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All of our favorite bands suck.
August 28, 2014 8:02 PM   Subscribe

From AC/DC to Zappa, these are the “artists” who have ruined music.
posted by wmoskowi (179 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
Your favorite band sucks
posted by ShawnString at 8:07 PM on August 28


And then I saw the title of the post
posted by ShawnString at 8:07 PM on August 28 [17 favorites]


Really not much to object to in this list. It appears accurate in all respects.
posted by ferdydurke at 8:08 PM on August 28 [13 favorites]


Needs more "Shreds" videos.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:09 PM on August 28 [4 favorites]


Hateraide is a helluva drug.
posted by tspae at 8:11 PM on August 28 [10 favorites]


The only thing I'd add about Fleetwood Mac is that you can always tell which musical phrase Christine McVie is responsible for in any given song. It's the one that sounds like it's meant to be played with a plastic mallet on instrument made by Fisher-Price.
posted by George_Spiggott at 8:11 PM on August 28 [11 favorites]


I think I am going to write a list like this and call it "Your List of Why Everyone Sucks Sucks".
posted by evilcupcakes at 8:11 PM on August 28


I love hating on bands as much as the next guy, but meh...
posted by Huck500 at 8:12 PM on August 28


That was about as juvenile a thing as I have ever read. And I used to edit my high school newspaper.
posted by Dr. Wu at 8:13 PM on August 28 [46 favorites]


OK, how is Steely Dan not on this list?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:15 PM on August 28 [22 favorites]


JIMI HENDRIX

This guy could only play one instrument.
posted by bperk at 8:15 PM on August 28 [16 favorites]


Some of those were pretty funny.

BECK: The sonic equivalent to a fedora.

FOO FIGHTERS: Foo Fighters are the Mitt Romney of rock music.

RUSH: Rush is the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.

And I like Beck, Foo Fighters and Rush.
posted by birdherder at 8:16 PM on August 28 [8 favorites]


ELTON JOHN
This is just Mike Myers playing the piano.


OK, this made me laugh out loud.
posted by arcticseal at 8:19 PM on August 28 [15 favorites]


I not really much of a Nirvana fan, but the Cobain joke was just wrong.
posted by 4ster at 8:20 PM on August 28 [4 favorites]


The tattoo removal pyramid scheme comment was fresh. The rest of it, meh.
posted by Mr. Six at 8:20 PM on August 28


The Beach Boys one is right on the fucking money. Never understood the love.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:21 PM on August 28 [4 favorites]


There's something sublime about this one:

MY BLOODY VALENTINE

Hey idiots, maybe stand farther away from your amps when you’re playing.
posted by kewb at 8:22 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


You’re supposed to like Björk because your older brother who studied art at community college told you to, but it’s hard to like somebody who sings like they’re trying to get a Honda off using only sound waves.

come now that's bang on
posted by Sebmojo at 8:24 PM on August 28 [3 favorites]


These are high-end burns.
posted by Sebmojo at 8:26 PM on August 28 [7 favorites]


Less of this, please.
posted by benito.strauss at 8:28 PM on August 28 [12 favorites]


I'm too old for this shit.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:28 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


This sounds like it's narrated by the sort of person who, when you go to (usually) his house, he tells you to pick out some music, as a sort of test.


Of course, the thing you pick will never be cool enough, so you pick the WORST thing on the shelf.


When he sneers, point out that it is from his collection. His snobbery will trouble you no more.


This, however:

ROD STEWART

Rod Stewart is kind of like if scientists did an experiment in which they crossed the genes of Hulk Hogan, a glass of bad cognac, and your creepy uncle.



100% accurate.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:31 PM on August 28 [8 favorites]


This listicle reads kind of like sanitized Anal Cunt song titles.
posted by ignignokt at 8:31 PM on August 28 [13 favorites]


I enjoy Beck's music and their description of it is entirely accurate.
posted by warbucks at 8:32 PM on August 28


OK, how is Steely Dan not on this list?


The sort of person who makes this sort of list masturbates to Aja while admiring himself in the mirror.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:32 PM on August 28 [24 favorites]


I thought MetaFacebook was going to start suppressing linkbait articles in its algorithm.
posted by me3dia at 8:32 PM on August 28 [9 favorites]


This would have been funny if the writing had been funny.
posted by MoonOrb at 8:34 PM on August 28 [26 favorites]


You can really tell when the author is genuinely interested in hating a band and when they want to fill their listicle quota. "HERE IS TEH ONE THING I KNOW/EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT THIS BAND AND BECAUSE OF IT THEY SUCK" gets old after a remarkably short while.

Metallica's a good example, because it looks like they're trying, but it's just "they sucked after the '90s," "they suck," "their name sucks". They could have at least gone for "a full quarter of their repertoire is high school book reports."
posted by darksasami at 8:35 PM on August 28 [9 favorites]


Hilarious. Not sure which I'm enjoying more; the list, or these comments.
posted by the webmistress at 8:35 PM on August 28 [9 favorites]


Vice sucks even more than I had previously suspected.
posted by zscore at 8:35 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


Buzzfeed is establishing a caliphate across all web magazines, destroying earlier gods like "content" and institutionalizing click-driven money-making "nostalgia lists".

Next up is Foreign Affairs: 20 Countries You Want to Escape, But Can't!
posted by four panels at 8:38 PM on August 28 [21 favorites]


Is it still a troll if it's clickbait? Is it perhaps even more of a troll? What is a troll? Who are you? Get out of my house!
posted by codacorolla at 8:40 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah
posted by mannequito at 8:44 PM on August 28


MOZART

Wore a poofy white wig.

BEETHOVEN

Made himself deaf with his own bad music.
posted by charlie don't surf at 8:44 PM on August 28 [8 favorites]


I suspect it's a truism of a zine like Vice that the brain farts the staff came up with trying to outdo each other over beers at the end of the day gets more clicks than the stuff they actually worked on.
posted by George_Spiggott at 8:45 PM on August 28 [7 favorites]


What Are the Top 114 Metafilter Posts That You've Actually Read But Totally Had Forgotten About? The Answer Will Shock You!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:45 PM on August 28 [5 favorites]


It's almost enough to make me suspect that Vice somehow benefits from clicks on links to it. I realize that this is risibly paranoid. The hour is late, I should to bed.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:47 PM on August 28 [5 favorites]


Nice parody of typical hipster music criticism, which focuses mostly not on the music but everything around it, real or otherwise. When I was a very young lad I had a habit of not bothering with certain bands because I couldn't stand their fans. Thankfully I got out of that sort of nonsense or I would have missed out on music pretty much entirely.

Nice touch not listing Nickelback.
posted by juiceCake at 8:49 PM on August 28 [10 favorites]


As great as some of these lines are, they really have that stink of Look How Seriously You Should Take Me Now That I'm All Grown Up And Jaded to them.

I feel like I should tousle the author's hair and ask him how first year is going.
posted by mhoye at 8:50 PM on August 28 [5 favorites]


This is the band playing on every car stereo in the history of drunk driving.

A+. Would troll again. Pretty disappoint with the Sonic Youth and Pavement entries.
posted by 99_ at 8:51 PM on August 28


I can never hear or read enough bad things about Morrissey.
posted by MikeMc at 8:53 PM on August 28 [5 favorites]


These were genuinely hilarious. My favorite:

KANYE WEST

He’s okay, but he’s really a better producer than a rapper.

Why is that so funny to me? First, because it's the least insulting entry of the page, the author's essentially saying that everyone else on the list is worse than Kanye West. Second, because I somehow imagine that would piss off Kanye worse than any of the other entries would piss off anyone else mentioned on the page. What I'm saying is that, if he gets wind of this article, he'll tweet a ten-part reply comparing Vice to the Romans who crucified Jesus.
posted by Edgewise at 8:56 PM on August 28 [33 favorites]


RUSH. Rush is the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.

I unsheath my +3 Sword of Reckoning, and challenge the staff of Noisey to a duel.
posted by spinifex23 at 8:56 PM on August 28 [7 favorites]


Did anyone else buy Stop Making Music by BigSexyShaq on last.fm? This guy seriously sold me his book on amazon for $30, then bought it back for $80. Guy seemed a little neurotic and out there on the site, but then I found his YouTube channel. Damn that guy could sing!!
posted by oceanjesse at 8:59 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


Ok these people are obviously just missing the point which is their point, I guess. Is wasting energy a cool thing now?
posted by Meatafoecure at 9:00 PM on August 28


I laughed when I got to Whitney Houston, because it felt like a self-acknowledgment of just how pointless and paper-thin this exercise was.
posted by user92371 at 9:08 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


YES
No.


Admirably succinct.
posted by Daily Alice at 9:08 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


The picture of Statler and Waldorf was perfectly appropriate, because most of this felt like it was written by Muppets. (And not the GOOD Muppets like Kermit or Rowlf, more like Fozzie, Gonzo and Rizzo)

At least, by omission, they proved the musical superiority of Aerosmith, Ace of Base, The Archies, The Black Eyed Peas, Coldplay (or Maroon 5 or Matchbox 20 or Nickelback*), Coolio, Andy Gibb, Carly Rae Jepsen, The Knack, LMFAO, Meat Loaf, Olivia Newton-John, Ted Nugent, Donny & Marie Osmond, Red Hot Chili Peppers, T-Pain, and Vanilla Ice. (Or at least proved themselves incapable of coming up with anything funny about musical acts that ACTUALLY DO SUCK)
*no use repeating the same cheapshot joke more than once

Every one of the 'something for everybody' website networks has at least one subsite that has no excuse for existing. This is Vice's.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:11 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


Second, because I somehow imagine that would piss off Kanye worse than any of the other entries would piss off anyone else mentioned on the page.

Y'know, I was trying to unpack that one and failed, and now I'm sure you've got it. All the others could be laughed off by anyone as the usual smack from the usual type, heard it a thousand times. But that one was actually meant to hurt.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:18 PM on August 28 [4 favorites]


Can this be the return of Dr. David Thorpe?!
posted by Apocryphon at 9:24 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


OK, how is Steely Dan not on this list?


The sort of person who makes this sort of list masturbates to Aja while admiring himself in the mirror.


That was funnier than anything on that list.
posted by soundguy99 at 9:35 PM on August 28 [6 favorites]


So, Journey is no one's favorite band?
posted by fuse theorem at 9:41 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


The only thing I'd add about Fleetwood Mac is that you can always tell which musical phrase Christine McVie is responsible for in any given song. It's the one that sounds like it's meant to be played with a plastic mallet on instrument made by Fisher-Price.

Not that I completely agree with you (like...90%, tops), but I am going to flog to death "sounds like it's meant to be played with a plastic mallet on instrument made by Fisher-Price" as my new catchphrase for anything audio I don't like.
posted by kjs3 at 9:43 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


No one really wants to read the "Dos" anyway.
posted by furtive at 9:47 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: The Answer Will Shock You!
posted by kjs3 at 9:48 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


RUSH: Rush is the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.

this is true, for me anyway, for about a year and a half in the late 1970s. But that was then, this is now.
posted by philip-random at 9:51 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


... and the KISS one is so accurate, it actually has me reconsidering everything I've ever loved.

The only thing worse than a talentless egomaniac is four of them. The only thing worse than four talentless egomaniacs is four talentless egomaniacs in clown make-up who slap their dumb-ass logo on every square inch of product they can get their paws on
posted by philip-random at 9:53 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


Only on the M's, and so far this has made me laugh so hard
posted by wats at 9:58 PM on August 28


YES
No.

Admirably succinct.


not really
posted by philip-random at 10:00 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]




YES
No.

Admirably succinct.
posted by Daily Alice at 9:08 PM on August 28 [+] [!]

Yeah I bet their whole piece was built upon that so they couldn't wait to get to it
posted by Meatafoecure at 10:22 PM on August 28


7.5% of this was good/funny. The rest felt like no particular effort was made whatsoever given how much potential there is for decent burns with most bands/artists on the list.

In conclusion: meh
posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:26 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


This brings to mind a blog c2000 where the author hated on pretty much all music people hold dear. A typical example would slag on My Bloody Valentine for using a bunch of effect pedals, and I recall her favorite piece of music was Cage's 4'33".

Anyone care to remember what it was called and then find it for me? Thanks.
posted by item at 10:41 PM on August 28


Scrolled down to Zappa and was disappointed.

How about this:
Zappa: suburban introspection that wouldn't even make /r/mildlyinteresting. Definition of "music that trips over itself". Zappa should've gone into politics.
posted by telstar at 10:53 PM on August 28 [2 favorites]


Plus, “Avril 14th” sounds like a shitty rip-off of Kanye West’s “Blame Game.”
The Brit nerds have been bleep blorp blooping away their career for 30 years now and still haven’t managed to make a decent song besides “Creep.”

Haaaah. Grade A trolling.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:54 PM on August 28


Also, lol at describing Outkast as one person. I didn't even catch that until I read the comments.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:59 PM on August 28 [1 favorite]


Please dont feed the trolls.
posted by elendil71 at 11:06 PM on August 28


MARVIN GAYE
How big of an asshole do you have to be to have your dad shoot you?


This is not ironic troll bait. This is just fucking awful.
posted by helmutdog at 11:54 PM on August 28 [17 favorites]


Rock and troll
posted by thelonius at 12:28 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


People need to add WARNING : VICE to their Vice links. Its like the Daily Mail for the under 50s
posted by devious truculent and unreliable at 12:37 AM on August 29 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter: the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.

I can't believe nobody beat me to that one
posted by drfu at 12:39 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Appetite For Destruction wins Best Album of All Time If We're Honest:
Guns n' Roses' debut album has been named the greatest album ever by a judging panel tired of lying to themselves...

Judge Helen Archer, part of a panel of industry executives and senior journalists, said: “We were talking about OK Computer, Highway 61 Revisited, Revolver, Astral fucking Weeks, all that unbearable crap, sick to our stomachs about what we’d become.

“One night, after a particularly difficult session of pretending to appreciate Kraftwerk, we hit the beers, then six bottles of Jack and a whole lot of cigarettes.

“The last thing I remember was air-soloing to Paradise City, though apparently after I’d blacked out I smashed every other album with a hammer and got this sweet G ‘N’ R tattoo.”
posted by TheophileEscargot at 12:50 AM on August 29 [4 favorites]


Next time someone disses Led Zeppelin, I can point them to this list and say "here's proof that they are objectively better than the Beatles, the Stones, and Bob Dylan!"
posted by TedW at 1:06 AM on August 29


Clickbait 101
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:10 AM on August 29


Led Zeppelin: brought paranoid misogyny to me when I needed it most.
posted by telstar at 1:14 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


BEASTIE BOYS

Obnoxious, ironic white boys taking the hot sound of black America, white-washing it, and half-assedly farting it back on over to the suburbs? Is that a description of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis? Nope! It’s the Beastie Boys. If the Beasties came out in 2014, we’d all fucking hate them.


Oh, we all hated them in 1984. And then. And then we came to understand.
posted by chavenet at 1:15 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


Aphex Twin confuses making boring music using hypothetically interesting methods without actually making interesting music. Plus, “Avril 14th” sounds like a shitty rip-off of Kanye West’s “Blame Game.”

Doesn't "Avril 14th" predate "Blame Game" by about 10 years ?
posted by Pendragon at 1:16 AM on August 29


You’re supposed to like Björk because your older brother who studied art at community college told you to, but it’s hard to like somebody who sings like they’re trying to get a Honda off using only sound waves.

Hey, that's why I like Björk !
posted by Pendragon at 1:18 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


This list is actually an historical moment: we've reached the point where
the critical mind has joined the two ends of the spectrum of musical discourse
one to the other - the long-feared hipster-rube cusp! Not the Big Bang but the
Lester Bang!
posted by Chitownfats at 1:56 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


I like taking the bolt gun to sacred cows as much as the next nasty old curmudgeon, but this basically fails because it contains so many objectively and demonstrably wrong statements amidst the scattergun bile-spraying. And yes I did see the "objectively correct lists" subtitle. That doesn't get them off the hook.
posted by Decani at 2:03 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


Insane Clown Posse is not on the list. Ergo, the author is a Juggalo. It all makes sense now.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:21 AM on August 29 [5 favorites]


Beyoncé™

posted by colie at 3:26 AM on August 29


"And how lame is it to name your band after the genre you’re in? Who the fuck would listen to a rap group called Rappica?"

I laughed out loud in the office at this.

A+ will be quoting at parties on the weekend.
posted by illongruci at 4:09 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


I could not parse: "Aphex Twin confuses making boring music using hypothetically interesting methods without actually making interesting music." Is that supposed to be a "with" ?
posted by psolo at 4:27 AM on August 29


JIMI HENDRIX

This guy could only play one instrument.


And apparently no-one pointed out to him that he was playing it upside-down.
posted by ogooglebar at 4:32 AM on August 29 [6 favorites]


Your favorite band sucks

Devo isn't on the list, so apparently not.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:43 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Anyone care to remember what it was called and then find it for me? Thanks.

“I Hate Music”, by Tanya Headon (who may or may not have been a nom de plume for Tom “Poptimism” Ewing)
posted by acb at 4:45 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


I like taking the bolt gun to sacred cows as much as the next nasty old curmudgeon, but this basically fails because it contains so many objectively and demonstrably wrong statements amidst the scattergun bile-spraying

Yep. I did laugh at loud at much of this, such as the Eric Clapton one, but saying Elvis Costello "started out as an overt racist" before becoming an "overt appropriator" is a pretty poor summary, even if you want to knock the guy down a peg.
posted by C.A.S. at 5:00 AM on August 29


From ALL OUR FAVORITE BANDS SUCK to Zappa, these are the “posts” who have ruined mefi.
posted by Flood at 5:23 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


Of course all popular musicians are mediocre by nature, but are sold to the public with the right image. You cut arts funding, what kid is going to have the ear to know quality? Dress up the band/singer like a streetwalker, give them a cool background "story" to generate fake press and/or controversy and filter everything through Autotune and watch the hilarious high jinks as people argue which band is better or say with a straight face that there are some discernible differences between rival bands.
You are selling sex and a safe and innocuous form of anarchy, not music.
It is cheap, easy, and disposable entertainment and misdirection to lull kids into not setting the school on fire.
Sometimes genuine talent can sneak in every once in a while, but not often enough because you can either concentrate on the music or on selling your act to the brass and public, but not both...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 5:24 AM on August 29


That was the stupidest thing I've ever read. Unless it was supposed to be a joke, but even then it was kind of stupid. I wish I hadn't given the author a page hit. He needs to be back working at Quizno's with the rest of the untalented hacks.
posted by freecellwizard at 5:25 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


Hey, I like Quizno's!
posted by kuanes at 5:29 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Your favourite sandwich sucks.
posted by Artful Codger at 5:32 AM on August 29 [5 favorites]


I thought there were some amusing jokes in there, because your favourite band probably sucks, but then I realised they had never actually listened to Joy Division and so I felt sad for them.
posted by Mezentian at 5:33 AM on August 29


Your favourite sandwich sucks.

Damn, but everyone loves vegemite!
posted by Mezentian at 5:34 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Sophomoric drivel shot through with an occasional solid hit. Like something a new hire at the National Lampoon back in the eighties would write to dazzle his bosses.

The comments here were of a much higher calibre, but that's MeFi for ya, comments more interesting than the OP link!
posted by Agave at 5:40 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


The top 427 click bait sites that have ruined the web.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:55 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


I think I too wrote this kind of cretinous crap in high school, but if there are the 123 worst musicians of all time, why is virtually every piece of popular music since they came along a carbon copy of something that they did? Or, to use their slam on Elvis Costello, an "overt appropriator" (oooh! big pretentious SAT words!)?

"Overdramatic, coked-out buffoon who could barely hit a note and whose career would have exploded in a flash of bad ideas in the mid-70s if he hadn’t hitched his wagon to Brian Eno." Oh, okay, I see where they're going with this now. As long as you're not Richard James and you can somehow lay claim to being an EDM progenitor, you're safe.

Have to agree about Eric B and Rakim, though.
posted by blucevalo at 5:55 AM on August 29


Oh, I doubt they were serious.

And most of these just weren't clever. I mean, everyone goes for the Tom-Waits-has-a-freaky-ass-voice trope, maybe branch out a little?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:59 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


Jim Croce is not on this list.

The Four Seasons are not on this list.

Meat Loaf is not.

Alice Cooper isn't.

Def Leppard.

The people who wrote the list are also not on it. Obviously, it's worthless.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:16 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


A lot of these are lazy, but some are spot on. Overall, a fun exercise in self sneering.

PS: In fairness to AC/DC, their penises were pretty great.
posted by echocollate at 6:17 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Was I the only one who read this as a parody of similar lazily-written lists?
posted by schmod at 6:20 AM on August 29 [14 favorites]


but saying Elvis Costello "started out as an overt racist" before becoming an "overt appropriator" is a pretty poor summary, even if you want to knock the guy down a peg.

Especially compared to the U2 entry, where there was a lot of stuff they could have said (so much that there has even been a book written about how awful Bono is) but they stuck to a lame joke about sunglasses.

It's almost as if they're trolling or something.
posted by acb at 6:31 AM on August 29


RUSH: Rush is the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.



That is not...inaccurate.


*hums "Fly By Night"*
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:35 AM on August 29 [4 favorites]


schmod: Was I the only one who read this as a parody of similar lazily-written lists?

Apparently. Come on, this is VICE Mag for pete's sake. Are you all reading "this guy was indulgent enough to make a double album with two sides that didn’t even really fit together" w.r.t. Outkast and actually taking it at face value?

Meanwhile still cracking up, over here in my corner.
posted by capricorn at 6:48 AM on August 29 [10 favorites]


Of course all popular musicians are mediocre by nature, but are sold to the public with the right image.

I seriously can't tell if this, and the rest of your comment, is sarcastic or not. (The internet has ruined me.)
posted by girlmightlive at 6:52 AM on August 29


Gotta spin some Rush today and fly my geek flag high.

OK, most of this list was poor but there were a few that made me laugh. Sad to report that the Beach Boys and Doors entries were not humor, just truth.
posted by Ber at 6:53 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


The only thing I really got out of it is that whether it means to or not, it hits home as metacommentary about how stupid it is to expect musical acts to meet arbitrary, inflated and irrelevant expectations.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:55 AM on August 29


Unless it was supposed to be a joke
How is it that half the people here are taking this list seriously? Is there some level of meta-humor here that I'm missing, wherein Metafilter commenters pretend that the obvious attempt at humor was a serious analysis so they can respond in-character?
7.5% of this was good/funny.
That's a more reasonable complaint. I thought skimming over the other 92.5% was worth it to stumble into gems like: "THE CURE: This band just made music about crying", but even that bit of hilarity then had sub-filler-quality padding appended.
posted by roystgnr at 6:56 AM on August 29 [6 favorites]


It is also true that I am a dork.
posted by capricorn at 6:56 AM on August 29


This guy could only play one instrument.


Well...not very many anyway...
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 6:57 AM on August 29


Yeah, calling Fugazi "the choice for Minor Threat fans who can't do a push-up" is actually pretty funny.


Also, the bit about Crass and back patches.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:58 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


Like most people here, My response to this list is lukewarm (although I agree that the Kanye one feels somehow crueler than all the others in a way that's unexpectedly thrilling), but, like the Medieval Beasts that Just Can't Buzzfeed thing, I'd love to see this style applied to something totally unexpected, like Irish heroes.

FINN MCCOOL
For someone who supposedly ate the Salmon of Knowledge, how come you always act like such a fucking idiot?

BADB
Are really really supposed to think the Irish were great warriors when they get repeatedly bewildered during battle by a crow. Oh, it's a magic crow, is it really, now? And when you fell down and accidentally decapitated Paedric, was that because you step in some magic mud?
posted by maxsparber at 6:59 AM on August 29 [6 favorites]


Dear Maxsparber:

Marry me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:01 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


I think maybe this is the new level of arch, meta-humor (?) where no one can REALLY tell if it's all a big joke, or if the authors are seriously ripping on my favorite band, or if it's just ineffectual humor . . . ultimately, it feels like a level of irony that is sort of pointless in it's obscurity and just makes me tired. Maybe that's just me.
posted by gorbichov at 7:02 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


I started by hating this and ended up kinda loving it. No RHCP though.
posted by malocchio at 7:03 AM on August 29


I'm not sure what makes you more gullible, hating this list because you think it is real or liking this list because you think it is real. Perhaps you should enjoy these more remedial facts about music?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:04 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


I was trapped in a car recently with some 90s rock and the point about Sonic Youth being a cassette band is very true. I was much more of a captive audience then. In the age of digital, I wanted to skip most of the tracks on Last Splash last week, and I wore that tape it when I got it 20 years ago.
posted by Lardmitten at 7:06 AM on August 29


So much more he could have written about almost all of these. I mean, snide is fun if you're in a certain mood or under a certain age, but so much of these aren't worth the effort, and those that are the effort are worth a lot more effort.

Lazy writer.
posted by IndigoJones at 7:08 AM on August 29


Rush Jethro Tull is the soundtrack to being a fucking dork.

*weeping softly into my Renaissance festival leather mug*
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:08 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


This is a sort of trolling trolls list that confuses and upsets the hell out of everyone. Sounds like something Vice would put out.

Though I actually agree about Fleetwood Mac, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Beastie Boys and some others. They really need to add Nick Cave to this list.
posted by ChuckRamone at 7:08 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


*reads Smiths and Cure entries*

Validation at last!!
posted by jonmc at 7:09 AM on August 29


Ok, I get it now. The comments here, and on the original article, are the young person equivalent of taking the Onion seriously.
posted by girlmightlive at 7:15 AM on August 29 [19 favorites]


No Jethro Tull and no Pogues.

My taste in music can not be criticized.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:16 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


young person equivalent

Err not sure what you mean by young but I feel like most of the reading comprehension issues leading to both positive and negative reactions here are mostly by Gen X "MUSIC JOURNALISM IS SRS BZNISS" folks.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:20 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Well, there's no Neil Diamond either, so don't read too much into that. Also no Genesis (Gabriel or Collins) or for that matter Dave Matthews. However, the absence of Gordon Lightfoot should be regarded as significant.

The weird one is Justin Timberlake -- I have a vague idea who Vice thinks their readers are and I can't really see them imagining him as someone they'd listen to.
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:22 AM on August 29


I am going to flog to death "sounds like it's meant to be played with a plastic mallet on instrument made by Fisher-Price" as my new catchphrase for anything audio I don't like.

Dunno, plastic mallets on Fisher-Price instruments sounds like it could be pretty cool.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:23 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


While most of that article was largely untrue/unfunny, there was one review that I would agree with:

KISS
The only thing worse than a talentless egomaniac is four of them. The only thing worse than four talentless egomaniacs is four talentless egomaniacs in clown make-up who slap their dumb-ass logo on every square inch of product they can get their paws on.

That one was both true and funny.
posted by prepmonkey at 7:23 AM on August 29


As a "goth", I'd say it was fairly accurate about my favorite bands. Except I think there are 3 listenable Joy Division songs. And none are dancable.
posted by _paegan_ at 7:24 AM on August 29


Except I think there are 3 listenable Joy Division songs. And none are dancable.

Not even Transmission?
posted by acb at 7:25 AM on August 29 [4 favorites]


These comments are confusing me. Isn't the whole point of this piece a satire on cheap, stupid dismissals of significant bands (for varying values of "significant")? I mean, we're not meant to see any of this as representing the actual opinions of the authors, are we? I thought this whole thing was just a pisstake on the way the internet eventually pisses on pretty much everyone (i.e. "your favorite band sucks").
posted by yoink at 7:33 AM on August 29 [11 favorites]


Isn't the whole point of this piece a satire on cheap, stupid dismissals of significant bands (for varying values of "significant")?

"Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8."
posted by octobersurprise at 7:36 AM on August 29


These comments are confusing me. Isn't the whole point of this piece a satire on cheap, stupid dismissals of significant bands (for varying values of "significant")? I mean, we're not meant to see any of this as representing the actual opinions of the authors, are we?

That's one way to interpret it; the other interpretation is essentially “everybody's shit stinks”.
posted by acb at 7:39 AM on August 29


These comments are confusing me. Isn't the whole point of this piece a satire on cheap, stupid dismissals of significant bands (for varying values of "significant")?

It looks to me like a satire of that, the Internet in general, and the current trend of speaking hyperbolically and insanely about whatever topic is under discussion. Everything is just maxed out to the extreme because there's so much competing for our attention. It's also just a brand of humor where you say things that sound funny to say because that's funny in and of itself, regardless of what "truth" the jokes contain.
posted by ChuckRamone at 7:42 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


Tags: the best list of all time, not satire, this is definitely a real list that conveys exactly how we feel, we hate music so much that's why we work for a music website, honestly what does any list mean?, THIS IS IN NO WAY A JOKE, EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST 100 PERCENT SERIOUSLY, absolutely in no way meant to be taken in remotely any sort of jest, music is not our lives, every thing said in this is 100 percent an accurate reported fact and not a stupid fake fact that we made up we promise, gotta love music, THIS IS REAL
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:43 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]



This guy could only play one instrument.


it's true. Rick Wakeman is objectively magnitudes better than everybody.
posted by philip-random at 7:45 AM on August 29


Isn't the whole point of this piece a satire on cheap, stupid dismissals of significant bands (for varying values of "significant")?

So Beck is not the sonic equivalent to a fedora? Because I've long felt that he is.
posted by philip-random at 7:49 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


I couldn't even make it half-way down the list. I guess I've finally developed hate fatigue. Inevitable, I suppose.
posted by tommasz at 7:49 AM on August 29


JIMI HENDRIX

This guy could only play one instrument.


I wish he had dismissed literally all of jazz on the basis that they just make it up as they go along.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 7:50 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


it's true. Rick Wakeman is objectively magnitudes better than everybody.

Especially when wearing a cape!
posted by TedW at 7:51 AM on August 29


No one hates music more than Tanya Headon. Even metafilter recognized that back in the day. Ms Headon hated music so much she just up and vanished and probably lives on some island where she nurses her hate to keep it warm.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:53 AM on August 29


Madonna. Ya got that right.
posted by uraniumwilly at 8:03 AM on August 29


Was I the only one who read this as a parody of similar lazily-written lists?

No.

Except I think there are 3 listenable Joy Division songs. And none are dancable.

I would agree that none are dancable, but so few songs are. However, there are many JD songs that are danceable:

Isolation
Ice Age
Transmission (nice meta acb)
Walked in Line
The Kill
Dead Souls (particularly popular with the goth horrible concept dancing crowd)
Disorder
Insight
Shadowplay (this also offers a number of opportunities for horrible concept dancing)
Wilderness

Others are great for convulsive anger dancing.
posted by juiceCake at 8:05 AM on August 29


I thought it was mostly self-deprecating humor and barring a few exceptions most had some degree of truth about them on some level, even if we're not willing to acknowledge it.
posted by Gev at 8:11 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


A good number of these are accurate, but.....

...wasn't there a reason we stopped posting The Beast's 50 Most Loathsome Americans lists, and doesn't it apply here too?
posted by JHarris at 8:12 AM on August 29


Can't stop reading these. Officially having a great morning.

Spend all your time on Soundcloud/Bandcamp and find that one dude from Dubuque, Iowa who is chopping a pitched-up Curtis Mayfield sample for the nineteenth time, maybe you two can collaborate on a track with the Akai MPC controller you just bought from the clearance section of TurntableLab. With luck you’ll get picked up by a Bandcamp record label and your song will be featured on a Bandcamp singles compilation that five people will listen to, or a Bandcamp rapper might hop on the “Bandcamp All-Stars” remix of your shitty Bandcamp song you posted on Bandcamp. Bandcamp.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:12 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Billy Corgan...looking like what happens when Hellraiser and middle-aged Charlie Brown have a baby,

Snort.
posted by ian1977 at 8:19 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


The comments here, and on the original article, are the young person equivalent of taking the Onion seriously.

Yeah, some of the people really aren't getting the joke. It's perfectly reasonable if you don't like the joke, but a lot of people plain aren't getting it. This list is not making fun of bands, it's making fun of people who make fun of bands (e.g. hipsters and curmudgeons). If the presence of the Beatles near the top of the list wasn't a clue, then you're just taking it too seriously. I mean, the knock on Jimi Hendrix was that he could play only one instrument...c'mon! I thought they were being too obvious at that point. The thing that makes it confusing is that it's mixed in with some genuinely sharp and well-deserved digs at groups like Kiss.
posted by Edgewise at 8:30 AM on August 29 [14 favorites]


It's actually a little scary just how much this guy looks like me at a particular point in my life. And I do love a good drone! (Though I stopped trying to read Wittgenstein years ago.) On that basis and on the basis of the rest of the humor I'm going to conclude that "the Noisey Staff" is my mom.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:40 AM on August 29


As a list, this list sucks.
As a meta-commentary on lists that suck, this list sucks.
But if this is really an ironic meta-commentary on hipster meta-commentaries of lists that suck, it's fucking genius!
posted by rocket88 at 8:46 AM on August 29


The danger of making a parody of something that is annoying and shitty is that if your parody hews too rigorously to the source that it's lampooning then your parody will also be annoying and shitty.

I'm reminded of a similar thought I had about Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof--not a parody, but an homage to shitty B-movies. Tarantino set out to play tribute to shitty B-movies and that's exactly what he made.
posted by MoonOrb at 8:58 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


interesting treatise on backpacker racism.
posted by ennui.bz at 9:17 AM on August 29


Tags: the best list of all time, not satire, this is definitely a real list that conveys exactly how we feel, we hate music so much that's why we work for a music website, honestly what does any list mean?, THIS IS IN NO WAY A JOKE, EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST 100 PERCENT SERIOUSLY, absolutely in no way meant to be taken in remotely any sort of jest, music is not our lives, every thing said in this is 100 percent an accurate reported fact and not a stupid fake fact that we made up we promise, gotta love music, THIS IS REAL

Well, exactly. Isn't that a big flashing neon sign saying "dude, this is obviously a joke"?
posted by yoink at 9:19 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


oneswellfoop: "The picture of Statler and Waldorf was perfectly appropriate, because most of this felt like it was written by Muppets. (And not the GOOD Muppets like Kermit or Rowlf, more like Fozzie, Gonzo and Rizzo)"

YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT FOZZIE
posted by Chrysostom at 9:26 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


JHarris: "...wasn't there a reason we stopped posting The Beast's 50 Most Loathsome Americans lists, and doesn't it apply here too?"

We did post it last year, and it looks like they haven't done one this year.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:30 AM on August 29


This list is not making fun of bands, it's making fun of people who make fun of bands (e.g. hipsters and curmudgeons).

Okay, having read the other Noisey Staff article posted above, I'm almost definitely certain that this is where a certain former Something Awful column migrated to. HE HAS WRITTEN THIS EXACT TYPE OF THING BEFORE. And to video games.
posted by Apocryphon at 9:57 AM on August 29


As the original poster (first post, thank you very much), I just wanna say: (1) obviously it's parody- here's a clue: the Beatles; another clue: the Rolling Stones; (2) I thought it was a funny & clever parody of rock critics/lists/our favorite bands & their fans (including me). Still do. (Not all of it, of course.) I'm glad some others do too. If you don't find it funny, don't laugh.
posted by wmoskowi at 10:02 AM on August 29 [3 favorites]


Even though I was offended when the writer made fun of my favourite bands, I thought some of these were very witty. It is very difficult to be funny, and so I salute the writer of this listicle for trying.

The Rush one was dead-on, IMHO.
posted by Nevin at 10:18 AM on August 29


What's even funnier is that some people take this list seriously, and take the time to prepare a defense of their favourite band.
posted by Nevin at 10:20 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


It's nice to see Brent DiCrescenzo has gotten back into the music criticism game!
posted by en forme de poire at 10:46 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


I'm not particularly enamored of the "I'm not *actually* insulting X, it's a joke!" sort of thing. Far too often an excuse to slip in actual insults and then deny responsibility.
posted by Zalzidrax at 10:57 AM on August 29


Did they just go through youtube and lift their favorite comments?
posted by psycho-alchemy at 11:00 AM on August 29


Did they just go through youtube and lift their favorite comments?

That was my original assumption when I started reading the piece--that it was a collation of dumb internet "your favorite band sucks" comments. But I suspect they just crafted these "in the style of."
posted by yoink at 11:05 AM on August 29


Your favorite MetaFilter comments suck.
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 11:06 AM on August 29 [1 favorite]


Is this "everything sucks" shit still funny? I'll pass, thanks.
posted by Liquidwolf at 11:23 AM on August 29


Judging from the comments, I guess I'm finally at the stage where I'm too old to know when I've been trolled by a listsicle. Oh, well. Aging gracefully is way overrated anyhow.
posted by blucevalo at 11:27 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


At least you're not too old to read the thread before posting in it. That's some usenet type junx..
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:33 AM on August 29


This list was really funny, and particularly so because 'taking pop/rock music seriously on its own terms' is always pointless.
posted by colie at 11:39 AM on August 29 [2 favorites]


Written by: Noisey Staff
Aug 27 2014
Tags: the best list of all time, not satire, this is definitely a real list that conveys exactly how we feel, we hate music so much that's why we work for a music website, honestly what does any list mean?, THIS IS IN NO WAY A JOKE, EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST 100 PERCENT SERIOUSLY, absolutely in no way meant to be taken in remotely any sort of jest, music is not our lives, every thing said in this is 100 percent an accurate reported fact and not a stupid fake fact that we made up we promise, gotta love music, THIS IS REAL


If there was an actual name listed as the author, I'd be the first to send them hate mail.
It seemed to me that the age of the author was someone born in 2009. So pretty good for a 5 year old.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 1:28 PM on August 29


Except for Beach Boys, Beatles, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Elvis Costello, Creme, Marvin Gaye, Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson, , Janis Joplin, Bob Marley, Willie Nelson, Queen, Otis Redding, Tom Waits, Amy Winehouse, Stevie Wonder/Ray Charles, and Yes - I agree.
posted by Vibrissae at 1:43 PM on August 29


In fairness to AC/DC, their penises were pretty great.

I know Bonn Scott might be a bit mummified by now, but what's wrong with the other guys'?
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:55 PM on August 29


It's actually a little scary just how much this guy looks like me at a particular point in my life. And I do love a good drone! (Though I stopped trying to read Wittgenstein years ago.) On that basis and on the basis of the rest of the humor I'm going to conclude that "the Noisey Staff" is my mom.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:40 AM on August 29


/spittake Good grief! I THINK I TOOK THAT PHOTO. (My alumni office used it in a newsletter in 2007, and it's since escaped into the wild.)
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 3:07 PM on August 29 [2 favorites]


This is basically "let's get drunk and troll our readers". Kinda worked, too.

If there were any justice in this world, we’d remember Blondie not for having played CBGB but because Debbie Harry was the first truly horrible white rapper.

Mostly what I remember when I listen to Blondie is HOW FUCKING GOOD their drummer is.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:55 PM on August 29 [2 favorites]


Mostly what I remember when I listen to Blondie is HOW FUCKING GOOD their drummer is.

Clem Burke. Unbelievably good live.

Keith Moon, Clem Burke, Stewart Copeland, the best lead drummers of rock.

OT: Them critic kids is just plain mean.
posted by Chitownfats at 6:12 PM on August 29


I loved Clem Burke's Blondie drumming too, so I was surprised to read in Johnny Ramone's memoir that Clem couldn't cut it as Elvis Ramone- how hard could drumming for the Ramones be, right? Then I listened to Elvis Ramone on YouTube & he really sounds awful. Which goes to prove- I'm not sure what exactly....
posted by wmoskowi at 7:20 PM on August 29


Which goes to prove- I'm not sure what exactly....

Dunning-Kruger?
posted by Mental Wimp at 7:50 PM on August 29


"Which goes to prove- I'm not sure what exactly...."

That Burke wasn't a basher. I mean. c'mon, the Ramones were of inestimable
pop cultural importance, but musically they were about as interesting as
a lawn mower with a busted distributor ... Hey, I'm inadvertently channeling
Noisey!
posted by Chitownfats at 6:07 AM on August 30


I know Bonn Scott might be a bit mummified by now, but what's wrong with the other guys'?

If I recall, one is dead and another is dying.

(But, as someone who has leapt, if not technically danced, over Bon Scott's grave, don't mind me).
posted by Mezentian at 7:44 AM on August 30


Surprised at the number of people who don't see this as satirical...clearly is a joke. FWIW if it was true click-bait, it'd have breaks every 10 artists. Having the whole list on a single page isn't terrible.

The Phish Shreds It video was funny enough that I walked outside to stop laughing at my office.
posted by GreyboxHero at 2:14 PM on August 30 [4 favorites]


Is this "everything sucks" shit still funny? I'll pass, thanks.

But you didn't pass, you didn't.
posted by furtive at 7:46 AM on August 31 [5 favorites]


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