"Bake 'em away, toys!"
August 25, 2014 12:58 PM   Subscribe


 
My favourite Wiggum was always "This is gonna get worse before it gets better." And it still is.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 1:02 PM on August 25, 2014 [10 favorites]


I only required that Krusty's was correct ... and it was.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:03 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


(And the best Todd is "Ow! My eyeball!" but who's counting.)
posted by tapesonthefloor at 1:04 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I totally agree with the choices for Bart and Barney, which are oddly very similar.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:05 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm partial to "Suspect is hatless!"
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:05 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


*ding-dong*

"Who is it?"

"Goons!"

"Goons?"

"Hired goons!"

"Hired goons?"
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:05 PM on August 25, 2014 [10 favorites]


"I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word."

MetaFilter concurs.
posted by Kabanos at 1:06 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


I don't agree with too many of these so I'm just going to pretend it's called "Some great lines by every Simpson's character" and be happy with the joy it is bringing me.

I'm very glad they got Troy McClure's correct.
posted by bondcliff at 1:08 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


My favorite line (not on the list) is "Oh, this looks like fun: A Bench!"

You'd be amazed how often this line runs through your head when you become a parent.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:09 PM on August 25, 2014 [6 favorites]


Immediately ctrl+F for Lionel Hutz.

My favorite Lionel Hutz line made the cut.

A++++++++++++LIST WOULD READ AGAIN.
posted by phunniemee at 1:14 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Solid, but I definitely feel like "Bury me at Makeout Creek" deserved mention on this list.
posted by saladin at 1:14 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I liked Lisa's reaction upon first tasting some very spicy food - "I can see through time!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:15 PM on August 25, 2014 [8 favorites]


I, for one, welcome our Incorrect Simpsons Quote Ranking Overlords
posted by Cookiebastard at 1:17 PM on August 25, 2014 [5 favorites]


"Have the Rolling Stones killed."

This is a pretty perfect distillation of Mr. Burns, but pretty much every line he's ever uttered is perfect. My own candidate for his best line may be "Who's that goat-legged fellow, Smithers? I like the cut of his jib." ("Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.")
posted by scody at 1:18 PM on August 25, 2014 [9 favorites]


I'm surprised in their guide to watching the FXX Simpsons marathon they didn't advise the purchase of 100 tacos for adequate sustenance.
posted by Sangermaine at 1:18 PM on August 25, 2014 [6 favorites]


They missed on Jasper. That's a paddlin'.
posted by logicpunk at 1:21 PM on August 25, 2014 [27 favorites]


For Mr. Burns, I gotta go with "Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun!"
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:22 PM on August 25, 2014 [16 favorites]


On further reading: alas, they totally whiffed Cap'n McAllister, whose greatest line is indisputably "Arr, I hate the sea, and everything in it!"
posted by scody at 1:24 PM on August 25, 2014 [12 favorites]


The best Hutz line is: "And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer."
posted by exogenous at 1:24 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


All but two were first decade. I am not surprised.
posted by mrgroweler at 1:24 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


The "mustard" quote is pretty good for Otto, but I'm surprised nobody lit on "You know, they call 'em fingers, but you never see 'em fing. Oop! There they go."
posted by like_a_friend at 1:25 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


The beauty of "Arrrr, I don't know what I'm doin'" is that it can be re-quoted to apply to virtually any situation.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:26 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


GO BANANA
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:26 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


One of the Flanders boys on the trampoline: "Every jump gets me closer to God. Catch me, Lord! Catch me!"
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:31 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


I'd completely forgotten that solid gold Moleman quote:

"I need the biggest seed bell you have...No, that's too big."

posted by Iridic at 1:33 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


In the earliest 2000s, there was this guy going around doing a one man Simpsons version of MacBeth, called MacHomer, where he did all of the parts and all of the voices himself. I recall it being kind of amusing, but what I really remember (and am now totally bragging about) is the beginning of the show, when he was warming up the audience.

He first tells the audience "Give me your best Homer!" and as one, everyone yells, "D'oh!" and then "Gimme your best Bart!" and it's more mixed this time, but it's a lot of "Aye Caramba" and "Don't have a cow, man!" Everyone's really into it, and it's fun to be in this packed little auditorium jammed to the gills with Simpsons fans.

Then he yells, "Now give me your best Lisa!" and it's all quiet, because no one can figure out what to yell on command, and breaking the silence, I call out, "If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room!"

And I'm obviously still very pleased with myself.
posted by MoonOrb at 1:33 PM on August 25, 2014 [24 favorites]


I'm surprised nobody lit on "You know, they call 'em fingers, but you never see 'em fing. Oop! There they go."

Also, "What am I smoking?! Oh yeah, pot."
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:34 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


If I don't save the wee turtles, who will??

...AAGGGHH!! SAVE ME FROM THE WEE TURTLES!!
posted by dephlogisticated at 1:36 PM on August 25, 2014 [9 favorites]


I hadn't heard of the website The Wire before, so I went into this expecting it to be 'In Season 15, Episode 5, Snake Jailbird is clearly heard saying "All in the game, yo. All in the game".'
posted by zamboni at 1:36 PM on August 25, 2014 [23 favorites]


A couple of personal favorites:

I think it's Rod who says, "Now I am with Todd, and he is stupid!" after their house is destroyed by hurricane and they get surplus clothes.

And for Lisa, it's always, "You're a reticulated northern chipmunk! You're so reticulated, yes you are!" From You Only Move Twice, easily one of my top three episodes because of the phrase "Hammock District."

But really, for Fat Tony, "What have I done to deserve this dry, tasteless Manhattan?" as it comes in handy in more bars than it should.

And they're right, they could do this for Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz all day. Goddamn do I miss Phil Hartmann.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 1:38 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


I read this wrong, and clicked through expecting to see Lou and Eddie figuring out a crimescene using bullet tragectories and swear words.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:39 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

I use this line all. the. time. when talking church politics with my church friends.
posted by Melismata at 1:39 PM on August 25, 2014


I have to say I'm really pleased by the two Phil Hartman entries for Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure. I mean, so many to choose from, but those two are pretty great.
posted by MoonOrb at 1:40 PM on August 25, 2014


Any quote series that doesn't feature the brownest of the liquors is vile trash fit only for pigs.
posted by aramaic at 1:41 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Any quote series that doesn't feature the brownest of the liquors is vile trash fit only for pigs.

That's why you're the judge and I'm the law talkin' guy.
posted by MoonOrb at 1:42 PM on August 25, 2014 [6 favorites]


ow, my freakin ears!
posted by bitteroldman at 1:44 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh! And one for Agnes Skinner, something she says when Santa's Little Helper has gotten loose and Bart is following his trail of destruction in an effort to find him; Bart's stopped by the church and Rev. Lovejoy runs down a long list of things he's done, and then Agnes adds at the end, "He un-holied the Holy Water!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:44 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


The problem with lists like these are most of these characters really need top ten lists. Or top 50 lists. Or top 100 lists. A "top one" list for each character just doesn't really get the job done here.
posted by MoonOrb at 1:45 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


I use this line all. the. time. when talking church politics with my church friends.

"Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom."
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:46 PM on August 25, 2014 [10 favorites]


Yeah, I was also thinking of a mashup with the Simpsons and the dramatic series The Wire.
Monty Burns: “This sentimental motherfucker just cost us money.”

Principal Skinner: “You put a textbook in front of these kids, put a problem on the blackboard, teach them every problem in some statewide test, it won’t matter. None of it. ‘Cause they’re not learning for our world; they’re learning for theirs.”

Lisa: “A life, Jimmy. It’s the shit that happens while you wait for moments that never come.”
posted by exogenous at 1:46 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


There's very little meat in these gym mats
posted by bitteroldman at 1:48 PM on August 25, 2014 [5 favorites]


Pretty decent list since you only get one per character, but I'm a bit bummed at the lack of purple monkey dishwashers.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 1:52 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Snake, upon a large robbery score: "Allright! Goodbye student loan payments!"
posted by resurrexit at 1:55 PM on August 25, 2014 [8 favorites]


On the Wikiquotes page for The Simpsons, I randomly went to Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie and came across this dialogue, which I had completely forgotten:
Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.
In short, the early Simpsons were a font of humor for the ages.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:01 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


Don't agree with a lot of those.. but it was fun to read.

Homer: "40 seconds! But I want it now"
posted by coust at 2:01 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]




What, no Bumblebee Man?
posted by kenko at 2:04 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Ranier Wolfcastle: "On clozzer inspektion, deez ahr loohhfuhs". ("On closer inspection, these are loafers." It's the delivery.
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 2:04 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


If you're going to include the wretched Gil, why not Johnny Tightlips?
posted by kenko at 2:06 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Or Shelbyville Homer? - "Get out here, son! There's a doings a transpiring!"
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:07 PM on August 25, 2014 [5 favorites]


I am possibly the person least knowledgeable about the Simpsons on MetaFilter, but even I know Grandpa Simpson's best line involved an onion on his belt. Because it was the style at the time.
posted by Curious Artificer at 2:07 PM on August 25, 2014 [8 favorites]


It says a sad, sad something that every single quote is from the first 12 seasons and that there's nothing at all from the next 13.
posted by ZaphodB at 2:08 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


My own candidate for his best line may be "Who's that goat-legged fellow, Smithers? I like the cut of his jib."

I've always been fond of "Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist!" mainly because it underscores that Burns is so rich (and so old) he doesn't have to care what century it is.
posted by psoas at 2:09 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


I am possibly the person least knowledgeable about the Simpsons on MetaFilter, but even I know Grandpa Simpson's best line involved an onion on his belt. Because it was the style at the time.

An Abe line that I think doesn't get enough love is, "Ah...I'm a living joke."
posted by MoonOrb at 2:09 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


[the greatest Utican to ever appear on television]

Agreed.
posted by audi alteram partem at 2:09 PM on August 25, 2014


kenko: What, no Bumblebee Man?

Well, his catchphrase, "Ay, ay, ay! No es bueno!" is always pretty solid. Or in English, "Moan, moan, moan! It is not good!"


kenko: If you're going to include the wretched Gil, why not Johnny Tightlips?

Because he ain't sayin' nothin'.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:10 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


This inspired me to go back and read about literal Vikings.

It remains my favorite Simpsons quote in history - simply because of the resultant hubbub.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 2:12 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


THEN GREASE ME UP WOMAN!

Bonjourrrrr, ya cheese eating surrender monkeys.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 2:19 PM on August 25, 2014 [8 favorites]


Homer: "No beer and no TV make Homer something something ..." "Go crazy?" "DON'T MIND IF I DO!"

I use this more often than you'd think.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:23 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


Not so much a line as such but Dr. Hibbert having a surgical 2×4 at hand in his office just kills me.
posted by Space Coyote at 2:27 PM on August 25, 2014


My children who are three and five have not yet ever seen the Simpsons, but when they spin in the middle of the room, they shout, "MOMMY I AM TWIRLING TOWARDS FREEDOM!" because adults (at least the ones I know) almost universally cry out, "and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!" when they see small children twirling.

One day they will watch the Simpsons and realize that a couple of dozen things they say all the time are actually quotes from that show and their minds will be blown.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:27 PM on August 25, 2014 [15 favorites]


"That's not even clever. There are so many aspects of my personality you can mock. I'm poor, I'm illiterate, I think movies are real..."
posted by Foosnark at 2:32 PM on August 25, 2014


Here are my alternatives:

Otto: My name is Otto, and I love to get blotto!
Fat Tony: What's a murder?
Groundskeeper Willie: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Dr. Hibbert: Don't thank me. Thank the knife!

And does Homer's brain count as separate character? Because Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

posted by mcmile at 2:35 PM on August 25, 2014 [10 favorites]


Marge doesn't have a lot of great lines, but they missed one of my favorites (from Itchy & Scratchy & Marge):

"I guess one person can change the world, but most of the time they probably shouldn't."
posted by bjrubble at 2:39 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


mcmile: "Because Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

* shrill yelping *
posted by boo_radley at 2:40 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Also, Mayor Quimby's best line, which may not count since it requires the setup:

Birchibald T. Barlow: ... our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spend-o-crat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
Mayor Quimby: [listening to the radio, while watering his marijuana plants] Hey! I am no longer illiterate.
posted by bjrubble at 2:43 PM on August 25, 2014


Does a character created to deliver a single line count? Because if so, then Senor Ding-Dong is always a winner!

"There was a time when that was true, but now I am so much more...*tries to start car* ...does anyone have any jumper cables?"

Also the Smithers line isn't misattributed as far as I can tell, it's just that Smithers' line is only the setup. The punchline is delivered by Hans Moleman "I was saying Boo-urns!"
posted by TwoWordReview at 2:45 PM on August 25, 2014


*ding-dong*

"Who is it?"

"Goons!"

"Goons?"

"Hired goons!"

"Hired goons?"


The best part of this is a minute later:

Monte Burns: I like the personal touch you only get from hired goons.

Homer: Hired goons?
posted by bjrubble at 2:46 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


"Rat milk? I'm outraged! You promised me dog or highah!"
posted by Iridic at 2:47 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've been watching as much of EverySimpsonsEver on FXX that I can, and while I'm not sure what Skinner's BEST line could definitively be, he did say: Sleek, vigilant puma. Principal of the mountains. Which is much better when what they've got there.

Also, Steamed Hams. It's an Albany expression.
posted by sweetkid at 2:49 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


My favorite Chief Wiggum line:

Apu: If you don't do something, I'm going to take the law into my own hands!
Wiggum: Oh, yeah. A lot of people are doing that these days.
posted by zardoz at 2:50 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


Skinner's best line: "I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it."
posted by K'an at 2:51 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think Grandpa's best line is "Wanna give honest Abe another term in the Oval Office?"
posted by box at 2:52 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R Dewoh.
posted by Lorin at 2:55 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


One day they will watch the Simpsons and realize that a couple of dozen things they say all the time are actually quotes from that show and their minds will be blown.

Then they'll watch the movies some of those lines are references to and their minds will be blown all over again!
posted by TwoWordReview at 2:56 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


(And the best Todd is "Ow! My eyeball!" but who's counting.)

It is actually "I don't want any damn vegetables".

One day they will watch the Simpsons and realize that a couple of dozen things they say all the time are actually quotes from that show and their minds will be blown.

A few years later they'll watch Citizen Kane or The Godfather and realize how many early Simpsons scenes are shot for shot recreations and their minds will be blown again.
posted by Gary at 3:01 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I disagree with the Ralphie Wiggums quote. It has to be It tastes like burning!
posted by univac at 3:02 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


sweetkid: "I'm not sure what Skinner's BEST line could definitively be"

"Am I out of touch?

...

No, it's the children who are wrong."
posted by boo_radley at 3:03 PM on August 25, 2014 [12 favorites]


Chief Wiggum: "Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name."
posted by mcmile at 3:05 PM on August 25, 2014


I always liked Lisa, in a dream imagining life married to Ralph Wiggum, in which she's far overweight in a house with numerous kids, failing to get up from a hammock: "Wesley, get mama's pryin' bar."

Jasper is a secret fountain of great quotes

That's a paddlin'.
posted by JHarris at 3:09 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


My favourite Wiggum was always "This is gonna get worse before it gets better." yt And it still is.

What about "Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key. Mo-mee-ma-mo. Mee-mu-ma-may"
posted by Hoopo at 3:36 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


One day they will watch the Simpsons and realize that a couple of dozen things they say all the time are actually quotes from that show and their minds will be blown.

I am continually on the lookout for someone to who has no idea that it's a made up word use 'corpulent' in a sentence.
posted by Space Coyote at 3:43 PM on August 25, 2014


I TAKE ISSUE WITH THAT MILHOUSE CHOICE


SERIOUS ISSUE
posted by The Whelk at 3:46 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Works on contingency? No, money down!
posted by ckape at 3:51 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


"Oops, that bar association logo shouldn't be on there either!"

It's hard to fault their actual choice for Lionel Hutz though.
posted by TwoWordReview at 3:53 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I wish I had a dollar for every time I used THRILLHOUS as my name in a game. I would have several dollars.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 3:54 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


I am continually on the lookout for someone to who has no idea that it's a made up word use 'corpulent' in a sentence.

Autocorrect strikes again?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:56 PM on August 25, 2014 [5 favorites]


I noticed a lot of these come from the earlier part of the series run; for instance, exactly none of these 65 quotes are from the last half of the show's run, and 71% are from seasons 5-8. Here's a brightly coloured graph showing, yet again, exactly how little relevance The Simpsons has has in recent years.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 3:57 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


No one's gay for Moleman.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 3:59 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


Sorry, but the best Dr. Nick line is: "'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country."
posted by chavenet at 4:16 PM on August 25, 2014 [9 favorites]


Better than "The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy!" or "Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGregg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!"
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:22 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


From a certain point of view Bart's best line is: "Quality, schmality, if I had a TV show I'd run that sucker into the ground".

It's the set up for a 25 year punchline.
posted by Grimgrin at 4:34 PM on August 25, 2014 [13 favorites]


I am continually on the lookout for someone to who has no idea that it's a made up word use 'corpulent' in a sentence.

o_O
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:35 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I am continually on the lookout for someone to who has no idea that it's a made up word use 'corpulent' in a sentence.

Autocorrect strikes again?


Eat up Martha.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:38 PM on August 25, 2014 [8 favorites]


I am continually on the lookout for someone to who has no idea that it's a made up word use 'corpulent' in a sentence.

I'm assuming you meant to write "cromulent" and got hit with auto-correct.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 PM on August 25, 2014




I'm assuming you meant to write "cromulent" and got hit with auto-correct.

Unpossible.
posted by MoonOrb at 4:48 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


"Prinskipple Skipple" is obviously the best line from Ralph.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:51 PM on August 25, 2014


Super Nintendo Chalmers
posted by Gary at 4:52 PM on August 25, 2014 [10 favorites]


From a certain point of view Bart's best line is: "Quality, schmality, if I had a TV show I'd run that sucker into the ground".

There's a line in the 138th Episode Special from Troy McClure how, "The Simpsons will continue to have adventures until the show becomes unprofitable." 384 episodes later...
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 4:54 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I see you've played knifey-spoony before.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:09 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports..."
posted by ennui.bz at 5:10 PM on August 25, 2014


Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]

Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
posted by newper at 5:17 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Krusty was damn right, as were a few others. As for what I repeat most often -

Marge: "Finish your fish heads, then we'll talk."
Captain McAllister: "Arr, that's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares!"
Ralph: "It tastes like burning!"
Homer: "It couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people. Which they almost surely would."
Bart: "So I says to Mabel, I says..."
posted by Navelgazer at 5:21 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


My favourite Troy McClure was always, "As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest."

Burns is so rich (and so old) he doesn't have to care what century it is.

"Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?"
posted by good in a vacuum at 5:23 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Snake, upon a large robbery score: "Allright! Goodbye student loan payments!"

His Middlebury shirt really sells it.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:29 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


We often say "Oh no. Cops." in a Snake accent when we are driving past one. It's sort of "Oh nieuw, cawhps" and I have no idea what accent it is, but it's hilarious.

And clearly Ralph's best line is "I'm a gulch!"
posted by emjaybee at 5:35 PM on August 25, 2014


Milhouse: "Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?!"
posted by Navelgazer at 5:38 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


I see you've played knifey-spoony before.

QFT
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 5:39 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I just had this weird desire for an English to Simpsons quote translator. It'd take whatever you want to say (or whatever text you supply) and find a Simpsons quote with the same meaning (or as close as possible).

I have to imagine, with how much source material there is now, this could actually cover quite a bit of normal human dialog. (Well, normal might be a stretch.)

I think it goes back to this phase I went through as a kid where I tried to speak only in quotes. The Simpsons was great for this. Not sure what I preferred? A little from column A, a little from column B. Answering the phone? Ahoy-hoy. Reminiscing about something? Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form."

But a kind of unintended consequence was I ended up talking less, rather than quoting more, to keep my percentage up. Because for most things you want to say, there just isn't a quick way to quickly find a Simpsons quote with the same meaning...

...until now!! Or, not now, exactly, but whenever this eventually exists (and, like the story behind Jub-Jub, now that it's been mentioned, it will have to exist eventually.)
posted by Flaffigan at 5:41 PM on August 25, 2014 [3 favorites]


"This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never Ending Story."
posted by brevator at 5:45 PM on August 25, 2014


Is it more iced tea ye be needin'?

- Cap'n McAllister
posted by inqb8tr at 5:55 PM on August 25, 2014


I decree that once the Simpsons marathon is over, everything will be just like it was before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again, under penalty of torture.
posted by Riki tiki at 5:55 PM on August 25, 2014


Up yours, children!
posted by ifjuly at 6:03 PM on August 25, 2014


"Hey they're trying to learn for free! Use your phony guns as clubs!"
posted by MoonOrb at 6:06 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


So, we're not going to Black Angus?
posted by Mr. Six at 6:07 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


The best Smithers line is his sad, incoherent gurglesobbing as he devours Mr. Burns whole.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:09 PM on August 25, 2014


Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare? -- Zombie Shakespear
posted by paper chromatographologist at 6:11 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oh, also: "You killed the zombie flanders!" "He was a zombie?"
posted by Grimgrin at 6:13 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Sorry, the best Sideshow Bob line is, "Coveralls... that don't quite... cover all..." Only Kelsey Grammer could deliver those withering pauses like that.
posted by jonp72 at 6:13 PM on August 25, 2014


HEYBARTWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?!!
posted by Navelgazer at 6:15 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Principal Skinner has an incredible monologue. It's just a rolling poem of punchlines:

The year was 1968.

We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta.
An overheated private removed his flack jacket,
revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on
sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!".

Well, we all had a good laugh,
even though I didn't quite understand it.
But our momentary lapse of concentration
allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us.

I spent the next three years in a POW camp,
forced to subsist on a thin stew
made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice.

I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States,
but they just can't get the spices right!
posted by paper chromatographologist at 6:20 PM on August 25, 2014 [23 favorites]


I now crave a Wire:Simpsons mash up. Internet, please hope me.
posted by arcticseal at 6:22 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


It's sort of "Oh nieuw, cawhps" and I have no idea what accent it is, but it's hilarious.

I don't think I've used it in years, but for a while anytime I was given something cool, got a paycheck etc, the appropriate response was "Alright! I'm taking this thing to Mexico!"
posted by TwoWordReview at 6:29 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yeah, what the heck is Snake's accent, anyways? I guessed it was from some isolated hamlet near the Ohio/Pennsylvania border, but I'd love confirmation/correction.


> "Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?"

Wait 20-25 years, and you'll also have to explain to your grandkids what a "letter" refers to in that sentence.
posted by benito.strauss at 6:45 PM on August 25, 2014


I was recently reminded of this Flandersism I had forgotten:

"Well Homer, looks like we're boat buddies, huh? Want me to zinc your sniffer?"
posted by downtohisturtles at 6:51 PM on August 25, 2014


Kang/Kodos alternative: "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!"

Also Kent Brockman alternative: "Would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?"
posted by Librarypt at 6:54 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]


From the vaunted Monorail episode:

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist!
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's not Batman!

Everafter, "Batman's a scientist" was always good for a non-sequitur laugh amongst my cohort in high school.
posted by Hey Dean Yeager! at 7:00 PM on August 25, 2014 [5 favorites]


"Don't Do What Donny Don't Does"
posted by Librarypt at 7:09 PM on August 25, 2014 [5 favorites]


To be fair, that was before Batman Begins, so Homer couldn't have known how bad it would turn out to be on a monorail stopped by Batman.
posted by ckape at 7:21 PM on August 25, 2014 [7 favorites]


Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

/brockman
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:35 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think I can guess what Homeboy Trouble's favorite line from Lisa is...
posted by roystgnr at 7:37 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


The first time I ever voted, I did so wearing a t-shirt I made that said "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"

I am pretty sure that the first ten seasons of the Simpsons is the reason I have a sense of humor at all.
posted by nonasuch at 7:38 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]



Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.


This is probably my most quoted Simpsons line from my daily life ever.
posted by sweetkid at 7:48 PM on August 25, 2014 [8 favorites]


Arr, not a looker in the bunch.
posted by gottabefunky at 8:17 PM on August 25, 2014


I rarely drive by a buffet without dropping, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?"
posted by Chrysostom at 8:27 PM on August 25, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh man, I can't believe I nearly forgot!

Kang (Kodos??): "Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!" -- Treehouse of Horror II
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:36 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yeah, what the heck is Snake's accent, anyways?

It sounds like a parody of James Dean to me.
posted by The Whelk at 8:46 PM on August 25, 2014


I thought it was surfer guy/Valley accent.
posted by sweetkid at 8:50 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


So this is what it feels like, when doves cry.
posted by Mr. Six at 9:45 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


AW HELL DIDDILY DING DONG CRAP!
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:49 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Mmm, floor pie.
posted by moonmilk at 10:08 PM on August 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


Lord, I know I should not eat thee...
posted by The Whelk at 10:22 PM on August 25, 2014


Mmmm...sacrelicious.
posted by MoonOrb at 10:30 PM on August 25, 2014 [4 favorites]




Everything's comin' up Milhouse!
posted by MoonOrb at 11:39 PM on August 25, 2014


Kang and Kodos: Go ahead, throw your vote away! It's a two party system! (Maniacal laughter, Perot punches his straw hat)

Barney "We were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon."

Lenny, referring to Homer's chili spoon, in a hushed, awed, yet fearful voice: "They say he carved it from a bigger spoon!

And, of course, the best Homer line of all time, Homer's brain and Homer's dialog on finding twenty dollars:

"Twenty dollars!? But I wanted a peanut!"
"Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts."
"Explain how!"
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
posted by Ghidorah at 12:29 AM on August 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


Arrrr... I hate the sea and everything in it.
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 12:36 AM on August 26, 2014


"Use a pen, Sideshow Bob."
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:50 AM on August 26, 2014


Stupid Sexy Flanders!
posted by Gary at 1:49 AM on August 26, 2014


My username possibly betrays the deep and abiding love I have for this show. Funnily enough, many quotes are everyday vernacular in our house. Just as I was 'over' The Simpsons, my kids became besotted and renewed my fandom, and I don't think a day goes by without a Simpsons quote or seven being tossed around in conversation.

When I serve the kids dinner and they say, "thank you", I cheerfully reply in my best Indian accent, "thank you, come again!".

And I love it when one kid uses incorrect grammar and the other kid oh-so-gently corrects them by shrieking, "me fail English? That's unpossible!".

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice-cream.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 4:29 AM on August 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


Milhouse: "Up yours, Krabappel!"
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 4:42 AM on August 26, 2014


I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just remember, if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
posted by Chrysostom at 5:48 AM on August 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


Martin Prince's Finest Moments

Asimov! Bester! Clarke!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:51 AM on August 26, 2014


What about Ray Bradbury?

I'm aware of his work.
posted by Chrysostom at 5:59 AM on August 26, 2014


Nelson (beginning to cry): ...Papa?
posted by Zerowensboring at 6:15 AM on August 26, 2014


"This'll be a treat--Here I am: Moe! While ya eat!"
posted by Zerowensboring at 6:17 AM on August 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


Och, back to the loch wi' you, Nessie!
posted by Sangermaine at 6:41 AM on August 26, 2014


"Call me back, Ishmael." (Hangs up phone.)
posted by crLLC at 7:15 AM on August 26, 2014


Where else but in America, or possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity?
posted by Chrysostom at 7:22 AM on August 26, 2014


Oh, and my wife had a professor in med school named Bob Arnold, which led to frequent deployment of, "And who did I see taking a bribe but the *Honorable*' Bob Arnold!"
posted by Chrysostom at 7:24 AM on August 26, 2014


"I warned ye! Didn't I warn ye! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!"
posted by Ghidorah at 7:26 AM on August 26, 2014


I don't think it's possible for me to be objective (to the extent that such things are) in choosing my favorite Simpsons quotes. For me, the early seasons are completely tied up with my middle childhood and especially with my relationship with my two siblings. We referenced Simpsons lines constantly so my favorites are the ones that make me think of my awesome brother and sister.

Homer:
"You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with the bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?"
"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."
"Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Hot dog vendor:
"Lady, he's putting my kids through college!"

Mr. Burns:
"Let's blow this fascist popsicle stand!"
posted by misskaz at 7:52 AM on August 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


Silly customer! You cannot hurt a twinkie!

This is just between me and you, smashed hat.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:04 AM on August 26, 2014 [3 favorites]


Groundskeeper Willie: "My retirement grease!"

Ned Flanders: "Nachos, Flanders-style!" (cottage cheese on cucumbers)
Also: "Come on Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting!"
To which Smithers offers: "What's this about a fisting?"

Homer: "Celebrities. Is there anything they DON'T know?"

Reverend Lovejoy: "Wait a minute--that sounds like rock and/or roll!"

Not quotes, but some of my favorite phrases to use are "Now mit iodine" and referring to the "Blood Bath and Beyond" store and the Hammock District.
posted by auntie maim at 8:30 AM on August 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


In related news (and reposted from the SNL thread): Phil Hartman is FINALLY getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today.
posted by scody at 9:00 AM on August 26, 2014 [6 favorites]


Lousy Smarch weather.
posted by SlepnerLaw at 9:33 AM on August 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


In line with the Lovejoy quote they chose, but I've always been partial to:

Rev. Lovejoy: "I dunno. Why don't you read your Bible?"
Ned Flanders: "Okay... any particular part?"
Rev. Lovejoy: "Oh, it's all good..."
posted by Navelgazer at 12:56 PM on August 26, 2014


No, best Lovejoy quote:

Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends, be they Christian [nods to Ned], Jew [nods to maybe Krusty?], or [nods to Apu]...miscellaneous.

Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us.

Lovejoy: Thaaaat's super.
posted by phunniemee at 1:00 PM on August 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


Lisa: But doesn't the Bible teach us, "Judge not, lest ye be judged," Reverend?

Lovejoy: I think it may be somewhere towards the back.
posted by Gary at 1:31 PM on August 26, 2014


Best Gil quote:

Aw, thank God! Now, let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos'll rust up on ya' like *that*... er ... shut up, Gil. Close the deal ... close the deal!
posted by ian1977 at 2:02 PM on August 26, 2014


This one is entirely due to Harry Castalaneta's delivery. But from the episode "Lisa The Skeptic" - Lisa's been spearheading an effort to halt construction on a new supermarket because they've discovered human fossils there. She manages to get an archeological team in there to do a dig, and during the excavation - while most of the town has gathered to watch - she excavates a human skeleton with wings, and everyone gasps - thinking it's an angel.

And there's a beat of silence, and then suddenly you hear Homer in the crowd:

"Now that's INTERESTING!"

That's it. I've been trying to link to the clip - will do so if I find it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:56 PM on August 26, 2014


Found it! Skip ahead to 6:00 in this link.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:01 PM on August 26, 2014


You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice.

The only thing I'm high on is love, love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need.

Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 5:48 PM on August 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...I forget. But the point is...I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about, he drove that blue car?
posted by Chrysostom at 5:53 PM on August 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


Me fail English? That's unpossible!

I was pleased to find that word used in the best selling, booker-prize winning literary novel Bring Up the Bodies:
The king has been to Austin Friars to dine, so it is not unpossible that one day he may call in for an afternoon on the court. (p.63)
See? Perfectly cromulent.
posted by moonmilk at 6:08 PM on August 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


You shot who in the what, now?
posted by Mr. Six at 6:16 PM on August 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


No Lindsay Naegle?

Lindsay: Hello, I'm your customer service rep, Lindsey Naegle.
Marge: We've met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs?
Lindsay: I'm a sexual predator.
posted by kyrademon at 5:36 AM on August 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


My trivia team's name for years was "Bent Wookie"

Viva la' Wiggum!
posted by DigDoug at 8:31 AM on August 27, 2014


Mr. Six, I'm pretty sure the line was "Who shot who in the what now?" I know this, because that was the name I was going to give my ska/pop punk band that sadly never materialized. Our first album, Shut Up and Take the Pain, would have been awesome, had I ever really learned how to play bass, and/or found other members.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:32 PM on September 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yes, it is "who shot who in the what now?" I am quite sure - I use this almost daily when my kids run up to me babbling something inscrutable about Minecraft.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:22 PM on September 2, 2014


Sorry haters, The Simpsons is still really good (#voxpitch)
posted by tonycpsu at 11:03 AM on September 3, 2014


« Older A look back   |   What's the matter with PGP? Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments