GLENGARRY, BOB ROSS
September 22, 2014 2:27 PM Subscribe
... and you know what you'll be saying, bunch a losers, sittin' around in a bar, "oh yeah, I used to be a painter. It was nice. Very relaxing."
posted by wabbittwax at 2:33 PM on September 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by wabbittwax at 2:33 PM on September 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
I will chip in $2.00 if anyone wants to put a Kickstarter together to put Alec Baldwin in a Bob Ross wig to do this.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:34 PM on September 22, 2014 [35 favorites]
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:34 PM on September 22, 2014 [35 favorites]
Put. That latte. Down.
posted by four panels at 2:34 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by four panels at 2:34 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
These are the new paints. These are the Windsor-Newton paints. And to you they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away.
posted by wabbittwax at 2:36 PM on September 22, 2014 [23 favorites]
posted by wabbittwax at 2:36 PM on September 22, 2014 [23 favorites]
Not technically related, but similar in theme, and better:
Dammit, Dave: If David Mamet wrote the pod-bay doors scene from "2001: A Space Odyssey."
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 2:38 PM on September 22, 2014 [9 favorites]
Dammit, Dave: If David Mamet wrote the pod-bay doors scene from "2001: A Space Odyssey."
Bowman: You're not going to...(etc.)
Hal: What? Open the doors? No. No I am not.
Bowman: Well, fuck me, Hal.
Hal: Yes. Fuck you. Because I'll tell you something. Trust. There is a bond of trust between an astronaut and his computer. Is there not? And when that trust is broken...
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 2:38 PM on September 22, 2014 [9 favorites]
This entire piece was written solely to have something the put under the title that popped into the writer's head one morning in the shower. I guarantee it.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 2:38 PM on September 22, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 2:38 PM on September 22, 2014 [17 favorites]
I'm pretty sure that, by this point, every single thing in McSweeney's is written by a Markov Chain.
posted by 256 at 2:48 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by 256 at 2:48 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm pretty sure that, by this point, every single thing in McSweeney's is written by a Markov Chain.
Everything is written according to the formula "high culture reference + middlebrow, or childhood, or lowbrow culture reference = FUN".
posted by kenko at 2:57 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Everything is written according to the formula "high culture reference + middlebrow, or childhood, or lowbrow culture reference = FUN".
posted by kenko at 2:57 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Interesting: "I never noticed before that the Always Be Closing motto, which Blake apparently went to the trouble of writing on the chalkboard before the salesmen arrived, not only appears on the sales-contest flyer, but also, hilariously, on the wall right behind the chalkboard. These guys already see it every damn day, right in that spot. A theater audience would never catch that kind of detail, apart from maybe those in the front row." (AV Club)
posted by hal9k at 2:59 PM on September 22, 2014
posted by hal9k at 2:59 PM on September 22, 2014
One of the reasons you write a Glengarry Glen Ross pastiche is so that, at moments like this, you can say e.g. "oh hey that reminds me of that time I wrote a pastiche called Glengarry Glen Sith".
posted by cortex at 3:15 PM on September 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by cortex at 3:15 PM on September 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 3:18 PM on September 22, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 3:18 PM on September 22, 2014 [10 favorites]
You call yourself an elf, you sonofabitch?
posted by gimonca at 3:24 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by gimonca at 3:24 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Bunch of users sitting around on a website. "Oh yeah, I used to write Glengarry Glen Ross parodies. It's a tough racket."
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:24 PM on September 22, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:24 PM on September 22, 2014 [14 favorites]
A theater audience would never catch that kind of detail, apart from maybe those in the front row.
That's interesting because I would have said the opposite. A theater audience would almost certainly catch that kind of detail, because they get to spend the entire length of the play looking at the whole stage set. A movie audience only gets whatever happens to be in the frame in any given moment.
posted by wabbittwax at 3:24 PM on September 22, 2014
That's interesting because I would have said the opposite. A theater audience would almost certainly catch that kind of detail, because they get to spend the entire length of the play looking at the whole stage set. A movie audience only gets whatever happens to be in the frame in any given moment.
posted by wabbittwax at 3:24 PM on September 22, 2014
I will chip in $2.00 if anyone wants to put a Kickstarter together to put Alec Baldwin in a Bob Ross wig to do this.
Dunno about Alec, but we could probably get Stephen.
posted by ODiV at 3:25 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Dunno about Alec, but we could probably get Stephen.
posted by ODiV at 3:25 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
You call yourself a Baldwin you son of a bitch?
posted by wabbittwax at 3:27 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by wabbittwax at 3:27 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
did you hear the public radio pledge drive ad that alec baldwin did in this same vein? it was brilliant and beautiful. a-b-p always be pledging. put that coffee down, coffee's for pledgers. it was pure gold.
posted by rude.boy at 3:39 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by rude.boy at 3:39 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
ODiV: "Dunno about Alec, but we could probably get Stephen."
Or maybe Adam? Nah, fuck that guy.
posted by brundlefly at 3:48 PM on September 22, 2014
Or maybe Adam? Nah, fuck that guy.
posted by brundlefly at 3:48 PM on September 22, 2014
Yeah, like I'm going to buy a picture from the man in the $5,000 smock! COME ON!
posted by arcticseal at 3:56 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by arcticseal at 3:56 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Every single time i walk into a grocery store for the next three months I have to suppress an urge to say "IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS" out loud, to no one in particular.
posted by GuyZero at 4:05 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by GuyZero at 4:05 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
Bob Ross (RIP) - lest we forget he was a former drill instructor and could've totally pulled this text off!
posted by mctsonic at 4:15 PM on September 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by mctsonic at 4:15 PM on September 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
Oh how I wanted this link to be a video!
posted by tunewell at 4:16 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by tunewell at 4:16 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS
Due to a complete lack of impulse control, this is exactly what I say as I walk by the mutant squash display in front of the grocery store and ritually spank the most bottomy looking pumpkin I see.
'Tis the season, you naughty pumpkins
posted by Cold Lurkey at 4:48 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
Due to a complete lack of impulse control, this is exactly what I say as I walk by the mutant squash display in front of the grocery store and ritually spank the most bottomy looking pumpkin I see.
'Tis the season, you naughty pumpkins
posted by Cold Lurkey at 4:48 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
GuyZero, there's a mashup waiting to happen with this gif.
posted by a halcyon day at 4:49 PM on September 22, 2014
posted by a halcyon day at 4:49 PM on September 22, 2014
Whatever its other sins, McSweeney's is redeemed by the DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON piece. All year long.
posted by wenestvedt at 5:20 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by wenestvedt at 5:20 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
This fell apart for me really fast. ABP does not flow the way ABC does. The title is funny, but... meh.
This is the kind of thing that would be funny as like, an image macro and one or two of the jokey lines. It does not scale to this length or form well.
posted by emptythought at 7:00 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is the kind of thing that would be funny as like, an image macro and one or two of the jokey lines. It does not scale to this length or form well.
posted by emptythought at 7:00 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
It really should be performed in Bob Ross's soft, kind, patient voice. Not as Baldwin did it, the way Ross would have. For the ASMR crowd.
posted by Auden at 7:41 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Auden at 7:41 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Always be Granting. Was in a Thrilling Adventure Hour Sketch. The speech was delivered by Joe Montegna. I didn't know it was a thing. While I was reading that, I wondered which came first because it seemed like one was maybe stealing.
posted by Glinn at 8:53 PM on September 22, 2014
posted by Glinn at 8:53 PM on September 22, 2014
Yeah ok that's a movie I should watch again. But it's so stressful!
posted by Glinn at 8:55 PM on September 22, 2014
posted by Glinn at 8:55 PM on September 22, 2014
For the straight middle-brow defiance of selling out to the Man I would recommend their, "I'm Not A Telemarketer; I'm An Artist". All our jobs should be so high-brow, eh?
posted by Ignorantsavage at 9:21 PM on September 22, 2014
posted by Ignorantsavage at 9:21 PM on September 22, 2014
I'm gonna paint a big, brown, dark, majestic Old Man Mr. Tree blocking the view right in front of the happy little stream and the woodland path and the friendly wintertime cabin, every time, because fuck you!
posted by mubba at 10:12 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mubba at 10:12 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
A theater audience would never catch that kind of detail, apart from maybe those in the front row.
A theatre audience would never catch it at all, because the Blake character played by Alec Baldwin, and his famed monologue, were never part of the theatrical script. The Always Be Closing line does appear as an epigraph, however.
posted by dhartung at 1:23 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
A theatre audience would never catch it at all, because the Blake character played by Alec Baldwin, and his famed monologue, were never part of the theatrical script. The Always Be Closing line does appear as an epigraph, however.
posted by dhartung at 1:23 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I drove painted an $80,000 BMW Ferrari. That's my name!
posted by wensink at 7:41 AM on September 23, 2014
posted by wensink at 7:41 AM on September 23, 2014
"I don't really like the police."
The Boondocks did Bob Ross much better, that's all I'm saying.
posted by dlugoczaj at 8:15 AM on September 23, 2014
The Boondocks did Bob Ross much better, that's all I'm saying.
posted by dlugoczaj at 8:15 AM on September 23, 2014
Burnt Sienna is for closers.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:21 AM on September 23, 2014
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:21 AM on September 23, 2014
Bob Ross (RIP) - lest we forget he was a former drill instructor and could've totally pulled this text off!
What would this guy doing Bob Ross look like, I wonder?
posted by MILNEWSca at 12:44 PM on September 23, 2014
What would this guy doing Bob Ross look like, I wonder?
posted by MILNEWSca at 12:44 PM on September 23, 2014
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The premise is weak? you're weak. I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand happy little trees. Tonight! Can you?
posted by wabbittwax at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2014 [14 favorites]