Butt Candles

January 29, 2002 5:26 PM

Butt Candles are an exciting, and time honored, device for internal cleansing. Their slogan? "Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack be at buttcandle.com".

And don't miss the FAQ section on how to avoid "folicular ignition".
posted by paulrockNJ (21 comments total)

sorry about that......

http://www.buttcandle.com/
posted by paulrockNJ at 5:28 PM on January 29, 2002

Reminds me of ear candling--a pseudo-scientific process in which you burn a candle attached to a cone-shaped device stuck in an ear to create a low-level vacuum that sucks out all the impurities from your brain, your sinus, your eardrum, etc.. (total bullshit of course).
posted by bloggboy at 5:30 PM on January 29, 2002

that was, um, enlightening.

Well, I suppose it's better to light one candle than to curse the stanky anus.
posted by jonmc at 5:41 PM on January 29, 2002

My favorite part of the Procedure section:

"Many people find it relaxing to take a warm shower upon completion."
posted by mkelley at 5:49 PM on January 29, 2002

Wouldn't it be cheaper to get someone to suck on your rusty sheriff's badge?


*
posted by hellinskira at 5:57 PM on January 29, 2002

Q: Is the ButtCandle approved by the FDA?
A: No.

What a surprise.
posted by phalkin at 6:11 PM on January 29, 2002

Phalkin: Duh. It doesn't work. Since (uh) fecal matter is so dense and there is so much of it, the pressure required to extract it would rupture the intestines. Absolutely *nothing* happens when you use the buttcandle. And no, I haven't used it personally. :-)
posted by bloggboy at 7:00 PM on January 29, 2002

Define personally.
posted by Kafkaesque at 7:18 PM on January 29, 2002

I bet you look kinda funny laying on your back with a candle sticking out of your ass... that free 'how to' video has GOT to be a crowd pleaser!
posted by spilon at 8:16 PM on January 29, 2002

And don't miss the FAQ section on how to avoid "folicular ignition".

This reminds me of a story a friend told me--back in the 70s, he was sitting in Cowan Park one sunny summer day, smoking a cigarette, reading a book when he felt the unmistakable affatal prodrome. Since he'd heard all these jokes all his life about lighting farts, he clicked on his Bic. And when the moment came: poof! A giant ball of blue flame scorched all the hair off his legs--he was wearing cut offs--and gave him 1st degree burns on the inside of his thighs. He then frog marched home sadder but wiser. Don't Not Try This At Home!
posted by y2karl at 8:40 PM on January 29, 2002

Er, either don't or do not.
posted by y2karl at 8:41 PM on January 29, 2002

How is "your friend" doing karl? dating anyone from Canada that we wouldn't know?
posted by tj at 9:22 PM on January 29, 2002

He were a Viet Nam vet. I are not. S'truth.
But I did profit from his example.
posted by y2karl at 9:30 PM on January 29, 2002

Reminds me of ear candling ... (total bullshit of course)

Actually, Dave Barry once tried that for one of his columns (perhaps a Holiday Gift Guide, I don't remember), and he said it extracted a large amount of disgusting goo. He also said it could become a new Christmas tradition, that of the family gathered around the warm glow of Dad's ear candle. He wrote it a lot funnier than that, of course.
posted by diddlegnome at 9:33 PM on January 29, 2002

i've heard that ear candling works pretty well, actually.
posted by bluishorange at 10:27 PM on January 29, 2002

if you take an ear candle, and follow all of the directions except for this: place the end into a bottle or jar or something, rather than your ear....it pulls 'ear wax' out of thin air, quite miraculous. Ear candles are bad. People get hurt by them. I have a massive hearing loss in one ear, and have spent many hours being lectured by ear doctors...Don't Stick Anything In Your Ear.

the butt candle thing has got to be a joke. please baby jesus, tell me its a joke.
posted by th3ph17 at 10:45 PM on January 29, 2002

err...didn't mean to imply that an ear candle hurt me, just meant to show experience with doctors and ears. My favorite doctor once stuck a needle thru my ear drum and then used a tiny vacum to clear out some fluid. I will never forget the sound of the needle scraping and punching through. Fun!
posted by th3ph17 at 10:49 PM on January 29, 2002

I will never forget the sound of the needle scraping and punching through.

I have to go lie down in a dark room now. Thanks a lot. Gah.
posted by diddlegnome at 10:53 PM on January 29, 2002

good thing your doctor isn't nicknamed "icepick"...
posted by bwg at 2:47 AM on January 30, 2002

If it all goes horribly wrong do you need an enema to douse the flames? If so, why not just miss out on the 'setting fire to your ring piece' stage and have an enema.
posted by vbfg at 5:59 AM on January 30, 2002

you know that scene in So I Married an Axe Murderer? where she sticks her finger in his ear? Arrrg. Gets me every time.
posted by th3ph17 at 6:27 AM on January 30, 2002