
posted by Muddler (42 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
The level of sympathetic discomfort this video makes me feel is astounding, but at the same time who hasn't wanted the heartbeat of their house visible through red stained glass?
posted by drewbage1847 at 7:33 AM on August 21


I don't know. Really not enough storage for my knives, meatsaws, axes, and barrels of acid.
posted by resurrexit at 7:38 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


Good at night. Not good at day.
posted by uraniumwilly at 7:41 AM on August 21


I can't watch the video with sound at work; does he mention whether he built his home specifically as an act of worship to great Poseidon? Minnesota's a long way from the ocean, so if so, I quite admire his fervor!
posted by Greg Nog at 7:50 AM on August 21


Lake Superior, man. It's Poseidon's summer place.

although St. Cloud is still pretty far away from Superior. And is also the anus of Minnesota.
posted by COBRA! at 7:51 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]


AH OH MY GOD I love this house. LOVE IT.

Despite the really rural-sounding address, it is located about 50 feet from a main road and is set in between two perfectly normal split level houses. Here it is on Google Maps. It is the weirdest thing to see when you're driving by at night: normal house, normal house, normal house...giant fluorescent statue of Poseidon, spooky eye staring at you from the dark...normal house, normal house, normal house.

I had no idea how awesome it was inside.

"There is nothing like it anywhere near here." Nope, there is not. St. Cloud is overflowing with "normal" and something like this really stands out.

Holy crow, the "cave bedroom and bathroom" is awesome. It's like a psychedelic fantasuite.
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:52 AM on August 21 [5 favorites]


All the money in the world can't buy taste.
posted by schroedinger at 7:54 AM on August 21 [11 favorites]


Say, Elly, then maybe you can answer this question: do the palms out front survive the winter?

In other words, is their sacrifice Poseidon's gift to your Snow God?
posted by notyou at 7:55 AM on August 21


All the money in the world can't buy taste.

Fortunately you only need some of the anesthesia in the cabinet to purchase inspiration.
posted by notyou at 7:59 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


I'm sure I'm supposed to feel some vague sense of aesthetic superiority but that soon gave way to admiration for a guy that simply followed his heart, a heart worn not on his sleeve but on the very front facade of his home.
posted by SoFlo1 at 7:59 AM on August 21 [3 favorites]


Fake palms. In the winter they are covered with snow.
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:00 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


Fake palms. In the winter they are covered with snow.

OK. That's the tipping point. I'm sold.
posted by dazed_one at 8:01 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


I agree -- this is awesome and was most certainly a labor of love for him. I hope he finds a buyer who enjoys the home as much as he did.
posted by mochapickle at 8:02 AM on August 21


It's a business designed for B&B, corporate and family events etc.. I don't think it's a "labor of love" in the sense it was done just for the sake of it. There are many themed B&Bs all over the place.
posted by stbalbach at 8:05 AM on August 21


Can you feel it?!
posted by Solomon at 8:08 AM on August 21


There are many themed B&Bs all over the place.

But until now, none that could satisfy the coveted Poseidon-worshipping Godsmack fan demographic.
posted by thivaia at 8:08 AM on August 21 [5 favorites]


Do you know how you can walk into homes that have never been redecorated and know "this is from the 70s" or "this is from the 80s"? Well, I feel like "this is from the mid-2000s" describes this place.
posted by codacorolla at 8:10 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]


It's a business designed for B&B, corporate and family events etc.. I don't think it's a "labor of love" in the sense it was done just for the sake of it. There are many themed B&Bs all over the place.

OK, this is creating such a weird reaction in me. Like, I'd been so happy for him when I thought this was his house he'd worked on over the years and he was selling it.

But if he wants to run it as a soulless business, like a theme B&B, I cannot stop the peals of laughter over using Godsmack suns as a design element.
posted by mochapickle at 8:11 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


I honestly don't know which I love more, the fog machine in the living room or the gym temple. A tiny temple!! In the gym!!
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:19 AM on August 21


Narrated, clearly, by Patrick Bateman.
posted by Toecutter at 8:25 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


Ha! I drive past this house everyday on my commute.

I love the pool artwork the best!
posted by jillithd at 8:34 AM on August 21


Say, Elly, then maybe you can answer this question: do the palms out front survive the winter?


I live in Chaska, MN - not terribly far south of St. Cloud and there are a few palms here that do survive every winter and bounce back somehow every spring. I don't know what magic they have but they don't look as good as the ones here. It's still a bit jarring to see palms outside my daughter's dance studio in February drooping badly and about 3 feet deep in a snow drift.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 8:45 AM on August 21


Guy is in video near the end. He fits the decor.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:05 AM on August 21


That is amazing. It's like if you were a multimillionaire twelve year old who read a lot of fantasy novels and wanted to be in a rock band.
posted by Frowner at 9:12 AM on August 21


I'm just imaging so many spent amyl nitrate bottles collecting in corners.
posted by The Whelk at 9:25 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


Clinging to the Wreckage: "It's still a bit jarring to see palms outside my daughter's dance studio in February drooping badly and about 3 feet deep in a snow drift."

There are actually a number winter hardy palms.
posted by jgaiser at 9:30 AM on August 21


I have to say that from the comments I thought it would be shaped like Poseidon.

It was an anticlimax after that imaginary giant fishmanhouse picture I had.
posted by winna at 9:43 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]


I totally believe this is owned by an anesthesiologist. Some of us are a little eccentric. Of course, I would definitely live there, but would get burned out keeping all that stuff well-maintained.
posted by TedW at 9:59 AM on August 21


That's... PROFOUNDLY tacky.
posted by stenseng at 10:02 AM on August 21


You can't accuse him of having no taste. He definitely has a test, a very specific taste.
posted by Think_Long at 10:47 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]


Oh, god, and then you see the guy at the end. *dies*
posted by BrashTech at 10:52 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


Oh, god, and then you see the guy at the end. *dies*

!!!! A+ WOULD BE ANESTHETIZED BY THIS MAN AGAIN
posted by Think_Long at 10:55 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


This is a finely crafted living room. On the floor is an inlaid image of a sun. The sun is glowing. It is under lit by LED lights. The image relates to the founding of the rock band Godsmack in 1995. The sun is glowing. The sun is cloaked in theatrical smoke. The stone wall is marble and is encircled with bands of blue pearl granite. On the wall is an image of a 12' blue marlin. The image relates to the death of Lokum Allas Tatlosh off the coast of Zihuatanejo in 2000. Lokum is fighting. Lokum menaces with spikes of fish bone.
posted by flyingfox at 11:02 AM on August 21 [3 favorites]


Chateau Le Douche
posted by stenseng at 11:35 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]


"A house of true distinction". It is.. distinct, that's for sure.
posted by smidgen at 12:00 PM on August 21


Aaaaah! At the end! Died. I died. I'm dead now. Help me, Dr. Poseidon, you're my only hope!
posted by dejah420 at 12:29 PM on August 21


On fifth rewatch (why hello, please stop staring at me like that), it's clear this is a sales video -- it's his residence. He believes the market here is for a corporation to buy it instead of a traditional homeowner. The other homes in the neighborhood are moderately priced in the 100Ks. It's not anywhere on the realtor sites. I bet it's FSBO.

And I remain utterly, utterly fascinated by the lens through which he curated all the different influences: Mexico, Egypt, Greece, Arizona, jungles, caves, rock concerts in stadiums. I'm curious why he'd live in St Cloud when his heart is clearly more at home in a warmer climate.

I looked up the hotel that inspired the Mexico bedroom. It's all light and breezy, which crisp welcoming beds and the promise of warm sunshine. The walls and windows are reminiscent, but there's no onyx platform that glows red.
posted by mochapickle at 12:49 PM on August 21


He should go on House Hunters: International. "Well, I love the location, and the price is right, but there is no onyx platform that glows red. I really was hoping for an onyx platform that glows red."
posted by Think_Long at 1:15 PM on August 21 [2 favorites]


He looks like a middle aged version of Mark McKinney's Devil from Kids in the Hall.
posted by stavrogin at 3:36 PM on August 21


Huh. I was expecting something more outsider art-y. It looks very Orange County to me. Like, two pinches of imagination and way too much money combined to make something that's big and shiny but not very interesting.

It looks OK. But if I had that guy's money and I was given the brief to make Poseidon's Fortress, I'd start by parking something like this guy on the front lawn. I like bad taste that really sticks in the throat, on the way down.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:44 PM on August 21 [1 favorite]


gack! It's like something Frank Lloyd Wright designed near mid-stage Alzheimers. Kitch [squared].
posted by Vibrissae at 10:21 PM on August 21


You're all missing the important question: What's in the bungalow?! Why don't we see inside the bungalow?!!
posted by AFII at 1:11 AM on August 22 [3 favorites]


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