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Easily agitated protuberances and the thing you shouldn't call a flower
August 27, 2014 4:27 PM   Subscribe

Talking to women about their vaginas and men about their dicks.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (38 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
Vice is throwing me an "are you over 18?" interstitial. I assumed the text was NSFW, but that thing's making me nervous. What's the image situation?
posted by I've a Horse Outside at 4:35 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]


Seems ok according to my phone. It's a lot of things that could be interpreted as naughty bits but actually aren't.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:38 PM on August 27


WAIT NO WRONG I WAS ONLY LOOKING AT VAGINAS ABORT ABORT
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:39 PM on August 27 [16 favorites]


I've a Horse Outside: What's the image situation?

Some sexually suggestive fruit and some dick that's not in a box.
posted by gman at 4:39 PM on August 27 [2 favorites]


to be clear: the dick link is definitely NSFW.

Although it's interesting that there were pictures of penises but not of vaginas.
posted by dilaudid at 4:46 PM on August 27


The penis article has multiple photographs of the respondents with the largest and smallest penises, naked, with their penises. It is not safe for work unless you work in a urologist's office.

The vagina article has photos of weird rocks and the inside of strawberries and things like that. It is safe for work, as far as imagery goes.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:47 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]


Why are there pictures of penises but pictures of tacos and purses instead of vulvas?

I feel discriminated against.
posted by phunniemee at 4:48 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]


I think that getting a good vag pic probably takes more coordination and flexibility than getting a good dick pic.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:03 PM on August 27


A conversation I just had with mrs ozzy:

Do you want to see the world's largest penis?
(Long pause, bewildered look) Human penis?
Yes, the world's largest human penis.
(Longer pause, look of concentration)
You don't have to say yes.
No, I want to...
(I show her the picture)
(Pause, look of consternation) Well, it's not attractive.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:12 PM on August 27 [7 favorites]


I think that the owners of Brooklyn's smallest and the world's largest penises (allegedly) had photos on hand they were willing to let Vice use (probably for free), but the vulva owners didn't.
posted by gingerest at 5:15 PM on August 27 [2 favorites]


Todd sounds like a real dick.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:17 PM on August 27


How much bigger does the world's biggest dick get when erect? I'm a cis-dude, comfortable with my bod, that thing looks tough to manage.
posted by askmehow at 5:24 PM on August 27


For some reason it's cracking me up that all the guys claim to know their exact penis size and that the average is magically larger than the national average. Suuuuure it's that big, uh huh.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:25 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]


The images on the vagina link remind me of the style of the intro to Masters of Sex (safe for work, but evocative).
posted by 1367 at 5:28 PM on August 27


For some reason it's cracking me up that all the guys claim to know their exact penis size and that the average is magically larger than the national average.
Well, as she said, the average was skewed by including the dude with the world's largest penis. I don't think that Brooklyn's smallest penis is going to cancel that guy out.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:32 PM on August 27


How much bigger does the world's biggest dick get when erect? I'm a cis-dude, comfortable with my bod, that thing looks tough to manage.


You want to watch out for stuff on mantlepieces, knick-knack shelves, sideboards, that sort of thing.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:48 PM on August 27 [4 favorites]


Reminds me of what Adam said to Eve:

"Step back, I don't know how big this thing gets."
posted by valkane at 6:14 PM on August 27 [2 favorites]


How much bigger does the world's biggest dick get when erect? I'm a cis-dude, comfortable with my bod, that thing looks tough to manage.

In my worldly experience, really big dicks (show-ers) on 30yr+ men don't get much bigger when erect and they don't harden up to the rigidity that smaller dicks do. A big, but never fully hard dick can be difficult to manoeuvre into a small but slippery hole. Not enough blood in the body to fill all the cavities and it ends up like a thick but kinda-floppy sausage. Overall the experience is not all its cracked up to be, especially if the owner thinks size is all that matters. B- Can find better.

On the other hand, micro-dicks of 2-3 inches can be a lot of fun. They often get super-duper hard, and can be put to all sorts of purposes without risk of pain. They seem to have a much shorter refractory period also. A+ Would try again.

I have seen larger dicks than these pics. The largest was longer than the length between my elbow and wrist, and thicker when floppy than my wrist (and I am tall and big-boned). It was not noticeably bigger when hard. But it was too huge and it put me right off.

My Hug-buddy is a grower. When cold and flaccid, his dick hides amongst folds of skin and I tease him about his teeny peeny. But when it starts heating up - oh my, what a sight! It's like a magic beanstalk or a long ballon inflating from a gas bottle. Fun!
posted by Kerasia at 6:15 PM on August 27 [8 favorites]


ASCII pics or it didn't happen.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:49 PM on August 27


It's really striking how the women's conversation is wide-ranging -- description, naming, shape, worries -- while the mens' is almost entirely about size; it's like dicks don't vary in ANY OTHER WAY.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 7:08 PM on August 27 [2 favorites]


It's a topic that gets everybody riled up, but how can you talk about penises and not talk about circumcision? It would be interesting to read what guys have to say about their foreskins or lack of.
posted by theora55 at 7:45 PM on August 27


I don't have one and I don't know if I miss it or not. You should be able to rent foreskins, like a tux for your little willy.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:04 PM on August 27 [5 favorites]


Most women can't easily see their whole vulva without a mirror and good lighting (and not too much hair in the way) so that may have something to do with why we use more varieties of descriptions for them than just visual.
posted by emjaybee at 8:38 PM on August 27


The Stone Container building (Smurfit-Stone?) looks like a what? No, it doesn't.
posted by heyho at 8:41 PM on August 27


“This has been interesting… and to be honest, very unburdening,”

The first thought I had when I realized my penis was larger than average was "yippee!"

My second thought was "who on earth would I even talk to about this fact? what useless information." Seriously, for the most part being a certain size (large or small) is completely underwhelming. Also interestingly, the age related effects on erection duration are a much bigger deal. . . and a much more frequent topic of candid conversation both with partners and male friends.

"It would be interesting to read what guys have to say about their foreskins or lack of."

I hate being circumcised, personally. I feel like there's less freedom for skin to flex and stretch and move. But, c'est la vie I guess? Anyways, there will always be lubricant.
posted by sharkbot1957 at 8:46 PM on August 27


The smallest penis in Brooklyn and the (alleged) largest penis in the world.

So, without question, the dude on the left has the smallest penis in Brooklyn but the dude on the right has the (allegedly) largest penis in the world? What, did they forcibly remove all men's pants in Brooklyn, measure them, then declare left photo dude the winner?
posted by sfkiddo at 9:03 PM on August 27


Also, dude on left is overweight in a particular pattern that may make him look him smaller than he is.
posted by sfkiddo at 9:11 PM on August 27


I hate being circumcised, personally. I feel like there's less freedom for skin to flex and stretch and move. But, c'est la vie I guess? Anyways, there will always be lubricant.

Whatever doctor performed my (infant) circumcision was a bit too aggressive, and as a result there was never quite enough skin to accommodate a full erection without discomfort for several years. Perils of being a grower, I suppose.

If for no other reason (and I believe there are several), not being able to accurately estimate the future size of your male child's genitals is a solid argument against circumcision.

things have sorted themselves out now, thankyouverymuch
posted by a halcyon day at 11:05 PM on August 27


'Vaginald" is an amazing name. I've never felt the slightest desire to name mine but if I could think of a name that awesome, I might.
posted by Stacey at 4:11 AM on August 28 [1 favorite]


I haven't named my business either, but if pressed, I would have to go with "Heavy D and the Boys".
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:27 AM on August 28 [2 favorites]


The first thought I had when I realized my penis was larger than average was "yippee!"

My second thought was "who on earth would I even talk to about this fact? what useless information." Seriously, for the most part being a certain size (large or small) is completely underwhelming. Also interestingly, the age related effects on erection duration are a much bigger deal. . . and a much more frequent topic of candid conversation both with partners and male friends.


This reminded me of this.

I'd imagine (lol) it'd be harder to be so philosophical right off the bat if you realized you were smaller than average, lacking the experience to know dick size's actual importance as opposed to the importance the broader culture assigns to it. "Why would I tell this to anyone" as opposed to "who would I tell this to."
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:36 AM on August 28


My second thought was "who on earth would I even talk to about this fact? what useless information."

You bring it up right after talking about how all the hundred dollar bills in your wallet cause your back pain, and right before discussing how hard it is to be dating three models at once while also shopping for a new vacation home with a garage big enough for your Porsche collection.

I've never heard anyone actually mention it in person, but there is a consistent way that some people will drop penis size into discussions online that is funny once you see the pattern. (I've heard heterosexual women and gay men discuss their preferences plenty of times; I've just never been there for a discussion of how big someone is claiming their penis is. I'm sure that conversation happens, but not as commonly as this article makes it sound.)
posted by Dip Flash at 5:47 AM on August 28


Although it's interesting that there were pictures of penises but not of vaginas.

There's a whole lot of sites on the rest of the internet where you can see that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:01 AM on August 28


Things women are most curious about in relation to their own vaginas:

- Growing out their bushes “just to see”

I am so so so very glad to have grown up in an era when one was not expected to shave.
posted by JanetLand at 7:22 AM on August 28


I am so so so very glad to have grown up in an era when one was not expected to shave.

I did briefly engage in this sort of "personal grooming", but then I noticed that save for one guy who said in passing that very long hairs got stuck in his teeth during....certain activities, not a single one of the guys I've gone to the mat with has cared either way. They're too into the idea of "yay we're having SEX NOW" to even register. I gave shaving up.

So either I've got really great taste in men, or guys generally don't care. (Or, I'm picking sex-crazed horndogs.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 AM on August 28 [1 favorite]


Teehee, Vaginald.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:41 AM on August 28


An ex and I named each other's. Sashimi, The Great Warrior, and Vladimir.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:54 AM on August 28


So, without question, the dude on the left has the smallest penis in Brooklyn but the dude on the right has the (allegedly) largest penis in the world? What, did they forcibly remove all men's pants in Brooklyn, measure them, then declare left photo dude the winner?

I believe he's the winner of The Smallest Penis In Brooklyn Pageant. Which is, admittedly, unscientific.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 11:29 AM on August 28


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