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Illegal Weapons Used in Wrestling Death Match
August 26, 2014 2:29 PM   Subscribe


 
When the first bag came out I thought "Oh shit, stepping on a Jolly Rancher is ALMOST as bad as...."


And then THE SECOND BAG.




SO RUDE.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:36 PM on August 26 [4 favorites]


The cruelest of sports hardest of candies.
posted by Mr. Six at 2:37 PM on August 26 [3 favorites]


OW OW OW OW OW OW

Also, the 1980s mustache and the Hollywood tighty shorts on the second bag guy are just so Frankie Goes to Hollywood I can't stand it.
posted by xingcat at 2:40 PM on August 26 [3 favorites]


"Have you ever stepped on a Lego before !?!?!?"
posted by Nevin at 2:45 PM on August 26 [2 favorites]


That was hilarious. Enough to almost get me interested in watching this kind of stuff. Almost.

At first when he picked up the bag I thought it might be a giant turnip for some Russian strength-related turnip theme.
posted by XMLicious at 2:47 PM on August 26 [2 favorites]


I was waiting for someone to unleash the Legos. I'm kinda glad they didn't...
posted by Pudhoho at 2:55 PM on August 26


What a shameful display. Mark my words, one of these spot monkeys is going to die taking unauthorized candy bumps like this. I mean, now it's Jolly Ranchers, but what about the next time? Smarties? Necco Wafers? Bah gawd, Atomic Fireballs? One botched powerbomb and BLAM, diabeetus.

(Fun fact: if this were BJW those bags would have been filled with scorpions and pickled razor blades.)
posted by milquetoast at 2:55 PM on August 26 [2 favorites]


Pudhoho: "I was waiting for someone to unleash the Legos. I'm kinda glad they didn't..."

I guess you didn't watch the whole video?
posted by chavenet at 2:58 PM on August 26 [5 favorites]


That was very silly.
posted by ph00dz at 3:00 PM on August 26 [1 favorite]


I guess you didn't watch the whole video?

No, it was too violent.
posted by Pudhoho at 3:12 PM on August 26


That was so much fun until the moron commentator said "Those actually hurt." Way to break the illusion of the entire rest of the match, dude.
posted by Etrigan at 3:14 PM on August 26 [4 favorites]


I have always had a soft spot for Japanese wrestling, in which inanimate objects are not only used in matches but sometimes participate in them and even win championships. Or lose them.
posted by delfin at 3:16 PM on August 26 [4 favorites]


I believe that man may have a Lego stuck to his ass.

(Totally showing this to my wrestling coworkers.)
posted by maryr at 3:18 PM on August 26


Almost an hour since the FPP and nobody's made a Candy Crush joke yet?

I feel like I should be taking this to MeTa.
posted by The White Hat at 3:32 PM on August 26 [8 favorites]


Best thing I've seen since HE'S USING HYPNOSIS!
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 3:43 PM on August 26 [5 favorites]


That was brilliant.

Having many times dealt with the landmine that is a slew of Thomas trains strewn all over the floor of my son's bedroom as I carried him to bed, barefoot, the use of Legos as a foreign object was legitimately horrifying, unironically.
posted by The Gooch at 3:46 PM on August 26


HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!
posted by Sibrax at 4:24 PM on August 26


. . . but those aren't jolly ranchers. That's Brach's Mix. With starlight mints and those crappy butterscotch candies and everything.
posted by KathrynT at 4:34 PM on August 26 [1 favorite]


. . . but those aren't jolly ranchers. That's Brach's Mix. With starlight mints and those crappy butterscotch candies and everything.

Well, it's an indie circuit. They don't have the WWE's candy budget.
posted by kafziel at 4:40 PM on August 26 [17 favorites]


. . . but those aren't jolly ranchers. That's Brach's Mix. With starlight mints and those crappy butterscotch candies and everything.

Kayfabe
posted by The Gooch at 4:50 PM on August 26 [13 favorites]


Thanks. I really needed that laugh.
posted by ob1quixote at 5:00 PM on August 26


I just named my next band Jolly Rancher Power Bomb.
posted by Chuffy at 5:12 PM on August 26 [1 favorite]


Los Ice Creams did it first.

So danger. Many violence.
posted by winna at 5:30 PM on August 26 [4 favorites]


Shhh, KathrynT, they're proJolly Ranchers.
posted by maryr at 5:30 PM on August 26


. . . but those aren't jolly ranchers. That's Brach's Mix. With starlight mints and those crappy butterscotch candies and everything.


Even worse.

One of those guys could have accidentally gotten one in his mouth. EWWW.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:36 PM on August 26 [1 favorite]


That really has nothing on IWA Mid South's King and Queen of the Deathmatch.
posted by Apoch at 7:36 PM on August 26


That last move was crazy. Is that legal in the larger circuits like the WWE? It seems like the sort of thing they shy away from once they grow big enough to get sued by the parents of impressionable kids with delicate spines.
posted by Ian A.T. at 9:16 PM on August 26


INTO THE LEGOS!
posted by Hoopo at 9:51 PM on August 26


That last move was crazy. Is that legal in the larger circuits like the WWE? It seems like the sort of thing they shy away from once they grow big enough to get sued by the parents of impressionable kids with delicate spines.

Ian A.T., there was a wrestler (Gregory Helms a.k.a. Shane Helms a.k.a. The Hurricane) that performed the same move while he worked for WCW. When WWE purchased WCW they made him drop it from his repertoire.
posted by dances with hamsters at 5:56 AM on August 27 [1 favorite]


The best part is how they sell the danger - the candy and bricks are stand-ins for hot lava or a landmine, and the pantomime and acrobatics they take to avoid it and put the other guy on it is the entire show, as is the thrashing anguish as the worst is realized, and they actually touch some candy! (And the reaction to the thrown candy, as if the candies were actually electrified explosion-spiders. Excellent.) They could have put a bag labeled "McGUFFIN" on the mat, and it would have worked equally as well for these guys. Great stuff.
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:26 AM on August 27 [2 favorites]


That last move was crazy. Is that legal in the larger circuits like the WWE? It seems like the sort of thing they shy away from once they grow big enough to get sued by the parents of impressionable kids with delicate spines.

Ian A.T., there was a wrestler (Gregory Helms a.k.a. Shane Helms a.k.a. The Hurricane) that performed the same move while he worked for WCW. When WWE purchased WCW they made him drop it from his repertoire.


It's called the Vertebreaker. I seem to recall that Helms was allowed to use it for a little while in WWE, but it eventually fell victim to the overall piledriver ban. It's still legal in TNA (or at least, it would be if Homicide came back).
posted by Etrigan at 6:34 AM on August 27


"I... Am... Ruuude!"
posted by entropone at 7:26 AM on August 27


Sent this video to a friend. We are in a fantasy football league together. Said league now has two contenders for the title: Jolly Rancher Power Bomb, and Lego Vertebreaker.

There can be only one.
posted by Mayor West at 7:44 AM on August 27


I kind of want to see a wrestling character named McGuffin now. The plotlines write themselves!
posted by maryr at 8:09 AM on August 27


Removed by user. Anyone have a mirror?
posted by ODiV at 3:37 PM on August 27


Not only that, but the video in the previous Metafilter post "Most Illegal Thing..." was deleted. That's a 2011 post and it was working yesterday.
posted by ryanrs at 1:37 AM on August 28


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