"In terms of beer, cutting 1 metre of the board cost 54.3 litres of it."

September 12, 2014 12:58 PM

The story of the world’s longest wooden board.
posted by jessamyn (35 comments total)

They made the rest of the tree into the world's longest table, at which over 2,000 Santa Clauses gather each year.

I think you buried the lede here, jess.
posted by Curious Artificer at 1:15 PM on September 12, 2014 [23 favorites]

omg, I didn't even know the lede
posted by jessamyn at 1:19 PM on September 12, 2014 [11 favorites]

45.53m x 54.3 l/m = 2526.579 liters of beer. I doubt the cuts were straight but I bet everyone was happy.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:19 PM on September 12, 2014

I'm so happy for those people of whose existence I was unaware 5 minutes ago!

That's really great, and I hope that one day I can be part of something so monumental.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 1:28 PM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

We live in a world where creativity is a prerequisite for success. Guided by this principle, we decided to make the Centre for Education and Regional Promotion a well-known place, full of exciting concepts and ideas. The wooden board is just one of them.

I am deeply proud of this neighborhood landmark. Take that, world.
posted by pracowity at 1:28 PM on September 12, 2014 [5 favorites]

This almost reads like something from Larry Niven's Smoke Ring with the kilometers long "integral trees" that float in the gas torus, and the zero-G loggers who harvest them with steam powered rocket-boats.

Granted, integral trees are known to tear themselves apart under tidal forces, so don't expect any kilometer long beer garden tables.
posted by loquacious at 1:29 PM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

At first I thought it was a little weird how the article kind of makes it sound like it's a big matter of national pride and identity. Then I noticed it was written by the Centre for ... Regional Promotion. Now I am gleefully imagining they talk that way about everything.
posted by aubilenon at 1:29 PM on September 12, 2014 [6 favorites]

That is some gnarly longboarding
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:31 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Santas’ Council, gathered at the world's largest table, swear to help children not only on 6 December, but throughout the year.

Polish Santa Justice League!
posted by Iridic at 1:33 PM on September 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

They also have a beer bath!
posted by tofu_crouton at 1:34 PM on September 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

Chairman of the Board.
posted by GuyZero at 1:34 PM on September 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

Until I read this article, I basically had no idea how badly I want to participate in a two-man-sawing beer-drinking timber-into-lumbering event in a place where such things are traditionally held.

Very badly indeed, it turns out.
posted by gauche at 1:44 PM on September 12, 2014 [4 favorites]

Fun Fact: Doug Fir, not a true fir.
posted by humboldt32 at 1:54 PM on September 12, 2014

I think that's for Douglas to decide.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:02 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

The region being promoted also features an upside down house, the world's largest piano (or at least one of them), and many other attractions.
posted by effbot at 2:11 PM on September 12, 2014 [3 favorites]

(and yeah, for the curious, this is in Pomerania on the southern shores of the Baltic Sea, a part of Europe with a long and varied history.)
posted by effbot at 2:19 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

tl;
posted by Fizz at 2:20 PM on September 12, 2014 [6 favorites]

I kept trying to think up a bon mot about the Poles beating the Germans to take back the record but all I could hear was Basil Fawlty saying "Don't mention the war!"
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 2:32 PM on September 12, 2014

Possible future meetup location?
posted by Itaxpica at 2:41 PM on September 12, 2014

!
from the site : Beer bath is a specially designed wooden tub filled in with water and with a special mixture of malt, hops and yeast - the very essence of beer itself - added to it. The optimal temperature of 36°C helps air bubbles to mix with the malt, hops and yeast so that it penetrates the skin deeper. You can also simultaneously enjoy one of the Kaszebska Korona beers, while taking a bath and relax in a nice atmosphere.

searching for tickets....
posted by OHenryPacey at 2:59 PM on September 12, 2014

oh tofu beat me to it
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:00 PM on September 12, 2014

In terms of beer, cutting 1 metre of the board cost 54.3 litres of it.

For a moments there, before I figured out that this was the amount of beer they donated to the effort, I thought that this was a culture that did not describe volume in terms of 'litres' but rather in terms of 'litres of beer'. As in, the gas tank is 50 litres of beer. The swimming pool is 10,000 litres of beer.

Which would be awesome.
posted by jimmythefish at 3:08 PM on September 12, 2014

My birthday is Dec 6; I'd completely forgotten over the years that it's Saint Nicholas Day, when (among other traditions) children leave their boots outside their doors on St. Nick's eve, and St. Nick fills their boots with gifts and sweets. To learn that the gathering of the Clauses happens on Dec 6, here, where they also have a beer bath and upside down houses?

My inner child is wiggling uncontrollably.
posted by not_on_display at 3:41 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

So, they killed a giant tree to prove a human point. While I understand the human angle here. Still. They had to kill that tree.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:23 PM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

That does seem like a lot of beer.

More on the world's largest piano; the Polish Santa Claus Association; whatever this thing is.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 5:48 PM on September 12, 2014

OMG the World's Largest Piano:

We would like to start a new tradition – playing the national anthem of every gold-winning athlete on this largest piano.

SURE WHY NOT.

The whole website is so endearingly enthusiastic.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 5:53 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Shove ha'penny just got real.
posted by arcticseal at 8:42 PM on September 12, 2014

clvrmnky: 51 m tall and 120 years old is a pretty unremarkable Doug Fir. There are tens of thousands of bigger and older ones in the Pacific Northwest, so try not to shed too many tears.

Seating hundreds of beer drinking Santas is a great destiny for a tree.
posted by monotreme at 8:59 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Our Douglas fir had been growing for 120 years in a ravine on the northern slope. It was over 51 meters high! The tree was not a problem to cut down, [...]

Maybe it's not really a remarkable age for this kind of tree, but the offhand way they describe cutting down a 120 year old tree is somewhat jarring. If it's an American import, it must have been pretty unique for Europe - that's got to count for something.
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:51 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I was kinda thinking it was kind of sad a tree that grand got made into a novelty item.

(Throws out another ream of paper crap which arrived in the mail today.)
posted by maxwelton at 12:54 AM on September 13, 2014

Wow! That's what I call some serious wood.

I didn't get board even once reading about it.
posted by Twang at 1:28 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

pretty unique for Europe

You cannot tell from the Wikipedia distribution map, but it's been in Europe for some 200 years by now, used both in plantations and naturalized, so probably not that unique.

Douglas was actually the guy who introduced it in Europe, not the guy who discovered it 30 years earlier (one Archibald Menzies, which explains the scientific name Pseudotsuga menziesii).

It was introduced in Poland in 1833, if I'm reading my Internet correctly.
posted by effbot at 1:53 AM on September 13, 2014

I just announced the length of the world's longest board to my wife and daughter. They were not, I think, sufficiently impressed.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:05 AM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

FYI, that's 4.37 gallons of beer / foot of wood in proper imperial units...
posted by garethspor at 8:32 PM on September 13, 2014

not_on_display: ROAD TRIP!
posted by terrapin at 6:15 AM on September 14, 2014