3.5/5 BONES: "THIS DOG IS A WIFI HOTSPOT."
October 9, 2014 8:54 PM   Subscribe

Let me introduce you to Barkwire.com, a social network in which residents of the small town of Shaggy Butte rate their favorite four-legged friends, and gossip about all the gang fights and animal murders. Wait, what?

Written by Josh Boruff, who's become known 'round these parts for his interest in assigning ratings to dogs, Barkwire is an unexpectedly-engaging drama which plays out across user comments on social networking pages. Its first "season" [chapters 1-16], written in 2008, revolves around the emergence of the nightmarish El Cráneo Negro, who plunges the town into fear. Its second "season" [chapters 17-now] started earlier this year, and revolves around the unsolved murder of the much-loved Hope. (My advice: start with the newer story first.)

But the town of Shaggy Butte does not stop with Barkwire. There's more. Much, much, much

more than you were probably expecting anybody to write about a fictional town. Lucky you.

BARKWIRE: The Cráneo Negro Arc

1. Rusty
2. Senator; Scar
3. Promise; Auspice
4. Clumpy
5. Noir
6. Doublewide
7. Satire
8. Vermin

Interlude: BiGDoG's DOG BLOG (and a subsequent update)

9. El Cráneo Negro
10. Bug

Interlude 2: BiGDoG's DOG BLOG

11. Artie

Weekly Dog Sightings. ("WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS? THE MIND BOGGLES!")

12. Trotter

Fin.


BARKWIRE: The Hope Arc (still ongoing)

1. Hope
2. Caribe; Ozark
3. The Barquis de Sade; Cleaver
4. Whoops; Nectar & Ambrosia
5. Barnacle; Blue Yonder
6. Space Cult; Leashbreaker


OTHER SERIES ABOUT SHAGGY BUTTE

Four additional long-term series have been written about the residents of Shaggy Butte, as well as a number of miniseries and one-off pieces.

SERIES I: Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews

Library Fountain
Library Fountain: the Spigot.us take
Best and Worst Drinking Fountains of 2012
February Hot Sips
June's Sour Sips
August's Hot Sips
October's Sour Sips
February's Sour Sips
Hot Summer Sips


SERIES II: Dog Classifieds

Lots of Dogs
Multitudes of Dogs
Legions of Dogs
Plurality of Dogs
Heaps of Dogs
Swarms of Dogs
Oodles of Dogs
Hordes of Dogs
Gobs of Dogs
LOTS OF GODS
CHILDREN FOR SALE
EXOTIC PETS FOR SALE
LOTS OF STUFF
PANTHEONS OF GODS
ROOMS FOR RENT
Mounds of Dogs
ROOMS FOR RENT II: THE RENTENING
Scores of Dogs
Scads of Dogs
Throngs of Dogs
Plenty of Dogs
Reams of Dogs
Slew of Dogs


SERIES III: Kennel Fair Dog Pageant

Kennel Fair Dog Pageant's Best Dog of All Time Award
Rejection Letters
More Rejection Letters
Yet More Rejection Letters
The Rejections Continue
A Sea of Rejection
Disqualified Dogs
Acceptance Letter


SERIES IV: Oldwallet.com

All Entries for Shaggy Butte
Hot March Freebies!
May Steals & Deals!
Great Deals from Local Seniors!
Elderly Neighbors Have the Best Values
Senior Values



MINISERIES


KRUT-5 NEWS UPDATES

A DANGEROUS NEW TREND IN TEEN BULLYING
TEEN MOBILE SEX PICS: "AN EPIDEMIC," EXPERT SAYS
TEEN PARTYWHISTLING EPIDEMIC TURNS DEADLY
ENERGY BOOZE DRINKS: KILLING OUR YOUTH?
"Finally, on a lighter note"


Senior Living

Senior Living
Senior Living: Part 2
Senior Living II: The Oldening
Senior Living II: The Oldening: Part 2
Senior Living 3: Oldageddon
Senior Living 3: Oldageddon: Part 2


Politics in Shaggy Butte

William Bruggard for Shaggy Butte Dog Catcher
2012 Election Results
The End of Liberty: How I'm Fighting Back



SHAGGY BUTTE: ODDS & ENDS

The Mottos of Shaggy Butte
Police Blotter for March 6, 2012
Family Memo RE: Holiday Sullenness, Ingratitude
The Shaggy Butte Downtown Dreams Festival
Shaggy Butte Sandwich Surplus - November Menu


And that, my friends, is how you spot a freaking dog.
posted by rorgy (17 comments total) 46 users marked this as a favorite
 
In other "Something Awful writes a weirdly-addictive story about a fake Internet location" news, Monstergeddon just updated last night! (Previously.)
posted by rorgy at 8:59 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]


๐Ÿถ
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:08 PM on October 9, 2014 [3 favorites]


what the holy hell
posted by murphy slaw at 9:16 PM on October 9, 2014


what is happen
posted by poffin boffin at 9:30 PM on October 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


I had the great misfortune of stopping for a drink at the Public Library fountain when I was on the road in 1988, and it left an indelible rusty shit stain on my soul. This fountain is phony Americana bullshit, pandering to morons and the elderly. I don't pass through Shaggy Butte often, but when I do I make sure to drive by this fucker and give it the finger. I fantasize about taking a hammer to this monstrosity. I'd rather suck sulfur out of a bird's asshole. I'm giving it five stars because it's my greatest enemy.

posted by stevealbini โ€” 988 of 1048 people found this useful
posted by rorgy at 9:32 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]


So I clicked one of the dogs classified links, and, look, I just have to copy over one of the entries, because, well, I lol'ed:

"BUGGLES & HUMPHREY are the perfect dog duo. These inseparable pooches have been friends since birth, always eager to help each other out. Alas, their remarkable friendship must now come to an end, as I insist on selling them to separate homes out of pure malevolence. 555-2837."
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 9:55 PM on October 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


Oh god, I'd forgotten about the dog classifieds. So, so perfect.
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 10:01 PM on October 9, 2014


๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ

How is this happening?

๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ
posted by anotherpanacea at 4:07 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


The scale of dog rating criteria made me laugh harder than anything in a long time.
posted by johngoren at 4:08 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ -- Don't discount us!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:34 AM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


I followed a link from the Dog Spotting thread to those Barkwire reviews, and spent a shamefully long time reading every single one of them.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:24 AM on October 10, 2014


I followed a link from the Dog Spotting thread to those Barkwire reviews, and spent a shamefully long time reading every single one of them.

Now all comments sound like a Barkwire review. This is awesome.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:35 AM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


I would just like to say that dogs.
posted by moonmilk at 6:41 AM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


"Hegemonic oppression"
posted by johngoren at 9:01 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


So this is what happens when dogs are allowed in the dog park.
posted by pxe2000 at 9:29 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


You're mistaken, pxe2000, those were just a bunch of plastic bags.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:34 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


I am firmly of the belief that dogs need as prominent a place on the internet as cats. My father's allergy to cats made dog-owning the only option as a child and I have continued in that direction ever since. And the all-time most delightful dog I ever owned was an all-black Labrador/Collie mix (my then-wife wanted to name her Lollypop, I agreed on the condition I could call her 'Lollie' and explain it's because of the breed mix). So I have been long aware of issues regarding 'black dogs', not to mention its use as an analogy for depression. So when I saw "the nightmarish El Crรกneo Negro, who plunges the town into fear", I worried this would turn out to be something from Something Awful's most awful side. Haven't read everything, but at least the dog-centric parts are better than expected. ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿถ

Also, for your Friday Rocking Out... (Lollie did dance to Zep but preferred Depeche Mode)
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:19 PM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


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