ATARI JAGUAR INFOMERCIAL
September 20, 2014 8:34 PM   Subscribe

 
I don't remember knowing anyone that had one of these when they came out, and pretty much everyone I knew at the time was a console gamer. Years later i did play one; I have a friend who over the years has or currently does own every console released in the states.

After playing with the system for about 5 minutes I understood why it was such a failure. The controllers were terrible, too large, and the center area of buttons was awkward and under used in games. Graphics were also nothing great for the time.

Every time I play a system that was a failure, I wonder about all of the people involved, working for years only to have their project go down in flames after such a short time. Accountants, engineers, hr people, coders, advertising execs, etc. All of them working on a failed enterprise. Surely there had to be a lot of water cooler talk from early on among people who knew the project was doomed.
posted by efalk at 8:55 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


You can tell that they're low on substance around here, when the dude is asking how many games are available for the system, and they told the dude, "look, just act really hard and maybe that'll be enough to sell it."
posted by savetheclocktower at 8:59 PM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]


I have to wonder about the intersection between "bought every console ever" and "bought an Atari Jaguar". They might be the same set.
posted by vogon_poet at 9:07 PM on September 20, 2014 [7 favorites]


With a 16-bit life, that hot girl orders you to give her a hot dog and she doesn't want any fries with that.

In your new 64-bit life, that hot girl is your secretary, and she orders fries...for you!

IT'S A METAPHOR, BOB!
posted by straight at 9:08 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]


My brother's friend who had every console put out (including Neo Geo) had a Jaguar and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I didn't even mind the paper controller onlays to tell you which of the 50 buttons let you shoot the alien. It was mindblowing. Then actual next gen consoles came out and we quickly forgot about the whole matter.
posted by downtohisturtles at 9:18 PM on September 20, 2014


I had a friend who had a Jaguar and no other console. Around the same time I had another friend who had a 3DO and no other console. The big thing I remember about the Jaguar was that like none of the games had in-game music. Doom, Aliens vs. Predator, uh.. that game where you fly around and shoot stuff... yeah. I don't remember any music at all.
posted by zsazsa at 9:28 PM on September 20, 2014


I thought about buying a Jaguar for a hot minute in 1995(?) when I saw that KayBee Toys was clearancing the system for $50, with games for $5. Then I got a look at the controller and was like NOPE.
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:30 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


For comparison's sake, the Jaguar's controller against the infamous original XBox controller, alongside SNES and Dreamcast. So people seemed pretty happy to use something not too different in size at one point—but without the bizarre grid of tiny buttons in the middle.
posted by themadthinker at 9:36 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


I coulda sworn Annoying Visitor Guy was actually Leonardo DiCaprio. It's can't be, but wow, what a resemblance, particularly in speech pattern.
posted by Nelson at 9:36 PM on September 20, 2014


For my 16th birthday (2004), my dad got me an Atari Jaguar from eBay. The thing was awful, but i had *so much fun* with the AvP game, Iron solider and tempest 2000.

Thing really was an outdated piece of shit, but it was fun ephemera for sure.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 9:37 PM on September 20, 2014


BOB JUST STOP BEING AN JERK AND BUY THE CONSOLE. BOB.
posted by vorpal bunny at 9:38 PM on September 20, 2014


BOB.
posted by vorpal bunny at 9:38 PM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]


IMO, it isn't Atari if Nolan Bushnell isn't involved. Also, that video was laughable.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 10:32 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


On the other hand, it does reasonably well as a dental camera.
posted by radwolf76 at 11:11 PM on September 20, 2014 [7 favorites]


Anyone got any dirt on the Atari ABAQ?
posted by Dub at 11:31 PM on September 20, 2014


I can't watch to the end. Does leather dude sell Bob a timeshare? Or a Jaguar? Or some PCP?
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 11:32 PM on September 20, 2014 [10 favorites]


OK, I am a few minutes in and this is starting to look like a Dark Brothers pr0n flim. Not quite as colorful or well acted, but the spirit is there.


I am not sure if I really super do not want that to be the case, or if I kind of do. Conflicted.


Like if Lois Ayres shows up riding a pony-costumed Tom Byron or something, I would not be the least bit surprised.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:38 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


I looked at the picture but I can't tell if one can snort coke off the console or not.



It seems like it would be a selling point with the demographic they are apparently trying to reach.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:41 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


OK this is turning into porns .... oh wait PSYCHE! IT'S A METAPHOR BOB!


Jaguar guy is SUPER INTENSE BOB ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME BOB!!



nooo stop with the scary murder tweaker vogueing.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:51 PM on September 20, 2014


The idea that this video was made and expected to be a convincing people to buy this system...

I forget what I was saying really, this video makes me sad. Mostly it is the conflating a video game system with a woman as if they are both things to be owned and played. I expect several talented and great people put real effort into the games and system and then it gets marketed in in such a awful way.

It also seems to be teaching me that I can't trust math.
posted by Hicksu at 11:58 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


Lynx with Xenophobe. That was the thing. (Not sure if I'll get through this video.)
posted by Glinn at 11:58 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]


Melissa what are you doing


don't shoot that indoors


Melissa no
posted by louche mustachio at 11:59 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oh my that was bad.

I saw 15 seconds of it and it made me cringe.

This commercial shows you the (past) future of VR. (note: no actual gameplay shown here - that's for the best).
posted by el io at 12:04 AM on September 21, 2014


if you are a masochist it looks like this is that VR system
posted by edgeways at 12:15 AM on September 21, 2014


"The Game of life Bob!
posted by boilermonster at 12:24 AM on September 21, 2014


My friend had a Jaguar and the only game I remember playing was Aliens vs. Predator. I wonder if the game has aged; at the time it was a fantastic game. Very tense and scary. I remember one night a group of friends over there, most of them not gamers in the least, absolutely riveted by my friend and I playing it, screaming and laughing like it was a horror movie.
posted by zardoz at 1:18 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]


"How are the games?"
"NOT GREAT, BOB"
posted by EmGeeJay at 2:59 AM on September 21, 2014 [8 favorites]


I can't find Atari Studios on IMDB. This may be their only surviving work.
posted by davemee at 3:13 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]


if you are a masochist it looks like this is that VR system

LOL:
Water World... on Virtual Boy! It's like puking on a pile of shit!
posted by XMLicious at 4:26 AM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]


i am bob's psychotic break
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:37 AM on September 21, 2014 [3 favorites]


Around this same period, Sega Genesis & Gamegear fell to the same price point, spawning this nugget.
posted by dr_dank at 6:23 AM on September 21, 2014


And don't forget the Jaguar's spiritual link with the ZX Spectrum. The hardware was designed by Flare Technology aka Martin Brennan and John Mathieson, ex-Sinclair and the hardware bods who were working on the next-gen Spectrum when the money ran out. That was shaping up to be an Amiga Lite, conceptually, and a lot of the ideas carried on via a couple of intermediate products into the Jaguar.

I'd love to do a Rock Family Tree for gaming consoles.
posted by Devonian at 6:35 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]


Does leather dude sell Bob a timeshare? Or a Jaguar? Or some PCP?

PRETTY SURE IT'S PCP BOB OR MAYBE SOME ICE

That narrator around 9:40 sure sounds like one of my voice acting faves, Raphael Sbarge.
posted by raena at 6:50 AM on September 21, 2014


If you're trying to sell a product to American teenagers, it's not a good idea to make your product's catchphrase "Do the Math."
posted by Veritron at 7:52 AM on September 21, 2014


There seemed to be a period there where smartass pitchmen were "in". Remember the kid who had the report due on space?
posted by sourwookie at 8:03 AM on September 21, 2014


Tempest 2000 on the Atari jaguar was the greatest videogame ever made. Amazing techno soundtrack and trippy visuals.

It was at the video game exhibit at the smithsonian a couple of years ago, and I had a crowd of about 15 people watching me set every high score on the thing.
posted by empath at 8:11 AM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]


If you're trying to sell a product to American teenagers, it's not a good idea to make your product's catchphrase "Do the Math."

Yeah the best part of this is the girl going around interviewing bros and asking whether they'd rather have a game machine with 16 davenports per microcollander or 64? 64, right? And the bros are all "uh 64?" like maybe it's a trick question and then "yeah, 64!" all relieved that they got it right. "64 daven...cobbles is totally better!"
posted by straight at 8:21 AM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]


I think Bob's reaction to "So you gonna get a Jaguar?" after 5 minutes of hard selling pretty much sums up how the marketplace reacted to the console.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:22 AM on September 21, 2014


You can still summon the portal to Jack and Suzy's cave to this day, by burning an offering of coke in a 64-point star scrawled on top of a Jaguar.
posted by jason_steakums at 12:56 PM on September 21, 2014


Tempest 2000, Aliens vs. Predator, Wolfenstein 3D, and a couple others were fantastic. The lack of games overall was rather limiting though.
posted by destro at 1:03 PM on September 21, 2014


I had a colleague in grad school who was an atari jaguar FANATIC; usenet fan groups and tshirts and swag and posters and and and. Never saw one, never understood the deal. Of course, at the time I was still playing zelda on the snes...
posted by hearthpig at 2:23 PM on September 21, 2014


@louche mustachio Ok, either you're the same person as Everlasting Concubine from the Youtube comments, or one of you is being pret-ty unoriginal.
posted by Wandering Idiot at 2:53 PM on September 21, 2014


Aww, I feel like I'm more nostalgic about the Jaguar than I should be. Mrs. usonian's college roommate had one. I think the only game in the apartment was Flashback, because I have absolutely no memory of playing anything else on it during that summer of 1996.
posted by usonian at 8:28 PM on September 21, 2014


What the heck is going on here?!
posted by mazola at 12:07 AM on September 22, 2014


My friend had a Jaguar and the only game I remember playing was Aliens vs. Predator. I wonder if the game has aged; at the time it was a fantastic game.

AvP on the Jaguar was one of those rare games immersive enough to activate one's adrenalin-based fear/survival instincts exceptionally well. No other game I've played came anywhere close to doing that for me until 2012, when the DayZ mod for ArmA came along.
posted by chambers at 7:54 AM on September 22, 2014


i bought a jaguar in the late 90's on clearance just for the virtual light machine.
posted by osi at 9:57 AM on September 22, 2014


Wow, yeah, that controller looks like it's for an ATM.
Like someone in marketing said "We want as many buttons as a ColecoVision, but is there any way to make it wider--like, the size of a label-maker or an answering machine?"
posted by blueberry at 10:21 PM on September 22, 2014


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